John's really upset. He doesn't want more hospital appointments. He doesn't want to be scared anymore. I hate myself for not being able to help him.

What I hate myself for most though, is that not only was I not here for him when it happened but I wasn't afterwards either. I don't know what happened but I panicked. I really, really panicked and cried constantly from four o'clock 'till seven. Obviously I couldn't let him see me like that so I had to keep myself in my room. Because I'm the most useless, horrible sister ever.

He's going to college tomorrow anyway. He perked up a lot this evening and really wants to go in. I'm so worried about it. I wish he didn't have to go on the bus. The doctor said we'll probably have to get him a bracelet thing, so people would know that he has it and if he was on his own they would know what was happening.

I need to go to sleep but I'm too worried. My mum just told me to go to sleep. I've been awake most of the last two nights and I don't think I can manage all night tonight.

The friend that was pissing me off let me talk to her. I wasn't going to tell anybody but she made a point of asking how he was so I did tell her. And one of the people that my mum is staying with sent me a nice message on Facebook. It made me cry again.

Track: Anything by Regina Spektor from the album Far

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Just because I think it's impossible, stupid and pointless to conduct a while relationship by text does not make it so OR lessen it's importance.

Just because she didn't listen to me when I actually needed her, and that I am now expected to care about this shite does not make it matter less. If anything, it makes it more important because it's my chance to not be a hypocrite.

This is very important to her, and therefore I should start caring about it and not bitch about it to my mum as soon as I get home or speak to her.

Apparently the relationship had a very messy ending, because he's in love with her. Not in love with her enough to actually... I don't know.. SPEAK to her. No. Not that in love.

Nonetheless, I should not think that is stupid.

She's telling me what a state he's in right this second, as I'm writing this bitchy blog.
I want to laugh and say YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH A BLOODY TEXT MESSAGE! But that would be insensitive. I think she's enjoying thinking that a guy is in love with her, even if she doesn't feel the same way. I have to remember that she clearly feels her life is FAR more important than mine and that I should feel the same.

Stop being a bitch! Maybe you can fall in love with someone. I've never been in love, so what would I know?

This is so stupid. Like, really ridiculous. I feel guilty for not caring but really, I've spent so much time talking about this.

*sigh*

I want to be horrible to her so badly.

I'm such a horrible person.

Oh well. It's fun.

Folding Chair - Regina Spektor

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A couple of boys in my Sociology lesson (one of which is in at least half of my other classes. I can’t stand him and every hour we spend together brings me closer to the day that I will ultimately throw him out of the nearest window) really upset me today. We end up in all these random discussions in my Sociology lessons anyway, and this means that we don’t end up getting through half of the work that we are supposed to. It’s really annoying.
Today for some reason people who live off benefits came up and the boys immediately started of them being scum and stuff. I’m not usually that outspoken but I completely snapped at them both without meaning to. It just got my angry.
Yeah, my family lived completely off benefits for a long time. For some people, it’s the best option. My mum chose to stay unemployed so that she could focus on bringing up my brother and I. We didn’t have anyone else taking care of us and we all know by now how useful my dad has been. I think that me and John turned out all the better for her being around. And then there’s the fact that she would have needed such an understanding employer. When we were kids John use to have hospital appointments for various things every few weeks, and these only increased when his seizures started. It would have been so difficult if she worked, and I know I particularly would have suffered with it.
All this not even taking into account how much child care would have cost. It wouldn’t have worked. We had even less money when I was a kid. We were one of the families that our church gave money at Christmas. It’s weird, when I think about it.
We’ve been through so much as a family and people speaking the way that those boys did, and investing all their beliefs in a stereotype designed for the ignorant completely discredits all that. They try to make you ashamed of the person you are and I don’t see why I should stand for that.

So yeah. Think twice before you next judge someone, because the chances are you don’t know anything about their actual situation.

And I’m not going to let some disdainful, scathing voice asking me whether I live off benefits make me ashamed.

We’re not on them anymore. We have some but it’s not our whole income. Coming off them was so awesome because the benefits office messed up constantly. We used to have to go to this office all the time because they periodically took a load of money away from us for no reason. It was really stressful and kind of a strange thing to be thinking about when you’re ten, now I think about it.

Ahh well. I'm going away this weekend. My mum got me tickets to go and see Twelth Night in Stratford. I can't wait. I'll take photos . I'm seventeen on Monday, it's so weird.

Track: Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous - Good Charlotte

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Track: Eet - Regina Spektor
NaNoWriMo wordcount: 9398 words

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Basically I couldn’t really sleep anyway because I was worrying about my mum and going back to school and stuff and John woke up just after I went to sleep. He was feeling sick when he woke up which caused him to panic that he was going to have a seizure. When he feels like that he gets up every ten minutes or so and goes to the bathroom until my mum goes and sits in his room with him. He doesn’t really do being quiet so I get woken up and then my mum kind of freaked out at about 3am because she isn’t well and she’s tired and she’s taken on too much work and she just needed to sleep. She wasn’t even angry at John, it was at the lack of help that we get. We’re spoken to doctors about this problem before and they don’t even appear to hear it. They just smile at you and send you on your way. And our area epilepsy nurse turned out to be as useless as the rest of them. She still hasn’t phone us back and it’s been a week now.

My mum freaking out made John worse so everyone was up for longer and I could hear my mum and John talking which was what lead me to be dancing around my kitchen lip synching to Birdhouse In Your Soul at 4.30am. I’m so tired today. I eventually went back to bed properly at about 5.30 and it was 6.30 the last time I checked my clock. I had to get up at 7.30, lol. It was all right though, my mum didn’t make me get the train, she dropped me and John in. It meant that I was a bit late but the EMA lady was really understanding and I won’t lose any which is a relief.

If I don’t sleep well tonight I think I might skip college tomorrow. I know that is such a wimpy thing to do but I feel terrible, and there’s really no way of knowing what John’s going to be like tonight.

NaNoWriMo is actually going really well. I’ve written over 5000 words already, which puts me ahead. It was helpful that I got so much done yesterday because it made up for the fact that I was a bit useless with it all today.

I love Birdhouse In Your Soul. It just makes me happy.

Track: Birdhouse In Your Soul – They Might Be Giants

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The fact that I'm already getting worried about NaNoWriMo cannot be a good start. I really don't think that I have it in me, because November is looking to be a very busy month.

A Short Outline of My November

The first weekend of November I am going away to Stratford to see Twelth Night. It's for my birthday and I can't wait. Any excuse to get away from where I live is bliss at the moment. I'm a bit worried about the cost of it all, but at least the tickets weren't too bad because my mum had vouchers from when we saw DT Hamlet last year.

Then on the following Monday it's my birthday (17. Oh, God). I don't think that we're doing anything particularly and I get weird on my birthdays so I don't really want to do anything with friends. Plus the attention kind of freaks me out.

After my birthday nothing really happens for a while. Until, of course the big thing. The thing that we have all been dreading and worrying about for months. Not least because they aren't actually finished with their play yet. My mum is going away for a week with her friend to do a play in primary schools about not bullying. I'm really worried about this week because I'm not quite sure how to manage everything yet. My gran is coming down because I'm too scared to be alone with John but after a conversation my mum told me she had with gran the other day I don't think my gran would be much use were anything to happen. Please pray with me that it doesn't, because I honestly know how I'll cope.
Then there's the whole I have to take over all the house work thing. And walk the dog, which should be interesting because he generally refuses to leave the house without my mum. And I think I'm going to have to start getting up at five in the morning in order to walk to dog, get ready for school, get John ready for college and down to the station on time. I also don't know how we're going to get the the station because my gran probably will be too scared to drive and a taxi just seems ridiculous. It's times like this I realise the extent to which me and my family are completely alone in the world, lol.

But whatever. I'm sure I can fit in writing 50 000 words too. And guitar practise. And school. And homework. And the unnecessary emotional crap I will inevitably put myself through.

I'll be 17. How weird it that? I'm like.. old.

Track: Giving Up - Ingrid Michaelson

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Bloody hell. There is a Twilight religion.

I wish I was kidding, I really do.

I don't want to take the mick because I know everyone had the right to their own beliefs but Cullenism? Really? I can't help but..

Just look at their beliefs:

As a Cullenist we believe:
Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real
Stephenie Meyer is the (or one of the) best author(s)
The twilight series should be worshiped
If you are good in life, you will be bless with eternity with the Cullens, if you are bad in life, you will be sent to James’ cave

Apparently they also have to go on a pilgramidge to Forks once in their lifetime.

God. The story is so ridiculous as well. It does take a while to realise it, but it's true. It's a pile of crap.

Track: I'm Not Edward Cullen - Hank Green

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The films I have watched:

1. The Truman Show (amazing)
I have wanted to see The Truman Show for ages because various people have told me how good it is and it has been mentioned on my Sociology course once or twice. It was definitely worth watching. I have to admitt I did find it a little hard to get into because I'm not the biggest Jim Carrey fan (I hate Liar Liar more than I can possibily express) but after a while I did forget how annoying he is and found myself just focussing on the plot. The whole thing kind of creeped me out when I thought about it, because psychologists really do screw with people (David Reimer being the most disturbing example) and never seem to be given any kind of punishment. I know the creator of the show wasn't supposed to be a psychologist but he really reminded me of some of the doctors I have studied at school.
I think that this is a film that would improve on being watched twice. Not least because the adverts (I watched it on channel 4, lol) made the plot more difficult to follow/get in to.

2. Camp Rock (shit)
I am so embarassed that I actually watched this. It was on after The Truman Show and I had nothing to do and didn't want to go to bed so...
God, it was bad. The conversation was really stilted sometimes between the girls because there was this small pause between each piece of dialogue. All of the girl's voices were really annoying as well! And the music was so bad! Okay, I'm not exactly a great lover of Demi Lovato or The Jonas Brothers ("not exactly" here meaning I HATE them!) but still! The music was terrible! Plus there was drumming in every song but never anyone playing them! There were plenty of guitars but nothing else. And I do not see the attraction to any of The Jonas Brothers. What is wrong with Joe Jonas's eyebrows?! Have you seen them? How could anyone find that remotely attractive?!

3. Up (love <3)
I saw this at the cinema yesterday afternoon and despite the vaguely uncomfortable situation I was I found myself completely drawn into it. It was so funny and yet another film you can appreciate on different levels. The bits with the dog, Doug are actually hilarious because he is exactly like my dog is. I love how Pixar manage to produce the simple little quirks so perfectly (think the dog in Over The Hedge "play?!" lol). The animation was spectacular, as usual. The moment when all the balloons shoot out the top of the house is actually kind of beautiful. All the landscapes are amazing and they just make you want to step into the world of the film because it's so perfect.
I would recommend trying to see this one of the big screen, because little televisions really don't do animated films justice.

4. Truly Madly Deeply (as yet unsure)
I was in a right mess when I watched this, so I'm not going to pretend that I enjoyed it. It just didn't help with the thoughts that were in my head.
But ignoring those I think it was pretty good. I didn't like dead guy because he reminded me of Hugh. I thought that the art therapy guy was really cute, he made me want to do that kind of job because it looked so rewarding. My mum told that the guy that plays him (his name escapes me right now) usually plays baddies which is kind of shame 'cause like I said, he's really cute.
I think Juliet Stevenson's acting in it is really believable though. She does all the emotional bits in a non-cringey way which was nice. Like I said, I need to watch this again when I'm not thinking about other things.

I love films. I don't know if I can afford now but I'm really hoping to see Fantastic Mr. Fox later in the week.

OOOH, also, while I'm on the topic of films how good does An Education look? It has Carey Mulligan (Doctor Who Blink girl), Emma Thompson, the guy who's the grave robber/stoner in Garden State and Doctor Octopus from Spiderman 2 in! Nick Hornby wrote the script as well so obviously I have to see it because I really, really, reaaaallllly love Nick Hornby's writing style. I am excited about this film. "Excited" is a crappy term for how much I am looking forward to seeing it. .

Trailer for An Education:

Track: Ode to Optophobia - Danille Ate The Sandwich

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John has been scaring us again this week. On Thursday night my mum was out at a murder mystery related thing, and I was on my own with John. I felt pretty confident about everything, since he'd been all right for a while then he just suddenly went white as a sheet and threw up. It was so fast and then I was freaking out because I thought he was going to have a seizure (he didn't). It was so weird, there was no lead up. You can always tell when John is feeling sick. I don't think he evn knew until he threw up. So then I was frantically trying to get hold of my mum to get her to come home because I'm useless on my own and in the end had to phone her friend because her phone was off. He was really sweet about it though.
I thought everything was okay after that, but John was sick again the next day. The exact same thing happened. No warning, just suddenly vomit (to be frank). So my mum called the doctor and he said it was either an infection, small seizures or a reaction to the meds increasing. I don't know.
I talked to my guitar teacher about it. I like to tell him stuff, because he actuallt reacts to it. Like, my friends just start talking about their lives (boys, basically) as soon as I've spoken but he lets me mention stuff. Not in a like serial moaning way. He just makes the effort to ask how John is so I tell him.

Hugh keeps phoning. I probably wrote about it last weekend but he's being annoying.

This is going nowhere. Ooh, I'm learning a Newton Faulkner song for my guitar this week. I love it, even though it's really hard. There's a couple different techniques I don't find easy on their own and together... well...
I'm happy with it though. I usually find the stuff that he sets me a little bit too easy. Having a challenege is.. well, just that. And the timing is perfect, since it being half term means I actually have the time to practise.

I'm going to see Up this afternoon with mum, John and Mum's Friend & Co. (his kids). I have no need to feel weird about this. I will be repeating that throughout the afternoon. I kind of like the fact that my dog doesn't like kids so they can't come in and invade our house as well as church (not that I go but it bugs me that they go now and NO I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHY).

In the words of Dr. Cox Big Fun.

Track: Let Go - Frou Frou

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I really want to send it.

Because then maybe I could deal, and move on.

Problem is, it isn't really mine to tell...

Track: When You Were Young - The Killers

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I figure I'm going to need to explain this properly.

I'm on about my mum's friend, basically. I told her yesterday how weird I felt about it. I didn't say don't see him anymore or anything like that I just explained why I was being odd. I honestly really like the guy. Is it possible to like someone and feel incredibley threatened by them at the same time?
All this and they aren't even together.

Okay. Right.

I've been feeling weird since I had the dream about Hugh. I just feel at the moment that all the things that he said about me are right and I'm horrible and all that stuff. And then with my mum's friend being around here loads I'm scared that he's going to change everything again. I'm not used to having men around so much, and it's difficult to get used to. And my mum keeps going on about how nice he is which makes me scared she likes him and then I get scared we have to go through the whole Hugh thing again. And right now she and John are at church with him and his daughter and I'm scared of getting pushed out. My family is all I have and I don't know what I'd do if someone took that away. So I sort of said that's how I felt because my mum was going to invite him round yesterday because he was sad and then I just kind of blurted that she was seeing him tomorrow anyway (today. Church).
She told me that he's nothing like Hugh (she can't know that. Men show what they want you to see until they know they're not going anywhere.) She said that it would never start like she and Hugh started and she wouldn't let anyone push her into anything the way that Hugh did. She said that she would never be with anyone that treated me and John as badly as Hugh did.

And now she's worried about me. Mum said that she would rather me tell her what I'm feeling than not at all but now she's worried and I know that telling her what I was thinking was a selfish thing to do. It's like Hugh always blaming me for all her problems and it's kind of right. I mean, she's got this guy who's her friend and who's nice and I made her worry about me. I didn't mean to. I just sort of got myself into a situation where I couldn't get out of saying what I was thinking because she wouldn't let me leave. She said that she feels the same and that the idea of being with someone scares that hell out of her and that she is no where near ready to be with anyone again yet anyway.

I didn't mean to make her worry.

I feel like crap.

Ah well. At least it's Postsecret day.

Is it just me or does anyone else find the BMW advert really, really annoying?

Track: Naive - The Kooks

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When you are at school there are certain sterotypes that no matter what you do you can't seem to get away from them. One of these would be "emo". The "emo" stereotype is that of a person who's sex you usually can't tell, is miserable, wears black all the time, listens to music about killing themselves/everyone around them and has a self harming problem. Usually at least half of this isn't true. I know people who I guess would be "emo" and they're funny and happy the majority of the time.

But then, there are the people who feel the need to conform to this stereotype. One of whom, is this girl in my year (who I was certain was a boy up until last week when I walked in on her in the girls loos.) I don't know her, really, since we haven't ever spoken so I suppose I can't judge but frankly she pisses me off. She walks around deliberatly showing off to everyone the cuts that she has and frequently comes in to college with gauze wrapped around her arms and wrists. She makes a big point of showing what she has done to all the girls in her class and even cuts herself in front of people sometimes.

I understand that problems comes in all shapes and forms but I just feel like she's attention seeking more then anything. I mean... I know someone that has a problem with self harming. And... it's scary. It really scares me and I worry about her a lot but it's not something that she flaunts. She's not "emo" or anything like that and the self harming is something that she tries very hard to hide. She only told me about it when she decided that she wanted to get some help with it. She's on anti-depressants now.
Even John, to some extent has a problem with self harm (the hitting and biting himself) and it's something that he's embarrassed about. Whenever it needs to be brought up when we've attemtped to get help for him he asks my mum not to talk about it.

So... what does that make Emo Girl's problem?
Does she really even have a problem? Or... just feel the need to use "emo" in order to create an identity. I feel mean judging her since it makes me feel like a hypocrite but I can't help it. Why should she show off how "emo" she is when there's people out there with a genuine problem?

Or maybe she does have a genuine problem and it just manifests itself differently. I don't know... I just did so much research after my friend told me that she self harmed and I've not heard of any cases like Emo Girl.

Hmm..

Track: Song About An Anglerfish - Hank Green (lol. Emo Girl should so listen to this.)

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So I’m going to ask people who I figure will know about this stuff (because I frequently find myself wondering what on earth their references are…) and that would be the people that I know on here. What kind of newspaper should I get?
I mean, I’m getting this £30 a week now and I don’t spend it all on travel so I might as well try and make myself actually understand things in the world that aren’t autism or single parent family related.

Any kind of help with what to get would be really helpful. Oh, and broadsheet not tabloid, ideally. I was reading The Sun over this guy’s shoulder on the train the other day and I now know that it isn’t exactly what I’m looking for…

Track: Nights of the Living Dead - Tilly and the Wall

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Now that is weird.

Speaking of all things weird, sadly I think the dormant weirdo-attraction gene I was hoping I hadn't inherited from my mother seems to have awoken in me. There have been a few incidents in the last few weeks and yet another today. I was walking to the bus stop when I happened to make eye contact with the man walking towards me because he was staring at me. He was smiling at me, so I smiled back to be polite but he continued to stare. I figured not looking would solve this, so he then decided to walk way too close to me considering we were on a wide bit of pavement so I actually had to jump out of the way. I think he said something but I had my headphones in so I didn't hear. I didn't stick around the find out. Oh, the joys of pervy men. I think there is actually a guy in some sort of register who lives in the town I go to school in. Maybe it was him. How comforting.

Last night I dreamt that Hugh suddenly turned up at my house and let himself in while mum and John were out with Barney. He had decided to bring over a bowl of stewed apple for some reason or another and as soon as I saw him I started to get angry. I have a speech prepared that I won't say should I ever see him again when my mum isn't present but in the dream I didn't do my speech. In the dream, I told him that he had done a lot of things wrong and he agreed with me, which really annoyed me more since he doesn't really think so and then I started screaming at him and crying. Next thing I knew I was throwing bowl after bowl of stewed apple at him screaming and crying.
Then I woke up.

Hm.. Maye I should hire This Man to beat him up in my dream.

Track: Gone In The Morning - Newton Faulkner

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And the worst thing? John watched it with me because I encouraged him. I only did it because I was wearing my rose tinted glasses and thought he would find it interesting. I mean, he's totally obsessed with all things autism at the moment. He got pretty angry about the slide of the documentary. He didn't blame me or anything, and was really sweet when I apologised, but I still feel guilty.

In some ways though, it did make for an interesting evening. It's amazing the extent to which John actually thinks about things. When you look at him staring dazedly at the television you could easily think there's not much going on in his mind but that really isn't the case.

He genuinely does not see himself as someone who is "disabled" and I love that. I also hate that I could have ruined that for him by being stupid and not thinking about that program properly first time round. I guess it's good for him to see how other people like him cope though. My mum was upset about the program too, but like me enjoyed talking with John about his opinions on everything. She said it kind of make her feel like she'd done a good job, since John doesn't feel at all limited by well... himself.

Track: Feeling Sorry - Paramore

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I went to see my nan and grandad today. My nan was telling me about this weird tradition their town has on bonfire night. They set fire to barrels and then people run around with said flaming barrels on their backs. Not sure what I make of this. She said if we're around we can go up and watch. If I do, I will be taking a camera.

I'm also toying with the idea of trying to learn the piano again. I used to play when I was in primary school and did about three grades. I did pretty good actually, I got all distinctions but I couldn't actually read music, so the more complicated peices got to be such a hassle and I gave up. I'm thinking I might try and teach myself the read music because there's so much piano stuff that I really love (Regina Spektor, The Dresden Dolls etc) and although it would take forever I think being able to play that sort of stuff would feel kinda good.

I really want to do NanoWriMo this year but I don't think I can think of something that would make a whole novel because I'm stupid so instead I thought I might try and do an anthology of short stories. I like to think that I will actually do it but who knows really. Maybe I should try and think up some punishment for myself if I don't...

I'm going to make biscuits now.

Track: Slide - The Dresden Dolls

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Today I discovered that there is a hole in my shoe.

Track: Caring Is Creepy - The Shins

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Despite the worrying and stuff (it’s left me with a lovely headache, which of course I’m paranoid now is me being ill, when it isn’t since I get stress headaches. I know I get stress headaches so I’m being stupid.) today had it’s fun parts. Like now I’m just getting home after hanging out with this girl that I don’t know that well after school. It went okay, I can only remember one awkward silence but I got passed that okay. So maybe there is hope for me socially.

I gave in another job application today. I really hope they hire me since the application took forever, it was like 6 pages long and there were all these stupid interview questions. I suppose it shows how much the place actually cares about its employees though. At Card Warehouse all you have is this little A5 sheet that asks you whether or not you can legally work in the UK and that’s it and at Game (yes, I applied to Game. No, I cannot see myself working there any more than you can) you just hand in a CV. The Body Shop on the other hand…
I really need a job. Right now I can’t afford Christmas and it’s getting to the point were I feel I should really be contributing. My mum has the worried expression on her face all the time now, and I keep seeing her counting. She does this when she’s figuring out money, and since my dad hasn’t given us any for the last two months things are getting kind of tight. I told her that I don’t mind stopping the guitar lessons but she doesn’t want me to because she thinks I need things that make me happy because she’s worried ‘cause I’m sad all the time. The fact that I contribute to the worried expression makes me feel so horrible.

Track: Laughing With – Regina Spektor

This is the song. I love it, and the lyrics mean a lot to me. I think they would mean something to everyone just ‘cause they’re true. Aside from all of that I just really like this music video.

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My dad came round to see us again yesterday to give us an update on what’s happening with my gran. It isn’t going well. Mentally she’s gone now, I think. She isn’t the same person anymore. Seeing her is kind of difficult, not just because it’s weird but because I’m scared to go in on my own and my mum is worried she’s going to start dragging up things that aren’t talked about. It would be especially bad if anything was said in front of John too, because it’s difficult to explain things to him.

My dad is in kind of a mess. I feel pretty sorry for him, actually. Because my gran’s chances of going home are slowly decreasing he’s having to find a way of paying for residential care. He’s a mason (weird, I know) and so he went to them but it sounds like they’re turning him down. He and his dad were both involved with that crap and personally, I think their not helping him now renders the whole thing a waste of time. I said this to him yesterday and he kind of agreed.
So it looks like he’s going to have to sell my gran’s house. This makes me so angry. He should be selling his house but because it’s Mandy’s (she keeps her money completely separate from him and won’t let him sell, basically) and Mandy won’t move into my gran’s house as it is because it’s not high tech enough. My dad has been talking about moving into the bungalow for as long as I can remember. Long before Mandy came on the scene and I can’t believe she’s making him sell just because she can’t stand not having a totally luxury house. They could move in and save, like everyone else does.
This is why I hate talking to him so much – everything he says you can practically see Mandy behind him pulling on the puppet strings.

A friend is annoying me. They’re whining on and I feel bad because I whine on but the thing is she had a stomach bug and she’s totally planning on coming to school tomorrow and spreading her stupid germs around and I don’t want a stomach bug because if I give it to John I don’t know what will happen. I want to ask her not to come in but I can’t exactly do that. Now I’m really worried. I mean, he’s had a cold since but I don’t know what his body can take anymore. And sickness bugs always scared me anyway. Can I ask someone to stay off school? No. Shit. A sickness bug would mean he wouldn’t keep down his meds. Maybe I should just not go in. But I missed a day last week. Shit, shit, shit. Why can’t people just stay at home when they’re ill? I can’t ask her to stay at home. Can I? The meds thing hadn’t even occurred to me until now. What do I do?

EDIT: I asked her not to go in. She said she's coming anyway unless she's sick again. And she probably won't be now. I can't actually believe that. I told her why. Fuck, she KNOWS why. And it's not like I can just avoid her and it then be fine, everyone I know hangs out with her. People will be in a lesson with her and then a lesson with me.

No one I know actually gives a shit about me. I don't care if I'm over dramaticising. Until this moment, as much as she pisses me off sometimes she was the one person I thought sort of cared about me. Apparently not. Even not giving a shit about me she should understand about John. She's the one that wants to be a fucking doctor.

I suppose I could just skip school this week.

I shouldn't have told my mum. Crap. It's so unfair. Everything about him is going to effect his life so much and no one gives a shit. No one.

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I've just been watching catch up tv online since there's nothing on and ended up at this program about twins that was on last night. It's all based around the nature/nurture debate and that's pretty important in a couple of my subjects I thought it might be useful to watch. Frankly it depressed me. I mean, it was interesting and everything it was just the stuff about genetics. I may have misunderstood this but what the program seemed to be saying was that self esteem is genetic - not just for twins, for everyone. It was really sad. There were these two identical twin girls and they had both started having mental health issues at the age of twelve. One of them developed anorexia and the other depression. The girl with depression has tried to kill herself a bunch of times.
Being the egocentric type person I am I started to apply this information to myself. I can't say it's not something that I've thought about before, but it had never been confirmed. I don't really know that much about my dad's side of the family, I've never asked but on my mum's side I know all the women are pretty much crazy. My great great grandmother dissapeared without a trace one day, so I can't really say about her but from there onwards it's not so good. My great grandmother was just a nutcase, and she screwed up my gran to the extent that her whole life has been limited by her claustrophobia. My mum is... well, she's had a lot of problems with depression in the past. With her though it's difficult to whether or not it's genetic. I can't talk about it because she asked me not to tell anyone but she had a really messed up childhood. So in her case whether it was genetic is quentionable. Actually, in my gran's too I guess.
I sort of lost the point along there somewhere but my original question was going to be: What does this mean for me? I have no interest in being the person I am now forever, but I can't really seem to help being myself. Hmm...

We did something interesting in sociology yesterday. We had to write about ten things that we thought defined us. Basically, we started off with "I am.." then had to fill in the rest. I found this pretty difficult because it's hard not to get... well, more personal than I wanted to be in a room full of people that I didn't know. Having said that I post WAY to much of my life online into the hands of people I've never met so I don't know what I'm complaining about.

ANYWAY

These are my ten (most of these I didn't say in class). I would be interested to know what other people would choose as their ten defining things.

1. I am of a single parent family
2. I am a sister
3. I am a reader
4. I am a writer
5. I am passionate about music
6. I am an escapist
7. I am a vegetarian
9. I am a sort of Christian
10. I am probably late

Track: Where The Lines Overlap - Paramore

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So that's the good news. Next I want to talk about something that makes me angry. In America they have this whole book banning thing. Personally I think it's ridiculous, just because you don't want your kid to read a particular book doesn't mean that nobody can. And this time, the stupid censors have gone for a book I really love, Looking For Alaska by John Green. All because of one oral sex scene which has been taken COMPLETELY out of context. Yeah, if you just look at that bit it is going to look dodgey but you have to read the whole book to understand it! He isn't trying to turn people on! He's trying to make a point!
What I don't get as well, is why this is such a problem in America but there's nothing of it here. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad - it just makes little sense. I've been reading books in school that deal with some pretty difficult issues since year seven. I don't know if this is because of the area I go to school in or what I just don't get the difference.

Go here to have this issue explained in a far more eloquent manner: http://www.sparksflyup.com/weblog.php

I love to read. I would hate it so much if someone were to take away the control of what I do or don't see. Okay, I just had a rant about this to my mum and she looked a little freaked out but I honestly think that it isn't the right of random parents to choose what kids that aren't even their kids read. Looking For Alaska is such an interesting book. I would really recommend it to anyone.

Track: Back Of A Truck - Regina Spektor

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One of which would have to be this t-shirt:

I want it so bad. My mum wants me to have it as well because anything relating to insulting Robert Pattinson is good to her.

And to be honest, we need all the awesome we get round here today.

They found a dead guy on the railway early this morning. Like right near where I catch the train. Like actually where I catch the train.
I know it's weird thing to say, but I hope it was his choice.

Track: Brick by Boring Brick - Paramore

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So instead, I will relate something rather awesome to you.

The Paramore Brand New Eyes deluxe thing I ordered arrived yesterday. Brand New Eyes is an amazing album. I love the structure of it, and how it starts off in a really quite angry manner but ends pretty hopefully.

The kewlest part being that I have it and it ISN'T EVEN OUT YET!

And despite the fact that I’ve never been in a band that got very famous very young and then nearly broke up I feel like I kind of relate to this song:

Turn It Off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're heading for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better of when I hit the bottom

And before I go, I also want to ask a favour of anyone that reads this.

http://www.blogyourwaytoantarctica.com/blogs/view/619

Please go onto the above website and vote for Kristina to go to Antarctica. It takes five minutes to register and vote and then just think, in what could have been a potentially useless five minutes you’ll have helped send someone to Antarctica. She’s second at the moment and voting finishes in five days times. Please help her J

Track: The album Brand New Eyes by Paramore. (www.myspace.com/paramore if you want to hear the whole album).

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She has been through a lot as well, which I didn't know. Racism and stuff. When she was at school she always wanted to be a English teacher, but when it came to getting her reference for university, the careers teacher wouldn't give her a reference because she wouldn't believe that she could pass her English a level (she did) and because she said "People like you don't get to teach." And the thing that happens to Callum in Noughts and Crosses with the history test really happened and Malorie Blackman!

(My face looks stupid. I'm really red and gross from waiting in line for more than an hour.)

She wrote my name! And because I haven't read Double Cross yet (she read from it and I had to have it and it's going to be amazing when I finish what I'm reading now and get to read it.) she actually said "I hope you enjoy it."

Malorie Blackman said she hoped I enjoyed her book!

I can't believe we nearly didn't get there. Seriously. We were running late and then there was traffic and all the junctions were closed. We ended up going a weird way through all these villages and towns and I actually figured out how to read a map through neccesity.

We stayed over night in Bath (that part wasn't so fun because since I've sort of be constantly prepared for something bad to happen for the last three weeks I was really, really paranoid.) and then got to wander around the next day.

We went to the Fashion Museam, which, if you live near Bath and haven't been to yet is really worth a look. Honestly, I'm not that interested in fashion but I found the whole thing fascinating.

I particularly fell in love with this dress. Margot Fonteyne first wore it in the forties.

Adding to the insane busy-ness of the weekend was the fact that there was also a Jane Austin festival going on. There were loads of people dressed up.

And then...

Possibly the cutest kid. Ever.
As soon as I saw him I went "Awwww!" which prompted this really eggy photographer to be like "Yeah yeah, it's a kid, you were one once!"
When I looked surprised he was all "I'm kind of cynical."
Cynical or not how could you not look at that kid and think he's cute?

Later in the day we went to John's event, Charlie Higson. I haven't read any of his books but I might do now because he was such a funny guy. He made his distaste for Twilight obvious, which was pretty funny and then went into the history of horror and zombies and stuff.

John was really thrilled to meet him.

And other than that we did other tourist stuff, like visiting Royal Cresent.

There were other things too that I didn't take photos of. Things like me walking into a tree and eating out in this lush Italian place.
I also noticed how easily you can pick out the rich people there. Especially the guys. Rich boys just have a rich boy look about them, you know? I could go into exactly why this is but then I would probably be accused of stereotyping.

And now I seriously need a shower.

Track: Rainbows In The Dark - Tilly and the Wall

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An example of this would be yesterday, when my friend Ime and a girl I didn’t know were talking in German to each other in the library. They were sitting across the table from where I was working, and I glanced up at them a couple of times. One of the times, I met the eyes of the girl I didn’t know and then – being the paranoid person that I am – I suddenly thought she probably thought that I was getting irritated with their talking (they didn’t stop talking or lower their voices or anything though, so I don’t know why I thought this). So, to make the rude thing I had done but not done better I decided that I would compliment them on their speaking, because the German was really fluent and good. Getting up the courage to do this took me ages though, so it just occurred to me I was probably staring for a while before I said anything. Basically I just said they were both really good at German and the fluency was great etc and then kind of expected them to smile or something and not think I was a horrible eggy person.
What actually happened was that Ime sort of half smiled at me and the girl I didn’t know gave me a funny look. I thought this was pretty weird, since I’d just tried to be nice so I concentrated on my work and didn’t look at them again for the rest of the session.

Today, I walked past the girl I didn’t know and heard her speaking English…

She’s German.

Track: You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds feat Regina Spektor

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Omg something horrible happened to me this morning.
There I was, happily waiting for my train to arrive on the freezing cold platform and then suddenly, out of nowhere my nightmare of a child development teacher, most irritating woman in the world Mrs P materialized. I attempted to hide behind a sign but she was not having any of it. She came over and started speaking to me.
Other than obvious reasons, I’ve been avoiding her lately because I didn’t go on to take the childcare diploma. Teachers are known for getting stressy when you drop their subjects. Especially subjects you get an A* in. She started off with implying that all my A level choices were terrible and I would hate them and went on to tell me which girls in my class failed. And then, when I thought the conversation couldn’t get much weirder she started to express her surprise at one of my friends having actually continued going to school.
Luckily the train arrived at this point and I was able to run away.

The one thing I am really enjoying about college right now is the choice of text in English. We’re studying The History Boys and I absolutely love it. I love the sense of humour and the story is brilliant, if a little weird. By the end of it you kind of end up sympathising with this guy who is pretty much a paedophile. We watched the film in class and the acting was fantastic. I recognised pretty much everyone in it, as well, so it was fun placing everybody. I don’t know whether or not everyone knows this (you probably do) but the cast of the film is also the original cast of the play.

I really can’t get used to lessons ending so early though. My third and fourth lessons today were Applied Science, and when got there it became clear that all we were to do was hand in our coursework then leave. The teacher said that she would register us in the afternoon without us returning to the room that we study in and that we were welcome to go off and work independently.
Because I have a free period last session I figured I might as well go home. This was at about 12. It’s so weird leaving school before lunch break even starts.

So there I was, walking to the bus stop, wondering if I had just sent the elderly couple who had asked me for directions completely the wrong way when I began to really think about how none of my life feels all that real at the moment. It hasn’t since John had his seizure. In that moment, all I could think was “this isn’t happening it’ll all go away in a minute” and I kind of haven’t got out of that mind set yet.

I can imagine the driver of the car I saw crash when I was at the bus stop is probably feeling the same.

Track: When Will The Writer – Danielle Ate The Sandwich

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We went to see the nuerologist today with John. First of all we had to wait for AGES because the hospital was running late (as always). I got really bored in this time and started mucking around. It earned us all a lot of funny looks from nurses and doctors but I think it cheered up my mum and John.

So after an hour or more or something of waiting they eventually let us in for our appointment. The neurologist and the local adult epilepsey nurse were in there. The whole thing was kind of horrible because we had to explain what happened in detail and despite the fact I am still reliving the whole thing in my head several times a day saying it out loud was kind of hard.
The doctor has decided to change John's medication, which is exactly what he didn't want and now he's upset. They want to put him up from 500 to 700, so he now has to take two different kind of pills. Beyond that she wasn't exactly helpful. Since John's behaviour had been pretty leading up to the seizure, my mum tried to talk about that with the doctor but she didn't seem to be interested, and kinda brushed the whole thing off. The epilepsey nurse gave us her number though, and she seemed a lot nicer so maybe we can phone her.
So then we left the hospital, with the new prescrition. We were trying to comfort John about it but I don't know that we were that sucessful. Last time the pills were changed he had some rather shitty side effects and he hasn't forgotton about it, unfortunately.
We thought the best place to get the meds would be Boots, 'cause that's on the way home but when we got there we realised that my mum had forgotten to pick up John's card thing so we had to go home anyway.
Then we went to Asda, where we discovered that the prescription we have been given may in fact be wrong. John has the slow release pills, and that was not on the prescription we had been given. So yeah. That's one more thing to sort out. My mum had a deadline she doesn't think she's going to meet so she's freaking out. I wish I could help, but I have to go to school.

Other than that today was pretty good. I got a lot done.

God, I'm boring today. (Today. Lol.)

Omg. I am so gutted about Patrick Swayze. My mum didn't realise I didn't know about it when she was talking. I can't believe he's dead. I remember so clearly the first time I saw Dirty Dancing. It's really sad.

It's so weird. Whenever I get any kind of horrible news, even when what happened with John happened I get this really weird feeling that is somewhere between laughing and crying. I suppose everyone does. It's just weird to be really upset and then think I'm going to laugh then I burst into tears. Crying and laughing shouldn't feel similar.

I'm so tired right now. I really want to make my blog more interesting, but I don't really know how. Sometimes funny things happened and I think "I should so blog about that" but then by the time I'm actually at the computer I just don't care anymore.

A college day feels 500 times longer than a school day. I feel as though it shouldn't.

Oh, and it anyone reads this I'm sorry. I'm getting used to a new routine at the moment. I'll fit reading blogs into everything soon, I promise. I would check at school but I went on BCUK once and then they blocked it, which kind of sucks.

Track: Swing Swing - All American Rejects

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School got a lot better towards the end of the week. I can't remember whether I said this or not but at the beginning of last week I was finding all my lessons boring and the atmosphere irritating and myself really not wanting to be there. I thought maybe I'd made the wrong decision, staying with my friends. The end of the week has maybe changed my mind.
Pyschology has become very interesting. We are looking at memory and how information is processed in the mind. We learnt about this man called Clive Wearing, who sadly had this really bad disease that like ate his memory. He suffered with both antrograde and retrograde amnesia, which means that as well as not being able to remember anything about his past, he can't remember the present for more than a few seconds. Seeing the video about him was really quite distressing, and as much as I felt sorry for him I mostly felt awful for his wife. Clive kept a diary, and most of the entries were him saying things like "This is my first moment of conciousness" but he would occasionally have written "I LOVE DEBORAH!" (his wife) but would obviously not remember that he wrote it. Whenever she came into see him he would always leap up and give her a massive hug and a kiss. He couldn't remember who she was, and whenever she saw him he would say how he was just meeting her and she was the first person ever to see him, but he could somehow remember that he was in love with her.
We also discussed the way that people with Asperger's and other ASD don't hear their thoughts, in the way that most people do but they actually see them, in picture form. I didn't know this, and I find it a little hard to relate to John.

Actual learning stuff aside Friday was really helpful to me because I finally just told Rose what happened. I was upset about the incident in Sainsbury's and she knew something was wrong with me the moment she saw me so in the end (a few hours later, when we finally weren't with a group) I told her about the seizure and how I'd felt and how John felt and what happened on Thursday and she was SO lovely and helpful to me that I just feel stupid for having kept it to myself. She actually reacted to the news and then did the most amazing thing ever which was her simply asking me "what happened?". I know it's weird, but that's what I've been wanting from Kailee all this time. I told her that he'd been ill but she never let me explain the how/when/why/what of it. I probably shouldn't have but I told Rose about my frustrations with Kailee as well. I also told Rose that I definitely can't go to Bristol with everyone later in the month either, since I hate being away from my family right now. Did I mention Bristol? I don't think I mentioned Bristol.
Basically, Rose's parents own a house in Bristol that they were renting out but are now selling. The house is free for a few weeks so Rose has invited a load of people up there for a weekend to get pissed and be idiots. I really can't justify that to myself. I didn't even want to go to Exeter this weekend because it's too far away.

And now for Kailee. I feel guilty about the way I've been talking about her for the last couple of weeks because suddenly today she decided to be helpful. I got impatient with her on Friday. Not to the extent where I was mean or anything just I honestly didn't feel like I could handle hearing anything else about Facebook Boyfriend and their mundane text messaging. I don't feel so much like it now, but I thinking mean things I honestly felt like I couldn't care less. I'm going to go back to being a good friend on Monday, really.

Hugh came over on Friday night. It wasn't so bad. I stuck around so he didn't have to oppertunity to say anything to my mum but I didn't look at him the whole time. I couldn't, his face is stupid and it makes me angry. My mum still seems okay and pretty sure of herself though. I'm so proud of her right now it's unreal.

And now for this weekend. Well, so far I haven't done any of the work I was planning to. I have so much I should be doing but the week is so much hard work I'm having difficulty kicking myself back into homework mode.
Yesterday was good. Me, mum and John went to Dartmoor to this beautiful village to have coffee and walk around. The coffee place we went to is called Cafe On The Green and I have loved it for years for it's good food and lovely shop but sadly the shop is now gone. Damn credit crunch.
The weather was great so after we had coffee we walked around with Barney for a while. We went to these amazing old houses and found a B&B I would love to stay in if it wasn't an hour away from where I actually live. We talked about holidays next year and general travelling. John was a bit quiet which was obviously making us worry but he seemed to perk up later in the day.
When we got home I ended up writing a song. A really, embarrassing, terrible song. It was so fun though. It's about All The Small Things, from Esta's point of view. It's sounds awful and the lyrics are bad but I had a lot of fun writing it but I think I have sprained my arms from paying guitar non-stop for 3 hours.

Today has been pretty relaxed too. I decided to catch up on all my Youtube subscriptions which took forever (I don't even care. I love Youtube. There we have it) and look at postsecret and stuff.
I've been on the internet for hours now. I vowed that I would start work at three o clock but I don't think it's going to happen. I have a lot of free periods in the week when I'm on my own though, so I should get a lot done then.
Actually I just remembered I have way more to do that I was thinking I did. Crap. When's everything due in? Who knows.

Bath Children's Literature Festival on Friday. Malorie Blackman. Charlie Higson (still making my way through his first book. John loves him though). Can't wait. Going to be awesome. Love Bath. Yay.

Farewell. Who knows when I'll be here again (2 days, most likely).

Track: Mouthwash - Kate Nash

PS: Lol, I just remembered something weird that happened to me this week. When I was sitting waiting for my mum to pick me up from the train station this random lady came up to me and said,
"Excuse me, have you ever been to St Ives?"
When I said no, sorry, she was all "Oh. Don't worry. I was just wondering if it would be a nice place to go on holiday.." and then walked off.

PPS: I've been reading this blog all afternoon: http://italktosnakes.blogspot.com/
The girl, Kristina went all the way from America to England to study and live with her boyfriend only for him to dump her on like the second night. She was left in a strange country, alone, heart broken and generally not knowing what the hell to do next.

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I got a return ticket today (a single is £3.30 and a return £3.40. It's cheaper to get a return but it just means I have to stand around for ages and do annoying things like go to Sainbury's) so I was with mum and John when they went into Sainbury's which usually, I wouldn't have been.
We were nearly all the way around and everything had been fine but John suddenly said that he felt sick. He went really blank and white except his temples, which were flushed. My mum walked him over to the loos (lots of people stared but no one asked if everything was okay) except he wasn't walking properly and he was weird and that kind of scary. We stayed in the loos for a little while but then he said that he felt better. We went and paid for the shopping, and he stayed quite pale and blank but once we got back into the car he perked up again.
We just took him to the doctor though, to be on the safe side and she said that he's okay and that his ear is still fine and everything. She also told him that he wasn't likely to have a seizure, which I think has made him feel a little better.
He's really anxious though.

I think it's awful, and I really hate myself for it but whenever something do to with seizures happens my only instinct is to run the hell away.

We're going to see a nuerologist on Tuesday.

I so nearly lost it in Sainsbury's. I'm glad that I didn't, it would have been awful for John. Me crying would not have helped the situation since my mum was already freaking.
I was unhelpful. I only unfroze when we were practically within sight of the surgery.
It's so hard to keep calm.
It's impossible.

Fact: I never read the safety information on trains because that is an eventuality I don't like to think about.

Observation: Fat guys look funny sleeping.

Track: 21 Guns - Green Day

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Heh. I was just about to go on a rant about some of my friends. I've only told a couple of people but no one really cares about what happened with John. I should probably tell Rose because she would most likely let me talk but I'm too scared. When people don't care it makes me more upset. So yeah, I was losing faith in my friends a lot but Kailee just asked me how he was. That's the first time anyone has done that.

I suppose that this is just another way that I conform. I have been pretty angry at most of the people that I know for a good week or so now but have said absolutely nothing. I think I would have had every right to tell them I thought they were being unsupportive and selfish. One person in particular, actually. Why didn't I? Because that's not what you do. Or at least, not if you're like me. You just moan to other people instead of making changes.

Track: Braille - Regina Spektor

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