Angst? Me? Never.

John had a mini seizure today. I feel awful that my gran was on her own with him. My mum feels awful that she isn't here, although she is coming back tomorrow night now. We have to make an appointment with the useless nuerologist again with the emergency card she gave us.
He is on so much medication, I don't understand why it isn't working properly. This is the third thing like this in the last couple of months. I know that there are other things after a seizure as major as he had but I don't remember this much happening afterwards last time.

John's really upset. He doesn't want more hospital appointments. He doesn't want to be scared anymore. I hate myself for not being able to help him.

What I hate myself for most though, is that not only was I not here for him when it happened but I wasn't afterwards either. I don't know what happened but I panicked. I really, really panicked and cried constantly from four o'clock 'till seven. Obviously I couldn't let him see me like that so I had to keep myself in my room. Because I'm the most useless, horrible sister ever.

He's going to college tomorrow anyway. He perked up a lot this evening and really wants to go in. I'm so worried about it. I wish he didn't have to go on the bus. The doctor said we'll probably have to get him a bracelet thing, so people would know that he has it and if he was on his own they would know what was happening.

I need to go to sleep but I'm too worried. My mum just told me to go to sleep. I've been awake most of the last two nights and I don't think I can manage all night tonight.

The friend that was pissing me off let me talk to her. I wasn't going to tell anybody but she made a point of asking how he was so I did tell her. And one of the people that my mum is staying with sent me a nice message on Facebook. It made me cry again.

Track: Anything by Regina Spektor from the album Far

I will stop thinking that my friend's "relationship" with her boyfriend is stupid.

Just because I think it's impossible, stupid and pointless to conduct a while relationship by text does not make it so OR lessen it's importance.

Just because she didn't listen to me when I actually needed her, and that I am now expected to care about this shite does not make it matter less. If anything, it makes it more important because it's my chance to not be a hypocrite.

This is very important to her, and therefore I should start caring about it and not bitch about it to my mum as soon as I get home or speak to her.

Apparently the relationship had a very messy ending, because he's in love with her. Not in love with her enough to actually... I don't know.. SPEAK to her. No. Not that in love.

Nonetheless, I should not think that is stupid.

She's telling me what a state he's in right this second, as I'm writing this bitchy blog.
I want to laugh and say YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH A BLOODY TEXT MESSAGE! But that would be insensitive. I think she's enjoying thinking that a guy is in love with her, even if she doesn't feel the same way. I have to remember that she clearly feels her life is FAR more important than mine and that I should feel the same.

Stop being a bitch! Maybe you can fall in love with someone. I've never been in love, so what would I know?

This is so stupid. Like, really ridiculous. I feel guilty for not caring but really, I've spent so much time talking about this.

*sigh*

I want to be horrible to her so badly.

I'm such a horrible person.

Oh well. It's fun.

Folding Chair - Regina Spektor

A bit of a funny day, all things considered. Lately each say at college is so full of ups and downs, it’s so tiring and a lot of emotions to fit into six hours.

A couple of boys in my Sociology lesson (one of which is in at least half of my other classes. I can’t stand him and every hour we spend together brings me closer to the day that I will ultimately throw him out of the nearest window) really upset me today. We end up in all these random discussions in my Sociology lessons anyway, and this means that we don’t end up getting through half of the work that we are supposed to. It’s really annoying.
Today for some reason people who live off benefits came up and the boys immediately started of them being scum and stuff. I’m not usually that outspoken but I completely snapped at them both without meaning to. It just got my angry.
Yeah, my family lived completely off benefits for a long time. For some people, it’s the best option. My mum chose to stay unemployed so that she could focus on bringing up my brother and I. We didn’t have anyone else taking care of us and we all know by now how useful my dad has been. I think that me and John turned out all the better for her being around. And then there’s the fact that she would have needed such an understanding employer. When we were kids John use to have hospital appointments for various things every few weeks, and these only increased when his seizures started. It would have been so difficult if she worked, and I know I particularly would have suffered with it.
All this not even taking into account how much child care would have cost. It wouldn’t have worked. We had even less money when I was a kid. We were one of the families that our church gave money at Christmas. It’s weird, when I think about it.
We’ve been through so much as a family and people speaking the way that those boys did, and investing all their beliefs in a stereotype designed for the ignorant completely discredits all that. They try to make you ashamed of the person you are and I don’t see why I should stand for that.

So yeah. Think twice before you next judge someone, because the chances are you don’t know anything about their actual situation.

And I’m not going to let some disdainful, scathing voice asking me whether I live off benefits make me ashamed.

We’re not on them anymore. We have some but it’s not our whole income. Coming off them was so awesome because the benefits office messed up constantly. We used to have to go to this office all the time because they periodically took a load of money away from us for no reason. It was really stressful and kind of a strange thing to be thinking about when you’re ten, now I think about it.

Ahh well. I'm going away this weekend. My mum got me tickets to go and see Twelth Night in Stratford. I can't wait. I'll take photos . I'm seventeen on Monday, it's so weird.

Track: Lifestyles of the Rich and the Famous - Good Charlotte

I LOVE fireworks night.

Track: Eet - Regina Spektor
NaNoWriMo wordcount: 9398 words

Ugh. Last night was awful. John was up all night. I got less than two hours worth of sleep in the end. I’m not totally sure how I made it through college today, lol.

Basically I couldn’t really sleep anyway because I was worrying about my mum and going back to school and stuff and John woke up just after I went to sleep. He was feeling sick when he woke up which caused him to panic that he was going to have a seizure. When he feels like that he gets up every ten minutes or so and goes to the bathroom until my mum goes and sits in his room with him. He doesn’t really do being quiet so I get woken up and then my mum kind of freaked out at about 3am because she isn’t well and she’s tired and she’s taken on too much work and she just needed to sleep. She wasn’t even angry at John, it was at the lack of help that we get. We’re spoken to doctors about this problem before and they don’t even appear to hear it. They just smile at you and send you on your way. And our area epilepsy nurse turned out to be as useless as the rest of them. She still hasn’t phone us back and it’s been a week now.

My mum freaking out made John worse so everyone was up for longer and I could hear my mum and John talking which was what lead me to be dancing around my kitchen lip synching to Birdhouse In Your Soul at 4.30am. I’m so tired today. I eventually went back to bed properly at about 5.30 and it was 6.30 the last time I checked my clock. I had to get up at 7.30, lol. It was all right though, my mum didn’t make me get the train, she dropped me and John in. It meant that I was a bit late but the EMA lady was really understanding and I won’t lose any which is a relief.

If I don’t sleep well tonight I think I might skip college tomorrow. I know that is such a wimpy thing to do but I feel terrible, and there’s really no way of knowing what John’s going to be like tonight.

NaNoWriMo is actually going really well. I’ve written over 5000 words already, which puts me ahead. It was helpful that I got so much done yesterday because it made up for the fact that I was a bit useless with it all today.

I love Birdhouse In Your Soul. It just makes me happy.

Track: Birdhouse In Your Soul – They Might Be Giants