She came in today and clearly was not very well. I think that she has a temperature too, since she seemed to be boiling when everyone else wasn’t. I think it was a really selfish thing to do. I’m not the sort to fall out with people or anything, but I wasn’t just avoiding her today because she’s ill. She could so easily have not come in, and then caught up later. It isn’t difficult to do, I mean, she skips school days for horse things. I’m really worried about what me giving this to my brother could do. Worried here meaning absolutely fucking terrified, of course.
I was talking about epilepsy with Rose today and how it works differently with different people and stuff. Her little brother, who also has autism (more severe than John) had five seizures on Saturday night. It must have been so scary. He kind of gets over them though, like, they happen and then they stop and then he’s upset but otherwise okay. It doesn’t change how dangerous they are, obviously because of the falling over but they don’t do the whole hospital thing. Then there’s this other girl I know who has a kind of epilepsy but she doesn’t have seizures in the way that you would think. She just goes blank. Like… think of someone staring into space but they can’t snap out of it, and it can happen anywhere at any time. It’s so dangerous, because it can happen in the middle of the road and stuff. And then there’s John, who has these major seizures and throws up during them and stuff but they don’t happen very often. When I was younger I always saw epilepsy as this one specific thing but it’s so much more complicated than that. It is such a scary thing and I feel like unless you live with it or live with someone who has it you can’t appreciate that. Or at least, that’s what I get from people’s reactions to me when I’ve talked about it.

Despite the worrying and stuff (it’s left me with a lovely headache, which of course I’m paranoid now is me being ill, when it isn’t since I get stress headaches. I know I get stress headaches so I’m being stupid.) today had it’s fun parts. Like now I’m just getting home after hanging out with this girl that I don’t know that well after school. It went okay, I can only remember one awkward silence but I got passed that okay. So maybe there is hope for me socially.

I gave in another job application today. I really hope they hire me since the application took forever, it was like 6 pages long and there were all these stupid interview questions. I suppose it shows how much the place actually cares about its employees though. At Card Warehouse all you have is this little A5 sheet that asks you whether or not you can legally work in the UK and that’s it and at Game (yes, I applied to Game. No, I cannot see myself working there any more than you can) you just hand in a CV. The Body Shop on the other hand…
I really need a job. Right now I can’t afford Christmas and it’s getting to the point were I feel I should really be contributing. My mum has the worried expression on her face all the time now, and I keep seeing her counting. She does this when she’s figuring out money, and since my dad hasn’t given us any for the last two months things are getting kind of tight. I told her that I don’t mind stopping the guitar lessons but she doesn’t want me to because she thinks I need things that make me happy because she’s worried ‘cause I’m sad all the time. The fact that I contribute to the worried expression makes me feel so horrible.

Track: Laughing With – Regina Spektor

This is the song. I love it, and the lyrics mean a lot to me. I think they would mean something to everyone just ‘cause they’re true. Aside from all of that I just really like this music video.