Angst? Me? Never.

2 months since yesterday. Rang the area epilepsy nurse to discuss the goings on of last week. Said she would ring back on Monday and she never did. What a suprise (not).

The fact that I'm already getting worried about NaNoWriMo cannot be a good start. I really don't think that I have it in me, because November is looking to be a very busy month.

A Short Outline of My November

The first weekend of November I am going away to Stratford to see Twelth Night. It's for my birthday and I can't wait. Any excuse to get away from where I live is bliss at the moment. I'm a bit worried about the cost of it all, but at least the tickets weren't too bad because my mum had vouchers from when we saw DT Hamlet last year.

Then on the following Monday it's my birthday (17. Oh, God). I don't think that we're doing anything particularly and I get weird on my birthdays so I don't really want to do anything with friends. Plus the attention kind of freaks me out.

After my birthday nothing really happens for a while. Until, of course the big thing. The thing that we have all been dreading and worrying about for months. Not least because they aren't actually finished with their play yet. My mum is going away for a week with her friend to do a play in primary schools about not bullying. I'm really worried about this week because I'm not quite sure how to manage everything yet. My gran is coming down because I'm too scared to be alone with John but after a conversation my mum told me she had with gran the other day I don't think my gran would be much use were anything to happen. Please pray with me that it doesn't, because I honestly know how I'll cope.
Then there's the whole I have to take over all the house work thing. And walk the dog, which should be interesting because he generally refuses to leave the house without my mum. And I think I'm going to have to start getting up at five in the morning in order to walk to dog, get ready for school, get John ready for college and down to the station on time. I also don't know how we're going to get the the station because my gran probably will be too scared to drive and a taxi just seems ridiculous. It's times like this I realise the extent to which me and my family are completely alone in the world, lol.

But whatever. I'm sure I can fit in writing 50 000 words too. And guitar practise. And school. And homework. And the unnecessary emotional crap I will inevitably put myself through.

I'll be 17. How weird it that? I'm like.. old.

Track: Giving Up - Ingrid Michaelson

Twilight has gone too far.

Bloody hell. There is a Twilight religion.

I wish I was kidding, I really do.

I don't want to take the mick because I know everyone had the right to their own beliefs but Cullenism? Really? I can't help but..

Just look at their beliefs:

As a Cullenist we believe:
Edward and the rest of the Twilight characters are real
Stephenie Meyer is the (or one of the) best author(s)
The twilight series should be worshiped
If you are good in life, you will be bless with eternity with the Cullens, if you are bad in life, you will be sent to James’ cave

Apparently they also have to go on a pilgramidge to Forks once in their lifetime.

God. The story is so ridiculous as well. It does take a while to realise it, but it's true. It's a pile of crap.

Track: I'm Not Edward Cullen - Hank Green

I have watched kind of a lot of films in the last couple of days. Mostly out of thinking that it's half term and deciding that I was therefore going to do nothing. I love films because they are such a great distraction. Not just because of the fact that I'm watching something totally unrelated to my own thoughts but because I can even pretend I'm watching the film in a different situation. That isn't meant as an insult to people I watch films with, just some movies need the extra bit of pretence in order for them to actually be enjoyable.

The films I have watched:

1. The Truman Show (amazing)
I have wanted to see The Truman Show for ages because various people have told me how good it is and it has been mentioned on my Sociology course once or twice. It was definitely worth watching. I have to admitt I did find it a little hard to get into because I'm not the biggest Jim Carrey fan (I hate Liar Liar more than I can possibily express) but after a while I did forget how annoying he is and found myself just focussing on the plot. The whole thing kind of creeped me out when I thought about it, because psychologists really do screw with people (David Reimer being the most disturbing example) and never seem to be given any kind of punishment. I know the creator of the show wasn't supposed to be a psychologist but he really reminded me of some of the doctors I have studied at school.
I think that this is a film that would improve on being watched twice. Not least because the adverts (I watched it on channel 4, lol) made the plot more difficult to follow/get in to.

2. Camp Rock (shit)
I am so embarassed that I actually watched this. It was on after The Truman Show and I had nothing to do and didn't want to go to bed so...
God, it was bad. The conversation was really stilted sometimes between the girls because there was this small pause between each piece of dialogue. All of the girl's voices were really annoying as well! And the music was so bad! Okay, I'm not exactly a great lover of Demi Lovato or The Jonas Brothers ("not exactly" here meaning I HATE them!) but still! The music was terrible! Plus there was drumming in every song but never anyone playing them! There were plenty of guitars but nothing else. And I do not see the attraction to any of The Jonas Brothers. What is wrong with Joe Jonas's eyebrows?! Have you seen them? How could anyone find that remotely attractive?!

3. Up (love <3)
I saw this at the cinema yesterday afternoon and despite the vaguely uncomfortable situation I was I found myself completely drawn into it. It was so funny and yet another film you can appreciate on different levels. The bits with the dog, Doug are actually hilarious because he is exactly like my dog is. I love how Pixar manage to produce the simple little quirks so perfectly (think the dog in Over The Hedge "play?!" lol). The animation was spectacular, as usual. The moment when all the balloons shoot out the top of the house is actually kind of beautiful. All the landscapes are amazing and they just make you want to step into the world of the film because it's so perfect.
I would recommend trying to see this one of the big screen, because little televisions really don't do animated films justice.

4. Truly Madly Deeply (as yet unsure)
I was in a right mess when I watched this, so I'm not going to pretend that I enjoyed it. It just didn't help with the thoughts that were in my head.
But ignoring those I think it was pretty good. I didn't like dead guy because he reminded me of Hugh. I thought that the art therapy guy was really cute, he made me want to do that kind of job because it looked so rewarding. My mum told that the guy that plays him (his name escapes me right now) usually plays baddies which is kind of shame 'cause like I said, he's really cute.
I think Juliet Stevenson's acting in it is really believable though. She does all the emotional bits in a non-cringey way which was nice. Like I said, I need to watch this again when I'm not thinking about other things.

I love films. I don't know if I can afford now but I'm really hoping to see Fantastic Mr. Fox later in the week.

OOOH, also, while I'm on the topic of films how good does An Education look? It has Carey Mulligan (Doctor Who Blink girl), Emma Thompson, the guy who's the grave robber/stoner in Garden State and Doctor Octopus from Spiderman 2 in! Nick Hornby wrote the script as well so obviously I have to see it because I really, really, reaaaallllly love Nick Hornby's writing style. I am excited about this film. "Excited" is a crappy term for how much I am looking forward to seeing it. .

Trailer for An Education:

Track: Ode to Optophobia - Danille Ate The Sandwich

I am now on half term. I feel so ready to be off. I know that I'm doing less subjects but college is much more tiring than school ever was. The social stuff doesn't help, I'm having to re-evaluate a friendship or two. Ah well. I could never hang on to best friends anyway.

John has been scaring us again this week. On Thursday night my mum was out at a murder mystery related thing, and I was on my own with John. I felt pretty confident about everything, since he'd been all right for a while then he just suddenly went white as a sheet and threw up. It was so fast and then I was freaking out because I thought he was going to have a seizure (he didn't). It was so weird, there was no lead up. You can always tell when John is feeling sick. I don't think he evn knew until he threw up. So then I was frantically trying to get hold of my mum to get her to come home because I'm useless on my own and in the end had to phone her friend because her phone was off. He was really sweet about it though.
I thought everything was okay after that, but John was sick again the next day. The exact same thing happened. No warning, just suddenly vomit (to be frank). So my mum called the doctor and he said it was either an infection, small seizures or a reaction to the meds increasing. I don't know.
I talked to my guitar teacher about it. I like to tell him stuff, because he actuallt reacts to it. Like, my friends just start talking about their lives (boys, basically) as soon as I've spoken but he lets me mention stuff. Not in a like serial moaning way. He just makes the effort to ask how John is so I tell him.

Hugh keeps phoning. I probably wrote about it last weekend but he's being annoying.

This is going nowhere. Ooh, I'm learning a Newton Faulkner song for my guitar this week. I love it, even though it's really hard. There's a couple different techniques I don't find easy on their own and together... well...
I'm happy with it though. I usually find the stuff that he sets me a little bit too easy. Having a challenege is.. well, just that. And the timing is perfect, since it being half term means I actually have the time to practise.

I'm going to see Up this afternoon with mum, John and Mum's Friend & Co. (his kids). I have no need to feel weird about this. I will be repeating that throughout the afternoon. I kind of like the fact that my dog doesn't like kids so they can't come in and invade our house as well as church (not that I go but it bugs me that they go now and NO I CANNOT EXPLAIN WHY).

In the words of Dr. Cox Big Fun.

Track: Let Go - Frou Frou

I realised a little while ago that I have a postsecret.

I really want to send it.

Because then maybe I could deal, and move on.

Problem is, it isn't really mine to tell...

Track: When You Were Young - The Killers

Usually people say that it's better to talk about things, right? And this was something I had kept to myself outside of here for a long time. I've been quiet for nearly a year. I mean, I started getting worried the first time he came around.

I figure I'm going to need to explain this properly.

I'm on about my mum's friend, basically. I told her yesterday how weird I felt about it. I didn't say don't see him anymore or anything like that I just explained why I was being odd. I honestly really like the guy. Is it possible to like someone and feel incredibley threatened by them at the same time?
All this and they aren't even together.

Okay. Right.

I've been feeling weird since I had the dream about Hugh. I just feel at the moment that all the things that he said about me are right and I'm horrible and all that stuff. And then with my mum's friend being around here loads I'm scared that he's going to change everything again. I'm not used to having men around so much, and it's difficult to get used to. And my mum keeps going on about how nice he is which makes me scared she likes him and then I get scared we have to go through the whole Hugh thing again. And right now she and John are at church with him and his daughter and I'm scared of getting pushed out. My family is all I have and I don't know what I'd do if someone took that away. So I sort of said that's how I felt because my mum was going to invite him round yesterday because he was sad and then I just kind of blurted that she was seeing him tomorrow anyway (today. Church).
She told me that he's nothing like Hugh (she can't know that. Men show what they want you to see until they know they're not going anywhere.) She said that it would never start like she and Hugh started and she wouldn't let anyone push her into anything the way that Hugh did. She said that she would never be with anyone that treated me and John as badly as Hugh did.

And now she's worried about me. Mum said that she would rather me tell her what I'm feeling than not at all but now she's worried and I know that telling her what I was thinking was a selfish thing to do. It's like Hugh always blaming me for all her problems and it's kind of right. I mean, she's got this guy who's her friend and who's nice and I made her worry about me. I didn't mean to. I just sort of got myself into a situation where I couldn't get out of saying what I was thinking because she wouldn't let me leave. She said that she feels the same and that the idea of being with someone scares that hell out of her and that she is no where near ready to be with anyone again yet anyway.

I didn't mean to make her worry.

I feel like crap.

Ah well. At least it's Postsecret day.

Is it just me or does anyone else find the BMW advert really, really annoying?

Track: Naive - The Kooks

I first of all want to say how awesome the comments on my last post were. They have some newspapers in the library at school so I'll have a nose through those and see what I think. Thanks for the advice.

When you are at school there are certain sterotypes that no matter what you do you can't seem to get away from them. One of these would be "emo". The "emo" stereotype is that of a person who's sex you usually can't tell, is miserable, wears black all the time, listens to music about killing themselves/everyone around them and has a self harming problem. Usually at least half of this isn't true. I know people who I guess would be "emo" and they're funny and happy the majority of the time.

But then, there are the people who feel the need to conform to this stereotype. One of whom, is this girl in my year (who I was certain was a boy up until last week when I walked in on her in the girls loos.) I don't know her, really, since we haven't ever spoken so I suppose I can't judge but frankly she pisses me off. She walks around deliberatly showing off to everyone the cuts that she has and frequently comes in to college with gauze wrapped around her arms and wrists. She makes a big point of showing what she has done to all the girls in her class and even cuts herself in front of people sometimes.

I understand that problems comes in all shapes and forms but I just feel like she's attention seeking more then anything. I mean... I know someone that has a problem with self harming. And... it's scary. It really scares me and I worry about her a lot but it's not something that she flaunts. She's not "emo" or anything like that and the self harming is something that she tries very hard to hide. She only told me about it when she decided that she wanted to get some help with it. She's on anti-depressants now.
Even John, to some extent has a problem with self harm (the hitting and biting himself) and it's something that he's embarrassed about. Whenever it needs to be brought up when we've attemtped to get help for him he asks my mum not to talk about it.

So... what does that make Emo Girl's problem?
Does she really even have a problem? Or... just feel the need to use "emo" in order to create an identity. I feel mean judging her since it makes me feel like a hypocrite but I can't help it. Why should she show off how "emo" she is when there's people out there with a genuine problem?

Or maybe she does have a genuine problem and it just manifests itself differently. I don't know... I just did so much research after my friend told me that she self harmed and I've not heard of any cases like Emo Girl.

Hmm..

Track: Song About An Anglerfish - Hank Green (lol. Emo Girl should so listen to this.)

I would be lying if I didn’t say that I am a person fairly ignorant to news. I mean, I know about things that apply to myself and the sad stuff that happens but beyond that… I’ve just never really tried to find anything out. I think this is mostly because there have never been newspapers or anything in my house because my mum thought that they were kind of a waste of money.
Since starting college, however and having Sociology and General Studies and English throwing problem after problem in my face I’ve realised that society is really pretty… well, flawed. I also realised that opinions that I thought just me and Beany had are actually quite general as well. It’s like I’m ignorant but not ignorant. Like, I know the problems that I have and the things that I don’t like but I didn’t know everyone had them and hated them. I’m really quite stupid to everything, I’m realising. Plus this time next year I’ll practically be able to vote (how scary is that?) and other than not Conservative I really don’t know what I’m doing.

So I’m going to ask people who I figure will know about this stuff (because I frequently find myself wondering what on earth their references are…) and that would be the people that I know on here. What kind of newspaper should I get?
I mean, I’m getting this £30 a week now and I don’t spend it all on travel so I might as well try and make myself actually understand things in the world that aren’t autism or single parent family related.

Any kind of help with what to get would be really helpful. Oh, and broadsheet not tabloid, ideally. I was reading The Sun over this guy’s shoulder on the train the other day and I now know that it isn’t exactly what I’m looking for…

Track: Nights of the Living Dead - Tilly and the Wall

http://www.thisman.org

Now that is weird.

Speaking of all things weird, sadly I think the dormant weirdo-attraction gene I was hoping I hadn't inherited from my mother seems to have awoken in me. There have been a few incidents in the last few weeks and yet another today. I was walking to the bus stop when I happened to make eye contact with the man walking towards me because he was staring at me. He was smiling at me, so I smiled back to be polite but he continued to stare. I figured not looking would solve this, so he then decided to walk way too close to me considering we were on a wide bit of pavement so I actually had to jump out of the way. I think he said something but I had my headphones in so I didn't hear. I didn't stick around the find out. Oh, the joys of pervy men. I think there is actually a guy in some sort of register who lives in the town I go to school in. Maybe it was him. How comforting.

Last night I dreamt that Hugh suddenly turned up at my house and let himself in while mum and John were out with Barney. He had decided to bring over a bowl of stewed apple for some reason or another and as soon as I saw him I started to get angry. I have a speech prepared that I won't say should I ever see him again when my mum isn't present but in the dream I didn't do my speech. In the dream, I told him that he had done a lot of things wrong and he agreed with me, which really annoyed me more since he doesn't really think so and then I started screaming at him and crying. Next thing I knew I was throwing bowl after bowl of stewed apple at him screaming and crying.
Then I woke up.

Hm.. Maye I should hire This Man to beat him up in my dream.

Track: Gone In The Morning - Newton Faulkner

I watched the repeat of The Autistic Me on BBC3 last night and absolutely hated it. I honestly don't know what was wrong with me, thinking it was so great the first time round. I think I just got excited with the thought of it provoking enough feeling in viewers to actually make them care about the subject. Because that really would have happened. After that pile of crap I think people could actually care less. I swear they did all they could to present the three boys as no hopers who would never get anywhere no matter how hard they tried.

And the worst thing? John watched it with me because I encouraged him. I only did it because I was wearing my rose tinted glasses and thought he would find it interesting. I mean, he's totally obsessed with all things autism at the moment. He got pretty angry about the slide of the documentary. He didn't blame me or anything, and was really sweet when I apologised, but I still feel guilty.

In some ways though, it did make for an interesting evening. It's amazing the extent to which John actually thinks about things. When you look at him staring dazedly at the television you could easily think there's not much going on in his mind but that really isn't the case.

He genuinely does not see himself as someone who is "disabled" and I love that. I also hate that I could have ruined that for him by being stupid and not thinking about that program properly first time round. I guess it's good for him to see how other people like him cope though. My mum was upset about the program too, but like me enjoyed talking with John about his opinions on everything. She said it kind of make her feel like she'd done a good job, since John doesn't feel at all limited by well... himself.

Track: Feeling Sorry - Paramore

I saw (500) Days of Summer earlier in the week. I would recommend it, it's ever so good. It's kind of non-traditional though. Like, the happy/hopeful ending perhaps isn't what you would have expected. I loved the cinema that I saw it in as well, and not just because it only cost me £2.50! The cinema is this old converted barn, and it's not very big so the film seems more intimate. Everyone laughed a lot of times during the film and it felt relaxed and as if we were all in on this one big joke. Which I suppose we were, really. I just don't normally get that feeling in the cinema.
It was good to go out. I had decided in the past week that all my friendships were over and everyone I knew hated me so being invited out did something to counteract that. I am now, of course, trying to convince myself I was only invited because they felt bad, but whatever, I'm doing all I can do ignore that. Jemma went, too and it was really good to see her again. I've missed her more than would have guessed.

I went to see my nan and grandad today. My nan was telling me about this weird tradition their town has on bonfire night. They set fire to barrels and then people run around with said flaming barrels on their backs. Not sure what I make of this. She said if we're around we can go up and watch. If I do, I will be taking a camera.

I'm also toying with the idea of trying to learn the piano again. I used to play when I was in primary school and did about three grades. I did pretty good actually, I got all distinctions but I couldn't actually read music, so the more complicated peices got to be such a hassle and I gave up. I'm thinking I might try and teach myself the read music because there's so much piano stuff that I really love (Regina Spektor, The Dresden Dolls etc) and although it would take forever I think being able to play that sort of stuff would feel kinda good.

I really want to do NanoWriMo this year but I don't think I can think of something that would make a whole novel because I'm stupid so instead I thought I might try and do an anthology of short stories. I like to think that I will actually do it but who knows really. Maybe I should try and think up some punishment for myself if I don't...

I'm going to make biscuits now.

Track: Slide - The Dresden Dolls

Rainrainrain.

Today I discovered that there is a hole in my shoe.

Track: Caring Is Creepy - The Shins

She came in today and clearly was not very well. I think that she has a temperature too, since she seemed to be boiling when everyone else wasn’t. I think it was a really selfish thing to do. I’m not the sort to fall out with people or anything, but I wasn’t just avoiding her today because she’s ill. She could so easily have not come in, and then caught up later. It isn’t difficult to do, I mean, she skips school days for horse things. I’m really worried about what me giving this to my brother could do. Worried here meaning absolutely fucking terrified, of course.
I was talking about epilepsy with Rose today and how it works differently with different people and stuff. Her little brother, who also has autism (more severe than John) had five seizures on Saturday night. It must have been so scary. He kind of gets over them though, like, they happen and then they stop and then he’s upset but otherwise okay. It doesn’t change how dangerous they are, obviously because of the falling over but they don’t do the whole hospital thing. Then there’s this other girl I know who has a kind of epilepsy but she doesn’t have seizures in the way that you would think. She just goes blank. Like… think of someone staring into space but they can’t snap out of it, and it can happen anywhere at any time. It’s so dangerous, because it can happen in the middle of the road and stuff. And then there’s John, who has these major seizures and throws up during them and stuff but they don’t happen very often. When I was younger I always saw epilepsy as this one specific thing but it’s so much more complicated than that. It is such a scary thing and I feel like unless you live with it or live with someone who has it you can’t appreciate that. Or at least, that’s what I get from people’s reactions to me when I’ve talked about it.

Despite the worrying and stuff (it’s left me with a lovely headache, which of course I’m paranoid now is me being ill, when it isn’t since I get stress headaches. I know I get stress headaches so I’m being stupid.) today had it’s fun parts. Like now I’m just getting home after hanging out with this girl that I don’t know that well after school. It went okay, I can only remember one awkward silence but I got passed that okay. So maybe there is hope for me socially.

I gave in another job application today. I really hope they hire me since the application took forever, it was like 6 pages long and there were all these stupid interview questions. I suppose it shows how much the place actually cares about its employees though. At Card Warehouse all you have is this little A5 sheet that asks you whether or not you can legally work in the UK and that’s it and at Game (yes, I applied to Game. No, I cannot see myself working there any more than you can) you just hand in a CV. The Body Shop on the other hand…
I really need a job. Right now I can’t afford Christmas and it’s getting to the point were I feel I should really be contributing. My mum has the worried expression on her face all the time now, and I keep seeing her counting. She does this when she’s figuring out money, and since my dad hasn’t given us any for the last two months things are getting kind of tight. I told her that I don’t mind stopping the guitar lessons but she doesn’t want me to because she thinks I need things that make me happy because she’s worried ‘cause I’m sad all the time. The fact that I contribute to the worried expression makes me feel so horrible.

Track: Laughing With – Regina Spektor

This is the song. I love it, and the lyrics mean a lot to me. I think they would mean something to everyone just ‘cause they’re true. Aside from all of that I just really like this music video.

I realised today I might actually have more time for blog again this week because I don’t have too much terrifying homework. I have a couple of ongoing projects but other than that it’s all small stuff. For example this weekend I’ve only had one small evaluation to write for science (something I still haven’t done). It’s been nice.

My dad came round to see us again yesterday to give us an update on what’s happening with my gran. It isn’t going well. Mentally she’s gone now, I think. She isn’t the same person anymore. Seeing her is kind of difficult, not just because it’s weird but because I’m scared to go in on my own and my mum is worried she’s going to start dragging up things that aren’t talked about. It would be especially bad if anything was said in front of John too, because it’s difficult to explain things to him.

My dad is in kind of a mess. I feel pretty sorry for him, actually. Because my gran’s chances of going home are slowly decreasing he’s having to find a way of paying for residential care. He’s a mason (weird, I know) and so he went to them but it sounds like they’re turning him down. He and his dad were both involved with that crap and personally, I think their not helping him now renders the whole thing a waste of time. I said this to him yesterday and he kind of agreed.
So it looks like he’s going to have to sell my gran’s house. This makes me so angry. He should be selling his house but because it’s Mandy’s (she keeps her money completely separate from him and won’t let him sell, basically) and Mandy won’t move into my gran’s house as it is because it’s not high tech enough. My dad has been talking about moving into the bungalow for as long as I can remember. Long before Mandy came on the scene and I can’t believe she’s making him sell just because she can’t stand not having a totally luxury house. They could move in and save, like everyone else does.
This is why I hate talking to him so much – everything he says you can practically see Mandy behind him pulling on the puppet strings.

A friend is annoying me. They’re whining on and I feel bad because I whine on but the thing is she had a stomach bug and she’s totally planning on coming to school tomorrow and spreading her stupid germs around and I don’t want a stomach bug because if I give it to John I don’t know what will happen. I want to ask her not to come in but I can’t exactly do that. Now I’m really worried. I mean, he’s had a cold since but I don’t know what his body can take anymore. And sickness bugs always scared me anyway. Can I ask someone to stay off school? No. Shit. A sickness bug would mean he wouldn’t keep down his meds. Maybe I should just not go in. But I missed a day last week. Shit, shit, shit. Why can’t people just stay at home when they’re ill? I can’t ask her to stay at home. Can I? The meds thing hadn’t even occurred to me until now. What do I do?

EDIT: I asked her not to go in. She said she's coming anyway unless she's sick again. And she probably won't be now. I can't actually believe that. I told her why. Fuck, she KNOWS why. And it's not like I can just avoid her and it then be fine, everyone I know hangs out with her. People will be in a lesson with her and then a lesson with me.

No one I know actually gives a shit about me. I don't care if I'm over dramaticising. Until this moment, as much as she pisses me off sometimes she was the one person I thought sort of cared about me. Apparently not. Even not giving a shit about me she should understand about John. She's the one that wants to be a fucking doctor.

I suppose I could just skip school this week.

I shouldn't have told my mum. Crap. It's so unfair. Everything about him is going to effect his life so much and no one gives a shit. No one.

So I'm at home. I shouldn't be, really, but I've caught some lurgey or other that's been making me feel increasingly crap over the last few days and since I only had 2 lessons today (not including general studies) I thought I might as well stay at home.

I've just been watching catch up tv online since there's nothing on and ended up at this program about twins that was on last night. It's all based around the nature/nurture debate and that's pretty important in a couple of my subjects I thought it might be useful to watch. Frankly it depressed me. I mean, it was interesting and everything it was just the stuff about genetics. I may have misunderstood this but what the program seemed to be saying was that self esteem is genetic - not just for twins, for everyone. It was really sad. There were these two identical twin girls and they had both started having mental health issues at the age of twelve. One of them developed anorexia and the other depression. The girl with depression has tried to kill herself a bunch of times.
Being the egocentric type person I am I started to apply this information to myself. I can't say it's not something that I've thought about before, but it had never been confirmed. I don't really know that much about my dad's side of the family, I've never asked but on my mum's side I know all the women are pretty much crazy. My great great grandmother dissapeared without a trace one day, so I can't really say about her but from there onwards it's not so good. My great grandmother was just a nutcase, and she screwed up my gran to the extent that her whole life has been limited by her claustrophobia. My mum is... well, she's had a lot of problems with depression in the past. With her though it's difficult to whether or not it's genetic. I can't talk about it because she asked me not to tell anyone but she had a really messed up childhood. So in her case whether it was genetic is quentionable. Actually, in my gran's too I guess.
I sort of lost the point along there somewhere but my original question was going to be: What does this mean for me? I have no interest in being the person I am now forever, but I can't really seem to help being myself. Hmm...

We did something interesting in sociology yesterday. We had to write about ten things that we thought defined us. Basically, we started off with "I am.." then had to fill in the rest. I found this pretty difficult because it's hard not to get... well, more personal than I wanted to be in a room full of people that I didn't know. Having said that I post WAY to much of my life online into the hands of people I've never met so I don't know what I'm complaining about.

ANYWAY

These are my ten (most of these I didn't say in class). I would be interested to know what other people would choose as their ten defining things.

1. I am of a single parent family
2. I am a sister
3. I am a reader
4. I am a writer
5. I am passionate about music
6. I am an escapist
7. I am a vegetarian
9. I am a sort of Christian
10. I am probably late

Track: Where The Lines Overlap - Paramore