Angst? Me? Never.

My mum and I did something terrible and extravagant today. We booked tickets to go and see John Simm's play! In London! I've never seen a play in London before! And JOHN SIMM! I've only been in love with him since... well AGES!
I don't quite know how we're going to pay for it yet. We kind of got really amazing near the front seats. Like, when he looks into the audience he might actually see us. God, I love him so much. I figure the paying for it will be okay. I mean, I'll have a lot of EMA saved up by then (it isn't 'till December) and hopefully somebody will find it in their heart to hire me.

So that's the good news. Next I want to talk about something that makes me angry. In America they have this whole book banning thing. Personally I think it's ridiculous, just because you don't want your kid to read a particular book doesn't mean that nobody can. And this time, the stupid censors have gone for a book I really love, Looking For Alaska by John Green. All because of one oral sex scene which has been taken COMPLETELY out of context. Yeah, if you just look at that bit it is going to look dodgey but you have to read the whole book to understand it! He isn't trying to turn people on! He's trying to make a point!
What I don't get as well, is why this is such a problem in America but there's nothing of it here. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad - it just makes little sense. I've been reading books in school that deal with some pretty difficult issues since year seven. I don't know if this is because of the area I go to school in or what I just don't get the difference.

Go here to have this issue explained in a far more eloquent manner: http://www.sparksflyup.com/weblog.php

I love to read. I would hate it so much if someone were to take away the control of what I do or don't see. Okay, I just had a rant about this to my mum and she looked a little freaked out but I honestly think that it isn't the right of random parents to choose what kids that aren't even their kids read. Looking For Alaska is such an interesting book. I would really recommend it to anyone.

Track: Back Of A Truck - Regina Spektor

Okay, so I suppose given a lot of the things that I write about on this blog I could be seen to be a pessimist. However, this does not mean that I cannot appreciate the more awesome things in life.

One of which would have to be this t-shirt:

I want it so bad. My mum wants me to have it as well because anything relating to insulting Robert Pattinson is good to her.

And to be honest, we need all the awesome we get round here today.

They found a dead guy on the railway early this morning. Like right near where I catch the train. Like actually where I catch the train.
I know it's weird thing to say, but I hope it was his choice.

Track: Brick by Boring Brick - Paramore

So I was going to go into this totally long and detailed account of why I had a crappy week but then I thought, what’s the point?

So instead, I will relate something rather awesome to you.

The Paramore Brand New Eyes deluxe thing I ordered arrived yesterday. Brand New Eyes is an amazing album. I love the structure of it, and how it starts off in a really quite angry manner but ends pretty hopefully.

The kewlest part being that I have it and it ISN'T EVEN OUT YET!

And despite the fact that I’ve never been in a band that got very famous very young and then nearly broke up I feel like I kind of relate to this song:

Turn It Off

I scraped my knees when I was praying
And found a demon in my safest haven, seems like
It's getting harder to believe in anything
You just get lost in all my selfish thoughts

I wanna know what it'd be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light?
Turn it off
In all my spite
In all my spite

I'll turn it off

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're heading for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better of when I hit the bottom

The tragedy is in the ending
I'm watching everyone I looked up to break and bending
We're taking short cuts for solutions
Just to come out the hero

Well I can see behind the curtain
The world's cranking, turning, so wrong the way we're working
Towards a goal, that's not existent
It's not existence, but we just keep believing

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're heading for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better of when I hit the bottom

I wanna know what it'll be like
To find perfection in my pride
To see nothing in the light?
Just turn it off
In all my spite
In all my spite

I'll turn it off
Just turn it off

Again
Again

And the worst part is
Before it gets any better
We're heading for a cliff
And in the free fall I will realize
I'm better of when I hit the bottom

And before I go, I also want to ask a favour of anyone that reads this.

http://www.blogyourwaytoantarctica.com/blogs/view/619

Please go onto the above website and vote for Kristina to go to Antarctica. It takes five minutes to register and vote and then just think, in what could have been a potentially useless five minutes you’ll have helped send someone to Antarctica. She’s second at the moment and voting finishes in five days times. Please help her J

Track: The album Brand New Eyes by Paramore. (www.myspace.com/paramore if you want to hear the whole album).

I did. Omg. She was amazing. Funny. Everything.

She has been through a lot as well, which I didn't know. Racism and stuff. When she was at school she always wanted to be a English teacher, but when it came to getting her reference for university, the careers teacher wouldn't give her a reference because she wouldn't believe that she could pass her English a level (she did) and because she said "People like you don't get to teach." And the thing that happens to Callum in Noughts and Crosses with the history test really happened and Malorie Blackman!

(My face looks stupid. I'm really red and gross from waiting in line for more than an hour.)

She wrote my name! And because I haven't read Double Cross yet (she read from it and I had to have it and it's going to be amazing when I finish what I'm reading now and get to read it.) she actually said "I hope you enjoy it."

Malorie Blackman said she hoped I enjoyed her book!

I can't believe we nearly didn't get there. Seriously. We were running late and then there was traffic and all the junctions were closed. We ended up going a weird way through all these villages and towns and I actually figured out how to read a map through neccesity.

We stayed over night in Bath (that part wasn't so fun because since I've sort of be constantly prepared for something bad to happen for the last three weeks I was really, really paranoid.) and then got to wander around the next day.

We went to the Fashion Museam, which, if you live near Bath and haven't been to yet is really worth a look. Honestly, I'm not that interested in fashion but I found the whole thing fascinating.

I particularly fell in love with this dress. Margot Fonteyne first wore it in the forties.

Adding to the insane busy-ness of the weekend was the fact that there was also a Jane Austin festival going on. There were loads of people dressed up.

And then...

Possibly the cutest kid. Ever.
As soon as I saw him I went "Awwww!" which prompted this really eggy photographer to be like "Yeah yeah, it's a kid, you were one once!"
When I looked surprised he was all "I'm kind of cynical."
Cynical or not how could you not look at that kid and think he's cute?

Later in the day we went to John's event, Charlie Higson. I haven't read any of his books but I might do now because he was such a funny guy. He made his distaste for Twilight obvious, which was pretty funny and then went into the history of horror and zombies and stuff.

John was really thrilled to meet him.

And other than that we did other tourist stuff, like visiting Royal Cresent.

There were other things too that I didn't take photos of. Things like me walking into a tree and eating out in this lush Italian place.
I also noticed how easily you can pick out the rich people there. Especially the guys. Rich boys just have a rich boy look about them, you know? I could go into exactly why this is but then I would probably be accused of stereotyping.

And now I seriously need a shower.

Track: Rainbows In The Dark - Tilly and the Wall

One thing that I decided when I started college was that I was going to try my very best to come across as normal. So far, this doesn’t seem to be working out for me. I keep embarrassing myself.

An example of this would be yesterday, when my friend Ime and a girl I didn’t know were talking in German to each other in the library. They were sitting across the table from where I was working, and I glanced up at them a couple of times. One of the times, I met the eyes of the girl I didn’t know and then – being the paranoid person that I am – I suddenly thought she probably thought that I was getting irritated with their talking (they didn’t stop talking or lower their voices or anything though, so I don’t know why I thought this). So, to make the rude thing I had done but not done better I decided that I would compliment them on their speaking, because the German was really fluent and good. Getting up the courage to do this took me ages though, so it just occurred to me I was probably staring for a while before I said anything. Basically I just said they were both really good at German and the fluency was great etc and then kind of expected them to smile or something and not think I was a horrible eggy person.
What actually happened was that Ime sort of half smiled at me and the girl I didn’t know gave me a funny look. I thought this was pretty weird, since I’d just tried to be nice so I concentrated on my work and didn’t look at them again for the rest of the session.

Today, I walked past the girl I didn’t know and heard her speaking English…

She’s German.

Track: You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds feat Regina Spektor

Right now I am sitting in my room at 1.50 in the afternoon. This is so weird. I should be at school right now. I really can’t get used to college.

Omg something horrible happened to me this morning.
There I was, happily waiting for my train to arrive on the freezing cold platform and then suddenly, out of nowhere my nightmare of a child development teacher, most irritating woman in the world Mrs P materialized. I attempted to hide behind a sign but she was not having any of it. She came over and started speaking to me.
Other than obvious reasons, I’ve been avoiding her lately because I didn’t go on to take the childcare diploma. Teachers are known for getting stressy when you drop their subjects. Especially subjects you get an A* in. She started off with implying that all my A level choices were terrible and I would hate them and went on to tell me which girls in my class failed. And then, when I thought the conversation couldn’t get much weirder she started to express her surprise at one of my friends having actually continued going to school.
Luckily the train arrived at this point and I was able to run away.

The one thing I am really enjoying about college right now is the choice of text in English. We’re studying The History Boys and I absolutely love it. I love the sense of humour and the story is brilliant, if a little weird. By the end of it you kind of end up sympathising with this guy who is pretty much a paedophile. We watched the film in class and the acting was fantastic. I recognised pretty much everyone in it, as well, so it was fun placing everybody. I don’t know whether or not everyone knows this (you probably do) but the cast of the film is also the original cast of the play.

I really can’t get used to lessons ending so early though. My third and fourth lessons today were Applied Science, and when got there it became clear that all we were to do was hand in our coursework then leave. The teacher said that she would register us in the afternoon without us returning to the room that we study in and that we were welcome to go off and work independently.
Because I have a free period last session I figured I might as well go home. This was at about 12. It’s so weird leaving school before lunch break even starts.

So there I was, walking to the bus stop, wondering if I had just sent the elderly couple who had asked me for directions completely the wrong way when I began to really think about how none of my life feels all that real at the moment. It hasn’t since John had his seizure. In that moment, all I could think was “this isn’t happening it’ll all go away in a minute” and I kind of haven’t got out of that mind set yet.

I can imagine the driver of the car I saw crash when I was at the bus stop is probably feeling the same.

Track: When Will The Writer – Danielle Ate The Sandwich

Today was a bit of an ordeal.

We went to see the nuerologist today with John. First of all we had to wait for AGES because the hospital was running late (as always). I got really bored in this time and started mucking around. It earned us all a lot of funny looks from nurses and doctors but I think it cheered up my mum and John.

So after an hour or more or something of waiting they eventually let us in for our appointment. The neurologist and the local adult epilepsey nurse were in there. The whole thing was kind of horrible because we had to explain what happened in detail and despite the fact I am still reliving the whole thing in my head several times a day saying it out loud was kind of hard.
The doctor has decided to change John's medication, which is exactly what he didn't want and now he's upset. They want to put him up from 500 to 700, so he now has to take two different kind of pills. Beyond that she wasn't exactly helpful. Since John's behaviour had been pretty leading up to the seizure, my mum tried to talk about that with the doctor but she didn't seem to be interested, and kinda brushed the whole thing off. The epilepsey nurse gave us her number though, and she seemed a lot nicer so maybe we can phone her.
So then we left the hospital, with the new prescrition. We were trying to comfort John about it but I don't know that we were that sucessful. Last time the pills were changed he had some rather shitty side effects and he hasn't forgotton about it, unfortunately.
We thought the best place to get the meds would be Boots, 'cause that's on the way home but when we got there we realised that my mum had forgotten to pick up John's card thing so we had to go home anyway.
Then we went to Asda, where we discovered that the prescription we have been given may in fact be wrong. John has the slow release pills, and that was not on the prescription we had been given. So yeah. That's one more thing to sort out. My mum had a deadline she doesn't think she's going to meet so she's freaking out. I wish I could help, but I have to go to school.

Other than that today was pretty good. I got a lot done.

God, I'm boring today. (Today. Lol.)

Omg. I am so gutted about Patrick Swayze. My mum didn't realise I didn't know about it when she was talking. I can't believe he's dead. I remember so clearly the first time I saw Dirty Dancing. It's really sad.

It's so weird. Whenever I get any kind of horrible news, even when what happened with John happened I get this really weird feeling that is somewhere between laughing and crying. I suppose everyone does. It's just weird to be really upset and then think I'm going to laugh then I burst into tears. Crying and laughing shouldn't feel similar.

I'm so tired right now. I really want to make my blog more interesting, but I don't really know how. Sometimes funny things happened and I think "I should so blog about that" but then by the time I'm actually at the computer I just don't care anymore.

A college day feels 500 times longer than a school day. I feel as though it shouldn't.

Oh, and it anyone reads this I'm sorry. I'm getting used to a new routine at the moment. I'll fit reading blogs into everything soon, I promise. I would check at school but I went on BCUK once and then they blocked it, which kind of sucks.

Track: Swing Swing - All American Rejects

So far I think that the strangest thing about being at school is not being able to blog as regularly. I think that other than when I was in Yorkshire I blogged every single day through the summer. Now, when I get home from college I'm usually too tired. Plus, I've been re-evaluating some blog realated things in my head. Something that was said in a comment the other day really made me think about how I'm coming across, and how I behave on here.

School got a lot better towards the end of the week. I can't remember whether I said this or not but at the beginning of last week I was finding all my lessons boring and the atmosphere irritating and myself really not wanting to be there. I thought maybe I'd made the wrong decision, staying with my friends. The end of the week has maybe changed my mind.
Pyschology has become very interesting. We are looking at memory and how information is processed in the mind. We learnt about this man called Clive Wearing, who sadly had this really bad disease that like ate his memory. He suffered with both antrograde and retrograde amnesia, which means that as well as not being able to remember anything about his past, he can't remember the present for more than a few seconds. Seeing the video about him was really quite distressing, and as much as I felt sorry for him I mostly felt awful for his wife. Clive kept a diary, and most of the entries were him saying things like "This is my first moment of conciousness" but he would occasionally have written "I LOVE DEBORAH!" (his wife) but would obviously not remember that he wrote it. Whenever she came into see him he would always leap up and give her a massive hug and a kiss. He couldn't remember who she was, and whenever she saw him he would say how he was just meeting her and she was the first person ever to see him, but he could somehow remember that he was in love with her.
We also discussed the way that people with Asperger's and other ASD don't hear their thoughts, in the way that most people do but they actually see them, in picture form. I didn't know this, and I find it a little hard to relate to John.

Actual learning stuff aside Friday was really helpful to me because I finally just told Rose what happened. I was upset about the incident in Sainsbury's and she knew something was wrong with me the moment she saw me so in the end (a few hours later, when we finally weren't with a group) I told her about the seizure and how I'd felt and how John felt and what happened on Thursday and she was SO lovely and helpful to me that I just feel stupid for having kept it to myself. She actually reacted to the news and then did the most amazing thing ever which was her simply asking me "what happened?". I know it's weird, but that's what I've been wanting from Kailee all this time. I told her that he'd been ill but she never let me explain the how/when/why/what of it. I probably shouldn't have but I told Rose about my frustrations with Kailee as well. I also told Rose that I definitely can't go to Bristol with everyone later in the month either, since I hate being away from my family right now. Did I mention Bristol? I don't think I mentioned Bristol.
Basically, Rose's parents own a house in Bristol that they were renting out but are now selling. The house is free for a few weeks so Rose has invited a load of people up there for a weekend to get pissed and be idiots. I really can't justify that to myself. I didn't even want to go to Exeter this weekend because it's too far away.

And now for Kailee. I feel guilty about the way I've been talking about her for the last couple of weeks because suddenly today she decided to be helpful. I got impatient with her on Friday. Not to the extent where I was mean or anything just I honestly didn't feel like I could handle hearing anything else about Facebook Boyfriend and their mundane text messaging. I don't feel so much like it now, but I thinking mean things I honestly felt like I couldn't care less. I'm going to go back to being a good friend on Monday, really.

Hugh came over on Friday night. It wasn't so bad. I stuck around so he didn't have to oppertunity to say anything to my mum but I didn't look at him the whole time. I couldn't, his face is stupid and it makes me angry. My mum still seems okay and pretty sure of herself though. I'm so proud of her right now it's unreal.

And now for this weekend. Well, so far I haven't done any of the work I was planning to. I have so much I should be doing but the week is so much hard work I'm having difficulty kicking myself back into homework mode.
Yesterday was good. Me, mum and John went to Dartmoor to this beautiful village to have coffee and walk around. The coffee place we went to is called Cafe On The Green and I have loved it for years for it's good food and lovely shop but sadly the shop is now gone. Damn credit crunch.
The weather was great so after we had coffee we walked around with Barney for a while. We went to these amazing old houses and found a B&B I would love to stay in if it wasn't an hour away from where I actually live. We talked about holidays next year and general travelling. John was a bit quiet which was obviously making us worry but he seemed to perk up later in the day.
When we got home I ended up writing a song. A really, embarrassing, terrible song. It was so fun though. It's about All The Small Things, from Esta's point of view. It's sounds awful and the lyrics are bad but I had a lot of fun writing it but I think I have sprained my arms from paying guitar non-stop for 3 hours.

Today has been pretty relaxed too. I decided to catch up on all my Youtube subscriptions which took forever (I don't even care. I love Youtube. There we have it) and look at postsecret and stuff.
I've been on the internet for hours now. I vowed that I would start work at three o clock but I don't think it's going to happen. I have a lot of free periods in the week when I'm on my own though, so I should get a lot done then.
Actually I just remembered I have way more to do that I was thinking I did. Crap. When's everything due in? Who knows.

Bath Children's Literature Festival on Friday. Malorie Blackman. Charlie Higson (still making my way through his first book. John loves him though). Can't wait. Going to be awesome. Love Bath. Yay.

Farewell. Who knows when I'll be here again (2 days, most likely).

Track: Mouthwash - Kate Nash

PS: Lol, I just remembered something weird that happened to me this week. When I was sitting waiting for my mum to pick me up from the train station this random lady came up to me and said,
"Excuse me, have you ever been to St Ives?"
When I said no, sorry, she was all "Oh. Don't worry. I was just wondering if it would be a nice place to go on holiday.." and then walked off.

PPS: I've been reading this blog all afternoon: http://italktosnakes.blogspot.com/
The girl, Kristina went all the way from America to England to study and live with her boyfriend only for him to dump her on like the second night. She was left in a strange country, alone, heart broken and generally not knowing what the hell to do next.

John just scared the shit out of me.

I got a return ticket today (a single is £3.30 and a return £3.40. It's cheaper to get a return but it just means I have to stand around for ages and do annoying things like go to Sainbury's) so I was with mum and John when they went into Sainbury's which usually, I wouldn't have been.
We were nearly all the way around and everything had been fine but John suddenly said that he felt sick. He went really blank and white except his temples, which were flushed. My mum walked him over to the loos (lots of people stared but no one asked if everything was okay) except he wasn't walking properly and he was weird and that kind of scary. We stayed in the loos for a little while but then he said that he felt better. We went and paid for the shopping, and he stayed quite pale and blank but once we got back into the car he perked up again.
We just took him to the doctor though, to be on the safe side and she said that he's okay and that his ear is still fine and everything. She also told him that he wasn't likely to have a seizure, which I think has made him feel a little better.
He's really anxious though.

I think it's awful, and I really hate myself for it but whenever something do to with seizures happens my only instinct is to run the hell away.

We're going to see a nuerologist on Tuesday.

I so nearly lost it in Sainsbury's. I'm glad that I didn't, it would have been awful for John. Me crying would not have helped the situation since my mum was already freaking.
I was unhelpful. I only unfroze when we were practically within sight of the surgery.
It's so hard to keep calm.
It's impossible.

Fact: I never read the safety information on trains because that is an eventuality I don't like to think about.

Observation: Fat guys look funny sleeping.

Track: 21 Guns - Green Day

I've met all of my new teachers now. I think that I am going to get along with most of them well.
One of them in particular had quite a big effect on me. He's our other psychology teacher and he's really funny. He just made some interesting points about society and how we all conform to certain things. It just made me think about stuff. Like, I got the train to school today and a lot of people do that kind of commute every day but none of the people on the train spoke to each other. Lots of these people probably see each other every day (small stations) but never say anything. I know there are a lot of people I see around a lot, one guy in particular who I've often thought it would be interesting to just introduce myself to since I see them so often. I see him literally everywhere and I don't even know who he is. I think he might even live in the same village as me.
I would love to be able to just be like "Hey. I see you a lot" but I wouldn't be able to follow it up with any kind of conversation. I think that's what I like about being drunk. For me inhibitions about just talking to people tend to go away. Granted, nothing I say makes any sense whatsoever but at least I talk.

Heh. I was just about to go on a rant about some of my friends. I've only told a couple of people but no one really cares about what happened with John. I should probably tell Rose because she would most likely let me talk but I'm too scared. When people don't care it makes me more upset. So yeah, I was losing faith in my friends a lot but Kailee just asked me how he was. That's the first time anyone has done that.

I suppose that this is just another way that I conform. I have been pretty angry at most of the people that I know for a good week or so now but have said absolutely nothing. I think I would have had every right to tell them I thought they were being unsupportive and selfish. One person in particular, actually. Why didn't I? Because that's not what you do. Or at least, not if you're like me. You just moan to other people instead of making changes.

Track: Braille - Regina Spektor

I've found a really good song to play to help me practise bar chords. I was watching Juno this morning and I obviously wanted to be able to play all of the songs in it instantly so I thought I would look up a couple. I'm going to try and learn Tire Swing. It's pretty funny at the moment since the chord changes take me forever.

Juno is such a good film. I think I'm going to watch it tonight with my mum but I'm really not sure how she'll react. Right now, I think that she will probably hate it but you never know. She's mostly interested because of the way Diablo Cody was found through her blog. I didn't tell her the blog was about stripping, but whatever.

I really don't think the trailer does it justice.

I am so bored. I've done two lots of homework but I can't really concentrate. I was talking to Kailee for a while but she's gone because I was stopping her getting on with stuff.

Last night Hugh said to my mum that it was my fault that he and I got on so badly. Except of course he referred to me as "your kid". It's pissed her off. Right now, everything he does pisses her off.

It's kind of exciting, actually. Last night she actually started to agree with me on things and kind of see stuff that everybody else has been able to see for years. Pretty damn kewl, if you ask me.

Anyway. My hands hurt. I'm going to reserve my strength for those bar chords.

Track: Tire Swing - Kimya Dawson

College is weird. Weird in a good way though, I think. I've spoken to quite a few people in the last few days. I'm pretty happy at being able to hang out easily with certain people because I was worried I would lose them as friends this year. One guy in particular who I only ever really talked to in English lessons I thought I wouldn't get the spend time with anymore but we hung out with a few other people during free periods yesterday. I have nothing to do for the majority of Thursday, it's awesome.
In other college type news I think I am going to move forms. There's no one in there that I know apart from one girl who I get a strong feeling doesn't like me and is moving out of our form anyway. I would stay longer and try to talk to people but everyone else has friends already and aren't interested in talking to me. I think I'm going to move into Rose's form because we have no lessons together and it will give us more of an oppertunity to talk. I should have gone to see the man in charge of it today really but I'm kind of scared. I know that he is nice and everything but I'm worried Rose's form tutor won't want me. I'm worried Rose's form won't want me, which is stupid because most of them won't even have anything to do with me.
I met my two English teachers today and they're both really great. I can't believe I'm actually in the class of the good teacher that everyone wants. I haven't been lucky like that since year 8. This year, I think, we're going to be looking at The History Boys and Kiterunner. I have no idea what either are about but I hope I will enjoy them.
I'm scared I'm going to be chucked out of Psychology. The teacher (Rose's dad. Yes, it is weird.) doesn't seem happy with the amount of students in the class (loads) and wants to get rid of people that aren't that committed/ good at it early on. Given my C in maths I'm kind of worried I'll be one of the first to go.
Sociology is my favourite so far. The class is really laid back and the teacher is lovely. I can't bring myself to call her her first name (IT'S WEIRD. They're TEACHERS) but maybe that'll come in time. Seriously though, it's a really interesting class. We've been looking at gender roles and other questions to do with society and I've found myself actually contributing to the discussion. It might sound stupid, but that's actually a really big step for me. I've also spoken to the girl that sits next to me a lot. She came from a different college and is so pretty I take a self esteem hit just looking at her but seems to be a very nice person. Very open as well. That's probably the first time I've had that in depth a conversation about sex with someone I've only known for half an hour. It started off with gender roles and went on from there. What can I say.. apart from, weird.
The ony thing that I hate about Sociology is the room. It's perfectly nice apart from the lights in the ceiling which are some how full of dead flies. It's gross.

I went to see my gran last night in the hospital. I don't think that she's going to go back to normal. She's been off all the weird drugs for ages now and she's still just as confused and paranoid as before. She told us the same story she told a few weeks ago but with different details. It's been investigated and none of the claims are true. She seemed to have forgotten she'd told us the first version already. Then she told us how nothing worked in the hospital and nurses were horrible and various other stories. The thing is everyone is totally calm because they know that nothing she is describing has actually happened but I don't think that necessarily makes any difference. Surely the important thing is that she thinks and feels as though it has happened so people should be helping her to deal with the emotions that come with that.
She also thinks that she's going home soon. She says it's the only thing that's keeping her going. I understand the need to keep her hoping and fighting but from what my dad said the other day she's not going to a home with a small h for a while.
She scared us too, while we were there. It kind of makes us all laugh now even though it really shouldn't. Just before we left she went into a panic and said that she didn't have her angina spray. She said that she'd asked for it but the nurses hadn't given it to her and that if someone didn't give it to her soon we'd all have a dead body on our hands in the morning. Then she told my mum that she had to go and get the prescription from Boots. It was about half 8 by then and the only pharmacy near was really small so we didn't think that it would still be open. Plus, would they really give us her prescription? So we pretended to leave then my mum sneaked back in the ask on of the nurses if they could please get it for her. The nurse said, yes they would then we all went back in the my gran's ward. Then there was this weird conversation were it came to light that my gran did in fact have some angina spray hidden in her bag which she got out and whispered to us that we weren't to tell them she had. She said that they would take it away if they knew. Just after this a nurse came in and gave her some more spray and said to my mum, "It's funny, I could have sworn she already had some."
I just have this image in my head of them opening her bag and it being full of these sprays.
My granny is a potential drug dealer.

It was even more depressing after that driving home and seeing all the Muse concert signs. I'm not going because I'm stupid and I got scared. You know the worst thing? The friend that said she wasn't going changed her mind. It sucks. It's okay though, because it's sort of made me realise that I have to stop letting stuff pass me by. Which is why I WILL go and see the teacher and change forms on Monday because I go not want to spend two years dreading tutorial and registration.

Hugh is coming round this weekend. He put together a load of stationary stuff for me to make my mum feel guilty. I know he's not genuinely doing a nice thing because he has said various times to my mother and to me that he didn't want anything to do with me and John. To start off with I wasn't going to accept it but actually I need loads of stuff for school and I can't afford it because my EMA doesn't start for a few weeks. Then, I decided that I would make myself feel like I was taking some kind of stand by not seeing him when he came round. I know my mum would say that I was out or something to Not Cause A Problem but at least I would have taken some kind of stand.
Not anymore though. I thought about it, and I've talked to my mum. She's not ready to see him yet. She's getting angry at him because he keeps phoning all hours (12.15am this morning. I'm not even kidding.) and saying stuff to make her feel bad. She doesn't even want to talk to him. She told me a few days ago that she preferred it when he was in Switzerland.
So I have to see him. If I follow them around then hopefully he won't say any of the crap I'm sure he's planning to.
My mum told me I have to be nice. The prospect makes me want to tear my hair out but I need to. She's so stressed at the moment it wouldn't be fair to make everything worse for her. Which is why everytime he phones I get a little more pissed off. And, that pissed off-ness has nowhere to go. Maybe I'll be the first person to actually explode from stress. That sounds so stupid. I know most people have more stress than me. I guess I'm just kind of angry with the world at the moment.

One week today. At 10 it'll be about 188 hours. I still don't feel better.

Lol. This was such a long post. That's what you get when I don't blog for a couple of days. I think I over the summer I have started relying way too much on this website.

Track: We Get On - Kate Nash (Because I realised yesterday that despite not seeing him for a summer and trying very hard to think otherwise I like a guy who's an asshole and this song is the story of what happens WHENEVER I'm crushing on someone.Well sort of. I keep the being miserable aspect of it to myself. Actually, most of the time I keep the whole thing to myself.)

I just thought I'd write a quick blog to say that my first day of college went okay. We didn't really do much lesson-wise. Mostly we just stayed with our forms and worked out the way around. I don't have the form tutor that I thought I was going to because he had a heart attack in the summer. I'm sad about it, and I'm worried about him. He taught me physics last year and was kind of a crap teacher but other than that was a nice guy. He was always nice to me, anyway.
Tomorrow will be scarier because the year thirteens come back to school. We have to share our forms with them so tomorrow I think I am going to walk into a room full of scary people that I don't know.

I've just been watching Life On Mars with mum and John. I love that series so much. We got it on DVD last year because my mum loved it and I didn't see it when it was on television. I like Ashes To Ashes to but it's not the same. One thing I will say about Ashes To Ashes is that the second series was a hell of a lot better.

I told a couple of people about what happened with John. It's weird, but nobody seems to want to hear it really. I mean, I've said it and then I get a hug but it's not something people want to actually hear about. Whenever my mum sees someone that she knows she tells them what happened and how she felt about it but it seemed as though people definately didn't want to hear that from me.

Ah well. I have blog. It's funny, when I was in the hospital I was thinking about nice stuff people on here would say. I wonder if that's nice or pathetic..

I know how weird Life On Mars looks from this but honestly it's so good. I tried to find a different clip but it doesn't seem to be on the internet. You see a little bit of it on the video, it's the bit with the giant meat fridge. I think that's my favourite scene from both series.

I don't know how I'm feeling about everything today. If you asked, I could tell you at 10 it will be about 120 hours since. I think that's probably normal though. Although, I must say I liked normal a hell of a lot more before Friday night.

Track: Life On Mars? - David Bowie

I have to go to school today. I mean college. I don't know how long for or why. I don't want to go. I'm really scared that something is going to happen while I'm gone.

Hugh phoned this morning and told my mum he had collected some stationary for me. I don't want his stupid fucking manipulative pencils. He never bothered with me for twelve years so I don't know who he thinks he's fooling now. I don't understand why he had to use me to try and get my mum. He's made my mum mad at me now. Because I'm going to be difficult. But I can't not be. I don't want his stupid pencils or whatever shit he brought me back from Switzerland. Why am I crying about this? I don't know why I'm crying. I don't know. I'm just being a drama queen.

Okay. The crying stopped. Lol. Drama queen. Admitting it is the first step, you know.

I saw my step aunt type person yesterday. She lives in Newzealand (or however you spell it. I think I've said before that I am shit at Geography) I haven't seen her since I was eleven. I really like her. Her kids are really insane, it's funny. Her little boy, Xavier took a shine to John. It was funny. John and young children always makes me laugh. Xavier started to follow him around everywhere.
Sophie, my step-aunt is sick at the moment too. She's better than she was but she has an illness I can't spell. Ulcerative Colitus. Or something. She has to take drugs that supress her immune system to help it be controlled. I don't understand any of it, really.

I don't get why everyone's health has suddenly gone crap. It isn't sudden though, it just seems that way.

My gran thought someone was trying to plant a bomb in the hospital earlier in the week. I think that is indicative of how that's going to go.

I think I preferred it when our problems where with relationships.

Hugh? What am I whining about? Bring it on.

Lol.

I am actually lolling. So there you go.

I can't believe I have to see people feeling like this. This is so bad. I have no hope of being normal. When I'm like this I usually skip school. Ah well.

Track: Little Red - Kate Nash