Archive - Angst? Me? Never.

Bit of a funny day, really.

I was woken up by Hugh phoning which automatically put me in a bad mood.

Me and my mum had a bit of an argument over it last night. We don't argue. Ever. She said that I was being unfair and unsensitive and stuff.

I sat and thought about it after she'd gone off to write e mails and I guess she's right. I am being a bitch (she didn't call me that). I am also aware I was pretty terrible to live with while we were on holiday as well. I couldn't help it.
I'm not the eggy teenager type. Well, I don't think I am. Like, the whole you speak to them and they grunt back stereotype. I'm not normally like that. I usually have something to say. But, the fact was that pretty much everything I said got ignored (as happens a lot when Hugh is around) so I stopped bothering sharing whatever I was thinking. (Or maybe it doesn't and I just demand too much attention. Who knows?)

Last night though, I think I was jusitfied. By which I mean I know I wasn't. She came downstairs crying and I had a go at her.

Well, it wasn't exactly at her. It was at him. But she "doesn't want to hear me being mean about him because she feels bad enough for him as it is."
That's what makes me feel mad. Like, she's more than welcome (by which I mean she isn't. She should be jumping for joy, in my opinion) to feel sorry for him but I don't see why I should.
She goes on about wanting to be friends. I said I thought it was a stupid idea (it is) and that I was having nothing further to do with him.

Aren't I supportive after a break up. I suck. I feel horrible. I can't help being horrible. It's like, I open my mouth to say something nice and something horrible comes out. (that's why I'm avoiding my friends. Been back 3 days and I haven't spoken or texted back to anybody. I don't want them to see this side of me. They don't know me well enough. And they probably wouldn't care anyway.)

So.. yeah. After she'd gone off last night I was thinking about stuff and I got frustrated and miserable and I started crying. There's this weird thing, like, sometimes when I feel crappy like I do at the moment crying gives me the ability to actually think straight. So while I was crying and thinking straight I realised something. Whenever people tell me to tell my mum to stop talking to me about stuff (I even have a couple of friends outside of here who say stuff sometimes) there's always this part of me that is saying that I don't want to.
I realised why. If there isn't someone (my mum) talking to me about their stuff (even if they ultimately ignore my advice, go and talk to someone else who says exactly the same thing then talk about how great they are for what they said for hours) then what am I good for? What do I do?

Nothing.

That made me cry a lot more.

So I sat there for a while, doing the crying thing and trying to think of a song I could listen to to say how I was feeling and realising there wasn't one. Then I went and fed my guinea pig. I sat outside on the freezer for a while until I'd calmed down. Then I could be very calm. That's the other thing I do after crying. I feel really, really strange (as everyone does, I know) and shakey and whatnot and then I can immediately come across as really happy and okay (or a nutter. I am hoping it's happy though) so when I was like that I went and said sorry for being eggy and she said that was okay.

Then I ruined it again this morning.

Last night, I had the proper clarity of mind thing. I was going to be an anglerfish. But it isn't that easy being an anglerfish. Like, would being an anglerfish mean that I had to be okay with Hugh and my dad and all the various other things that piss me off but I never actually talk about with the pisser offers?
I don't think I could do that. I know I couldn't. So I am a failing anglerfish. I even failed at the only anglerfishian thing I vowed to do less than twelve hours after I vowed to do it.

I have to go and see family tomorrow. My mum's friend is coming to do this recording thing. I was so determined that this guy would not be involved in my life but I've now had more than one semi-major melt down in front of him,(once when my tutor told me no universities would want me because I'm crap at maths and another time because he came around just after I had had to seriuosly stop myself from throwing my father out of a window) met his ex wife, baby sat his kids...

I'm such a failure.

Today is one of those days where I have every single mean thing that's ever been said to me in my head and that I know that every single statement is totally right. Even the tiny but scary blonde girl swimming pool incident. Totally right.

I quite often read the blogs of other girls on here who are the same kind of age as me and think "God this person is annoying. I hope I don't come across this way" (See? I'm really horrible. I can't help it) but I come across exactly that way.

If I didn't moan what would I even write about?

This man has been entertaining me today.