I've been listening to a lot of Kate Nash in the last couple of days. I always start listening to her this kind of time. She's kind of summer-ey. I heard Foundations for the first time when we had left for our holiday without Hugh. That year was so amazing. We left at like 5 in the morning so he couldn't come round and stop us. My mum was really scared that he would show up and we wouldn't know what to do so we decided to beat him to it and leave. It was the year when there was all the flooding as well, so people had left their cars on the M5 and walked to the nearest travel lodge. We didn't know this though, everything had got so horrible leading up to leaving that we hadn't listened to the news.
It wasn't stressful being stuck in the traffic though, it was fun. I still have loads of stupid little films we made. I'd just got my camera. It was the first digital camera that I had had, my nan gave it to me because her son gave it to her and he's an arsehole so she didn't want it anymore, because it reminded her of him (from what I hear, he really isn't a very nice guy). So.. yeah, we were making films and stuff. I still have all of them.
It makes me sad now though. It was so amazing then, to think that we had escaped. The whole horrible pressure of it was lifted and he was gone and it was like we were free.

Everything ends though. I was stupid enough to really believe in it so couldn't deal with it when he showed up mid-week and ruined everything. He started crying and saying he needed my mum so my mum took him back. She didn't let him stay though, because of me. I didn't go down or see him the whole time he was there. I fell apart a bit. We had spent the last few days talking about how amazing it was having him gone and then she let him back in just like that. It still hurts a lot. It's happened more than once though. They break up, we run away somewhere for a bit (we went to Cornwall once. It was a good day) and then we get back or he shows up and mum lets him straight back in again.

I don't want to go on this holiday. I really, really don't want to go. I want someone to take me somewhere else. I don't want to go. I hate the place and I hate the atmosphere and it's horrible and oppressive and claustrphobic and I don't want to go. It makes me so panick-ey just thinking about it.
I always hate it when we first get there. The hills come up on either side of me and I realise that I'm stuck there in that horrible place I hate in a horrible situation and there's no escaping it. I don't even like the house that we stay in. I'm left out all the time when we go because I don't want to be included in the doing everything Hugh says so he doesn't get angry. Me and Hugh can't be happy at the same time. Never have been able to. I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go.

Sad thing is, there isn't anywhere else I can go. My mum wouldn't leave me here on my own and I think it would probably make her cry if I asked her if I could stay here. I might though. I might because part of me is really pissed off at her for making me be a part of this again.

I'll just have to manage. The worst thing is I don't even have blog. I have no one to talk to about any of it. I can't even talk to anyone about before I go because none of my freinds listen to me. After my post the other day, I wanted to talk to someone but all they could talk was prom prom prom. Even after prom no one wanted to listen. But that's okay, I have you guys. I know this blog must get SO boring so I am very, very grateful for the people that read it. (it'll be kind of funny if no one reads this now)

Race for Life went okay, as well. I couldn't run the whole thing but I ran at least 3 our of 5 kilometres. I got a medal. I didn't know they gave us anything. I wasn't expecting anything. Made me happy though.

Now I'm going to go and listen to Kate Nash's nutty stories.

I can't wait until I have somewhere else I can go instead.

Track: Foundations - Kate Nash