Angst? Me? Never.

I’m really enjoying the guitar practise that our teacher gave us. I like just sitting and messing around with the chords, although my fingers are really hurting and C is a bitch.
I think I might have found a way of making it easier for John as well. It has become very clear that for now, the only way he is going to be able to practise and learn is if I sit there with him and go through it all each time. I don’t mind this – I have nothing to do any way since I am apparently not speaking to any of my friends. But it was getting kinda frustrating for him. He doesn’t particularly like accepting help from me so today I drew these diagram things. They are basically the same as what you have in a chord book but horizontal because unless it looks almost exactly the same as the guitar then he can’t relate them to one another. I think we’re just going to have to forget tabs for now.
Going through it all with him in the last couple of days has been difficult. He goes to his work experience on Thursday and Friday and since he still hasn’t got over the late night he had on Wednesday (we didn’t get back from my gran’s until about half twelve) he’s really tired. I expect he’ll catch up this weekend. Dad isn’t coming round so he can just sit and relax (incidentally, so can I. One awkward conversation I can avoid. Yay.) So when he’s slightly more awake and in a better mood I think I’ll see whether or not the drawings make any difference.
The main difficulty with them seemed to be knowing which was the thick string and which was the thin one, so I’ve marked that in red pen. I really hope it helps.

My mum entered this stupid St Trinian’s competition today. On Facebook there was this message about a competition where if you win you can be an extra. Because David Tennant is going to be in it my mum wants to take part, lol. So we went to town and got some clothes for her (pink tracksuit. Lol) so she could dress up as Miss Fritton (the hockey bit. We watched the film the other night) and then took the photo. I hope she wins. It would be nice for her. I don’t think that David Tennant will be there on the day that she is, because surely having 10 nutty David Tennant fans on set would just be a distraction?

I hope my enjoying the guitar stuff lasts. Knowing me it probably won’t but I still hope I carrying on liking doing it. I think with piano the main thing was that I couldn’t read music properly so I had to watch someone play the piece like a million times then memorize that instead. My mum says that this isn’t actually my fault though, apparently the way that I was taught was really weird.

I like music stuff. All the people on Youtube that are so talented with it make me want to play.

People like this girl:

(I know it’s a ukulele. I just really like the song. I like most of her songs. The lyrics are pretty and such.)

Biscuits biscuits biscuits. Weight weight weight. Cereal cereal cereal. Weight weight weight. Actual meal. Stomach pains. God knows.

Breakaways will end me. They are so good. They are the ultimate biscuit. The chocolate on them is so good. I wish Breakaways were bigger. Eating one big one instead of loads of small ones would make me feel much less greedy.

My gran and I had a totally unexpected bonding session yesterday. I'm usually really useless around family because I can't talk to people. Plus we have nothing in common and I have to be really careful how I talk when I'm around her. My language has got a little.. well, my mum isn't happy with it basically lately and I really can't express as much around my gran because she gets offended really easily.
Which is why the bonding session was such a suprise.

We share a mutual hate of Hugh. Really. We were bitching for ages, it was so much fun. It felt really good to sit down and have a conversation and say what I wanted without being told off for it. She agreed with me on everything. Like, my mum is always saying that how Hugh is isn't his fault, and that he doesn't understand stuff when he totally does. He's just being manipulative. Whenever I say that here my mum gets pissed off with me but my gran was like "I know! Why can't she see it?"

Ah. So awesome.

My cousin also seemed to like me. To start off with she saw me and started crying which was slightly awkward. By the end of the day she had gone nuts though. 2 year olds can run for a really long time.
It was actually quite strange, seeing her being a small person in that house. I have so many memories of being little there. John and me messing about. Yeah. It was weird.
It is quite weird for me seeing my uncle with Cate as well. Me and my uncle were actually pretty close at one point. I used to think he was so awesome and I loved him to peices. The way he acts with Cate kind of reminds me of how he used to act with me when I was a kid. It makes me kind of sad since I can't even speak to him now. I sort of get the feeling he doesn't like me very much. Ah well.
Me and Gill had our usual book talk and she's lent me a Neil Gaiman book, so I'm happy .

Yeah. Yesterday was a lot better than I thought it was going to be.

I felt kind of sorry for my mum's friend though. He did my usual part. Looking terrified. It's a shame really, that he makes me feel so like... threatened, I guess. Because he's actually really nice. For now anyway. I don't think it'll last. But yeah. Right now, he's nice and funny and stuff.

I don't feel so good today. I sort of tried to explain some stuff to my mother and it didn't go well. She got mad. As she usually does. So then I had to say sorry. Saying sorry when you've made someone annoyed kind of scares me. I mean, you never know if it's something they want you to say sorry for or if bringing it up again will make them more annoyed and want to talk about it which is the last thing I want to do.

Eh. I don't know.

I'm going to watch Ugly Betty because I missed it yesterday I love it for it's blatant ridiculousness.

Track: Nerdfighterlike - Lauren Fairweather

Bit of a funny day, really.

I was woken up by Hugh phoning which automatically put me in a bad mood.

Me and my mum had a bit of an argument over it last night. We don't argue. Ever. She said that I was being unfair and unsensitive and stuff.

I sat and thought about it after she'd gone off to write e mails and I guess she's right. I am being a bitch (she didn't call me that). I am also aware I was pretty terrible to live with while we were on holiday as well. I couldn't help it.
I'm not the eggy teenager type. Well, I don't think I am. Like, the whole you speak to them and they grunt back stereotype. I'm not normally like that. I usually have something to say. But, the fact was that pretty much everything I said got ignored (as happens a lot when Hugh is around) so I stopped bothering sharing whatever I was thinking. (Or maybe it doesn't and I just demand too much attention. Who knows?)

Last night though, I think I was jusitfied. By which I mean I know I wasn't. She came downstairs crying and I had a go at her.

Well, it wasn't exactly at her. It was at him. But she "doesn't want to hear me being mean about him because she feels bad enough for him as it is."
That's what makes me feel mad. Like, she's more than welcome (by which I mean she isn't. She should be jumping for joy, in my opinion) to feel sorry for him but I don't see why I should.
She goes on about wanting to be friends. I said I thought it was a stupid idea (it is) and that I was having nothing further to do with him.

Aren't I supportive after a break up. I suck. I feel horrible. I can't help being horrible. It's like, I open my mouth to say something nice and something horrible comes out. (that's why I'm avoiding my friends. Been back 3 days and I haven't spoken or texted back to anybody. I don't want them to see this side of me. They don't know me well enough. And they probably wouldn't care anyway.)

So.. yeah. After she'd gone off last night I was thinking about stuff and I got frustrated and miserable and I started crying. There's this weird thing, like, sometimes when I feel crappy like I do at the moment crying gives me the ability to actually think straight. So while I was crying and thinking straight I realised something. Whenever people tell me to tell my mum to stop talking to me about stuff (I even have a couple of friends outside of here who say stuff sometimes) there's always this part of me that is saying that I don't want to.
I realised why. If there isn't someone (my mum) talking to me about their stuff (even if they ultimately ignore my advice, go and talk to someone else who says exactly the same thing then talk about how great they are for what they said for hours) then what am I good for? What do I do?

Nothing.

That made me cry a lot more.

So I sat there for a while, doing the crying thing and trying to think of a song I could listen to to say how I was feeling and realising there wasn't one. Then I went and fed my guinea pig. I sat outside on the freezer for a while until I'd calmed down. Then I could be very calm. That's the other thing I do after crying. I feel really, really strange (as everyone does, I know) and shakey and whatnot and then I can immediately come across as really happy and okay (or a nutter. I am hoping it's happy though) so when I was like that I went and said sorry for being eggy and she said that was okay.

Then I ruined it again this morning.

Last night, I had the proper clarity of mind thing. I was going to be an anglerfish. But it isn't that easy being an anglerfish. Like, would being an anglerfish mean that I had to be okay with Hugh and my dad and all the various other things that piss me off but I never actually talk about with the pisser offers?
I don't think I could do that. I know I couldn't. So I am a failing anglerfish. I even failed at the only anglerfishian thing I vowed to do less than twelve hours after I vowed to do it.

I have to go and see family tomorrow. My mum's friend is coming to do this recording thing. I was so determined that this guy would not be involved in my life but I've now had more than one semi-major melt down in front of him,(once when my tutor told me no universities would want me because I'm crap at maths and another time because he came around just after I had had to seriuosly stop myself from throwing my father out of a window) met his ex wife, baby sat his kids...

I'm such a failure.

Today is one of those days where I have every single mean thing that's ever been said to me in my head and that I know that every single statement is totally right. Even the tiny but scary blonde girl swimming pool incident. Totally right.

I quite often read the blogs of other girls on here who are the same kind of age as me and think "God this person is annoying. I hope I don't come across this way" (See? I'm really horrible. I can't help it) but I come across exactly that way.

If I didn't moan what would I even write about?

This man has been entertaining me today.

I have been online for such a long time.

Track: Anything by Be Your Own Pet

Track: Song About An Anglerfish - Hank Green

Track: Unfold - Marie Digby

Track: Girlfriend - Marie Digby

Track: Pork And Beans - Weezer

I really need a shower.

I should really get a social life. Shame I can't be bothered to talk to anyone

I have my first guitar lesson today. I'm really nervous. Me and John are having a lesson at the same time though, so that should make things a little bit easier. Not that John will help my particularly conversation wise. No, I'll have to do that all by myself.

I think that this lesson will probably be the only one that I have for a while. Things are getting very uncertain financially again. The other thing that happened while we were away was that John's college phoned up and said that he didn't get on to his level 3 course. This sort of throws us out a lot. The whole situation is ridiculous.
For the last 2 years, John has been on this pathways course. It is specifically for young people with special needs and the purpose of the course was the find every student a work placement and to provide them with some independant living skills. The course itself has been amazing, so I can't complain about that. He has changed a lot since he has been on it. Like, it used to be hard getting him to wash and stuff, but now he'll take a shower with no one saying anything to him.
It's just... now. John has also has this organisation called Pluss working with him in the last year finding him work placements. Because they were told that he would be continuing at college by John's tutor, they didn't find him anything payed and permanant.
So, as far as we knew, John would be starting a level 3 course in September (level 3 is equal to A levels) which meant that we were allowed to keep our tax credit and therefore stopped the whole Oh God What Is Going To Happen thing. When all this was being sorted out John's tutor never said anything. He never said that he thought the course would be too difficult, he said it would be fine and was incredibley supportive.
Then John has his interview. At the interview they pretty much told him he has a place and to go to this taster day. When he got home from the taster day he was told that day had in fact been an audition. We didn't know this. We hadn't been told anything about this.
So, on the last day of his course me and my mum went to see his tutor to ask whether or not we could find out if John had got on the course because whether or not he did obviously effected us a lot financially. At this point, John's tutor started saying that he didn't think the course was a good idea and didn't think John was capable. Right. Great. THEN he told us that the government have removed mature student funding (John's 19. He was held back a year in primary school) and that it was the colleges job to pay for courses and so we might have to pay for John. It's a lot of money. Then we went to see the drama course people (who didn't seem to know anything. The whole meeting was really weird) and they said they thought that he would get on.
He didn't. He's going to do a level 2 course instead. That is about equal to GCSEs and he has already done those so I don't see the point but he has his heart set on doing drama. At the moment, we're not completely sure what this means for tax credit. From the letter me and my mum read about a million times it seems as though he would qualify for tax credit still (god knows what we're going to do if he doesn't). So now we have to pay for him to do and course and because it's a level 3 he doesn't qualify for ALG or anything.
He'll have to use his disability stuff.

I just think that the communication in that place is so crap. Why didn't his tutor tell us that he thought a level 3 would be too much months ago? This whole thing has been in motion for such a long time. It's ridiculous. He has 7 students to look after. 7. Is that so hard? No. No it isn't.

And on a very shallow note. GOD MY NAILS. I totally decimated them on Saturday night. I stopped biting my nails like 2 years ago.
Right on a day when someone is actually going to be paying attention to my hands as well. This sucks. It took me such a long time to quit as well.

I'm so glad I'm not a smoker. Although, that's something a bit weird that happened to me a while ago as well. After prom when I was... not entirely sober (nevermixingdrinksagain) my friend was trying to force cigarettes on me. Now that was odd. I think she's looking for an excuse to because her cousin does. Smoking is gross. Sorry if you do. But it kind of is. It's like being volantarily smelly.

I'm really nervous about this lesson. I'm going to be crap. Although that is because I don't know how to play so I guess that would be a pretty good excuse. I hope he brings plecks, I lost mine.
I still haven't unpacked. My room looks awful. I need to put up the things I found when I was away though. I ripped out this Cosmopolitan article I want to stick up. Cosmopolitan is weird. I now know way more about erogenous zones than I need to.

Anyway. I should probably go and make sure the house is vaguely tidy before he arrives.

I hope he isn't hot. Actually I hope he is. Eh. I don't know.

Track: Dorks In A Box - Lauren Fairweather

For those who do not want to read my moaning (joy for self conciousness on blog. Thank you. Thank you so much.) Here are some pictures from the Dales.

I'm crap at photography, I know. I also could not tell you why the sky is pink if I wanted to. I didn't notice that it was pink while I was there. Ah well...

On the second day there we found this 1940s weekend in Leyburn. It was kind of fun. The people in the town had really gone for it with the fancy dress.

We went to this National Trust house and there was a wishing tree. You basically make a wish while tying the cloth on. This was my one.

I get happy about stupid things. I'd never seen a baby peacock before and I thought he wasd cute so I took lots of photos. This is one of them.

Lol.

I couldn't get over how big this place is. Someone actually lives there. Not just someone. 4 people. Why do 4 people need all that space?! The inside is beautiful.

There were dresses like these all over Castle Howard. It was something to do with this photographers project. I don't know how to dresses and the house were actually linked.

Windamere. There was this air weekend thing. We went on a ferry. Windamere (or however you spell it) has got to be one of the only places we always go that I actually like. I love being on the water. This was yesterday. It was the only decent weather we had.

http://www.sarahphotogirl.com/Exhibition/tabid/80/Default.aspx
That's the website of the girl who did the photo project with the dresses. If anyone's interested.

Track: Blink 182 - Not now

I'm back.

It was... sort of what I expected it to be. Hugh managed to say something to upset my mum whenever I wasn't in the room. I thought it was kind of interesting that he waited until I wasn't around to say stuff. Probably because he knows what he is saying is bollocks and also knows that I would point that out.

I think they've broken up. I mean, they have. I just don't know the permanance of it. My mum is crying all the time and I don't know what to do. I just sit there, being useless. I don't know what to say. I want to yell at her and be pissed off but obviously I can't do that so I just go sort of silent. There's nothing in the world I can do to make this better.
I don't think that the "break up" will last. She's already saying "I don't think I can do this to him". The only thing I could think of saying to that was "What about ME?!" and then yelling about there being no way I was going to Yorkshire with them both next year but again, that isn't exactly helpful so instead I just said that I thought he should be on his own. I said that he obviously had a lot of stuff to figure out and that he might actually do some of it if he wasn't in a relationship. I told her that if she started things up again now we both know that we will be in this exact same position next year.

I'm not sure if she's upset about the idea of not having a "boyfriend" anymore. I don't think that she has been in love with Hugh for a long time, but she does care about him a lot. The thing is, they haven't really been "together" for over a year now. He comes over here and acts all antogonistic, touches her when she doesn't want him to then sits and watches television for the rest of the evening. Then, at about 11 he goes home because mum didn't want him staying over anymore, because it didn't sit right with her relgious beliefs.
My mum told me that mostly she just feels guilty because now she's gone (yeah, right. It won't last. I bet this time next week he's over here again.) he doesn't have anyone. He kept asking her if there was someone else (He thinks there's something going on between my mum and her friend. There isn't.) and stuff like that, which makes her feel worse.
I just can't deal with all that. I can't do the sitting around talking about all the nice memories. I don't have any. My mum has the time when he was pretending to be nice but I was 4. I don't remember it. I remember the bad stuff. I remember him hitting John with the bit of wood and shouting at me and telling me things way out of anyone's control were my fault. I remember the thousands of times he has made my mum cry and the pathetic arguments they used to have when he would say "Lets just split" and not mean it so my mum would beg for him to stay for ages. I remember him leaving whenever anything got slightly difficult and saying my dad wouldn't notice if I sent one of my friends over there instead of me. It might be true, but it was never his place to say. I remember all of the times he has made me angry with my mum. I remember him saying to my mum that he couldn't stand being in John's company for more than five minutes. I remember so much fucking shit it's clogging up my brain.
I don't want to feel sorry for him. I want him to be miserable and alone.
Most of all, I want him to admit for once in his sorry fucking life that he did something wrong. I want him to say sorry for all of the mean things that he's ever said. I want him to tell my mum that what happened a couple of years ago was the bravest fucking thing she ever did, not her having "a funny five minutes."
I want to break everything that's left in his pitiful, lonely little life so he can feel a little bit of what he's made me feel over the last 10 years.

He'll never admit that he did anything wrong. Nothing's ever his fault.

I really need him to say sorry, but he's never going to.

I don't know what to say to my mum to make her feel better. I'm hoping everyone else is more experienced in this stuff than me.

They went through a fad of breaking up a couple of years ago. I never figured out what to say. I just want my mum to be as angry as I am, but that isn't going to happen because obviously she doesn't hate the guy.

So yeah. Anything that I could say to make her stop crying would be great.

I got some photos while we were away. I'll put them up later.

Track: Down - Blink 182

I went to see Half Blood Prince on Wednesday night. I loved it. There are some really good funny moments in it and I think Rupert Grint is such a brilliant Ron. Daniel Radcliffe's acting has improved a lot as well. Although it was weird remember about 5 minutes in that I had seen him naked (Equius. I was sent the photos by my rather enthusiastic friend. Several times.) Ah well..
I have to say that my main problem with the film was Emma Watson. I've tried to like her because she's a big deal at the moment and I love the character of Hermione but Emma Watson bugs me. Her eyebrows move too much and I think she really over acts. Most of the scenes she was in really pissed me off. Everywhere I look at the moment there is some article going on about how amazing she is. Although I think that may have more to do with how pretty she's got rather than her acting skills.

I am pretty much prepared for going away. Spent more than an hour in the library on Wednesday morning and have got about 7 books, so that should see me through. I've already read one of them, but that's because it was a graphic novel. It was called Vampire Loves (please don't think of Twilight, it wasn't like that. Trust me, if it was I wouldn't have got the thing out. I'm sick to death of Twilight). The book is by Joann Sfar, who I hadn't heard of before but I want to read more of his stuff now. It's funny. I'm still going to take the book with me, I want to read it again.
Other than Vampire Loves I got a lot of quite long books. All of the same sort of thing, but they take my mind off stuff and don't require me to think that much (can't be bothered with another Kevin Brooks just yet) so they are all female main character mixing real life problems with fantasy type stuff.
And... you know. A guy or two thrown in.

I have music too. I saved up for a while because the one good thing about the Dales is this shop called The Mulberry Bush. I've talked about it before. I love it. I might just ask the lady if I can move in and work there for a week. That'd be awesome. Anyway, so after I'd saved up my dad and my gran both gave me money. I felt bad 'cause I haven't really seen either of them in ages and I can no longer speak in my dad's prescence. I don't mind about that though. Money is money, after all (state the obvious there). So I could afford music. And I'm getting a notebook tonight.
So maybe I'll be okay.

Track: Blink - Chameleon Circuit

I just got tagged.

"Moaning cow"

I wonder who that was..

It says it in the description. I admit it. Leave me alone.

Why be mean? Really?

Plus - although they are few - there are posts where I in fact don't moan.

Sometimes I write about tv.

The most annoying thing is that I will now obsess about that. Yay.

People keep moving onto my street and ripping the insides of their houses out.
Bang bang bang ALL FREAKING DAY.

I hate it when I get pissed off with people that really, I have no business being pissed off with. I hate having an argument in my head that seems fair and makes my being angry okay but then realising the other person's point of view. And realising that that point of view makes it seem like I'm being horrible and selfish. Except I don't think I am. But I still feel bad. Argh.
I feel so crap. Ah well, on the up side the seeing Harry Potter is now pretty much sorted. It's going to be earlier and in a town nearer us. Cheaper and my mum doesn't worry so much. Awesome.

I'm worried about my guinea pig. She's about 5 or 6 now and her sister died a few months ago. In the last week she hasn't eaten all her food everyday. To start off with, I just thought that I was giving her too much (the carrots my mum bought this week are kind of big) but in the evening, when I gave her celery in normal amounts she still didn't eat all of it. But she's still eating all her hay, which is the thing that she really loves. I don't know. I really, really don't want to leave her next week.
We're having The House Vet come and have a look at her sometime in the next couple of days anyway though, because she has this lump thing. I'm not that worried about it because she's had it before, and the vet told us that it was where the other wiggie had bitten her and that it had got infected. The lump had icky stuff in it that they drained, and afterwards the vet said that it might come back. At least, I'm pretty sure that he did. I'm also pretty sure that the lump is on the same side, but not totally because, like an idiot I didn't write down which side it was on.
I'm such a crap owner. My wiggie is completely neurotic. I'm pretty sure I didn't do anything to make her this way but her sister was like it too so I guess I must've. In the end, I figured if my picking them up scared them that much I'd just leave them be. I don't know. My rabbit liked me. I miss my rabbit.

I think my mum is getting annoyed with me because I'm being miserable. Apparently I look ill as well. There's nothing wrong with me. Well, I feel kind of sick but I know why that is.

Orange just texted me and told me that I can now use my phone whenever I go abroad.

Ha, like that's ever going to happen. I'm stuck with the Dales.

I hate holidays.

Track: I Hate My Life - Theory Of A Dead Man

My day was pretty ordinary. It is amazing how easily time can be filled doing absolutely nothing some days. I like it, like, not getting bored despite the fact I probably should be.
It was good. It was nice. Me and John seem to be getting on okay in the last couple of days which makes a good change as well. I suppose we kind of need to band together for next week. Not that he's ever much help in that stuff.

I just got texted by Orange who have kindly given me 300 free texts to use this month! I can contact people next week! Only one person will actually text me back and that'll be if I pretend I'm having fun but whatever! The outside of Dales world will be decidedly more contactable. Always good. All I had to do was top up £10 over a month. Usually I can't do this because I only get £5 and that has to last me ages but because of prom and everything I've needed more. And now I have free stuff. I love Orange.

The whole going out on Wednesday thing is looking slightly more promising from my mum's point of view. I still don't know what's going on how we're getting there or where we're going afterwards but feeling like I might actually be able to go once I know which makes all the difference. Although she hasn't actually said yes yet 'cause some guy got attacked there not that long ago. I'll be okay. I walked through a crappy town in a crappy area at 4am (granted for only 5 minutes. But whatever) after prom, half 11 through a city to a train station isn't so much different. I pointed that out. I just got the worried look. I think I'm going to not feel bad though, she's making me go next week despite the fact that I've actually said I don't think I can sort of... manage with it, so I am going to see Harry Potter on Wednesday night.
You know, if we actually manage to organise it.
Actually that isn't fair. She wants me to go because she wants to be with me. Which is nice. If she told me to stay at home and went off with Hugh then I think I would feel bad. I know I would. I'd be incredibly pissed off. I still hope she lets me go out though. If I do go I hope the film is good, I thought the last one was crap. Plus Emma Watson sometimes gets on my nerves a bit. She never stops waggling her stupid eyebrows. Seriously, once you notice it it will drive you INSANE. I love Harry Potter. I was going to try and read the book again before Wednesday but Half Blood Prince is like the only one I don't actually have a copy of 'cause we couldn't afford it when it came out. I borrowed it from Hugh's mum, I think.

We went round to my mum's friend's flat earlier to give his daughter her birthday present. Once again, so much for not being involved. I've even met his ex wife now . His kids always surpise me so much though, they're 10 and 11 but they're so confident. They sit and talk to us even though they've met us about 3 times like they've known us for ages. At one point my mum and Sean went off somewhere and left me on my own (well, John was there to but he's no help) with his kids. I started freaking out because I can't talk to people but somehow because of their ridiculous confidence we managed to keep the conversation going.
I was not that confident when I was 10. Lol, I was miserable when I was 10 (suprising, right?) 'cause Hugh had major control then and I also thought my whole life was going wrong because I was going to a different secondry school from my friends and my best friend went off me. I have a habit of latching onto one person and kind of relying on them and the person I sort of had for that went off me or something. I guess I was clingy. I don't know. I haven't done it since. Well, I have, but I don't make it obvious. I don't know how my best friend has put up with me the last few months, I am such a pain in the arse and I say such stupid things to her all the time. I said that to her a few weeks ago and she said it's fine, she doesn't take any notice anyway . Being constantly sure someone is going to hate you/leave but not showing it is such an effort

Anyway. I don't even know why I wrote about that.

My house is beginning to smell rather deliciously of pasta so I'm gunna go now.

Track: Sandboxes - Danielle Ate The Sandwich

The weather is so weird today. I hope it starts to stay properly sunny again soon because I need to go into town and can't afford to get the bus both ways (I'll have to walk home). Walking home is going to be annoying enough as it is because I'll have about a million books to see me through next week. Should be a fun trip to the library though. I love the library. The only problem is that apart from 2 people everyone that works there is really horrible. There's this one guy there though, he's like the only man that works there and he's really nice. He didn't charge me when I ordered a book last because he said I still counted as a child even though I have an adult library card. Other than the not charging me thing he's just nice too. I think he and the other lady I like work on Thursdays. I'll try and go then. All the ther librarians are so horrible, they hate you just for entering the building.

I went to church this morning. Well, it wasn't exactly church. It was in the conferance room thing because there was a celebration for one of the pastor guys who has worked at the church for 20 years. It was kind of nice. Or at least, it would have been if I wasn't so completely terrified the whole time. I don't know why church terrifies me so much, but it really does. There's not even anyone there that's mean, everyone's really nice. There's this one guy there, another one of the speaker people who always comes up and says hi to me and it's nice to see me and everything since I don't go very often. Church stuff makes me confused. It shouldn't make me feel like I do and I don't understand why it does.

ANYWAY I don't want to go into that.

I'm having a fun afternoon of winding up my brother. It's such a fun thing to do. At the moment with his whole obvsessive behaviour thing he's developed this real thing about coasters. We have this square little table next to the settee with 4 square coasters on and John has started making this big deal of lining them all up in the corners. I've hidden the coasters. It's driving him crazy. He's been looking for them on and off for like an hour. I'll go and give them back in a minute.

Lol. Every five minutes or so I hear him yelling "WHERE ARE THE COASTERS?!"

I would just like to make it clear that I don't do this a lot. I really am going to give them back in a minute. He isn't getting seriously wound up or anything, it's just bugging him.

Track: What's My Age Again? - Blink 182

I know this will probably have been seen already but whatever.

I know it's not out until next year but I'm already so excited.

Track: Afterwards - Danielle Ate The Sandwich

Well I've spent a long day mourning the death of Yanto. I can't believe they killed him off. I've only been watching Torchwood a few days but I got attached. He and Jack would have made such a good couple

While I wasn't being devastated about Yanto I went to Rose's house. It was fun. For once I wasn't the only person with no money so I still had fun. We attempted to cook. The end result was pretty good. We were considering doing chicken (not for me, obviously) but when everyone seemed pretty hazy as to how you cook it we decided that was not a good idea. In my defense, I've been a vegetarian all my life. I have an excuse .
We had a small drama in the afternoon when we took Ime in to town to meet up with Jake. For quite a while it seemed as though he wasn't going to show up, he was like an hour late. I wasn't prepared for dealing with that one. Ah well, he showed up in the end.

I have a little bit of a rant I want to do as well. I have noticed someone, first when they left me kind of annoying comment, and more when they did it again. Then I saw them do the same thing on someone else's blog and it's just pissed me off. Reading what people are thinking and feeling is a choice. If you feel the need to be persistantly negative about people's blogs then do it in your own head, or don't read them. When you think about it, it kind of takes guts to do a blog. You're writing about personal stuff, putting it out there despite you know... not knowing who's going to read it. I don't understand why anyone has the right to critisise that. In fact, there isn't even anything to understand. It's just a stupid, immature thing to do. Especially for someone over 30.

Well folks, the general opinion on imnotdead is this: What a prick

I just got another stupid e mail from my dad. He keeps sending me and my brother these really long, boring messages about his life. When will he realise that I don't care? I get that he puts everything else above me, I accept it, it's fine but does he really have to shove it in my face all the time?
I bet not that many people can say that 50% of their parent's reason for divorce was golf. Lol. Someone tried to add me on here the other day who had a blog about golf clubs. I held back the torrent of abuse I wanted to unleash and instead just clicked "decline".

Anyway, there was a reason for my writing this. I'm going slightly nuts and am trying to vent in other places so I don't start screaming at my brother. Although, actually, venting now is pointless since John isn't even here. ANYWAY. Yeah. So, since watching All The Small Things and getting it for himself on DVD John has been very extra interested in austism and having autism and everything. (One of the main characters has it. He is very introverted so really nothing like John) but John has started to idolise this guy. So, because of the aspergers he is now trying to copy this guy with something probably slightly more severe and won't stop talking about all the weird things he does. He doesn't really do these things, he does them then looks at you to see if you're looking.
He's also decided that he has OCD. This is the part that pisses me off. He keeps doing things then looking at me to see if I'm looking. I KNOW he can't relate to people and doesn't understand but.. I spend so much of my time worrying about him. I think about John and how this will effect John and what this means for John nearly all the time. He has all the attention that he needs so I don't understand why he's doing this. It's just... pissing me off.

There is an unbelieveable amount of really terrible photos of me on Facebook. I must say this is beginning to get rather depressing.
Plus, everytime I see someone has tagged me I freak out in case I'm drunk in the picture of something and my mum sees. Why did I tell her she should get Facebook?

The holiday is inching ever closer.

Why did my dad have to e mail me? I don't care about his life. I was fairly un-irritated until that happened.

I am now going to watch Ugly Betty of 40d.

I now want to talk about Torchwood.

I watch far too much television.

Track: You And I Misbehaving - Tilly And The Wall

Steven Moffat writes such freaking scary Doctor Who episodes. The next series is going to be really creepy.

I just watched The Empty Child, from series one.

I am seriously going to be looking over my shoulder all night now.

And yes, I will be watching Torchwood at nine

Track: An Awful Lot Of Running – Chameleon Ciruit

I've been listening to a lot of Kate Nash in the last couple of days. I always start listening to her this kind of time. She's kind of summer-ey. I heard Foundations for the first time when we had left for our holiday without Hugh. That year was so amazing. We left at like 5 in the morning so he couldn't come round and stop us. My mum was really scared that he would show up and we wouldn't know what to do so we decided to beat him to it and leave. It was the year when there was all the flooding as well, so people had left their cars on the M5 and walked to the nearest travel lodge. We didn't know this though, everything had got so horrible leading up to leaving that we hadn't listened to the news.
It wasn't stressful being stuck in the traffic though, it was fun. I still have loads of stupid little films we made. I'd just got my camera. It was the first digital camera that I had had, my nan gave it to me because her son gave it to her and he's an arsehole so she didn't want it anymore, because it reminded her of him (from what I hear, he really isn't a very nice guy). So.. yeah, we were making films and stuff. I still have all of them.
It makes me sad now though. It was so amazing then, to think that we had escaped. The whole horrible pressure of it was lifted and he was gone and it was like we were free.

Everything ends though. I was stupid enough to really believe in it so couldn't deal with it when he showed up mid-week and ruined everything. He started crying and saying he needed my mum so my mum took him back. She didn't let him stay though, because of me. I didn't go down or see him the whole time he was there. I fell apart a bit. We had spent the last few days talking about how amazing it was having him gone and then she let him back in just like that. It still hurts a lot. It's happened more than once though. They break up, we run away somewhere for a bit (we went to Cornwall once. It was a good day) and then we get back or he shows up and mum lets him straight back in again.

I don't want to go on this holiday. I really, really don't want to go. I want someone to take me somewhere else. I don't want to go. I hate the place and I hate the atmosphere and it's horrible and oppressive and claustrphobic and I don't want to go. It makes me so panick-ey just thinking about it.
I always hate it when we first get there. The hills come up on either side of me and I realise that I'm stuck there in that horrible place I hate in a horrible situation and there's no escaping it. I don't even like the house that we stay in. I'm left out all the time when we go because I don't want to be included in the doing everything Hugh says so he doesn't get angry. Me and Hugh can't be happy at the same time. Never have been able to. I don't want to go I don't want to go I don't want to go.

Sad thing is, there isn't anywhere else I can go. My mum wouldn't leave me here on my own and I think it would probably make her cry if I asked her if I could stay here. I might though. I might because part of me is really pissed off at her for making me be a part of this again.

I'll just have to manage. The worst thing is I don't even have blog. I have no one to talk to about any of it. I can't even talk to anyone about before I go because none of my freinds listen to me. After my post the other day, I wanted to talk to someone but all they could talk was prom prom prom. Even after prom no one wanted to listen. But that's okay, I have you guys. I know this blog must get SO boring so I am very, very grateful for the people that read it. (it'll be kind of funny if no one reads this now)

Race for Life went okay, as well. I couldn't run the whole thing but I ran at least 3 our of 5 kilometres. I got a medal. I didn't know they gave us anything. I wasn't expecting anything. Made me happy though.

Now I'm going to go and listen to Kate Nash's nutty stories.

I can't wait until I have somewhere else I can go instead.

Track: Foundations - Kate Nash

So that's prom over and done with. The photos are all over Facebook. I look awful in every single one. Since that's the one night you're meant to look okay that is a bit depressing.
The prom itself wasn't that great - definitely not worth all of that build up. The second we got there everyone separated off into their cliques and stayed that way for the rest of the evening. There was dancing that I didn't join in with. I didn't want to, lol. I can't dance. People tried to force me. It wasn't good.

After the prom me and Kailee came back to my house to get changed and then headed over to the after party.
It was really strange, actually. Like, every two seconds for a while it hit us that we were at a popular person party and that that was really, really weird.
I drank too much. Far too much. I don't even know why. I think that after the last few days I just wanted to have fun and not think about anything for a little while. I won't be doing that again, trust me. All the throwing up so wasn't worth it. I am lucky that Beany's mum is so understanding about that kind of stuff.
It's my own fault. There was alcohol everywhere and I just ended up having far too much. There was this bowl full of god knows what that I drank. There were guys goinf round asking everyone to pour something of what they had it, then they were daring people to drink some. I did it. Twice. Urgh. So, so disgusting.
And then there was this whole thing with this guy. Another reason a drank as much as I did actually. Whenever I think I might like someone I immediately try and push them on someone else. I don't even know why. Half the time I don't even remember making the concious decision to do it. So yeah, I did that and it appeared to work which depressed me.

Seriously though. I think I'm giving up on the whole drinking thing. How awful I felt yesterday really wasn't worth it. And I had to lie to my mum a bit, which I hate doing. She just isn't at all understanding about anything to do with drinking. I don't know. I just think it's something teenagers do, but she doesn't see it that way.

I felt so horrible yesterday.

Next time I see that Don't Mix Drinks thing I think I'm going to listen. My puke was bright pink. You didn't need to know that.

Track: OUCH - Be Your Own Pet

Haven’t blogged in a few days. I was planning to step back from it a while because a few days ago I got a comment that, frankly pissed me off but yesterday was really bad and I just want something to talk to I guess.

Yesterday John finished his course at the college. That was scary enough on it’s own because it meant that the little help that we have had over the course of his schooling was finishing. And that’s just… whatever. I don’t even know. It’s not like we’ve ever had much help anyway.

Next year, John was wanting to do this performing arts course. It’s a level 3 (a level) course. We were kind of worried about him doing it but at the point when we decided to do it, we were told that he would be capable and everything would be fine.
Then he went to this open day for it on Wednesday. As far as we knew this was just a day to get to know the course and he already had a place but when he got home it turned out that the day he had been on was just an audition and that his place isn’t certain. We were never told this. He got a letter saying he had a place and during his interview it was never said that he wasn’t actually on the course yet.
So, there’s a danger that he won’t get on. Aside from the fact that this would completely devastate him and I have absolutely no idea how we would deal with it if he isn’t going back to school in September that changes everything. All that stuff about keeping the tax credit and everything being okay? That would all be gone. If he isn’t at school anymore then we loose all of the money for him AND he doesn’t have a job because the college made us think he was going back and because the college made us think he was going back Pluss thought he was going back and haven’t been trying to find him a permanent, payed placement. Pluss are as pissed off as we are, I seriously don’t think they are going to be working with the college next year, they said the communcation is awful.
So we found out all this and were all worried so the guy in charge of John’s course set up a meeting with us and the people running the drama course. They seem to think that John will probably get on it but have also increased the written work in the course, which is also unhelpful.

Then they told us that the government have taken away mature student funding.

Too many expenses claims, not enough money and now the people who actually Cn’r afford stuff are suffering. There are kids who have done the first year of their courses who are now unable to do the second because there is no money left.
It’s not up to the college to fund it and they have to decide over the next few weeks whether or not John gets the money. If he doesn’t it’s going to cost us over a thousand pounds. The thing is, we could probably pay for part of because of John’s disability living allowance that my mum has been saving since she thought we were losing the tax credit but if John spends all of that now and then wants to do a degree then what the fuck is he supposed to pay for it with?

And then, half an hour away from where we live is my bastard of a father rolling in it. He won’t help us. Not properly, anyway. If he does pay half then he’ll stop giving money monthly and we NEED that money because he went and left us with nothing in the first place. Oh, sorry, no, he didn’t leave us with nothing he left us with a ton of debt. Bastard.

And the thing is, I don’t know how likely they are to give us funding because in letting John on the course they also have to find the money for the learning support that he is going to need.

Then his stupid tutor, who doesn’t know anything and has sat COMPLETELY SILENT through ALL the meetings that my mum has had about whether or not John should do this course then says that he isn’t sure that John is capable of it academically or socially.

And the college isn’t taking into account how much this affects us. If John isn’t going back to school in September then we need the tax credit people and tell them. We’re probably going to have to pay back the last couple of months worth as it is.

Then my mum phoned Hugh because she was stressed and he was horrible and unsympathetic on purpose and just went on about how it affects everyone and not just us. For fucks sake. We KNOW it affects everyone but right now it’s bloody well affecting us!

And now my mum keeps not being able to breathe again and I can’t be arsed to go out tonight but people won’t shut up about it if I don’t and my going out is making her worry more and she can’t breathe half the time again and I don’t know what to do and I’m sick of having no fucking control over any of my stupid shitty life.

And the last thing in the stupid crappy universe I feel like doing is sitting in a stupid dress I’ll look fat in talking to people talking about boys I don’t give a shit about then going to some stupid person’s party I don’t even know and… ARGH

And this is pissing me off:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1197182/Betrayal-naive-hacker-Why-MPs-doing-help-Aspergers-victim-Gary.html

Why does NOBODY understand ANYTHING about Asperger’s?

And I’ll be as fucking negative as I want.