Angst? Me? Never.

My mum’s friend just came over to take her to a murder mystery and he brought me over some headphones. Mine broke when he was in the car with us the other day.
It was sweet. Now I feel bad.

I just can’t believe that he is really this nice a person. I don’t know why, but I can’t. Men, in my experience pretend to be something that they aren’t until you trust them, then as soon as they have that they start treating you like crap.

His being around makes me feel really insecure. I’m used to Hugh horrible and to my dad horrible. I don’t want another kind of horrible to deal with. I can deal with Hugh and my dad being the way they are because I expect it.

Crap crap crap.

Oh, and I'm fine btw. A ligament thing. The doctor basically said "live with it". He obviously thought I was making a big deal out of nothing with my skin as well.
He was also very attractive which was off putting. Argh. I hate doctors.

Track: When You Were Young – The Killers

Haha! I think I have finally figured out prom!

So, here is the revised plan:

I get dressed and arrive at my first friend’s house, then we get a lift to the venue with her dad in their huge car (first friend has a million brothers and sisters so they have a car with a million seats).
THEN I arrive at prom, probably feel miserable the whole time and hopefully avoid dancing at all costs.
AFTER THAT I get a lift with my mum to The Party. At some point I would really like to change because I don’t want drunken idiots to ruin the only dress I own.
FOLLOWING THIS we walk from The Party to second friend’s house at some very, very late time. This worries me slightly. It’s not so much the fact that where she lives is pretty terrifying in the day time - let alone the night - it’s more that my mum will insist of driving me somewhere at 4 in the morning. Now that would be incredibly embarrassing, although a very sweet thing for my mum to do. The other problem with the whole giving a lift thing is that there is a very high likelihood that the people that I am with will be pissed. However, I can’t say this to my mum because if she knew that she wouldn’t let me go.

It is incredibly hard work to not have to lie. I can’t lie. I laugh. Honestly, even when I am lying about something serious I start laughing. It makes no sense. I used to be okay about lying, then this guy in my english class said I was crap at it and since then I have laughed whenever I attempt it.

I have to go to the doctor’s in a minute. Partly for my skin, which is terrible at the moment and partly for my joints. I’m kind of scared about this. For a pretty long time I have always had pains and stuff in my joints and legs, I went to the doctor’s about it about 3 years ago and they said that I had grown too fast and that it would settle down soon. I’ve stopped growing but the whole pain thing has got worse so my mum is forcing me to go to the doctor. I’m 99% sure that there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, but the 1% that thinks there might be REALLY doesn’t want to go to this appointment.
And on a vainer note, my hair is a mess. It needs a wash. I was planning to wash it after this, actually, but then my mum came in and told me we’re going to the doctor in half an hour. Sigh.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Sarah Dessen books? I got Lock and Key the other day, and as usual for one of her books, it’s amazing. The thing that I love most about it in a way though is how characters from other books pop up in these really minor roles. Like, there’s this bit in Lock and Key where Ruby is serving in the shop she works and Kristy and Bert from The Truth About Forever come in. It’s subtle too, because you wouldn’t have got the description (Kristy with scars and Bert with Armageddon t-shirt) unless you had read The Truth About Forever. I love it because it makes it seem as though those character’s lives carry on even after you finish the book that featured them as main characters. I know it’s dumb, but it makes me happy.

Track: Help Me Mary – Liz Phair

I just found this booklet I was obviously given on my induction day at my school in year 7. In it, there is this quiz about how I will be getting to school.

Will you WALK? No
Do you know the way? Yes
How long will it take you? 30 minutes
Will you have a FRIEND to walk with? No. I have no friends!

Doesn't look as entertaining here but it really made me and my mum laugh. Ah, I remember the resentful, year 7 me.

"No I have no friends!" Lol.

I have already managed to ruin my own prom night. I am such an idiot. Why is this such a worry? Why am I worrying about it? It's supposed to be fun for god's sake!

So here's what I did:

I was dreading the whole thing in the first place because to be honest, getting dressed up and dancing around isn't really me. Or... I don't know. I guess I would kind of like it to be me but it just.. I don't look like I should look. Okay. So I thought that I would go, stand it for a few hours and then go home. I am ignorant to all things prom night since John never even went or was that involved in anything social. I couldn't have prepared myself for it.
There is after prom stuff. Who knew? So I had to figure that out around my mum since the girl throwing The after prom party is popular and my mum doesn't know her. To start off with, I didn't think this was something I would have to even worry about but then there was this weird situation where I got cornered in the loos and I thought they were going to kill me but instead they gave me an invite to this party. It took me a while to ask my mum. Okay. I never actually asked her, she found the invitation (which I think I have now lost.). ANYWAY so I asked her and she just said no because she didn't know the people and drunkennes etc but I still really wanted to go so I figured that I would wait and talk to her nearer the time.
In the time, because I am an idiot I agreed to go to my other friends house (which I don't want to do. I'm a horrible person.) so now she thinks I'm going ovet there when I'm not because last night I talked to my mum and she said that I can do what I want after prom. But NOW doing that isn't even easy because I lost my place in the taxi because I didn't think that I was allowed to do what I wanted.

And then there's the whole of issue as to what the hell we are doing after Megan's party. It probably won't get started 'till about midnight so god knows when it'll end and then when it does end Jasmine wants to go to the beach. The town we're going to already makes me think that this is a very bad idea but then there's the whole drunkeness thing. I would like the think that I'm not a complete killjoy but getting pissed then going to the beach? Seriously NOT a good idea.

So yeah. And this is the kind of thing that I worry about. THERE YOU HAVE IT. I'm even more stupid than the stupid I already portrayed myself the be.

I am actually obsessing over this.

ARGHIHATEMYLIFE/MYSELF

Also, my mum seems to have cheered her up. Who cheered her up? HER FRIEND. Not me. She could only yell at me and make me feel bad and shoot down everything single suggestion that I have. Not that I am going to geel insecure about it. Because that would be stupid and I'm not going to let her stupid friend get what he wants. ARGH

Track: Basket Case - Green Day

(lol)

I went to this tea party thing at this guy Alistair’s house today. It was a weird experience. His house is amazing, it’s this huge old place right in the middle of nowhere AND they had an extension built onto it, just because huge wasn’t quite big enough for them. It took ages to get to because the closest we could get on the bus was this village about half an hour away. Considering how hot it is here right now that walk was not exactly fun.
When we got there Alistair had got all this stuff ready, cakes and sandwiches and pink lemonade and stuff. After he had told us all to be very sure not to break any of his china he took us up to this old field his family own. It was one of those fields that people own for the sake of owning and don’t really look after. The grass was really long, the kind that if you ran out into the field and lay down no one would be able to see you. I love fields like this because they just inspire imagination. At the top of the field there was this old union jack on a bent flagpole, which Alistair told us was from world war 2 and that the holes in it where real bullet holes from the boat it had been on. Just along from the flag there was an area where the grass had been flattened down and we all sat there and ate. Looking around there was actually a really incredible view of all the hills and the field leading back down to his house.
It was so relaxing there, in the sun just sitting and talking about anything. Sadly, due to certain people that were there you couldn’t escape from annoyances completely but it was pretty close. Closer than I’ve been in a while, anyway.
When we had been outside for a couple of hours we went back down to the house because a few people wanted to watch Slumdog Millionaire. We had a bit of a nose round the house, as you have to in places this big and found this old sword. One thing I did realise today was the alarming amount of weapons in that house, Alistair has an axe and a crossbow under his bed. Anyway, stupidly, he let Jasmine has the sword so she was swinging it around for a while. Lol, he said “Yeah, well, it isn’t that dangerous. Although you could kill someone with it.”

Track: Good Day - The Dresden Dolls

My mum is miserable and as usual there is absolutely nothing that I can do to help.

She’s frustrated about her job and about money and how nothing ever works out the way she would have liked it to. I mean, I understand why. She has worked non-stop for the last month and has earned practically nothing because the people that she works for don’t seem to understand she needs to earn a living.
This big sales company just rejected her books so now she has decided that they are crap and that she should give up on writing and get a normal job. But then she decides that she won’t be able to do that either, because she thinks no one will hire her because of her age. I think that they probably would hire her. She’d just hate whatever she ended up doing.

And then there’s the Hugh issue. She feels guilty about it because he doesn’t even call half the time anymore. He keeps going on to her about how me and my brother are horrible to him etc. I’m actually not horrible to him. To be fair, John is, but Hugh has been awful to him so I’m not going to try and stop it. So there’s that and a million other things Hugh keeps telling her she’s done wrong.
I don’t understand Hugh. For 10 years he didn’t want her to be needy, he didn’t want to make an actual commitment to her and he didn’t want anything to do with the way we live our lives. Suddenly, my mum decides to let him get on with it and stop hoping he will change and acts as though he never did anything wrong. Like, everything that happened in the last 10 years… well… didn’t happen. But the fact is, it did. He is miserable now in circumstances that he made. I don’t see what my mum has to feel guilty about.

Then there’s me. I hate that part of the reason she is miserable is my fault. She blames herself for how much I hate Hugh and how mad I am at my dad. This, if I’m honest, I don’t get either. She couldn’t control to fact that Hugh turned out to be a prick. Okay, she didn’t send him away when she should have but it’s still him that chose to be horrible… how’s that her fault?
And with my dad she thinks that’s her fault because she divorced him (incidentally, for the exact same reasons I want nothing more to do with him. Which is quite funny, when you think about it). Again, her blaming herself doesn’t make any sense. Yeah, she sent him away but he chose to not properly be around.

So… yeah. If anyone had any idea what I could do to help it would be…. Helpful. I’m useless with this stuff. I keep trying but nothing works so.. any advice would be appreciated.

Track: Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) – Green Day

YAY

Am cheered up. Malorie Blackman is going to be at the Bath Children’s Literature festival. My mum said that after the Meg Cabot thing last year I could go to something this year. Plus it’s really cheap. Despite the fact she’s really famous it’s only £5 entry. I kind of hope she doesn’t talk about the books in too much detail though because of the sex thing. I don’t want my mum to start screening what I read. Not that she’s that bad or anything. I guess I just don’t know what she thinks is in what I read. Not that there is anything bad. Just… I don’t know.

Malorie Blackman. Yayayayayayayay. Her books are amazing. Google her. Read her. Etc

Now I have to go and wash up ‘cause we have to go and get my aunt from the station soon.

Sometimes I wish my mum would just keep things to herself.

She just confirmed something I had thought for a long time. My opinion of my dad is now even worse. I feel so bad even though the person it’s directed at doesn’t know. As long as he never finds out/realises everything will be okay. It’s difficult though, because to be honest we don’t really know how aware he is of everything.

I know that I can’t be because it isn’t fair. And it’s never even really occurred to me before despite her saying stuff about it which is weird but… I feel kind of angry with my mum. Not because she tells me stuff – she’s always done that. No, because she never made my dad do more. She never yelled at him and told him to stop being such a useless prick.

Oh well.

Track: Scar Tissue – Red Hot Chili Peppers

In all, I think I can say I've had a pretty productive day. It didn't start so well, my mum went to church with her friend and then was late back. In the time when she wasn't back my dad arrived to take John out and started being stressy about the fact that my mum wasn't there yet because Mandy wanted him back to be her slavey boy. He started being quite eggy and being a bit critical about the fact that my mum was late and I got quite close to losing my temper with him. We barely speak when we're together anymore so I think my suddenly coming out with a load of stuff about not being impatient kind of surprised him. I also suggested that Mandy take the bus to wherever she needed to go. That didn't go down well. I love ("Love" here being used sarcastically as "hate") how even when he's in our house he STILL puts everything else first.
After he left I furtherly proved to my mum's friend that I am a freak by ranting and going into a bad mood I couldn't get out of. Whatever. His being there made it worse being he's a great dad to his kids.
You know what else? John spent like £20 on this book for my dad for father's day and dad barely even looked at it. He just went great and then gave it back to John saying "Can you hold it?". I hate it. I can't stand it when he's like that with John. I can only hope John didn't pick up on it. Please let him just not notice.

So anyway, my dad left and my day got better. Me and mum went out for a bit to get some stuff. We weren't planning to but I sort of needed to get out of the house after I got wound up so it seemed like a good oppertunity to get some stuff done that needed doing. Then when we got home I finally cleaned my room up and dusted and stuff. My aunt is coming to stay tomorrow for a day or so because she has to go to a meeting down here. She's staying in my room. I really hope she isn't a look through your stuff type of person because my room is my space and it's just... mine. I know that's a dumb thing to say but there it is. I'm looking forward to seeing her though, I like her.

We went to this book shop thing for my mum to do some readings yesterday. No one showed up. Luckily, my mum didn't mind because despite that fact that she is amazing at storytelling she hates doing it because she gets scared and nervous. We went to Fat Face 'cause we got out early. I depressed myself by trying on stuff that looked terrible. Ah well, it's not like I could have afforded any of it anyway.

Oooh, also, this is on it's way.

A Coraline poster. I love it.

Track: Run Away - Avril Lavigne

An apology

I leave really crap comments. This is something that I have been aware for quite a long time, but, sadly, am perfectly unable to do anything about. I’m not exactly witty, my way of giving advice is to point out the bleeding obvious and the majority of the time I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about. I really am sorry for this, as one day I would love to leave something actually worth reading.
I think that my main problem is that despite the fact that this is the internet, I am still unable to be not shy. I’m the awkward silence person. You know, the person that you’re out with and sort of talk to but when it comes to being alone have absolutely nothing to say to. Other than my family (by which I mean mum and John. Other blood relatives I have exactly the same problem with) there are only about 3 people with whom I can be left alone and still speak like a semi-sane person. I figure this will get better as I get older. But, until then I’m afraid that my crappy, perfectly useless comments will continue. Please know that I am interested and concerned and do find things funny I just don’t really know what to write it order to express it.

So… yeah. I’m now worried that I sound kind of rude. I’m not being rude. One day I will be a sane, communicative person. I will. I will. I will?

Track: Screening Process – Lauren Fairweather

My mum had a murder mystery last night so I was in on my own. I rented a film out of the shop because I am obsessed with wanting to see films again since the awesome-ness that is Garden State. I got out Seven Pounds, the Will Smith film. It’s amazing. I loved it. Although it is definitely not one to watch it you want something uplifting. Well, I don’t know actually. It’s like one of those films that is sad but sort of happy at the same time. I won’t say why though because of spoilers and such. I think it’s directed by the same guy that did The Pursuit Of Happyness (which is also amazing).
It’s a good thing I got it out while I was on my own because my mum hates sad films. She refuses to watch them which kind of annoys me. Like, just because something is sad doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth watching. Peter Pan (the live-action one, not the Disney) is one of my favourite films even though the ending makes me cry every single time. I love The Notebook as well. I just love films. I’m in a wanting to see every single one ever made phase now. They have a pretty good selection at the shop as well, which always helps.

Is Burn After Reading any good?

John comes home from his camping today. I’m glad, I’ve missed him. I think that going was definitely really good for him though. I don’t know how well he’ll adjust to being back home.

I know that this is mean and I feel bad but like… in some ways… it’s been kind of nice for me, not having him around. I feel really horrible for that it’s just… when John’s here… he’s just constantly yelling at me about something or other or hitting and biting himself and some days it’s just nice being at home without having to watch someone punching themself in the head. I’ll be glad when he’s back though, it’s nicer knowing where he is and that he’s safe and everything.

The whole being social thing hasn’t gone so well in the last couple of days. I think I’m going to something on Tuesday though. It’s going to be even worse than the meal, I swear. It’s at this really posh, really rich and generally incredibly ignorant boy’s house. He thinks that he is really good looking. He’s wrong.

As for me and the whole Lose Weight For Prom idea I seem to be doing okay. I went for a run yesterday and have managed not to eat between meals. I would have run again today but I didn’t get to bed ‘till like 1am so I was too tired.

Paranoia about my mum’s friend is through the roof. He’s another Hugh, I know it. All the stuff he says… it’s blatant bullshit. I am never going to believe in it. Mum talked to him last night though, and said she just wants a friend. So I guess that’s good.

Track: Go! – Flow

This is so stupid. New levels of stupid have been reached. This is so beyond writing about nuclear radiation and being shot in a child development exam I don’t even feel stupid anymore.

http://entertainment.uk.msn.com/music/news/Article.aspx?cp-documentid=148029514&GT1=61501&ocid=today

Track: House Of Awesome Theme Song - The Whomping Willows

I have now officially finished my GCSEs. It is weird. I’m not being ungrateful for all the free time I now have, but to be honest, the whole thing is kind of anti-climatic. I’m kind of worried I’m not going to see any friends all summer or get invited to stuff. I know that the way to remedy that is to organise stuff myself but I don’t know how. Lol.

Hmm…

John is still having fun. He went to a pool yesterday and a theme park thing. And tonight he’s going to an outdoor theatre. I hope it isn’t raining as much where he is. It’s pouring here.
Lol, I hate rain. Today, because with all my other exams have started and finished about half an hour late my mum didn’t come to pick me up until half an hour after the exam finished. Today we finished on time. I was stood in the rain for ages then we went to have coffee with me looking like a drowned rat.

I think my exam went all right. Well. Again. Sort of. There was this one question about reasons for people being infertile and I couldn’t remember why they are. I just thought they just are, why ask me about it?

My reasons:

1. Exposure to nuclear radiation
2. An accident. (Getting shot in the stomach for a woman).

I’m not even kidding. Jemma pretty much pissed herself laughing when I told her. Awww, whenever I think about Jemma I get sad, I’m going to miss her so much next year. She’s really funny and she always makes me laugh and she told me the other day that she notices when I’m sad and makes me laugh on purpose. Well, (I’m saying that a lot today) she didn’t exactly tell me but we were talking and she said that. Awww. I can only hope that I don’t have much going on on Wednesday afternoons next year because at the college she’s going to they always have Wednesday afternoons off. She said we should meet up then. I really, really hope we do.

I need to radically lose weight in the next two weeks for prom. I have eaten a lot in the last couple of months and am currently decidedly chubby. I told my mum I want to do one of those cereal diets but she thinks I will develop an eating disorder. Not that she’s paranoid or anything

It was weird, I was thinking about John was when we were younger today because I have to do revision about special needs kids for the exam. I can’t decide if things were easier then or now.
When we were younger John used to hit me a lot. A lot a lot. Like, whenever he was frustrated he would just come and shoved me over or hit me or something for no apparent reason. We were in the same class at school for a little while because of him being held back and he used to do it a lot then. When he moved up the teacher said to my mum is was just as well because in the middle of the class he would just come over and punch me for no reason. Lol. I won’t even go into what happened when we were sat in the double trolley things in Sainsbury’s.
Lol. I don’t know how my mum coped really. I was little a hyper and just a generally really needy kid and the doctor wanted to put John of Ritalin (my mum refused.)

We had no help as well. They said they would put me in a siblings group because things were quite stressful back then but they never did. Then they said there were groups that John could go to but then said he couldn’t because he didn’t have the concentration. But surely that’s the point? Like, he doesn’t have the concentration so HELP HIM TO HAVE THE CONCENTRATION. I don’t know. I couldn’t do what my mum did.

WHY MUST MY CONPUTER FREEZE CONSTANTLY!? I have to type my posts of word first because my computer can’t seem to handle blog.co.uk anymore.

Poetry bugs me. It really pisses me off. I own one awesome poetry book (Old Possom’s Book of Practical Cats. Me and my best friend in primary school were obsessed with it.) Other than that I hate it. It’s pretentious and it doesn’t make any sense and all Seamus Heany writes about are potatoes. What a knob.

Track: Dorks In A Box - Lauren Fairweather

I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development.I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development.I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development. I hate child development.

This stupid revision is so REPETITIVE! I don’t care about a child’s development stages! I can’t think of anything I care about less!

Seriously, they go through them all separately, then, when you think you’ve finally done it they write EXACTLY THE SAME THING again just on the same page as opposed to separately.

And in a minute I have to do the exact same thing for different kinds of play.

I am going insane.

The exam is tomorrow.

John is having amazing fun camping.

*bitter*

Ooh, and my mum loved Garden State. It is just so awesome.

Track: I'm Going To Hogwarts - Lauren Fairweather

John left for his camping trip this morning. I won't see him again until Friday, it's so weird. I miss him already, even though he wouldn't even be here now normally. I'm scared too, scared that it'll trigger..
I'm pretending I'm not worried though, because I know my mum is freaking out and if I worry it'll make her worse. I've decided that I need to be a stronger person. I will not transfer my worries onto my mum, she has enough of them as it is.

I think that John is going to have an amazing week. The socialisation will be good for him, but at the same time he has his own tent so he will be able to be on his own when he needs to. They are going out for a meal tonight and in a couple of days to an outdoor theatre. There's some really good bike rides around where they are staying so they are going to rent bikes and take all of them around the area. John loves his cycling. He;s really good at it as well, we're so proud of him for that. It took him a long time to lern to ride a bike, but he can do it really well now. When he was in secondary school he always chose the biking for a week of his activities week.

I think that he'll be looked after well. Overall his college have been pretty brilliant for him. They have given him a lot of oppertunity to socialise and there is such a difference in him from when he first started.

In some ways it'll be nice for me to, to have a bit of a break. I love John but he does love to criticise anything and everything that I do. He's become such a picky person in the last few months, everything has to be just so more than it ever was before and this really doesn't fit in with how I am (very, very messy). I have realised that I just don't do perfect.

Hopefully Hugh will stay away this week. He normally does. I had plenty of oppertunity to annoy him yesterday, which was fun. I did enjoy bringing up my mum's friend's name a lot as well to see Hugh's expression but since I'm so freaked out by that it isn't fun anymore.
Hugh's already decided to ruin Christmas. I can't believe they're arguing about it now. I think this would have to be the earliest it's ever started. I haven't enjoyed Christmas for about the last five years, he always ruins it. I don't understand it, I honestly don't. He has this compulsion to spoil everything.
He booked the cottage in Yorkshire, even though my mum told him not to and now he's saying that she said go ahead and book, when she didn't. What she did say was book it tentatively so we had the choice nearer the time. Now he says he will go by himself. Whether or not he actually will, I don't know. He'll still screw everything up from a distance though.
We're supposed to be going on holiday with him again in a month or so. We're only going because my mum loves the dales so much. I told her yesterday that I think she should cancel it, and we'll find some other wau of going up there. She won't. No one ever listens to me. I wish I had somewhere else I could go for that week. I don't even enjoy hating Hugh this much. I really do. I really want to hurt him.
I hope I never feel that way about anyone else.

Track: Let Go - Frou Frou

I went to the sleepover I was worried about. I had fun. It was a much more relaxing environment because the two most annoying girls weren’t there. I was with people that I had known for quite a while and we all got on and just… had fun.

When I first got there Rose, Ime and Jasmine were sitting around just talking and stuff so I managed to fit in with that quite easily. Then we went out and sorted something out to eat. Rose had told me she was worried about food on the phone because when she goes to Jasmine and Ime’s houses they make a massive effort on food and do something posh and sophisticated. She was worried because she can’t cook despite having done food tech and got an A* on her coursework, lol.
Shopping was… interesting. Ime is very difficult to shop with, but it’s funny. She won’t buy anything unhealthy, because they’re all de-toxing and losing weight for prom and she won’t buy anything that is from different countries because of the air miles and pollution. So… that wasn’t easy. It was kind of funny though, I even made everyone laugh about it at one point with a stupid comment which was kind of surprising. Usually when I say stupid stuff I just get ignored or given funny looks.
On the way back we were talking to this other girl at the bus stop and this scary drunk man came up to us and started telling us how he was a warlock but it was white magic not black and that garlic is good for you and that we should all eat garlic. He then proceeded to eat the garlic that he had. On it’s own. Ew.
So yeah… then we went back to Rose and cooked and ate and after that drank a bit of lambrini and the lush red stuff. We went out for a bit after that down to this Veer Island place. I was kind of worried about it because it’s a teeennyyy bit scary but it turned out the drunk people there were very friendly. This guy called Devon came to talk to us for ages and told us how he did all his GCSEs while stoned. He still got a B in maths. The world is an unfair place.
So we were out for a while, then we went back to Rose’s and watched this French film, Priceless with Audrey Tatou in it. I have decided that I want to look like her. She is too beautiful and it’s really unfair.
Then we slept.

This morning me and Rose watched Garden State, the Zach Braff film I was on about. It’s immense. It is truly, truly amazing and I absolutely loved it. I loved the message that it had and the humour in it and I thought that Natalie Portman was amazing. Especially when Large first goes back to her house, like, the way she talks is so natural. I want to be like her character, Sam. Another thing I liked about it was that Sam was individual in a subtle kind of way. She was just who she was and her unique-ness was shown through her personality, not the way that she dressed. I loved that because at the moment the only way people seem to express individuality is through dress sense and I don’t believe that someone is truly unique if they feel so insecure they have to ram it down your throat constantly. She was just who she was and I loved that about her character.

So soundtrack is brilliant as well. It goes so well with the film and just… I just loved it.

I’m sorry I didn’t describe that well. But yeah.
Here’s the trailer.

I get so excited about stuff. I love it when I see something like Garden State, or hear a peace of music or read a book that I love and I feel so happy. Nothing makes me as happy or as inspired as something like that does. It just takes you away from your life and your problems and gives you a focus. It provides a source of comfort even when you’re not watching it and just gives you this floaty feeling that nothing else can. Stuff like this just makes me feel more… alive? I don’t know. I wish other people got as excited as I do. I know they probably are, but it always seems to be me going on about how amazing it is every five seconds for hours afterwards. Most of the time I can’t put it into words beyond “amazing”. It makes me want to thank the person that made it like a million times over so I can try and get across like… a tenth of the gratefulness that I feel for them having made something that makes me feel completely happy.

Stupid, right?

Track: Screening Process – Lauren Fairweather

The “tea party” wasn’t as bad as I expected, in the end. I can imagine this was partly down to the fact that I only stayed for about an hour. No. Maybe everyone was just nice? I don’t know. There was a lot of “Oh daaaaahling” being thrown about though. I had to try very hard not to laugh/cringe/smack the girl responsible for the majority of them.
The place was beautiful though. It was in Rose’s garden and her mum had decorated all of it for us, which was sweet. They had this picnic bench covered in cakes and glass jugs of orange juice with ice and strawberries and cream and everything. It was really nice and sort of looked like something out of one of my mum’s Country Living magazines.
When I talk about the irritating behaviour of the people that I know I don’t include Rose. While she isn’t exactly outside of the whole my school’s mentality she’s just… different. She doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable, and she is a friend I really want to hang on to (hence my going to these kinds of things).
I think I might be going to a sleepover on Saturday night. I hope it’s fun. I think it’s all the dinner people but probably minus Beany, which scares me slightly. No, it’ll be fine. It is my mission at the moment to become a more social person. Over Easter I got really miserable and lonely and I’m determined for that not to happen. I’ve never felt as bad as I did over that couple of weeks and I never want to feel that bad again. So yeah, socialising is apparently the way forward.

I’m going out with my mum tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it. I finally convinced her that a trip to the osteopath WAS necessary so before she goes to her appointment tomorrow we’re going to have coffee. Should be fun. I say “should” because there is a rather large chance she’ll talk about Hugh or her friend all the way through, which will be frustrating. Her friend was here all day today doing work with her. He freaks me out. I realised today that I am not even more paranoid about him than I was before, which I didn’t think was possible. I was totally analysing everything that he did. And I think my mum totally noticed, but she isn’t saying anything because she knows how much this whole thing is freaking me out. I wish I could make a decision about this. For the last few years I’ve been my mum’s sort of… counsellor person. She tells me everything, literally. I don’t really know what to think about it, to be honest because most of what she says upsets me. But what am I supposed to do? Just stand by and have her not have anyone that she can talk to? That would be horrible. A couple of my friends get pissed off about how much my mum talks to me but I just… I don’t think they understand, for a start. My mum doesn’t exactly have close friends, and I don’t have any older (well, older, older) siblings that she can talk to so… yeah, there’s me.

I don’t know where I’m going with this.

Tomorrow should hopefully be fun. Garden State is on it’s way so I should have that to watch soon. I want to tell someone how excited I am about seeing it but since I talk about Scrubs a lot they might think I have a bordering on unhealthy Zach Braff obsession. I don’t, just to make that clear.

That place is totally taken by Jake from All The Small Things.

Track: End It On This – No Doubt

I just read something that really surprised me. It turns out one my favourite authors, Meg Cabot had a really crappy childhood. I don’t really know why I just assumed that everything was really easy for her – I guess mostly because of the types of books she writes. I was wrong, really wrong. Her dad was like this raging alcoholic and she would come home to him unconscious most days. It took her family a really long time to get away from that. Then when she was in her 20’s she used to work in a university dorm. I knew this because she talks about it ‘cause the Heather Wells series is based on it. Well, while she was there 4 students committed suicide in a year and she had to be in charge of… cleaning up. And on one occasion she even made the joint decision with a police officer not to give a family a suicide note because it was too disturbing.

I never would have thought that and I kind of met her once. Well, not exactly. I was too scared to go up to her because I knew I would say something stupid I didn’t want to make someone I admire think that I am an idiot (even if the memory of my idiocy only lasted a couple of seconds).

She said that the reason she started writing the romance novels was because of how crappy her childhood was. When she was younger, romance novels are what saved her because they so totally take you away from everything.

She was talking about this in the first place because of an article released recently about how much teenage girls love “trauma porn” (miserable books about suicide, etc). People like these books because it enables them to look at other people’s lives and feel better about their own problems, Meg Cabot talked about a friend that she had who loved those books while her parent’s were breaking up. But, for her they were just more depressing. Like, considering how crappy her home life was, why would she want to read about someone else’s problems? So yeah.. romance novels. She said that that is why she writes them, too. She wants to make sure that all the people with the crappy lives get some chance to escape.

Which I think is really nice.

I, however, have no idea where I fit into this. I don’t have a particularly hard time. I just think too much and so need to moan on here all the time so my head doesn’t blow off/ I don’t throw up (which I haven’t done over a problem in over a year! Seriously I think I’m cured, I managed through exams and although I’ve felt kind of crap through I haven’t thrown up! Sad, I know, but seriously, PROGRESS!!!)

I read romance novels and really miserable books. So I don’t know where I fit into that. Also, what does a Sarah Dessen book count as? There is romance in them but books like Just Listen (AMAZINGAMAZINGAMAZING) are based around pretty bad events. Hmm..

Sorry, I know this is probably totally boring to anyone who isn’t me, I just thought it was interesting J

www.megcabot.com/diary (If you want to read the blog this was based on)

Track: Never Said – Liz Phair

Having a very good conversation. Well, sort of. It's sort of good and sort of making me feel really guilty. I like my friends, I really do. They're good people, they are. They're just... different from me somehow. Like, there's this whole thing that they're all involved in that I'm just not... in on. But to be honest, most of my school is like that. Most people there are so pretentious and say "darling" all the time and have these really expensive clothes. They go to these parties all the time in their friends huge houses and they go out for afternoon tea (which incidentally I am doing tomorrow. I'm really worried about it. Thank God I can only stay an hour or so.)

Beany says it's a class gap. I don't know. I don't think it's that. I just think that people are different. I don't know what it is, there's just this difference that I've never been able to put my finger on exactly. Well, until recently anyway. Okay, I got it exactly a couple of weeks ago, after that nightmare of a dinner.

I'm gunna go. I feel a bit confused. I should be looking forward tomorrow.

You know the sad thing, despite the fact that these people wind me up with their lifestyle and make me feel uncomfortable and like they are constantly judging me... I still want them to like me. I'm still really happy that they invited me out even though I'm dreading it.

But at the same time, I want to be with them but I don't want to be LIKE them.

Maybe I should just treat the whole thing as a social experiment. Beany thinks they're all idiots.

Hmm...

Track: Half Jack - The Dresden Dolls

You know when somehow, on a really crappy day you find an album to listen to that is somehow just right?

I did that today.

Puzzle - Biffy Clyro.

So that's kewl. I love music so much. My mum saw this guy at church yesterday that knows a guitar teacher so I might be able to get lessons with him. I'm kind of scared, like, this is something I've wanted to do and I don't want to fail.

Oh god. This person I sort of went out with in year 8 who I realised I didn't actually like at an... awkward moment (He was kissing me) is going to my sixth form. Lol, my solution to the whole thing was to never see him again. That's going to be awkward. Oh no. Oh well. You have to laugh, really.

Track: Living Is A Problem Because Everything Dies
Saturday Superhouse
Who's Got A Match?
As Dust Dances/ 2/15ths
A Whole Child Ago
The Conversation Is...
Now I'm Everyone
Semi-Mental/ 4/15ths
Love Has A Diameter
Get Fucked Stud
9/15ths
Machines - Biffy Clyro

I waited such a long time for this to load. You might think that, because of this I might have something worthwhile to say. You would be wrong. The waiting was only possible because I have now reached a level of boredom so acute, I no longer care about anything long enough to get frustrated.

I have done nothing all day. My mum and John went to church with my mum's friend. I think that my mum's friend only said that he wanted to go because he wants to weasel his way in and duping woman into thinking you actually care about something is so... Well. You know. I've been paranoid about that all morning.
As soon as they all left I realised that I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. Seriously, this morning is the first time I've had the house to myself in a really long time and I was kind of looking forward to it. It has been crap. After they left I just sat staring in to space for ages wondering what to do. In the end I decided that I couldn't be bothered to do anything, that I was going to revise in the afternoon and watch tv in the morning. Then there was nothing on and I didn't know what to do. So I made myself a mocha with the sample thingies we brought (it's only 60 calories with water but tastes WAY better when you do it with milk) and decided to put my DVDs into catogories. This is sad enough but it got even worse when I realised I could actually have a Hugh Grant section. Lol.

I watched Gilmore Girls all morning. John getting back made me realise how incredibly bored I was and now I feel sort of apathetic but worried at the same time. Mum and her friend haven't come in. I guess they must be stood outside talking. Then he'll leave. I am very unhappy about this. I mean, his existance is kind of funny because it really irritates Hugh. I can make comments about how "Oh mum's friend said..." and Hugh looks like someone has shoved a stick up his bum. Very entertaining. Last night was funny. Things are deteriorating between mum and Hugh again (lol, again. Sounds like things were good at one point) and so he was sat in the living room not really speaking to anyone watching All The Small Things with John. I went on a massive rant about what a dickhead one of the guys is in it (he's exactly like Hugh). My mum laughed. I don't know if Hugh got it. He thinks we are unfair to him. But, to be honest, if hadn't been such a wanker in the first place we wouldn't have anything to be horrible about. Although my mum isn't horrible to him, she tries to be nice. He just doesn't appreciate it. I wonder if they're heading for another "break-up". If they do, and I come on here being all happy that he's finally gone can someone please remind me that he hasn't and he'll be back? Actually, I don't I'll even need reminding should they "break-up" again. I just won't believe in it. There's just no getting rid of some people.

And no, I don't know why it is I always end up talking about the same things day after day after day after day after day after day on here.

This website is really pissing me off. The second I finish typing whatever I'm typing it first takes ages to actually come up what I typed and then, when it's done the thing flips back to the top of the page. ARGH IT'S SO ANNOYING!

They still haven't come in.

Track: In Too Deep - Sum 41

I finally went to see Coraline this morning. It is amazing and DEFINITELY something that everyone should see. It sticks pretty well to the book as well, which I liked. I loved the animation too, there was so much depth to it. In the first shot you see the house and everything surrounding the house and the hills in the background.. it looks kind of real and draws you into the scene so well. It's just so good.

I ONLY HAVE 2 EXAMS LEFT! I can't believe it! It's so weird! Like, the last 2 years of work for this.. and now it's nearly done. Not that I'm complaining, I'm so glad they're nearly over. I am also glad, however, that John doesn't finish college 'till the end of June. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother but he is driving me insane at the moment. He has such a finicky personality and he has started being so rude to me and my mum about everything that we do. You know that way that guys have of talking to you that just makes you feel stupid and small? Well, somewhere, my brother has picked up that. I don't even know where, he doesn't spend that much time with men. I think it much just be coded into their minds. Like evolution but in a crappy way. This morning I told him that we might do what he wanted if he stopped being so horrible and rude all the time. I feel bad now. And he's in a bad mood. Sigh. Although he was annoyed with me anyway, I thought I was going out this evening so I got up early and washed my hair, then, 'cause I didn't have anything else to do and I wanted to be nice I did all the washing up from last night and hoovered everywhere downstairs. You'd think this would be a nice thing to but apparently it wasn't, it annoyed John and made him even more awkward than usual. Like I say, I love him but god he's hard work at the moment.

Dad e mailed. My gran's ill. She has a trapped nerve. That makes me even more guilty that I haven't seen her in forever, I just don't want to see my dad. He's too selfish. He has never in his life put me first so why should I make time for him? Okay, so maybe it's true that instead of sitting around doing nothing at his house I sit around doing nothing at mine but.. it's the principal of it. That isn't insane, right? He also said the concert was "worth it". I would have e mailed him back and said that was a good thing too, since he skippped John's birthday for it but I got annoyed and deleted the e mail after I read that and I don't know his address. Lol, I don't even remember his phone numbetr most of the time. He's getting a new job. The current one's too much work for him. He should try being my mum. Maybe he'll move away. He's gone to interviews that are on the otherside of the country before. That's how much he cares about us. And whenever he gets a new job he always gets one that means he has even less time to spend with us. But that's okay, because he's got want he wants. I don't care what he does. I don't want to spend time with him anyway.

We're going out this afternoon because if we don't there's a chance that Hugh and her friend might meet and my mum doesn't want them too because Hugh ruins everything. We ended up having a long talk about Hugh yesterday which wound me up. I hate him, he's horrible and she tries to make it sound like he's a good person. He isn't.

Lunch now. I'm not hungry, lol.

So, like I said. See Coraline, read the book.. whatever. Just do something Coraline related.

My old art teacher died. It was really unexpected. In his sleep. His heart went. He was really weird, but funny. He called me Liddie all the time at it irritated the hell out of me. Plus he always chose vegetables that looked like penises. He was totally aware that he did this. I hadn't talked to him in ages but I only saw him a couple of days ago. And now he's dead. Weird weird weird,.

I'm eating a soya yoghurt. It isn't good.

Track: Everything - Alanis Morrisette (I don't know why but I always listen to this when it rains.)

I screwed up my English exam so bad. And that's not even being being melodramatic. I actually screwed up. Oh no. Crap, crap, crap. After talking it over with mum I thought that maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought but that was a few hours ago so I'm freaking out again now.
Basically I did one of the questions wrong. In paper 2 you have one section on the poems from other cultures (omg, I just realised I never have to read the Anthology again. YAY!) and one question in which you have to explain, inform or describe. Well, I looked at all the questions and nothing instantly lept out at me. Something always leaps out at me. So at this point, being me, I obviously started to freak out. I did a plan for every single task and then in the end went with the describe one. And did it wrong. The idea was that you were supposed to describe a train journey. I didn't. I told the story of a train journey. Which isn't the same! I didn't use metaphors or anything. I had like, a teeny bit of description. What I wrote wasn't that bad, despite all the freaking out I did when I realised at I'd done everything wrong (at which point, I might add, I had 15 minutes left) there was nothing I could do but carry on. So yeah. I've really screwed that up. Why am I so stupid? I wrote a story based on an experience my mum had when she was at university. She ended up sitting next to the nutter on the train (there's always one) and this particular nutter had a thing about feet. It wasn't even a sexual thing, he just really, really liked feet. He made my mum take her shoes on and off loads of times and suggested different brands of shoe horns and stuff. So I wrote about that. There was some descriptive stuff. Just it was more story than description.

Awww I finished the last Princess Diaries today I've been reading those for like 6 years, it's kind of sad that they're all done now. Very sad. Amazing book, but, being Meg Cabot, that is to be expected. There was one slightly frustratig element to it though, which I'm not going to go into because it's vaguely embarassing. It's the kind of thing I could talk about Jemma, but all she reads is Stephenie Myeyer (ARGHHH) so I can't. I saw the New Moon trailer. It was awful. Funny, though.

Track: Moose For A Day - Lena Gabrielle

John still qualifies for tax credit until he's 20 because he isn't leaving college.

Omg. yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay

Everything is going to be okay now!

We're not going to looose our house and I can go to college and yayayayayaya and omg why is NO ONE ONLINE that i can celebrate with?!

omg am crying this is weird

i can't believe everything is going to be okay

I actually can't believe this

I can go to college/ we're not going to loose to house. JOHN can go to college i'm not going to have to suffer the humuiliation of hugh paying for me to go to schoolo yayayayaya

omg.i actually can't believ eit. thankyou god so so so much you didn't leave us i knew you wouldn't and right now i don't care that that freaks someone out omg everythig#s actually going to be freaking okay. can't stop crying. have spent so much time woying about this. everything's allright. omg. omg. this is incoherant. haha. lol. omg. everything's okay.

Camn you belive it?

I DON'T HAVE AN EXAM TOMORROW!

I keep reminding myself of that fact and loving it. I don't have to get up stupidly early to make sure I'm at school by 9!

As for English today I don't think it went as badly as I thought it was going to. All of the time that I spent on Bitesize definitely helped me a lot. I'm glad I did it, and it was kind of nice that all that work reading the How To's over and OVER again was worth it. I had a bit of a melt down when I first went in because John's sick so I've been worrying about him, I keep not getting any sleep and just... everything is scaring me at the moment. I had myself ompletely convinced I was going to fail and then I didn't know what on earth the first question wanted me to do...
I managed to get past it though, that's the important thing. Even though I screwed up the timing (I forgot there were 60 minutes in an hour. I was working on there being 100. Exams do strange things to people. It's not my fault!) I managed to finish with enough time to read over everything at the end which was good. The second task I did everything I wrote was so cheesy. It was writing to advise and was sort of supposed to be a bit silly like that. Kailee said what she wrote was cheesy to, so I guess it's okay.

I got so eggy with revision this afternoon though. I've been trying to get through RE module four and it is vaguely soul destroying. I did it though, and now I'm not doing anything else for the rest of the night. Ha. A lot to do tomorrow, but a whole day to do it in. Being optimistic is good. I hope it's sunny again tomorrow. I'll do revision outside.

Track: Can You Feel It? - David Crowder Band

I seriously do. They have stolen all the jobs, so now I can't get one. I have been turned down by about 9 places so far today. I'm being sent an application by one so I suppose it hasn't been a complete failure.

I went in and took my last maths exam this morning. I don't think it went very well. Once again I managed to be awake for most of last night and this morning I was just a bit... preoccupied. Some stuff decided to hit me at an innapropraite moment so I couldn't really concentrate through most of it. Yeah. Not exactly helpful.

I really want to start the new books that I have but my mum wants me to wait until the end of this week. They are total chick-lit, I can't wait. I got the tenth Princess Diaries and the two E. Lockhart books. A bit embarassing to read something called "The Boy Book" in public but ahh well..
Before I start those books I just have Naruto manga to keep me entertained. I don't know why I'm bothering to read it really since it's pretty much indentical to the anime but I thought that I would. I'm regretting it now because - no offence to Masashi Kishimoto - but until sometime after the chuunin exams Naruto is actually really boring. I decided I was going to read them though, so I have to now. Otherwise I'll feel like a failure.

I'm getting paranoid about losing friends again. I'm not very good at keeping friends. I have them for a while then they change and get bored of me and I think that's happening again so my stomach is all twisty and whatnot.

I have an English exam first thing tomorrow. I've been revising as much as I can since I got home from Maths so I hope it'll go okay. It probably won't since I'll panic the second I get in there.

Track: Leap Of Innocence - Liz Phair