Angst? Me? Never.

I now have an entirely new view of my gran. I always thought that she was maybe a bit too sensible, liked everything a bit too traditional. Not anymore, lol. She lent me her favourite book a while ago, The Devil's Cub by Geogette Hyer and said how it was her favourite book. She said how she loved the main man so I figured he must be the Mr Darcy type. He seriously isn't.

She always says to my mum how she loves the books because people behave "properly" but this guy doesnt. He has sex with loads of random woman and shoots and kills people (which all the other people seem to think is normal? Weird.)

The way the book is written is really funny as well. And I can't quite work out any of the personalities of the characters. And the main girl is a bit annoying.

I can kind of see what my gran means about the guy but her being.. well.. her it's more than a little surprising.

Lol.

My dad hasn't contacted us letting us know what's happening with John's birthday at all. We don't know if he's coming over tomorrow or today. If he comes over in the evening we won't be here 'cause John has the dentist then we have to go to Sainsbury's. And tomorrow we sort of have some plans as to what we're going to do. I can't believe my brother is 19 tomorrow, it's so weird.
Another stupid thing that got said about his birthday, because we went to the car thing a few weeks ago as John's main present Hugh thought that was it for his birthday. He said he thought my mum was working on Saturday and that we had already done something so why shouldn't she? He seriously expects her to ignore John all day. Twat.

I'll try and remember to take some photos tomorrow. I think we're going to the donkey sanctuary but I'm not sure.

Track: No Sunlight - Death Cab For Cutie

My father has excelled himself once again. No, he won't be coming out with us on John's birthday.

Why?

Because he wants to go to a concert instead.

He had better come over at some point. I just e mailed him. I hope it sounds pissed off.

"Are you coming over on John's birthday or not? We're going out in the evening but apparently you're busy."

I don't even know why he surprises me anymore.

I don't understand why I'm letting this ruin my day. I've had fun. Well, I was having fun 'till my mum told me. I still kind of had fun afterwards but it was hanging over my head a bit.

John is at his work experience placement today. That pisses me off too. The shop blatantly have a job for him, they're taking advantage. ANYWAY so me and my mum went birthday shopping for John today. I got him a puppet. Lol, it sounds kind of immature but there's this shop we go to sometimes, The House of Marbles and whenever we go in he heads straight for the puppets. We got him some other stuff too, I hope he likes it. We also found this night light thing which will hopefully solve the whole getting up several times a night situation. It attaches to the fitting in the ceiling and acts like a king of dimmer thing. I dunno, me and my mum will try and figure it out later.
We got him a jumper in Next. I hope it's okay. Me and John love this program called Primeval (chasing dinsaurs. AWESOME) and there's this character in it called Connor. John loves Connor and wants to be like him, this includes dress sense so whenever me and my mum go shopping for him we try and find "Connor clothes". Unfortunately sales assistants don't tend to know what on earth we mean by this .

Last night we all went down to the motor bike trials that Kailee invited me to. It was a lot of fun, her dad is lovely and said that John is welcome to come with him and help any time. He also said that he would have John over and teach him to drive in one of their fields. He was such a nice guy.

I'm worried about my mum. She has inexplicably lost a load of weight. She told me today. She's always skinny so I hadn't really noticed that she had lost any. She told me she noticed this a couple of weeks ago. It's okay though, I'm forcing her into making a doctors appointment. It's not going to be like usual when I fail at this stuff either, 'cause we have to go up there tonight to pick up John's meds anyway so if she doesn't book an appointment herself I am planning to embarass her in front of the receptionist.

Track: Half Jack - The Dresden Dolls

English revision. Sigh. I think I did really badly in my first exam. I know I did.

Basically, for the English GCSE you have 3 exams. In the first, the main focus is on the novel you were studying (Lord of the Flies) and the Anthology. In the first exam you have to write 1 essay about Lord of the Flies and another about poems. You have to do a comparison of 1 Heany, 1 Clarke (sorry but I am now forced to hate you both) and 2 pre-1914 poems. I'm safe in saying it didn't go that great.
Then, in the second exam you have to write 2 more essays. One about the poems from different cultures (also from the damn Anthology) and one about a topic you don't know. In my mock I ended up writing about Meg Cabot. The in the last exam it's all random questions. I hope it's this order. I'm actually not sure. I'll ask Kailee.

Anyway. The point. The point is that I suck at English exams. I can't write essays in a time limit, I just can't do it. They take me forever. I can barely order my thoughts enough to do anything in normal life, how do you expect me to write anything good in 45 minutes while I'm freaking about the fact that OH MY GOD I'M TAKING A GCSE etc, etc. I try and figure out timing, but even if you time yourself really strictly it doesn't actually mean you're going to be finished in the time you gave yourself. It's so crap when despite all your planning you end up behind anyway. I can't do this. I know I'm going to be told to practise, and I know I should have got a ton of practise papers when it became obvious I wasn't going to do any at school. There was revision for that kinda stuff offered after school on Wednesdays but it clashed with physics revision which was the one I really needed to go to. Yeah, the departments at my school don't actually talk to each other much.

I wrote this because I just spent an hour writing ONE SECTION of an essay.

So I'm a bit screwed.

Track: We Won't Be Quiet - David Crowder Band (AMAZINGGGGGGG)

I got just rejected for help getting to college next year.

Okay, fair enough the college I'm going to isn't the one designated for my area but the one that is designated for me DOESN'T HAVE THE COURSES I WANT. And there's the fact that I'm only at the school I'm at now because John went there because it was supposed to be good for special needs. I would have been at the right school if they hadn't of been crap.

The man my mum just phoned up said that we might have a case though because they won't help John either. They won't help John because he's 19 and only just starting at A level course. Obviously they don't take into account the fact that he has special needs and was held back a year in primary school. They're too stupid for that. Despite the fact it's not something we had control over he still ends up being punished for it. I don't understand how they can not have helped. Me, I kind of get but not helping John is just ridiculous.

Why is it that we don't deserve a chance just because we don't have any money? The fact that we don't have any isn't even our fault, it's my dad's. He's the one that went off and left us with nothing. Sorry, not nothing, £15 000 worth of debt on the end of our mortgage.

Once again, I am too pissed off the revise. Great.

Track: Lifestyles Of The Rich And The Famous - Good Charlotte

I spent most of today helping my mum plant a load of stuff in the garden. It was tiring, but worth it because now it looks really pretty. Well, it will do when everything grows, anyway. There were loads of really good offers on at the garden centre too, which worked out well.
John went to dad's so it was just me and my mum for a day. I liked that, I haven't really had much time with her in a non-stressful environment recently so it was good to laugh and stuff.

So after reading Masashi Kishimoto's story about Yuuki-kun I decided that I wanted a plant (although I'm not planning on killing mine with fertiliser.

I decided to call her Cassandra. I don't know why. She smells really, really good and looks pretty so I'm happy. I hope I keep her alive.

Hugh just left the door of the utility room open and the stupid one eyed cat got in and started terroizing the wiggie. Next time I see Colin or Laura I'm going to say something. It's getting stupid now.

Wouldn't have happened if Hugh hadn't left the door open.

Track: Both Hands - Ani DiFranco

OOOH! First of all, even though I might have said this already but oh well I don’t care JOHN WON A PRIZE!!!!! He went to this athletics thing with college during the week and there were over 100 people there but he won best boy! It was because he won the 1500 metres because he was the only one who paced himself. We are so, so proud of him. It’s the first time that his college have ever won a big prize when they’ve gone there as well, so the people on the course were really proud of him as well. I swear I’ve written this already, because now I’m just about to say how I like the man but hate the woman because she speaks to John as though he is an imbecile. Hmm… this is all very familiar. It’s still true though, I don’t know what is wrong with the woman, he has special needs, he isn’t an alien.

Yesterday I officially ended year 11. Am I sentimental? No. Would you like to know why? I am back there a week on Monday to take the second half of my Maths GCSE. There are other reasons, such as I have hated the majority of the time that I have spent there but, in the end, the main reason is that I’m not even leaving. I’m going to the sixth form connected to the school. I’m going back there after the summer anyway, so why be sad? It is weird to think that I’m not going to have a proper day of school for 3 months though. I really have to get my act together as far as having a social life is concerned. And I seriously need to get a job. I tried in Waterstones on Thursday but they didn’t need anybody. I’m going to try and make a CV sometime in the next week or so then get the bus into town when John’s at college (I know it’s mean but if I go any other time he’ll have to come with me and it takes quite a lot for me to ask for things like jobs so I would rather be on my own.) and try in a load of places. There’s lots of cafes and stuff so hopefully I’ll find something.

I guess my leavers day had it’s good and bad parts. First thing in the morning was a bit annoying because people kept passing me books saying “write me a messaaageee, I’m going to miss you soooooo much!” and I am really bad at doing the whole sentimental messaging thing. I had quite a lot of fun laughing at the things that Rose wrote though. Next we had the final assembly, it was kind of sad ‘cause Kailee couldn’t be there ‘cause the German exam was timetabled for that day. I won an award for excellence in Child Development. Yay. I did get a £5 WHSmiths voucher though, so I’m going to buy a book (Princess Diaries 10 finally YAY yes it’s sort of girly etc etc but I love Meg Cabot and I don’t careeee) so I’m pretty happy about that.
Then came Woodlands. The first part was (argh) pretty fun but it all got better once Kailee’s exam finished and she arrived. I guess I just have more fun when she’s around. I think her coming broke up the group a bit as well, which was definitely a good thing because this really difficult extremely totnes-ey (if you live anywhere near me you will know exactly what that means) girl Lara was with us, and she kept getting really stressy with everyone. The rest of the day after that was pretty much spent on the water slides. I got very wet. I was still wet when get went out for dinner with everyone in the evening.

Then after Woodlands I stayed behind and helped Beany get the yearbook finished. I’m not on the yearbook committee but most of the people that are don’t bother doing anything so I told Beany that I would help out. I’m glad I did, actually. It was fun doing all the photos and stuff. I’m still annoyed about mine. I missed my year 11 photo because it was after Spring Harvest when I was a bit nuts so I wasn’t in school. Now there is only my year 7 photo that is going to be in there and that is such a bad photo I don’t even want to talk about it. I don’t photograph well anyway but this one is particularly terrible. What a nice way for people to remember me. Ah well.

Then there was the dinner, the place in which I ultimately realised that I hate my friends. Me and Beany were talking about how we feel slightly… different from the other people in our friendship group thing anyway purely because they live in REALLY different circumstances to us (they’re all loaded and live in 2 parent families etc etc) and the whole evening just showed me how much I didn’t fit in. And now I think about it? I don’t even want to. Right.. where to start. Well, I got to Rose’s house and they all seemed to have spent the whole time that I was helping with the year book getting ready (more than 3 hours) wearing expensive vintage clothes and perfect hair while I was sitting in clothes that were still wet from a waterslide. Even if I wasn’t wet I don’t have posh clothes, I buy what I need, we don’t have enough for anything else. Then (I’m saying then a lot, I know) when we got to the restaurant the first thing that happened was this stupid, pretentious (from now on that word is going to be used a lot too) couple gave me a “What are YOU doing HERE?!” look and I wasn’t even being paranoid, because Jemma (another person who didn’t exactly fit, but knows herself too well to care) saw it as well. She just thought he was an arsehole but it really upset me. Then I properly looked at where we were and realised a hole in the floor opening would definitely have been a blessing. It was full of rich Totnesians and Dartington arts students and ARGH 40 year old men wearing stupid t-shirts with suits and trilby hats to hide their stupid bald heads and many other stupid, skinny pretentious girls who all looked EXACTLY THE SAME in their baggy cardigans and tight jeans and boots.
Then my friends started being… annoying. They’re all pretty posh anyway but when we got into the restaurant they went nuts. I was pretty close to loosing it anyway because of how ridiculous the whole situation was but then Jess leaned over and said “What are having, Ime darling.” And I could no longer hold myself in. I laughed. A lot. Beany did too but no one understood why and I upset Ime but considering how she was the rest of the night I don’t think I care anymore. The whole thing went on, me and Jemma decided to share a pizza and ended up paying £10 each for something half the size of a pizza you could buy in Sainsbury’s for less then a quarter of the price. And the conversation OMG it was so… argh. Even Beany got involved in this. All they talked about was guys ALL NIGHT! I’m not even kidding and they were just being so… pretentious in the way that they were acting and talking so loudly and poshly just to make sure that everyone in the place knew that they were there and that they should be. And Jess is so annoying. Yes, she’s a pretty girl but my god doesn’t she know it. Then eventually we left and Beany and Jemma wanted to go down to the chip shop to get some affordable food that would actually fill them up (I was going to as well but I was getting so wound up with everyone and contemplating chopping off Jess’s head if she didn’t stop flicking her bloody hair that I had stopped being hungry.) So we got to the chip shop and Ime and Jess REFUSED TO GO IN because they said it was a chivvy place and they would never step foot in their on principle. Snobby bitches. Then when we were walking back to Rose’s house Beany was on the phone with her mum and she said “Bye bab” and this other girl that is with us went “Bab! How colloquial!” I could have hit her. Who even says things like that?! PRENTENTIOUSNESS AGRGHHH!!! Then we got back into Rose’s house and 3 of the girls would stood in front of the mirror posing at and flicking their hair for about 10 minutes. They just stood staring at themselves thinking about how “hot” they were.
Then eventually I got to leave. Rose knew that I hated every second of it. I don’t think that she’s like those girls. I know she isn’t. She isn’t as ignorant as them and I have the feeling that she got bored during that meal because she started messing with her camera but… she wants to be like them. Their lives, the expensive meals, the constant need to validate themselves by going to parties and getting off with random guys because no one would ever like them enough to go out with them in real life… (harsh but true. They’re all just too annoying) Well, Rose seems to want that and it kind of worries me.

Lol, the fact that I got on with all of them at Rose’s party and thought we were going to make friends properly shows how drunk I really was.

There is just this whole superiority thing in certain places around where I live. Totnes and Dartington are terrible for it. They thing they are so clever, and different, and artistic and they put so much into their personal image. They’re all loaded because they have rich dad’s and spend their lives pretending like they deserve the things that they have when they just don’t. They don’t know ANYTHING and they all seem so ignorant of what real life is.

For example, this is a conversation I overheard when I went into the toilets (which funnily enough weren’t even that nice).

Girl 1: Oh hi! How are you?

Girl 2: Oh, I’m great thanks. I just got back from ski season.

Girl 1: Wow!

Girl 2: Yes, and I’m going to New Zealand next week.

Girl 1: Brilliant. I’m going out to Australia soon!

Girl 2: Oh? I’m going there after New Zealand. Probably in April.

Girl 1: Great! Have fun. I’ll see you soon!

Who even lives like that? Ski season?

I don’t really know what point I’m trying to make here. In a way I’m sort of glad things are hard here sometimes, because I wouldn’t want to be like the people that I saw yesterday. I want to appreciate the things that I have and not be self centered and fake. It just all seems so pointless – they have all this money that they could use to really make a difference and yet all they are interested in is ski season. I never, ever want to be like that.

Track: Untouchable Face – Ani DiFranco

John has been at this athletics thing all day with college and we just got back from picking him up. He won best male out of EVERYONE! It was because he knew he had to pace himself on the 1500 metres while everyone else didn't. We are so, so proud of him. Being at college has really got him into sports. I love the guy that runs his course, he's so lovely and supportive and he speaks to John like he would speak anyone else unlike the woman (ARGH I HATE HER!) who runs it who speaks to him like he is imbecile (he isn't).

I'm so proud of him

Track: All The Small Things - Blink 182

I got one half of my media and my biology exams over with today. I felt like they went okay, which is worrying me slightly. Well, biology more than media. Media was actually really good. You get the paper in advance so you just have to vaguely memorize the essay that you wrote then reproduce it in the exam. I think I managed it. I had about quarter of an hour to spare as well which was nice, it meant that I had the chance to go through things and check I hadn't written anything stupid (I had) and check punctuation etc. I still feel like it was all right. Tomorrow I have to get tasks 3 & 4 done. For task three I have to write about why the Quiz Show that I made up would appeal to my target audience and then I have to story board a trailer. I always get the worst marks for my trailers because I can't draw to save my life. My people look like aliens.

I HAD MY LAST MATHS LESSON EVER TODAY!

Well, in school anyway. And yesterday I finally finished my horrible PE with the people that yell at you all the time because you're crap. I thought I'd got out of doing it because I just didn't take any kit in but apparently OFSTED had a go at them about the amount of people that don't do PE so they had spare kit for me. Well, they had a t-shirt anyway. I embarrassed myself a bit when they gave me the spare kit because it looked really small and given everything that I've eaten lately I'm not exactly small. The teacher thinks I'm nuts. So after the kit fiasco I was late onto the astro and we were playing softball. I had no idea what softball was or how to play it so within a few minutes I was being shouted and sworn at by some idiot chav boy about the fact that I wasn't doing anything. Then they made me stand on one of the bases. I told the guy that told me I had to go over there that I couldn't catch but he said just go over there anyway but STILL yelled at me when the ball went sailing right past me and I failed to get near it. Then one of the idiot MASSIVE people on the batting team ran into me and practically knocked me over and didn't even apologize. THEN by some miracle I caught someone out then didn't know what to do. I had the ball in my hand but people were still shouting at me so I threw it to someone else. You're not supposed to do that. How was I to know I was supposed to put me foot on the base? No one told me. So then I had about 20 angry chavs screaming at me all at once. Even the batters were yelling which I thought was quite weird, since me being crap meant that their guy wasn't out. I managed to get out of batting. I just told the people who didn't automatically shove me out the way that the end of the queue was just in front of me. When the one decent guy on the whole team asked me why I wasn't taking part I just pointed out how great I was and he left me alone.

But it's over now, thank God.

If I had of been able to bat I would loved to have smashed the ball in the bowler's (same guy that ran into me) stupid smug face.

Oh yeah, and I hate Hugh. I know I've said this before but he's really outdoing himself at the moment. He's critisiing my mum constantly. He's even telling her that shes a bad Christian all the time when he doesn't even know what being a Christian means. It's just... that's all she's got really. I hate that he's ruining that for her as well. He ruins everything. I already know that my Christmas this year is going to be crap. He booked the crappy house in Yorkshire for Christmas despite that fact that my mum told him not to and is now wondering why no one wants to go. Plus Tony is coming over AGAIN. Why can't he just stay in Australia?

Men suck. Things are the way that they are because Hugh never wanted to be involved, for ages my mum got depressed and tried really hard to make him part of everything but he never tried, he never wanted any of what we have. Now no one cares anymore, and leaves him alone LIKE HE WANTED he suddenly thinks my mum is being unfair. He's making her believe that she is being unfair and it makes me so angry that I have to do stupid things and hurt myself because I can't hurt him. I hate him and my dad. ALL OF THEM, you just all think that you can live your lives in exactly the way that you want and that no one else matters. Other people don't exist the cater to your needs while you sit back and do nothing and then you get "oh bloody woman" BLOODY men. I'm sick of being so angry all the time.

I don't even like swearing.

Why didn't I get a dad like Jemma's? Carl is so nice. If I had a decent dad then there wouldn't be a Hugh. ANYWAY.

Stop whining.

I'm sorry. Just whenever I talk to people about my problems after listening to theirs for hours on end they change the subject. Which is so nice.

Track: Half Jack - The Dresden Dolls

I'm just doing some Biology revision, and was reading about Frederick Banting and Charles Best, the guys who extracted the stuff from the pancreas that had insulin in and helped all the diabetics of 1922.

I was just kind of wondering how it would feel to know that you had improved the quality of life for people in that way. They must have felt pretty good about themselves afterwards. In their testing on animals it sounds like they didn't even kill many 'cause they tested it on diabetic dogs, whoc it helped.

Hmm..

Track: Come As You Are - Nirvana

My mum said that if I talked to him about it he would argue that he only left because my mum told him to, and that if she hadn't then he would still be here supporting us.

But that's not right. What the hell does that even have to do with us? Yeah, he went but that doesn't mean that we stop being his kids. Just because he wasn't with my mum anymore didn't mean he had to stop being there for us.

Then my mum goes on that it's because of how he was brought up. He was one of those stupid miracle babies, 'cause my gran thought she couldn't have kids. So what? He should have been there and he never has been.

I've never stayed at his house. I've never seen him for longer than an afternoon. In 16 years. He had 3 bedrooms in his new house, the one he got with Mandy. He turned one into an office and the other into a bedroom their friends stay in when they come down.

Although, really, none of this "evidence" really matters. The fact that he went two months without contacting us pretty much sums up everything.

Part of the reason that my parents divorced was because of money. My dad went into this stupid business with this man called John Head which failed. He had to remortgage the house to do it, and didn't tell my mum. The business went wrong within the first couple of months, leaving us with £15 000 of debt. For a while John Head was paying part of it back to us, but that mysteriously stopped after the divorce. My dad is a very petty man, so I can guess why this happened.

Ok. I've done getting mad and crying. I really have to do some revision now.

Track: The Kill - The Dresden Dolls

I hate my stupid stupid dad. He is such a selfish bastard. Why have I spent half my life worrying about money when he never has to worry about ANYTHING?! You know he only gave us half the money he should have this month because he spent the other half. He said he'd give us more later but he hasn't. Selfish bastard. And it's totally obvious he's spent the whole lot of DVDs and other shit for himself. That's what he always does. We filled out a form this morning to try and get me help for travelling to college next year, but they're going to say no. I know that they are. And to be honest, bus fares are so expensive the EMA I'll get won't be enough. We have to pay for loads of John's schooling next year because the system is shit and because they haven't helped enough we have to pay for more schooling. I hate my stupid dad. I hate him I hate him I hate him. Why did he go off and start a whole new life and leave us with nothing? Nop, actually. No, I'm forgetting. He didn't leave us with nothing, he left us with all of HIS debt, which we are STILL paying off by the way. I hate him so much because I'll never be able to say any of it. Next time I see him I'll have to pretend that I don't feel this way. I hate him. I hate him so much.

I just accidentally went on at my friend for ages.

ARGHH. I now have to consentrate on stupid Lord Of The Flies but I can't because I'm too angry.

Track: Girl Anachronism - The Dresden Dolls

Today I had a very surreal experience. My media teacher apologised. Genuinely. Just to me, on my own. I’m still freaked out.

Okay, so. Today he came up with some of the normal crap he does, the word “retard” was used heavily and I got upset, as I do but didn’t say anything because I’m stupid. This girl in my class, Anna, saw that I got upset. I’ve sort of had a rant to her before because she’s been in the vicinity when I’ve been pissed off with it and she decided to say something. She did it really subtly, she called him over then whispered something. It didn’t immediately register that it was about me so I didn’t really think about it. Then in the same instant that I realised what had happened my media teacher said that he wanted to talk to me and took me outside on my own. Then he apologised and asked what he had said that upset me and what upset me generally and just… talked about it. I was so freaked out by the whole thing I ended up being honest and saying a lot of what I’ve said on here (but less rudely) and then went on to being worried about John starting his drama course next year. The whole thing was so, so weird. Plus I just realised that everyone in there was probably talking about it while I was gone because Anna whispering what she whispered hadn’t gone unnoticed and people were trying to get her to say what she had said. Huh. Weird, weird, weird, weird, weird.

As of today I never have to speak Spanish again. I took my reading and listening exams today. I can honestly say I have no idea how they went. I’m still annoyed that I had to do higher reading though, it was out of what I can do and I shouldn’t have been put in for it but I suppose there isn’t anything that I can do about it now. I’m kind of glad I didn’t have time to write about it when I found out (at least, I don’t remember that I did) because that would have been one embarrassing, panicked post. I’ve taken my first RE exam as well. I had it on Tuesday. I think that it actually went quite well. I pretty much finished, apart from forgetting (and I am kicking myself for it. Repeatedly.) to put in my own opinion on the last discussion question because I was worried about not having enough time to check through and edit stuff. I wrote about 11 pages.

I’m having a night off. I shouldn’t be, I have too many exams next week but I am going to stop anyway. I’ve tried really hard and I think I sort of deserve it. I’m too freaked out to concentrate properly anyway. I’m so glad that that was my last media lesson, it would have got so awkward if it wasn’t. Oooh, I also had my last Child Development lesson today. I got full marks on my coursework (sorry if I’ve said that already.) which was kind of nice because it makes it seem worth it. Well, my teacher gave me full marks, whether or not a moderator will is a bit unknown.

So… I think that that would be it for life at the moment. Sort of, anyway. Oh, yeah. My mum said that her life will be pointless when I leave, which was nice of her. That’s just the kind of thing I want to be feeling guilty about when my life eventually starts.

The day after my RE exam my teacher set us up with this guy called Hector, who gave us a talk about travelling in our gap years. It was inspiring. Really. He made it seem like it could actually happen.

Hector’s website: http://www.ugap.co.uk/

It was amazing. There are ways of going that make it not incredibly expensive. Like, it doesn’t seem like something that’s only accessible to rich Totnes kids anymore. I’m excited. Kind of scared at how much I was to go, but excited all the same. Travel journalism would be amazing. But I’m not going to think about that too much, I’m not good enough at writing and I already decided to be a nurse (because I’m not smart enough to be a doctor…)

I go on study leave after next week.

Next week is horrible.

On Monday I have maths, on Tuesday I have English Lit (Lord Of The Flies, crap poems etc..). On Wednesday I have Media and Biology and on Thursday I have Media. I am so scared. Really really really really really scared but on Friday I’M GOING TO WOODLANDS! It’s a year 11 trip. Fun. I love Woodlands.

http://www.myspace.com/lisahannigan The latest person I’m obsessed with. She’s the girl who sings with Damien Rice a lot (9 Crimes etc).

Track: Some Suprise - Lisa Hannigan

... the night before.

Rose & Ime's party... I had fun. Well, sort of. I would say I had fun for half of the evening.

I got drunk for like the first time ever. It was fun. Like, I knew when to stop so I wouldn't throw up but there are sort of gaps in my memory. I know that I talked a hell of a lot and apparently kept telling me that I was really happy. And sort of groped my friend BUT she told me to! AND I didn't do it first even though she is now saying I did. I swear I didn't. There was someone else there too, but I can't remember who it was. Then people started coming up to me and goin "Omg Lydia's drunk!" which made me start worrying at the back of my head about my mum and stuff.

I sobered up though. I was drunk near th beginning of the evening when it got to about midnight I was fairly sober. When I got sober I started worrying about everyone again. And apologising, my friend Rich had basically been keeping an eye on me all evening which I felt kinda bad about. He's such a sweet guy. Anyway, sober me started worrying about everyone, in particular this guy Jake. He was incredibly drunk, we had to drag him back inside from a neighbors garden and stop him from hitting people and stuff. When we got him back in the house I shoved him into the bathroom at sat with him for ages, giving him water etc. It was a little weird since I hadn't ever actually talked to him before but considering how the rest of the evening had gone it didn't really occur to me to feel shy. So yeah, I just sat with him for ages. He kept saying how he was sorry he was ruining everything for me. Lol, I just told him he wasn't then asked him if he wanted me to stay... he said yeah, so I did. I was a little worried because he was being a bit of a prick to Beany and violent with his friends but he was really nice to me... so yeah. THEN Rich got drunk so I had to look after Alex who he was supposed to be looking after at the same time as comforting Rose because she was freaking out because her house was getting so messy. Then this guy who used to be in my form but dissapeared decided to get his dick out in front of me so I got away from him and walked in on Rich and Jess erm.. getting friendly but somehow DIDN'T EVEN REALISE so was just sat in there with them staring at me. Still. Jess said that was good really because she didn't want to have sex yet.

So yeah. That was my night. It took forever to get people to leave and cleaning up this morning was horrible. It took forever.

And now I feel bad. My mum thinks that she killed my rabbit and keeps thanking me for being such a sensible person when in fact I'm not. She'd freak if I actually told her about last night. I don't know why I feel bad. No one else does. It's just... I'm not my mum. Yeah, we're similar but the differences are becoming more apparent to me. I don't think I can always be sensible. I spend so much time worrying about everything, it was just nice to be stupid for a while. Does that make me selfish? Or bad? I don't think so. I hope not, anyway. Me and my mum are so like.. involved with each other all the time but... I need to be my own person too. Then I feel bad for that.

I need to do some revision and eat something. My stomach isnt entirely happy this morning though so I don't really want to.

I have so much in my head. I'm so suprised that Rich looked after me last night. I'm not really used to being looked after or whatever by guys.

Last night was so not what I was expecting.

Track: Outside World - Lauren Fairweather

My rabbit died.

He went into the vets yesterday but I thought I would be going to get him today. I always do because he always gets better. But he didn't because he died.

I've had him since I was eight.

I didn't even say bye properly because I thought I would be going to get him today.

I mean, he was really sick but I just thought he would get better because he always does.

I have to go to my friends 16th tonight. I didn't want to go in the first place and I don't want to even more now.

I should be revising, I have my spanish oral on Tuesday.

I'll revise tomorrow. I'll just tell Rose I have to leave early tomorrow so I can get some done. She'll understand.

I can't believe he died.

My mum's still in London. The interview was good. She phoned up and told me. About Smudge dying. She's upset too and she's on her own on a train.

I'm gong to go and waste my day now.

Track: Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs