Angst? Me? Never.

Swine flu (is that even how you spell it?) is in Paington College now and my mum is freaking out since that is very near where we live. I know that I should porbably be worried, since I am a worrier but I'm not. I feel sorry for the people suffering with and for their families but I'm not that concerned for myself just now.

Sometimes I think people just want some kind of impending doom. There have been so many of these things, last year we were all going to die of bird flu and before that it was SARs. Somehow I've survived all those so I think I'm gunna be fine.

I got my media exam today (we get it before the actual exam so we can plan and write out what we're going to say, we then have to reproduce it in exam conditions) so I had better go and start doing that. I have to make up an interactive quiz show, and, of course, I have no ideas whatsoever.

The maths mock went crap.

Track: No One Like You - David Crowder Band

It was my best friend's birthday today and I didn't see her AT ALL! She had an art exam all day and then when she could have come out at lunch I had to do media work. I have to give a presentation tomorrow. Yes, I am scared. I'm working with Doidge though, so it's not like I'm standing up there on my own.

I have to be quick because I have to get back to my revision at six. It's kind of insane, I get back from school and start right back on with it again. I hate it. My exams officially start next week so I don't think I'll be around much. Like, I'll probably freak out a bit on here but I don't think I'll be reading anything much for the next few weeks, sorry . I promise I do care what everyone is doing, I just sort of have to get these damn GCSEs out the way.

I have a maths mock tomorrow so I'm revising for that. I got home and did 50 minutes maths then chemistry homework and at six I have to do another hour of maths then I get to stop at seven and watch Scrubs. THEN after dinner I have to do half an hour of spanish revision (learn one new question and revise old ones) then my mum is going to help me make a timetable because I am totally incapable of organising myself. She's told me exactly what to do since I've been home, lol. I can organise other people, just stuff gets jumbled up in my head when it's to do with me.

Gtg. Byeeee xxxxxx

Track: She - Green Day

I HAVE 10 EXAMS BEFORE I GO ON STUDY LEAVE!!!!!

I’m doing Spanish questions at the moment. Or at least I should be, I wrote two sentences then started writing this so I suppose I’m not doing very well. Add that onto the fact that I should have had this Spanish written half way through year 10 and I’m doing rather crap really. It’s not my fault. Okay, it is, but I can’t help it. People like me fall under the radar because I’m not loud, so the school don’t actually know that I’m kind in trouble and not dealing with the work particularly well.

Speaking of work, we STILL haven’t finished our additional science course and we should really be on revision now. It has become so bad that we actually have to start doing Chemistry in our Biology and Physics lessons because the school have only just appeared to realise that we have been doing the same thing (rates of reaction, if you’re interested) all year. They’ve given us a new Chemistry teacher too, which was nice of them. He can just about control the class, which is more than the woman we used to have could but to be honest, since it’s April, was there really any point?

I got a B on my Spanish coursework. That was a nice shock. Lots of people stayed the change their coursework because there was still a chance of getting a higher mark and I was like the only one that didn’t have to. I could have, but I wouldn’t have ended up with an A anyway because the things I could have changed were accuracy and all changing them would have done was land me like 2 marks away from an A. It was nice to do well first time for a change. And I did better than Beany. Not that I care because I am not getting involved in her petty over competitive-ness. Mwa ha ha.

We might be in trouble. My family, I mean. It’s all very stupid because we haven’t actually done anything wrong but there it is. Stupid carers allowance people. Basically my mum rang them up a few days ago because with the way things are at the moment with trying to make sure we have enough money for the future (just to remind you, we stop getting most of John’s benefits in the next couple of months) she is earning too much now to get it anymore. When she phoned them up she talked to this really stupid, eggy man with an Alan Carr voice who got annoyed because he says that she didn’t tell them she had gone self employed. Apart from the fact that she thinks that she did tell them, when she went self employed her earnings didn’t change. The wages were crap when she worked at pre-school and they’re still crap today. Now, they’ve sent her a load of forms to fill out for the last 3 years (which I think is kind of funny since the allowance they gave her was kinda there because there was no time to do anything or work full time) and there is the slight (but thankfully, very small) possibility of them wanting us to pay back the last 3 years worth. Which would be very bad in the long term. In the short term all the forms are a pain in the arse because they are difficult to fill out, it’ll probably take about 3 days which my mum needs to spend working (people don’t seem to quite understand the term deadline) and there just ISN’T TIME.

And, as usual, I am completely powerless and can do absolutely nothing to help.

Ha. We’re worrying about this and my dad just texted me moaning about how he lost a golf game. I so want to write back with “Oh well, could be worse. You could have to spend three days writing out pointless forms you don’t understand for the carers allowance people when you HAVEN’T EVEN DONE ANYTHING WRONG!” I think I might actually. Although I made a comment about how he should be contacting John in my last text and he hasn’t said anything like Yes Lydia, I’ll Do That In An Attempt To Prove To You That I Am Not A Totally Self Absorbed Prick.

Wrote out the text but didn’t send it. It occurred to me that he might sympathise or make a comment about his not having any time either (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha) which would only piss me off more.

Oh yeah, and I want to punch Rose’s dad, simply because, from what I hear, he is turning into mine. Why are men such selfish bastards?

Urgh. I hope my wisdom teeth aren’t going to be annoying. They only came through recently and one of them has started aching a lot. Not like sore coming through kind of hurting, but throbbing acheyness. I hope it sorts itself out by tomorrow, I have to go and watch touring cars. That is crappy enough without my mouth hurting. Ah well, revision here, revision there. It doesn’t matter where I am, really.

Now I really have to get back to my Spanish.

Track: ...Neverending... - David Crowder Band

Well that's just great.

My tutor just told me that my foundation maths GCSE is about equal to the 11+ exam that kids that want to go to the grammer school have to do.

So what I can barely bloody do now 10 year olds are being tested on.

"That hurts a bit now, doesn't it Lydia. It was quite mean of me to tell you that."

I don't know whether to cry, laugh or throw something.

I'm laughing.

Well, if all goes terribly wrong at least I can start year 7 at the grammer school.

I cannot describe how very dispondent I now feel.

What is the point?

Track: What's My Age Again? - Blink 182

I went back to school today. It was actually a really, really hard thing to do since I managed to get tearful before I even got there. I got upset because my mum is being incredibly sweet to me and I just don't feel like I deserve it. I upset her, as well, because I'm sad and I can't talk to her about it. I understand why she is upset that I won't talk with her, I mean, I always have in the past but with this I just can't. She would instantly blame herself when it isn't her fault. It's all internal and to be honest, me feeling guilty for making her feel guilty isn't exactly helpful, is it?
So anyway, there was that before I even got there and then there was actually facing my friends. I've spent the last couple of weeks feeling resentful towards them because they all appear a lot more... at peace with themselves than I am. Plus I only ever see them in school which has made me really paranoid that I'm just someone that they put up with, not someone that they actually want around.
The whole day started off pretty badly, I got set an essay in english that I couldn't write a word for, it was on the stupid Anthology poems that I'm crap at anyway and the ones that we were supposed to be writing about we hadn't run through in class so I didn't even understand what they were about. The Anthology poems are ever so slightly... obscure. Then I had media.. that was okay. It was boring, because we didn't really do anything but I've had some good news. Lol, I actually can't believe it but I have managed to get 114 out of 120 for my coursework! It's really good for me because media isn't a subject that I find easy. I stress about it so much and the fact that something has actually come out of all that worrying.. lol, it makes a change.
Erm then... to sum up (lol) I freaked out in maths and then phoned my mum and asked her to take me home but then realised that would involve going to the nurse. The nurse knows me because I had to find a counsellor through her a couple of years ago and on seeing me would probably realise that I was freaking out. Plus at the point I actually felt like I would cry if anyone spoke to me and I have done the sitting in the nurses room bawling my eyes out before so I DEFINITELY do not want to do it again. Then my mum helped me. She just talked to me for a while until I felt better and I managed the rest of the day.
Urgh. What is wrong with me? I need my mum to get me through a school day? I think I am regressing.

I attempted to talk a bit about Spring Harvest at school. The subject got changed. I don't even know why because I didn't start going on about christianity or anything so I don't think there was anything in there that could have made anybody start to feel awkward. I'm am too, too paranoid. And very worried that I'm going to say something stupid and alienate my friends. Argh. Please let this be over soon.

Although on the subject of Spring Harvest this guy there told me something really kewl. There is this healer guy he has read about who heals people by punching them in face (lololol) but it actually works. Some bacteria was put onto his hand and it just died.
This guy told me so many amazing stories. He's pretty amazing himself, though, so it's hardly suprising. I can honestly say that I've never met anyone like him. He is so passionate and sure about his faith... I'd love to be that way. I did in fact embarass myself by saying something to that effect. Honestly, I can barely say anything at all to anyone when I'm at Spring Harvest and then when I speak it's me saying something embarassing. He seemed to think it was sweet though, he gave me a hug. I'm such an idiot.

And oh my god. My exams start in like 2 weeks.

Track: The World Is Black - Good Charlotte

Today my mum wanted me to walk him on my own (my dog). She never normally lets me do this, because to tell the truth, Barney is a psychopath. For some reason she thinks if he went for another dog or whatever else offended him that I would let go of the lead (I wouldn't). But anyway, today she said she was really busy and it would be helpful if I would take him out.

He didn't want to go with me.

Really.

I had to drag him round the village.

Yes, it was embarassng. Kind of depressing as well.

Oh god. I have to go to Spring Harvest tomorrow. I'm really, really, really scared. I don't want to go. All the people there are too different from what I'm used to. Plus I had this plan to be all greatly improved by the next time that I saw them all, and I'm not, I'm even worse. I'm even more shy and awkward than I was this time last year, I swear. Plus some of the people my mum works with are kind of... stare-ey. Like, I got stared at a lot and I didn't know why. And it's un-nerving. They all make me so nervous. Crap, crap, crap.
Plus the food at Butlins is god awful. Honestly, it's terrible. As is Butlins itself. But whatever, I have a lot of good books.
I started a book called The White Darkness yesterday. So far I really love it. The main character, Sym, is in totally different circumstances from me but I really get her. Like, there are all these descriptions of freaking out when people come up and talk to you when you aren't expecting it... it's kind of embarassing to read, but the things that are described... Well, I've been in that position more times than I want to think about.
It isn't some stupid Shy Girl Gets Confident cheesy crap, either. There is sinister stuff going on as well, I just loved that part, because it makes me feel vaguely more normal. Sym lives in her imagination like me, too. Her best friend is a guy in her head who died over a hundred years ago.

And finally, although no one will have a clue what I'm talking about (Primeval):

OMG Cutter is dead?! How an they kill Cutter off?! Cutter is the main guy! He does everything! First Steven, now Cutter. Jeez they aren't gunna have anybody left! And when will Conner and Abbey get it together? Really. And the new body guard type guy is such a knob. And just OMG. Why couldn't they have killed that stupid annoying woman who used to be Jenny or something and then came back as whoever she is now? I hate her. She's so annoying.

I'm getting a new EP. Lena Gabrielle. She is usually The Butterbeer Experience, a wizard rock band thing. I really like her voice. And now I have something to keep me entertained in the car tomorrow.

Oh god. Spring Harvest. I'm so scared.

AND I'm going to miss various tv things including hot Jake from All The Small Things.

I am beginning to accept I have no life. Lol, I got depressed yesterday, when I went on facebook and saw all the plans my friends have made that I haven't been included in. But who cares. It doesn't matter. My life is better in my universe anyway.
I guess I should just be grateful that they put up with me at school.
It's my own fault.

Track: Oh Shit - Lena Gabrielle

I know that you're probably not supposed to say this if your actually a teenager, as it gives people ammo against you but DEAR GOD I am hormonal at the moment.

Up down up down up down up DEAR GOD THAT GUY IS HOT up down up dpwn weird dream up down up down OMG HOT GUY up down up down up down down down down down down down down down up up HOT GU up up up down down down down moreweird dreams down and it goes on....

Today has been pretty good. I felt awful this morning but I've gradually got better as the day has gone along. I am taking my child development coursework over to my teachers house tomorrow and then I will be rid of it. I have pretty much sorted half of my spanish. I'm stll not ready for Spring Harvest, but I'm never going to be ready for that.

my friend has such bad taste in men. She's the same one I was on about earlier in the week. She has now gone out with someone (in the same friendship group) who is the whiniest, most pathetic, stalkerish guy in our year. And she's worried because she doesn't like him as much as she liked the guy she liked before the one I was on about earlier in the week (this is all one group of guys). Apparently I have given her the best advice out of everyone. Since I'm probably one of the only girls she knows who has never actually been in a relationship, I thought this was pretty funny. All I said was "I read too much" and she lauged.

She probably thinks I'm kidding.

I'm not

Track: Anything But Ordinary - Avril Lavigne

I have been attempting to look after my mum today, and I'm tired. She makes it so impossible.
She has had a really bad back for the last few days, and rather than going to get it sorted out when she actually could, she's waited until the Easter weekend for it to get really bad and everywhere to be closed. And to make it even better, she's waited so long that we can't even go and see someone on Tuesday, because we have to go to Spring Harvest where she constantly has to energetically work for 5 days which, unfortunately requires a lot of movement.
So today I finally snapped and half way through walking to dog, something she still insisted on doing, because she thinks not being as active as usual for 2 days means she has got fat and made her go home and lie down. Because of course, this meant not doing work she wouldn't do it so we came to a convinient if very boring comprimise. She lay down while I looked up stuff for her. After about an hour of this she said she felt better and was just going downstairs for a drink I thought, okay, why not, maybe walking around will help. Then I heard to hoover start. So then I got angry and shouted at her and did hoovering AND THEN while I was doing hoovering she went and started washing up so then I had to yell at her again and then eventually she went and lay down again.
Except now she has to do work that I can't help with, so she's on her computer doing that the moment. She says that lying down helped though, and she isn't walking as weird as before which is a plus.

My dad came round and took John out today. Still don't know what to say to him apart from what I was thinking in my head which was Don'ttouchmeDon'ttouchmeDon'ttouchme. I managed to avoid a full on hug though, which was good. I don't like people hugging me, I dunno why.

DOCTOR WHO TONIGHT

Track: Superman - Lazlo Bane

Neil Gaiman - The Graveyard Book

http://www.neilgaiman.com/works/Books/The+Graveyard+Book/

This makes me sound so morbid, given the subject matter of my other recent posts. I'm really not, I ordered this from the library before this whole flower thing started. I just read Coraline and loved it so I wanted to read something else of his. I didn't realise that he wrote the graphic novel that Stardust is based on. I love that film.

Track: Never Said - Liz Phair

I had another idea for the graveyard thing. I was talking about it with my mum this morning, we walked through there because I wanted to show her the zombie hole and she pointed out that getting everyone to buy flowers that would probably have to be replaced once a week wasn't very likely. She's right. I'm not exactly a realist so that didn't occur to me.
I'm not beaten though, I have another idea. When we were walking back I saw loads of forget-me-nots in a garden and thought it would be nice if we could plant them on each of the graves. Obviously I'd have to talk to the groundskeeper first but I don't really see why he would say no. I think it's a good idea, and forget-me-nots seem pretty appropriate.

As far as this going for a walk stuff is concerned I'm trying to actually do something. My mum was getting worried because at the moment all I really do is sleep, work and feel sorry for myself and since I went off school... lol, I do nothing, basically. So she has started making me go out when she goes out and stuff. She thinks I need to be more motivated.
I don't feel motivated. The only thing I can really be bothered to care about is this graveyard thing. I've barely done any work since I got off school. I should have done lots of revision but I haven't. I should have finished my coursework and taken it around to my teacher's house but I haven't. I just haven't felt like doing anything. It's too depressing because like... I realised the other day, however much work I do my marks aren't going to be anything other than average. I'm going to go on to do average at college and then maybe at university. I'm then just going to be average for the rest of my life because I'm not smart enough to do anything. I probably won't keep friends and we've pretty much established that my relationships with men aren't going to go well. I'm too like my mum.

So that's making me sad. And unmotivated. I'm supposed to be organising going to the cinema on Saturday. I can't even be bothered. My friends depress me because they're all better than me in every single way.

I think I need to try and get a job or something. When mum went to have her hair cut I took John round town and he wanted to go down to the far end because that's where the scaelectric shop is. Down that end of town there are tons or crappy shops and newsagents and stuff. I'm sure I could get a job somewhere. Then maybe I'd have more to do, have more money and maybe feel a bit happier. Plus I might have a better excuse not to see my dad.

Track: Polyester Bride - Liz Phair

Dear citizens of [insert name of my village here],

Have you ever looked at the graveyard? I mean really looked and thought about the lives that were lived by the people within it. Well, I have, and I have realised something: They are all grosely unnapreciated. Many of them walked these roads for years before us, lived in our homes and built the community in which we live today and yet we allow so many of them to be forgotten, to fade away as if they never were. How would you feel if that happened to you? Pretty unhappy, I think. The graveyard and people within it are our responcibility. So, I challenge you, all of you to each go out and buy and bunch of flowers - any kind - and place one flower on each of the forgotten graves. Together we could show all those in our graveyard that whether we knew them or not, we care and respect and remember that they had lives too.
I think that caring about something that isn't of direct involvement in our own lives would be good for all of us.

- The [insert name of my village here] Graveyard Society

I went for a walk after my last post because I was going a bit crazy and I really wanted some chocolate. When I was coming home I took a bit of a detour and came back through the graveyard. I like the graveyard, it's really quiet and relaxing. I know this is probably kind of weird but I actually find it really fascinating. I hate the way some of the graves are so old that nobody looks after them anymore. I want to go and buy a load of flowers and put one on every single one of the graves that nobody bothers with anymore.

So, I was walking around and I saw this grave (Yes, I know. Obviously, what else is gunna be there right?) and I noticed it because it was over 30 years old but someone had still bothered to put fresh daffodils there. Plus it was surrounded by graves that no one looks after anymore so the bright yellow made it particularly noticible. I would love to know who's still going there after 30 years. Anyway, on the head stone it said "at rest". Like, with the quotation marks. I just thought that was kind of funny, like I could imagine her saying,
"That's what you think. I'm even busier than I was before. Typical of a man to put that on my head stone."
So I now have this awesome idea of how she was inside my head. Like, maybe it's her husband going and putting the daffodils there every year for 30 years because if he didn't he knows she would totally of had him sleeping on the sofa. I hope that whoever put the flowers on can think of her and be happy now.

So after I looked at that one for a while I walked around and looked at a few of the others, wondering if I could see any other "hidden messages" in their head stones but instead found something kind of scary. Well, to my over active imagination.

The zombie apocalypse may well be upon us . There was this grave near the gate between the two parts of the graveyard and it was quite long like.. the ones that look like beds in a really, really weird way. It had a part coming down that had all the writing and stuff on it and underneath that there was a hole! I'm not even kidding. Well, I don't think I am. I was looking at it for a while, I swear it was a hole. Then I got freaked out and left but I might go and have a look again the next time I'm in there. Lol, it was atually so weird. It looked more like an animal hole than a human hole but it was still weird. Actually it would be kind of a good place for an animal hole, because it was quite hidden.
Well, it probably was to most people. I think I may have been subconciously looking for that kind of thing since I'm a freak. It was probably just a shadow. Still. If it isn't that is very weird.

I still want to do the flowers thing. I feel bad for the ones that nobody looks after.

Track: These Fangs - Say Hi

I feel kind of sick now.

I was having a good day as well.

My dad e mailed me. I guess it's nice he's making an effort.

He said "I guess your phone must be out of credit again." so now I feel bad. I just really, really, really want him to leave me alone.

I'm so stupid. Surely this is what I wanted. I wanted him to make an effort. Why does it make me feel bad?

Actually, I know the answer to that question. There's too much that I know about that I shouldn't know about, so I can't talk about it with him. I can't ask him why he did stuff because if he knew I knew what I know (lol) then everything would get all messed up and that isn't fair on John. Or my mum, for that matter.

He doesn't understand me at all, but the, why should he? He's seen me almost once a week for most of my life and that's all. How are you supposed to get to know someone from seeing them once (most) weeks. That is, until they decide that their life is more important and they don't see you for nearly 2 months.
I'm bad at getting to know people, that's a solid fact. Part of the reason I didn't stck at going to church is because no one their talked to me and I could never make myself talk to them on seeing them once a week. The only way I make friends or get to know people at all is if I'm in a constant environment with them. I've never had that with my dad. The only time I might have done is when I was too little (not even 1) to remember anything and from what my mum has told me he preferred playing golf to actually being around for us then.

I feel so separate from him and I can't change that.

And... I don't really want to. I don't know him at all, that is obvious but from what I do know... I don't think he's a very nice person. I kind of know that he isn't. He's exactly the kind of thing that I hate. He's arrogant, self centered and a complete coward.

This is so stupid. I really need to talk to someone and the only person online is ignoring me. To be fair, I have had her blocked for ages so I guess she shouldn't have to talk to me. I only did that because I wasn't being helpful to her though. And because I know that she has about a million other friends she doesn't apprciate that she can talk to.

Crap.

Crap.

Crap.

Am I supposed to e mail back? I don't know what to say. There isn't anything to say. What he's written means he's assuming that I'm going round this weekend. I'm not. I'm going out. I don't ever want to go round there again. I don't want to be there with Mandy making me feel completely unwelcome and him letting her because, as I showed yesterday she's the one in charge. I don't want to sit and watch him dissapointing John again and AGAIN not agreeing with anything he says just because he can. I don't want to sit there wanting to hit him and yell at him and say all the things that I want to but not being able to because of what would happen if I did.

I don't want to sit there and pretend that he's my dad 'cause he isn't.

I don't have one, really. Do I?

The thing is, when I explain the situation with my dad then people say make sure tha have at least one positive male role model in your life but I don't. This is embarassing but I'm awful with men. I don't know how to treat them 'cause I don't know any. John's just... I have to look aftr John, make sure that he's okay and everything because I'm the only other young person in his life really.

Then there's Hugh. He's a prick and I hate him and he hates me.

Then there's my dad. You've read the rest of my moaning on that subject.

Then there is actually no one else.

All my friends bar like one guy (who is oh so very gay) are girls.

I'm so pathetic.

Anyway, done now. Well, not really. I know I'm really whingey on here I just sort of... well, I have one person I can talk about this with who actually understands because she is in the same kind of situation as me but like... I feel guilty. I say all this crap about how I feel and I think that it just... brings her down. And I don't want to do that because as much as she annoys the hell out of me sometimes (most of the time, actually) she is my friend and I'm grateful for her.

Writing is very theraputic. Believe it or not, I'm actually even worse at explaining myself when I'm talking. On here it is much less frustrating.

If I had tried to actually say this to somebody I would have been like "Um, like, it's like.... he's just... I just feel so... ARGH I HATE HIM"

Which I don't know if I do. And the person I was talking to (who unless they were Beany wouldn't understand anyway) would just look at me like I was insane and then change the subject. The subject gets changed a lot when I try and talk about stuff, lol.

Like I said, I am so pathetic.

Did anyone watch All The Small Things? I love that program. I really like the way they just integrated the people with special needs into it without making a big deal out of the whole thing.

I have a crush on the curit. Omg. I am ridiculous.

I IMed Beckie, I will not get wound up by her.
I will not get wound up.
I will not get wound up.
I will not get wound up.
I will not get wound up.
I will not get wound up.

Track: Adam's Song - Blink 182

Me and John were talking (I know, it suprised me too) about the way my dad and Mandy's relationship works (he's totally scared of her) and decided that you could define it by thinking of the relationship between Dr. Cox and Doug (nervous guy) in Scrubs.

This was the only example I could find.

They are like that though. It's funny when it isn't pathetic.

Boys amuse me. Especially the ones that my friend likes anyway. They don't know how to treat people. This one guy she's obsessed with at the moment doesn't, anyway.

Basically the guy has never had a crush on a girl before so he doesn't know how he feels about my friend other than the fact that it feels "different." He stayed at her house last week because he's having a crappy time (his dad divorced his mum and his mum remarried so fast he didn't really have time to keep track of it all) at home and just wanted a break. My friend told me that they just talked loads and he was really laid back and just... better than normal. THEN she went camping with him and some friends this weekend that the guy was a complete prick. He was pretty drunk but when his (annoying, oh so annoying) friend asked him if he liked my friend he said "No. She's nice but she's no [insert name of most beautiful girl in my year here] is she?" he then threw a big carton of apple juice at her and continued to be a knob for the rest of the night.

Which is... nice.

And now he thinks the whole thing is funny.

I am now trying to discourage her from going out with him. He is a prick. Who throws apple juice at and insults the girl they feel "different" about? There's not knowing how to express your feelings and then there is just nuts.

He said "I thought you were tolerant of drunk people"
Her answer "Not if they attack me!"

(I swear my keyboard is breaking.)

Track: So What - Pink

I finished reading Coraline this morning, it's SO good. Really really good but really really sinister. I'm looking forward to seeing the film even more now. It's scary because you think it's all over then there's this thing with a hand... I think it's a children's book but it still freaked me out a lot.

I just looked up the film and the voices cast is really good. Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French and Mrs Spink and Mrs Forcible so that will be kind of funny.

The button eye thing scares me so much. I always hated those toys with button eyes when I was younger.

I now have to clean my room. I've been promising my mum I'll do it for ages so I guess I better had. I don't see the point, if I'm honest. I'll clean it and make it look all tidy but then I'll mess it all up again within 5 minutes anyway.

Oh well. It's not like I have anything better to do

Track: As Is - Ani DiFranco

Sorry I missed you today. Hope picnic excellent. Since march was like i died we need to catch up soon. Speak in the week. Luv dad x

Now what do I do?

I don't want to talk to him. There's too much stuff there. I don't even feel happy that he's decided to contact me.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.

I just want him to leave me alone.

Feel better now. Well, sort of. I found some music that doesn't piss me off. The opposite in fact. I have completely fallen in love with a band.

The Dresden Dolls. Heard of them? They are playing in two places near me in August. Hmm... The tickets are probably sold already. Plus I have no one to go with no money to get anywhere OR buy a ticket in the first place. Still, it's a nice idea.

I have to hide from my dad in a minute. I'm gunna go for a walk. Then this afternoon me and my mum are gunna go out. I don't know if I want to... I'll probably have to talk about stuff I don't want to. Namely Hugh. Conversations about him usually go like this lately|:

Mum: Hugh's really unhappy at the moment.

Me: Good.

I would have thought that that would put her off talking to me about it but it doesn't seem to. She still goes on.

Anywy.

Today I went up to the sixth form child development. This was some stupid idea my teacher had. She thought going up there might persuade us to do child development next year. Like I said, pointless.

BUT I actually had a lot of fun. When we first got up there one of the first things that I noticed was a dead fish in a bucket. Yeah, confusing. I thought maybe they were going to force us to participate in some bizarre child development initian ceremony but, fortunately for me, that didn't happen.
There were 4 tables with different activites on and they were all based around fish and the sea and stuff. The first one I was on was play dough (like I said, it was awesome) AND THEN I got to play this magnet fishing game which was actually a really big thing for me (lol) because when John was being diagnosed he used to play a magnetic fish game with the man called David and I always wanted to play when we went to pick him up but there was never time... . I love magnetic fish.

THEN I got to go over to a table to make tuna and mayonaise sandwiches. I don't know if I've mentioned this but I have been a vegetarian my whole life so I'd never made a tuna-mayo sandwich before. Who knew you were supposed to mix them in together? I didn't. Whatever Jemma says, tuna and egg are very different.

THEN I poked the dead fish. I'd never felt a fish before and I figured I'm never going to have a dead mackeral in front of me again (I would hope. My life will have to go very wrong before I become a fisherman) I might as well see what it feels like. Plus when I was a kid I was kind of fascinated with the dead fishes that were whole and still had the eyes and everything. What a psychologist would make of that I don't know.

So all things considered, I had a pretty good day. I didn't know that they actually played children's activites in child development. I got told that I was perfect for the course because apparently I'm very "down to earth". Plus I was the only one of two people in the room really enjoying myself. Apart from me and Jemma everyone was all "Eww I can't touch play dough" "Eww a dead fish that's sick".

The funny thing is, me and Jemma are the only ones who aren't even considering doing the course next year.

Track: Missundastood - Pink

So my tutor just left. It was a useful session today, which was good. He was teaching me maths stuff and I think I actually understood it for once which is something of an improvement. You can pretty much gaurantee (sp?) when I come to do my homework I won't have a clue what he wants though .

Anyway, that isn't why I'm writing about it. I'm writing beause... he kind of upset me. Again. He didn't mean to, he's just one of those people that says things without really thinking about it all that much. First he said I was stupid. (Well actually he didn't. I'm just being over-sensitive) and then he was talking about how that's okay because my family are more the "creative sort".

That's the thing. I know that mum and John are the "creative sort". Well mum is anyway but me...? I'm not but kinda am. It's more a case of I'd like to be but I'm really just not that good at anything.
So I wish he hadn't brought it up because when I think about that I feel separate from my family. And from everything, really.

Because... if I'm not science-ey and I'm not artistic-ey then...

What the hell am I?

I have to go and wash my hair now. It's really annoying actually, 'cause it means I'll miss to apprendice and I'll look like some kind of ginger sheep in the morning. BUT it needs doing because I can't do it tomorrow because Sean's coming round and on Friday night I'm going to see a play which I'm REALLY excited about.

This is what I'm going to see.
http://www.theatreroyal.com/prod-productions_details.asp?pid=165

I'm going with mum and John and Hugh (urgh). Hugh tends to ignore us a bit when we go out (god knows why) so hopefully he'll stride off into the distance like he normally does so we can pretend he's not there.

I'm really excited about the play

I was looking at this again today
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

I used to go on it quite a bit a while ago but then kind of.. forgot about it, I guess. I love it though. You should look at it.

And finally,

I'm trying to use this song to make me feel better at the moment.

I figure it has to work eventually.

Hahaha I automatically wrote "useless" instead of "useful" at the top.

Does that make me a pessimist?

I feel a little better today, which is nice. Despite the mad rush my morning was. I didn't wake up until 8 a clock when my mum came to find out why wasn't up and then I freaked out (in my defence, I was more than half asleep) because she wasn't freaking out about my being so late and then I thought it must be Saturday but it couldn't be because yesterday was Tuesday and then I thought WHY THE HELL DID I SLEEP UNTIL SATURDAY?! And then my mum was like "Calm down, it's Wednesday."
So then I had twenty minutes to calm down, get dressed, put on my make-up, sort my hair (hahahahahahaha), eat my breakfast and pack my bag.

AND I wasn't even late for school. Well no later than usual, anyway.

Other then that today was fairly uneventful. I'm still 2 centimetres away from the board in maths. Omg and my teacher fell on me! So not only is where I sit REALLY annoying but it's hazardous as well. Oh, and I switched off staring into space to "wake up" to this chavvy girl yelling at me for staring at her.

Oh well. At least I didn't throw pens at anyone.

Although the lid did fly out of my hand at one point...

Did anyone other than me watch All The Small Things last night? We all did here. I thought it was interesting what they'd done with the older son. I think he had aspergers. It was kind of weird how the mum had never done anything about it though. And OMG the husband she split from at the beginning is such a twat! Me and my mum were yelling at the screen about what a prick he was John got really scared.

Oh. And my dad's back in the country. He decided he had time to contact my mum. He's coming round on Saturday. I won't be in. I think I'm going to have the control from now on and... as it is I couldn't be less interested in seeing him. It's kind of making my stomach feel funny, but I think it's something I need to do. You know?

Track: The Modern March - Run Kid Run