Angst? Me? Never.

That's Christmas over and done with then. Kind of sad really. I love the build up, the late night shopping and wondering what you're going to be given but the day itself is always stressful to me. Will she like what I got her? Has he brought the same thing as me? And then the Crap I Left That Thing I Wrote About My Dad In Plain Sight, What If He saw? thing I've been obsessing about for the past 12 hours.
Christmas is the time for wishing you were a little kid again so you could go back to the days of Father Christmas when everything was new and exciting. God, the last couple of years have turned me into such a Scrooge. I've been given some really good gifts, lots of books and cds to be getting on with. John gave me Dear Fatty, the Dawn French's autobiography. As a general rule I hate non-fiction but I'm loving Dear Fatty, it's funny and sad at the same time and REALLY reminds me of the Georgia Nicholson books. (The GN books not to be related to the film. The books are funny.)
What I'm definitely going to say now is that I hope you all had a good Christmas and that you're happy and got good gifts.
I think I probably mentioned this before but I'm going to a murder mystery dinner tonight, with Hugh and family. My mum set it up because she didn't want to turn down any dinners so they think she's availible a lot. Callie's going, which will hopefully save the evening a bit. We spent Christmas Eve with her and her friend Becky walking from Looe to Polperro. I like Cornwall and it was good talking to Callie and Becky. It's kind of a break from everything really. I don't want to be rude but this is going to sound bad however I say it anyway so I'm just going to go ahead and say what I mean. It's nice talking to people I don't have to see and worry about every day. And it's goog to talk to people who've already done everything I have to make decisions about now. They've done it, so surely I can to.

I expect I'll blog again before 2009 but in case I don't Happy New Year now.

So much is changing for me next year it's terrifying. I have to go to college, John leaves college and all his benefits will stop. I would like to think that this time next year I'll still be living in this house, writing about how stupid I was and how everything ended up okay.
But, unfortunately, unless something happens really soon, I don't see how I will be.

Track: Mobile - Avril Lavigne

School ended today for the Christmas holidays.

I don't know. I mean, I'm happy and everything that I don't have to get up and go every morning anymore but like... When we go back to GCSE's are going to be looming. Not that I'm going to think about that.

Secret Santa was pretty much a success apart from the fact that I accidentally told Kailee who I had at the last minute (TOTAL accident. Who knew doing that was even possible? Well, as of today I guess I do). Not much else happening.

Twilight is coming out on Friday. Most people are going to see it. I however, can't. I have to stay in and look after John 'cause mum's working. Not that I'm bitter about it or anything. Lol, nah, it's fine. me and John will stay in and continue our Back To The Future stuff. It's fun and nice to spend time with him. I don't do it enough these days. I'm always way to distant and I feel guilty about it.

I think that overall, I've been pretty brave this week. I may not have done the Christmas karaoke at school today but that aside, I haven't been all bad. Well, other than he refusing to perform my monologue (which I STILL haven't written, but the way) to anyone except my english teacher. I DID however text (yeah yeah I know) my dad and tell him that we need him to give us more money for the tutoring, and he texted back and asked how much (and that he would have to find is from somewhere. Score.).... yesterday. I will text him back. I'm just putting it off. My mum is giving me so much grief about the whole thing anyway. I thought that she would be happy about the fact that SOMEONE in this house is finally taking a stand and making him do something about the fact that we have no money but she just says that he'll blame her and when I tell him that Hugh gives us money sometimes he'll think that Hugh does all the time and therefore he doesn't need to and that I should upset the peace and other utter CRAP like that.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU. I want to scream. THIS ABOUT ME! THIS IS MY THING. I NEED TO DO THIS. I have tried but I can't explain it without getting wound up. And she just goes right one looking worried and making me feel guilty. But the fact is that he isn't her dad, she doesn't have to constantly live with the fact that she pretty much hates him and has no respect OR hope for a relationship with him ever, she doesn't have to live with all of the stuff that I don't know and AM NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT WITH HIM weighing down on me all time. Okay, she does, 'cause she had to live through it but that means she is allowed to have issues. I appear to have issues for no reason. Anyway. I lost my train of thought. What it basically comes down to is the fact that I am supposed to go round there and sit on his sofa and watch tv and pretend that I like his wife and have any interest in his life whatsoever for a few hours every week without screaming or telling him I hate him or throwing up. For the whole of my life, I just going to have to deal with the fact that I don't have a dad, not really. So whatever, there could be and are worse problems i know but I'm going to do whatever it takes to make the whole thing easier for me.

I just don't understand why I still have to go.

Beanie has similar problems with her dad, she told her mum that she didn't want to go and she didn't have to go anymore.

I've been telling my mum since before I was eight years old that I don't want to go but I still have to. Why?

There's something else I want to say but I know if I do I'll feel too guilty.

I already feel guilty, in fact. None of this is my mum's fault. I know that it isn't. It isn't her fault that they got divorced, it isn't her fault that I hate him, and it isn't her fault that I have to do my service, every week (although not until Christmas now. Again, yay) and go to my dad's house. It's just things people have to do.

I guess I just needed to vent.

Although now I feel like I'm going to cry.

Which I can't. Because it makes every feel bad, and in the end, me feel worse. I totally lost it a couple of months ago and after that expected that everything would change, that my mum would sort everything out and make it so I didn't have to go anymore. I also kind of hoped that she would finish with Hugh and marry someone like Luke from Gilmore Girls.

I only thought that because I don't really loose it really. Well, ever. Not in a way that I show people anyway.

But how STUPID is that? I cry and the world changes to do exactly what I want? What kind of idiot thinks that? Me, apparently.

This is why I've been avoiding blog a bit this week. I knew I'd get upset.

I'm currently throwing the screen dirty looks, just do you know I'm mad.

track: Revelry - Kings Of Leon

OMG I can't believe I got so eggy that I forgot to write this.

Despite everything on this blog...

I GOT 2 MARKS OFF AN A IN MY ENGLISH MOCK

Do I rock?

Yes. I think I do.

He agrees.

Track: Built This Way - Samantha Ronson

So I finally got a Connexions meeting today. It wasn't exactly as useful as I would have hoped, I had this stupid idea that when I came out I would know exactly what I was going to do and that everything would be sorted from then on. But, as it turned out, I'm so unsorted that she thinks it would be advisable for me to have another meeting, and is booking me in again in February. The up side of it all was that I managed to miss most of my maths lesson, and I didn't have to participate in the spanish video call. Two things I really couldn't be bothered with, so that was pretty good.

I'm feeling pretty spectacularly crap right now to be honest. I'm worried about loads of things that I'm too scared to talk about, even on here. I'm very concious of sounding pathetic, so I'm going to change the subject now.

I've been invited to party (I know, it's shocking) and I need to buy a dress for it. It's a masked ball (what can I say, I have weird friends) and it should be pretty fun if I can get past the whole dres issue. I am incredibly self concious and I will feel fat and stupid in a dress. I guess I can only hope that I will find one I actually look nice in (yeah right). The whole dress thing ended up in a long (and loud, on Felix's part) discussion about my boobs, which was a little embarassing. But, it was ruled they are not to small and I will be able to find a dress that fits me.

What can I say, every cloud has a silver lining.

Track: God Is A DJ - Pink

Christmas is the time for many things...

Trees. You know my dog used to be scared of Christmas, 'cause it's when his old family ditched him in Animals In Distress. For the first couple of years we had him he'd go all quiet and weird at Christmas, but now, as you can see he's prettyhappy to be involved in everything.

The rediscovery of old friends. She's called Madame Criossant. My Uncle made her when he was doing his puppet making stuff. She did shows when I was at pre-school. We have all missed her very much.

And of tuly indivdual and awesome presents from last year. I got a burssel sprout too, but they're kind of diffcult to keep. it had a name tag and everything.

You leanr to deal with issues such as mad relatives. (Actually, John's like that all the time. I don't have any mad relatives here that aren't always here to take photos of. Although my gran might be coming down and she try and go on a rocking horse in a park once.)

And finally....

It's BARNEYRULZ (not me. my dog) he is such a Christmas role model, he got through his abandonment issues enough to be able to have a good time. If he can do it we all can.

Merry decoration putting uppingness.

I now have to go to my dad's. Lucky me eh?

Eww. Look at the colour. And that's it watered down

It doesn't taste great either.

Lesson learnt: Don't buy the first cheap juice you see.

For all I know it could be poisoning me as I write.

I actually acheived something today I have totally organised my room and changed the photos on my cuboard. I read a post by The_Walrus about mood boards the other day, and thought that I should have one but then realised that actually, I kind of do. It's just my cuboard, rather than a board above my computer.

I wonder if I should become one of those people that take their camera everywhere with them... Hmm...

Track: We've Only Just Begun - Run Kid Run

I had my last mock to day, it was on RE and I don't think I've done very well. I didn't finish. I managed 6 pages but that isn't much in comparison to people like Ime who never stop writing throughout the whole exam.

I do think I can partially blame my school for my stupid-ness though. It isn't exactly the greatest school in the world.

For example, if you asked me about yesterday I'd say something like "Yeah, I had the most productive maths lesson I've had in ages. I finished nearly all my spanish coursework."

And today, not that I mind but I skipped a bit of my science lesson. I make it a general rule not to skip, because it's stupid especially in the year that we're in etc etc but there was only like 20 minutes left and I'd just come out of an exam and I really couldn't be bothered. Pretty much everyone else in the exam had taken this veiw so there was a whole load of us standing in the information corridor at school. As the name suggests, it is the most importatn and frequently walked down place. While we were all stood there several members of senior management walked past more than once and said NOTHING . It actually came to be pretty amusing after a while. I love the way in my school you can just do whatever you want and no one will say anything. I even left hlaf way through last lesson once (I was supposed to) and one of my teachers walked past me as I was leaving and said nothing. I was totally expecting to have to whip my note out but nothing xD.

So the count down to Christmas has begun. We did a secret santa thing within out group and I really have no idea what to get for who I got. I really wanted Kailee 'cause that would have been fun but nooo. Now I have no idea what to get AND my shopping this weekend just got postponed .

Any ideas?

Track: Teenagers - My Chemical Romance