Angst? Me? Never.

I saw my dad yesterday.

Mum asked him to help pay for the tutoring.

I asked him to pay for the tutoring. Twice.

He said that he would.

But he didn't. He left without saying anything about it and didn't give my mum any money.

Hugh just gave mum a load of money to pay for the sessions.

Hugh.

What does he have to do with me?

Why is it his responsibility?

I don't want to owe him anything. I didn't even want to owe my dad anything, but him being my dad and me needing the sessions and all, I figured I would just have to put up with it.

My dad has so much money, but he gives us next to nothing. £100 a month. For 2 kids. That mounts up to £12.50 a week each, which Hugh helpfully pointed out isn't even enough for a takeaway.

This was my way of sorting out my issues with my dad as well. I thought that even though I know I'm never going to have a real kind of relationship with him, at least I'll know he's done this one thing for me. I can respect him for something. And he didn't even do it.

He'll give it eventually. In his time. I bet he'll pay for like 2 sessions, and think that'll be enough. What would it cost him anyway? One less DVD a week?

What was it he said to me the other week? Something like "That's what you can do when you have disposable cash kid."

When I get mad about stuff with my dad it's like this animal wakes up inside me. All jagged edges. Ripping me to peices.

Why is Hugh paying for me?

You know, when I really think about it (which I try not to) pretty much everything that is wrong with my life can be some whole blamed on my dad.

Seeing girls all cuddly and starry eyed with their dad's makes me sick. I'm not even jealous, I just think it's pathetic.

Track: All That I've Got - The Used

We finished our media studies project today. I personally think we deserve an award, especially Sophie. She was in a skirt. It is FREEZING out there. Literally.

We had a lot of fun though, I met Callum, the guy that played our clown today for the first time and he turned out to be really nice. I was sort of worried because he's one of Jasmine's actor-ey friends and they tend to be sort of confident and intimidating but Callum was nice and non-scary. If you ignored the clown suit and make-up that is.

I might have found out some useful things for John through him as well. Him and Jasmine do this arts award thing with is like DofE (except not at all) with all drama and stuff like that. Exactly the kind of thing I am terrified of but John would love. Most of what they do is run through my school, but the lady who organises the whole does do a course for special needs kids so hopefully she'd have some connections as to how I could get John on the course. I have an e mail address so I'm gunna go from there. I'll ask about other dramam activites avilaible in the area to. Getting something sorted out for John would take weight of my and my mum's mind.

After we finished filming we went into Jasmine's house for hot chocolate and biscuits and stuff and OMG her house is amazing. I didn't realise how many rich people I knew. From the size of her garden and the fact that they have their own woods AND a trampoline I was beginning to guess but their house is actually amazing. And warm, which was new . It sounds like it must be really fun having the confidence and the ability to be into acting. Jasmine and Callum were talking about street theatre they've done and how Jasmine nearly got arrested for having a gun once. They were inbetween plays so they went into town and were messing around with this FAKE gun and some woman called the police because it looked like Jasmine was taking people hostage.

Anyway, I have revision to be getting with.

Track: What's My Age Again? - Blink 182

Turned out to be a bit of a crappy week really.

All of it was school related and if it wasn't for one person in particular I would currently be feeling utterly dispondent.

We had parents evening on Tuesday which went well, but sort of made me worry at the same time. My spanish teacher was really really nice about me, and about the progress that I've made with confidence and everything in the time that she's known me (3 years, I started off in a french class where I knew nobody, the difference is pretty massive). She was so nice, which, of course, made me worry that I was going to totally bomb my mocks. I really didn't want to dissapoint her after everything that she'd said and I wanted the oppertunity to do the higher paper (although at that point I didn't hate foundation as much as I do now. Exeter hadn't happened yet.)

I bombed it. Obviously.

I got an E on my listening paper. After everything that's already happened this week, I nearly cried. I knowwwwwwwwwwwww but I'm already feeling incredibly sensitive about that stuff and then the E happpend and.. well, I had to get out of there pretty quickly.

Then I went to child developement, with the supply teacher again. I was told by Mrs P (the most odious woman alive (Gilmore Girls quote heh heh)) at parents evening that I could take one of the previous projects home to look at at the lay out and whatnot and that I could ask the supply teacher for it today, and that the supply teacher would know that I was going to ask and she would give it to me. Do I even need to say that it didn't turn out that way?

Of course Mrs P hadn't actually told the supply that I needed the project and so she and another teacher pretty much accused me of lying and wanting to copy it in front of everyone which was EXTREMELY embarassing and something I am absolutely mentioning (ha. "mentioning".) to Mrs P the next time that I see her.

Strike 2. Nearly cried again. I'm not prone to getting emotional in public and although I didn't actually cry on any of the occaisions (there's another one to look forward to) it still made me feel uncomfortable and pretty stupid.

So THEN the teacher asked me and Jemma to go down to the other side (I'm lucky enought to go to a school with a bridge. What a joy that is to cross everyday.) to get the registers that she had left in the office. The office that she was talking about is in a part of the school that students aren't supposed to go into, so we were given a note. We went into the office and the lady told us that we were in the wrong place, and that we needed to go next door. She was really nice about it. So we went next door to have this stupid woman be SO rude to us about the fact that we were in this corridor and just generally be a bitch about the whole thing. I told her (politely) that we were supposed to be there, we'd been sent there and that we had a note (which she barely even LOOKED at, by the way.) and made this massive deal about printing off another set of registers. All she had to do was type in the supply teachers name and press print but she acted as though she was doing this massive service, and that we were doing it all just to annoy her.

Strike 3. Nearly cried. Again. I just don't think that it's fair, I always make an effort to be polite to people (apart from Mrs P, but honestly that woman is beyond a joke.) and nice and then someone like that comes along and treats you like crap. It really makes you wonder what the point is, we're constantly told to respect our teachers and the other staff but they speak to us like that? Why should we bother? What's even the point? Doesn't respect go 2 ways?!

The only kind of passive aggressive "revenge" that I could have was by saying something loudly about her being a rude cow when we left.

And then we get back to my spanish teacher. Today I took the second half of my spanish mock, the reading bit. I had sort of forgotten about it but at the end of the day, Rose came up to me and told me that my spanish teacher was looking for me, and when we found her she told me that I had got a C on my reading paper . She wasn't on duty or anything either, she'd come out in the cold specifically to find me and tell me that I did well in the second exam. And my paper was the only one that she had marked, because she wanted to know my result first.

I wanted to hug her. I didn't, of course but I still kind of wish I could of done. She said something about knowing that I was having a rubbish week as well, which is confusing because I didn't know she knew I was having a rubbish week. It was incredibly sweet though. I've never really felt as though a teacher cared about me before.

I have since spent 2 hours out in the -700000 degrees weather, filming for my media prject, but I don't even care because I was thinking about the fact that my teacher did that for me.

Heh.

Track: Bad Day - Daniel Powter

So at school today I typed this totally depressing post about how depressed I was about the fact that I am stupid and that I can't go to Exeter college because of said stupidness etc etc. School filtered blog after I used it one time so I thought I would put it up once I got home because I knew that everything I was depressed about would still apply. But, John's laptop is a Vista so won't open to document. Typically.

So I am still very depressed and stuff, going through all my e mails thinking about how stupid I was and wondering why I couldn't just be clever when I see an e mail I think is some boring band spam so flick past... However, I suddenly see the words No Doubt and something that looked a lot like "TOUR".

Which was when I found THIS

http://www.nodoubt.com/?utm_source=newsite&utm_campaign=ecrm

http://www.nodoubt.com/news/default.aspx?nid=18365

STUDIO and WRITING could mean ALBUM which could mean they would come to ENGLAND (I asked my mum but she won't let me go to New York. Damnit.) and I would be able to see them. Because if they come here, wherever they go, that is EXACTLY what I will be doing.

So, I'm still stupid and dispondent and not Exeter college material... But at least I have something to look forward to.

http://www.nodoubt.com/news/default.aspx?nid=17103

Awwww <3

Track: Sixteen - No Doubt

Track: Magics In The Makeup - No Doubt

Track: New - No Doubt

Track: End It On This - No Doubt

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1088992/Boy-13-stabs-stomach-classmates-dumped-girlfriend.html

I couldn't believe it when I read this today. He's only 13. I don't even know what to say really.

I don't really know why it being so close to home makes it more shocking, but somehow, it does.

Seriously though, 13. How could nobody have been that he was capable of something like this. There must have been some sort of signs. But maybe there weren't. I don't know. I'm just so shocked by it.

I wonder what'll happen to him after he recovers from surgery. What do you do with a kid that stabbed himself? How do you help? Could he go back to school? How could be go back to school? They don't know what would happen once he was there. Kids are horrible. But are they that horrible?

I don't even want to think about what his family are probably going through.

I hope he stays unnamed. Let the kid come out to some kind of normality. Not having his name recognised as the kid who stabbed himself would be a good start.

And what about the kids that saw it happen...? Words don't really do it. Do they..

Track: Fix You - Coldplay

Hello

I had fun today. I had a non-pupil day so me and my mum went to Exeter to go shopping. It was good because I haven't really got to spend much time with her lately, what with the play and all her work and everything. We went to Princess Hay and WAY overspent in Fat Face. But their clothes are just so nice. I have also managed to find a couple of pairs of jeans which don't make me feel like an elephant. I can only hope that it lasts.

And I have taken the plunge. I have bought myself a hat. Whether I am actually going to wear it outside of the house is yet to be decided. Am I a hat person? What is a hat person? How would you go about becoming a hat person? Many difficult questions with complicated answers.

I may post some pictures to see what you guys think.

Track: Fuuuuuun - Be Your Own Pet

So I think of seven things about me. Oh no. I actually can't. Not interesting things anyway. I don't really do interesting.

Hmmm..

1. I have a brother called John. He works in the local garden centre now. Well, not work work 'cause he doesn't get payed but it's all good experience. You can tell he really works there too, 'cause one of the other guys said hi to him when we left. In a really work-ey way. John has aspergers and I can be incredibly over protective of him.

2. I have a tutor. As of next Friday anyway. In the end I gave in and asked my mum if I could get one, I'm falling really behind in science because none of my teachers now how to control a class. And when I don't understand something I tend to... fall slightly off task. I haven't done anything yet this term in physics or chemistry. You need chemistry for any kind of medical career so I have to get better at it. We can't actually really spare the money, but my dad says he will help. (I know, I'm as shocked as you are).

3. I recently realised that I would quite like to be a doctor. For the above reasons this isn't going to be possible, plus there's my personality to put into the mix. Nobody thinks I'm cut out for it. I wouold like to think that I could prove them wrong, but even if I can't I know I want to do some kind of medical profession.

4. I have a dog called Barney. He "rulz". And he wants to eat the universe. (the universe being small chidren, dogs, cats and pretty much any other animal).

5. I always beat my brother on Burnout. I ROCK at burnout.

6. I LOVE reading.

7. I'm terrified about what's going to happen next year.

So that's me.

Track: Mariella - Kate Nash

So today the fragile relationship between myself and my child development teacher snapped.

I hate her. I hate her so much it makes my head hurt. She is the laziest most sick making person I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I hate her SO much. I have no respect for her. I don't think I have ever had less respect for anybody in my whole life.

I'm not, as a general rule, a rude person. I don't hit people. I don't normally yell at people when they piss me off. I don't get mad that easily (actually, that's a lie). I suppose I don't always express it until the person is no longer with me (I bitch ok. Would you rather I yelled at you to your face? If you're anything like the people that I know the answer to that would be negative).

Nobody knows what the hell they have to do for child development. Nobody is up to date with their coursework because nobody understands what their coursework IS. Last year it was bearable because our other teacher was great, she really was. However, this year, we have TWO crap teachers. TWO. One of them can barely speak and has been "loosing her voice" since September. And the other is Mrs P. who is, I promise, the most ODIOUS (yes, odious) woman in the world.

And today, when she told us that she couldn't be bothered to do parents evening because, and I quote, "They won't pay me for it". They won't pay her for it, so she won't do it. I know for a FACT that there are other teachers staying on 2 HOURS LONGER than they have to so that they can see all of the parents that want to see them. Are they getting paid to stay and work until 8.30pm? No. They are not.

SHE WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE TO STAY THAT LONG. 2 hours. That's all it would take to see her students. Her students whose parents nearly ALL want to see her and ask her what is going on with the GCSE. But today she told me she could not be bothered.

I suppose you could say I "lost my rag with her".

This isn't the end of it though. No. We went to see our head of year who told us that she is SUPPOSED to come in on parents evening. Lazy bitch.

She's coming to this parents evening.

Wow. Then she'll be able to say she has done ONE useful thing in her life. That'll be different for her.

Ooo. And on this whole Deciding What I'm Going To Do With The Rest Of My Life thing? I'm going to a college open evening next Wednesday. It's kind of further away that I would ideally want, but it's a really great place. Going to this place would be about as scary as it can get. Me with all the city kids. Lol

Track: I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance

Why is it that becoming popular turns you into a totally horrible person? How does that make sense? And, why is it that once the person is solidly popular, she can then become even more horrible and no one cares?

It annoys me. And the fact that she's upset Kailee now is just . I want to say something but I can't. She'll argue too much. Plus when you say stuff it has consequences that I generally can't be bothered with.

I just don't get her. She acts as though she is this incredibly smart person, I mean, ok, she does well at school. I'm not jealous of that (much) but that doesn't mean that she knows everything. She acts as though she can dissect these situations and judge people when she doesn't know anything about it. She thinks that she can condemn a whole persons life because of something bad that they did. She thinks she's this all knowing smart person but in truth she is so trapped behind her own freakin IGNORANCE she can't see anything at all.

Track: Be Your Own Pet - Becky

I have a GCSE maths exam on Thursday. I've done nearly no revision. I'm going to fail. I have about a MILLION peices of child d I haven't done and my mum is seeing her for parents evening in a couple of weeks so she'll know how behind I am and then will start forcing me to do it which is bad because i HATE child d and think it is stupid and can't understand anything my stupid crap teacher tells me who incidentally I also nearly mowed down today on my way to PE.

I have mock exams starting in a couple of weeks. I've done no revision. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHICH SUBJECTS I AM BEING TESTED IN. I do however know, that I have an RE exam. I don't however know, which aspect of RE I am being tested on, I don't feel this has ever been made clear to me. My RE teacher have a wonderful way of slowly slaughtering you in front of a class if you ask them a question they think is stupid, this is not something I want to happen to me. My RE teachers are TERRIFYING and I am not going to ask them.

I have to sit through media next to somebody who hates me tomorrow. She hates me becausen I was supposed to work with her and I didn't, because I did what I wanted to do rather than what she wanted to do. If last lesson was any indication she has now stopped doing any work at all and it is all my fault. She will probably start skipping the lesson more as well. Which actually proves my point as to why I didn't work with her (I didn't tell her my point, that would have been too mean, but I am right) and this will make me feel even worse because I know it's my fault. I am a horrible person.

A horrible person with piles of homework I just let sit there, I worry about it. I worry about it too much to actually do it, because I know once I actually look at it it will be too hard to do and then I will convince myself and I am going to fail all my GCSEs and work in Macdonalds for my whole life where I won't even be premoted after 20 years because I'm too stupid and scared of everything. And I will gain huge amounts of weight because I will be depressed and useless and working in Macdonalds where I will be around a constant supply of chips.

SEE? I'm even writing this now when I should go to bed and catch up on all the sleep I haven't had for the last 2 months so I am perky and alive for school tomorrow, rather than falling asleep in Lord Of The Flies.
Ok. That was a bad exmaple. You fall asleep in Lord Of The Flies whether you are tired or not. I'm falling asleep in subjects that I actually like, like RE (however terrified I am of my teachers, it's an interesting subject.)

I'm trying to convince myself I'm going to be a doctor as an incentive to actually do my work

(WHEN WILL I NEED CHILD DEVELOPMENT? EVER???!! WHY DID I TAKE IT? WHY OH WHY OH WHY?!?!?!) I'm even using !s. You know I could technically blame you guys, I talked about my choices on here. When I said "Child Development, that sounds interesting." somebody should have told that I would end up with one useless teacher and one good teacher the good teacher being the one that doesn't teach me anymroe so now I have two bad teachers because her replacement is crap and teaches FOOD TECH and sounds like she is going to pass out everytime she puts in the effort to utter a WHOLE SENTENCE which she also doesn't do that often because she has had a sore throat since the beginning of September. Stupid useless coursework filled subject.

In the book I'm reading a normal person has had their brain put into a supermodel who died from an anueyism at the same time as she got hit by a giant falling tv she was pushing her sister out from under.

Track: Ant In Alaska - Liz Phair

I'M 16

AND I GOT ONLY BY THE NIGHT

heh heh heh

And the Exile In Guyville reissue. And many a great thing like that.

Am happy. Everyone is in a good mood too which is good 'cause I didn't think that was going to happen yesterday.

Track: No Doubt - Six Feet Underground

Not nearly as depressing as it sounds. Listen please

It was a fun day

x

So I should be at school. I'm not. I'm stupid and yeah for not being there. Freaked out yesterday and didn't go again. I have to go tomorrow though.

*melt*

This video is annoying and cuts off before the end

PLEASE let me get Only By The Night on Sunday.

I watched this video yesterday, and I think I might do this, apart from, you know, a GCSE I don't really have much to do this month. So there should be time.

But can anybody write a novel in a month?

I'm gunna try and do this. I wrote a page yesterday.... but now I'm stuck.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

As much as I want to do this, and would be very happy to sit here all afternoon trying to do another page.... I can't. I have to catch up with my coursework today.

I WILL HAVE DISCIPLINE

I can't believe my half term is nearly over already . I don't want to go back to school and work with annoying people on important coursework just because I can't seem to find the words to say "I don't want to work with you, sorry."

So what have I done with my half term?

Well we went to Hamlet last week, which was amazing. In some ways I can't believe it was a week ago already but at the same time that kind of makes sense. Mum is still in her post-Hamlet blues and David Tennent announcing his leaving Doctor Who... hasn't helped much. She's sad about her dad and worried about next year and just... well.. I don't know how to help.

On Thursday we finally did the Bath trip we were on about. I know what you're thinking. Not Thursday? Not the day when everywhere was flooded and the day that would be the WORST day inexperienced travellers could choose to go somewhere? That Thursday. The sign that says go here for help is a lier, by the way. Nobody knows what is going on when you need them to. You just have to figure it out on your own. We started at 9am i Paignton and finally (3 train rides and a coach trip later) got to Bath at 2 pm. I won't even get into going back. I was over an hour late. I was in trouble. But, despite everything and period related difficulties, Beany had a good birthday so I guess it was all worth doing. I really enjoyed myself too, actually. And I didn't worry much considering I'm..you know, me. I only really freaked when we were in Newton Abbot and no one seemd to be able to tell us which train we were meant to be on.

I just can't believe it's the end of half term already and I've done practically no coursework. I had such a plan for everything I was going to get done this week but I could never work out where to start there's so much of it.... There is still loads of it but and yet here I sit typing to you. I nearly have my media finished. I'm going to focus on one thing at a time I think.

I'm nearly 16.

Nine more days.

Eeeep.