So hello. It's me. I'm the same as normal but with slightly shorter hair. Which is definitely a good thing because it seriuosly needed cutting.
Pretty same-ish week. Again. I managed to skip going to my dad's, which helped things. Is there actually an issue there? Or am I just creating one? Maybe there's nothing wrong and I'm just looking for a reason to be miserable. But then that can't really be right, because when I think about it I can come up with plenty of reasons that make me being sad fine and right. There are plenty of reasons as to why I hate him most of the time, not thinking about them all the time is normal.
Ahh well. Who cares. I'm clear for about 3 weeks now anyway, so I don't have the think about it.
I do, however, have to think about my mum's dad. Who's very sick. Sort of getting worse and worse. He has this kind of Parkinsons disease which.. to be honest I don't understand. Which makes it sound like I don't care, which isn't right. I do care. I just have this weird detachment thing going on with everyone but my immediate family (i.e my mum and John). I don't know when it started exactly. I just registered one day that I was terrified of all of them. And my mum had a very complicated childhood which.. I can't talk about but.. he's involved and it just kind of.. I sort of want to ask loads of question but given what things where.. I kind of can't. Well actually I definitely can't. Ever. So I won't. I knew if I typed it I'd just delete it anyway 'cause the whole thing is too weird. We were talking about him the other day though. My mum's dad. My grandad. We think he is autisitc. Aspergers, like John. Well, kind of anyway. Just a lot of how he is is very similar to John.
We know things are bad with him though, because my nan is ringing all the time. She keeps phoning to tell my mum everything that's happening, which she hasn't done since the last time he was really ill. He had this heart thing. Again, as the crappy granddaughter I actually don't fully understand what that was either. I wasn't very old then though, I was still in primary school so maybe I wasn't supposed to know then.
People keep dying everywhere as well. This guy that's lived on our street for ever died this week. And Malcolm's dad did. Strange how I'm panicking about not knowing what to do with my life while other people's are ending. Actually I guess that isn't weird, just life. Still.
I want to know what I'm going to do with my life. I want to know exactly what I'm working towards so I can stop worrying about it. Does it actually matter what I do so long as I make money? If I never know I just have to make sure I do something practical, so I don't have to rely on other people to make money for me. Other people who'll probably mess up. When I'm older, I don't want my mum's life now. I know that's horrible, and like I'm saying I think she's bad and everything. I don't think she's bad, I think she's amazing for everything that's she's done, and for how she bought me and John up on her own even though it was really hard but.. I don't want to have to do that. I want to have enough money, just have stability and I don't want to be sad. 
How do you not get divorced?
As far as I can see most of the people that are together are miserable with eachother, or to irritating and boring to ever considering wanting their life. People are with someone, then they marry them, then they both change, and hate eachother. Then, they either stay together miserable until they die or get divorced and go be miserable with someone else.
This feels like such a weird time to be lauhing.. 
