Angst? Me? Never.

This has been a pretty relaxing Sunday. Been nowhere. Seen no one apart from mum and John. Actually I've barely seen John but I got to spend time with my mum not getting wound up so that was nice. It's good to be calm after yesterday. I finished a whole book yesterday in the end. I didn't mean to read it as fast as I did, because it was good and the sort of story that could have lasted me a nice week of day dreaming. Not that I regret reading it all. It really was a good book. Sometimes people say, that if you read fast you don't really get the grips with the whole story, because you aren't taking enough of it in. I think that's bollocks because I don't actually realise I'm reading quickly until the book is finished. In a lot of ways, I think my method is better because I get to take in more uninterrupted. And sometimes I need to read fast, because it keeps my focus in that story rather than in my own head. My mind has become pretty unbearable recently. Whenever it gets the chance to it starts me thinking about things that make me sad and then my imagination stops functioning so I can't pull myself out of it and then I'm quiet and everyone gets jumpy and wondering what's wrong and I hate that. Noughts And Crosses was definitely my saviour this weekend, and I don't think that that is an overstatement either. It's weird. I would usually have an explanation for all this, even if the explanation was that there wasn't one. The funny thing is that... there is but I honestly don't know how to talk about it. When I think about it, I know that it isn't bad. It's just bad in my head. Sometimes I think I'm only keeping it in to justify my being sad about it because if I told somebody then I know they would look disinterested and make me feel as though I was being stupid about the whole thing. Being stupid doesn't delete "the thing" from existance so I don't know how that is supposed to help me. If anything it just makes me even more frustrated with myself.
So that's why I read fast. There were inbetween moments where my mind went bad but most of yesterday, in the end was spent inside a completely different story. It took me away from myself completely, and that's what made it an amazing story.

The book I started today isn't doing that so much. But I know that it will have some proper effect eventually. It's a Meg Rosoff book, so I know it'll take me a while to get into properly.

It's funny how when I was cutting myself off in the summer holidays I didn't notice how my life had started to completely revolve around books.

I am officially a number. My national insurance card came today, lol.

John's independent living certificate came too, at last. It seems like ages ago we did that course with him now. I'm definitely going to shove it into dad's face when I next see him.

I had a big plan for everything that I was going to do today. I even made myself a little timetable thing, because I have so much coursework to get done. It was not to be. It's getting on for 1pm and I have done absolutely nothing. I'm going to have to work all day tomorrow . I know it's my own fault and everything but that doesn't make me feel like I can be bothered any more.

So that's my big exciting day. Crap I made myself sad again.

My Day. Hmmm what to write.

Well, I found out that I'm definitely not going to Barcelona.

£400 if she can keep it that low. Sounded like it was a big if as well. Plus the £60 it would probably cost to get a passport. So lets say she can't keep the price down and it goes up to about £425. Add another £60 onto that. It's getting on for £500.

And I'm not asking my dad. I'm making sure I owe him nothing so I can disappear completely with no added guilt.

I also still haven't told Rose that the whole London thing has gone all wrong. I suppose it's because I'm kind of hoping that she's still somehow going to be able to come. I knew something would go wrong if Hugh got involved. But nobody ever listens to me. Obviously.

Another insult from one of the nerds today. Beanie decided to start asking if one of them knew who I was because she refuses to believe that they are just crap. He said he had no idea who I was. I'm not saying I can't accept people not knowing who I am, because I can. Because lots of people don't. I just don't see how you can spend hours talking to someone and then have them pretend they don't know who you are like 2 months later. It's stupid. I still know who he is. And there are lots of people from DofE that now know who I am who I would rather didn't know who I am after something very inappropriate and embarrassing Beanie decided to shout across the campsite. I would say maybe he just didn't know who she was on about if he hadn't of started talking to me and trying to take my mind of the people who were staring at me etc.

Rrr.

Thinking of recommending books, the one I am reading at the moment is amazing. It describes exactly how I feel about my books and how my head works as far as writing is concerned and everything.
Definitely worth reading

http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/m/paul-magrs/exchange.htm

Was gunna write more but John's just come in and he wants his laptop

Later x

I have had a crappy day thanks to an irritating thing that happened to me this morning. I've felt kind of crappy since Meg Cabot anyway but still *frown* what did I do to deserve to be miserable? Well, there w as the whole My Day Was Better Than Yours thing but surely that doesn't mean I deserve a whole week of total miserable-ness. I don't think it does.

So. This morning. It started kind of weirdly anyway because John was being all I'm Taking The Bus To College On My Own because it's part of his course for this year and I was kind of wound up and worried about that 'cause it's weird. Then things got stranger when I arrived at school on time. Not only on time but early! I hate getting there early, everyone is stood upstairs in their little groups and not only is it difficult seeing someone you know but it's kind of hard not to walk into snoggers/ stand on people. From when I've been early before I pretty much know it's just Beanie there talking to people I don't really know that well, so I headed over to where she had been the last time I got there before reg. As normal she was surrounded by the so called "Cool nerds". She did mock shock the OMG Your Here!? thing so I did the Wow I Know It's Amazing First Time I've Managed This Week and then when I turned around the stupid nerds where giving each other and look and rolling eyes thing! Not like messing around either. It was proper death stares I Really Hate You Why Did You Come Over Here And Ruin My Morning You Bitch kind of looks.

What have I ever done to them?

Really. There was an awkward silence after I came and everything. I've kind of noticed stuff like this before but I've always ignored it and told myself I was being paranoid.

Well today confirmed it.

The nerds (no longer the "cool" nerds to me. They are crap. The Crap Nerds) hate me. Why why why? I've never done anything to them. I thought they were kind of weird anyway because they were really nice to me and Rose through DofE and we must have talked to them until about 3am but then as soon as we got back to school they started to blank us again (except Beanie). Why do they hate me? Why do they like Beanie and hate me? Really, I don't think I even speak that much in the mornings so I don't know what I could have said to make them hate me. And they showed no signs of hating me at DofE. One guy in partucular (the eye rolling instigator, in fact) really didn't seem to hate me on DofE. Idiots. Stupid. Crap.Why do they hate me but like Beanie? Beanie isn't even very nice since she started her whole jackel and hyde thing again.

Why do I care?

I hate them. How dare they make me feel even more like crap than I already did.

Assholes.

Meg Cabot was amazing. Really, her talk was so funny and just… really really really reaalllyyyy great. I was kind of worried about it because of that You Shouldn’t Meet Your Heroes thing. I wouldn’t exactly say that she’s my “hero” or anything but I was still worried about her not being… nice or whatever ‘cause I didn’t want to spoil her books for myself. Like, a couple of years ago I was into My Chemical Romance in a big way, but then I saw an awful interview with Gerard way and I thought he was such a dickhead it totally put me off them. People say that it doesn’t actually affect the music, but it does, because whenever I listen to them now that stupid smug interview comes to mind. He was such an idiot and I’m so so SOOOO glad the same thing didn’t happen with Meg Cabot. She was brilliant. And funny. The whole thing wasn’t as formal as the other writers’ talks that I’ve been to. I’ve only been to two others but at both of them there was always an interviewer and the whole thing just seemed so formal. But with this there was just Meg on stage with a powerpoint showing some photos with helped her to explain her books a bit better. Most of the books are actually written around things that have happened to her, like in the Princess Diaries. Lol, that all starting when her mum went out with her teacher, so she wrote and story about it and when her friends told her that it wasn’t interesting enough she was like “Okay, I’ll make her a princess then.” Hehe. And lol, the kind of.. well, villain (i.e bitch of the book) Lana is real. And because when she first wrote the book she never actually thought that it would get published she didn’t bother changing this Lana girls name. After the first film came out she got a letter from Lana, and she was fully expecting it to be something about suing her but it started with “I never knew that you were a princess!”

From this we are supposed to learn that maybe mean girls aren’t deliberately mean. They’re just kind of stupid.

And Bath. Omg. I LOVE it there. I actually want to live there. It’s all beautiful and everything. We went to see the baths and they are really pretty. I don’t know if any of this will mean much to anybody apart from me but my favourite was the sort of inside one. The cool bath, were the people went to cool down. It’s full of money and they have naked “romans” projected onto the walls. Beware. They can kind of make you jump.
We tried the water as well. I didn’t know that it was going to be hot so that was a little bit of a shock. It tasted all right but kind of soapy. I didn’t realise we were drinking from the pool that we could see. I actually looked pretty dirty.
Ahh well. I’m not ill. Yet.

I like the way that there’s loads of people busking like in London. There was a guy juggling with fire when we first got there and a violin player with a funny expression it was really hard not to laugh at.

And the fudge. Yummy yummy amazing expensive fudge. Don’t be fooled by the “free sample” lady. The massive pieces aren’t the free samples. (we learnt the hard, expensive way).

We didn’t see Charlie. . But I guess you can’t have everything. We’ll probably tell Beanie and Kailee we did though. Just ‘cause it’s funny.

http://www.megcabot.com/

Came online to yet another life affirming, informative chain letter from Abbie.

Who doesn't need 21 peices of totally useless advice?

I can't believe people actually bother with chain letters.
Let's see...

Most of the various different people on the list have sent it to about 10 people.
Why?
Why does anyone care?

How is someone going to know if I smile when I pick up the phone?

I hate Paul whathisface. He's the one who started it off.

I've never met him but I hate him.
Stupid chain letter starting twat.

It seems to me that as things are at the moment, people only decide to give a damn when something is directly to do with them. I know that this doesn't actually include everyone, but to me, right now, it seems that most of the student population of my school are this way.
I hear totally offensive things said about special needs students so many times a day. Whenever someone does something stupid they get shot back at with the standard "You retard" and tbh I am totally sick of it. People do impressions and take the piss constantly. My new maths room was a room that had previously been used for students like my brother. Certain members of my class wouldn't shut up about the humiliation of having to be taught in the "retard room".
It makes me so angry, because I know that I am in the position to make them shut up, but I don't really want to do it the way I can. Plus sometimes when you do show the fact you're pissed off with it worse stuff gets said. Lol, once when I did tell someone to please shut up I got asked if I had a Retard Brother Or Something. You have no idea how awkward it was when I said yes. Except, of course, I changed the choice of words. It's strange how the second you explain why what they're saying is wrong you suddenly become interesting to them. They become suddenly mature and sympathetic, and start asking (way to interested) questions about your life. And even if I did bother to explain (which I don't) they wouldn't get it anyway because surely, if there was ever any way they would understand they wouldn't have said something that pissed me off enough to share in the first place,
And I don't get the simpathy crap either. My brother is pretty much a happy person. He isn't bitter that he's not the same as all the other boys his age. Looking at them, I don't think he's missing much either. Life is difficult with him sometimes, and I bitch at him too much but like... so what. Really. Whenever I re-design my life I've never created a John without aspergers. Because really... A john without aspergers wouldn't be John would it? He's a total pain in the arse but I do love him.
An insult to some random kid with difficulties that I don't know is still like a direct insult to my brother. I know a lot of people that feel this way. So why, exactly, should some no-nothing, immature twat be able to insult him? Change the very thing that makes him who he is into an insult? Why has this become total common place now? All of the things I'm talking about have been said in the direct hearing of a teacher... And what have they done? Nothing.

So this whole thing is about worth, right?

Who's worth more:

The 20-odd kids ashamed of being in the "retard room"

or

My brother. Who, incidentally, has never actually been mean to anyone apart from me in his life. I don't count obviously, 'cause I'm his sister. If we weren't mean to each other we'd be total freaks.

First week: Over.

Not bad as first weeks go. Probably could have been better. Probably could have been worse.

However. I think I have had an epiphany.

Facts: I am a worrier. I make myself crap at things. I decide that I will be crap at something and then give up and let the worrying have me. This is not a good approach to life, I have discovered.

My worrying doesn’t make me work harder. It makes me give up.

But the thing is, in the last few months, 2 of my friend’s have irritated me very much. They pretty much believe that I am stupid. And I don’t think, really, that I am. I think that I could be clever. I didn’t fail my science. So there.

Anyway. The point. My new incentive to make myself work at home and be amazing and science and Spanish is this: Piss off Beanie. She gets angry when people are better than her, and her and Jemma enjoy making me feel like I am stupid. Well, I think that’s what it is. So. From now on I am lightening girl who knows everything and is better at Spanish than Beanie girl rather than “Er… because it’s stopped?” girl.

Annoyingly as I was deciding I was going to do this my Spanish teacher took in all my books so I have nothing to revise from but I think I know a couple of good sites.

Work to do.

So I'm glad I went to Jemma's. In the last couple of days my paranoia seems to have been proved wrong. Jemma's party was great, I had a lot of fun even though everyone did take a while to start talking properly. I'm not sure why that was. We had a lot of fun bowling, I'm really crap but I didn't come last . Then we went back to her house and watched dvds and talked about the students she had staying. One of them got stressy over pizzas, apparetly we english just don't make them properly. I had a really good time, I was worried about home and whether or not Hugh and mum were you know but it seems as though everything was ok when I was gone. I'm happy about that. I made friends with a girl there who I didn't know very well before too, which feels kind of good considering how bad I am at that stuff.
My friends don't care about how I look.
They really don't.
Although I really wish the photos the students have got of us didn't exist. Instead of taking photos early in the evening when everyone had make-up on and their hair sorted they decided to come in and talk to us when we were all in pyjamas (how do you spell pajamas?) with no make-up on and insane hair. . They left this morining. Jemma's dad said they cried loads at the station. Lol.
This is a crap post. It's just sort of here as a reminder that people don't hate me for the next time I get really paranoid.

Guess what?

I DIDN'T FAIL SCIENCE

I GOT A C!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And some award for child development last year, which was horrible because I had to stand up in front of everyone and go and get my award. Plus I was right at the top of the theatre so I had the whole dillemma of wanting to walk down and grap it as quick as possible but not wanting to make loads and loads of noise.
I have a £5 book voucher though which is good! They hardly ever actually give you something you'd like at these things but I'm very very happy with that. Took me a while to actually get the book token out of the envelope once I'd got back to my seat. You know when you have to do something scary and when you've done it you feel like you are shaking madly but it's actually just internal and you're fine? Well it turned out not to be internal. In the end Rose got so annoyed she just snatched the envelope and opened it for me. Pretty useful really seeing as a couldn't use my hands for a while. The only problem is I don't have any money apart from my book token and I'm not entirely sure whether or not my dad is still in this country so I probably won't be getting any any time soon.

You may also have noticed that I'm not at Jemma's (actually I'm the only one that noticed. but I don't care.) But that is because it turned out it's tomorrow. Lol. So I guess I was worrying for nothing. And I asked her what she got on her actual birthday and she didn't mention any thing Paramore cd-esque so I'm ok.
I just have to make her a card now.
I'm crap at making cards. But all my friends make them and write massive things about how much they love you and say lots of funny things. I'm crap at this too. I'm not funny and I'm bad at telling my friends I love them. I don't even hug most of them. I kind of thought I should today, when Kailee told me she got an A* but I didn't. She'd already hugged me earlier though so I guess it's ok. I know what I'm going to put on the card though. I'm kind of cheating seeing as I'm not actually going to draw anything. I'm going to print out loads of pictures of Owen from Torchwood and do something with them. She really fancies Owen. I really don't know why. It's kind of because of that time he was in Eastenders in the bus crash and he was all really dead but still trying to walk home... anyone see that? It freaked me out a lot.

Also sad news. Sad news doesn't really cover it, and if I write what I'm really thinking about it I'm going to seem really phoney 'cause the rest of my post is really happy. A boy from my school died over the summer holidays. He was blind and I knew he had a lot of health problems from things that his sister had heard in my english class. I don't really know his sister. She was sitting behind me in assembly when they announced that he's died and that the girl just wanted to be treated normally so she could get on with everything. I heard her start crying. I've always thought she was kind of amazing anyway, because I knew her brother was really ill from things people had told me and I always noticed how she was just so happy, she's funny and everything. It's just really sad. And strange. I used to see him every day and now he's just.. not there anymore.
I was thinking about him a lot this afternoon and I made the mistake of telling my mum. I'm such an idiot the way I didn't think about it or anything. Telling her upset her a lot.
But then, when you think about it, however upset she gets it's nothing compared to what his family are now.

I've tried to write this sentence a lot of times so it sort of.. gets out what I'm thinking. Like... I want to distract myself, and not think about it which is why I wrote all of the stuff up there about school.. because thinking about it too much makes my stomach hurt and I just feel.. sad. And strange, like about the fact.. despite you didn't know the person they were still someone you saw every day.. and like.. that's never going to happen again. So I want to distract myself, by writing rubbish on here but then.. what right do I have to be distracted? When they can't ever be. But then if I really thought about that (which I try not to) doesn't that mean that ever being happy is selfish? Just because other people aren't? That would make no sense. But then if you think about it in a certain way it would..

Anyway. Books. I finished About A Boy yesterday. It was amazing. I still don't like it as much as Long Way Down but I liked it a lot more than High Fideslity. I didn't really enjoy High Fidelity. I think it was mostly because whatever I tried to think i couldn't change my opinion on the main character being an irritating no nothing arsehole. I just started A Spot Of Bother by mark Haddon. You know, the guy that wrote The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time (which is also an AMAZING book, seriuosly. Read it). It says in the book I have now he also writes poetry so I definitely want to read some of that too. Our library got a lot better stocked in the time I didn't use it for so I have a better time there now. I went last week and obviously got the compulsory Meg Cabot books. I love her books. They make me happy. I CAN'T WAIT TILL I GOT TO HER TALK. Will I have the nerve to go and tell her how much I love her books? Probably not.

This has gone on far too long.

The title?
We are writing a song in spanish to the tune of Relight My Fire by Take That. I still think S-Club would have been better.

Can I go out?

Ok. This isn't really a question. I have to go and I can't get out of it now.

But can I really go out? Because what's the point in going if I'm just going to be worried about home the whole time, if I'm just actually sitting around waiting for it to be Saturday morning so I can go home and make sure everything's ok. Even though everything isn't ok, and even if I was here it wouldn't make anything ok. All it would mean is that she wouldn't be by herself.
Although if I didn't go now then everything would be even worse because she would blame herself for me not going out and then feel even worse so I would feel bad and ask myself why I didn't just go out in the first place.
Hmm.
And Hugh might come round. All Hugh does is make things worse and I won't be here to tell him what a twat he is and make him leave. Even though at the time it'll seem like him leaving is even worse than him staying, and everyone will be even more stressed and miserable for a while, but then, in the end when we talk about it him not being there will be a good thing because we will have talked and I will kid myself that I have helped even though I know perfectly well that the next morning (or after Hugh's next phone call. Whichever comes first) everything will be bad again.
Nothing changes whether I go out or not.
But I'm going to be worried.
And going out when I'm worried isn't a good idea because if I thow up that would be embarassing.
And horrible.
But when I think about that I haven't been sick for months. Why should it happen now? I have got way more panicked in one go than this, and I was fine. I might even enjoy myself tomorrow. Who knows? Maybe I'll be good at bowling. I doubt it.
So I'm going whatever.
So why am I writing this?

I hope Rose is going. I don't know why but she tends to want to hang out with me and these type of things.

But then I've barely seen or spoken to her in the last few weeks so why should she want to this time?

Crap I'm going to awkward tomorrow.

But that's ok, I'll get over it. And it's not like it's just me going, there's going to be a group. It might be a good thing, I'll be somewhere where I'll end up speaking to people I don't normally expect to. I know that for the first part of it I'll be nervous but when I calm down I can sort of talk to people. That's what I normally find anyway. And I'll have a whole day of school to do that. I'll be fine.

I wish I knew how to help my mum though. But that is totally out of my hands. I have said this a lot of times but I don't know if anyone read it so if you're hearing this for the seventy thousandth time... tough. I hear it double that every day . As of July next year, we don't have enough money. John will be 19 and mum looses her carers allowance, a lot of tax credit and John's chid benefit. Her actual earnings without any help come to less than £80 a week. We're loosing something like £200 a week. That's bad anyway, but then my mum says she feels like a failure 'cause she hasn't done anything with her life. Which I don't think is true, but all she thinks about is how she's wasted her life and how there isn't much of it left and how there isn't any point all the time now. I don't know how to help with that, short I promise that I'll stay forever, which was the answer I had when I was 7 and it didn't do me much. I can't make her better. I know that she isn't a failure. Ok, she isn't some massive career woman because she wanted to actually be around when we were growing up but...
I can't even explain all of it. There's too much stuff. She's just getting to the point where she can't cope again. Then she tells me lots of stuff then feels bad and says she shouldn't tell me stuff but surely she has to tell me stuff, 'cause really, who else is there? People say they want to sort everything out for her but where are they now? The main person is starting his new life with his new (huge) family. Which is fair enough, he hasn't forgotten about my mum. Just he's been saying the last 4/5 years he's going to make it so she make a living writing and he hasn't exactly done it yet. Mostly because his name goes on most of what she writes. But then I can't say that and be mean about 'cause he's done loads for us.

And then there's the John factor. He has applied for loads of jobs this holidays, most places didn't need anybody and everywhere else didn't even bother telling him he hadn't got the job. He finishes school properly soon, then what? My dad will probably stop giving any money for him even though John being and adult doesn't count. He's not an adult. Everyone that meets him would think he is twelve or thirteen. He looks it.. acts it.

And then there's Hugh, again. She wasn't ok yesterday, I knew that but she wasn't ok in a way that an episode of Friends would distract her. Until Hugh phoned anyway, then she was angry and crying and I was up until 1.30am trying to do something. But what? There is nothing I can do. I don't want her to be sad but how can I change that? If anyone has any idea tell me please. Please. She can't carry on being constantly worried and stressed forever. Something has to give somewhere, surely.

There's still lots of things I want to say. I can't sort them out enough though.

This is where everything I'm meant to believe in is supposed to come in. But how can it when I can't even g to church? I want to so much after talking to Jason and being around him, but he's hardly ever here. What am I supposed to do the rest of the time. If I was meant to be going then why is it so hard? Nobody there can be arsed to talk to you if they don't know you. Everyone that goes to my mum church are all from both parents there and in love rich familys, they're all beautiful and perfect and have buckets of confidence. therefore that's what the "youth" section caters for. Which is why when I finally got up the nerve to go I ended up having to stand in front of all the perfect looking, perfect family, intimidating people and do stupid drama. With a group of people who weren't even that interested in talking to me.

I have to go eat.