Well, sort of anyway. My mum has something called an ectopic heart beat. Basically it means that your heart misses a beat or does a half beat or something and then has to do a really big beat to make up for it. (I think). It's common and won't cause her any problems, so we're happy. Celebrated with ice cream. My healthiness has definitely gone wrong in the last couple of days.
I HATE laptops. They're annoying and stupid to type on. And for that reason I won't type anymore.
Smoulderer
You try to keep your feelings under control, and this can sometimes be a sensible option. But taken too far, this means bottling up your anger, fear or grief, gritting your teeth and fuming uselessly. Your ill feelings may seep out in insiduous ways you don't even recognise, for example being unhelpful to other people. They may even resent your silent anger. You run health risks such as addiction and heart disease, depression and weakened immune system.
I personally don't think that's me. Well, some of is. But I don't fume in silence. I'm horrible and I upset people and they don't know why, then I say sorry several thousand times five minutes later until they are more annoyed about the sorrys than they were about whatever bitchy thing I said to them.
Back from doing another walking around the village delivering leaflets for Steve’s magazine thing with John. I was enjoying myself to start off with (which was weird because I didn’t want to go) but after a while it get boiling and stressy so I had to keep talking loads so I didn’t go into worrying irritated mode.
John fell through a front door while trying to deliver a leaflet, which was pretty funny.
I just embarrassed myself in front of our neighbors. I got in their way by standing in somewhere they needed to pull into and not realising. They laughed at me, so it’s okay. But still . I have nice nieghbors, it’s a shame they’re both people I am terrified of and awkward around though. You’d think I wouldn’t be, seeing as their nice but to be honest that just makes it worse. And there’s the fact that I was probably all red and stupid just now. I think that people that get embarrassed a lot should be immune from blushing, it would make life easier for them. People that don’t get embarrassed about anything should be the blushing ones, because they barely ever have to do it. Why do people blush? I don’t get the point of it. Actually, seriously why? If anyone knows can you tell me? I’m interested now.
Me and John went up to the farm where we used to walk a lot with mum and Tasha when we were little. I haven’t been up there for nearly 5 years but it still looks the same. We can’t take Barney up there. Tasha was bad with other dogs too ‘cause she thought she owned the village but she wasn’t as bad as Barney is. It’s impossible to take him up the farm. Tasha, our old dog was weird, she hated dogs and everyone else around the village, because she thought it was hers but as soon as you took her out of the village she was every dog’s best friend. People that knew her from the village but saw her other places thought she was mad. She probably was. She was lovely, even though I don’t remember much of her being young now. She was 17 when she died. Got really close to 18, too. I hope Barney gets really old as well, ‘cause we all love him to pieces even though he is much more of a freak than Tasha ever was. This won’t interest anyone but me but if I can get them onto the computer I’ll show you a picture of Tasha sometime. It depends if I can use the scanner on my own, I don’t like the mention her to my mum ‘cause she gets upset.
There’s lots of photos I’d like to put on here actually. Of me and John when we were teeny and stuff. There’s actually a really nice photo with my mum and holding baby John… Tasha’s in the picture too. It’s stuck to my cuboard, along with the other ones. I want to show them ‘cause they’re all important… and funny. Lol. Most of them are me and my brother, it’s weird how it shows us as being really close. I guess we are. We are more now than we were a while ago. When I’m happier I make more effort, when I’m not it seems like we can go for days barely saying anything to each other. And one of the things with John is that… like… I’m always going to be the on making all the effort, and even then if he doesn’t want to co operate he won’t. I just have to remember that when I can’t get out of my bad moods, I don’t want to loose my brother, look back at it and think it must have been because I couldn’t be bothered. Even though I do moan about him a lot. It’s just ‘cause it’s the summer, I’m here most of the time so being with him isn’t…. diluted, like it is during term.
Not that that makes me want to go back to school.
I’m dreading it.
Someone told the weather is supposed to be good in September though, so at least that’s something. There is nothing more depressing that trudging over the bridge in the rain trying to get from one side of school to other. Especially when all the twats in year 7 decide to stop walking so nobody can get past. So sun will be good. I will be positive about this
I am in my room once again. Feeling very fat but satisfied. Me and my mum possibly just ate the nicest choclate cake ever. Ever. We kind of deserved it though.. well, her more than me. But still, it was nice. We ate is while John was watching yet another of his Police Camera Action programs. I swear they are on all the time. I really don't get why he loves them so much, every episode is pretty much the same as the last AND most of the are repeats that he's already seen at least 3 times. I always seem to come in in exactly the same bit every time as well.
My mum had to have an ECG this morning. She's had this heart thing for a while. It's probably a stress thing but it picked up irregular heartbeat so she has to go back again tomorrow. I don't know how to try to make things less stressful 'cause when I try she gets more stressed because I'm trying to unstressify stuff. She keeps asking me if I'm worried every 5 minutes. Lol, me, worry?
She wants to be with someone most. She wants a man that she is actually with, not someone who... well, not who she's with basically. She says she wants someone to share everything with.. like, worries and stuff. I worry about everything too, but not in a way which means that I can help. Especially when part of the worries is me. Hopefully she'll meet someone at Steve and Rebecca's wedding thing. Vannessa Felts is going, lol, maybe we can talk her into getting my mum some crappy celebrity collum. It'd be regular work.
And finally, you really really have to see Finding Neverland. It's amazing. (and not just because of Johnny Depp). This advert is actually really crap, and I don't think I would have been so interested in the film if I'd seen that first but like... it's amazing anyway. I wonder how much the deep voice guy gets payed...
Hehe, it's a really teeny Charlie Bucket/ Jared/ August Rush xD
Finding a notebook in this house is impossible. I actually have this mini shelf of them but all of them are full. I need and empty one. I can’t start writing new stuff in ones that already have crap is because it’s annoying. Plus – and I don’t know why this is – but I never actually go through all the pages in order. I just sort of flip open to a random page so whenever I do start in a certain place and start writing something within a few pages I’ll come back to some other crap I started ages ago. And I can never remember which notebook I wrote in and where so whenever I want to add to something I can’t because by the time I’ve looked through all of them the urge is gone and then it’s just pointless. Sigh.
Who watched Finding Neverland last night? It’s amazingggg. Sad, but amazing. Johnny Depp is such a good actor. It’s such a good film. Although I guess I could e biased, I love all things Peter Pan.
My brother is really irritating me now. We really need to get him a life, his whole existence revolves around tv and what we’re going to have to eat tonight. He’s just asking me through my door when I’m going to be done up here.
John: Do you wanna watch tv now?
Me: Erm. I don’t know
John: (sound of him making his ANNOYING irritated at me noise) what kind of time?
Me: In a while
John: How long is a while exactly?
Me: I don’t know.
(Sound of John hitting self)
I’ve been in my room for about 4 hours now, so I guess I should come out sometime soon. I’m trying really hard not to get cross with John anymore (as of yesterday) because I do a lot at the moment, because he keeps hitting and biting himself and it’s driving me insane. The second someone does something he doesn’t want he starts, he won’t do anything, he can’t make any decisions, any questions you ask him leads to further hitting and biting himself, and yelling at me, and telling me I think I’m better than him all the time, and I think I’m better than him all the time, and then more hitting and biting himself and then me yelling at him to stop it and then him saying What Am I Doing? I Didn’t Do Anything you know what you did john No What Do I Do It’s Perfectly Normal You Just Think You’re Better Than Me But You’re Not and then if there is anything in my reach I hurl is at his head he hurls it back and then my mum starts yelling and then John starts saying he’s sorry and it’s all his fault and more hitting and biting himself and saying sorry and it’s all his fault and he feels guilty but hitting and biting himself and upsetting everyone all over again anyway….
And today it’s my fault because I didn’t take him round the village delivering leaflets. Lol, “today it’s my fault”. Forget that, it’s always my fault. Sometimes I’m completely sure what I do. I try really hard to keep my patience, but…
Well I’m crap at it, basically.
Most of the time I just think he hates me. Hates us. He’s started talking to my mum the way he’s always spoken to me now, which is irritating too. I have to edit so much for her, but he gets away with saying anything.
Although I don’t edit nearly as much as I used to.
Hmmm….
I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. Oh the joys of copy and paste. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will not hurl boxes of paracetamol at my brother. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience. I will keep my patience.
…. Was a huge waste of time. When we got there, there were so many people queuing the get into the cinema it was obvious that no one was going to enjoy it anyway, because John can get kind of stressed about it when there are too many people there. We already knew it was going to be busy, ‘cause it was a Wednesday and everything but no one really.. thought it would be quite as busy as it was seeing as the fayre and the bike show were there as well.
We didn’t get into the film. There were 5 seats left but all dotted around in different places (fun) but there were 6 of us anyway. Yes, 6. Hugh’s dad came. Luckily I didn’t have to be in his company long because once we found out we couldn’t get in to see the film Hugh’s mum threw a massive strop and stormed off, as if by running out of tickets they were personally offending her. Then Hugh was in a mood because there were no tickets and then him and his parents were arguing about them getting the bus home….
They are such an idiot family.
Really, John didn’t even get in a mood that we weren’t going to get in, despite the fact that he had been expecting to go all day. (this was probably mostly down to the bike show.. but still, it is good for him). So yeah, then Hugh’s parents left and we were stuck at the bike show “with” Hugh. When Hugh gets in a mood when we’re out (i.e all the time, I never quite get what we do wrong.) He walks off really fast ahead of us and does this really annoying “bom bom bom” singing. He was doing that at the bike show, along with the false and over enthusiastic WOW LOOK AT THAT BIKE! The bike which was, by the way, the same as the other 200 we had walked past already. John enjoyed himself, at least. Mum didn’t though, I hate it when she’s all worried. I hate Hugh’s mum, she blamed us for being late, it’s not our fault. There’s lots to do, like, my mum had to work until the last minute anyway because there is lots to do at the moment, just because Sylvia sits around all day and doesn’t do anything doesn’t mean everybody else lives the same. Anyway, when my mum is worried it’s like… I don’t want to sound weird but it’s like she’s giving off an aura or something, just sitting in a room with her when she is upset or something makes me jumpy. I sort of wish I wasn’t so… in tune with her. Sometimes. Most of the time, actually.
I ended up looking at the sea for a while though, which was nice. I like the sea, and sunsets and stuff. They have a whole… freedom thing to them. It’s a bit difficult to worry about all the stupid things I spend all my time worrying about when I watch the sky being all pretty. Lol, chee-sey. Sorry. I like the idea of swimming away from everything that I worry about as well. If I had a time machine I would definitely go back and re-choose my GCSE choices.
I don’t think that I was quite like this when I chose them though, I feel as though I felt like I could do more when I chose them, I felt like I would be ok with the choices that I made but.. now I’m not. Obviously. That can only mean that I’ve got worse with the worrying stuff this year. The thing that frustrates me about it is that I don’t know why. I’d like it if there was some proper reason why I get so worried… but… there just isn’t. It’s not like I have a particularly difficult existence. Well, I wouldn’t if every thing I did I didn’t have to turn over in my mind and worry about afterwards. There’s other stuff in my head, too. Stuff that I can’t really talk about because it’s a little bit too weird. Honestly though, if I didn’t have the mind that I have everything would be really easy. That’s why I sometimes get depressed and feel stupid about this blog, I’m writing about things, and worrying about them loads when like.. some people… ok, most people would look at them a think “Whoa, I wish that was all I worried about” or whatever. Hmmm. Why does worrying about something so little a lot make me ill? If it was big things then I would be able to understand it but.. it isn’t. None of it is.
Hmmm.
There is a glitch in my brain.
That is the only conclusion I can come up with.
It isn’t even worrying I do anything about either, because like… well, you know when you worry about something and someone says to you that if you do do it then it won’t be nearly as bad as you think or… do it and you’ll find that you’re good at it.. that kind of stuff. Well.. with me, most of the time it feels like whatever it is I was worrying about, it’s always as bad as I was worrying and whatever I try and do anyway and find that I’m good at.. I’m not. So.. for me, I think, not doing anything about any of it is easier, because it helps me to avoid the like.. frustration I feel with myself when it all goes wrong. Which it definitely will. What happens if I’m the person who people always say to me, “Don’t worry, you’ll find something you’re good at eventually” but… I don’t.
That would be depressing.
Stopping this now. I need to go on my dance mat for an hour or so ‘cause it tells me how many calories I lose and it’s kewl.
Plus…. I sort of ate ice cream last night.
It’s a cave man thing, I think. We were born not to be able to resist it when it’s in the house. Would anyone have expected me to sit there and watch John and mum eating it while I couldn’t have any?
Today, I’m going to have a moan about hair. I know, that considering I had a moan about various other things to do with how I look yesterday, this could make me seem like a very superficial self obsessed person which like… well, I don’t think I am. Not all the time anyway. I’m just self conscious (which you would be too, if you were me).
Right, anyway. Like I said: my hair. It’s annoying, for a start, it takes about a million years to straighten which means I generally can’t be bothered and even when it does it all falls all over my face.. which would be ok but it’s a bit difficult when I want to talk to people.. or if someone wanted to know which side of my head my face was on (dentists etc). AND I would assume this is normal except it isn’t, because SHE can wear her hair down and put it where she wants without it then falling over her face again the second she takes her hand away.
(first person that came to mind.. I love Desperate Housewives.)
There, her hair stays normal, and isn’t in front of her eye. Mine, if I sat like that would be all over my face instantly.
I know I can just tuck it behind my ear but I don’t want to. And, even when I do that this really long bit falls out and goes all over my face anyway. For a while I thought it would be better if I had bigger ears but actually I’m kind of glad I don’t.. ears are pretty much the only thing I don’t think about.
This summer has gone kind of wrong. I’m worried about going back to school. I have a lot of RE notes I should have printed out and I should be learning, but my printer credits (I HATE the printer credit system at my school, I don’t know why they told me to print all my coursework out then took away my printer credits. Idiots. Now I am actually going to be murdered by my teacher if she finds out, AND I can’t do it at home because I don’t have power point.. and when I say she will murder me I actually mean it, she seriously will. Although, actually, when I think about that might not be such a bad thing, it would solve the problem of all the worrying I’m going to do throughout the next year or so. Hmmm..) I had this plan to spend time each day going through the RE notes I do have and learning some more Spanish. I haven’t even looked at it. The only time I have touched the pile of school stuff on my floor is when it was in the way of a drawer I needed to open. It’s not really surprising I’m crap. Do you know the first thing I’m going to be told when I get back to school is that I failed a science GCSE?
I know I sound irritating now. But I’m not going to sit here and act like it went really well when it didn’t.
At least my table didn’t fall over.
I’m going to see Mamma Mia! With everyone again tonight. I sort of don’t want to because it’s sort of… weird. Plus Hugh and his mum will be there and I hate Hugh (obviously) and his mum is…. It could be worse though, it could be his dad coming. That would definitely be worse.
Oooo, one more thing. I went to see Peter Pan on Saturday. It was amazing and funny except there was this one really stupid guy sat a couple of seats down from us who thought he was amazing and that the actors would be really impressed by him because he was in a couple of plays. Plus he started making really weird noises when the pirates where talking to Wendy. http://www.heartbreakproductions.co.uk/
Go and see one of their plays, I saw A Midsummer Night’s Dream a couple of months ago and that was really good too. J
I’ve just found out by accident that there is a Goog.com http://www.goog.com/
Who knew?
I’m not sure what the point of it is though. It’s basically Google but with a weird thing with a woman asking her husband about what he would do if she was dead…
Plus I don’t think I mentioned WE HAVE NEW SOFAS!!!!!!!!!!!!
They came on Monday and they are comfy and lush.
We’ve been talking about getting new sofas for about 4 years but mum always decides not to except for now obviously!
Starting the new Georgia Nicholson one now (Y). The books, unlike the film, are amazing. The film was crap. Dave the L was the idiot boy off the BT adverts and Robbie wasn't as hot as he should have been. (i.i he wasn't the guy off Mean Girls like he is in my head). Very crap film. Plus Felix had to pee so many times while it was on. I swear he has bladder control problems. He couldn't even just leave subtly either, he had to run across the screen everytime.
I have.. nothing else to say.
Well, actually, I do. I have now been pretty much totally healthy for 2 weeks (apart from 3 ferraro roches and 5 boiled sweets) well, and flapjack but it was home made so it was a bit less fatty and oats are good for you so it isn't totally bad anyway, I STILL LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME! When I'm not supposed to. I've gone running loads except I didn't today because I haven't really done much sleeping for the past week and my mum told me not to go because she thought I would pass out or something (she's even more paranoid than me, I swear). Anyway instead I did an hour on my dance mat (lost over 300 calories!!) but I feel, and look no different.
Which is annoying.
Going out with everyone the other day made me more motivated in the whole loose wieght thing, because as usual they all looked all perfect and slim etc. It's not happening though. AND I was hoping I could be skinny and flat stomached for Becca's wedding but that won't happen unless I don't eat for 3 weeks which.. isn't practical. I like food. I haven't had any chocolate for 2 weeks! Dedication! I should be skinny just because of the effort. Extreme self control should burn calories. I've lookd up stomach toning exercises but they are extremely painful. I expect I will wake up paralysed tomorrow. That should be interesting when I try and go jogging. Which I wil do, 'cause I feel better today. Well, prety much.
You know, my dad is on holiday for 2 weeks, and he told me that him and Mandy are eating out every night.
How can they afford that?
How is that possible?
Plus like.. what should I do next year if mum can't keep writing? 'Cause she will go insane working in an office and she's been mostly okay recently and I don't want her to get sad and angry all the time again.. hmmm... you know, if she did marry David Tennant not only would she be happy forever but we would have money... I think I'll have to find some way of making him want to marry her. Considering I've never met him, he has a girlfriend and probably is several hundred miles away from where I am currently siting could pose a slight problem...
Well, we're seeing his play in October... maybe I could try something then. I'll ask Anthony how he got so good at stalking.
AND, I've turned into an accidental stalker. I keep seeing this guy that works in Sainsbury's everywhere. Not the Hot Sainsbury's Guy unfortunatly, I haven't seen him for ages.. no.. this guy slightly resembles Sid The Sloth, except with a six pack. Everywhere I go he is there. Even when we went passed the swimming pool to get a time table for John which we didn't in the end 'cause mum thought she saw her friend's car and she didn't want to get caught talking because john wanted to be home in time to watch Come Dine With Me. Seriously, hell brakes loose if John misses Come Dine With Me. I told him today we would find out how he could be a contestant on there. I probably should have asked my mum first, thinking about it seeing as she's the one that would have to cook and take him everywhere... ahh well. I'm sure it'll be fine. I have 2 songs in my brain, Go:Audio. I hate them. Well, actually, I kind of like the keyboard bit in She Left Me but apart from that they irritate me to death (so why I'm listening to them I don't know) Because they are so annoying. Like, they have a stupid singer who does all the same.. wait.
Watch that, the stupid singer does all the same hand gestures and even stands and holds the microphone in the same was as every other damn band like theirs. And they all have the same varied on exactly the same thing haircuts everyone in bands like theirs have and they EVEN have the slightly podgey one who looks like the one from Mcfly who looks like Kelly Osbourne. AND it has the same stupid happy ending as every other video has with the nerdy girl. Plus there's always someone with brightly coloured tights. I don't know why. It doesn't seem that neccesary to me.
The sad thing is I can't evem blame this on a sugar rush, 'cause I haven't eaten since Come Dine With Me. (It was become a part of my life now) as all the things John loves unfortunately do. Like Police Camera Action. Have you ever watched it? I see it. Every day. Sometimes more than once. All car program presenters are exactly the same as well, their either fat and think they are sexy and exactly what i want to see while I'm eating my lunch, or fat and extremely over enthusiastic. And they're all old. I've never seen one under 40. Well, I'm guessing anyway. Maybe being around cars a lot makes you age really bad. Hugh's twat friend Tony looks pretty terrible. Lol, does he seriuosly think I'm going to go to Australia to stay with him? The only time I speak to him is when he irritates me. Plus he's nasty to my mum.
Another thing about Go:Audio is that eventually one of them will stop straightening their hair and then there'll be a big thing about it in one of the magazines that Rose reads about Is He Hotter Curly Or Straight? And then when it is decided that he looks better now and straightening hair is crap and gay etc all the topless straight haired posters of him will be torn down and thrown away until he eventually gets around to going out and buying some new GHDs.
Anyway, I'm gunna go now. If anyone actually read this, and got to this stage I congratulate you, you deserve a medal. I can't remember half of what I've written. Be Your Own Pet's first album is amazing. I think get Awkward is slightly... calmer. Which I wouldn't have thought possible until I heard BYOP. Ahh well.
I do actually have to go now. I have to eat, which is good because I've worn myself out.
Yayyayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayay I was gunna write more about it but I just thought someone might come across this so I don't wanna spoil it.
It's great though
Argh. I can't write a post properly today, I'm trying to but I'm on John's laptop and I can't type properly and the screen is weird and the stupid mouse pad thing is DRIVING ME INSANE.
I also got the new Gerogia Nicolson book. I now love Smiths, they were doing buy one get one free and now I have too amazing books I wanted loads and wouldn't have been able to afford other wise.
I think I keep accidentally clicking things with the stupid mouse pad because the cursor keeps jumping around. This is annoying me. The fact that I'm terrified of it isn't helping much either.
Because I don't have very much to do and I was never a very interesting person anyway, I have decided to start a tally chart on how many times the trainee stalker comes to our house every day. It's annoying everyone now. This guy knocks on our door at least 6 times a day to ask John to go out to the park with him, or to ask me to go out to the park with him or just ask loads of stupid stuff and tell us stories that are way to ridiculous to be true. The guy is mad. I feel bad because he's lonely and everything but you can't constantly knock on someone's door every half an hour every day. He's even started knocking just for the sake of it
Oh my god.
He's here again.
Fourth time today. GO AWAY. He was stressing John out, and I just got John back into a good mood for the first time in a few days,
This is ridiculous. No one's answering the door. I wonder if he's gone yet...
Yep.
I might be wrong, but I think the guy is just walking up and down our road. I am beginning to feel really bad, but I can't make eye contact, or speak to him because he scares me, mum is working and he's stressing John out. John isn't exactly a naturally social person.. he doesn't want to be with someone all the time
Ok. I just accidentally deleted a load of what I had written.
. I have nice nieghbors, it’s a shame they’re both people I am terrified of and awkward around though. You’d think I wouldn’t be, seeing as their nice but to be honest that just makes it worse. And there’s the fact that I was probably all red and stupid just now. I think that people that get embarrassed a lot should be immune from blushing, it would make life easier for them. People that don’t get embarrassed about anything should be the blushing ones, because they barely ever have to do it. Why do people blush? I don’t get the point of it. Actually, seriously why? If anyone knows can you tell me? I’m interested now.
