I still feel like crap today. I'm not sure why. And I'm worried about something stupid because my head needs something to focus on. I didn't call someone back last week and now for some reason I'm worried about it?
I humiliated myself at pre-school today. I should have remembered it is a bad omen when I'm not nervous. Having Jasmin there last week, in my mind, took a lot of pressure off. Like, I didn't feel like I was the only person that they would be making allowances for. Plus I was more relaxed because I didn't realise how eggy most of the people there were. Jasmin isn't there this week, and I was okay with it. I was pretty calm about it, and I thought I would be ok. Right. Ok? Me?
All the freaking out I hadn't done suddenly hit me when I walked through the door. I was suddenly extremely nervous and probably very red. I don't think I will think about how attractive that loked. The fact that no one told me how I looked stupid or made tomato references definitely shows I'm not with people my own age. After this I went on to do my general nervous falling over words (and chairs) and just generally making a complete twat out of myself. I managed to forget pretty much everything that I learnt last week and knocked a load of stuff over in the cuboard which made a delightfully loud crash which everybody heard. Then of course they came to see if I was ok and to get other stuff out of the cuboard so I have to attempt to pick of the 500 odd plastic teddies I had knocked down quickly. (Which when your hands are shaking as much as mine where isn't easy). Then the children arrived which was a relief in some ways, it meant I had to go and make an idiot out of myself with small people who would probably notice less.. which was good. I just.. well, I finally managed to start speaking so they could understand towards the end of last week and due to the words sort of coming out in a way that wasn't neccesarily very connected to my brain earned me quite a few vacant stares. 
Then we went up to my old primary school. Not been there for 4 years. Very weird. I thought it was quite funny that half the school has been redone but the main hall still has the same carpet. We went to watch a play that the kids where doing, most of the children behaved which was good. The play was... well, I'm sure it was great but the hall floor has got anymore comfortable in the time I haven't been there so I was thinking more about being in pain than focussing on the play. It was one of those 5 minutes of talking 10 minutes of singing ones. It was a happier play than they used to make us do when I was there though, our plays were always really depressing with the main character dying at the end. I think I might have played some coral once.. 
I had an hour of sitting not doing much to calm down, but of course I didn't. It didn't help that there was a particularly scary year 6 staring at me.. lol.
When we back to pre-school I nearly broke the fridge. What kind of idiot can't open a fridge? ARGH. Not to help that it's one of those stupid kitchens where you can't turn around without elbowing someone in the stomach and there were like 4 people crammed in there. 3 of who were wondering how an apparently 15 year old girl didn't know how to open a fridge. I do have a more detailed explanation about why I couldn't open it but I don't think there's much point in sharing really. When it comes down to it, I couldn't open a fridge.
I have to go back tomorrow.
Send help.
Please.
