Angst? Me? Never.

I'm having one of those weird evenings where I feel insane.

I want to write something that doesn't sound like me.

I want to be really horrible to several people, and I want to get annoyed about all the stupid things. I want to be able to properly talked to a certain person without them making me feel stupid.

I want to go and do something that would hurt Hugh. I want to go and throw big heavy rocks at his precious car and I want to throw screw up that photograph and throw it in his stupid, controllong, ugly, critical, patronising face.

I want to go and tell Mandy that I think she is a bitch, and that she looks like a short fat middle aged bloke and doesn't deserve her stupid nice parents and their huge house.

I want to go and scream at my dad, and tell him how I feel and then I want him to transform into an actual dad in front of my face. And I want to him to make an effort with my brother, I want him to turn into this amazing, understanding person who knows everything and can sort stuff out like dad's are meant to do.

I want mum too finish with Hugh and meet her ideal guy, her ideal guy who will look and act uncannily like David Tennant but my mum's age. I want him to be nice and everything Hugh should have been, I want her to be with someone who loves me and John and doesn't expect us to change everything for him. I want him to love us so much it totally discounts Mandy and Hugh ever existing. I want him to have a family so I'll have other brothers and sisters who can help me not screw everything up with John.

I want someone to make my mum ok, make her know that she's always going to have someone.
I want someone to make her feel safe, someone that won't change into a different person after a few months. Someone she'll be with forever, so she won't ever be lonely again.

I want someone to sort out all our money problems so my mum can write and write what she wants without ever having to worry about keeping the house ever again.

I want someone to look after John properly, I want the NHS to come up with all the answers they never have before, I want them to put together their adolescence into adulthood program and make everything when John stops college less scary. I want them to find him a job and make sure there'll be someone there to take care of him, and show him what to do.

I don't think I'm asking for all that much really.

Note to self: Making lists is bad for sanity.

Music: Liz Phair - Leap Of Innocence

What's wrong?

"Life."

Seriously, what am I meant to say to that?

I kind of imagine that smiley is what you'd look like if you're brain exploded.

But that's just me..

My mum is unhappy today for reasons. She is unhappy because Hugh has gone really distant with her, which makes her think that he is shutting down the way that she has so now she feels like she is on her own. Then she gets sadder 'cause she's sad about the fact that she even cares.

I really do want to help, but I don't know what to say.

When she asked me why she was sad I told her I didn't know, because I'd be happy to be shot of him.

She laughed, which is something.

I have to say something else that is irritating me. There's this girl I still talk to on msn from my AOL days and she's kind of.. well.. miserable and she always has those feeling incredibly sorry for yourself display pictures that have like a picture of a crying kitten on or something saying My Life Is Shit Because Of You I Hate You type things. This mildly irritates me anyway just because.. I hate those things. Today it was something like this:

"Hi"
"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm fine"
"Kewl"
For once, when I say I'm fine I would just like, for once for someone to look me in the eyes and say, tell me the truth."

"Fine" in Beckie language is like "Ok, I'm gunna jump out the window now" So I always, always say, What's Wrong and whenever I do that I get snapped at or just another thing which is someome saying they're really miserable but not actually saying that.

I'm fine with her not wanting to tell me, I mean, that's okay. I just wish she wouldn't totally discount my existance.

I said I always say that to her but then she just says she's fine again but she didn't answer.. then I started talking about rats, I thought there was a giant one in our porch (just don't ask, it's safer really.)
She never answered. I guess I could try and talk to her again now, but I don't know what to say, there's only so many totally one sided conversations I can think of.

Ahh well, better IM her anyway.