Archive - Angst? Me? Never.

I wish people would make up their minds and stick to their decisions. I ended going to look at lots of housey things with my mum that we couldn't possibly afford today, and she was talking about the her and Hugh situation a lot. You know, last summer and all of that stuff.. talking about how she doesn't really understand the situation now. Hugh has started saying that all the 'churchy' stuff has pushed them apart, and that all she does is push him away all the time. Which just.. isn't true. Ok, I can understand how I could be biased but I've been watching this situation most of my life and I still think my mum is right. She did want everything, she wanted to get married and have a house together "A proper family" she said, but he didn't want it. He didn't want us, he didn't want to be that commited guy. Being the guy who left when he wanted was what he wanted. He chose that life, he actually said to my mum's dad "Marriage? Forget that" and whenever my mum tried to bring it up he was always all "why can't this be enough?" and then they'd have an argument and he would go home leaving my mum in a state.

Now suddenly he wants us to move in with him and he wants to be around and stuff i.e, he wants to start staying over again. He thinks that everything that happened last year was my mum having a 'funny turn' and that she didn't mean any of it. She meant all of it, but he had to go and cry and say he couldn't live without her, and that he would be better which made her believe him so now we're here again. He obviously didn't mean any of it, and he agreed with everything that she said when he turned up and ruined what would otherwise have been the first decent holiday we've had since I was little and we stayed in my gran's caravan. He blames everything on her when actually it's always him.. he promises her everything, which she then tells me and John we're going to get and then it lasts what? Two weeks, usually. And then I sit and listen to what he's doing again and again when there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not allowed to talk to him about any of it, because then it would get worse because he'd know my mum had talked to me about it.
She said today that it was Easter that really did her in. He said he wanted to do something with her, and she didn't want to leave us so we went down to Cornwall, to this place he's been going on about for ages and then on the way back we stopped at one of his clients houses and talked with them for ages, she tried really, really hard and then when we got home all he did was have a go at her, and say he hated every minute of it and a load of other stuff. And then he started talking about how he can't stand people making her people miserable (!) then the stairs creaked and they realised I was there and everything got all worse. Since then it's just gone downhill.

My mum keeps trying, John's just John and me and Hugh haven't spoken to eachother for about 5 weeks now. I plan to keep it that way and be as irritating as humanely possible while we're away. This involves being someone my brother likes to hang out with, which is good because it'll make him happy, so he won't get brought down by the obviously crappy atmosphere. And my mum... well, I figured I could try behaving, and being nice but it wouldn't change anything. Whenever he's around she sits waiting for him to say something upsetting, or for him to snap at my brother and for my to flip out. I hate that I'm part of what is making her unhappy, but I can't just sit there while he shouts shut up in my face. The fact that is really horrible aside, Hugh knows that John mimics the behaviour around (I know that better than anyone now... lol) and that my mum hasn't bought him up to yell in people's faces and he could copy that. Plus he's nothing to do with us, and you can't yell at someone you claim no responsibility for. It's stupid. I know I've said this a thousand times but you can't shout at someone and demand respect you've never even tried to earn, it's stupid and...

And then it gets all stupid because I get all depressed 'cause he doesn't want us. I don't even know why I care, because he's horrible and I hate him. And he loves to my mum and look what that used to do to her... so, it's a good thing, I know. I just.. her being with someone that loved us would be amazing. And he's been there since I was four.. like.. I didn't used to be all ugly and stupid, but he still didn't want us. I found this stupid photo of me, John and him. They can't have been together for very long at that point and it makes my insides hurt so much and go all stupid because of the stupid.. fakeness of it. It just gets to me the way neither of my parents partners of choice want me. I mean, I can see why, it just annoys me anyway. Well.. more than annoys me..

the word partner bugs me as well. When a guy introduces a woman as his partner, what I hear is "Hi, this is this girl I've been with for more than 3 years, I think I love her and everything, but I don't want to get married. She's stays with me anyway though, silly cow. Still, I hang on until I find something better".

I feel like crap. This holiday.. ARGH.

THIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME OHHHHHHHHHH VIEEEENNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Been in my brain all day. :>> Damn Ashes To Ashes.

Survived my first week of work experience. Friday was so boring I thought I might as well go home, I just sat there while kids made bracelets for ages. It really didn't help wake me up. Plus I think I must be cursed or something because whenever I went outside it started to rain. !

Bunny had a more eventful Friday than I did. Mum took him to the vet in the morning because he still wasn't eating anything or moving around much, he just seemed really ill. I wanted to go with them a lot but I couldn't because I had to get to pre-school. In the end they kept him there and did the operation on the same day. It was a bit scary because I knew that if he didn't wake up from the anasthetic then I wouldn't have got to say bye to him but luckily he did. He just took a bit longer to recover than most would have because of the respirartory infection. He's back home now though and getting better bit by bit. He drank loads when we got back and he's eaten a bit of kale today. He's staying in my room in a cage at the moment because the vet said it would be best to keep him inside until he was better. He isn't completely better and I think all the noise in the house is kind of freaking him out especially 'cause John's outbursts are pretty frequent right now because he's bored or being at home and not having a routine is making him hyper and a bit difficult. I'm still worried but I know that he's eaten today so it's alright.
Seeing as I've talked so much about him in the last few days, I'll show him to you. This is Smudge. People are all :roll: whenever I talk about being worried about my rabbit but I don't care. I love him lots and I've had him for nearly 7 years now so I think I'm entitled to. You can't look after something for 7 years and not love it at all.