I am officially no longer a year 10. Weird? Weird. I'm trying to supress the work experience worry but it isn't working. I'm going to be crap, and it's going to be embarassing. Because no one will get it. "Don't let your confidence stop you doing things" isn't exactly going to help. It is clearly the advice of a confidant person. I can't help how I am, don't make me feel bad about it.

I've felt all strange and arty today, which I liked. I started to get into the whole madly miserable about how I look thing again this morning, and I again managed to make myself bleed with my freaking nails. Seriously, I was safer when I didn't have them :)). Anyway, so once I was onto my arty thing I was ok. Basically it's like I need some way of visibly expressing myself... and seeing as I don't have whatever it is people need to do that.. I'm doing it to my room. Since it was decorated it is a lot more me, but like.. not completely. I started this whole thing where I've been covering my cuboard door up with pictures I've drawn and posters and stuff cut out of magazines... today I went mad with the photos. Lots of them from when I was a kid which was funny. Some of it made my insides hurt though. I've put quite a few with me in up.. which sounds all up myself but it was for a reason. When I was younger I was.. well, a total freak.. I wasn't happy all the time but like.. that was ok, 'cause I had all this stupid imagination and I had this friend who for a long time didn't make me feel the inadequacy my friends now (obviously not intentionally) make me feel... It's like they're there as a reminder to me that I was someone once. I knew who I was.. I never really questioned everything. I wasn't as paranoid. I just get so caught up this is stupid focuss of hating myself.. all the stupid decisions I make and the things that I say.. I don't want to think about it so much, but there's only so much distracting myself I can do before I end up in a situation where go totally quiet and can't make myself speak.. or till I pass a mirror or whatever. It's stupid but I can't control it at all.

Plus there being so many photos of me and John together it makes me think that once we might have been on the same wavelength. I'm really scared I'm going to loose John the way I lost my dad.. and pretty much all other family bar my mum. Like.. I don't want to space that there is between me and everyone else I should be close to to be between to and him. That thought depresses the hell out of me.

Pictures = something to hold onto

Except there's this doubt in my mind about that as well, because some pictures are total lies. There's this picture of me and John with Hugh when we were little and it's.. fake. It's just a moment we're all smiling in, but for different reasons. For John because it was his birthday, for me the same reason probably, plus I just might have been happy but for him.. it was the show to my mum, to get in and then do what he's done to us now.

I deliberately avoided putting in the pictures of my dad.

I wish I could fix everything, have normal relationships with people. Out of my family I am actually close with one person - my mum. Everyone else I gave up on.. John I cling on to. It's pathetic.

In Sarah Dessen books a lot is suppposed to change over a summer. Last summer a lot of things were supposed to change but they didn't. Everything is the same this year...

I'm confusing myself. I