Angst? Me? Never.

The Pig
from DIRTY BEASTS

In England once there lived a big
And wonderfully clever pig.
To everybody it was plain
That Piggy had a massive brain.
He worked out sums inside his head,
There was no book he hadn't read,
He knew what made an airplane fly,
He knew how engines worked and why.
He knew all this, but in the end
One question drove him round the bend:
He simply couldn't puzzle out
What LIFE was really all about.
What was the reason for his birth?
Why was he placed upon this earth?
His giant brain went round and round.
Alas, no answer could be found,
Till suddenly one wondrous night,
All in a flash, he saw the light.
He jumped up like a ballet dancer
And yelled, "By gum, I've got the answer!
They want my bacon slice by slice
To sell at a tremendous price!
They want my tender juicy chops
To put in all the butchers' shops!
They want to take my pork to make a roast
And that's the part'll cost the most!
They want my sausages in strings!
They want my chitterlings!
The butcher's shop! The carving knife!
That is the reason for my life!"
Such thoughts as these are not designed
To give a pig great peace of mind.
Next morning, in comes Farmer Bland,
A pail of pigswill in his hand,
And Piggy with a mighty roar,
Bashes the farmer to the floor...
Now comes the rather grizzly bit
So let's not make too much of it,
Except that you must understand
That Piggy did eat Farmer Bland,
He ate him up from head to toe,
Chewing the peices nice and slow.
It took an hour to reach the feet,
Because there was so much to eat,
And when he'd finished, Pig, of course,
Felt absolutely no remorse.
Slowly he scratched his brainy head
And with a little smile, he said,
"I had a fairly powerful hunch
That he might eat me for his lunch.
And so, because I feared the worst,
I thought I'd better eat him first."

By Roald Dahl

My rabbit doesn't like carrots. And I think he is depressed.

Someone just tried to send me a picture of a duck wearing sunglasses (nearly ended up with a very unfortunate typo there, good thing i noticed, eh?)

Crap. I should really just call people. Who even worries about doing that because of worrying about screwing up? Really? Who?

But then, I can't even comment people normally on here, so what hope have I got in my actual life.

The facts are these-

If I call no one, I can't screw anything up.

If I call no one, I will go insane.

You know what I think? I think, that loosing weight should be a quick thing. I have been totally healthy in the last couple of days, like, I've not eaten anything bad at all AND I've got up at 7am (7.am!!!) TWICE and gone running. I would have gone every day but it kept raining.

And I look no different.

There is not one single difference.

I still look fat and I still have bad skin and I still feel exactly the same. Whoever said being healthy made you feel better is a lier.

My dad is coming round later. I don't really want him to. It depresses me. I guess it would be good if he gave us some money though, because, as you already know.. we don't have any. Lol. Mum keeps talking about that as well, it's worrying her a lot. And me. She's worrying me a lot as well. I'm trying to force her to relax but it doesn't work like that.

Our next door neighbor is having a home birth in her bath. Her bath is on the other side of my mum's bedroom wall. . Lol.

I have to shopping for picture frames this afternoon. Lucky me.

Ok, this is the deal. If my dad brings money round then I will call someone, and try and arrange something to do which means I won't just be sitting in my room all day worrying about not calling anyone and then worrying about calling anyone at the same time. Why am I even worried?
Well, I knw why I'm worried. But I just talked to Josh and I know exactly what he would say if I explained. Which makes me not want to explain because I'll end up feeling stupid.

This is tiring.

I'm trying to remember why I started blogging in the first place. Because it's not like I'm here writing things that enlighten people or make them laugh or whatever. Some blogs have a really obvious point in them. Mine just sorts of... doesn't do.. anything. Which is depressing. but then I knew that already, because like.. it's like what's in your head isn't it? It's like when you're telling someone about whatever crap just popped into your head and to you it.. it isn't always, but it could really vital and they are either.. looking at you weird or they just have that vacant expression so while you're talking you know you should shut up but you don't. That's like what this is. And then this is the sort of thing you try and explain, and people get irritated. Because people only have so much time, which I know.

Lol.. I can see myself regretting posting this...

*blink*

This

This

And this,

"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb..." he murmured. I looked away, hiding my eyes as I thrilled to the word.
"What a stupid lamb," I sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion."

That being a quote from my, and the entire female population of my school's favourite book.

My mum is paying me (!) to read through one of her books before she sends it off, to tell her if it flows okay and everything.

In the last couple of minutes (I'm about half way through) I have realised that I should be charging her extra for all the copyright stuff.
The character is sort of loosly like me. I.e, there's this whole section talking about being shy and some of the stuff is exactly stuff I've said lots of times when getting annoyed about my stupidness. (She's used that as well). I don't know if I should be offended that the character with part of my stupid personality is a 10 year old boy.

Still.

I'm sort of loosely in a round about kind of way in a book.

Ha.

can i just say that i think its INCREDIBLY rude you un-added me on bebo
i may not be one of your "close" internet friends, but tbh, thats just kinda rude for you to un add me. all ive ever tried to do since i met you on AOL, is be your friend! yet everything i ever did wasn't good enough for you. your so stuck up your own ass. im not usually the type to get angry, but tbh that wound me up. ive NEVER done anything to you. un-add me all you want. because now i realise that your not the type of person to be friends with. your an ungrateful and moody mare.

MY GOD.

This is SO why I stopped going on AOL.

First of all I would like to say I didn't un-add her. She is un-added, but I have no idea how. I haven't been on my bebo much recently anyway because I can't be bothered to talk to anybody.

And she is totally the type to get angry, she used to get pissed off with me all the time.

What I did find funny about it is that I actually haven't spoken to this girl in about 6 months. This sounds as thought it should be someone that I regularly speak to, not someone I no longer bother to message and someone that I haven't actually missed at all, I still speak to most of the people I would miss.

Odd. Really. I swear I didn't un-add her, what would be the point? I really couldn't care less.. well, I couldn't anyway. Obviously I do now because for some stupid reason that upset me. It's not really because it's her, it's mostly because she reminded me of everything that was in my head last week... stuff I kind of wanted to forget about. But whatever, it's in my head now, thanks beckie/bekki/rebecca/becca or whatever the hell I used to call her, I don't even remember.

I have decided that I have a personality glitch.

When I was in primary school I had a group of friends for about 5 years-ish, then they all went off me. It occured to me a little while ago that my next 5 years might be up. Which would make you think that I should then bother to make contact in the form of.. speaking to my friends. But I don't know, I don't want to say anything wrong. It's just... they're just all so.. like, way better than me. They're all clever and pretty and like... good at stuff. And then there's me, with them. Everyone knows one of them for something... then there's me. I don't want to hold people back just by.. existing or whatever. 'Cause then they leave and I can't talk to people. And it is getting worse, not better.

An example of this is that John has a friend around this afternoon, this friend freaks me out and I can never think of anything to say to him. Because of this I have trapped myself in my room where it's too hot and I'm really really thirsty. But I can't go downstairs.

I swear I'm going to end up old and alone. I couldn't even keep online friends.

Okay, John's friend just left, I'm gunna go get a drink now.

I'll talk about the holiday when I can be bothered.

We have to go out for a meal with one of Hugh's friends tonight. I personally think he is a complete and utter twat.

So does my mum.

Shhh.

Did you say something? I didn't. You're crazy.

So I figured I would be helped by my distractions tonight to stop myself getting nervous/annoyed/annoying/whatever.

Obviously this means Cardcaptor Sakura. I swear the cheesy videos on youtube for it are endless. I tried to watch the second movie but it isn't working, I could watch some episodes but I don't know if I can be bothered.

You want an example of one of the cheesy videos I'm watching don't you?

Thought so..

I like this one 'cause it's about Meilin and most aren't.

Lol, I still can't believe someone bothered. Although, I am watching it so I can hardly say it's sad.

I'm going to be embarassed about this tomorrow...

I'm going to bed now, as I have to get up at 4.30am tomorrow.

How fun my week will be.

Not that anyone will read this, but to whoever it concerns (i.e no one) I won't be here for a few days.

Going...

Going....

Gone.

2 days until I have to go on holiday.

So far, what I am basically being told is the shut up and don't complain. Hugh is being "nice" to pay for it and I should therefore be polite and act as though I would feel guilty if I ran him over.

I have decided, that I am going to take an extremely selfish, teenage attitude to this:

I didn't ask to go on holiday.
I don't want to go on holiday.
You knew what I felt about it when you booked it, so why don't you just leave me hear?

I'd be ok, I think. Maybe I could stage a kidnapping of myself tomorrow night. It would work, because they wouldn't worry. I know this because apparently when you go on holiday you leave all your problems behind, and relax. So they would forget about the kidnapper chopping off my fingers and putting them through the letter box.

Holidays heal everything Who knows? If I went on holiday maybe my fingers would even grow back, and my kidnapper would have a sudden change of heart and let me go. Afterall, who doesn't relax on a a old holiday?

I really don't understand how you supposedly can go away and leave your problems behind. The things you worry about are in your head and you can't exactly chop that off and leave it in the fridge. Why does putting a 100 or so miles etween you and your front door change anything?
Say.. (I'm getting this from my book, Long Way Down by Nick Hornby. It's actually amazing) ... you have a missing sister. Driving 500 miles away from your house doesn't change the fact that she is missing. Why can you relax just because your not in your home? You won't forget that she's missing, and she won't magically re-appear.. so why does it help?

And in our case, we're taking the problem with us.

The Problem: Mum & Hugh's relationship.

The Solution: Break up.

The Worst Thing In The World You Could Possibly Do Together: Go on a "family" holiday.

. I've been trying so hard not to totally obsess about this in the last couple of days I've started dreaming about it.

That's why I'm depressed today. I did everything in my dream that I wish I could do in real life. Then I had that couple of minutes somewhere inbetween sleeping and being awake to work out I had been dreaming.

Waking up hurt someone angry is a very strange experience.
Plus I got so mad in my sleep my insides forgot to rest so I'm knackered.

I'm not going to be nice. I don't care.

Well, I do.

I don't want to upset my mum, but I try not upsetting my mum and then I get sick and that upsets her anyway.

People talk about expressing love a lot. Like how to tell somebody that you love them, and that you want to be with them always.
I want to find the perfect way to tell someone (well it's obvious who really) that I hate him and would be more than happy never to see him again.
Not speaking when he's around is a bit pathetic really, but I can't think of anything else to do. I'd love to think I could not speak for a whole week but my mum will talk to me and I can't not talk back because it would hurt her feelings. She kind of freaks when she think that I'm mad at her. I am going to avoid her as much as I can in the next couple of days though, because she keeps telling my to be nice and it makes me feel guilty.

I'm so screwed.

Blue tack works fine, white tack doesn't. My cuboard is an example of this. A while ago I thought that I would decorate it with lots of things that I like. I was on some self expression thing I guess. And the top half of it is covered in pictures I draw and posters and things I've cut out of magazines etc, I did this quite a while ago so it's done with blue tack. It's always stayed up fine.

Then the blue tack mysteriously dissapeared.
(This always happens in our house, I have no idea why.)

So we bought white tack, because that's what Sainsbury's had.

A couple of weeks ago I carried on with my cuboard. It's not that I got bored of it or whatever it's just that since the months ago when I did the posters and stuff I haven't been able to find anything else that I want to stick up there. I did when I was on that whole ohhh the past thing a couple of weeks ago. I went through lots of old photos and so the bottom half of my cuboard is now covered with lots from when my and John were little.

Have to break now because my mother may or may not have set fire to the kitchen.

Everything's okay.

Anyway, white tack.

Because the blue tack dissapeared we only had the white tack so I used that to put all my photos up (which took forever by the way, I had to have them in a proper order otherwise they would have looked crap and not meant what I wanted them to... . It makes sense) and now within like.. 2 weeks they all fall down all the time. it's so annoying! Everytime I turned around one of them has slipped down.

That's what my face looks like now.

I = nervous wreak

Nervous wreck + coffee making = really bad coffee and mess.

One little girl did randomly come up and give me a big hug though, which was sweet.

I also managed the kettle and the fridge door (Y)

Going to an Agatha Christie talk with my mum and John. I'm on John's computer and he's being way stressy about it which I think is unfair seeing as I let him on mine every day for ages before he got this one. I think he's got a secret porn stash on here or something because whenever we come near it he gets stressy.

Idiot brother, I think I might start randomly walking into his room for no reason to annoy him.

Heh heh....

Lol, I told him that I'm writing about him being eggy

"I was joking!"

I still feel like crap today. I'm not sure why. And I'm worried about something stupid because my head needs something to focus on. I didn't call someone back last week and now for some reason I'm worried about it?

I humiliated myself at pre-school today. I should have remembered it is a bad omen when I'm not nervous. Having Jasmin there last week, in my mind, took a lot of pressure off. Like, I didn't feel like I was the only person that they would be making allowances for. Plus I was more relaxed because I didn't realise how eggy most of the people there were. Jasmin isn't there this week, and I was okay with it. I was pretty calm about it, and I thought I would be ok. Right. Ok? Me?

All the freaking out I hadn't done suddenly hit me when I walked through the door. I was suddenly extremely nervous and probably very red. I don't think I will think about how attractive that loked. The fact that no one told me how I looked stupid or made tomato references definitely shows I'm not with people my own age. After this I went on to do my general nervous falling over words (and chairs) and just generally making a complete twat out of myself. I managed to forget pretty much everything that I learnt last week and knocked a load of stuff over in the cuboard which made a delightfully loud crash which everybody heard. Then of course they came to see if I was ok and to get other stuff out of the cuboard so I have to attempt to pick of the 500 odd plastic teddies I had knocked down quickly. (Which when your hands are shaking as much as mine where isn't easy). Then the children arrived which was a relief in some ways, it meant I had to go and make an idiot out of myself with small people who would probably notice less.. which was good. I just.. well, I finally managed to start speaking so they could understand towards the end of last week and due to the words sort of coming out in a way that wasn't neccesarily very connected to my brain earned me quite a few vacant stares.

Then we went up to my old primary school. Not been there for 4 years. Very weird. I thought it was quite funny that half the school has been redone but the main hall still has the same carpet. We went to watch a play that the kids where doing, most of the children behaved which was good. The play was... well, I'm sure it was great but the hall floor has got anymore comfortable in the time I haven't been there so I was thinking more about being in pain than focussing on the play. It was one of those 5 minutes of talking 10 minutes of singing ones. It was a happier play than they used to make us do when I was there though, our plays were always really depressing with the main character dying at the end. I think I might have played some coral once..

I had an hour of sitting not doing much to calm down, but of course I didn't. It didn't help that there was a particularly scary year 6 staring at me.. lol.

When we back to pre-school I nearly broke the fridge. What kind of idiot can't open a fridge? ARGH. Not to help that it's one of those stupid kitchens where you can't turn around without elbowing someone in the stomach and there were like 4 people crammed in there. 3 of who were wondering how an apparently 15 year old girl didn't know how to open a fridge. I do have a more detailed explanation about why I couldn't open it but I don't think there's much point in sharing really. When it comes down to it, I couldn't open a fridge.

I have to go back tomorrow.

Send help.

Please.

I'm having one of those weird evenings where I feel insane.

I want to write something that doesn't sound like me.

I want to be really horrible to several people, and I want to get annoyed about all the stupid things. I want to be able to properly talked to a certain person without them making me feel stupid.

I want to go and do something that would hurt Hugh. I want to go and throw big heavy rocks at his precious car and I want to throw screw up that photograph and throw it in his stupid, controllong, ugly, critical, patronising face.

I want to go and tell Mandy that I think she is a bitch, and that she looks like a short fat middle aged bloke and doesn't deserve her stupid nice parents and their huge house.

I want to go and scream at my dad, and tell him how I feel and then I want him to transform into an actual dad in front of my face. And I want to him to make an effort with my brother, I want him to turn into this amazing, understanding person who knows everything and can sort stuff out like dad's are meant to do.

I want mum too finish with Hugh and meet her ideal guy, her ideal guy who will look and act uncannily like David Tennant but my mum's age. I want him to be nice and everything Hugh should have been, I want her to be with someone who loves me and John and doesn't expect us to change everything for him. I want him to love us so much it totally discounts Mandy and Hugh ever existing. I want him to have a family so I'll have other brothers and sisters who can help me not screw everything up with John.

I want someone to make my mum ok, make her know that she's always going to have someone.
I want someone to make her feel safe, someone that won't change into a different person after a few months. Someone she'll be with forever, so she won't ever be lonely again.

I want someone to sort out all our money problems so my mum can write and write what she wants without ever having to worry about keeping the house ever again.

I want someone to look after John properly, I want the NHS to come up with all the answers they never have before, I want them to put together their adolescence into adulthood program and make everything when John stops college less scary. I want them to find him a job and make sure there'll be someone there to take care of him, and show him what to do.

I don't think I'm asking for all that much really.

Note to self: Making lists is bad for sanity.

Music: Liz Phair - Leap Of Innocence

What's wrong?

"Life."

Seriously, what am I meant to say to that?

I kind of imagine that smiley is what you'd look like if you're brain exploded.

But that's just me..

My mum is unhappy today for reasons. She is unhappy because Hugh has gone really distant with her, which makes her think that he is shutting down the way that she has so now she feels like she is on her own. Then she gets sadder 'cause she's sad about the fact that she even cares.

I really do want to help, but I don't know what to say.

When she asked me why she was sad I told her I didn't know, because I'd be happy to be shot of him.

She laughed, which is something.

I have to say something else that is irritating me. There's this girl I still talk to on msn from my AOL days and she's kind of.. well.. miserable and she always has those feeling incredibly sorry for yourself display pictures that have like a picture of a crying kitten on or something saying My Life Is Shit Because Of You I Hate You type things. This mildly irritates me anyway just because.. I hate those things. Today it was something like this:

"Hi"
"Hi, how are you?"
"I'm fine"
"Kewl"
For once, when I say I'm fine I would just like, for once for someone to look me in the eyes and say, tell me the truth."

"Fine" in Beckie language is like "Ok, I'm gunna jump out the window now" So I always, always say, What's Wrong and whenever I do that I get snapped at or just another thing which is someome saying they're really miserable but not actually saying that.

I'm fine with her not wanting to tell me, I mean, that's okay. I just wish she wouldn't totally discount my existance.

I said I always say that to her but then she just says she's fine again but she didn't answer.. then I started talking about rats, I thought there was a giant one in our porch (just don't ask, it's safer really.)
She never answered. I guess I could try and talk to her again now, but I don't know what to say, there's only so many totally one sided conversations I can think of.

Ahh well, better IM her anyway.

I wish people would make up their minds and stick to their decisions. I ended going to look at lots of housey things with my mum that we couldn't possibly afford today, and she was talking about the her and Hugh situation a lot. You know, last summer and all of that stuff.. talking about how she doesn't really understand the situation now. Hugh has started saying that all the 'churchy' stuff has pushed them apart, and that all she does is push him away all the time. Which just.. isn't true. Ok, I can understand how I could be biased but I've been watching this situation most of my life and I still think my mum is right. She did want everything, she wanted to get married and have a house together "A proper family" she said, but he didn't want it. He didn't want us, he didn't want to be that commited guy. Being the guy who left when he wanted was what he wanted. He chose that life, he actually said to my mum's dad "Marriage? Forget that" and whenever my mum tried to bring it up he was always all "why can't this be enough?" and then they'd have an argument and he would go home leaving my mum in a state.

Now suddenly he wants us to move in with him and he wants to be around and stuff i.e, he wants to start staying over again. He thinks that everything that happened last year was my mum having a 'funny turn' and that she didn't mean any of it. She meant all of it, but he had to go and cry and say he couldn't live without her, and that he would be better which made her believe him so now we're here again. He obviously didn't mean any of it, and he agreed with everything that she said when he turned up and ruined what would otherwise have been the first decent holiday we've had since I was little and we stayed in my gran's caravan. He blames everything on her when actually it's always him.. he promises her everything, which she then tells me and John we're going to get and then it lasts what? Two weeks, usually. And then I sit and listen to what he's doing again and again when there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not allowed to talk to him about any of it, because then it would get worse because he'd know my mum had talked to me about it.
She said today that it was Easter that really did her in. He said he wanted to do something with her, and she didn't want to leave us so we went down to Cornwall, to this place he's been going on about for ages and then on the way back we stopped at one of his clients houses and talked with them for ages, she tried really, really hard and then when we got home all he did was have a go at her, and say he hated every minute of it and a load of other stuff. And then he started talking about how he can't stand people making her people miserable (!) then the stairs creaked and they realised I was there and everything got all worse. Since then it's just gone downhill.

My mum keeps trying, John's just John and me and Hugh haven't spoken to eachother for about 5 weeks now. I plan to keep it that way and be as irritating as humanely possible while we're away. This involves being someone my brother likes to hang out with, which is good because it'll make him happy, so he won't get brought down by the obviously crappy atmosphere. And my mum... well, I figured I could try behaving, and being nice but it wouldn't change anything. Whenever he's around she sits waiting for him to say something upsetting, or for him to snap at my brother and for my to flip out. I hate that I'm part of what is making her unhappy, but I can't just sit there while he shouts shut up in my face. The fact that is really horrible aside, Hugh knows that John mimics the behaviour around (I know that better than anyone now... lol) and that my mum hasn't bought him up to yell in people's faces and he could copy that. Plus he's nothing to do with us, and you can't yell at someone you claim no responsibility for. It's stupid. I know I've said this a thousand times but you can't shout at someone and demand respect you've never even tried to earn, it's stupid and...

And then it gets all stupid because I get all depressed 'cause he doesn't want us. I don't even know why I care, because he's horrible and I hate him. And he loves to my mum and look what that used to do to her... so, it's a good thing, I know. I just.. her being with someone that loved us would be amazing. And he's been there since I was four.. like.. I didn't used to be all ugly and stupid, but he still didn't want us. I found this stupid photo of me, John and him. They can't have been together for very long at that point and it makes my insides hurt so much and go all stupid because of the stupid.. fakeness of it. It just gets to me the way neither of my parents partners of choice want me. I mean, I can see why, it just annoys me anyway. Well.. more than annoys me..

the word partner bugs me as well. When a guy introduces a woman as his partner, what I hear is "Hi, this is this girl I've been with for more than 3 years, I think I love her and everything, but I don't want to get married. She's stays with me anyway though, silly cow. Still, I hang on until I find something better".

I feel like crap. This holiday.. ARGH.

THIS MEANS NOTHING TO ME OHHHHHHHHHH VIEEEENNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Been in my brain all day. Damn Ashes To Ashes.

Survived my first week of work experience. Friday was so boring I thought I might as well go home, I just sat there while kids made bracelets for ages. It really didn't help wake me up. Plus I think I must be cursed or something because whenever I went outside it started to rain. !

Bunny had a more eventful Friday than I did. Mum took him to the vet in the morning because he still wasn't eating anything or moving around much, he just seemed really ill. I wanted to go with them a lot but I couldn't because I had to get to pre-school. In the end they kept him there and did the operation on the same day. It was a bit scary because I knew that if he didn't wake up from the anasthetic then I wouldn't have got to say bye to him but luckily he did. He just took a bit longer to recover than most would have because of the respirartory infection. He's back home now though and getting better bit by bit. He drank loads when we got back and he's eaten a bit of kale today. He's staying in my room in a cage at the moment because the vet said it would be best to keep him inside until he was better. He isn't completely better and I think all the noise in the house is kind of freaking him out especially 'cause John's outbursts are pretty frequent right now because he's bored or being at home and not having a routine is making him hyper and a bit difficult. I'm still worried but I know that he's eaten today so it's alright.
Seeing as I've talked so much about him in the last few days, I'll show him to you. This is Smudge. People are all whenever I talk about being worried about my rabbit but I don't care. I love him lots and I've had him for nearly 7 years now so I think I'm entitled to. You can't look after something for 7 years and not love it at all.

Actually. Wait. Hugh's been around for 11 years now and he still hates me.

Oh well. He doesn't exactly count as human.

Anyway.. introducing... Smudge <3

Today was good. Probably the best so far. I started off by being late, as usual. Part of the weirdness my insides do when i get stressed is that no matter how well I sleep I feel awful and tired anyway, and I've had that for the last week or so. The headache has (fingers crossed) finally stopped though. I made sure I had lots of sugary tea when I got the pre-school, so I woke up properly after a while.

Me and Jasmin got put on pulling down displays again, it was actually okay when I was with someone else. Kind of fun, actually. Typically I can now talk to her without freaking or sounding that awkward and she's leaving tomorrow. She's going to an orthodontist next week, she said something about gluing her brother's mouth together. I don't know if I should be worried about that or not... But yeah, the putting up the display was pretty fun in the end, I managed to use the staple gun without hurting anyone else or myself, which is always a good thing. I hope I don't ever have to use it on my own though, because that would make any possible... mishaps.. a lot more embarassing. Played with the kids a lot more today though, they keep getting me and Jasmin's names the wrong way around lol. I got a "BYE JASMIN" when I left, but that's okay. I'm going to be there on my own next week, so I guess they'll have to get it eventually.

Mum went to the doctor's today, she has to go back and have a blood test and stuff to rule out anything physical, but they're pretty much putting it down to stress already. I knew that's what it was too really I just.. I wanted to be sure, and my mum did too, even though she wouldn't admitt it. Her feeling like crap is to do with the anaemia as well, but she can't seem to actually take any form of iron without it making her feel really really terrible. A lot of the times it seems like she's worse than she was before when she takes the iron.
Then the bunny... he still isn't getting better... unless he starts eating again tonight or tomorrow morning we need to go back to vet. Mum gave him his second injection today.. (also gave managed to stab herself with the needle and give herself a bit of it.. barely any though, so I'm not that worried). He needs to get better, I can't go on holiday ("holiday") while he's sick.

Wow, this was fascinating.

So mum went to see Tom* this afternoon. I stayed in the car.

It was kind of weird actually, when she went into the main hospital and asked where the ward he's in is, the woman at the desk said that my mum was in the wrong place, and it wasn't in the part of the hospital that she was in. That's when the guy behind her said he knew where it was, and told her the way to the right building, it wasn't that far away either which was lucky. So she went over to the ward, and just as she got there Tom* was leaving, he'd just signed out to go for a walk for a while, and she didn't see him straight away because she didn't have her glasses on. He saw her, and he didn't realise that she was there to see him, so when she told him she'd come in to see him he was all "Have you really really come to see me?" for a while and he was really happy, 'cause it turned out that if my mum hadn't of gone in to see him, he wouldn't have seen anybody today.
It sounds like she did him a lot of good, they had the whole What Are You Doing In Here Then?! conversation and now we know a bit more about what's going on in his head. Tom* was having a pretty good day, he gets to go home for the afternoon tomorrow. I feel bad for him though, part of the reason he's in there is because he was really, seriously paranoid about getting ill and he thought that he and his wife had cancer and stuff all the time, and he was getting the physical symptoms of the stress which he thought was backing up the illness thoughts. And it's not like he has a stable household to go back to where everyone can focus on looking after him, and making him feel better. His wife is still ill, and his daughters have found out about a load of stuff that they probably don't need to know and everything...
My mum talked about when she was on the anti-depressents a bit to him as well, she was on them on and off 4 times when I was younger. And like.. she's okay now. To be honest, whatever your religious views, Christianity has done a lot for my mum. Part of the reason everything started with her again last time is because she thought that everything was going to be okay with Hugh, she started to rely on him for everything.. everything including he was supposed to be the person who made her happy, and made everything okay.. and well, as you know that isn't what Hugh does. So everything went into meltdown.. but now... she has this belief, and it's made her strong, it's stopped Hugh controlling everything and it's just.. amazing really.
My mum feels happy now, and I hope Tom* feels a bit better too. I hope he can get back to who he was because... well, just.. because I hope he does.

As for the physical stuff with my mum, her doctor's appointment is tomorrow, she thinks that it's stress related but I'm still worried. She'll be okay though, the doctor will probably just tell her to rest or something... something that she won't do probably. I'll have to try and make her I guess. I'll have to start putting Doctor Who on all the time so she can't help sitting down and relaxing because she doesn't want to miss David Tennant.. Lol, yeah, I'll do that.

Today was one of those days where everything that has slightly irritated me in the last couple of days coming together in ending in me feeling very pissed off. Not helped by then having to spend half the time I was there pullning down displays and tediously pulling staples out the wall. With scissors! Don't even want to think about what my work experience survival booklet would say to that, I was thinking about having an accident with the scissors and the staples so I could do something else, but in the end I decided it wasn't worth it.. at least I wasn't washing up. For some reason, the pre-school can't seem to get any hot water, so yesterday, when I was on washing up they told me to boil the kettle first. I think, okay that's easy. Before I saw the kettle. For some reason whoever made it didn't think that inculding some sign of it being on or working was neccesary. I found myself standing there for a while wondering whether or not to go and ask someone if it was working.. eventually it started making boiling type noises so I guessed it must be working in the end. Still managed to burn myself though, when it started making the weird noises I took the lid off. I don't know why really, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Tomorrow I think I might just bring my own kettle, ours isn't scary or plotting against me .

I also have to say that I hate the Devon recycling system. We have about a million different bins for everything so after I had spent several pointless hours (minutes.. but shh) pulling down all the crap off the display I had to walk around for ages in the rain trying to find all the different bins. Then there was a missing bin so I had to humiliate myself by going inside and saying the non-recyling bin wasn't there.. then I was told it was bin day and it was out front. .

Joined in with the kids for a little while though, and when the little boy who's been following me around a lot for the last couple of days kept coming over the ask me when I would be done cleaning up and would come and play cars with him and his friends it seemed kind of worth it...

I also managed to accidentally pour sand over my head in a tea party involving a watering can.

Things are deteriorating quickly, it seems. How Jasmin seems to manage a calm, accident free day I don't know...

It's weird how things change. How you can rely on someone to stay the way they are when you barely know them, so when suddenly, when you hear that everything isn't okay and they're probably never going to be who they were again it comes as a bit of a shock. Then you feel guilty because you realise that you never really cared what they were before, as they were just someone you smiled at and had a chat with because they are your mum's friend, someone who has probably known you since birth but someone you've barely gotten to know at all.

There's this guy who lives up the road from us... I'll call him Tom, he's a really nice guy. I kind of know them, we went up for a meal at their house after Christmas last year, they're all really nice. I knew that things weren't easy for them, because Tom's wife has altziemers... apparently it's really.. well, like, he got sick and then he started thinking about dying and other things a lot of the time.. and then one day he came home from work and his wife didn't know who he was anymore and that just... finished him off. He's in hospital on anti-psycotics and stuff. Mum's going to go up and see him tomorrow, I'm going to go too.. I don't think I should go in or anything because like.. he doesn't know me much or anything. It's so pathetic that I sit here really caring about it, and all I can do is sign a card or something. Well.. there is more I could do but I can't. I really wouldn't know what to expect either. I feel so sorry for Emiliy and her sister.. with that happening with their parents I can't even imagene how horrible that would be. I've seen Emily around with her boyfriend lately though, I'm glad their still together. I liked him, he looked kind of like Matthew Bellamy and he was nice to John and my mum. Plus I should go to the hospital because I don't know how my mum will be feeling when she leaves and stuff... I really hate myself for this.. I'm the hold you hand afterwoods girl rather than the be there at the time person. OKAYY. Not doing this tonight .

I wish Kailee would come online, I want details about her dead guy chasing...

So today was better, like, the kid that followed me around most of yesterday actually talked to me today, he's sweet.

I found out the pre-school are still have the problems with the village hall they were having when my mum used to work there. Basically the board that look after the village hall don't like pre-school which means that we have to pack away the whole room into this ridiculously teeny cuboard nearly every day. I don't get why they hate them, because the pre-school is the most well.. useful thing that the hall houses. Everything else is total crap. Like, today was had to pack everything away because it's Bridge Club tonight, when actually, Brige Club don't need much space, we could have got away with just pusing everything to the sides of the room. But no, no one can upset the Bridge Club. It just seems pretty stupid to me.

As for everything else.. well, I've convinced my mum to go to the doctors, she's being difficult though, so she has made herself an appointment for Thursday rather than today or tomorrow. But she has booked herself in, so I guess I can't push it anymore than that. If John's medication hadn't of run out I'd of had to make herself an appointment myself and drag her there.. I am worried about her though .

As for bunny he is sort of a bit better today, he's eaten a bit which is good. We have to give the injection 48 hours to work and it's just after 24 now so I'm going to go and check on him in a minute.

Question For The Day:
Why has no one noticed how incredibly bad Smallville is?

... Wasn't as bad as I thought.

I know!

When I got there everything was kind of mad because they were setting out, so there wasn't time for the long awkward introducing myself thing. They put me on doing something straight away, which I liked.

They're kind of eggy though Like, I have this whole stupid booklet thing I have to fill in for school and I'm kind of scared to ask about it in case they eat me. Because the two people I know I'll have to ask aren't exactly.. approachable.

Weirdly enough though, having the kid from next door there helped. It was one name I knew and one familiar face. There's another girl there doing w/e this week which is kewl, she's called Jasmin and she seems pretty nice. Apparently out of us both I am the total guy though, because while she spent most of the time drawing princesses and the like with the girls, I was on car racing and play dough snakes with the boys.. also the sand tray. I got covered in sand at one point, the whole Keeping The Sand In The Tray rule didn't turn out to be such an easy one to police. . I also had to go and make coffee for the mother and todler group next door, which was kewl because the lady I was doing it with was part of this church group thing we used to go to, and I really like her, she's one of those people that chats enough so as you don't have the chance for an awkward silence. And she's just... nice. Like she clearly knew about the eggyness of the people that run where I'm working because she made a couple of comments (quietly) and then asked me if they were being nice. I like Bridget .

Bunny still isn't well, we just got back from the vet's though, he says it isn't totally his teeth it's an infection (again) so he's given him an injection and we have to give him another one on Thursday. I don't know why my mum's worried about the injection giving really, we've done it for him enough times now. He's going to have to have the teeth operation again soon though.. once he's infection clear probably.. I'm worried. I don't want it to age him loads, 'cause he's nearly seven now.. but he's still seems like.. young. It's going to be okay though, he was alright last time and he will be again now.

He promised he would be

He will be though.

I'm still listening to Liz Phair. I was on Meg Cabot's site a lot yesterday and she said Exile In Guyville is like the soundtrack to her life so I thought I'd look it up. Liz Phair is pretty good, though some of her songs are kind of... weird. And OMG Meg Cabot might be coming to Bath to do a talk!!! I told my mum I don't care what happens, wherever in the country she's doing her talk I am going. Lol, all my favourite writers are american and they barely ever come over here, so if she's here I'm seeing her. There's something you can do where you write an essay thing and if you win you could win a dinner with her... lol.. I guess that seems kind of sad. Anyway, there's no way I'm good enough and I would just sit there not knowing what to say. Gotta see her talk though

x

Work experience is an important practical step towards career action planning. It is a scheme designed to let you feel what it is like to be at work when you are still at school.

Who are they trying to kid? No it's not, because normal work has some kind of point because at least you get payed at the end of it. Work experience is totally and utterly pointless and you should see these leaflets they've given me, they're funny and ridiculous.

Apparently I'm not very well informed on the whole work experience matter. Do I have a tutor I know is coming to visit me and a specific supervisor. Um.. no? I feel as though these are things I should have been told about, and I should also probably have been told I needed to look at this leaflet a little before now. Apparently I should have sent all these formal letters, when actually all I did was get my mum to ask the lady when she saw her. Lol.

So aside from the fact that some rabid child is going to kill me I'm going to fail anyway because I lack basic key skills: communication and goal setting. Goal setting? Goal setting?!

MY TARGETS
find point of work experience.

WHAT WILL I DO TO MEET THESE TARGETS
live long enough to ask whoever comes to see me the exact point of my being there, when it is pretty likely I'm not actually going to speak to anyone for two weeks, and I'm only there for 3 hours anyway.

They have got to be kidding me with this:

Here are a number of words that ma describe your feelings about your first day. Please circle the words that match up with the way you felt.
tired comfortable anxious worried bored confident confused curious happy unhappy determined jealous horrified intertesed lonely perplexed optimisitc sad shocked smug suprised excited hysterical regretful aggressive bashful withdrawn nervous negative disappointed upset angry positive cautious miserable

The bad things listed should be reason enough not to make us do work experience.

This is going to be so bad. People always know who I am through someone else, like I'm always [insertnamehere]'s friend. Without that.. well, the fact that I'm always that pretty much shows that I'm a nobody. Being a nobody on my own is just depressing. That's why I hate goal setting. Setting stupid goals that I'm obviously gunna fail is pointless.

This is digging up lots of stuff I have been avoiding in my head.

Who knew work experience was so dangerous? I haven't even started it yet but apparently I am already doombed. I was just looking through the booklets and sheets that I was given, I have about a million and one boxes about H&S to fill in.

Be Safe!

Each day, many people are injured at work. Some are permatnently disabled - some even die.
Don't let this happen to you.

Death by small children. Yeah, I'm sure I'm in so much danger. Lol, that made me laugh, hopefully the women who run it have a good sense of humour, this could be quite a conversation opener.

I'm sure this book will save my life.

Don't worry about me, I'll remember:

Never play practical jokes - they can kill.

Honestly

I would now say I'm about half way through my slightly odd recovery process of the weird depressing last few days.

First of all, I watched Peter Pan. This film never fails to make me cry, and because of my mood I cried a lot. It helped. Like, when I get all miserable like I have been in the last few days I don't get like... like I'm gunna cry. I just get angry. And getting miserable and angry is a bad thing because it means I'm horrible to everyone, and on the verge of crying all the time. Then like... when I'm on my own, and I feel like that.. I can't. Cry, I mean. It's making sense in my head anyway. So what I always have to do is put on some film that will definitely make me cry, I'll loose it and feel a lot healthier for it afterwards. My insides are still all screwed and everything, but I don't feel like smashing my face into a wall anymore, which is always good.

That's another thing about the huge crying jags like.. they put me in an odd mood. I can just step back and look at everything, and it makse more sense than usual. I can analyse stuff without getting angry.

Anyway, so I finished my Sarah Dessen again this morning, as usual it was amazing. I think I might order another one of hers before I go on the holiday (holoday survival kit is brewing in my mind as I type) but for now I thought I'd read this book Shadow Mancer by G.P Taylor. Some of you might have heard of it, it's one that my mum was raving about a while ago, so I hope it's good.
I have to say though, this has is slightly... worrying.

G.P Taylor has spent his whole life searching for the hidden secrets of the universe. He lectures on the paranormal and folklore and lives in a secluded graveyard

I really don't know what to make of that, if I'm honest.

I think so.

I joined the-black-pearl-crew

So far I have seen an interesting pirate oufit

I'm sure your curious

just join

the moodswings are beyond insane today

off to watch Transformers

x

I am officially no longer a year 10. Weird? Weird. I'm trying to supress the work experience worry but it isn't working. I'm going to be crap, and it's going to be embarassing. Because no one will get it. "Don't let your confidence stop you doing things" isn't exactly going to help. It is clearly the advice of a confidant person. I can't help how I am, don't make me feel bad about it.

I've felt all strange and arty today, which I liked. I started to get into the whole madly miserable about how I look thing again this morning, and I again managed to make myself bleed with my freaking nails. Seriously, I was safer when I didn't have them . Anyway, so once I was onto my arty thing I was ok. Basically it's like I need some way of visibly expressing myself... and seeing as I don't have whatever it is people need to do that.. I'm doing it to my room. Since it was decorated it is a lot more me, but like.. not completely. I started this whole thing where I've been covering my cuboard door up with pictures I've drawn and posters and stuff cut out of magazines... today I went mad with the photos. Lots of them from when I was a kid which was funny. Some of it made my insides hurt though. I've put quite a few with me in up.. which sounds all up myself but it was for a reason. When I was younger I was.. well, a total freak.. I wasn't happy all the time but like.. that was ok, 'cause I had all this stupid imagination and I had this friend who for a long time didn't make me feel the inadequacy my friends now (obviously not intentionally) make me feel... It's like they're there as a reminder to me that I was someone once. I knew who I was.. I never really questioned everything. I wasn't as paranoid. I just get so caught up this is stupid focuss of hating myself.. all the stupid decisions I make and the things that I say.. I don't want to think about it so much, but there's only so much distracting myself I can do before I end up in a situation where go totally quiet and can't make myself speak.. or till I pass a mirror or whatever. It's stupid but I can't control it at all.

Plus there being so many photos of me and John together it makes me think that once we might have been on the same wavelength. I'm really scared I'm going to loose John the way I lost my dad.. and pretty much all other family bar my mum. Like.. I don't want to space that there is between me and everyone else I should be close to to be between to and him. That thought depresses the hell out of me.

Pictures = something to hold onto

Except there's this doubt in my mind about that as well, because some pictures are total lies. There's this picture of me and John with Hugh when we were little and it's.. fake. It's just a moment we're all smiling in, but for different reasons. For John because it was his birthday, for me the same reason probably, plus I just might have been happy but for him.. it was the show to my mum, to get in and then do what he's done to us now.

I deliberately avoided putting in the pictures of my dad.

I wish I could fix everything, have normal relationships with people. Out of my family I am actually close with one person - my mum. Everyone else I gave up on.. John I cling on to. It's pathetic.

In Sarah Dessen books a lot is suppposed to change over a summer. Last summer a lot of things were supposed to change but they didn't. Everything is the same this year...

I'm confusing myself. I