A bit of a weird week to be honest. I'm all mood swings and over thinking everything constantly. The dreams aren't helping. It's ending now in me sitting here feeling completely miserable and slightly sick.

I've been thinking a lot about people that I used to know, and wondering where they are, if they ever think about me etc. It's partly because this time last year everything was blowing up massively between mum and Hugh... the whole going away without him thing was supposed to be this huge step but we've not moved on at all. He's still here, he's still making us miserable and to top it all off we're going on holiday together in a couple of weeks. Me and Hugh haven't spoken since the incident where he decided it would be a good idea to scream shut up in my brother's face. I'm not planning on ackowleging is prescence any time soon. He's even spat the dummy tonight because mum watched Eastenders with me rather than going into the kitchen and watching him wash up. I don't understand why he thinks everything sould be edited for his benefit. Dad can't manage to do it for me and John, so why the hell does he think we'd do it for someone who - lets face it - has nothing whatsoever to do with us. Someone who doesn't care about us, and someone who hates me.

I thought it was supposed to be easy to find people on the internet, with stuff like Bebo and Facebook.. I guess I thought I could just type her in and she'd pop up just like that. I don't know why I'm even typing her in, it's not like I would message her. She wouldn't remember me.
I was looking for this girl I knew in primary school, called Leannie. My last couple of years of primary school were really messed up for a variety of reasons and she sort of.. well she really got me. She understood me in a really overbearing, suffocating kind of way. It was weird the way she acted like she hated me when we were in school, but as soon as the day of that ended she wanted to hang out of me.
Her mum commited suicide about half way through year 6. It was a weird thing to deal with. Leanne's mum had always been this kind of mystery that I'd never properly understood. I knew there was some kind of custody battle going on between her parents but I didn't really get why. I remember always thinking the fact that she lived with her dad was weird but that was just because I'd always been with just my mum. I don't know why I didn't stay in touch with her. It was just weird, because she freaked me out so much... I tried to stay in touch with her but in the end I don't think anyone really wanted to stay in touch with me much.. so i gave up. Which I probably shouldn't have done.

Then, the other person who's been very there in my head this week was this host I used to know on AOL. I found out her real name along with a load of other stuff later on but I'd better not name her any way. It's weird, in general I'm not exactly good with secrets, but I never told anyone about my conversations with her. I'm a lot happier now, I think, but for a long time I was really sad and got really lonely.. then I found this whole online thing, on the AOLTeens chatrooms. It like... I don't know. I immersed myself in it a bit too much, I know. It was strange because it got so.. intense on there, when it shouldn't have because it was just online. Like, you'd go on happy then you could leave miserable because of something someone said to you. Some people on there told me really horrible lies that made me worry about them all the time.. everyone on there was so paranoid. Lol, the whole thing was so weird and pointless, it was like this extra stress no one needed. There's only so many times you can sit in a chatroom supposedly talking someone out of killing themself. I hated the wondering if I'd seen them online again.. :roll: Like I said, the whole thing was weird. There was this girl on there, Samme. I would have talked about her on here at some point, I'm sure. She got to me enough that I'm pretty sure I would have had to have spoken about her on here. I got so mad at her I made myself sick once, can you believe that? Lol, I can't. I didn't realise I was that desperate to be speaking to people until after I stopped going on there. So anyway, Sammie. She was.. an odd one. She was possesive and hard to deal with. She felt sorry for herself about something all the time, she was a hyprocrite and most of all she was totally paranoid. She really latched onto people, I guess in a lot of ways she was like me. Lonely and.. whatever else. I don't know what the 'else' was, but it made her feel the need to create this little online drama around herself. It got too much for a lot of people.. especially this AOL Host. Sammie had really latched onto her, and the Host... not really understanding fully the situation in the begining.. had let her. This host she didn't exactly use the rules. The hosts weren't allowed to e mail us or anything.. but she did. Only about 3 people, but to start off with Sammie was one of them. And me. Lol, I remember the first night, Samme had totally ripped into her about something stupid.. so I just.. I mean, I knew (or thought I did) that I wouldn't get a reply, but I just wanted to e mail her and say Sammie talked crap and don't get upset... she e mailed me back. I had a really good connection with her, she understood me on a lot of things. Lol, she got me through mum getting John through GCSEs, and she helped me a lot with things to do with mum and Hugh.
And now I never see her. She got close to getting reported once, I don't know how. It was something to do with Sammie, I think. Yeah, so she stopped coming on YT. I had her personal address, which I e mailed a few times but it fizzled out.
That happens to me a lot, fizzling out. Lol, and I wonder why I have barely any friends.

I've been thinking about my dad as well. Like, the issues without issues. There isn't officially any problem, there's just a lot that I haven't said. As I've said before, I've given up on it. There's no point, we're never going to be close.. I can't even hug him. Like, I don't want to. 'Cept I do.. anyway. That's a different issue again. Basically like, in so many things that I see on tv there's all these dad's that are like.. totally passionate about their families. To them all that matters is their kids and they want everything to be ok with then, even thought they don't necesarily live with them all the time. They want to make an effort with their wives and they're just... different. Stupid, unserious example, but there's this bit in The Full Monty where the main guys son runs away from them, because he basically thinks that he dad is a total twat. Right at the begining, after they get stuck in that river on the top or the car that's sinking. It's really sweet. I tried to find it on youtube but I can't so.. if you've seen the film then you'll know what I mean. That gets to me a lot. Any men being sweet to kids does, actually. I can officially say I've never had that. That guy in The Full Monty.. he does all that for his kid because he cares about him so much. Mind wouldn't do that, he's never...

There's is actually no point in this.

I actually can't sit here and do this anymore. I don't like being this miserable, because it turns into pissed offedness and then hurting myself by hitting something-ness.

I had a remedy.

Big Brother.

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