Angst? Me? Never.

The sky was pretty last night, so I thought I'd share.

And then this. The photo itself is crap, but I liked the contrast of things.

x

I've been thinking about karma quite a bit in the last few days.

The definition of karma is "sum of person's actions in one of his successive states of existence, viewed as deciding his fate for the next; destiny; hence".

It came up on yoga on Friday. A few people were having one of those weird, deep conversations that always come out of no where. I wanted to say something, but, as usual I couldn't. Basically it made me think, is there actually such a thing as karma? I don't know - I don't think I have the right to sit here and say something doesn't exist when, actually I wouldn't know anyway, like, I don't see everything. No one does.
I was just wondering if karma is this huge universal thing it's all cracked up to be. I was wondering if, when it comes down to it, it's nothing more than some people truly and honestly believing they deserve all the bad things they get. Whether karma is actually just people being paranoid. A kind of paranoid that they may have grown up with, may have had built into them.

It's not really something I want to have living in my brain though, so I hope I stop thinking about it soon. The extra paranoia of racking your brain trying to find the action that lead to the brick finding it's way to your skull is something I think we could all do without.

And living this life, only to spend all your time worrying about the next one, isn't really living at all, is it?

I went to my dad's today. To be honest it really didn't make me feel any better. Looking at his house... I just.. saw it. I mean, really saw it for what it is. It's like everything in their is this huge example of their - no, his selfishness.

Sort of made me think of that Simpson's Episode. The one with Frank Grimes. Like, my dad does nothing pretty much, he clames to have this totally stressful, difficult life but they both have the money to buy eachother things whenever they feel like it.. they more have more than 200 DVDs. I don't think I really expect a lot, but it would have been nice if he'd changed his mind and thought about us before he went out and got whatever DVD it is this week. Once again youtube as let me down, I tried to find that Frank Grimes thing to illustrate what was going through my head but, annoyingly, the clip isn't there.

Then there's the whole John thing. They are both just so... I can't exactly describe it. Like, if they think you're wrong, they'll team up and go on at you for ages and ages. John is desperate for their approval, it's so obvious that it's painful to watch. Sometimes they they don't even acknowledge him. I hate it. I just felt like screaming at both of them. Seriously, would it kill them to just agree with him even if they don't agree? Answer him even if they aren't interested in what he says? Stop being so involved with themselves for 5 minutes? I hate them. Hate them. And no, I don't You Don't Mean That because right now, at this very second I completely, 100% mean it.

I'm still trying to make more of an effort with my gran when we see her, too. Dad treats her like crap, and like she's stupid. He seems to loose his temper with her every 5 seconds, he won't ever let her explain anything to him without making it obvious that he's getting impatient. His mum has got to be the loveliest person I know, and it makes me mad to see him treating her like he does. So I tried to make conversation which... I'm not good at. I even feel awkward with my gran . But yeah, I managed a few minutes talking about Eastenders, and then John joined in and started talking about their Weakest Link thing so it was ok after that. I've been trying to talk to her more in the last few weeks, it's just difficult. I'm not discreetly awkward.

So, the title? Well, think about Homer Simpson. Frank Grimes has it right, in the sense that here was this guy, who had everything. Here was this guy who also deserved nothing.

FURTHERMORE I am allowed to be miserable, I decided. I'm going to feel sorry for myself here, so I can not mention any of the above stuff to my mum, 'cause hearing that any of this was hurting John (although he wouldn't ever admitt that he was.. she'd try to talk to him about it and he'd hate it.. it'd frustrate him..) she'd be upset. So by being horrible on here, hopefully I can spare them. Lol.

Plus, 3 people who could be parents to me don't like me anyway. So I probably can't get much worse.

"Oh it's not a personal reflection on you"

3 people

3 people

And this post.

Yeah, sure it's not me.

But then, it's okay. 'Cause this blog can't hate me. When I write stuff in here I should probably keep in my head to reduce the Miserable-Teen-Always-Feeling-Sorry-For-Herself thingy.. this is the song in my brain.

Chee-seeey

So, if you hate me now, read this post again with that song playing.

A bit of a weird week to be honest. I'm all mood swings and over thinking everything constantly. The dreams aren't helping. It's ending now in me sitting here feeling completely miserable and slightly sick.

I've been thinking a lot about people that I used to know, and wondering where they are, if they ever think about me etc. It's partly because this time last year everything was blowing up massively between mum and Hugh... the whole going away without him thing was supposed to be this huge step but we've not moved on at all. He's still here, he's still making us miserable and to top it all off we're going on holiday together in a couple of weeks. Me and Hugh haven't spoken since the incident where he decided it would be a good idea to scream shut up in my brother's face. I'm not planning on ackowleging is prescence any time soon. He's even spat the dummy tonight because mum watched Eastenders with me rather than going into the kitchen and watching him wash up. I don't understand why he thinks everything sould be edited for his benefit. Dad can't manage to do it for me and John, so why the hell does he think we'd do it for someone who - lets face it - has nothing whatsoever to do with us. Someone who doesn't care about us, and someone who hates me.

I thought it was supposed to be easy to find people on the internet, with stuff like Bebo and Facebook.. I guess I thought I could just type her in and she'd pop up just like that. I don't know why I'm even typing her in, it's not like I would message her. She wouldn't remember me.
I was looking for this girl I knew in primary school, called Leannie. My last couple of years of primary school were really messed up for a variety of reasons and she sort of.. well she really got me. She understood me in a really overbearing, suffocating kind of way. It was weird the way she acted like she hated me when we were in school, but as soon as the day of that ended she wanted to hang out of me.
Her mum commited suicide about half way through year 6. It was a weird thing to deal with. Leanne's mum had always been this kind of mystery that I'd never properly understood. I knew there was some kind of custody battle going on between her parents but I didn't really get why. I remember always thinking the fact that she lived with her dad was weird but that was just because I'd always been with just my mum. I don't know why I didn't stay in touch with her. It was just weird, because she freaked me out so much... I tried to stay in touch with her but in the end I don't think anyone really wanted to stay in touch with me much.. so i gave up. Which I probably shouldn't have done.

Then, the other person who's been very there in my head this week was this host I used to know on AOL. I found out her real name along with a load of other stuff later on but I'd better not name her any way. It's weird, in general I'm not exactly good with secrets, but I never told anyone about my conversations with her. I'm a lot happier now, I think, but for a long time I was really sad and got really lonely.. then I found this whole online thing, on the AOLTeens chatrooms. It like... I don't know. I immersed myself in it a bit too much, I know. It was strange because it got so.. intense on there, when it shouldn't have because it was just online. Like, you'd go on happy then you could leave miserable because of something someone said to you. Some people on there told me really horrible lies that made me worry about them all the time.. everyone on there was so paranoid. Lol, the whole thing was so weird and pointless, it was like this extra stress no one needed. There's only so many times you can sit in a chatroom supposedly talking someone out of killing themself. I hated the wondering if I'd seen them online again.. Like I said, the whole thing was weird. There was this girl on there, Samme. I would have talked about her on here at some point, I'm sure. She got to me enough that I'm pretty sure I would have had to have spoken about her on here. I got so mad at her I made myself sick once, can you believe that? Lol, I can't. I didn't realise I was that desperate to be speaking to people until after I stopped going on there. So anyway, Sammie. She was.. an odd one. She was possesive and hard to deal with. She felt sorry for herself about something all the time, she was a hyprocrite and most of all she was totally paranoid. She really latched onto people, I guess in a lot of ways she was like me. Lonely and.. whatever else. I don't know what the 'else' was, but it made her feel the need to create this little online drama around herself. It got too much for a lot of people.. especially this AOL Host. Sammie had really latched onto her, and the Host... not really understanding fully the situation in the begining.. had let her. This host she didn't exactly use the rules. The hosts weren't allowed to e mail us or anything.. but she did. Only about 3 people, but to start off with Sammie was one of them. And me. Lol, I remember the first night, Samme had totally ripped into her about something stupid.. so I just.. I mean, I knew (or thought I did) that I wouldn't get a reply, but I just wanted to e mail her and say Sammie talked crap and don't get upset... she e mailed me back. I had a really good connection with her, she understood me on a lot of things. Lol, she got me through mum getting John through GCSEs, and she helped me a lot with things to do with mum and Hugh.
And now I never see her. She got close to getting reported once, I don't know how. It was something to do with Sammie, I think. Yeah, so she stopped coming on YT. I had her personal address, which I e mailed a few times but it fizzled out.
That happens to me a lot, fizzling out. Lol, and I wonder why I have barely any friends.

I've been thinking about my dad as well. Like, the issues without issues. There isn't officially any problem, there's just a lot that I haven't said. As I've said before, I've given up on it. There's no point, we're never going to be close.. I can't even hug him. Like, I don't want to. 'Cept I do.. anyway. That's a different issue again. Basically like, in so many things that I see on tv there's all these dad's that are like.. totally passionate about their families. To them all that matters is their kids and they want everything to be ok with then, even thought they don't necesarily live with them all the time. They want to make an effort with their wives and they're just... different. Stupid, unserious example, but there's this bit in The Full Monty where the main guys son runs away from them, because he basically thinks that he dad is a total twat. Right at the begining, after they get stuck in that river on the top or the car that's sinking. It's really sweet. I tried to find it on youtube but I can't so.. if you've seen the film then you'll know what I mean. That gets to me a lot. Any men being sweet to kids does, actually. I can officially say I've never had that. That guy in The Full Monty.. he does all that for his kid because he cares about him so much. Mind wouldn't do that, he's never...

There's is actually no point in this.

I actually can't sit here and do this anymore. I don't like being this miserable, because it turns into pissed offedness and then hurting myself by hitting something-ness.

I had a remedy.

Big Brother.

Once upon a time, for that is how all proper fairy stories begin, there was a prince. His name was Prince Fanshaw and his parents, Queen Matilda and King Bruno the Wonderful, ruled over the land of Mordinia. They were happy, but they had a problem - the Prince would not marry! They had given hundreds of balls, concerts and parties in his honour. Yet he had not asked a single girl to dance.
"They are so dull," complained the Prince. "I don't like any of them and I certainly wouldn't marry them."
"But all princes get married," said King Bruno. "It is their royal duty." So King Bruno arranged that his son should start rescuing as many fair maidens as possible in the hope that he might find one he liked. First, Prince Fanshaw saved Princess Maribel Mont Percy from a giant toad. "BORING!" he yawned. Then he rescued Lady Elenor De Sax from a dragon. "TEDIOUS!" he cried.
So, in the end, the King and Queen just gave up.
One day, when he finished rescuing Lady Gillian Hope-Jones from a particularly smelly sea monstor, Prince fanshaw decided to go for a long walk. He was sick of being a hero. In fact, he wished that everyone would leave him alone. Wherever he went, the locals would shout: "Look, there's brave Prince Fanshaw!" Or, "Long live the Mordinian monstor slayer!"
Prince Fanshaw took his favourite path down the cliffs to the sea. It was a beautiful day - the sea glittered like silver foil, and the sky was a bright blue. Suddenly, for no reason at all, it stopped being a lovely day. The sea boiled and bubbled like Queen Matilda's home-made stew. The sky grew as black as a raven's wing.
"I hope it doesn't rain," said the Prince to himself. "My sword will rust up." But it did rain, very heavily, and soon huge drops were rolling down his sword buckle.
Prince Fanshaw looked around him. he saw a cave cut into the rock that he had never noticed before, and he ran down the path towards it. It was a cave which smelt of the sea and the wind. There was a bunch of seaweed hanging above the entrance and a sign which read:
"Please knock. No Tradespeople. Wipe your feet."
So he knocked on the side of the cave.
"Who is it?" asked a soft, girlish voice. There was something sad about it like the rustle of sea grass.
"May I come in?" asked the Prince. "It is I, Prince Fanshaw, and it's raining jolly hard."
"Oh! You are the monstor slayer?" said the voice.
"Yes," replied the Prince.
"Well, then you can't come in, for I am a monstor!"
"Have you eaten any fair maidens?" Asked Prince Fanshaw with a sigh. The creature gave a gasp. "No!" it cried in horror. "You see, I was once a maiden myself!"
"I won't hurt you," said the Prince, "but I don't quite understand. What do you mean, you used to be a maiden?"
"You had better come in and hear my story," said the small voice. So Prince Fanshaw entered the cave. It had small walls with fish painted upon them and it seemed to be empty, but the same small voice spoke again from the shadows.
"Once," it began, "I was a princess. I was Princess Floella and I lived in a lovely white castle, with fountains and peacocks. But I was very vain and very spoiled. I would not eat anything but the best chocolates and I would only wear dresses made of silk and pearls. I was rude to everyone, especially my mother and father - I even threw food at the princes who came to court me. Then I made my great mistake. On my sixteenth birthday, I hit a court magician with a blackcurrent pie. I aimed it at Prince Dotimand, who was in love with me, but it hit the court magician instead. He was so angry he turned me into a monstor, and I was immeidately banished.
"But now I realise that it was exactly the right thing I did. Being turned into this was the best thing that could ever of happened to me." And with that she stepped out of the shadows, revealing her true form. She was a huge lizard, wearing the remains of a torn party dress and a diamond necklace around her neck. Prince Fanshaw gasped, and stepped backwards, towards the mouth of the cave.
"You see, when I was trapped in the hopeless, weak body of Princess Floella, all I could do was throw food at annoying, poncy princes. Now, I can truly express what I think about them." Using her huge, scaley tail like a whip she threw Prince Fanshaw across the cave, where he hit a wall. The crack echoed around the cave. Prince Fanshaw let out a moan of pain as the monster turned back and advanced towards him once again.
"I am sick of stupid snivelling princes like you!" snarled Princess Floella. "I've heard about you, you know. I know how you tell poor princesses like I once was that they are boring, and that they are ugly. I'm going to enjoy this." Prince Fanshaw could only look on in horror, for the fear and sheer insanity of it all had rendered him entirely speechless. Floella arched a scaley eyebrow, "Aah well, I never did think much of your sword buckle,
"Nothing to say, eh?" she sighed. "Funny, I would have picked you for a screamer."
And with that, Princess Floella marched forward and swallowed Prince Fanshaw whole. He was still kicking when he hit her stomach.
"Aah," Floella sighed. "6 in one day, that's a new record." Rubbing her full belly, she marched off into the darkness of her cave, chuckling quietly as she planned her fashion week massacre.

First section from: Monstor Stories for Bedtime: Prince Fanshaw's Special Monstor.
Second section (embarassingly) from me. I think it must be the pre-fashion show bitchiness.

I've just got back from the end of year meal that SDC held for John's vocational tasters course. It was fun, actually. I didn't think I was really going to enjoy myself all that much because most of the time when I go to meals with big groups of people I just sit there and don't speak to whole time. Today I managed to have a conversation with 2 whole people! (Yes, whole people. Heads and feet and everything)
Sounds ridiculous but for me it's an achievment, I don't think I even sounded totally stupid either. So TAKE THAT Mr. Loader. I'm not stupid and quiet and I don't need any help from you.
Yes. I am still annoyed about that.

Urgghh. I have to go to a fashion show thing later with Rose. I really really really don't want to go because it's going to depress the hell out of me. It's going to be full of perfect, pretty and talented people.

I hate them.

I have to remember not to make any comments about it though, because last time I did Rose went mad and attacked me. It was terrifying.

I wish Jemma was coming tonight. She would take the piss out of everyone there so much I might forget where I am and not get all miserable.

ANYWAY. I have to stop myself talking about this. I have to give myself a chance to enjoy it.

That's me done. I need to go and get on with this coursework I apparently need so much help dealing with.

Had a bit of a crappy day actually. I don't know why, just one of those days where I woke up in a bad mood and stayed that way. I've been thinking about someone that I used to talk to online a lot as well, which isn't helping. I miss her . I don't know if she'd want me to e mail her though, because surely if she wanted to talk to me, she would have e mailed me. Plus I don't know what's happening with her job now either... so I don't want to get her in trouble.

Rose agreed with me on the resport thing when I told her earlier, she thinks he was a total dick as well. I hate the way crappy teacher's pretend like they care about you so they can look good to their boss and your parents. Even though my mum wasn't at all taken in by it, she knows he's an idiot.

Sebastian left today. Beanie was in a really bad mood last lesson and I guess that must have been why, I didn't know what to say really. Lol, I did embarass myself though. It now has to be explained to me when someone is offering me something.. again... . I don't think I mind that much that he's gone. He made me feel a bit uncomfortable, if I'm honest. I liked him sometimes but most of the time he was totally unnaproachable and eggy. And he turns Beanie into devil woman.

Anyway. I feel way too to write anything interesing.
I'm trying to watch HAARP Muse stuff on youtube but it's being an ass.

Ohh crap. I thought mum was on the phone to Hugh and went go awayyy
(quietly)
Turned out to be her publisher.

Crap.

I have to say this has annoyed me a lot.

Lydia appears to have approached year 10 in a much quieter and reserved manner than she was towards the end of year 9. I understand that the transition to GCSE studies has not been easy for Lydia, yet she still portrays a quiet and dignified student who is trying her best in all that she does. Lydia much be encouraged to seek help when things are getting too much, particularly with coursework deadlines and understanding concepts in Science and Mathematics. Her involvement in activities such as D of E award compliments her academic work and is commendable. Continued application and focus and good organisation and self management should reap dividends for Lydia next summer.

Yeah.
SHUT UP.

He's talking like he's the kind of form tutor who actually bothers to get to know his form. He's barely been here all year for a start, so what would he knows? And it doesn't matter that I'm quieter. AND all the stuff he's talking about was at the begining of the year, and he's acting like it's still all going on now. Not that he ever even knew in the first place, since he couldn't even be arsed to call my mum back when she thought he might want to know about it. And he talks like I've never given in any coursework on time, ok, I was late with media ONCE that does not make me some stupid-never-give-in-coursework-ever type person. So why make it sound like that? And why does he even need to comment on the fact that I'm quieter than I was last year? What does that even have to do with him? ARGH
Twat.

Who does he think he is anyway?

What the hell does dividends mean?

Oooo that's annoyed me.

And I've just found out I have a speaking and listening course morning for english on Thursday (lucky me!) which will end in my having to perform some crap to a load of people. Not that that's going to be a nightmare or anything. Why do they make us do it? Ok, some people are ok with it, some people like doing that kind of thing - let them do it. What about the people it makes worry to death? What about the people who make themseleves feel (but not be anymore.. ha ha ha) sick with worrying about it? Your making people feel physically ill over something that isn't even neccesary! And I know I'm not the only one.
Add on the fact I would even know about it if my mum hadn't of gone through my stuff and found a letter about it.
Seriously. If you're going to inflict that kind of hell upon a person you could at least have the courtesy to let them know first.
They are totally aware no one actually reads those letters.

Idiots.

IT'S GONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I can stay Probably should have checked before I put that post up.

Right. This writing course. What do I do? Thing is, if I go and no one talks to me the whole time, I'm going to end up feeling homesick, getting miserable and then experiencing the real homesick. But at the same time as that, if I go, and I manage to talk to people and it's all ok then it would be amazing, and I would probably get a lot out of it. It might help me to get some of the ideas I have out of my brain and into something.. constructive. I'd like that. I've just been on the website and the place that we would stay in is actually beautiful.

What do I doooooooooo?

So my exams are over. After biology it went extremely downhill. I'm not freaking out as much as I should be. I knew it was going to happen.
I went to see A Midsummer Night's Dream on Thursday. It was so good, and really funny. It's helped a lot as well, it's easier to understand it all when you hear the emotions in people's voices and all that stuff.
http://www.heartbreakproductions.co.uk/
They tour, you should go see them.

Thenn on Friday I went to see Sex And The City. It's great. It was annoying because we ended up going with The Crew but we kind of ditched them and moved in the cinema because they were making loads of noise and everyone was staring. Plus they told us they wouldn't hesitate to throw us out if we annoyed people too much, so moving was the best option. Lol.

This is sounding all crap and disconnected and rubbish. I'm all bad at saying what I'm thinking when I feel like this. All weird and crap.
So, writing. That course has come up. Again. There are 4 places availible because of people dropping out. I went and got a letter this time, which I guess is an improvement. I don't know whether or not I can go though. There's one guy I kind of know going but.. I don't know. And everyone there will be better than me, so I might go somewhere to be on my own and just feel like crap all the time. I don't know.

Finally, if anyone knows how to remove things (this blog) from coming up on google could you tell me please? I removed the thing that made it come up but the link to this comes up anyway. My mum doesn't want it there. She isn't going to read it but she's worried about who will.
Thanks
x

Right, I've had to edit this because what I put on came up on google. My mum found it, she didn't look at this blog and said she wasn't going to which was seriously sweet of her but she told me to delete it 'cause if [insertnamehere] googled the website then my blog comes up and if he clicked on it... I'd be in trouble. Lol.

Firstly, today I failed a chemistry exam. But to be honest, I don't mind that much. I knew it was going to happen and I was quite happy with my imgination for providing me with stuff to put in answers boxes. I'm sure the examiners will have a laugh with it.

Also.

SOMEONE'S TABLE FELL OVER! I WASN'T BEING PARANOID!

(thank god it wasn't mine).

1 down 2 to go. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but then it was biology, and that's kind of my thing. Well, it was a couple of years ago anyway. There was a weird question about rats on herion, which was kind of distracting. You sit thinking about what a rat would be like on drugs rather than answering the question. Lost me five marks damnit.
You know there is a lot more to worrying about an exam than just the actual paper. There's the being scared about finding your seat thing. I found myself looking at my timetable a lot checking that my seat number hadn't magically changed in the last 2 seconds. And then there's the not falling over on your way to finding your seat, and one the way out of the hall afterwards. This is harder than you might think, because everyone that's already sat down stares at you. I hate it. After that there's the kind of worries that only the paranoid people such as myseld and Kailee have. The table falling over. Seriously, it could happen, mind was wobbling loads. Imagene if that happened, it would be so loud and that room echoes. I was trying to picture how I would react if that actually happened. Hysterical laughter, I think. I have to go through this twice more this week, I have chemistry tomorrow as well which totally doesn't help. I hate chemistry. I don't care about chemistry. I don't care about atoms, I can't see them and they don't bother me.
Damn science GCSE.
Also, in other slightly funnier news Hugh seems to have said something to his mum about me. We all ended up going to see Indianna Jones (company was crap but the film was actually really good) and his mum didn't speak to me the whole night, she always talks t o me, and I'm the only person she didn't speak to, so I'm not being paranoid. Hugh really needs to grow up rather than running to his mum because I "hurt his feelings". Right. I wonder if his mum even knows what he's like. I wonder if I shoulod enlighten her.
Actually no. Then I might have to have a conversation with his dad and then I would die. Hmm. He lives to be perfect son another day apparently...

Finally:

I LOVE JAMIE BELL.

That is all.

I hate revision.

Another week exactly the same.

Science is going no better, I got 12/45 on a physics test earlier in the week but managed a C in biology which was ok. Physics and biology though... I don't understand them now and I don't think I ever will. I'm trying so hard with it and getting no where so I might as well give up really. Except I can't do that because then I'll feel worse when I fail. I don't see why I couldn't just be smart. It would make life so much easier, I think being smart when you want to be should be allowed, it would mean much less frustration all round really.
All of which isn't being helped all that much by Jemma. She's taken to using this Oh My God Could You Be Anymore Stupid voice with me in science everytime I don't understand something (i.e all the time). Just because she understands something doesn't mean everybody is going to, and I don't understand why she thinks it's ok for her to make me feel bad about it. And I can't talk to her about it because if I do I know she'll just say that I'm jealous she gets better grades than me. Which, fair enough does annoy me sometimes but the fact is the way she speaks to me has nothing to do with it. I faked needing the loo so I didn't have to sit in there with her any longer, I see myself yelling at her and regretting it so it was the best choice really. Plus I have a really annoying tendency to cry after I get angry with people and I'm definitely not planning on crying in front of people at school. They would probably laugh at me, lol.
So there I was, sat in the loos trying to calm myself down when Rose came in and asked me if I was ok. Which was sweet. Really sweet, actually because I'm mostly used to people ignoring me when I go all stupid like that. She told me it was annoying her too and talked to me so I could let off steam. It's weird and small, I know. But like... moments like that I realise she knows me better than I think.

And this is really sad but I have to say it. I HATE ALEXANDRA FROM BIG BROTHER! Arghhhh I can't stand her. Just watching her puts me in a bad mood. I HATE HER.

I love everything about this.

x

Due to some slightly odd circumstances I found myself at a Boyzone concert on Saturday night.

Funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. I was surpised that I was the only person laughing, really.

Steven Gately sings like a chipmunk. And I'm actually serious, he sounds like he must have inhaled several balloons before he went on stage it's that squeaky. And the dancing. Seriously, just go, it instantly erases any bad mood you have.

It's kewl for her and everything, but I hope mum ends up being involved in a book for someone I'm actually interested in meeting next time. That would be kewl.

Where did you spend your Saturday night?

I'm in a strange mood. Stuck somewhere between major depression and a potential amazing mood. It's weird to think that this time next year I will have finished school. It's a bit depressing to think that this time in two weeks I will have failed half of my science GCSE. I always thought that there was loads of time before I really had to think about anything. Like, when I started year 7 and everyone was saying how quickly it goes I just thought Yeah Whatever You Say... and for the first 2 years, due to the Robyn induced misery, I believed in that. But since she left and I started to make friends and enjoy myself... it's suddenly 4 weeks until I start my work experience.
And that would be ok, all of that. I'm even mostly over the Robyn stuff now, I made friends with the most comtrolling bitch I could possibly have found, I'm done with that now and I have to accept that and move on rather than keeping up with a completely pointless hate. She's gone. Moved away. Best thing that could happen because it meant I could move on too. As I was saying.. 1 year left of school. That'd be great and everything but.. where am I going? I don't know what I want to do, I'm not even close to having a clue and.. well, it makes everything seem kind of pointless. It's hard to motivate myself to revise when I'm not aiming for anything. I'm pointlessly struggling with this stupid, frustrating science and for what? Lol, sorry. Everyone should have my problems right?

That didn't last long. Hugh's here 'cause his mum gave him presents to give John. I'm still ignoring Hugh, and, to annoy him even more I'm going to watch Big Brother tonight. I'm not gunna stop being a bitch this time. He deserves it. In a way it'll just be showing him how he is, he's a much bigger baby than me. "Oh poor me I've lost all control over my girlfriend because she got a back bone."

Seriously though, I used to think my mum was pathetic. Not anymore. And I'm proud of her

I still hate him for making her worse though. Taking advantage of someone when they aren't exactly well is sick, I see that now and it's unforgivable. Meldodramatic? Maybe.

I just worked out what my mood is:

Bitch

Heh heh..

... Went well. He enjoyed himself and loved all his presents and stuff.

Photos?

Photos.

That's us. Lots of us. I hate all of the photos of me that got taken during the day, lol. We can't stop John from doing his scary grin face in photos. I don't know where it came from, but these things are usually off tv so if anyone has any ideas then let me know .

I don't think I'd be comfy sitting with my mouth open like that. I thought he was fake to start off with 'cause he didn't move for ages but evetually he gave himself away by blinking.
I don't know about anyone else that was there, but in my opinion the bridge that we were on was pretty low. I also ended up having a conversation with a random lady about being scared that the bridge wasn't going to stand the weight of all the people that were on it. I'm not that only one who thinks this way, so it's okay.

Doesn't really have much to do with anything. I just thought it was a nice flower.

*

In other news, Hugh didn't come round all weekend, and if he sticks to it (which he is apparently doing) he isn't coming around in the evenings anymore because of what I said to him. Baby.

Also, my PE teacher (who reminds me of Hugh.. !) shoved me today! Seriously. I had my arms crossed for about two seconds and he came up to me screaming in my face and then shoved me out of the way so he could do an immitation of how crap I was being. He is also a sexist twat, he's really friendly with all the boys but talks to us like we don't have brains. After he left I said "Kelly, this is a ball, you throw it" but nobosy got it. I really hate Mr Harries. .

I still can't believe he shoved me.

I should sue.

We could do with the money .