What's with the new thingys? 
Mum and Hugh have gone even weirder.
I never realised how much of a control freak he was. That's what all this is about, he's lost his control and he can't stand it. Mum sticking up for me really finished him off. Now he's saying things like "I don't think I'm going to come around in the evenings anymore, I'm not welcome" expecting her to be all Oh I'll Do Anything Please Keep Coming Round crap she used to do. She doesn't really care that much and he can't stand it.
It's still crap because she isn't that happy and we're not secure but.. it's amazing how much more confident she's got. Things have changed a lot in the last year. Even from when I was in primary school I used to be frustrated with my mum all the time. I used to get so mad at her for not just sticking up for us when I thought she should.
I used to think my mum was pathetic. Not anymore.
That's the thing about how Hugh worked though. My mum used to be so insecure. Well, she still is now, just not as bad. But anyway, that's what he used to use against her. Whenever she disagreed with him or whatever he'd start looking at her like she was crap and useless and then start talking about everything being pointless and leaving and stuff. Then she'd start begging him to stay, like really pathetic crap. I hated it, how he could reduce her to that. It was pathetic. Then he'd go home and she's be so grateful when he rang up but still scared 'cause he'd go all distant. I never really got it till last night but he is such a control freak. He was always doing little things like that, little things to make her feel crap about herself. He always made her scared that he would go away and find someone else... lots of things. She never used to stand up for us either, because not saying anything kept the peace. Not that he listens when she does say things now.
It's like.. she's changed but he hasn't. He doesn't get his own way anymore and that makes him get nasty.
I also never realised that in my innability to tell people when they are being unfair to me that they are being that way I'm being exactly how my mum was. And I hate that so much. It's like frustrating but not so you can actually describe it in words other than ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 
I hate him. I can't actually put into words how much I hate him. He has taken a lot away from us. If he wasn't there then someone else might have been, someone real. Someone dad shaped enough that I wouldn't have to guilt trip them into "thinking" about going to their sons 18th 
although that's nothing to do with Hugh so I don't know why I brought it up. I have too many things in my brain tonight.
I know one thing though. I from now on stand up for myself because there is no way that I am ever letting myself end up the way mum and Hugh were.. and the way that they are now. In some ways I think the fact that I never meet any guys that would like me is a good thing. I don't ever want to put someone in a position that would mean they could do that to me.
I have all stupid marks on the palms of my hands from where I keep digging my nails into them. I'm still not used to having nails.
Well I bet this made a hell of a lot of sense .
I feel so crap. I want to scream at Hugh and I want to explain everything I've realised in the last couple of days on here but everytime I try and get it out of my head it turns into a jumbled screwy mess.
I wish I could explain things, properly. But the only person who knows as much about it as I do and everything she says is making me worry and everything I say is making her feel bad.
But I keep saying stuff.
Which makes me pretty horrible really.
Anyway.
Finish.
