It's weird once you start saying the things you normally don't say. Once you start you don't stop. Even though you know you should. Even though you know the person is going to be hurt by it. When you actually don't care about the person you're hurting, but you do care about the person you're accidently hurting by hurting the person you don't care about hurting in the first place.
It's kind of squewy.
Plus what I said wasn't even that bad. Well, I guess it wouldn't be if you heard it on the outside, but given certain events of last year that happened with us in the context that I said it it was kind of bad.
Basically Hugh has kept up his being really overly, kind of strained nice since we got back from Spring Harvest, because he's worried mum's is going to work out he's an asshole and go off with somebody else. When Hugh's nice it makes me nervous, if he's nice for a long time, which this time he kind of has been it makes me really edgy because when someone's been nice for ages when they go back to being horrible all the time again it's more scary. And it makes my mum sadder.
Tonight the whole being nice act got pretty strained. It shows how pathetic he is that it was over Eurovision and my mum chosing to do the washing up rather than sitting down and thinking about not doing the washing up (next time I'm just going to do the freakin' washing up!). He's been doing the whole visable "I'm not happy with this you but I'm going to carry on and act like everything's fine because I know that makes you feel worse because i am a twat". This was bugging me and making me nervous but not enough so to yell at him. I got very tempted when he kept giving John "the look" and acting all disgusted over the things that, yes, John does. Live with it. But.. To be honest, Hugh, you dug your own grave when you pretty much screamed shut up in my brothers face.
No one, and I mean no one screams at my brother like that. Especially not the guy who doesn't want to be our dad. He chose not to, and yet still feels he has the right to yell at us, how does that make sense? There's no point in demanding respect you've never done anything towards earning. Prick. So I yelled at him and basically said the whole Your An Asshole And If You Keep Going Like This There Is No Way On Gods Green Earth That We Are Going On Holiday With You card. He deserved it.
He left.
That shocked me most. I said that and he was just instantly "right, I'm going."
Suprising. Me yelling back makes people leave the house. Although now I have to deal with my mum looking really really worried/sad/mad/dissapointed all at me. Which isn't so great. Ok. It's hell.
I want to be selfish and not think about how my mum is feeling, because I know that I did the right thing.
The crappest thing about it is that John actually turned on me with everyone else.
No, actually. The crappest, most stupid fact is that I actually feel guilty.
