Angst? Me? Never.

Pretty same-ish day. Still don't feel brilliant but that was kind of expected really.

I went to Pulse last night, it's the first time I've done when we've not been at school and I can see now I haven't really been missing much. 4 people came. Turned out ok in the end though, because none of the "youth workers" could be bothered to do anything apart from sit around and talk so not having many kids to keep an eye on was very good. Plus they were doing a greek food night and seeing as there was hardly anyone there we actually got to eat most of it. I think that is the first time I've ever done Pulse and found myself relaxed afterwards. Emma was even being nice.

As for today.. I've done pretty much nothing. We finished getting ready for tomorrow this morning and all I've done this afternoon is break a coffee strainer and waste a lot of paper in an attempt to print out the card I made for John. I'm never using Paint again.

Finally, I have to say that so far The Host (book I'm reading) is AMAZING. Obviously it's not as good as the Twilight series because of a lack of Edward Cullen but apart from that it's seriously good. Makes me a bit sad in places but it's is sooo good that I don't mind.
http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/thehost.html In case you're interested in knowing what I'm talking about.

I've just remembered that so far today I haven't done any revision so.. Bye x

What's with the new thingys?

Mum and Hugh have gone even weirder.

I never realised how much of a control freak he was. That's what all this is about, he's lost his control and he can't stand it. Mum sticking up for me really finished him off. Now he's saying things like "I don't think I'm going to come around in the evenings anymore, I'm not welcome" expecting her to be all Oh I'll Do Anything Please Keep Coming Round crap she used to do. She doesn't really care that much and he can't stand it.

It's still crap because she isn't that happy and we're not secure but.. it's amazing how much more confident she's got. Things have changed a lot in the last year. Even from when I was in primary school I used to be frustrated with my mum all the time. I used to get so mad at her for not just sticking up for us when I thought she should.
I used to think my mum was pathetic. Not anymore.

That's the thing about how Hugh worked though. My mum used to be so insecure. Well, she still is now, just not as bad. But anyway, that's what he used to use against her. Whenever she disagreed with him or whatever he'd start looking at her like she was crap and useless and then start talking about everything being pointless and leaving and stuff. Then she'd start begging him to stay, like really pathetic crap. I hated it, how he could reduce her to that. It was pathetic. Then he'd go home and she's be so grateful when he rang up but still scared 'cause he'd go all distant. I never really got it till last night but he is such a control freak. He was always doing little things like that, little things to make her feel crap about herself. He always made her scared that he would go away and find someone else... lots of things. She never used to stand up for us either, because not saying anything kept the peace. Not that he listens when she does say things now.
It's like.. she's changed but he hasn't. He doesn't get his own way anymore and that makes him get nasty.
I also never realised that in my innability to tell people when they are being unfair to me that they are being that way I'm being exactly how my mum was. And I hate that so much. It's like frustrating but not so you can actually describe it in words other than ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
I hate him. I can't actually put into words how much I hate him. He has taken a lot away from us. If he wasn't there then someone else might have been, someone real. Someone dad shaped enough that I wouldn't have to guilt trip them into "thinking" about going to their sons 18th although that's nothing to do with Hugh so I don't know why I brought it up. I have too many things in my brain tonight.
I know one thing though. I from now on stand up for myself because there is no way that I am ever letting myself end up the way mum and Hugh were.. and the way that they are now. In some ways I think the fact that I never meet any guys that would like me is a good thing. I don't ever want to put someone in a position that would mean they could do that to me.
I have all stupid marks on the palms of my hands from where I keep digging my nails into them. I'm still not used to having nails.
Well I bet this made a hell of a lot of sense .

I feel so crap. I want to scream at Hugh and I want to explain everything I've realised in the last couple of days on here but everytime I try and get it out of my head it turns into a jumbled screwy mess.

I wish I could explain things, properly. But the only person who knows as much about it as I do and everything she says is making me worry and everything I say is making her feel bad.
But I keep saying stuff.
Which makes me pretty horrible really.

Anyway.

Finish.

Still feeling fairly crap. Hugh didn't come around again last night though, which is a bonus. We watched Gross Pointe Blank. I love that film. You should watch it 'cause it's amazing. I would describe it but I'm bad at doing that kind of thing without actually spoiling the whole film.

I have something to focus on now, it's John's 18th on Friday. I seriuosly can't believe that, partly because mentally, he's probably still 12ish, that's what me and mum decided anyway. And he's still so small. We were looks-wise with all different kinds of autism there's the 2 extremes, they're either tiny and really really skinny or really big boned and tall. John is teeny. He's so skinny and still has size 6 feet. xD. So I'm trying to make this birthday good for him, and that included guilt tripping my dad. Mum's been bugging me a bit with I Can't Belive Your Dad Isn't Going To Do Anything For John's 18th thing and when we asked him to come out with us on Friday he said he'd 'check with Mandy' (he couldn't really be any more under the thumb). After he left I decided to do something I've never tried before, I sent him this really whiney text saying he had to come because it would make it so much more special etc etc etc. It's apparently worked because now he said he should be able to come but with confirm today or tomorrow. Ha ha. I kind of hate the fact I have to guilt trip my dad into coming to his son's 18th.. . Probablyy best not to think about that too much though.

Anyway, so, my present. I've made John a cd out of all the songs he's always singing around the house.
I've been messing around with the order for a while but now I've settled with this:

1. Bowling For Soup - Punk Rock 101
2. Red Hot Chili Peppers - Give It Away
3. Foo Fighters - All My Life
4. Sum 41 - In Too Deep
5. Bowling For Soup - 1985
6. Maroon 5 - This Love
7. David Bowie - Life On Mars?
8. DC Talk - Jesus Freak
9. Fall Out Boy - This Aint A Scene, It's An Arms Race
10. Linkin Park - In The End
11. My Chemical Romance - Welcome To The Black Parade
12. Greenday - Basket Case
13. Nirvana - Smells Like Teen Spirit
14. Wheatus - Teenage Dirtbag
15. Nickleback - How You Remind Me
16. My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

I hope he likes it. I'm also gunna make him a Gene Hunt card or something.

It's kind of funny that we're taking him to the zoo for his 18th. The zoo near us recently got crocadiles and he's been wanting to see them for a while. We're going to see who's teeth and scarier, the crocodiles, or John's with his new braces. Lol.

I really need to start being more organised though, his birthday's on Friday and I'm only just sorting myself out.

It's weird once you start saying the things you normally don't say. Once you start you don't stop. Even though you know you should. Even though you know the person is going to be hurt by it. When you actually don't care about the person you're hurting, but you do care about the person you're accidently hurting by hurting the person you don't care about hurting in the first place.

It's kind of squewy.

Plus what I said wasn't even that bad. Well, I guess it wouldn't be if you heard it on the outside, but given certain events of last year that happened with us in the context that I said it it was kind of bad.

Basically Hugh has kept up his being really overly, kind of strained nice since we got back from Spring Harvest, because he's worried mum's is going to work out he's an asshole and go off with somebody else. When Hugh's nice it makes me nervous, if he's nice for a long time, which this time he kind of has been it makes me really edgy because when someone's been nice for ages when they go back to being horrible all the time again it's more scary. And it makes my mum sadder.
Tonight the whole being nice act got pretty strained. It shows how pathetic he is that it was over Eurovision and my mum chosing to do the washing up rather than sitting down and thinking about not doing the washing up (next time I'm just going to do the freakin' washing up!). He's been doing the whole visable "I'm not happy with this you but I'm going to carry on and act like everything's fine because I know that makes you feel worse because i am a twat". This was bugging me and making me nervous but not enough so to yell at him. I got very tempted when he kept giving John "the look" and acting all disgusted over the things that, yes, John does. Live with it. But.. To be honest, Hugh, you dug your own grave when you pretty much screamed shut up in my brothers face.
No one, and I mean no one screams at my brother like that. Especially not the guy who doesn't want to be our dad. He chose not to, and yet still feels he has the right to yell at us, how does that make sense? There's no point in demanding respect you've never done anything towards earning. Prick. So I yelled at him and basically said the whole Your An Asshole And If You Keep Going Like This There Is No Way On Gods Green Earth That We Are Going On Holiday With You card. He deserved it.
He left.
That shocked me most. I said that and he was just instantly "right, I'm going."
Suprising. Me yelling back makes people leave the house. Although now I have to deal with my mum looking really really worried/sad/mad/dissapointed all at me. Which isn't so great. Ok. It's hell.
I want to be selfish and not think about how my mum is feeling, because I know that I did the right thing.

The crappest thing about it is that John actually turned on me with everyone else.

No, actually. The crappest, most stupid fact is that I actually feel guilty.

So, this morning John wanted to watch this car racing thing that started at 10. It got to like 9.58 and he still wasn't up and I knew he would be unbearably eggy all day if I didn't, so I went and woke him up.

A minute later he came downstairs in just this tiny pair of pants (who knows where they came from) carring his clothes.

After sort of putting a pair of trousers on he goes

"Oh, I've forgotten my t-shirt. How embarassing."

So today I'm going to talk about my friend Kailee, she is possibly the weirdest person that I have ever met and I love her for it. Where everything is always all up in the air with Beanie, everything is funny with Kailee. She attracts mad people the match her mad life. I wish I was in all of her lessons, I wouldn't have the whole falling asleep problem then.
I'm also going to talk about my media teacher. I am begining to suspect that he may be insane. He doesn't really talk to me personally, because I'm kinda quiet in media and quiet people so obviously freak him out. Anyway, he tells us all these totally unlikely stories completely seriously. Maybe he is serious but... well, the other day he was telling us about this guy he knows, who's a farmer, apparently some farming equipment thingy fell on his head and make like, this massive hole in his head. So, instead of going to hospital like a normal person he puts pollyfiller in there... . Yeah. Right. The whole concussion/death thing apparently was no problem for him. He also told us about some friend he has who got knocked out by a boob. And this is where it comes back to Kailee, today, in her media class some kid had brought in these weird magic bean things that jump around or something and eventually he got annoyed with this bean and got out a pink crow bar (!) and started hitting this magic bean. Because all teachers totally need a pink crow bar.
And also, while I'm on this, men. Seriously, what is wrong with them? The guy that sits opposite me in science got hold of Rose's umbrella (all guys are obsessed with Rose's umbrella, it's one of those ones where you press a button and it pops open) and started opening it in his friends face, pretending it was a gun. Then when Miss Science Teacher looked over he shoved it down his top then it popped open in his face. After the umbrella got taken away he pretened to swallow a plastic bag.
The guys in Kailee's maths class pay a game called Danger Throw. The basic rules are is you have to open a pair of scissors and throw them at eachother. Whoever bleeds first loses. Seriously, why? I do want to be in Kailee maths class though, their smart so their teacher doesn't seem to make them do any work, they just play four in a row and danger throw for an hour every lesson.
Further proof of the whole mad guys thing, once, these 3 guys I knew, started spraying deoderant in their eyes and filming it. Harry (umbrella guy) also attacked us with deoderant today. Men's deoderant stinks. In a bad way. And tastes really bad when you breathe too much of it in.

So yeah.

I'm done now.

x

Right, so. Basically I have this friend who I'm having quite a few problems with right now, problems that I can't really work out any way to sort, because.. I can't talk to her anymore. She makes me nervous. I've known her about 2 years now, when I first met her she was pretty shy, like me and was really easy to get on with, not someone that I would be scared to talk to or anything. But then... well, she always looks moody, even when she isn't, pissed off is her natural facial expression. Then lots of people started picking up on this, as she gained for confidence and started talking with more people. We didn't mind this, we were just there to tell her that yes she wasn't stressy and no she wasn't moody etc. Then after a while.. she started getting into the whole emo thing, because of one of the new friends she had made that she wanted to impress or relate to or whatever. I guess I normally wouldn't sterio-type but she was basically trying to be everything an "emo" was supposed to be. Which included being alternately stressed and miserable, eventually, like how she was before, this passed and she carried on getting more confident. Which was kewl, I mean, she was happy and everything. Then this whole I'm A Stressed Person Personality took over. I can't exactly pinpoint when but at some point she went from being our Beanie to being weird multiple personality Beanie.
And now nice to everyone apart from me and Rose Beanie. I noticed her roll her eyes at us after we said hi to her today, and then go back to talking to the guy that she was talking to before. I really don't understand this. She's always really different with me in spanish lessons as well. She has this massive, totally obvious crush on our spanish teacher, which for some reason makes her feel the need to make me feel completely stupid, and tell her the class (!) when they aren't doing what Seb wants. It's just irritating. Plus she's such a freakin hypocrite.
I'm just sick of her. I can't be bothered dealing with it, I like the Beanie she sometimes is, the one that I can talk about anything with and the one that... conversation just flowed so amazingly well. The one that basically gets me to pull myself together when I'm threatening to "throw a wobbly" in public. I just.. I don't really think spending all this time around the new, mean Beanie is worth the 10 minutes every few months I get with the old one.
I bitched at her today. I didn't mean to, I just keep losing my temper this week. In public. Not like me.
I think I'm avoiding her tomorrow.
Not that she'll care, whether I'm there or not doesn't really seem to be worth that much anymore.

Weird. I don't think I ever would, it'd be too weird. Plus I don't really go in chatrooms anymore anyway. It got too crap and weird.
This guy I talk to is apparently very into them though. He 'loved' Katie and couple of weeks and now his MSN name is 'John <3 Mel'. Hmmm. I'm dying to ask what happened.
Damnit.
I wish he would just say.
I hate being nosey.
And I hate holding back.

John had his MRI today, we get the results next week. He was fine about it, which is good. Being stuck inside the tube thingy for half an hour would have freaked me out, but that kind of stuff seems to have passed John by.

I hate hospitals. They're creepy. All the long dark corridors, it's like it's disigned to freak you out. And I was definitely way to close to comfort to certain zones of it. It made me remember things I would rather not remember. And then I got way to concious of myself. I don't know why, I think it was just some kind of weird reaction.
In the end I kept myself occpied with picking out the doctor's. I wonder if they realise how obvious they are. Doctor's even have their own walk.

I made another blog today, on a different site. Not because I'm leaving this one, just because I found an interesting one on there by accident. I can't actually work out how to use the site, so the whole thing was probably pointless. Plus it was another one where lots of people write to entertain and I'm not good at that. I just think too much in my blogs. Plus, when I made it, I was still feeling a bit too concious of how I was sounding, so I ended up doing a robot post.

I HATE FEELING CRAP

The sooner this week is over the better.

Mood: thoughtful.

Not miserable, which is an improvement on yesterday. Although this time I know my moods are definitely hormone related, I wish they just didn't make me feel quite as low as they do. It gets to the keep myself away from the hair straightners thing sometimes. Ahh well, I've read about worse, some people seriously attack people from it.
(I don't expect you to know that I'm talking about).

Right, basically, I just finished reading this book. Just Listen, it's by Sarah Dessen. It's an amazing book, seriously, amazing. It always makes me think, but I've never really though about what it says, like, in terms of myself. Part of what it's about, in terms of communication is about the extremes, like, there's the never speaking, and telling anyone what's going on, and then there's the always giving entirely too much detail. Always wanting to talk about everything, when you don't really need to, so when the time comes to need to talk not much.. weight is put in it, because you're always going on all the time anyway. I think I'm somewhere inbetween that. I know for a fact that I talk entirely too much rubbish, and that it would be better if I just got to the point sometimes. I hate being like I am right now. I want to be someone who can stand up on her own. Not just [insert name here]'s friend. And sometimes not even that.

I hate attention but I'm sick of always being the person people look past.

There is this stupid group of people at school that are seriously begining to annoy me now. Granted, I don't actually have to to have anything to do with them at the moment but with how loud they are, you can't really help it. I guess it's been forming since last year, but with the additon of the new girl (I say new, she's been around for a few months now) who is all "Hey Hunni!" it is so crap. They are lame and irritating. They laugh at stupid things that aren't funny and are just so... immature. Ok, I'm not mature but they are.. just ARGH. I hate them. They're all (not funny) sex jokes and going on about blow jobs all the time. And I actually mean all the time. All the girls go out with and fancy these same three boys because they are the only people they can get, and the only other people desperate enough to be a part of the whole crappy 'scene'.
Yes, this is harsh, but I think it's pathetic to go out with someone because they're what's there. They don't even see beyond their (crappy) circle. They choose these pathetic guys with no personality that speak to your chest, not your face and go out with them, because then they can say they've kissed someone. Not that they actually speak to eachother the whole time they're going out, no, they just go on about 'getting friendly', usually when they're 'boyfriend' isn't actually around. And then when it all 'falls apart' (namely due to the 'it' guy of the moment having liked the same girl for several years) they have to spend a lot of time playing (more crappy) dare games to help them 'get over' him. THEY'RE SO ANNOYING. And they all have really stupid laughs. There's this other guy in their group, and he used to be alright but now... he's irritating. Ok, I get that he's a guy and everything but I swear he used to be able to talk about things that didn't revolve directly around sex. Unfortunately, now, you can't tease them for talking about it all the time because they're not getting anywa because there's a girl in their crappy 'crew' who is more than willing to relieve all the guys of their virginity. Then there's Dave, who apparently 'wouldn't say no' where I'm concerned. He is actually rhe creepiest person I have ever met. He's really into the whole 'emo' thing, so he's constantly going on about his inner 'pain' and talking about which part of himself he is going to stick a pin through next. It doesn't help that he has no expression whatsoever in his voice and always sounds apathetic towards everything. And also threatens to kill himself everytime one of his many (year 8.. that's 12 year old..) girlfriends dump him. I might be being 'prudish' or something, but a guy that's nearly 16 going out with a 12 year old...

Haha. I'm Glad Gav's back. KM sucked without him.

Oh yeah, science mock results.

Wait for it.

E.

Ahh well. Could have been a U.

Mocks. yep, boring and everything

English: C+ I wanted higher than that and it's bugging me. Seriously. I would have settled for a B. English is something I'd really like to be good at.

Then RE. Miss RE Teacher said it was an easy exam. We'd done some of the questions before. We had an hour and a half to do 3 questions rather than 1 hour 45 mins to do 4.

I got an A*.

But they said it was an easy exam so..

Still science and child d to go. Science is a possible U, this morning we were told there were lots of them. They must be begining to realise their teaching methods have a bit of a flaw when second set are getting U's. Seriously, why am I in second set anyway? It was in practically bottom last year, I'm only were I am now because I did really well in my SATs on a total fluke last year. I'm not looking forward to getting that result tomorrow.
Then child d... . I really don't know. I'm thinking fiarly crap though.

Ahh well. At least I can do RE.
That'll so get me through life

Optimism. As usual.

Hey. So it's kind of been a while again. There isn't any explaination other than the fact that everything I write these days bugs me so much I instantly have to delete it. So whether or not this will get published is yet to be seen.
I did the whole church thing again today, it was pretty much the same as last time, me making the same, awkward attempts at conversation with Abbie and sitting there the whole time feeling overwhelmingly shy. Whether or not I'll ever actually make a proper friendship with someone there I don't know, it's hard, because it's only once and week and I'm not bringing someone with me, like Rose or Jemma, to make it less scary. John's there, but he doesn't really help. So much for me standing on my own two feet in anything. Whenever it's just me I seem to dissapear and get ignored.
It's pretty depressing really .
I still want to keep going though, because some of the things that were said did make me think.

In other news, I've finished the walking section of my DofE! We had our assessed walk yesterday and Friday and he survived again and didn't get lost once . And Imy managed to keep her clothes on this time. I ended up watching this really stupid game a dares though, I guess Beanie and Carrie think they're somehow 'kewl' after Friday night but I think they've embarassed themselves more to be honest. They're now Desperate Nerds. I figured that after I heard something behind me about Isn't This A Bit Far For Them?. That was after Beanie kissed Carrie. Pretty funny but something they're definitely going to be embarased about on Monday . And I also hate Beanie now (lol) because she decided to yell something about me and masturbation which obviously made random people (i.e most of the campsite) turn around and stare at me.
. Yes this is one of my best friends who knows me and also knows how much I hate attention. Lol. . And after that masturbation started coming into the conversation every 5 minutes.
Literally.
Got to talk to Lorri and his friends again though, which was kewl.

So.. that's me. I now have to try and do a media essay I thought would be easy, so have left myself 4 days to do.. but just discovered is really, really difficult. So I'm going to panic for a while and properly freak out to my mum when she gets back.

xx

We're going away for a week with Hugh when term ends.

Last summer suddenly seems so pointless.

I'm not allowed to be angry.

Obviously

Too much in my head to write about right now. I'm not even going to attempt, because none of it would make sense. And if I'm honest some of it is better off staying in my head anyway.

But seriously, listen to this, it's amazing.

Well, I think so anyway

Yep, finally. I know there weren't actually that many of them but I feel so much better now that they're over. Science, the mock I had today, went terribly though. Seriously, I had no idea I test could actually go so bad. I knew the first section, because it was biology and it's kinda easy, but the physics and chemistry.... Seriously impossible. I couldn't do any of it so I just decided to make up some random crap for each question and hope for the best. That's one result I'm not looking forward to. Not that I'm that hopeful for any of them, but it's a fact I just bombed science. I'm trying to keep telling myself that they're only mocks, but it's hard, because I have an actual real GCSE science exam it a few weeks time. I really need to revise more.

I got cross with my child development teacher today she has got to be the crappest most ignorant and USELESS teacher I have ever had. She has our lesson in the computer room, and then when the computers don't work she acts as though it's our fault. Given the fact that none of the computers were working, I thought I would use my eniciative or whatever and go and get myself one f the text books. That's bad as well, apparently. Apparently I should be planning my visits. I plan my visits, and that isn't good enough either. Just looking at her makes me want to shoot myself.
Spending time with her makes my entire class want to shoot her.

Kailee: How was child d?

Kailee: