Angst? Me? Never.

Only one more mock left now.
Child d today went pretty badly. It wasn't as hard as I thought but I still didn't know what half of it meant and how to answer. I should be revising for science right now as well but if I'm honest I really don't see the point. I haven't understood most of what we've done recently so reading through work I don't understand anyway seems pretty pointless.
The youth workers at Pulse think I'm weird now as well. I sort of freaked out tonight and then when I opened the till it knocked a drink flying over some playstation singstar stuff... Seriously. Working in that place puts you off having kids. Plus they are into the whole "lets get Lydia and Rose into trouble" thing now. Like whenever we do something they can twist they go and tell Emma or Frankie so it's like we're a pair of teenage child abusers or something. It's annoying. They sort of left me alone tonight though, I stuck mostly with the girls, they're ok. Well, mostly anyway. The year 7 & 8 boys are so weird and they really don't understand that whole personal space thing I can't help being weird about. I really don't want some random kid shoving his face right near me. I know that makes me sound really mean but I'm weird like that.
I don't really have much new to say until this stupid crappy mood goes away. 3 days now, surely tomorrow I'll wake up without a headache, feeling like I've actually slept and not like I'm going to cry if a fly lands on me (ha ha). The rain and freezing coldness really doesn't help.
Hormones.

First two mocks today. English and RE. They were alright I guess. The english one was worst, because it was at 9.10 and I hadn't really had enough time to calm myself down between getting up and getting to school. I managed my time really badly and didn't end up doing very much for one of the questions. RE was slightly better, I managed 4 pages. Lol, I thought that was pretty good until Imy told me that she'd done 8.
You know, today I've done 3 and a quarter hours worth of exam. That's kind of a lot when you think about it. And after the RE one we had to sit in this freezing exam hall for half an hour until the end of the day. I never thought I'd want to go and see Sabastian and my spanish class.
Some good news though, the maths GCSE module I took a few months ago...
I got my C . I was really suprised, because I didn't think that I was going to. I got 75/75 which means mroe than 93%, I was like lol. Jemma was really sweet, she was like YOU GOT YOUR C I'M SO PROUD OF YOU every five minutes for ages. Hehe, she's sweet .
xx

Happy Birthday Rose xxx

School was surprisingly ok today, I haven't felt brilliant but it got gradually better throughout the day. I'm kind of disappointed the stupidness hasn't completely gone away but I suppose I couldn't expect myself to be cured that quickly.
So it looks like PE this term isn't actually going to be too terrible. I ended up in cricket (lol) but it's alright. Well, the beginning wasn't, they made us to this test to see how far we could run in 6 minutes. Me and Jasmine decided that running is a matter of opinion. The actual cricket is pretty funny though, there don't seem to be any complex rules that I have to learn yet so we can just muck around and try and hit the balls that get thrown at us. It's good being in a class with Jasmine and Beanie as well, rather than my class last term. Last term everyone went off in pairs all the time and I just spent my whole time being this stupid outsider. Not helped by the fact that I wasn't exactly happy so I was completely unable to even pretend to join in with their (totally not fun) messing around. Not that any of that's their fault, it's mine, and I know it. Which is why it's a relief to be around people I can relax with.
I had a completely pointless parents evening after school with my head of year today. Mum decided she wanted to let them know about some of the things that have been going on with me since the beginning of term and about how I freak and stuff. My head of year told me that I should find a teacher there that I can go and 'talk' to when I stress out, and that there should be at least one adult there I trust and feel I can speak to about how I'm feeling.
Yeah. Right.

I have my english & RE mocks tomorrow. I'm scared. I have the random pains thing as well which is annoying. I'm going to feel terrible after I eat, I can tell already but I'm really hungry, so I guess I'll have to put up with it. My RE teachers are going to go nuts at me if I do crap.
That was one funny thing about the meeting after school actually, I mentioned that I wasn't completely ok with english and how everything was going, and she asked who my teacher was. When I told her she instantly said "Say no more, I'm aware of the situation" and the fixed smile got that little bit more false. If the school are aware of the fact that she can't teach, why does she still work there?

Anyway, food

Oooooooo!!!

Just got an e mail from CWR and Benny & Sarah's diaries are going for a re-print

Mum was like WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

She's really happy now

I survived another DofE walk!
It was fun, although this new girl that's joined our group, Carrie, is kind of annoying. Within like five minutes she wanted to pee so she went in a field then freaked out 'cause the sheep were watching and sat in a bunch of stinging nettles. Just for a good start, obviously. And we had this drama when we were trying to cross this teeny really not deep stream when Beanie lots her whole walking boot in the mud. I would have helped her obviously but I was laughing too much. It doesn't sound funny when you describe it but at the time it really was.
Yeah, so the I love pillows thing? I seriuosly do. Sleeping without one is crap . I felt like my head was going to fall off, I basically lay in my tent all night gradually getting more and more freezing. Rose's snoring didn't help. I really don't know how she managed to get to sleep, it was weird. Like for a while, she was awake and we were talking about the scary boy who wants to kill me and then suddenly she said "I think I'm gunna go to sleep now" then less than a minute later the snorin started.
Weird.
The Guy Who Hates Me is weirder though. Not 'cause he hates me, but 'cause he hates me and I've never even spoken to him. I don't even know his name. I wish he could hate me and not stare at me though. Lol, it's annoying now though, before I could just tell myself I was being paranoid, but after we'd been sat in the same group as him for a while Rose confirmed it by bringing up the evil glaring. Ahh well. It's not like I know him, I'll just make sure I'm not in the same place as him for any length of time again. But he might stop it now anyway, otherwise Rose will start laughing at him. . I don't claim to be normal, but I swear he is just weird.
I went to church today. Out of choice. It was weird, but ok, it turns out someone I know from school goes. The whole youth bit has been completely re-done in the time I haven't been there. I felt a bit bad though, I haven't been for over a year and everyone was really nice to me. The fact that they remembered me suprised me the most, I'm not exactly memorable, but a couple of people were all "Hi, how are you? It's good to have you back". And I was talking to Dave for a while, the guy that does most of the talking up the front, he's nice.. but sort of.. I don't know. I want to say he looks at my funny but then you'll think I'm too paranoid. I think he's just pretty intense, and I'm not used to it.
Now I have to go and eat
xx

This links directly to the government's Direct Payments Scheme (DoH 2004b) which offers parents of disabled children (aged 0.17 years) the optin of recieving direct payments from the government to arrange their own package of services to respond to their child's needs. Adults with learning disabilities can also apply for their own Direct Payments so they can devise their own care packages.

You'd think, seeing as my brother is currently 17 that we would have heard about thi by now. You'd think after all the times we've asled various doctors what's around for people with very little money that someone would have thought to mention it.

Or am I being unreasonable?

The task force believes that people with learning disabilities are still being excluded and discriminated against by services and society. This means that people with learning disabilties are still getting treated unfairly and missing out on the things that other people get. ... The Task Force wants urgent action to be taken to support and include these people and their families.

Urgent. Right. This was talked about 4 years ago. 4 years ago. It doesn't really apply now but I was put on a list to go to a sibling group when I was 7. I never heard anything back. My mum phoned them again when I was 9. We never heard anything back.
And where is this urgent action? They wouldn't help then and they won't help now. Some of them can't even be bothered to show up to their appointments.

People with autistic spectrum disorders and their families are not getting the help they need. This is despite increased recognition of these disorders which are thought to affect 1 in every 100 people. Howeverm autism and Asperger sydrome so not fit the current ways of thinking about disbility and the existing criteria for eiligibility for many services. A lack of professional understanding and contradictory or confusing giodance from centra government mean that support services for children and adults continue to be disigned without autism in mind.

2003.

2003.

Why hasn't anything changed?

This appointment that John has today was organised months ago. His doctor, who has known him a long time told us that he would be at this appointment because it was neccesary. And that having a doctor there that knew John quite well would be important.

A couple of weeks ago Dr. Sainsbury sent us a letter saying he could no longer come to the appointment. However, the appointment is still happening.

He said, in his original letter, that if for any reason he would be unable to attend, he would re-schedule the appointment as soon as possible.

So why are we going today without him?

It's so weird when Hugh's being nice, it makes him seem almost human. He's even talking to me. Hugh never talks to me. He just ignores me until I annoy him enough so he has to say something.
It's not something I can jusy enjoy though, because I'm waiting for him to snap back again. Something small will happen and then he'll go all weird again. Hating him is easier .

Ooo. You know when you really really want chocolate then you have a teeny bit of chocolate and then all you want to eat in the whole wide universe is chocolate?

I have that.

= chocolate.

= me.

I keep watching the bit of Enchanted with Prince Edward and the bikes.

"GISELLE" *eats fist*

Just looking at that guy makes me and my mum laugh

I don't have to go to school tomorrowwwwwwwww

Ok now I feel really bad.

"Everyone was saying you were staying off school because you were worried about the walk this weekend, but I kept telling them that you honestly had a bug, and you were feeling much better now. They all annoy me so much sometimes."

I'm a horrible lier.
And the walk isn't very high on my worry list.

Why were they talking about me anyway?

My friends think I'm an idiot.

I was half ready to go in tomorrow as well. Even if I'm not ready I still have to. I'm not going to Pulse though. I can't be bothered. Plus I go there and don't really talk to anyone that much so the whole thing is pretty depressing.

The whole teacher strike thing has kind of worked out for me. John's got an important hospital appointment on Thursday morning. It's a scary one, because they might be taking him off the eppilim. I have to prepare myself for careful not showing emotions because if me and mum get worried he'll get worried.

Anyway, I have to prepare myself to be ok tomorrow. Because I have to make sure I don't 'look all worried'.

I really hope I don't get mum's stomach bug for this weekend.
I feel sick at the moment. But that's 'cause I'm annoyed. Well, I'd kind of like to say annoyed, but I'm more doing the whole "you hurt my feeeeeellinggs" thing.
I will not make any comments about this tomorrow, because I'm making it way bigger than it is. Like I always do. I might give up going to school and try and teach myself at home. I doubt I'd be that much worse at it than my teachers.

Ok.
Stopping this...
It's not helping.

Stopping...

Now.

Why do they even care that I'm not there? It's not like it makes any stupid difference.

NOW.

Thank you Kath, she loves him very much.

Not sure what Hugh thought though...

x

It was my mum's birthday yesterday. She was ill she's had a stomach bug thingy since the weekend that won't go away. And I felt bad because I didn't have anything to give her first thing in the morning because John's been ill and she's had loads of work.. we didn'tget to go anywhere when we meant to because everyone was ill . But it was ok, we got something in the morning that she really likes, a lantern thing, she's wanted one for ages. Then Kath came round with the most amazing present in the universe as far as my mum is concerned. It's this big pencil drawing of David Tennant. I might not have mentioned this before, but my mum is OBSESSED with David Tennant. I'll take a photo of the picture later so I can show you. It's really good.

Yes, so.. why am I not at school? I don't know really. If I'm honest, I'm not ill. And it's not my mum's birthday anymore so I don't have that excuse for not being there either. I just sort of.. saying that I freaked out and got a day off sounds stupid. And suprising, because it never happens. Apart from now.
So yeah

I'm ill

'Ill' and going, because I have a loooaaad of revision to do, because my school timed everything badly, so I actually have to teach myself a part of my science course .

(I'm actually serious. Even if I was at school I wouldn't be learning it).

Byee x

Hey. I'm having a bit of difficulty writing at the moment. I'm not completely sure why, just everytime I try and start I end up getting frustrated. It's like I can only write when something's bothering me, and I don't want it to be like that, because then I sound like I'm miserable and boring all the time. Which, I'm not. I'm really not... well, I kind of have been lately but I'm going to try really really hard not to be anymore. The stupid thing is, most of the time I don't even know why I'm sad... which makes it all the more frustrating. Like, sometimes a get a couple of hours where I set things in my mind and decide what I'm going to change and feel more optomistic and everything... but then when it comes to following it through...
I end up back to this. I'm trying really hard to keep what was said to me at Spring Harvest clear in my mind. I'm clinging to it because it's a nice memory and something that I might be able to repeat, sometime... hopefully in the fairly near future. I remember that's what I liked about Detling, although I didn't get nearly as into.. what it's about.. when I was there.
But, as much as I'm complaining.. .. I do feel different since I got back from Spring Harvest. Not different that it's taken everything away.. but different as in.. like.. before we went away I was getting to the stage where I was just sad all the time, half the time for absolutely no reason.. and it was frustrating. Normally when the sun comes out and it looks like it's getting towards summer everything starts to seem better in my mind.. but we had like a week of blazing sun and it wasn't happening. It's weird being sad when it's hot and sunny, it doesn't fit. It's frustrating... and there's only so many times I can try and explain the warped reasoning of my mind before people simply get bored. I feel physically better aswell. Before we went away I was actually feeling ill constantly. I had a headache all the time for about 2 weeks.. felt sick every evening... and I wasn't sleeping. The not sleeping thing? Seriously unlike me.
It's like... before we went away.. someone and thrown this massive black, heavy duvet over my head, and held it there... but like.. occaisionally pulling it off my face so I could have some air.. but being pushed back on and just.. staying there most of the time. Now.. now it's like.. it's still there, but not as strongly as before, it's like I am begining to push my way out of it now, rather than sitting there and letting someone smother me with it.
I know the reason for the change. It's a bit un-nerving.. but suprisingly welcome. I really, really hope it lasts.

Any suggestions on how I could have made this just a little bit more cheesy?

xxx

It's kind of incredible the things that you miss when you're not around. There's this guy I used to chat to online a lot, called Josh. I just had a proper conversation with him for the first time since.. like.. i don't know, probably early last year.. and.. everything seems to have gone really wrong for him. Like.. the last time that we spoke he was just.. well, he was Josh. He was always someone I kind of looked up to because of the whole way he was, like, he was really sure of himself, and happy with the way he was. Not in the over-sized ego way, just in the subtle Josh way. He always made sense when I was going off on some stupid rant..
But now.. he's completely full of this self loathing that I never thought I'd see in him.. he says he keeps getting so pissed at himself he feels like he's going to hurt someone, he doesn't want to but he knows that it's going to happen and he's not going to be able to do anything about it. That's just so.. not Josh. But then given the circumstances that he's living in at the moment it's not all that surpising. His family situation has got pretty bad and it sounds like he's having to watch 2 grandparents die at the same time... . Even when it's just online.. it's so weird when someone who always made so much sense is suddenly so muddled. I'm definitely going to start putting my MSN back on.

So, Spring Harvest. I enjoyed myself, like I actually didn't want to go. I wanted to stay and absorb as much as I possibly could of the people that I met there. They were all.. amazing. Like, really. There was something different about them, I don't know what exactly but it was one of those things that is definitely there. I was kind of sticking to my steriotype that I have in my head and all the bad experiences that I've had with christians so.. yeah, shocked. They were all really funny, just listening to them at breakfast every morning made me feel better. The whole thing was.. just different I guess. It's like you're living in this bubble where everything else from the outside is numbed just a little bit, and everyone has this thing in common, so you're all there for a purpose, rather than just pointlessly walking around. And everyone there was nice, like, nearly everyone made the effort to come and talk to me, when normally people don't bother. I'm not going on a feeling sorry for myself rant but normally I pick my corner and sit in it and let mum and John do all the attention thing and everyone ignores me but there... people came and talked to me. On one of the evenings we went to the pub with the group that mum was involved in and I was sitting at the end, not really part of any conversation.. but like, listening. And this guy there, Tim (He was a nano scientist.. I don't know why but I thought that was really funny) actually got up and moved to sit opposite me and was talking to me for the rest of the evening. People don't do that with me, they see the awkward idiot sign on my head and steer clear... so yeah. There were a few examples of that happening and everything there just really... worked.

Sometimes getting back to everything is just a little bit too real. John has just thrown up, which scares me even though throwing up doesn't trigger it.. ok. I'm stopping now and distracting myself. I will not think about this too much.

Hi. Not sure how long it’s been this time, sorry I haven’t been completely here again, but there hasn’t really been anything to write about. My head has just been all stupid and stuff… and when I tried to write a post yesterday it went wrong and my computer was annoying… and I hit my desk hard and hurt my hand (sadly the desk is fine). Who says blogging isn’t hazardous K.
We’re on our delayed easter holidays now, and so far not that much has happened lol, but I did take Elizabeth’s advice on something. She told me that when I’m off school I should make more effort to organise to go out with friends because being at home stuck in my own head isn’t good for me… I hate organising stuff, whenever I do it always goes wrong and I worry about not having anything to say etc. I did it, I organised it badly but in the end it was ok J. I went to see The Spiderwick Chronicles with Kailee and Beanie. There was a teeny bit of difficulty finding things to talk about but as soon as we started laughing everything was ok. I’m going to try and organise things more often, because Elizabeth is seriously right, not doing anything is bad for me J). I’m going to try to take the other advice that she gave me too. We’re going to this camp for a few days because mum has a job there… nervous, really nervous. But when we get back I’m going to put a babysitting card up in the shop. Elizabeth said that having a job would be good for me because of my limited funds and because actually doing something rather than sitting around thinking about it would be good for me. Babysitting is the being a wimp option, the restaurant linked to one of the pubs here is looking for Saturday waitresses and they don’t mind if you’re under 16…. But I’m too scared to go for that one… lol. I’d probably end up throwing salad over them. I’ll stick to the babysitting thing for now because people know who I am because of my mum so they (hopefully) won’t worry about calling me. Also when we get back I’m going to help John make up his car washing business J). He’s gone round the people in our road a few times and got them to pay him for washing their cars, so I thought he could expand (lol) so we’re going to make some posters for him and stick them through people’s doors.
Right, gtg.
x