Angst? Me? Never.

You might remember me saying I was worried about making my GCSE choices, because I thought I might end up being crap at all of them, and that would (obviously) be bad.
I am worse than crap at all of them.
All of them. This is depressing. And my mum has been trying to contact school for like a month and no one's ever called her back... .
Somehow manged to break my wrist in my sleep. Well, not break. But it really really really huts and crunches and clicks everyone time I move it. Icky.
Mum saw Liz, Caroline's mum earlier.. Caroline went to school today. She's so brave. Liz's is in bits.. but you would be I guess. Still wish there was something I could do beyond buying a nice card.

Lastly, as I'm off the watch Poppy Shakespeare..
We studied this video for a bit in Media, and I like the song. Plus the video is kewl.
If you can work out what the guy says at the end, I'll love you forever

Radiohead - Just

Long, mood-swinging day. Gone from going mad to an Orson cd in my room this morning (I really can't dance)... . To now. Sad.

I used to hang out with this girl, Caroline when I was in primary school... I carried on seeing her for a while once I went to my school now but I dunno.. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people, because I worry about being awkward and stuff.. I saw her once for a while last year.. but I couldn't really keep conversation going much.. there's only so much you can say about the O.C you know?
Her dad died this morning. I'm really sad for her.. I can't even imagine how she must be feeling. She was always a complete Daddy's Girl.. I think it was partly because he worked away a lot so she appreciated the time she had with him more. They don't know what he died of. He's been ill for a few weeks.. to start off with they thought he had legionnaires disease.. then he was getting kinda better... then all his organs started giving up.
I feel pathetic that the only thing I can do is go and try to buy them a card. I don't know what they'll do now, because her mum doesn't have a job or anything. I hope they don't have to move away. That would be really sad.. surely there'd be something there to keep them going. I hope there is.

Stupid things in my brain. I had my last session with Elizabeth on Friday. I kind of wish that it wasn't the last one, but they have barely any funding for people, and they could only afford 4 sessions for me. She gave me a load of leaflets of places I could go when I need a break from the stuff but John... but they were mostly linked with young carers places. I'm not a young carer.. so I'm not going to find out about it. Because people that go to those things really need a break.. they would think I was pathetic. That is if I ever spoke to anyone long enough for them to find out I'd been sent to the wrong place anyway. The chances of that would be small. I think I might try and do the other thing though. Sometimes for me weekends can be very long when I'm at home, so she said I should go and get a job or something. As it would (might) help my confidence because then I can say I did something even though I was scared too.. I might (won't) make more friends.. and it'll help my limited funds. I think I might go to the garden centre up the road and ask there. They have a pet shop. That doesn't sound too scary. Plus, if that pet shop says no they have another branch in town.
What do I even say? "Hi. You don't know me, can I have a job please?"

I've been avoiding writing this. I know why. It's because I think I'll sound stupid. I got really worried about something that wasn't even happening. You'll see what I mean in a minute.
I want to say first that everything is ok, everything was checked out and is fine. I just want to make that clear so I don't give the wrong idea in my attempted explanation.
Last week, my mum found a lump in her breast. She didn't tell me to start off with. In fact everyone apart from me knew. She didn't feel she could tell me because of all the stupid stuff going on with me. She wasn't going to tell me at all, but the appointment meant that she wasn't able to pick me up from school, so she couldn't keep it from me. She normally tells me everything, and this was something really important, something that was scaring her and she didn't feel like she could talk to me about it because of my stupid mind and it's stupid reactions to things. I hate myself so much for that. She was all on her own, because she wasn't talking to anyone about it, because she didn't want them to have to worry. She wasn't going to tell everyone, but she had to do a survey thingy to find out if there was any breast cancer in the family. There isn't, but that doesn't exactly stop you from worrying. Then I feel bad for getting so upset about the stupid fact that she didn't tell me, because.. I'm being stupid. And I know I am. But I didn't tell her I was upset about it or anything, don't worry. I have a stupid brain but I'm not that selfish.
Anyway, she went to the hospital on Thursday and they did all the tests on it and squished her and stuff, and it turned out just to be a cist or something. They then did the very icky and painful job of sticking a needle in it and getting everything out. Lol, the 'TMI's in people's heads right now are kind of screaming at me. I'm really really really really happy that everything's ok. And it made the 2 week long headache go away, knowing that. It was weird though, because when she told me I wasn't exactly suprised.. 'cause I saw her react weirdly to something on tv but didn't think anything of it at the time (unusual, I know). So yeah.. It was hard when she told me though, to not visably freak out. It takes a lot of effort.
Hugh was a nightmare the whole weekend, even though he knew what was going on, he didn't even ask how he was.
He forgot about the appointment.
I'm going to stop there because otherwise I think I will flip at him when I have to go downstairs and see his stupid face.

Sorry it took me so long to explain
x

Everything's ok. I'll explain what happened later.
Tc

x

Hey

It's been a few days, I think. I'm the same as normal but with a bit more stressy-ness. Tomorow is d-day or whatever you call it. Once everything's proved to be ok I'll explain on here. Well, I think I will. Kind of depends. Well, it obviously depends. Hmm.

Tomorow is going to be awful. I have to be around people when I will probably be in complete freaking out mode. I also have spanish, there are 8 people in my class and our new teacher... he doesn't understand yet that I'm crap and he should leave me alone so I can save myself the embarassment. Plus one of the girls in the class hates me. And that's not me being paranoid, everything I say she like.. well she goes in for bitchy comments said in the exact right way type thing.
I hate school. It's making me feel like crap. First degree crap. Because apart from maybe 4 people everyone there thinks I'm crap.
So, media. This girl, Anna, has nobody to talk to. Suddenly I'm her best friend and she wants to know everything about me. Outside of media, she walks past.. makes a point of saying hi to Rose but doesn't even acknowledge me when I say hi. Then this other (scary) girl that sometimes walks back with Rose and me is the same, she blanks me and talks to Rose, again with her I try smiling and saying hi and stuff but she tends to ignore me. I know why. Makes me feel very crap. I just have to console myself with the fact that she wears way to much makeup and has crappy hair extensions. And no personality.
It's kind of complicated. Well, it's not but kind of is. I mean.. I like the fact that I'm not someone who's ever the centre of attention.. but at the same time.. I kind of wish people bothered sometimes. It's not like I don't make an effort to be friendly.
We had a debate on "What is britishness?" last week in english.
There was a lot I wanted to say.
Obviously I didn't, because I don't.
But I think it's still good to have an opinion
x

Been sitting on the stairs listening to mum and Hugh argue. Well, not argue exactly. Hugh said a lot though, which is kind of unusual. I have no respect for privacy, and as my mum now seems to be editing I know I have to do it because I hate not knowing what's going on.
I hate being tall. It has many many disadvantages one being stair listening. Because my mum talks quietly I have to be as near to the kitchen as possible so I have to sit on one stair and have my feet on the next one. My knees practically poke me in the eye. Plus I sort of slide forwards, so I could see a flying down the stairs headfirst scenario coming.. In the end my knees started hurting so I put them down to where they were comfy and was spotted. Well, I think I was. Hugh said something about it, and then something about him having done it and something about crappy way to grow up. Then my mum said he could talk about it if he wanted to he just made the man version of nyeahhh noise and changed the subject. But now he's being nice to me despite the fact I've been a bitch all day so I think they know. Plus my mum gave me an evil and she hasn't come up to talk to me even though Hugh's gone out to get chips. Though that means she might be crying. Oh nooo. I hate it when my mum crys. I never know what to do, I tried to give her a hug before Hugh came in, but she sorted of shoved me away so I don't know. She hasn't done that before. I wish there was another smiley. Somewhere inbetween :: and . Because :: isn't always sad, sometimes it's a bit of .
just pretend you know what I mean even if you don't, please.
You know, even if he did just go away to somewhere else in the world he wouldn't be happy, because he'd know he has to come home. I really hate most expressions but I can't think of any other way to explain it... It's always all 'the grass is always greener on the otherside' with him.
*wince*
The song being
SO HERE'S YOUR HOLIDAYYYYYYYYY
HOPE YOU ENJOY IT THIS TIME, YOU GAVE IT ALL AWAYYYY
IT WAS MINE
SO WHEN YOU'RE DEAD AND GONEEEEEE
WILL YOU REMEMBER THIS NIGHTT
20 YEARS NOW LOST?
IT'S NOT RIGHTT

Is kinda accurate really. Especially last year when I first heard it.
Blink 182 saved my sanity(ish) last year. Well, not sanity. Something else. They were the song that makes you come out of the shower after crying and covering it up thing. Or the song that finally makes you stop runnning your bath.

Getting up the courage whatsit to go and make sure my mum isn't cross with me. Or I might just go straight in with John to watch Ant & Dec. But then my mum might be upset. Ohhh. Some of the stuff Hugh said has made me feel bad, even though I decided I wasn't going to care about anything he thought. Damn him. He will never know though.
But I might be nice for tonight seeing as he's buying us chips.
Why do I feel bad now?
You don't feel bad about people that you hate. You're supposed to be happy when they're miserable.
At least that's what I gather anyway..

This post is being stupid and I can't fix it. So you won't know what I mean smiley-wise. I've tried to edit it about a thousand times but I think I really need to go downstairs and make sure everything is ok before Hugh gets back.

ttfn
x

Hey.
'Cause of today being good Friday I kind of went to church. Mum was doing a reading thing so I wanted to go a see, plus I had to make sure she didn't pass out from nerves or something (lol). All the older people are friendly but everyone under 16 hates me. What can I do? Why they would get annoyed that their friend kissed me then I did everything in my power never to see him again.. can't think why that would annoy them. Anyway, it was his fault. I wasn't expecting it. (Mainly because he'd run away everytime I'd tried to start a conversation that day..)
Still feel weird. The thing is that it's unlikely.. according to my mum.. that I have anything to be freaking about, but I can't help it. I'm trying to train myself not to think about it, we definitely won't know until Thursday and we might not know then so.. I have to carry on being sane for now. Then when everything's proved to be ok.. which it will be.. I'll explain myself and you'll think I'm an idiot for freaking out. There's so much to look forward too.
Feel ill. Combination of things. Lots of things. Mainly one thing, but the other things don't help.. . I think it's because of the effort of not visably panicking yesterday. Then Hugh pissing me off. And the thing that's part of the other thing.
Has someone that normally tells you everything not told you something because of the way you are? Felt they couldn't tell you something?
Everyone else knew. She was worried about me dealing with it.. when she should have been worried about her and .
YES
I want to explain
I really do
But even if I do it just looks like I'm being stupid. But I'm scared and guilty and horrible and I did something yesterday I said I wouldn't do again. Been fighting doing it for about a week. Decided I couldn't be bothered not to. I've worked out pain over-rides freaking out. Which isn't neccisarily a good thing but at the time it kind of helps.
Plus it stopped me from crying. I have to do the whole I'm Ok Don't Worry thing for a few more days. Then I can tell someone and I'll feel better. Well.. I can't tell people on here. I want to talk to my friends about it but I don't know if I can.
I'm still annoyed with Hugh. Except I decided to be visably annoyed. I'm not speaking to him as much as possible. It's hard work, because a lot of what he says annoys me and keeping my mouth shut is an effort. Plus I don't generally go in for blanking people so it doesn't come particularly natrually. Mostly because Robyn moved away and took all the falling out with people crap with her. Which was nice.
Must improve my bitchiness skills.
You know I should technically go to bed now. Mu doctor told me when I get upset and start feeling the kind of crubbish I feel now I should go to sleep. Except I doubt I'm going to. To freaked. And just developed another weird pain. You have no idea how many random bits of my insides start hurting when I get upset. It's weird. Plus it makes normal stuff like breathing kind of hurt.
Which just helps so much
*resisting the urge to say "NOT"*

Who just watched Dirty Sexy Money? I liked. I think.

Oooo and thankyou lots and lots and lots for commenting my post yesterday, it's just.. there's no one I can freak out to here at the moment and knowing that my completely impossible to understand freaking was heard was.. nice. Really nice. Made me feel.. nice.
Shh. I'm tired. Nice as in non-lonely. I don't know why I get lonely, seeing as I live in a house with 2 noisey people. I have a talent for these things. That's the other thing about church, it reminds me of how much of a nothing I am. I know that's not supposed to happen, it's just everyone there knows mum and John. It shows me how things always are which is something that I can usually ignore. My mum is.. well, she's incredible for a start, she gives off an aura of that or something because wherever she is there's alwaus some hopeless bloke who lurves her (I'm very good at getting these blokes to get away, we've come to the conclusion I accidently made someone quit their job). My mum acts, writes.. talks to people well. She clames to be shy but she isn't, people keep her talking for ages, she has stuff to talk about with people, always has something in common, people want to know her. Then there's John. John's John, which is enough. If you met my brother than you would totally understand what I mean. He's not always the most talkative person, but that's ok, people understand things aren't always easy with John. John likes to act aswell though, so it's obviouis who's son he is. Sounds as though he's going to do a play with my mum later this year, which will give them both something to talk to people about. People are interested in John aswell. He has no self awareness, which i think intrigues people. John can do what he wants, self conciousness is never an issue.
Then there's me. I do nothing. When people that speak to my mum and my brother I can barely make eye contact. When I do make eye contact it freaks me out so much I have to then spend the next half an hour studying my shoes until the person goes away. I always like to think that I'll meet someone that will completely lift off my awkwardness and let me be me. Thing is though, I'm gradually finding out.. under the awkwardness... there's just more awkwardness. Me Rose and Beanie were talking about it, I told them as soon as I leave school I'm going to become a hermit. They laughed, then Beanie told me she would drag me out of the house. She wouldn't have too. One eggy stare would do it. Hmm.. I've just had to sit here for a while and remember what I was talking about.. .
Lastly.. I just want to say that that isn't me feeling sorry for myself. The fact is I spend a lot of time in my own head (as Elizabeth puts it, I'm a 'deep thinker') I can't help that, I'm bad at talking to a lot of people, so I end up going off into my own universe when everyone else is talking.. and this is where I realise all this stuff about myself. It's not a self esteem issue.. it's me being practical. It's the honest truth. I'm awkward. I don't do anything.. And I wish people would understand that and make more of an effort to talk to me.. but at the same time as that, I know that if they did.. I'd be screaming at them in my mind to go away.

And I solve this how?

I should print this out and show it to Elizabeth next week.

I think she'd quit.

Something scary has happened.
Well, we don't know if it's scary yet, but I'm still scared.
At the moment I can't really talk about it but... sorry for any weirdness from me. I'm really worried. And I feel guilty. I seriously hate myself right now.
Every thing's going to be okay though.
It has to be.

Today has been horrible.
More than horrible. And my head tried to tell me that today was going to be bad when I woke up. It told me not to get up. To be fair it does do that every day but today it was right.
The youth club work we do for DofE? Tonight it was a frikkin nightmare. It was so bad. Everyone went insane and no one helped me and Rose try and get them under control. The till wouldn't shut and about 10 kids were trying to get under and over the bar to get to the toast, so we couldn't keep an eye on the till properly, which was worrying me. Then Idiot Kid No.1 fell off the bar and said I pushed him and went to tell Woman In Charge (unhelpful bitch). I did not push him. I didn't even touch him. Then Ollie came up to me with Rose's sunglasses on. He was all having a joke so I said he looked like le idiot or something and then he decided to go and tell Woman In Charge like I'd said it meanly or something. I don't even remember exactly what I said. So I was worrying about that while they were all trying to climb over the counter still, then we were trying to keep tabs on who we owed food then the bread ran out...
It was horrible. Then Idiot Kid no.2 (friend to Idiot Kid no.1) was still trying to get me told off by telling Woman In Charge I was horrible to him all the time.
I hate Idiot Kid no.2. Idiot Kid no.1 isn't so bad. He didn't tell her I pushed him 'cause he knows I didn't. Plus he takes jokes. No.2 only didn't take the joke 'cause I was stressing at his idiot friends.
I am ever so tempted never to go back.
Woman In Charge didn't even say thanks, or well done or anything.
She was the only person there tonight who actually gets paid for being there and she does NOTHING. She just sits on her ass all night then yells at us for not having time to do everything inbetween controlling the kids SHE should be controlling.
And I found out about a scary media thing I have to do soon which is scaring me.
And I didn't go back for the writing course. I'm really really reallyyy sorry. I wanted to badly but I didn't. I could get a back up place though, so if someone drops out I can go.. all I have to do is write a short story and get picked.

Don't want to dissapointment.
Though it's as bad as regretting it really.

Arghh I hate feeling sick and head-achey so much.

Verge of . I don't even know why.

Pesky hormones.

I wish I was brave. I don't mean like, jump off a brige for whatever reason kind of brave.. though I'm not that kind of brave either..
Anyway, today in english we got told about a writing course we could go on if we wanted to. I want to do it.. I kind of really want to do it. I like to write. I like to make things up, I make up such massive things out of something little that I saw. I notice stuff. So I guess fairytales and writing and all that would always be my kind of thing. I wanted badly after the lesson to go and ask for the letter to get onto the course.
But I didn't.
& I regret it. But I have to be sensible. Think about it, there would be no one on it that I know, so I would spend the whole week worrying about being awkward more than thinking about writing. Also, however many stupid ideas I have nothing ever comes of them, because I'm a crap writer. And I get frustrated easily. And everyone would have been better than me.
Plus it would have freaked my mum out.

Would have been kewl though. I really want to be a good writer. I like writing this, but I think that's mostly because it doesn't neccesarily have to make sense. If I went on the course then what I write wouldn't really be mine. Plus I tend to write things that are kind of personal then get embarassed for anyone I then have to see again to read them.

Like with the poem I did in english.
Which was crap anyway.

I want to be someone that would have just gone and got the letter, gone on the course, done well and come off the course better for having done the course.

Yeah.

This is a really dumb thing to be about.

Can't help it though.

I wish people wouldn't change. It takes me enough time to get to understand them as they are and then they suddenly go all weird. Well, gradually go all weird, it just took me a while to notice the change was complete.
Subject?
Beanie.
It's getting to Kailee a lot. She hasn't said that but you can tell. Beanie's stopped bothering. Kailee ends up left behind a lot. Kailee is actually way nicer than Beanie so I don't know how this has happened.
I'm going to try and explain this.
Before you get to know Beanie, you can't really help automatically assuming that she is a moody, scary person. She just has 'pissed off' as her fixed expression. Most of the time (before) she didn't used to be pissed off, it was just how her face went. (I mean this in the nicest way possible). Then.. well, I'm not sure exactly what changed.. but people started to tell her she was always stressy and I think.. I think somewhere along the line she started to believe it. She started having a go at us over stupid things.. I don't know why but before we all used to sit and take the mick out of each other for a laugh.. suddenly she started getting annoyed when we did that, suddenly everything we found funny was stupid.. I don't know. It's just gone on like that.
But then, sometimes, when she's away from everything she's really nice, like, it's the person I guess I must have made friends with in the beginning. Because the way Beanie is now.. I would have been way too scared to talk to her, let alone make friends with her. (Again, I really do mean this in the nicest way possible.)
And now.. it's every five seconds. When it's just me and her she's fine with me, we can talk about anything and laugh at anything.. then the second someone else (usually male) comes along nothing's funny anymore, what I talk about is stupid and all I get off her is funny looks.

It's annoying.
I'm not the only one it's annoying.
And most of all I don't understand why. She's really popular now but she isn't nice. She really isn't. At the moment she's an attention seeking drama queen. And I don't mean that nicely.

Guys seem to like it as well. The annoying attention Beanie.

I have tried a lot of times to talk to her about why she gets stressed but it usually ends with her getting annoyed with me. I really don't know what to say to her anymore. Being around her makes me nervous.
But at the same time I still want her around because when she stops all this ASDQ stuff she's still really funny and someone I can really talk to.

But then is there any point in having someone like that who clearly thinks talking to me in front of other people is something terrible that should be avoided at all costs.

WE CAME BACK

We survived the moor and the mud

Barely.

Ime started the walk by getting stuck on a stile.
Then we got lost.
Then we got told we couldn't read a map by some random idiot.
Then we got lost.
Then we got chased by sheep. (Honestly)
Then we got lost.
Then Beanie got stuck in the mud, lost her whole foot and I had to swing the gate around to pick her up, then we had to do clinging onto the gate and climbing round until we found grass again.
Then we got lost.
Then Rose made a tree fall on her head.
Then we got lost.
Then we gave up and sat in a field for a while.
Then we couldn't work out how to get out of the field.
After about half an hour in the field we escaped and found a farmer who gave us directions. It involved going through a different farm, when he told us this he said "They own about a million vicious dogs, so pick up a stick or something before you go in.."

It's a miracle we survived really.

Then we got lost again.
You know, trying to stop a car to ask for directions isn't as easy as you might think. The first guy that came along we made Rose try and stop. She was waving at him weirdly for ages but he didn't get it, he thought she was flirting with him so waved at us then drove off.

The second guy was helpful and HOT which was nice.
Then we got lost.
Then a truck came. The Passenger Seat trucker was laughing in a way none of us liked when he stopped. They both looked really pleased with themselves.
They also both looked really dissapointed when they realised all we wanted was to ask for directions.
By this time we were running 2 hours late.
We tried to call someone to tell them we weren't dead.
No one picked up the phone

Also got scared of an invisible bull.

Made it back.
Eventually.

Ime said we were really in the spirit of DofE.

Next time I think we're camping.

Do I really need to say anything else?

...maybe not.

Mum didn't think much of my decision. I think it's mostly because she came in in what I would call an inopertune moment. Right after I'd calmed down. You know when you've just stopped then someone comes in and demands to know what's going on and it starts you off again?

I had that.

(I don't even know why I cried. I just haven't for a while.. and you know when you haven't for ages and then when you do you really do)

I really think if I had had a while to cool down then I could have explained my reasoning to her in the calm fashion I am so renowned for.

I still feel bad. As long as I'm going it means someone else can't.
My mum said I'm a loon so I need to go.
Those weren't her exact words.

I have my next DofE walk on Sunday.
No one in our group can read a map.

I will leave it at that.

Yep. I just made one. With the help of a teddy

(shutup)

Been watching Sport Relief and it's been making me feel bad, not like normal bad like they make you feel inbetween the funny stuff but like bad bad. And I didn't know why.
'Cept now I do.

Today, Elizabeth said when they got the funding she thinks I should keep seeing her. I didn't think about it too much but I was like about the idea.

But

Funding.

I don't need it. I don't. So I'll do the last one on the course of the ones I'm on, say ciao (shh) and be done with it. Still feel bad but I'm doing something about it .

Anyway, now I've sane-ified myself I'm going to take off the remains of my makeup and go back downstairs.

Byee x

Some people on the internet are truly mad. I made the mistake of putting on my MSN and AOL this evening. Some person that 'knows' us all has tried to freak out Mel by randomly adding her and saying a load of scary stuff. Then freaking her out more by saying they need to talk to me and a few other people. Must be careful about who adds me, that's one weird conversation I could really do without.

I think I've irritated Beckie by being sensible.

I really wish I hasn't come on now. Despite the fact I know it's rubbish some of the things that the person said to her were really creepy

I know, coming from me of all people this sounds rediculous.. but some people really need to get a life. To know all that stuff they'd have to be someone that Mel chats to, which would mean that they would have to make a whole new MSN account just to go on once and freak her out.

Ahh well. I'll watch Ashes To Ashes and the clown will freak me out more, that ought to balance everything out

3rd appointment with Elizabeth tomorrow.

Hmmmmm...

I don't really know exactly what to write. I'm supposed to be writing about how I feel, because apparently identifying stuff helps to change one thing, and if I find the right thing to chnage then everything else goes with it. Apparently. Well, I failed a science test today. And I actually have, I answered about 3 questions by myself and then me and Beanie managed to get the rest of them off the other people around us. Sort of. Well, Beanie did because once she was reminded she understood, the past 2 months worth of Mondays and Tuesday science has basically been me sitting there being confused and being laughed at by some random guy that never spoke to me till now about how stupid I am. But then sitting near him now I kind of realise he's got to make himself feel better somehow. This morning was weird. Beanie kept telling me I'm worrying which I thought was weird, because of.. I dunno. Lots of things that I say apparently. They're normal to me but not to her so I have to remember to keep an eye on that. I'm all paranoid again Sometimes I wish she would be less honest and just let me go on about nothing, she did this last week aswell.
Mum's still sad It's because of Hugh, like normal. It's all the same stuff again, but now he's making a point of not phoning. It's really noticible because he normally phones to the point of it being irritating but he only phoned once yesterday and he hasn't at all today. So that means when mum does eventually call him they'll upset eachother. I kind of thing it's better him not phoning because he says something that'll get under her skin every time they do talk. It's all a bit pointless really.
I really have to stop making her worry. I'm really not doing it on purpose. I can't help it I'm just.. really really strange in the last few days... I can't help it, and I know I'm being like it but if I try and stop.. everything comes out really forced and weird. And I just.. sometimes being honest and not talking is better than pretending everything's ok when it isn't, because pretending (badly) draws more attention to the fact that something's wrong. And it can be really irritating. It is when Hugh does it anyway. Plus, I don't know why I'm all weird I just figure it'll do it's thing and soonish I'll wake up and be normal again . And eat normal. I really have to eat normal. I just.. lol, I'm actually still eating a lot. It's just funnyish. Like.. eating crap I like because it's nice and makes you feel all yummm for a minute. Then I feel sick. And then with meals I eat all of it then feel sick. So like.. I like feeling hungry because that isn't feeling sick.. if you see what I mean.
I don't to be honest. It hasn't been like this long or anything, and I'll be fine in a few days, just my mum is really paranoid and talks about it lots which makes me think about it more... which is why I'm writing about it now..

My itunes has offended me

Listening to a song I randomly heard by Diana Anaid.. I'd never heard of her before this song.. it's called Last Thing.. But yeah, I like it. And in it's suggestions of other things I might like it says MIKA.
Words cannot describe how much I hate MIKA.
I can't believe Beth Ditto sang with him.
I was angry .
MIKA.. ew. Annoying. Have you seen his face?
I think he deliberately uses it to irrtate people

x

I'm not really the only one that just watched The Full Monty?

x

Hmm.

Men are weird. Or maybe it's just Hugh's friends.
And my dad's friends.
Mum said she thinks it's just the ones that she meets.
Hugh's friend is from Australia and he's going to be here for a while, when his girlfriend 'back home' told him that she'd miss him he said,
"Why? You know where I am".

Is that normal?
Maybe it is and I'm just missing something.

Although if someone told me they would miss me I would probably say
"nyeah shutup".

I'd say something about missing them later though.

Also, I've accidently worried my mum loads again. I couldn't eat last night. She says I never eat properly, which isn't true. I just got upset yesterday.. and like normal it caught up with me in the evening.
It's weird though, she keeps telling me I've lost weight and I actually have.
You would not believe the amount of crap I eat when I'm not at home.. that's why it's so suprising.
Ahh well, no complaints from me, at least all this stuff has one advantage

I woke John up.

x

Omg this site now tells me when my spelling is wrong.
Why? Really?

Anywayy, my "homework" is to write down stuff and I'm pissed off.. so here I am .
Mum and Hugh have fallen out again. I'm annoyed with myself for being nice to him last night now, I thought everything was ok. It's just the same old stuff, they want different things.. but they won't break up. It's all as pointless as it ever was.
Except today it's more annoying.
When mum woke up this morning she was in a really nice mood, like ina Yay It's My Mum Mood and she hasn't been like that for ages.. like willing to let me talk my crubbish to her etc.. but then Hugh phones and everything's all wrong again.
I want to yell at him for taking her away from me again. And we have to go out for a meal tonight with him and his friend which will be really awkward 'cause mum won't want to be there, Hugh'll either barely speak or do his really really extremely annoying fake happy thing and Tony will.. well, be Tony which is annoying. I liked him when I was younger.. but that's 'cause when you're young people make an effort, as you get older they start being themselves... and most of the time "themselves".. isn't nice.
It's like the whole golfer thing.
"HIHOHIHOHAHAHABLABAHHOOOHAH"
That's how they say hi.
How long it goes on for gauges how bad the time you're there for will be.
Anyway O_o.
Sorry.
I can already tell I'm really going to irritate my dad today.

Off to have so much fun now.

x

Hey.

Yeah, I have nothing to say really. I just thought I'd say it loudly rather than keep with the last few days silence.
I haven't done much. I can't really be bothered to do anything.

So, I've had 2 sessions with Elizbath (counsellor.. but I don't like calling her that, it's weird) and I guess it's going to well. She's nice and she doesn't wear sandals , so I didn't have to scream and run away on being introduced to her, which is always good. She's nice and everything, it's just sometimes she says like.. makes assumptions and stuff. And it annoys me because she's right. Don't ask, really. I'm tired of explaining.

Maths exam.
It was a maths exam, they go like they go. The people keeping an eye on you are scary though. And then there's the walking out afterwards.
Everyone stares and I'm only a row back from the front so when I leave there's loads of people staring at me.

Thankfully I didn't fall over.

I should probably go and let people on AOL know I'm still around.
Hmm.
You know, I can't be bothered. They depress me.

And I'm going to be annoying and not explain that eithr .

Crapp postage.

Sorry

It won't even shock you that I'm going to watch Eastenders now, will it?

x