Angst? Me? Never.

Self confidence

*BOSH*

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xxx

You know when you should just keep quiet? That was one of those times. I feel really bad now. Hopefully she'll forgive me later. And now my AOL is being stupid again, great. I hope internet explorer works because I'm not sitting up here on my own all evening with no company at all. Argh, why do I care so much? Why does it even matter? He's only here a couple of times a week, I'm here all the time. Getting ditched for a couple of days a week isn't such a massive thing and I wish I didn't keep getting so... frustrated about it. Him just being in the house annoys me, I don't want to be anywhere near him. I don't want him here, he ruins everything and makes my mum sad. And I'm mad at him for that and I've just done the same thing.
Maybe I should just go and sit down there and be nice.
But I don't want to. And I know that's selfish and everything but I have Just Been Nice for a really long time and I don't want to anymore. Why should you even pretend to like someone you've got ill through hating so much? I'm sick of feeling like this. It's stupid. I hate getting so angry because then it feels like I have to cross my arms and hug myself to keep myself together. I mean, I'm used to having to sort of hold my insides together occasionally but this is every day. The stupid anger/sadness/frustration just suddenly creeps up on me, and I want to explain it properly to someone but I can't. And then whenever I feel like I actually can the person sounds completely disinterested and so I have to give up before I've even started.
Argh. My mum has been amazing for me recently and I made her feel bad and I didn't mean to. I just can't pretend that I'm ok with how everything is. I can't pretend I'm ok with her being sad wishing that everything had just worked out all the time. She still feels like she's on her own so what's the point in her being with him anyway? I want to scream and him and make him hurt as much as he's hurt us. Me and my mum are really close, but then at the same time he's even wedged his way into that. Whenever I get over frustrated and angry about it suddenly my mum switches and gets annoyed with me. That wouldn't happen if he wasn't there, because there wouldn't be anything to be angry about then. And I don't want to go to my dad's tomorow. I don't want to sit in another house all day feeling unwanted. I don't get what we did wrong. I actually don't. What I did wrong even, Mandy was nice to start with aswell.
Actually, they all are. They push their way in and then when they're here they take over. No one means anything that they say because that would involve a certain commitment and promise to me and John. It would mean seeing beyond exactly what they want and realising that maybe circumstances aren't as perfect as they want them to be. I don't see why we should have to be resented for it.
And then there's this stupid stupid STUPID other stuff in my head. Stupid crappy insignificant idiot thing but still won't go away. I don't know why I'm letting it get to me so much, I've never ended up feeling so miserable about something so stupid before. But then I suppose when you put situations together where one person is the person that can make things feel a bit more ok and help you make sense of what's in your head the fact that it's clearly never going to happen would be slightly dissapointing.
There's nothing serious going on. It's just my mind is such a mess, nothing makes sense and it's just.. stupidnes alll the time and I hate it. And the fact that I know I'm being stupid just makes it worse. But I can't stop being stupid... So what am I supposed to do?

xxx

...Was good . I had a non-pupil day thing so me and mum went to Exeter and even though she was a bit sad to begin with she cheered up once we started shopping. Everything is actually ok with us at the moment, well, mostly anyway. She's been really good for me in the last couple of weeks when I've been all stupid.. I just need to do the same thing again now.. Hugh's making her really unhappy and it's making me really angry.
Anywayyy, today was good and I think it cheered her up a bit so at least she had a bit of a break from it.

Random peice if information no 1, my mum used to work there like 20 years ago...

Random peice of information no 2, the girl up the roads boyfriend owns that...

Aren't I exciting today?

xxx

My favourite video <3
I don't know why. I just like it.

I know you only have time for this if you're sad and having nothing better to do. like me. Butt it cheers me up with it's complete wierdness .

http://www.lg15.com

xxx

I sometimes think that my life is on a big loop. Like this play we saw once, there was these weird scary woman that trapped people in a loop of film.. there was this whole room full of these people on screens going through this same bit of life or action millions of times until someone came to free them... or the building blew up and they all died... I don't remember.
Mum and Hugh have fallen out again. It's Hugh's fault, and I'm not biast.. I've sometimes seen them have fights when I think it was actually my mum's fault but that was ages ago... it used to be much worse than it was now, she always used to see it as As Long As I'm With Hugh Everything's Going To Be Ok. That used to make me more angry.. but I guess I didn't understand it so much because I can only have been 10/11 kinda age. Actually, forget that, I still don't understand it now O_o. Anyway, he started his This Is Pointless thing again last night because he doesn't like the fact that mum's chosen her beliefs over him. Which I guess would be understandable if it wasn't such a small thing. He doesn't stay the night anymore.. so what? Seriously, why does it actually matter? Shouldn't he be respectful of her beliefs and let her do things the way that she wants, she's had to make so many allowances for him and his weird behavior.. but as soon as she does one thing that isn't what he likes there's this massive problem. And it's been like it since the summer so I don't really understand why he doesn't just get used to it and move on. He's always making hints about the fact that he isn't happy about it aswell, they're pathetic and they piss me off "Here I am, There I go", "time to go again" etc.. Shut up you stupid twat.But now.. he's being stupid. Despite always saying that he doesn't want anything to do with us and wouldn't know how to be with us all the time, like with me apparently he Understands But Doesn't Have The Patience. Riight. He ALSO knows that mum wouldn't want to live with a man that she's with but isn't married to, he knows that he doesn't have the patience for John and yet he STILL keeps asking mum to move in with him. It's stupid. And he doesn't mean it because if she did say yes then he'd just try and find some way of getting out of it. And the whole holiday thing... well we obviously can't go and stay with my dad.. and everywhere else is difficult. With my gran there is nothing to do and she lives in the middle of nowhere... and I wouldn't be able to keep John occupied all the time, he'd be bored and therefore as moody as hell. And she won't come down here and anyway she's as much as said she doesn't like spending time with us because with my it's awkward and John isn't able to make proper relationships with people anyway YES THAT PISSED ME OFF RANT FOR ANOTHER TIME. And then I said we could just stay here by ourselves but my mum knows that would mean I wouldn't sleep the whole time she was away... I can't when it's just me and John because I'm scared with the eppilepsi and everything. And Hugh knows all this but he's horrible anyway. He knows all of this stuff and all of the complications and difficulties but it's like he just ignores them. He goes on about what a hard life he has because he's always bending over backwards to do everything that everyone else wants but that isn't true. Ok, maybe at work it is but that's the idea of the job he has. But with us? He NEVER has. He's like John with things that he doesn't wanna do... and when we don't do something that he wants he's horrible.
And then I still don't understand because he'll suddenly turn all nice and tell my mum all this nice stuff and then she'll come and tell me and say how she loves it when he's like this and then I have to worry loads about when this happens. It's not fair. I hate it

She just came in.. she said that she was just talking to him and saying that.. if he decided he didn't want to be around anymore what was she supposed to do about work... she says we might go down to the job centre on Tuesday.

You know, another thing that's annoyed me... yesterday mum said that we could go out for a bit.. because I've decided I'm not going to dad's for a bit and John still is.. so you know.. but now Hugh's said he wants to do something. I know it's reallly really really pathetic to think considering everything.. but I wish she would have said "No, I'm going somewhere with Lydia.. sorry" rather than trying to fit in everything this morning so that Hugh will ring her and say whether he actually wants to go or not at 1.

You know.
Despite everything
I still like romance
Although none of the things you read about are actually real
Because I've also decided
That no one ever means anything that they say.
I have a lot of examples of this.
Please don't ask me for them though
Because I can't be bothered to explain.

xxx

So.. this week has been interesting I guess. My blood test results came back fine, like I knew they would. Mum apparently didn't think they would though, because she was all relieved. That was weird, because I didn't really think that she was worried either. I think she's just happy someone finally listened to her.
I went back to school on Wednesday. It was fairly normal I guess. Except.. I don't know, stupid normal things that I usually deal with fine have suddenly become massive things. Just something that is pretty normal even if a little annoying can happen and then it'll just.. make me feel really ill. It's like.. I'm setting myself tasks and I don't want to see beyond that because it's too much effort. Everything is. Even though I'm dangerously doing it now.. I've been trying really hard not to give myself any time to think. There's so many things about my head that I've never told anyone that now I suddenly want to talk about.. the problem is finding someone to listen. Because of how I am around other people no one really knows like.. actual.. hmm. Nah, I can't explain it. Some of the things that I think I want to explain I don't know if I actually do.. because no one will understand. They'll just think I'm being an idiot. 'Cause I am. Lol.. but still, I wish I could be a happy idiot. Because right now I'm really really not. I have horrible feelings in my insides.. not like.. not like I'm ill or anything. It's like.. like.. there's this big hole in me insides and everything is sort of falling in.. and everythings hard and an effort.. and then other times everything is completely suffocating and frustrating.. And I don't know how to explain any of this on Monday. I'm being sent to the person that's supposedly going to help. I think I should go in and see her on my own but I'm scared... but then if my mum isn't there I'll be able to actually explain everything. But will I? I don't think I will, I'll get too scared to talk to her and shy and everything.. and they'll be all patronising. Argh, this is going to be a nightmare

Or is it?

Yes.

No?

I don't know.

xx

Heyy so. After my last post.. was it my last post? Eh. I don't remember. But basically due to paranoidness and me not helping by getting sick AGAIN on Saturday night I ended up going to the doctors today. It was actually ok.. ish. The woman wasn't as bad as they normally are but I have to have a blood test . I'm scareed. And I should be having it NEXT Tuesday but I don't know if I'm going to school tomorow or not. I suddenly started freaking at the idea of going to school so mum is considering letting me stay off. Anyway, so, blood test, then I have to go and have an eye test which I think is.. a week of Thursday or something. 'Cause I get headahces a lot they want to rule that out along with all the blood stuff.. thennn I'm getting referred to some woman who is supposedly going to give me some techniques for calming myself down. Which sounds like it's going to be awkwardly painful. Crap, along with the fact that mum is calling school tomorow to Let Them Know What's Going On. Apparently seeing as I can't panick without any physical effects anymore it means that everyone has to do something. I don't know what I think about it. To be honest, I feel stupid. I don't want the patronising nurse OR my tutor guy to know about any of it. Because then all these people put on Understanding Faces and act like they know exactly the kind of Teenage Drama that I'm supposedly Going Through. I can't panick without being in major pain or throwing up. Drama drama . I don't know what is wrong with me or when I started finding all this funny by the way. You can say I've lost it if you want because I feel so odd right now I wouldn't put it passed myself xD.

Oh yeah. And someone drove into our car again today/yesterday/Saturday. Mum went nuts and we're gunna have to pay lots of money that we don't really have because putting it on the insurance will make the insurance up again.

So.. yeah.
I feel sick.
Bahaha.

xx

Today in child d the subject of having kids came up. I think it was to do with something that I said - I don't remember but then Jemma said that she never wanted to have kids. I guess that kinda suprised me.. and when I asked her why said it was because she didn't want to Fuck Anyone Else Up. Which I guess is a valid point really, but everyone inherits something from their parents that they don't really want right?
I just... things have been a lot better between me and my mum lately, a lot so. I've sort of.. stopped sitting there and letting her yell at me when she's in one of those moods. I know it sounds harsh and everything but the best way to deal with it is to just stay away. But in the last couple of weeks she's been.. weird and paranoid. Things are pretty sad around here at the moment because 2 people living in our street have cancer.. one of them died 3 days after Christmas and the other guy.. isn't looking so great . And I didn't help things today, I didn't think it'd make her worse, but it has . I found out today that my science teacher also has cancer, and it.. upset me. I never thought the reason that she's been off so much lately could be anything like that. Tbh I feel bad because I haven't actually thought about her at all.
So, back to my mum. She's now paranoid about everyone getting ill. She keeps saying things that actually scare me, she's going on about everything. Like everytime I use a hair product or purfume or something she's going on about these things giving you cancer, everytime you eat something unhealthy.. you're gunna die for some reason and I just.. argh. It's upsetting me. And then she said today 1 in 3 people get it and there's 3 of us living here and it just.. it's getting to me. And she's making me worry unreasonably aswell now. She's making me paranoid that everyone's going to get sick because it's all that she's going on about. She started saying stuff like Promise Me You Won't Ever Get Really Ill and stuff and it's just.. , well, it's stupid.
She isn't well. But she'll never go to the doctor about anything, she keeps getting really bad pains at the moment and stuff and she's just.. making me even more paranoid. And it's just something that I never worried about before. I know it sounds weird with all the things that I worry about but people around me getting really sick.. was never one of them. And now it's all she's going on about it gets into my head. Everytime I feel ill I start worrying and it's just , the whole thing is stupid. Everything that my mum says gets into my head, every way she's is is part of me and she just.. she doesn't understand that. She doesn't understand that when she's feeling a certain way I end up feeling like that too.. it's like there's this invisible link to us which she either hasn't noticed or just doesn't understand. She doesn't understand how everything that she says gets into my head.. but then I can't expect her to just never say when she's worried. I just wish.. it didn't have to end up worrying me aswell .

xxx

Writing has started to feel weird. I'm not really sure why, well, I am and I'm not. Normally when I've got a lot of things in my head the first thing I want to do is write them and try and make sense of it... but in the last couple of days everytime I've tried I've felt like.. uninspired, in a way. Like everything that I was writing was completely disconnected and just didn't sound like.. well, me. And I don't want this to be forced, the idea of this isn't to sit and try and write what you're thinking about when you're clearly not ready to openly think about it yet.
I've basically got this shred of doubt in my mind about everything. Like, everything that I think suddenly becomes comepletely stupid and stuff, which makes things impossible to make any kind of sense of.. because you're telling your mind to shut up thinking them so you can stop feeling stupid. I don't think that made sense, but reading over it makes me feel... weird. So I don't want to. I think that part of the suddenly disjointedness has come from the fact that I found one of the posts that I had written offline a while ago on Word and read it and just.. hated the way I sounded. I couldn't stand it lol, I just hated that I'd ever broadcasted me thinking and sounding like that to anyone other than my own mind. Some people on here can get everything in their head across so well.. and I can't.
Also my insides are being annoying again. I've started to get headaches badly again, and I don't really know where that's come from, since I was sick all the pains that I'd been having had died down a lot but in the last 3 days they've started up again. Partly to do with english, I guess. That's been worrying me this week. Speaking And Listening tasks. Urgh. They're horrible. Especially if you're me. We basically had to write about a memory we had of when we were younger.. and I had a problem with that anyway, a lot of memories that I have aren't from that long ago and are bad ones, so that stirred up a lot in my mind... and with things that happened a long time ago I've discovered that I can't remember any actual events, I can just remember places. Yeah, so anyway, I ended up doing a long boring description of one of the flats my dad had when we were younger and then had to read it out to a group of people who I don't know very well and who.. weren't even slightly interested, basically. Not helped by the fact that someone in my group decided to feel sorry for me and try and shut up everyone up and make them listen.. I mean, it was nice of her and everything, but it just made things worse. I said what I thought of the whole task in my "evaluation", when I got it back Jesus Lady had ticked it and moved on so.. I don't think she read it. But then that's schools, they go on and on about wanting "student input" and then they put in a ton of things that scare the hell out of people like me. And the thing is it isn't just me, there a few people that I know that are the same.. so I don't think it's exactly a rare thing. I don't understand why people only cater for the Clever People In My English Class types rather than try and do something for people like me. You can't ever understand it unless you're like it and you're having to do it now. I'm not the only one that panicks whenever we're put into groups and not allowed to pick our own. Rose and a lot of other people are like it aswell. There's the We're In Groups Yay five seconds.. then the Nooo Wayyy She's Choosing The Groups AGE and then you get put in your group. This time I guess mine wasn't so bad, people were nice to me.. even thought that (weirdly) made me feel even more shy and stupid.. one time when I got put into groups like this my whole group ignored me the whole time and then completely missed me out of the presentation thing. And I get people now would think I Should Have Tried To Get Into The Conversation Rather Than Just Sat There. I DID. Ok. I DID. But they blanked me. And there's only so many times you can try and then get ignored and blush and feel uncomfortable then worry about the person who's then going to point out that you're blushing then start blushing even more then just go and try and hide yourself completely but fail and ARGH. And THIS is where adults contradict themseleves, when you start moaning about school and everything they tell you These Are The Best Days Of Your Life, but when you start getting upset about the fact that you blush when people you don't know talk to you and that you freak when you get asked stuff in school you get told It Gets Better As You Get Older. So how can the Beast Years Of My Life be now when it's going to Get Better As You Get Older?!
And these are the people we're supposed to be able to rely on for advice.

Crap. I have maths homework.

xxx

Hmm. I know this sounds mean but..
It's very crap when you realise that someone's doing just fine without you

xxx

We decided (me and my mum) to watch Love Actually on new years eve. I didn't feel like going out 'cause I felt like crap yesterday but even if I had of wanted to I couldn't have lol. Robyn's down so I couldn't have gone to see Rose and Beanie was babysitting. And I don't know about Kailee. I don't see her much outside of school because she never seems like.. to come with us places. I think it's 'cause she's really into her horses, so she doesn't have that much time.
I LOVE Love Actually. It's definately my favourite film

Apart from the fact it has Keira Knightly in it. I CANNOT STAND Kiera Knightly. God I hate her.

Anyway

New Years Resolutions

1. STOP BITING MY NAILS
(This has only been my new years resolution since I was like.. 9 Maybe This Year. Right.)

2. Loose weight or "be healthy" as the people who want to loose weight without sounding like that's what they're actually doing.

3. Be less sensitive.
Actually. Forget that.
3.be less sensitive Hugh had a go at me last night and then when he asked me why I suddenly looked miserable I said Well You Did Just Snap At Me and he said that was my fault for being too sensitive. You never know, it might be a good thing. Perhaps. Maybe.
Someday.

Moving on...

4.
Or is that 3?
You were right about new years resolutions.

4. BE MORE CONFIDANT. Confident?

This years gunna be so great.

Ahh well.

At Least I Have My Feeder Album

From now on I'm going to be an optimist.

xxx