Angst? Me? Never.

Today I have spent a lot of time feeling very sorry for myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a happy person and I have to learn to live with this fact and stop being so miserable about it.

Yeah.

I've decided that I'm going to grow my hair long again. Lg15 style. She always looks nice.

I've developed the bad habit of completely analysing myself every single time I look in the mirror.

I've learnt that I can no longer miraculously pull cds out of the middle of my cd tower without the whole thing then falling on me. Damnit.

I've cried a lot.
I've felt stupid for feeling this way.
Decided that, no, I'm not stupid. Just no one gets the fact that he was a lovely hamster and I loved him lots.
Then I went back to feeling stupid..
Because I feel guilty about him being outside in the rain and the cold.
It's making me hurt. But not like, physically. In other words I want him back.

And then right now, I'm kinda freaked out. I decided to take a picture of myself to show you what I am now, seeing as this is what we've been talking about. So I turned on my camera and the first thing it did was run out of battery. So I went into John's room and got the extension plug thing, plugged in my camera to charge it, and when I got back, everything I'd written (basically all the above, noe re-typed) had dissapeared.
No one could have been in my room to delete it because I was only in John's and that is next door. I would have heard.
Gremlins. Again.

So. Me. Now.

Who needs teddies when you have mugs?

In photos your normally pose but if you actually wanted to "know me" through a photograph then that would be the one.

This amused me today.

I'm going now.
Hugh's bought ice-cream.
Yay.

Hmm.

Diet later.

x

We just buried him. Well, mum did.
I didn't want to. I don't want him outside in the rain .. I didn't want him outside at all. I wanted him to be in here and to be ok. This isn't fair. I didn't want him to go.
It's weird. As much as I say otherwise I think I'd actually would rather be on my own when I'm upset. I've shut myself in my room and luckily mum is leaving me alone. Because I don't really want to talk to anyone. I feel bad 'cause she's upset and probably wants me to go downstairs and give her a hug but I want to stay up here. I wanna go back to bed actually. When I woke up this morning and I hadn't got up yet nothing bad had happened. I could hear mum and it sounded like she was ok and I didn't have to worry about everything at school for about a day.. but then this . And it's not even just this, this just makes everything loads worse . Not that it's his fault, he was really old.. he was 2 and a half and some vet person my mum told about him yesterday said he'd done really well. So I guess at least I don't have to feel bad about that.
I just don't like thinking about him outside in the rain and the cold even though he can't feel that or anything anymore..
And as I'm talking about stuff I might as well get started on other things. For some reason our friend group thingy has gone all weird. I don't even understand why it was perfectly find 2 weeks ago. I mean, me and Rose are fine.. and she's been really sweet to me in the last couple of days when I haven't felt happy but Beanie's gone all weird and Kailee's really miserable. Beanue shouted at me yesterday. I really can't take being yelled at and she should know that. She goes on and on about having stress problems but she doesn't even have anything to worry about, it sounded to me when we went over to her house that everything was pretty perfect but then I know I'm being unfair. I just don't see why she had to shout at me. I don't see why anyone does really. People yell at me when they don't know anything about me, they don't know what I think about them or how I react to getting yelled at. They barely even know me really, and yet they still think it's ok to have a go at me and to make me feel bad. Especially when they don't know how bad I might be feeling already. And then what makes it worse is that when I think about it, Beanie actually does know that I'm not all that happy at the moment, she's supposed to be my friend but she's yelled at me about various things so many times in the last couple of weeks, and then whenever I say anything apparently I'm just being over-sensitive. Like I can help that. And the Kailee.. she won't tell me anything. Ever. And then Beanie makes a massive thing out of the fact that she's getting told, like if we're there we're suddenly dismissed because Beanie's gunna talk to Kailee. I know I'm being stupid but I can't help it. They have loads of time when we're not there, I don't see why they can't talk about things then. And Beanie isn't exactly a great friend, because even though we don't ask she always tells us what Kailee's said afterwards. I get that I'm contradicting myself but there are lots of contradictions in this. Because I want to know, but I want to know from Kailee, not from Beanie trying to make herself feel important. Beanie's just begun to irritate me, and then whenever you say anything apparently we're jelous of the fact that she's not ugly and that she's great at art and that loads of guys like her. And that's part of what makes Kailee feel bad, I feel the same way about certain things she's told Beanie about that I'm not gunna say 'cause I'm not mean like Beanie but I can't talk to Kailee about them 'cause I don't know what to say and whenever I ask her what's wrong and don't believe her when she says nothing she says to leave her alone. She doesn't mean to upset me but it still does. And everything's all stopped making sense I know. I'm worried about next Thursday. My dad is for a change going to be helpful and give me a lift back from school which I guess is nice but that doesn't stop me from being worried about mum driving up to Farnam. She panicks and I'm worried. And then there's being on my own with John for ages. Even if dad is here for a bit Mandy won't let him stay all evening. And then there's mum's like... temperamentality. I don't know if that's a word but it sums things up. I'm reading a book called Just Listen, which sums it up perfectly. Once something like that happens once you're always looking out for signs of it happening again, even if you don't want to be and would prefer to forget the whole thing ever happened.
Argh.
I'm gunna go and make my Bebo all depressing.
It'll give me something to do.
I wish the bloody rain would stop.

Nugget's died