Everything's so weird. I found out something tonight that's made me think a lot... At Pulse, there's this kid called Alex. He's sweet and everything but at times he can be really really difficult, a couple of weeks ago he was just really angry the whole time he was there and we didn't really know why. Then today we were talking to him and stuff and we found out his mum has cancer.. It just shocked me because.. I don't know, I just didn't think about him and his life.. and I feel bad for him 'cause I don't think he has anyone. He told us his dad lives in London and he's never mentioned having brothers or sisters.. and if you see the way he is with his friends you can tell that they don't talk about stuff. I think another reason he's like he is is that he's convinced himself that he's stupid because he got held back a year. I just told him there is no way he is stupid and stuff.. and then went on to take the mick out of myself a lot.. and I guess he seemed to cheer up after that.
Argh. Then.. just after he was speaking to us about his mum some kid fell over.. and pretended to have fit. Everyone laughed and I can garuntee this kid, Ben doesn't like me anymore. I got really mad at him, because that is a horrible thing to pretend.. it isn't funny.. he should THINK about what he might be doing and it brought it all back to the front of my mind and in the last few weeks I've had a rest from the horrible images going round my head all the time. But thanks to that stupid kid they're all back again. I actually don't care if he's only 12, he should know better.
I guess the combination of that and finding out a bit about Alex's life just sort of.. well, messed me up would be one way of putting it. I don't feel well now. And I'm worried about Alex. And I have John fitting in my mind again. The whole thing just keeps running over and over in my head and I want it to go away. I so badly wanna run away from it and forget that it ever happen.. but it's like a tape playing over and over in my mind.. there isn't a stop button. But then there isn't for Alex either, and he's only 13.. I don't know what to do. I'm gunna be more friendly anfd stuff now though, make the effort to say hi in school and stuff. They're usually not so friendly in school but I'm gunna make the effort anyway. 'Cause finding out about that made me think...
Argh. I wish I could switch off thinking. I have spanish to learn for tomorow and I can't do it when my head's like this. It's too full. However, I don't think explaining that to my spanish teacher will stop her giving me detention when I fail miserably.. again.
x
