Ok, I have 2 e mails that I really need to answer - I'm not not gunna answer, I'm just not sure like.. how to right now. Because there's things I know I wanna say, but I don't know how to say them. (That sentance is an accidental example) So I'm not ignoring you or being really horrible or anything and I will answer, I just have a lot on my mind as of last night lol. And I should have answered before then, but last time I was online I was getting yelled at.. actually, the last few times I've been online I've been yelled at. Well. Not yelled at, but power of HARSH SPEAKING CAPITAL LETTERS and all that.

Hugh's here today, and everything is all uncomfortable, he snaps and I said about 10 minutes ago that I didn't like the way he talked to people but mum started talking over me because she doesn't want me to cause a problem. Despite the fact that there s clearly a massive one already. I don't know how long this is supposed to go on for, she says that he hasn't even looked at her all day and it's weird, there's this tension which I thought was gone after the summer but it's back.. it's like a massive knot in my stomach and I feel bad for not being really happy because that's making mum sad aswell. I have had a good day though.. till Hugh came anyway.

Mum told me some things last night that I'm having a lot of difficulty processing. It's not something I'm allowed to talk about.. and even if I was I wouldn't, because I wouldn't know how. I don't exactly know what I know, there's so many questios I wanna ask about it but I can't because it's just... I don't know how. I don't know if I can talk about it and I shouldn't even have mentioned it on here, now. Ok. Shutting up about that Now.

I'm going to write down all the reasons that I feel weird. Sorry, I know it's not exactly Christmassy.

I went to church again last night, because mum was helping out at the childrens carol service so I basically sat there for an hour bieng moral support, I didn't want to go, but I went because it's my mum and I want to be someone who's going to be there for her. She asked Hugh to go but he can't even pretend he respects her and her beliefs so he didn't come. Just the whole thing makes me feel weird, lie I said, the place and the togetherness of it, a togetherness that I'm never going to have with anyone, because whenever I'm around that I'm just a watcher, I can't even deal with it, I just shut down. I don't know why. Also.. I saw the woman who stayed in the hospital with me when John had his seizure. I remember we were there and everyone had justr arrived and I was sitting with John and I think this was the woman that sat with my mum when she lost it. This was the point when I should have gone over because... I was the only person who understood. But I can't handle crying.. so I didn't. Anyway.. the weirdness of it was I sat in a hospital for HOURS with her, because mum had to go and let people now what had happened.. take Barney home and find John some pajamas. And she sat there with me for ages talking to me about my hair straightners and letting me tell her about John. I've never reallyt appreciated her before, whenever I've written - or even thought - about it I've just thought about how I was feeling but the fact is that she managed to bring in a bit of normality that no one else could.. no one else tried to.. and she didn't do it in a patronising way she did it so that I didn't even notice.
I said Hi to her.

Then the priest guy called Dave....

Ok. Wait a sec. I'm not all about steriotypes, I'm really not, and I'm guessing that from "The priest guy called Dave" you're instantly thinking Oh My God... because you're thinking scary over enthusiastic nutter who is patronising and won't let you out of a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.
He's actually not like that, he's more relaxed than everyone else. Although I can't look at him. Whenever my mum is talking to anyone there I just look at her face as she speaks, never at the person she's speaking to. They must think I'm a total freak because even when I spoke I kept my eyes on my mum's face, because hers is one I'm comfortable with. With everyone there.. the older people, with some of them it feels as thought there's something that they want to say to me that they can't quite say, so they just give you a pat on the back when you leave and say something like Be Ok. Or whatever. Either that or they think they know me and everything about me from one glance. Which obviously makes me want to be out of their company as quickly as I can. I think that's why I am like I am with my friends and with people, I can't so intense people and intense friendships. I can't handle things when they get really emotional. And I can't ask questions even when what I don't know is making me feel sick.
I also have a fear of rejection. Which stems from something completely stupid and insignificant and something that shouldn't even matter! People that worry about that kinda stuff have lost parents not just someone falling out with them when they were 11. I guess that's partly what I wanted to say. The closest friendship I ever had was over in like.. the space of a week.
Then there was Leanne, also before I left primary school. I think knowing her made me grow up more quickly, because she scared me and not knowing things would make her laugh at you, and her laughing at you was horrible. But then her being serious with you was worse. Her mum commited suicide when we were in year 6 and for a while I went back with her to the post office where she waited for her dad to pick her up everyday. Lots of things happened there, scary things. She threatened.. scary stuff.
Then Lara fell out with me.
Then I left primary school.
I haven't seen her since.

Actually. I've forgotten what I was getting at :roll:. This is big and rambling and I don't think it makes any sense but I'm sort of going through all the knots in my stomach. Even stuff I'd forgotten. I don't know what you call this.
But I think I'm going to stop now. This isn't very In The Christmas Spirit is it?
I want someone I know, here to read all of this. Then they might get it. But then I don't even know what "it" is. It's probably completely uncomplicated and I'm making a big deal out of nothing but I guess I'm thinking if I knew what "it" is and if I knew someone that just got "it" then everything would be a lot easier. Because then I wouldn't have to go through this process of explaining myself.
Because as you know
I'm not very good at it.

I'm waiting for Hugh to leave. Not that it'll help, the whole tension feeling is definately there and thriving so it's not going to go away until.. well. I don't know. Maybe it's just not going to go away.
But then even thinking about all this stuff I'm prooving someone right that I wanted to be wrong.
Argh.
I wish people didn't say stuff to me, because they don't get how it imprints itself onto my brain and goes all..
Well.
Like this.

Anyway;;

MERRY CHRISTMAS
And I hope everyone's happy & you all got what you wanted :)

xxx