So... tonight. Annoyingly I'm up to date on both the online thingies I watch now so I don't have anything to keep my occupied. Granted I could go downstairs or to bed but instead I'm going to sit here and tell you how bored I am.
Today was weird. We went to see grandparents and after doing that everything always feels... I don't know. Just odd. Because like.. I don't know. My nan isn't technically my nan because she's my mum's step mum.. but my gran divorced my grandad ages before I was born so we're related really. Just not in the blood way. Not that we're only family 'cause she have some amazing friendship, like I've said before. I just never know what to say. My gradad is really sick. He's got some form of parkinsons disease and he's not well at all at the moment. I don't know, I guess this is the time when you'd normally go up and give someone a hug but I think the only thing I said when I was there was "Bye" when we had to leave. It's not my fault though, apparently, last time we went over I started getting kinda stressed about the fact that they're my family and I can't seem to speak to them.. well, him. And she said that he's kinda difficult to talk to and that it isn't my fault, she thinks he has some kind of special needs, like John. I don't know. I don't really know anything about him, I know that things weren't happy between him and my gran for a long time before they got divorced though, because apparently they broke up for the right reasons then got back together again for the wrong reasons all the time. They weren't happy together and my mum thinks that they would have been better off finishing things when they first said they would. It's weird, you know, because growing up with that, you hate it so much, you don't understand how a couple of so called 'adults' could be so stupid... and I don't think it is just me that felt that way, because from what my mum said she seemed to pretty much think that at the time... I just don't understand how living with that she then managed to get herself into a situation that is JUST LIKE IT. But then, as I've been told a lot by two different people in the last couple of days I just don't understand things so I shouldn't comment. I just... I don't know. I'm like my mum in a lot of ways, she keeps saying so anyway... but I'm not gunna end up like this.. like my gran.. because she's all by herself and I'm not being like my mum either, because Hugh treats her SO badly.
I don't think I told you about this, sorry if I have and I'm just repeating myself but seriously 
. I went round to Hugh's when she went to work there earlier in the week because I didn't want to be by myself... and.. well... I don't want her to go anymore after I've been. He treats you like you're an idiot, and like you're beneath him. He talks to her like.. I don't know, the whole dirt on the bottom of your shoe thing.. and he's always saying that her work isn't good enough if one mistake has been made, one mistake that could, actually, have been made by him. I just... I know I have a lot of issues with my mum, particularly after.. well, after some things she said that I want to but can't seem to forget.. but she's my mum, and I love her.. and really, honestly, she's the only person that I've got and I don't want to let someone treat her the way that Hugh does, he was so horrible. And you know.. the worst thing? I didn't say anything. I SHOULD have said something. Why didn't I say anything?! I'm such a hyprocrite, I'm going on and on about them and everything and I didn't even stick up for her. I SHOULD have. Why didn't I? Because I'm a coward. The one time I stuck up for someone with him is when I could immediately get out afterwards. I can't... I can't be in a situation where there's like.. bad feeling. When someone's mad at me and I'm still in the same room as them.. I don't know, it's weird.. everything suddenly seems to become completely suffocating.. and I start feeling bad because I yelled even though I know I was right. Because I should have said something, and the way he treats her isn't ok. But I didn't. I couldn't. I could. I didn't. Argh.
It's just all this Christmas stuff. If he does think he's coming... do I tell him I don't want him here? I couldn't... could I? It's just.. if he's here then all mum's going to be doing is thinking about the fact that he's here and he wishes that he wasn't... but then... if he isn't here then all she's gunna think about is that he isn't here because he didn't want to be and he should want to be. So either way... Ugh. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!
And ARGH BEANIE. Yesterday I didn't feel very "chatty" on MSN so she got in a massive mood with me and then said that I hated her and why did I hate her and then blocked me and I panicked and wondered what I had done and then a couple of minutes later she unblocks me and says that she was "just joking". Yeahh. Thing is, Beanie doesn't so these things when she's "just joking" she's one of those people who shows she'd pissed at you by making jokes when she's actually serious and yes, you ARE in trouble. It's interesting when one of your best friends frankly scares the hell out of you.
So, I've had my MSN status set to "Busy" for ages 'cause I was watching LG15 and I couldn't be bothered to talk 
. But now I'm bored so I thought I would IM her.. first thing she says "Oh... hello Lydia" then I asked what was wrong and then she went on about OMGWhyCan'tISayHiAnymoreWhat'sWrongWithEveryone. etc etc etc.. rant rant rant.. O_o "I'm just kidding". I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS BEANIE. Not that I can actually say that. To be honest, I think she's trying to get a reaction because she's argued with Doidge and now knows that I lied to her.
Which I guess would give her a reason to be mad at me. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Explanation?
Ok. Doidge's party. Beanie didn't invite Doidge to her party. When Doidge's birthday comes, Doidge invites everyone in our group "social circle" except Beanie. Which you know, kinda makes sense seeing as they HATE eachother. And they never talk (why they hate eachother when they don't even have to speak to eachother I don't know). Anyway. So with Doidge's party the idea was not to tell Beanie but then Rose kinda accidently did but she still didn't appear to know that she wasn't invited. Then she came online the day of the party (obviosly I was online due to my getting "over stressed" and throwing up everywhere) and started asking lots about it and if everyone knew that she wasn't invited and that she wouldn't have gone (sure) if it was one of us and stuff. So, I lied and said "I didn't really know who was going, Doidge kept telling people they couldn't go lol". Yes, I'm mean and I should have told the truth but I'm mean and I didn't want her to have a go at me. And I didn't exactly lie.. I knew she wasn't coming but I wasn't completely sure who was beyond Rose and Kailee.
I think I was just being paranoid.
She's fine and talking about Tom now.
There is a certain person I really want to bring into the conversation then turn it around on her you know. But I'm trying really really hard not to, because it's kinda mean. Plus the whole squishing the feelings for the guy you shouldn't have feelings for thing. Talking about him doesn't help... I spose I could just subtley take the piss out of his short girlfriend..
No.
I'm shutting up now.
xxx
