Hammy is still the same. I don't know how long this is going to go on for. I thought he'd gone this morning when I went downstairs but then when I stroked him he tried to bite me.. it scared me and made me cry.. again. I know you don't get it unless you've had one.. but you do get really attached and everything.. 
.
Oh nooo. I'm really panicking now. Robyn's coming down. And it's not like it's even a just don't go to Totnes for a while thing it's an actual can't get out of seeing her thing. She's going to come into school and see everyone... and even if I manage to avoid her she'll tell everyone I'm horrible and then I'll just have "How come you're not talking to Robyn?" every 5 seconds for the rest of the day and then I won't be anonymous and stuff. I like being invisible. It means no one talks about you and you can be happy and invisible. I don't want to do anything to draw attention to myself. 'Cause if you're quiet and everything like me then the chavs leave you alone. And I like them leaving me alone and I don't want Robyn to come and mess that all up. I've changed so much since she left, everything has been so much better since she left and I don't want her to come and mess all that up. I'm happier since she left and I have friends since she left, people actually like me and it's not just because I'm Robyn's Friend. It's because they talked to me and everything. She made me so miserable and I would never have sent her the e mail I sent her if I ever thought that I was going to see her again. Because the e mail I sent was really harsh. But I'm not sorry. And she made Ime think that it was her fault!. Ohhh.. help .
Explanatin needed? I think so. Basically when I went to secondry school I had no friends. Everything went wrong at my primary school so even when I got sent to a different school from all of them... it didn't make any difference. Either way I had no friends. When I got there the first person I met was Robyn.. whose best friend (slave) was Rose. She told me some story about how she "svaed" Rose from Karly and then everything was ok for a couple of days and I hung out with them. Then I started getting on really well with Rose.. then Robyn started making everyone run away from me. Every break/lunch for a few days they'd all run away and everything. I guess I knew me and Rose were going to get on really well when she stopped and stayed with me, even though it pissed off Robyn a lot. From there.. well.. I know this sounds cheesy and stupid but she basically destroyed evey bit of confidence I had in myself. Everything I did she took the mick out of.. after a while I could barely talk and worried about what my hair was like.. I couldn't even wave to people! I was worried about what I looked like when i waved to people for about a year. Yes. Stupid. Ridiculous. Then... well, she basically started falling out with me once of twice a week. I don't even remember what it was about most of the time now but she always was mad at me and stopped speaking to me and a lot of the time I didn't know why. I remember loosing my temper with her once or twice. Then summer came and she was supposed to move away. I didn't see her to say bye and anything. Next thing I know I'm getting a phone call from Rose saying it's all fallen through and she's staying. It's weird, but I'm kind of glad because she is my friend.. despite all the weird stuff.
Year 8. Oh my god. I don't know how long it was into term when it all started again. Except this time worse. She got this crush on this guy called Bill... a guy I at that point barely knew. After a while this whole Bill thing was an obsession. I don't remember exactly the first time it happened but like.. we ended up spending more time with this guy.. so I started talking to him sometimes.. lol, I guess we were kind of friends at that point. Then.. she flipped. For some reason I wasn't allowed to talk to him anymore or anything. Everytime I spoke to him I was being a slut etc etc.. then she wouldn't talk to me... this happened with another she liked I was friends with aswell.. every single day.. she fell out with me when one of the guys smacked me in the head with a book once. 
. That's the time I found it funny.
Then.. I don't know. I guess it got more serious in the sense that she got some other people involved.. other people that still hate me now lol. God, she started falling out with me before I'd even see her in the day.
Me: hi robyn
*silence*
Me
.. Hi robyn
*silence*
Me: -look at rose- umm
Robyn: Rose, don't say anything, she has to work it out for herself
Me: what..?
*rolls eyes at me*
Rose: um
Robyn: SHE HAS TO WORK IT OUT FOR HERSELF
Me: have I done something..?
Robyn: *gives rose a "knowing" look*
me: er.. sorry?
Robyn: you're not. you don't even know what you've done wrong
me: I haven't done anything..?
Robyn: *rolls eyes* right.
me: what have I done?
*silence*
-bell goes-
me: see you later then..
For whole days. My god. I spent most of year 8 trying to work out what I'd done wrong. It doesn't sound that serious but at the time it wa for me. I seriously freak when people are cross with me or I've upset them.. and not knowing what the hell was going on most of the time was upsetting.
Then... end of year 8.. she left. I stayed in contact. Things were weird though. I was begining to think that Rose didn't actually like me and was hating everything since Robyn left. I'd be talking to Robyn about something that was happening at school.. or something that me and Rose had done and Robyn would start telling me how crap Rose thought it was.. when to me she'd said it was good and stuff.. I started getting really paranoid that I was boring and stuff.. eventually I did the thing I should have done in the first place.. I was talking about something I liked and then I said something about Oh Sorry... Rose utterly confused. I end up asking about stuff and she got really upset. She looked really mad.. and Rose doesn't get like that. I didn't know her to at that point anyway... then we kind of peiced things together. I started talking about all the things that she had said to me. It's just... . It was really confusing. I never mentioned to robyn that i'd worked things out but she did it so much I started realising how rediculous this was. Then I think I said actually.... I remember e mailing her and saying basically "fuck off" and a load of other stuff after she.. a. tried to make things awakward for me by telling loads of people that I liked a guy I didn't like.. a guy that would have got everyone taking the mick and leaving me on my own with him.. a guy i got on well with but felt I had to avoid from then on... then b... I found someone's bebo and for some reason told her. I made her promise not to comment 'cause this was someone i'd managed to avoid for like a year and wasn't about to get back into contact with now.. she left him a comment being really harsh and saying stuff about me etc..
Then I flipped and e mailed her that she was a bitch and I hated her etc etc.
arghhh i want her to go away
i don't want any of her stupid attention on me
i just want my mum to let me have th day off on that dayy
i wish rose could just tell her no to coming to school, but she can't it'd be awkward. and i can't put her in the robyn or me situation.. that's too mean. i just wish someone would be like "leave her alone" for me.. but no one's going to be because i don't have that person in my life..
