Ohhh. I'm annoyed at myself. Like, dissapointed kind of annoyed.
Today, as well as going in for the last day of term I should have been going in a limo after school. Though as I'm here, now that clearly isn't happening.
To say I've been freaking out a lot in the last few days in completely an understatement. There are about a million stupid things in my head annoying me that I will bore you with at a later date but OMG. I guess my insides finally got bored of it and decided to tell me that yes, I was worrying too much and yes, they were getting sick of it.
Literally.
Since last week with everything that was going on on Thursday I've sorta been freaking and I've gradually been feeling worse and worse like.. physically.. not just in myself. It's like every morning I was waking up worried about something or having dreampt about something and then the first thing that would happen is I would get a headache. Then it started to feeling sick every morning - I haven't eaten much this week. It's all annoying.
I went out last night to Totnes late night shopping with Rose and Judy. I was worried about that because whenever I'm with Rose and Judy I feel really like.. insignificant because they're both confidant/pretty/kewl and I just feel like an idiot.. not in a good way. Her nan and grandad were down aswell which made me realised how stupid and messed up my relationships with my grandparents are. I barely speak to mine and because that's how it's always been I guess I kinda of assumed most people were the same. Wrong. Rose and Judy freely talk to their grandparents.. Rose and Judy are really close.. Rose and Judy can take the piss out of their grandparents to their faces and stuff when I barely speak when I'm around mine. Whenever I'm alone with my parents parents there's just this massive awkward silence that I just feel I have to get myself out of as soon as possible. And my gran notices it aswell, that's part of the reason she doesn't want to come down and help my mum ever.. because of me. Because there is nothing to say, my gran pretty much hates everything in my life, everything I like is bad, the fact that I don't like the whole church thing is bad.. she doesn't say it but it's obvious that she thinks it. Everything that's not 100% christian and "right" is bad to her. You can imagene what she thought of The Simpsons (Yes, I actually was stupid enough to put that on). That's why she said at least now she has the oppertunity to have a relationship with Cate. Which obviously upset my mum because she thinks that that means "Ok, I'm done with you I have something better now." She follows that with saying that she knows she's being stupid and but she can't help it. Which I completely get because I say that so much. But I'm not allowed to say I get things anymore 'cause Maz made a bing thing out of putting in her msn name that I say I understand things when I don't. She doesn't get that I'm bad at showing stuff. So maybe I don't. I don't know :S.
Then there's mum and Hugh.
And I don't even remember what I was talking about.
So now mum wants to take me to a doctor.
I don't want a bloody doctor.
All they do is give me the same stupid card to go to the same crappy place in Newton Abbot to talk to the same kind of bad shoe wearing patronising twat they've sent me to before.
But it's worrying my mum so now I have to worry because I don't like it when my mum is worried. Plus she has SO much work at the moment thinking about me isn't convinient.
But then at the same time I like it when she's like this because she makes John be nice to me and it's just.. different. Well. It's ok till she starts talking about doctors.
Argh. yeah, and I remembered the other thing that's worrying me. Rose is onto me about the guy I like but was trying incredibly hard not to because of the fact that he has a girlfriend and if he didn't he'd like beanie. so now she's trying to get me to "admitt" it by talking about me all the time. Yeah. And yesterday she asked me the very subtle question "if you were gunna go out with someone in our year who would it be?.. i mean, i won't say that you fancy them or anything" and i really really really really can't be bothered with it. because if i admitt it out loud then it's harder to pretend it's not there 
.
and nothing would ever happen anyway.
because i don't want it to.
because i'm never, seriously, never ending up in anything remotely similar to mum and hugh.
not that [insertguysnamehere] is anything like hugh.
he's nice to his incredibly short girlfriend with the annoying bebo page.
yeah.
omg.
shutup lydia.
see what i've got myself started on now?
godddddddddddd.
There are 2 advantages to all this stuff:
Me not going in the limo means Beanie won't be all left out, 'cause I won't have gone either.
I have £3 to spend on itunes. (yay).... (!)
and I'm off school. but that doesn't count as 3 advantages because i'm not sure if being at home thinking is a good thing.
actually
it's a bad thing
this is a disadvantage.
especially 'cause i don't get to laugh at rose when her dad performs in the staff band this afternoon.
only laugh at rose tho, not her dad 'cause he scares me.
yeah.
i'm gunna go now.
x
