Angst? Me? Never.

Okay, so as I've said (and demonstrated) a lot of times I'm not really that great at explaining things. I've been thinking about Hugh and how things have shifted again a lot today and I thought I'd try and describe exactly what it's like.
Hugh has lots of different personalities, at the moment he's like this:

So this is Hugh now. It's scary but not extremely so. There's the massive fake smile and everything is accentuated. Like if you pretend that you're being funny and happy all the tension is going to go away. All laughter from Hugh, like with a clown, is fake. This is a bit weird but not completely disturbing.

But then, a switch flips

And it just goes to being scary and arguing. Or just giving looks about everything you do, staring at whatever you do with That Look until you have to ask him what it is that you're doing wrong. Talking down to you and critisising everything. You feel that you can't even walk into a room. But then this clown, is also pissed off because he's lost most of his control. He isn't as needed anymore, he isn't allowed everything that he wants anymore and people are sticking up to him.
And this scary clown HATES it.

Which is why scary clown felt the need to make Christmas miserable and tension filled and unhappy. And now has gone back to being clown number one. It's weird. You don't know which one is worse, because when someone's being completely miserable it makes you angry, but when they're being too fake happy it puts you on edge. Because when someone's like that.. honestly, how long is it before they snap? Also, when someone's being fake happy you start believing it and then it's even more confusing when they suddenly snap back and go all scary again.

Hopefully that helped me make sense.
Although I have a feeling it might be more confusing than ever.

xxx

I don't get Hugh. He has SO much in his life, he has my mum who sticks around despite the way he treats her, she does way more work than he pays her for and cooks him meals. She's put up with so much from him and he can't even appreciate one thing that she does.
He knows for a fact that my dad isn't.. isn't always how he should be. He knew stuff about him when I was still young enough to not know or understand and then he could have chosen to become some sort of father figure... he didn't. He doesn't want us around, has SAID on several occaisions that he doesn't want us around and that just makes me feel uncomfortable. This is MY home, not his! And yet I'm the one feeling bad when he sits down stairs being way to happy and completely fake because he wants to pretend that he hasn't done anything wrong and he didn't ruin Christmas and that there's some point in him actually being here.
I've decided that I'm going to start nagging him. He's living in the house next door to his while he renovates his (something that's been going on a few years now) and the fact is that his house isn't going to be finished for a long time, and his parents will let him do what he wants with the house he's renting but he won't make it anything like a home. His stuff is still all in boxes when he must have been living there a year... he doesn't come round here in the week much anymore because mum won't let him stay the night now so I think he should get a tv. He has a tv.. just no liscence and he can afford it he just doesn't want to.. make anything like home. Even though home won't be home because he's getting rid of his house as soon as he's finished it. Today, when I asked him he told me that he was planning to get the tv liscence at the end of the month (2 months ago) so I'm gunna nag him all this week. Maybe if he's got something at home to stop him working all the time he'll appreciate being home and won't want to go on holiday all the time then be nicer to mum then they'll be happier then it won't all feel like this.
Not that he'll listen to me.
People don't.
Unless of course, I get really, really, really annoying.

Ok, I have 2 e mails that I really need to answer - I'm not not gunna answer, I'm just not sure like.. how to right now. Because there's things I know I wanna say, but I don't know how to say them. (That sentance is an accidental example) So I'm not ignoring you or being really horrible or anything and I will answer, I just have a lot on my mind as of last night lol. And I should have answered before then, but last time I was online I was getting yelled at.. actually, the last few times I've been online I've been yelled at. Well. Not yelled at, but power of HARSH SPEAKING CAPITAL LETTERS and all that.

Hugh's here today, and everything is all uncomfortable, he snaps and I said about 10 minutes ago that I didn't like the way he talked to people but mum started talking over me because she doesn't want me to cause a problem. Despite the fact that there s clearly a massive one already. I don't know how long this is supposed to go on for, she says that he hasn't even looked at her all day and it's weird, there's this tension which I thought was gone after the summer but it's back.. it's like a massive knot in my stomach and I feel bad for not being really happy because that's making mum sad aswell. I have had a good day though.. till Hugh came anyway.

Mum told me some things last night that I'm having a lot of difficulty processing. It's not something I'm allowed to talk about.. and even if I was I wouldn't, because I wouldn't know how. I don't exactly know what I know, there's so many questios I wanna ask about it but I can't because it's just... I don't know how. I don't know if I can talk about it and I shouldn't even have mentioned it on here, now. Ok. Shutting up about that Now.

I'm going to write down all the reasons that I feel weird. Sorry, I know it's not exactly Christmassy.

I went to church again last night, because mum was helping out at the childrens carol service so I basically sat there for an hour bieng moral support, I didn't want to go, but I went because it's my mum and I want to be someone who's going to be there for her. She asked Hugh to go but he can't even pretend he respects her and her beliefs so he didn't come. Just the whole thing makes me feel weird, lie I said, the place and the togetherness of it, a togetherness that I'm never going to have with anyone, because whenever I'm around that I'm just a watcher, I can't even deal with it, I just shut down. I don't know why. Also.. I saw the woman who stayed in the hospital with me when John had his seizure. I remember we were there and everyone had justr arrived and I was sitting with John and I think this was the woman that sat with my mum when she lost it. This was the point when I should have gone over because... I was the only person who understood. But I can't handle crying.. so I didn't. Anyway.. the weirdness of it was I sat in a hospital for HOURS with her, because mum had to go and let people now what had happened.. take Barney home and find John some pajamas. And she sat there with me for ages talking to me about my hair straightners and letting me tell her about John. I've never reallyt appreciated her before, whenever I've written - or even thought - about it I've just thought about how I was feeling but the fact is that she managed to bring in a bit of normality that no one else could.. no one else tried to.. and she didn't do it in a patronising way she did it so that I didn't even notice.
I said Hi to her.

Then the priest guy called Dave....

Ok. Wait a sec. I'm not all about steriotypes, I'm really not, and I'm guessing that from "The priest guy called Dave" you're instantly thinking Oh My God... because you're thinking scary over enthusiastic nutter who is patronising and won't let you out of a situation that makes you feel uncomfortable.
He's actually not like that, he's more relaxed than everyone else. Although I can't look at him. Whenever my mum is talking to anyone there I just look at her face as she speaks, never at the person she's speaking to. They must think I'm a total freak because even when I spoke I kept my eyes on my mum's face, because hers is one I'm comfortable with. With everyone there.. the older people, with some of them it feels as thought there's something that they want to say to me that they can't quite say, so they just give you a pat on the back when you leave and say something like Be Ok. Or whatever. Either that or they think they know me and everything about me from one glance. Which obviously makes me want to be out of their company as quickly as I can. I think that's why I am like I am with my friends and with people, I can't so intense people and intense friendships. I can't handle things when they get really emotional. And I can't ask questions even when what I don't know is making me feel sick.
I also have a fear of rejection. Which stems from something completely stupid and insignificant and something that shouldn't even matter! People that worry about that kinda stuff have lost parents not just someone falling out with them when they were 11. I guess that's partly what I wanted to say. The closest friendship I ever had was over in like.. the space of a week.
Then there was Leanne, also before I left primary school. I think knowing her made me grow up more quickly, because she scared me and not knowing things would make her laugh at you, and her laughing at you was horrible. But then her being serious with you was worse. Her mum commited suicide when we were in year 6 and for a while I went back with her to the post office where she waited for her dad to pick her up everyday. Lots of things happened there, scary things. She threatened.. scary stuff.
Then Lara fell out with me.
Then I left primary school.
I haven't seen her since.

Actually. I've forgotten what I was getting at . This is big and rambling and I don't think it makes any sense but I'm sort of going through all the knots in my stomach. Even stuff I'd forgotten. I don't know what you call this.
But I think I'm going to stop now. This isn't very In The Christmas Spirit is it?
I want someone I know, here to read all of this. Then they might get it. But then I don't even know what "it" is. It's probably completely uncomplicated and I'm making a big deal out of nothing but I guess I'm thinking if I knew what "it" is and if I knew someone that just got "it" then everything would be a lot easier. Because then I wouldn't have to go through this process of explaining myself.
Because as you know
I'm not very good at it.

I'm waiting for Hugh to leave. Not that it'll help, the whole tension feeling is definately there and thriving so it's not going to go away until.. well. I don't know. Maybe it's just not going to go away.
But then even thinking about all this stuff I'm prooving someone right that I wanted to be wrong.
Argh.
I wish people didn't say stuff to me, because they don't get how it imprints itself onto my brain and goes all..
Well.
Like this.

Anyway;;

MERRY CHRISTMAS
And I hope everyone's happy & you all got what you wanted

xxx

So today has been ok so far. I've got all my wrapping up done and I'm pretty happy with what I've got for people.
Mum still isn't ok though, I think she was hoping that Hugh was going to at least come over and spend the day with us today, but instead he says that he can't have any fun if he's here and not on holiday, so he's at home.. working I guess. I just keep telling mum that it's actually more relaxed when he isn't here.. and she agrees.. and she doesn't seem really unhappy, so hopefully she is honestly ok and not just pretending. I think that the idea of Christmas without Hugh's parents is what's cheering her up. It'll be nice, I think.
My dad's coming round in the morning with my gran, which should be good because mum hasn't seen dad's mum for a year.. not since last Christmas actually. And I guess seeing dad will be ok.. it'll make John happy and Mandy never comes with him, which is always a plus. And he was actually really nice the other week.. he says that he always really looks forward to coming to see us. And he tends to show up, which is always good . So hopefully tomorow will be ok.
But argh, I have to go to church again today, I don't want to because I think I might have to try and make awkward conversation with people this time. Which I hate and probably won't be able to think of any believable excuse to get out of.
Damnit.
Plus the whole place just makes me feel weird. It's another one of those places where everyone is so completely together.. and I'm just not part of that. I'm not anywhere .
Anyway

I have this song on on youtube because it never fails to cheer me up.
Here you go

xxx

So... tonight. Annoyingly I'm up to date on both the online thingies I watch now so I don't have anything to keep my occupied. Granted I could go downstairs or to bed but instead I'm going to sit here and tell you how bored I am.

Today was weird. We went to see grandparents and after doing that everything always feels... I don't know. Just odd. Because like.. I don't know. My nan isn't technically my nan because she's my mum's step mum.. but my gran divorced my grandad ages before I was born so we're related really. Just not in the blood way. Not that we're only family 'cause she have some amazing friendship, like I've said before. I just never know what to say. My gradad is really sick. He's got some form of parkinsons disease and he's not well at all at the moment. I don't know, I guess this is the time when you'd normally go up and give someone a hug but I think the only thing I said when I was there was "Bye" when we had to leave. It's not my fault though, apparently, last time we went over I started getting kinda stressed about the fact that they're my family and I can't seem to speak to them.. well, him. And she said that he's kinda difficult to talk to and that it isn't my fault, she thinks he has some kind of special needs, like John. I don't know. I don't really know anything about him, I know that things weren't happy between him and my gran for a long time before they got divorced though, because apparently they broke up for the right reasons then got back together again for the wrong reasons all the time. They weren't happy together and my mum thinks that they would have been better off finishing things when they first said they would. It's weird, you know, because growing up with that, you hate it so much, you don't understand how a couple of so called 'adults' could be so stupid... and I don't think it is just me that felt that way, because from what my mum said she seemed to pretty much think that at the time... I just don't understand how living with that she then managed to get herself into a situation that is JUST LIKE IT. But then, as I've been told a lot by two different people in the last couple of days I just don't understand things so I shouldn't comment. I just... I don't know. I'm like my mum in a lot of ways, she keeps saying so anyway... but I'm not gunna end up like this.. like my gran.. because she's all by herself and I'm not being like my mum either, because Hugh treats her SO badly.
I don't think I told you about this, sorry if I have and I'm just repeating myself but seriously . I went round to Hugh's when she went to work there earlier in the week because I didn't want to be by myself... and.. well... I don't want her to go anymore after I've been. He treats you like you're an idiot, and like you're beneath him. He talks to her like.. I don't know, the whole dirt on the bottom of your shoe thing.. and he's always saying that her work isn't good enough if one mistake has been made, one mistake that could, actually, have been made by him. I just... I know I have a lot of issues with my mum, particularly after.. well, after some things she said that I want to but can't seem to forget.. but she's my mum, and I love her.. and really, honestly, she's the only person that I've got and I don't want to let someone treat her the way that Hugh does, he was so horrible. And you know.. the worst thing? I didn't say anything. I SHOULD have said something. Why didn't I say anything?! I'm such a hyprocrite, I'm going on and on about them and everything and I didn't even stick up for her. I SHOULD have. Why didn't I? Because I'm a coward. The one time I stuck up for someone with him is when I could immediately get out afterwards. I can't... I can't be in a situation where there's like.. bad feeling. When someone's mad at me and I'm still in the same room as them.. I don't know, it's weird.. everything suddenly seems to become completely suffocating.. and I start feeling bad because I yelled even though I know I was right. Because I should have said something, and the way he treats her isn't ok. But I didn't. I couldn't. I could. I didn't. Argh.
It's just all this Christmas stuff. If he does think he's coming... do I tell him I don't want him here? I couldn't... could I? It's just.. if he's here then all mum's going to be doing is thinking about the fact that he's here and he wishes that he wasn't... but then... if he isn't here then all she's gunna think about is that he isn't here because he didn't want to be and he should want to be. So either way... Ugh. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!

And ARGH BEANIE. Yesterday I didn't feel very "chatty" on MSN so she got in a massive mood with me and then said that I hated her and why did I hate her and then blocked me and I panicked and wondered what I had done and then a couple of minutes later she unblocks me and says that she was "just joking". Yeahh. Thing is, Beanie doesn't so these things when she's "just joking" she's one of those people who shows she'd pissed at you by making jokes when she's actually serious and yes, you ARE in trouble. It's interesting when one of your best friends frankly scares the hell out of you.
So, I've had my MSN status set to "Busy" for ages 'cause I was watching LG15 and I couldn't be bothered to talk . But now I'm bored so I thought I would IM her.. first thing she says "Oh... hello Lydia" then I asked what was wrong and then she went on about OMGWhyCan'tISayHiAnymoreWhat'sWrongWithEveryone. etc etc etc.. rant rant rant.. O_o "I'm just kidding". I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS BEANIE. Not that I can actually say that. To be honest, I think she's trying to get a reaction because she's argued with Doidge and now knows that I lied to her.
Which I guess would give her a reason to be mad at me. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.
Explanation?
Ok. Doidge's party. Beanie didn't invite Doidge to her party. When Doidge's birthday comes, Doidge invites everyone in our group "social circle" except Beanie. Which you know, kinda makes sense seeing as they HATE eachother. And they never talk (why they hate eachother when they don't even have to speak to eachother I don't know). Anyway. So with Doidge's party the idea was not to tell Beanie but then Rose kinda accidently did but she still didn't appear to know that she wasn't invited. Then she came online the day of the party (obviosly I was online due to my getting "over stressed" and throwing up everywhere) and started asking lots about it and if everyone knew that she wasn't invited and that she wouldn't have gone (sure) if it was one of us and stuff. So, I lied and said "I didn't really know who was going, Doidge kept telling people they couldn't go lol". Yes, I'm mean and I should have told the truth but I'm mean and I didn't want her to have a go at me. And I didn't exactly lie.. I knew she wasn't coming but I wasn't completely sure who was beyond Rose and Kailee.
I think I was just being paranoid.
She's fine and talking about Tom now.
There is a certain person I really want to bring into the conversation then turn it around on her you know. But I'm trying really really hard not to, because it's kinda mean. Plus the whole squishing the feelings for the guy you shouldn't have feelings for thing. Talking about him doesn't help... I spose I could just subtley take the piss out of his short girlfriend..
No.
I'm shutting up now.
xxx

Ok. I've decided that I really shouldn't do posts when I'm all stupid and emotional because they make no sense and I just sound insane. Yeah.
So, now, I've decided that I'm midley sane. I only feel slightly sick and I've eaten and everything's been ok. So everything's ok from that point of view I guess. Wait another few months and the "issue" will probably be dragged up again. At least it's not weekly anymore.
I'm really not expecting you to know what the hell I'm on about. I don't even know, really.

So, today. I went down to pre-school with my mum because she was reading one of her books to the children there and she was all nervous so I said I'd go and be the sane not scared of small children one. Plus that's where I wanna do my work experience so the woman that run it actually knowing who I am didn't seem like such a bad thing. It's changed so much since mum used to work there. I used to go up there and help them set up for the week on Monday nights and everything was always kinda... disorganised. There were bad relationships with the hall commitee (I live in one of those annoying old people villages) and they basically didn't let them have any storage space or time in the main hall with the bikes. But the woman in charge now, Mel, has sorted all of that out and now the relationships between pre-school and everyone else are much better.
I've also found out that the reception teacher at my old primary school has had some kind of nervous breakdown. It's weird, because everyone says they would never have thought of that happening to him, but I can kind of see it. He was never exactly in the real world, and when you spend all your time being all.. I don't know, day dreamy I spose.. the real world is very crap and hard to deal with. Plus it didn't sound like the OFSTED people helped him much.
So I guess I haven't done anything useful with the first 'official' day of my holidays. I'm glad we went out though, because getting all scared of standing up and readin on front of everyone probably took mum's mind of Hugh for a bit. She cried about it this morning a bit. I'm doing my best to be sympathetic but back in the summer when she let him come back in I told her that this was going to happen, but she just said she didn't know how she was supposed to keep everyone happy and that I should give him a chance, because I hadn't heard how upset he was. I know how upset he made everything though, he tried to put half of it on me at one point.
That morning was horrible.
Anyway. So now we're basically back to the whole holiday situation. Because mum told him that she didn't think that he should come on holiday with us.. if you've been around a while you might remember, and now the same thing is happening with Christmas day. He said that we might aswell go and do our own different things and so mum has decided to assume that he's not coming. Which means when he inevitably thinks he's still coming and says "see you tomorow" on Chrismas eve everything will kick off. Because rather than just being like "ok" mum says she's going to say everything about what he's said and that because of all their crappy pointless arguments he isn't coming. Except she probably doesn't think thr arguments are crappy and pointless. And they're not even arguments they're.. I don't know. Hurtful comments, I guess. I think it's a power thing. Because it used to be that she relied on him for everything. That was awful. She was so sad and dissapointed all the time.. that was when she went in to hospital with the breathing/depression related stuff. She basically relied on him to be this person that he wasn't. But it's different now. It's hard to explain.. but.. I wanna explain it.
Just since the summer.. I don't know. I guess everythig that happened then has made things a lot better in some respects, because now he doesn't stay anymore mum has got a bit more power over what's going on.. and he doesn't like that. He hates it, he's started making comments about being on his own all the time because mum's decided that because of her beliefs him sleeping here isn't right. Surely he should respect that? But instead he just tried to make her feel bad about it. In the summer he made so many promises which.. GOD. EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS BULLSHIT. I just don't understand why I was the only one that could see that.

And OMG. I bet no one's gunna read this. But yesterday, we got to go up the college with John to see what the'd been doing and KEVICC, my school, john's old school.. they phoned the woman in charge of john's course and said that he should be at sixth form and that he was capable of it and that the he's too high ability for the course that he's on. THE SCHOOL DON'T KNOW HIM. The TA that he had told us too look of SDC! I'm making no sense now. But basically the school where trying to completely undermine her decision... when this was massive for her.
I think she's done the right thing. But I don't think that really counts for anything with her..
But with John, the fact is that he's not going to be able to get some high powered job. He wouldn't have been able to get through a-levels. His TA told us that Kennicott isn't made for someone like John. A lot of it is independant studies and he wouldn't be able to do that because unless he's got someone there it just doesn't work.. WE KNOW what we're doing so how is the school allowed to undermine that? What did they think they were achieving by doing that?! It's upset me because it's upset my mum.
I'm just scared that everything's going to get too much, she's got tons of work.. she's worrying about me which I HATE and Hugh.. and now this it's just :@. Argh, I'm scared but I don't think there's anything I can do. I wanna go and tell whoever made that phone call to fuck off but it was jo ramsey so I've got no idea who it would have been.
how are they allowed to do that?
They have no contact with us and they are a shitty school.
::

Ohhh. I'm annoyed at myself. Like, dissapointed kind of annoyed.
Today, as well as going in for the last day of term I should have been going in a limo after school. Though as I'm here, now that clearly isn't happening.
To say I've been freaking out a lot in the last few days in completely an understatement. There are about a million stupid things in my head annoying me that I will bore you with at a later date but OMG. I guess my insides finally got bored of it and decided to tell me that yes, I was worrying too much and yes, they were getting sick of it.
Literally.
Since last week with everything that was going on on Thursday I've sorta been freaking and I've gradually been feeling worse and worse like.. physically.. not just in myself. It's like every morning I was waking up worried about something or having dreampt about something and then the first thing that would happen is I would get a headache. Then it started to feeling sick every morning - I haven't eaten much this week. It's all annoying.
I went out last night to Totnes late night shopping with Rose and Judy. I was worried about that because whenever I'm with Rose and Judy I feel really like.. insignificant because they're both confidant/pretty/kewl and I just feel like an idiot.. not in a good way. Her nan and grandad were down aswell which made me realised how stupid and messed up my relationships with my grandparents are. I barely speak to mine and because that's how it's always been I guess I kinda of assumed most people were the same. Wrong. Rose and Judy freely talk to their grandparents.. Rose and Judy are really close.. Rose and Judy can take the piss out of their grandparents to their faces and stuff when I barely speak when I'm around mine. Whenever I'm alone with my parents parents there's just this massive awkward silence that I just feel I have to get myself out of as soon as possible. And my gran notices it aswell, that's part of the reason she doesn't want to come down and help my mum ever.. because of me. Because there is nothing to say, my gran pretty much hates everything in my life, everything I like is bad, the fact that I don't like the whole church thing is bad.. she doesn't say it but it's obvious that she thinks it. Everything that's not 100% christian and "right" is bad to her. You can imagene what she thought of The Simpsons (Yes, I actually was stupid enough to put that on). That's why she said at least now she has the oppertunity to have a relationship with Cate. Which obviously upset my mum because she thinks that that means "Ok, I'm done with you I have something better now." She follows that with saying that she knows she's being stupid and but she can't help it. Which I completely get because I say that so much. But I'm not allowed to say I get things anymore 'cause Maz made a bing thing out of putting in her msn name that I say I understand things when I don't. She doesn't get that I'm bad at showing stuff. So maybe I don't. I don't know :S.
Then there's mum and Hugh.
And I don't even remember what I was talking about.
So now mum wants to take me to a doctor.
I don't want a bloody doctor.
All they do is give me the same stupid card to go to the same crappy place in Newton Abbot to talk to the same kind of bad shoe wearing patronising twat they've sent me to before.
But it's worrying my mum so now I have to worry because I don't like it when my mum is worried. Plus she has SO much work at the moment thinking about me isn't convinient.
But then at the same time I like it when she's like this because she makes John be nice to me and it's just.. different. Well. It's ok till she starts talking about doctors.
Argh. yeah, and I remembered the other thing that's worrying me. Rose is onto me about the guy I like but was trying incredibly hard not to because of the fact that he has a girlfriend and if he didn't he'd like beanie. so now she's trying to get me to "admitt" it by talking about me all the time. Yeah. And yesterday she asked me the very subtle question "if you were gunna go out with someone in our year who would it be?.. i mean, i won't say that you fancy them or anything" and i really really really really can't be bothered with it. because if i admitt it out loud then it's harder to pretend it's not there .
and nothing would ever happen anyway.
because i don't want it to.
because i'm never, seriously, never ending up in anything remotely similar to mum and hugh.
not that [insertguysnamehere] is anything like hugh.
he's nice to his incredibly short girlfriend with the annoying bebo page.
yeah.
omg.
shutup lydia.
see what i've got myself started on now?
godddddddddddd.

There are 2 advantages to all this stuff:
Me not going in the limo means Beanie won't be all left out, 'cause I won't have gone either.

I have £3 to spend on itunes. (yay).... (!)

and I'm off school. but that doesn't count as 3 advantages because i'm not sure if being at home thinking is a good thing.
actually
it's a bad thing
this is a disadvantage.
especially 'cause i don't get to laugh at rose when her dad performs in the staff band this afternoon.
only laugh at rose tho, not her dad 'cause he scares me.
yeah.
i'm gunna go now.
x

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be able to be sure or one thing that I do. Just one thing. Actually lots of things. I'm selfish like that.

Today was embarrassing in lots of ways.
The spanish play: My sign was upside down but I didn't realise. Then my teacher (!) decided to tell me how red I was, you know, just in case I wasn't quite self concious enough.
The german blind date was fairly entertaining though.
It's not fair. When we have assemblies all we have is someone reading really bad poetry at us for ages (and I'm not Missing The Point, it really is that bad). The year 7s get mad german people. And Mr Kidd dressed up as a chav which was.. scary.

Me and Zoey are having a weird conversation.
I thought we were talking about pizzas.
Zoey didn't. O_o.

Yep. I've now had this blog for a year. I remember when I started it I didn't think that I was going to have it for very long, because whenever I try and keep diaries and stuff normally I forget about it and can't be bothered.
I guess it just makes it easier because being online I don't have to go out of my way to do it, it's just there.. and I'm better at typing than I am at writing thngs down.
It's kinda weird to think that I have put a whole year of my life onto the internet, but I guess kinda kewl at the same time .
I guess I'm sticking around then.

x

How long can I sit around doing nothing but eating mints for?

You know, I'll have had this blog for a year tomorow.
Shall I do anything to mark the occaision?

My tomorow:
Going to my dad's.
Coming home early from my dad's.
Going to a church carol service for my mum.

. Ok. I have until about 12:45 tomorow to mark the occasion.

x

It seems like a stupid little thing but I'm actually happy with myself for it. I normally just avoid these things and then come and say how mad I am on here. I didn't do it in a childish way either, I just said what I thought and as apparently he "couldn't be bothered to start this" he didn't answer. I.e I won the argument.
Explanation?
John accidently broke something in the kitchen, one of the cuboard doors fell off, it's been breaking for a while. And he said that he was really sorry and stuff and then Hugh says "Yes well sorry isn't good enough is it?" then goes off to look at it. Mum evilled him but obviously wasn't going to say anything. She just got John to come over to where we were sitting and told him quietly that sorry WAS good enough and to ignore Hugh in everything he had said and would say from then on. Rather than saying something to Hugh when it happened. So when he came back into the room I basically went over to him, close to him actually, stood in front of him and said You Shouldn't Have Said That then of course mum was trying to get me to be quiet but I said it again, and then I said if anything it was HIM who should be apologising and he can't say things like that.
And this is the girl who never says anything. I don't know why I did really, I'm normally too scared to be rude to people or anything like that. I think it's partly because the chav girls have been mean to me a couple of times in the last couple of days aswell, making comments about the fact that I don't talk much and such. I.e they don't know me and haven't bothered to get to know me so have no right to say that. (Obviously I didn't say this to them though - I don't want my face kicked in).
It feels good to say something. Rather than have to say something to someone else, or basically say what I'm annoyed about on here. Because I don't see why he should be able to say that, I can't stand it when people talk to me in the way that he spoke to John and I don't see why he should be allowed. He isn't our dad, he had that oppertunity and he's made it pretty obvious on several occaisions that he wants nothing to do with raising us, or helping us with anything. Or whatever dad's are supposed to do. I don't actually know what that is.
But yeah. I stood up to him.
Haha.
Ha.
Yay.
This will sound completely stupid to everyone else in the universe, but there's so many times in a day when I something will happen and I think I could have said something, it might have caused an argument but it would be nice to get my point of view across. I always act it out in my head afterwards, how it would of gone if I had of said something. Then obviously the promising myself that I'd say something next time, if that situation ever came again.
I don't really expect anyone to get that but.. just don't take the mick out of it. Even if it's in your head. I'm sick of people that don't know me thinking that they can just sum up my whole life in one mean comment, just because they know I'm never going to stick up for myself.
Why is it some people are able to do that, and others (people like me) just have to sit back and take it?

x

So, I survived the jab. I actually wasn't that bad at the time but earlier I wasn't feeling well... and now my arm just aches lol. It wasn't ok for some people though, a few people fainted and Ime had to go home 'cause she felt really ill, she looked terrible when she went home, I hope she's ok . I feel bad about it though, after we had the injection, Rose cried because she has this massive phobia of needles and everything, and she'd got really scared and I guess she just kind of went all Nyeahh.. . And I feel bad 'cause I just kind of freaked. I'm really bad at dealing with people when they cry, I don't know why, I just freeze up completely. Along with the fact that I can't hug people... I'm just kinda useless really. Because I don't know what to that will help, I'm bad at helping people when they're really like.. distressed all together. When things get really emotional I freak. I don't know why. I've got worse about it in the last couple of years, I can't really hug people without feeling all.. I don't know :S. It's hard to explain. But Beanie's always going about the fact that I can't hug which makes me hug me all the time and then go on about my hugs having no emotion and then saying I just don't wanna hug her.. it just makes me feel uncomfortable and bad. I can't help it. I'm just weird. And a really crap friend. I couldn't even help my best friend when she was crying .

We had to take bunny to the vet today, 'cause he's been ill the last few days aswell, he doesn't seem ill, but he won't eat anything and he's lost a bit of weight in the last couple of months, so we have some stuff to attempt to squirt into his mouth with a syringe thing. Also Smokey is gunna have to go back to the vets soon , the lump is big and it's starting to affect him, and when that starts they said we had to take him back... I don't want to. Argh. Why does it all have to be all at once?

Arghhh, I'm so worried about mum going to Farnam on Thursday. My dad is being useful for once and he said that he'd pick me up from school and stay for a bit to make sure John was ok and everything... but I'm scared he won't show up and that I'll be stuck in Totness with no way of getting home. And that would be bad because she probably won't get back till 10ish and John can't be on his own for that long, he needs to eat so he can have his tablet and go to bed. I'm just worried about her driving up there aswell. Normally when she has to do long drives I'm there aswell, she panicks easily when she's driving and I'm really, really worried about her getting up there, because I won't be there to calm her down. None of this helped by the fact that my phone seems to have died. :@. Technology is so annoying. One time I'm actually really going to need it and it's not working. I hate being worried all the time. I'm gunna be freaking in the evening aswell. I hope she doesn't get kept back and the traffics really bad and stuff because I don't want to be up for ages 'cause I'm knackered and I don't want to be on my own in charge with John for ages either. And it's all scary when he'll have gone to bed, 'cause mum's taking Barney away with her.. so I won't have him to keep me company.
Ohh .

I've made myself sad now, aswell, 'cause when I put Smokey away I had this kind of tradition thingy of going and checking both the cages.. and I did his and then got up to go and do Nugget's .

Sorry. Really, really moany post but I've felt like moaning all day, but Kailee was really happy which is good so I didn't.
x

crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrapcracpracrapcrapcrpacrpacrap!
omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomogmgomgomgomgomogmogmogmgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg!
I just rememebered
that
I have my jab tomorow
argghhhh
Scary.
I flinch so easily
so what if like
they're half way through doing it and i'm like
nyeahh go away
and then it really really hurts

help

Our work of art .
x

So, me and mum have come to the conclusion that Hugh is definatly turning into his dad. This is also not a good thing. Hugh's dad has lost it, seriously. When we went round there after the whole Hugh putting petrol in a diesel van scenario on Friday night we went around to his house and his dad invited us in and gave us hot chocolate. Then after a while he kept going on and on about religion or something and then started to act out some weird thing, my mum went over and started talking to Sylvia but he carried on acting out this thing despite the fact that no one was watching. It was weird. I was thinking maybe he'd been drinking but we don't actually think he'd had the much. Basically he has a lack of marbles upstairs. He's also really rude. While we were around there he was speaking to John about something so my mum started asking Sylvia (Hugh's mum) how she was and stuff, and as soon as she started talking he just goes "Be quiet, I'm speaking now." And mum wasn't even speaking to him. Besides the fact that you just don't say that kind of thing to people! Seriously. I'm a teenager but I'd never be that rude to someone . So yeah, I just told mum that is what she has to look forward to, because today, after a whole week of being miserable and making her feel bad, he suddenly came around today completely happy and didn't mention anything that he been happening or any of the things that he's been moaning about. Truly weird.
So I guess at least they aren't arguing anymore. Not that that changes much really, I still feel terrible. And I'm worried now aswell because I've got school tomorow. I'm sure Beanie will have found something to stress at me about and Kailee still won't be happy and won't tell me why. I know I can't get mad at her for that, I guess it's just frustrating because I thought we were getting on really well and knew eachother and stuff... and yet she doesn't feel that she can tell me anything. But I know I can't be mad about that. I just like having distractions, I spend too much time getting stuck in my own head. I guess I see people with problems and instantly latch on to them because then I don't have to think about, you know, me.
Someone said something really harsh to me tonight which made me think a lot. Like, they were critisising me, a lot. And I guess they were right really. Well, right about some things, but one thing they said I actually think that they had wrong. Well, I thought that originally but now I don't know. I think like, as far as online in chatrooms goes I'm just not going to talk about myself anymore. I've had a crappy weekend... crappy whole week to be honest and last night and today I just felt that I wanted to talk about it, and I don't really have anyone here because I can't exactly call anyone and moan at them and my mum has her own stuff to deal with so... that leave people in chatrooms. I went online and the only 2 people in the chatroom were Katie and Sammie. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the fact that Sammie was there but she does sometimes say things that get through to me so you know, I thoguht I'd speak to them.. well.. I started talking about everything and then Sammie suddenly.. left. I didn't really understand what I could have done wrong because when I went in there I made sure that they weren't talking about stuff first, otherwise I would have got that I shouldn't have said anything. It was just.. I guess, well, even online you can get these kind of intense friendships with people. And Sammie well, she's one of the people that I really can't deal with, especially lately. She was one of these people that I was originally drawn to because she was clearly unhappy. We were really close at one point but she treated me badly and... I flipped. Since then it's kind of been tip-toing around eachother. There's just.. you don't really have to spend much time around her to figure out how she works, there's certain ways that she will do things, like you know, if she doesn't make a big deal out of saying bye and you just get "bye" then instantly she leaves then basically you know that you're in trouble. And yesterday night, when I started to speak she did that and left. I will be completely truthful and say that it really suprised me. I IMed her and basically realised that she didn't like the fact that I was unhappy. It's like, it's not just the fact that she isn't happy, it's like being unhappy is her "thing" and she doesn't want other people to be because they're obviously faking it. If that makes any sense? And... I don't know, we ended up having this stupid conversation where she made me feel like I was in the wrong, as usual. So I did what I should have done all those times before and stopped the conversation. I just, I don't really understand why she feels the need to do everything that she does. I think she doesn't have power over anything so she thinks if she controls everyone online then that makes up for it. I don't understand why she does it, but I do understand how she works. Which I guess is a good thing. I just don't understand why she did that. I basically said that I needed to talk to someone, and she left.
Which pretty much sums her up really.

Right now everything I feel is kind of conflicting. I just want to run away from like, my life now because a lot of the time it seems so suffocating, but at the same time as that I'm really scared of being by myself, and feeling lonely and stuff.
Hmm. Try and work that one out eh?
I think I'm gunna go and read for a bit.
Best form of escapism right?
Night
x

Today I have spent a lot of time feeling very sorry for myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not a happy person and I have to learn to live with this fact and stop being so miserable about it.

Yeah.

I've decided that I'm going to grow my hair long again. Lg15 style. She always looks nice.

I've developed the bad habit of completely analysing myself every single time I look in the mirror.

I've learnt that I can no longer miraculously pull cds out of the middle of my cd tower without the whole thing then falling on me. Damnit.

I've cried a lot.
I've felt stupid for feeling this way.
Decided that, no, I'm not stupid. Just no one gets the fact that he was a lovely hamster and I loved him lots.
Then I went back to feeling stupid..
Because I feel guilty about him being outside in the rain and the cold.
It's making me hurt. But not like, physically. In other words I want him back.

And then right now, I'm kinda freaked out. I decided to take a picture of myself to show you what I am now, seeing as this is what we've been talking about. So I turned on my camera and the first thing it did was run out of battery. So I went into John's room and got the extension plug thing, plugged in my camera to charge it, and when I got back, everything I'd written (basically all the above, noe re-typed) had dissapeared.
No one could have been in my room to delete it because I was only in John's and that is next door. I would have heard.
Gremlins. Again.

So. Me. Now.

Who needs teddies when you have mugs?

In photos your normally pose but if you actually wanted to "know me" through a photograph then that would be the one.

This amused me today.

I'm going now.
Hugh's bought ice-cream.
Yay.

Hmm.

Diet later.

x

We just buried him. Well, mum did.
I didn't want to. I don't want him outside in the rain .. I didn't want him outside at all. I wanted him to be in here and to be ok. This isn't fair. I didn't want him to go.
It's weird. As much as I say otherwise I think I'd actually would rather be on my own when I'm upset. I've shut myself in my room and luckily mum is leaving me alone. Because I don't really want to talk to anyone. I feel bad 'cause she's upset and probably wants me to go downstairs and give her a hug but I want to stay up here. I wanna go back to bed actually. When I woke up this morning and I hadn't got up yet nothing bad had happened. I could hear mum and it sounded like she was ok and I didn't have to worry about everything at school for about a day.. but then this . And it's not even just this, this just makes everything loads worse . Not that it's his fault, he was really old.. he was 2 and a half and some vet person my mum told about him yesterday said he'd done really well. So I guess at least I don't have to feel bad about that.
I just don't like thinking about him outside in the rain and the cold even though he can't feel that or anything anymore..
And as I'm talking about stuff I might as well get started on other things. For some reason our friend group thingy has gone all weird. I don't even understand why it was perfectly find 2 weeks ago. I mean, me and Rose are fine.. and she's been really sweet to me in the last couple of days when I haven't felt happy but Beanie's gone all weird and Kailee's really miserable. Beanue shouted at me yesterday. I really can't take being yelled at and she should know that. She goes on and on about having stress problems but she doesn't even have anything to worry about, it sounded to me when we went over to her house that everything was pretty perfect but then I know I'm being unfair. I just don't see why she had to shout at me. I don't see why anyone does really. People yell at me when they don't know anything about me, they don't know what I think about them or how I react to getting yelled at. They barely even know me really, and yet they still think it's ok to have a go at me and to make me feel bad. Especially when they don't know how bad I might be feeling already. And then what makes it worse is that when I think about it, Beanie actually does know that I'm not all that happy at the moment, she's supposed to be my friend but she's yelled at me about various things so many times in the last couple of weeks, and then whenever I say anything apparently I'm just being over-sensitive. Like I can help that. And the Kailee.. she won't tell me anything. Ever. And then Beanie makes a massive thing out of the fact that she's getting told, like if we're there we're suddenly dismissed because Beanie's gunna talk to Kailee. I know I'm being stupid but I can't help it. They have loads of time when we're not there, I don't see why they can't talk about things then. And Beanie isn't exactly a great friend, because even though we don't ask she always tells us what Kailee's said afterwards. I get that I'm contradicting myself but there are lots of contradictions in this. Because I want to know, but I want to know from Kailee, not from Beanie trying to make herself feel important. Beanie's just begun to irritate me, and then whenever you say anything apparently we're jelous of the fact that she's not ugly and that she's great at art and that loads of guys like her. And that's part of what makes Kailee feel bad, I feel the same way about certain things she's told Beanie about that I'm not gunna say 'cause I'm not mean like Beanie but I can't talk to Kailee about them 'cause I don't know what to say and whenever I ask her what's wrong and don't believe her when she says nothing she says to leave her alone. She doesn't mean to upset me but it still does. And everything's all stopped making sense I know. I'm worried about next Thursday. My dad is for a change going to be helpful and give me a lift back from school which I guess is nice but that doesn't stop me from being worried about mum driving up to Farnam. She panicks and I'm worried. And then there's being on my own with John for ages. Even if dad is here for a bit Mandy won't let him stay all evening. And then there's mum's like... temperamentality. I don't know if that's a word but it sums things up. I'm reading a book called Just Listen, which sums it up perfectly. Once something like that happens once you're always looking out for signs of it happening again, even if you don't want to be and would prefer to forget the whole thing ever happened.
Argh.
I'm gunna go and make my Bebo all depressing.
It'll give me something to do.
I wish the bloody rain would stop.

Nugget's died

I had a nightmare about John last night.
Mum is really really sad because of everything and I can't help.
Hugh's still upsetting her.
She feels bad because she shouted at me this morning and I don't want her too because I don't like making people feel bad.
Sammie is going on and on at me like she knows everything so I got mad at her and now everyone's gunna ignore me again.
I don't want to go to my media lesson because i'm crap at it.
all the hosts have left. but i don't mind that much and it's weird.
i don't understand why a certain person seems to not want any contact with me anymore, when at the time things were well.. how they were with them all they went on and one about was caring about me lots but now they won't talk to me. and i can't even talk about that because the person shouldn't have been there in the first place and arghhh

Everything's so weird. I found out something tonight that's made me think a lot... At Pulse, there's this kid called Alex. He's sweet and everything but at times he can be really really difficult, a couple of weeks ago he was just really angry the whole time he was there and we didn't really know why. Then today we were talking to him and stuff and we found out his mum has cancer.. It just shocked me because.. I don't know, I just didn't think about him and his life.. and I feel bad for him 'cause I don't think he has anyone. He told us his dad lives in London and he's never mentioned having brothers or sisters.. and if you see the way he is with his friends you can tell that they don't talk about stuff. I think another reason he's like he is is that he's convinced himself that he's stupid because he got held back a year. I just told him there is no way he is stupid and stuff.. and then went on to take the mick out of myself a lot.. and I guess he seemed to cheer up after that.
Argh. Then.. just after he was speaking to us about his mum some kid fell over.. and pretended to have fit. Everyone laughed and I can garuntee this kid, Ben doesn't like me anymore. I got really mad at him, because that is a horrible thing to pretend.. it isn't funny.. he should THINK about what he might be doing and it brought it all back to the front of my mind and in the last few weeks I've had a rest from the horrible images going round my head all the time. But thanks to that stupid kid they're all back again. I actually don't care if he's only 12, he should know better.
I guess the combination of that and finding out a bit about Alex's life just sort of.. well, messed me up would be one way of putting it. I don't feel well now. And I'm worried about Alex. And I have John fitting in my mind again. The whole thing just keeps running over and over in my head and I want it to go away. I so badly wanna run away from it and forget that it ever happen.. but it's like a tape playing over and over in my mind.. there isn't a stop button. But then there isn't for Alex either, and he's only 13.. I don't know what to do. I'm gunna be more friendly anfd stuff now though, make the effort to say hi in school and stuff. They're usually not so friendly in school but I'm gunna make the effort anyway. 'Cause finding out about that made me think...
Argh. I wish I could switch off thinking. I have spanish to learn for tomorow and I can't do it when my head's like this. It's too full. However, I don't think explaining that to my spanish teacher will stop her giving me detention when I fail miserably.. again.

x

Urgh. I could actually now say I hate Christmas. Except noy, obviously because that would upset my mum. Her and Hugh's "mini" fall out is now a big fall out.
I was told everything that's happened today on the way home from school but I've kind of forgotten bits of it 'cause I got so mad. Basically he still wants to go away for Christmas. We're not stopping him, but he still won't go. Apparently it's better for him to go off and do his thing, and for us to do whatever we want. Because whenever we go out we always have to come home in time for the rallying anyway. (If you were wondering, that was him having a dig at the way John is). I told mum to say, next time he says he wants to go away "well bugger off then". I've made a concious decision that if they haven't made up by Friday, and if he says it within my earshot that that is EXACTLY what I'm going to say. Well. Fuck Off would have been the words of choice, but again, that would upset my mum so it's better not to. I'm also revising the throwing a rock through his window plan. I might write "Merry Christmas" on it. You know. To be nice. My mum didn't bring me up to be rude or anything .
I don't see why they have to fall out every Christmas though. She says don't tell him what we're doing on Christmas day so I guess there's a chance it's going to be one of those Yay They Broke Up days. Until we get home and he shows up and she lets him back in of course. Where he will then inevitably bullshit for a while, then go back to being his "lovely" self. He's been being nice for a bit and she said she was really taken in by it this time, and that she felt safe with him and like he was going to stick around... then she looked like she was going to cry again, which upset me. And, you know. Made me mad. I love the fact that no one ever listens to me. I told her ages ago that this was going to happen but as usual, I had to give him a chance and be nice. The fact is, that if she had listened to me IN THE FIRST PLACE none of this would be happening, because they never would have got back together in the first place.
Hugh has to be the most selfish person I've ever met. He could have been a dad to us, he could have been a nice person.. then him and mum might have got married and then I'd have a proper dad. But instead we're stuck with him.. and my dad. By pole dancer loving (yes, new development) brothel going in fucker arsehole wanker TWAT father. And Hugh even has the nerve to say that he is sick of doing things for other people all the time. He never does anything for anyone else! His whole fucking life revolves around him and what he wants. None of it is about us otherwise we'd.. fuck it, I'D have a dad.
.
All men do
Is let you down.
I don't even feel that I'm generalising anymore.

I hate last minute revision. Yes, I should have revised at the weekend but on Saturday I was out and on Sunday I was upset so I couldn't be bothered. Then I had half an hour after school but I didn't. Everything feels like a massive effort in the last few days, so not bothering is easier. The stupid thing is I don't know if I'm even revising for the right thing. I just went on Bitesize Physics and found something that looks a bit like what we're doing. I don't get physics. I haven't got anything that we've done for ages and I know everything I don't revise tonight is going to be in the test tomorow. And as if I wouldn't wind myself up enough if I got a U I now have to worry about it. My teacher said that she's not having anyone in her group getting Us so if anyone does she's making them do some embarassing forefit.. so now I'm really scared. I haven't got anything we've done since the last ISA. Granted, this test isn't so important, but it goes onto their records. I'm in the inbetween group so I don't know if I'm doing the higher paper of the foundation paper. In this case I really, really want to be able to do the higher. I was looking at courses at South Devon College in careers last week and the course that I need requires 5 A-C grades. With the foundation paper the maximum you can get is a C... and then there would be more pressure to get lots right and I would freak at the idea of having to get top and just.. it would go wrong. Plus I like the idea of getting a B. I'm predicted Cs in everything so I'm telling myself I have to get Bs. I'd kind of like to get an A in english, to prove myself wrong. Not gunna happen though .
Urgh. So much reading. I have too much in my head so everything I read is basically flying out of my brain. I really don't get teaching. Ok, I guess if everyone is sat with their friends then they talk more, but when I'm sat with people that I know I actually do more work. Because where I'm sat in science at the moment is SO boring. When I'm bored my mind wanders, when I'm sat with Jemma she doesn't give me much choice but to listen, because she doesn't want to explain it all to me 5 minutes later... but when I'm sat with Jemma I don't have to worry so much because I do know that she's there to ask if I'm like :S when miss is done talking.
The thing is, with science revision you don't know exactly what you're supposed to be revising. I don't know if it's everything that we've done so far this year, or everything that we've done since the ISA. Argh. I don't see why she can't just know how I'm doing with my school work. I hate tests. Especially ones I haven't revised for. Especially when I'm worrying lots. And especially when everyone is going to do better than me and if I get a U she's going to make me do something embarassing. I was only 2 grades away from a U last time . *Worries*
This is so boring. It's all environment stuff and how we should be preserving energy. I don't know. I guess gerothermal whatever isn't that big of an interest for me. I wish they would kind of put science in the sense of every day life. Like... I don't know. Just some way of explaining it so I would think of it in that way and then understand it. Rather than just be sat there clueless all the time. Clueless and worried.

Nugget (hamster) is still the same . I don't know what's going on really. I kind of want to take him to the vet seeing as nothing's.. happening but then I don't because the last one I took to the vet before she died.. well the vet dropped her and then she died in my hand on the way home.. which was horrible 'cause you like.. completely feel it. Anyway, I shouldn't have out her through all that and I don't want to have to do the same thing to him.. . Ohh. I love him to bits, he's all lovely and fluffy and everything.. I don't want him to go.. We keep giving him cucumber, because he hasn't come out of his house thing to get any water.. and cucumber has a lot of water in it. I think I'm coming across to my mum like I don't care anymore. I really do and it's hurting my stomach and stuff... but I can't get all emotional and stuff again because I don't like getting like that. And last night was all scary so I don't want to upset her again.

Mum cried last night. I hate it when people cry because I never quite know what to do. Give them a hug I guess, but then I'm kind of weird about hugging. Hugh and her have fallen out. They normally do a lot around Christmas but that doesn't stop it bothering me. He's always weird around Christmas, he never wants to be here. He is constantly going on about us holding him back and him wishing that he was in Australia. He has been to Australia ONCE in 20 years for Christmas. They have been together 10 years. Yeah. It's all our fault. . And then there's the whole Christmas Day thing. For the last four years we've barely seen mum all day 'cause she's been out in the kitchen cooking for his parents. Then there's the fact that we're stuck with his parents for most of the day. His dad has to be the most boring person in the universe.. and his mum makes me on edge. To be honest, both of them do. And mum's always all stressed because she's worrying about Hugh not wanting to be here, she's not wanting his parents to be here and she's just... not enjoying herself. So this year I think the plan was we go to some church in the middle of Dartmoor (not my idea of fun, but hopefully it'll make her happy). And Hugh said that he wanted to take us to dinner somewhere in the evening. Fine. THEN he goes and says that we should go around to his parents for the day and that they should come out with us in the evening. NO. Mum says no, because she wanted a more relaxing Christmas than we normally have. Hugh gets nasty, and we do the whole leaving the phone off the hook for hours thing, so that he can't call. I basically ended up saying that whenever anyone else comes in, everything gets all screwed up. I'm not helping and I know it, whenever I get the chance I'm saying about the few days in the summer when I thought we were going to get to have Christmas just us. 'Cause I can tell you honestly, when we got there and there was the realisation that we done it, we'd gone with out him and it was over ("over" ha..) the first thing I thought was Ooooh, We Get To Have A Nice Christmas!.
So much for that.
I think I know what I'm getting for John now though...

I got 3 out of 10 on the Bitesize test.
Great.

Hammy is still the same. I don't know how long this is going to go on for. I thought he'd gone this morning when I went downstairs but then when I stroked him he tried to bite me.. it scared me and made me cry.. again. I know you don't get it unless you've had one.. but you do get really attached and everything.. .
Oh nooo. I'm really panicking now. Robyn's coming down. And it's not like it's even a just don't go to Totnes for a while thing it's an actual can't get out of seeing her thing. She's going to come into school and see everyone... and even if I manage to avoid her she'll tell everyone I'm horrible and then I'll just have "How come you're not talking to Robyn?" every 5 seconds for the rest of the day and then I won't be anonymous and stuff. I like being invisible. It means no one talks about you and you can be happy and invisible. I don't want to do anything to draw attention to myself. 'Cause if you're quiet and everything like me then the chavs leave you alone. And I like them leaving me alone and I don't want Robyn to come and mess that all up. I've changed so much since she left, everything has been so much better since she left and I don't want her to come and mess all that up. I'm happier since she left and I have friends since she left, people actually like me and it's not just because I'm Robyn's Friend. It's because they talked to me and everything. She made me so miserable and I would never have sent her the e mail I sent her if I ever thought that I was going to see her again. Because the e mail I sent was really harsh. But I'm not sorry. And she made Ime think that it was her fault!. Ohhh.. help .
Explanatin needed? I think so. Basically when I went to secondry school I had no friends. Everything went wrong at my primary school so even when I got sent to a different school from all of them... it didn't make any difference. Either way I had no friends. When I got there the first person I met was Robyn.. whose best friend (slave) was Rose. She told me some story about how she "svaed" Rose from Karly and then everything was ok for a couple of days and I hung out with them. Then I started getting on really well with Rose.. then Robyn started making everyone run away from me. Every break/lunch for a few days they'd all run away and everything. I guess I knew me and Rose were going to get on really well when she stopped and stayed with me, even though it pissed off Robyn a lot. From there.. well.. I know this sounds cheesy and stupid but she basically destroyed evey bit of confidence I had in myself. Everything I did she took the mick out of.. after a while I could barely talk and worried about what my hair was like.. I couldn't even wave to people! I was worried about what I looked like when i waved to people for about a year. Yes. Stupid. Ridiculous. Then... well, she basically started falling out with me once of twice a week. I don't even remember what it was about most of the time now but she always was mad at me and stopped speaking to me and a lot of the time I didn't know why. I remember loosing my temper with her once or twice. Then summer came and she was supposed to move away. I didn't see her to say bye and anything. Next thing I know I'm getting a phone call from Rose saying it's all fallen through and she's staying. It's weird, but I'm kind of glad because she is my friend.. despite all the weird stuff.
Year 8. Oh my god. I don't know how long it was into term when it all started again. Except this time worse. She got this crush on this guy called Bill... a guy I at that point barely knew. After a while this whole Bill thing was an obsession. I don't remember exactly the first time it happened but like.. we ended up spending more time with this guy.. so I started talking to him sometimes.. lol, I guess we were kind of friends at that point. Then.. she flipped. For some reason I wasn't allowed to talk to him anymore or anything. Everytime I spoke to him I was being a slut etc etc.. then she wouldn't talk to me... this happened with another she liked I was friends with aswell.. every single day.. she fell out with me when one of the guys smacked me in the head with a book once. . That's the time I found it funny.
Then.. I don't know. I guess it got more serious in the sense that she got some other people involved.. other people that still hate me now lol. God, she started falling out with me before I'd even see her in the day.
Me: hi robyn
*silence*
Me.. Hi robyn
*silence*
Me: -look at rose- umm
Robyn: Rose, don't say anything, she has to work it out for herself
Me: what..?
*rolls eyes at me*
Rose: um
Robyn: SHE HAS TO WORK IT OUT FOR HERSELF
Me: have I done something..?
Robyn: *gives rose a "knowing" look*
me: er.. sorry?
Robyn: you're not. you don't even know what you've done wrong
me: I haven't done anything..?
Robyn: *rolls eyes* right.
me: what have I done?
*silence*
-bell goes-
me: see you later then..

For whole days. My god. I spent most of year 8 trying to work out what I'd done wrong. It doesn't sound that serious but at the time it wa for me. I seriously freak when people are cross with me or I've upset them.. and not knowing what the hell was going on most of the time was upsetting.

Then... end of year 8.. she left. I stayed in contact. Things were weird though. I was begining to think that Rose didn't actually like me and was hating everything since Robyn left. I'd be talking to Robyn about something that was happening at school.. or something that me and Rose had done and Robyn would start telling me how crap Rose thought it was.. when to me she'd said it was good and stuff.. I started getting really paranoid that I was boring and stuff.. eventually I did the thing I should have done in the first place.. I was talking about something I liked and then I said something about Oh Sorry... Rose utterly confused. I end up asking about stuff and she got really upset. She looked really mad.. and Rose doesn't get like that. I didn't know her to at that point anyway... then we kind of peiced things together. I started talking about all the things that she had said to me. It's just... . It was really confusing. I never mentioned to robyn that i'd worked things out but she did it so much I started realising how rediculous this was. Then I think I said actually.... I remember e mailing her and saying basically "fuck off" and a load of other stuff after she.. a. tried to make things awakward for me by telling loads of people that I liked a guy I didn't like.. a guy that would have got everyone taking the mick and leaving me on my own with him.. a guy i got on well with but felt I had to avoid from then on... then b... I found someone's bebo and for some reason told her. I made her promise not to comment 'cause this was someone i'd managed to avoid for like a year and wasn't about to get back into contact with now.. she left him a comment being really harsh and saying stuff about me etc..
Then I flipped and e mailed her that she was a bitch and I hated her etc etc.
arghhh i want her to go away
i don't want any of her stupid attention on me
i just want my mum to let me have th day off on that dayy
i wish rose could just tell her no to coming to school, but she can't it'd be awkward. and i can't put her in the robyn or me situation.. that's too mean. i just wish someone would be like "leave her alone" for me.. but no one's going to be because i don't have that person in my life..

My other hamster is dying