Angst? Me? Never.

My arms randomly ache. It's annoying and it gets worse as I type. This kind of thing sometimes happens when I've been online for ages but I can only have been on 10 minutes. And I've just been sat here reading for all that anyway.
Argh. Good day I guess. I'm all moodswings at the moment so if I'm up then I'm going to be really up so when I'm down.. well, it's obvious really. Media is still all weird. I gave in my essay and he didn't instantly look like he was going to throw up/me out of the class so I guess I should take that as a good thing.
PE is turning into a bit of a nightmare aswell. Well, "nightmare". It's PE, it was anyway. But today, I was with Scarlett, Chloe, Doidge, Kelly and Jess W. You'd think out of all those people I would find one person that I could talk to. But no. For a start our twat of a PE teacher had a switching around every 5 seconds so we had about a million different partners... and everyone obvious visably winced when they had me. I knew even Kelly would rather have been with Scarlett & Chloe. And PE is kind of a KirstyJess lesson... so I was left on my own to take the piss out of the guys I was working with in my head. I always seem to end up with this guy, Adam, in my badminton group. He's one of those weird people that actually tries in PE. He also used to cry a lot when he didn't get As in school. I don't think he does that anymore. And then there was this other guy, who like me obvious had to I'm Just Going To Stand Here Don't Bother Me opinion I had.. Then there was something other weird guy with glasses. I decided to call him Gordon. Me and Gordon didn't speak. If we had, I know he would either have told me to go away, or he would have attempted to make awakward conversation with me until I found some kind of excuse to get out of there as quick as I could. I was going to say and he would have thought I was weird. But actually, he would have thought that anyway because somehow I can stare intently into space in badminton, still hit the thingy when it flies towards me without stopping staring into space. Well. Apart from the time it hit me in the face.
And omg. While I'm on the subject of this there is this one guy I keep seeing around who always looks SO miserable. I seriously don't know what is wrong with him, he's never happy. Or he laughs and then he see's someone is looking and he instantly starts frowning again. . I don't get that. Hmm. Maybe he's scared of getting wrinkles.
And what else happened today... Ahh. I managed to throw my phone across the RE room at lunchtime. Rose does this thing where she makes a big deal of snapping her phone shut. I tried to do it, to take the mick out of her. Somehow my phone left my hand and flew across the room.
Jemma said hanging out with us was Interesting.
I'm begining to realise that I can make people laugh. Generally at me. But I guess it's still a good thing. Or could be anyway.
Except it's kind of annoying 'cause they carry on laughing when you tell them to shut up.
I think I might be starting to get a bit sick of being an idiot all the time.
It's a gift. I don't even have to try.
Lucky me.
Who cares about essay writing. I'll fall over or something so you can laugh at me instead .
.

I finally finished my essay . Which is actually really good seeing as it's in for tomorow. I hope he likes it and everything 'cause I actually tried really hard this time. I mean, with my english essay if I do crap I'll admitt that I deserve it because I didn't read the book... but with the media one I've just done I spent a long time even though I couldn't be bothered and it makes me all depressed 'cause my writing is so bad. The whole thing was explaining things and I'm terrible at that. I can just about explain myself on here... but then when it comes to essays and stuff I can't just write like I think. I have to be all posh and everything and it's just.. not my thing I guess.
My god. Something has clearly happened in chat in the days I haven't been there 'cause I've come in and everyone's left. Charming. Actually I think 2 people are going to start ranting or something. I guess I get why that meant that people left 'cause when those to get started they seriously never shut up again. I know it's mean but I really can't be bothered to speak to them either. But then I'm not actually speaking to them. I'm doing this. So I guess either way I'm not actually having a problem.
I'm doing a new thing where I don't create problems for myself out of nothing.
I have to stop saying "I know how you feel". Because I think I now how I'd feel in the situation. And that isn't knowing how the other person feels. And me saying that probably irritates them. :S Sorry. I'm having one of those days where I don't really know what I'm going on about really. I completely didn't help a situation today. Sophie's cheated on her boyfriend twice and when she asked me what would happen when she told him I basically told her the outlook wasn't good. I don't know what I was thinking really. I wasn't simpathetic or anything. I guess at that point I was thinking "why?" and "omg you kissed tom c.v (more commanly known as Pasta Boy). But then Doidge got all upset. 'Cause she cheated on one of her exes and then she was upset that I was like :O at Sophie. Then I said don't listen to me 'cause I don't know what I'm talking about and i'm in a really bad mood.
Euuurgh.
Went back to the vets.
Hammy has about 2 weeks left probably
Argh.
Sorry.
This post is stupid and random.
And I have to stop thinking about hamster thing. 'Cause it makes my cry lots and then mum will come upstairs and she already saw my cry earlier and I hate people seeing me like that and ARGHit'snotfair. He's ok apart from this big lump.. and i'm gunna have to let some vet kill him..
Ohh.
I've started myself off.
Ok.
I'm going.
NOW.

Today was ok. Yesterday was bad. Now I feel terrible, I reallyyy need my period to come. And ew, I know. I don't normally talk about that. But in the new seating plan in maths the 2 guys I'm sat near were talking about how many erections they have per day/week. So I don't think me saying that is actually that bad. And it's true, I do usually feel better the week after. I feel terrible at the moment. I'm all stupid and emotional. And I actually threw all my dinner on the floor. I didn't mean to. I was all annoyed/frustrated/amigunnacryorlaugh about my essay which still isn't finished. I can't explain my point and after being sat down for ages (half an hour. But I was upset. Ages.) And then I was all upset and then I had my dinner and then next minute it was all over the floor. My mum was really good about it when I explained. Apparently it's my turn to become a complete idiot about everything for a few weeks.
Anyway, yesterday. Parents evenings went ok. I mean, none of the bad stuff really got said which was good. And I've calmed down a lot since the begining of term. I guess after summer not being exactly relaxing I wasn't really doing much. And I was kind of taking it out on my english teacher a bit. She is an idiot and a crap teacher, but I guess she could do with one less person in the class telling her all the time. Plus I've been barely speaking for ages because of being sat next the scary (terrifying hates me) Dilys. How someone called Dilys can be scary I don't know. But she seems to manage it. And then there was the media one. I don't know, there's something weird about the guy that teaches it, Rose mentioned it today, which I'm kind of glad about 'cause I thought it was just me being weird. He's not like a teach. He's really relaxed with everyone and stuff. And it's just not like a teacher.. he's one of the people I can't make eye contact with 'cause it's scary. I'm weird like that, some people I meet and something about them means that I'm never going to be able to speak to them properly and eye contact with them completely freaks me out. So I guess Rose commenting on it made me feel slightly more normal.
Hmm. I've forgotten what I was talking about. And I don't want to read over what I've already written. 'Cause then it's like something I've had to think about loads and make it make sense and stuff. And my brain doesn't make sense. Ever. It just contradicts itself all the time. Hmm.. it'd be kewl if someone lived inside my brain for a day then they might get me a bit. And that would be easier 'cause they'd just know. So then I wouldn't have to explain myself when someone actually asks. Because then when people do ask I freak out. Which is weird, 'cause I can talk about other people fine. I've been talking about John a lot recently, sort of explaining about him. I don't know why really, just things keep coming up. And people keep saying a word I don't like and have finally started saying something about when people say it. I don't know why I didn't before. But still. I am now. And people are interested. It's weird.. people aren't normally that interested in me lol, but I can explain a bit about John and I don't feel shy, because I'm explaining about that.. not talking about me. Wanting to talk about me comes at the weirdest times. Sometimes I'm mucking around being and idiot with someone.. normally Kailee and then I suddenly wanna talk about something that's been on my mind... and they don't wanna know then obviously, because we're supposed to be having fun so me going into moan mode is weird. But then there's other times, when like for ages I just want someone to be interested and Beanie will be all "I'm worried about you" etcetc. And then I don't think anything's actually wrong and I just read way to much into every single thing that happens to me. Actually I'm begining to think that is what I do. And this whole thing is pointless because it's me moaning about unimportant things. When I should be trying to help people with important things. But then sometimes I know what to say. But then when it's really important I don't know what to do and freak out. It's like the weird thing with me being unable to hug.
OMGSHUTUPLYDIA. Sorry. Like I said. Hormones. Well. I didn't say that but it was pretty obvious tbh. Well. I hope it was. It would be if you'd learnt the science sheet I learned because I was told it was everything I needed to know for my test but then nothing on the sheet was in the test. Yes. I AM still annoyed about that.
We have ice cream in our house. I really wanna go and eat some but I feel ill. But then that's also because of it being around "that time".
Men have it so easy.
AND THEN they have the nerve to take the mick out of hormones and stuff.
Seriously. No offence guys but you couldn't handle being a woman.
And stop talking about erections when I'm around.
This has happened more than once.
Last time it was after another 80s sex ed. video.
My mood has got really weird.
I think I should go now really.
I'm going to see Alice In Wonderland tomorow with Rose & Kailee. Mum & John are going aswell 'cause I thought it would a good idea. Though I've told them I'm not sitting with them. She was kewl about it. She's being really sweet to me at the moment. Which is making me feel really bad for when things are bad and I say so. She's putting up with me and everything. Arghh I'm so frikkin useless for her :@.
Anyway, Alice In Wonderland. We were going to throw thongs at Beanie afterwards but she doesn't want us to. I wonder if it'll be good. I mean, I know Beanie will be great and everything but she said the year 8 kid playing Alice hasn't learnt her lines..
Ahh well. I hope John will be around talking to his rather extremely hot friend.
I need to make an effort tomorow night.
You know.
Just in case.

Hormones
x

Argh. I should have posted half an hour ago when I was planning to. I was pretty happy then. Well, happy but with a bit of nervousness. I have an essay to write. Or, as it actually is.. an essay I can't write and don't want to try to write. Because even when I do try everyon else's is always better then mine. And we have one of these teachers that supposedly likes everyone but doesn't like me. That's the impression I get anyway. But then I'm not very good with nice teachers in general. I don't know why, just sort of happens.
I still have an english essay I should have handed in over 2 weeks ago. I've done it, but what I've written is terrible, and it's my fault because I didn't read the book. But just so far this term I can't be bothered with any of it. Because even when I do try everyone else is always better than me. Especially in english . Somehow I've ended up in top set and everyone in there is really good at writing. She goes around picking random people to read out their work (hasn't happened to me yet thank god.. but I'm still worried) and everytime the person reads out what they've done it's always really good. And she's one of those annoying teachers who doesn't take no for an answer. But then at the same time as that she's ok, she let me move nearer Kailee because I kind of explained the person she'd sat me next to doesn't like me.
Doesn't like me is an understatement. She's hated me since year 7 and I don't know why... we never really talk that much. But then year 7 was a nightmare anyway .
I just.. . I'm feeling all sick and stuff because I'm so worried about this stupid essay. I have actually startedit. When I came online I decided I'd work from 10 till 12. It's nearly 10.25 and I've written one line. And I'm out quite a bit this week. And I only have till Friday to finish.
14 Paragraphs.
I guess I should have started earlier but I was avoiding it because of having to feel like this.
I kind of regret taking media.
I thought it was going to be fun but to be honest it just worries me .
I hate school.
I hate year 10.
And I hate my stupid brain for not being clever enough :@
x

Mum is a bit better today, at the moment anyway. She's decided that if she has to get a job what she really wants to do is help people, so I think we're going to go down to the job centre again at some point and look at things like social work and helping people with special needs. I think it's a good thing that she wants to help people and everything, but I did point out to her that it's going to be stressful. Because if she's out all day helping someone with a lot of problems, then comes home to John being in a bad mood.. I don't know, I guess it just could be a bit much for her . Hugh didn't help last night either, he was mean to her. She was talking about work and money and everything and he said that we should move in with him.. but she doesn't want to do that, she's a christian and she doesn't want to live with a man she isn't married to, so that wouldn't work and he knows it. That's why he doesn't stay the night anymore. Then apparenly he said that the whole thing comes down to their relationship being a bit of a dead end. Which REALLY annoys me. She ended the whole thing in the summer, but he couldn't just leave us alone. Those few days we had where we thought he wasn't ever coming back were amazing, it was like this whole weight had been lifted.. but then he came back. Coming back was his decision so he has no right to say anything about the relationship being pointless. And us living with him? Yeah, that's really gunna work . He doesn't want dogs hairs in his house and there is no way we're getting rid of Barney.. he doesn't like me and John being around and she's hardly going to move in with him and leave us behind is she? If we lived with him we wouldn't be allowed to touch anything and we'd never have anything to do. Plus his parents (the most boring people on earth) come in all the time and don't go for several hours. Once his dad kept me talking for an hour telling me about something to do with rocks. Yes, rocks... see my point? It wouldn't work and he knows it, he acts like everything he's doing is for us when it's obvious it's all for him. He's just like dad, they don't think about anything apart from themseleves. They build this perfect life for themseleves with the woman that they're with but conveniantly forget the thing about the fact that.. yes, we DO exist.
Ohh. I've forgotten what I was actually going to write about.
I'm the opposite of Hugh & Dad & Mandy though. My idea in my head is kewl . I have a step-dad who likes me lol, and is like a dad.. an older brother & sister 'cause then I don't have to be the oldest all the time.. and a younger toddler, 'cause mum loves small kids and so do it . Having an older brother would be good for John aswell, because then he'd have someone to take him to see cars and stuff, 'cause dad never does anymore.. since he married Mandy actually...
Haha, and I forgot to say on here. I got a report thing from school a couple of weeks ago.. I think my dad wants me to be a chav lol . I was kind of proud of the fact that I'd done well because I thought I was doing really badly this term.. when I saw my dad he just said "Oh, got another typically boring report from you Lydia." ¬_¬. I know you're thinking "He was joking get over it" But he wasn't 'cause he didn't laugh... lol. Ahh well. There's not much point in caring about what he thinks, because if he had his way I'd be of the sport peope. (Me playing football is embarassing to watch). But I don't mind that I'm not him. The photographs of him when he was my age are terrifying :-X.

Firstly.. I'm not being rude but it's all gone weird and it won't let me answer comments anyway.. sorry xx

Mum's all sad. I don't know what to do really, 'cause I can't solve everything. She's just all dispondent because one of the latest people she sent something off to said the book "wasn't right for them". I don't know why she doesn't get lots of work though, because she honestly is good at what she does. She's an amazing write.. just not very well heard of, and the small publisher she works for are all christian books only. It's not exactly big scale.. and then the other guy she works for doesn't seem to want to put her name on anything she does so we still end up getting no where. I don't know what to do to help, I tried to be positive but then she said we're just one of those families that's never going to get anywhere. She's been really sweet to me in the last few days.. well, apart from when she's gone nuts about things but that's normal I guess. She gets really angry really easily. I just feel bad 'cause there's nothing I can do.. but at the same time as that the other weekend when she felt all bad everything got horrible and she said some really scary stuff.. and now whenever she gets mad.. which I hate anyway.. I'm scared about what she might say. Everything she said made me feel kinda worthless.. as well as kind of shocked that she actually felt that way. I just.. I know this sounds selfish and stuff but everything she's dealing with I'm dealing with aswell but I'm not screaming at her every 5 seconds. But maybe that's just 'cause I don't yell at people in an angry way.
Though I kind of had to yell at a coupe of the year 7s in Pulse yesterday, they ran out of the youth club and were running into town and it was kind of scary 'cause me and Rose were meant to have been looking after them when it happened. We were looking after them, they just suddenly took off.. and that wasn't helped by one of the ladies there.. she snapped at me a couple of times about different things. I'm doing my best.. I'm just bad at this stuff.
I'm worried about tomorow . I have a day off school and have to go to town with mum 'cause I need some new clothes.. and we have to do Sainsburys and everything. I don't like going shopping anyway.. I don't like going with John 'cause I like to take time and he always gets in a massive mood and makes me rush and panick and stuff and then mum makes me hang around waiting for him in a games shop for ages.. and then I'm not allowed to rush him despite the fact that he rushed me then I get annoyed and she yells at me and ARGH.
But I guess that might not happen.
Maybe she'll feel better tomorow, I hope so.. it worries me when she's like this.
Especially with what she said time. 'Cause that took it too far.
I wish people wouldn't tell me the stuff that they do sometimes.
A lot of the time.
All the time.
NOT getting really depressed though.
*happy music*

x

Ok, so my last few days online have been weird. I've been spending too much time in AOL chatrooms for over a year now.. and you do develop pretty strong friendships with people in the end, you can't help it really. I've had three pretty good friendships, you know, really clicking with a person and then talking every day. Jonny, Beth.. then Mike. It's weird, me and Mike got on sooo well, but I've barely spoken to him in the last few weeks. Josh left AOL so he's only ever on MSN now. There is so much utter CRAP going on on AOL I don't blame him really.
Anyway, basically, because of some "situations" (yes, very, very pathetic) online all there has been in the last few days is people being really angry and arguing. And you know, it's weird when you're the only person that really doesn't care that much. Because you see things so resonably, you actually see how everything is 'cause the high emotions don't get in the way. In the end I said how it was.. I got yelled at by a couple of people 'cause apprently I was taking sides... lol. I guess just seeing other people being like.. that, made me think about me. 'Cause like, I've never liked anything much about myself but right now I really don't. When I was little I made up these other people and gave them other lives in my head, 'cause I preferred that to being me. I still do it, all the time lol. I can't just sit here and be me, unless I'm writing this. I can't just be sat down being me being sat down. I have to make up something else in my head because then I'm not me.. and I look nice when I don't look like me. Which I know is silly but it's something that really bothers me. So I guess the only time when I sit down and think about my life is when I sit down and write this. Which I'm not doing so much anymore either. I don't know why really, I was really into it at one point, I'm just kind of.. numb, I guess, at the moment. So I don't think writing will help. Maybe it will.. I don't know, it's helping me sort my head out tonight though. Also, sorry, because I haven't been reading anyone's blogs for ages, I mean to.. I just keep not getting around to it.
So right now, I'm reading an anger managment site. Which is weird, because I don't tell people when I'm mad. But I do yell at John, a lot. And it isn't fair, so I'm going to try and learn how to not yell at him. When I think about it we're pretty similar really. He takes everything out on me, and right now, I'm doing exactly the same thing to him. So I'm going to learn to stop doing it. But the site I'm on is rubbish. It just says You Have To Learn To Deal With It, but then doesn't tell you how. Apprently I'm not supposed to Repress My Anger. But how is not repressing your anger not yelling at someone? You're not allowed to yell but you're not allowed to keep quiet either?
It also says you should give up any idea about things being different from how they are.
Well that's stupid. Thinking about making my life different from how it is is what keeps me going a lot of the time, and I know I'm not the only person who thinks that. Lol, you can't just be like "oh well" about everything, no one would ever do anything O_o.
Okay, so, all my problems are based around the fact that I can't except things as they are, apprently I'm not allowed to put it down to the fact that I know a lot of annoying people . (dammit, there goes my excuse...)
So. I have to completely give up thinking about making myself better because it's making me angry and making me be mean to my brother.. (what's his excuse?)..
Lol, like that's going to happen.
Ok, moving on to my other problem. I have extreme nervous-ness atm. Like, I'm jumping at my own shadow.. I keep getting paranoid something bad's going to happen. And I'm just.. I don't know. It's weird and I can't reallt describe how it makes me feel :S.
Omg. Ha, a weird thing that's been happening lately is normal for how I'm feel apprently. I keep getting this thing where I freak about something and then like... I get too hot and my skin prickles. It's horrible . That's normal apprently.
This is scary.
Eh. I'm a normal teenager.

Sensations
Tense muscles lead to increased fidgeting, prickling sensations in the skin and stiffness in the joints. There may be unpleasant sensations in the solar plexus region, headaches and aching elsewhere in the body.

Imagery
When we are anxious our mind often produces sharp flashes of imagination (e.g. of us in a feared situation such as an exam) with pessimistic overtones. These can be very vivid and disturbing.

Thoughts
Anxiety tends to increase the amount of thinking we do in the area of concern. Usually the thoughts are selective - isolating and magnifying the worst aspects of the feared situation.

(Lol, anyone who's read this more than once )

Relations with Others
Two opposing tendencies may be experienced here. Anxious people can isolate themselves and withdraw from other people. Alternatively there can be increased dependence upon others - such as asking repetitive questions, looking for reassurance, or just needing to be in the presence of others to bring about calm. (the second one.. I can't be isolated, I hate it)

Activities
We either become more frenetic and over-active or else more commonly we avoid the source of the worry entirely - sometimes even to the extent of not even allowing ourselves to think or imagine the worry. For example a person who is worried about speaking in a tutorial may decide not only to not do this, but also avoid imagining doing it and may even hide all the lecture notes associated with the subject of the tutorial. (Ok, I kind of do this. I don't refuse to talk about something with my mum if it's worrying me. Mostly it's school at the moment. "Have you done your homework" me:notyetok? "When are you going to do it?" Me:LATER!!!!. Lol )

Feelings
Hard to capture in words but usually described as uncomfortable, pressured feelings with a keen edge to them. Such feelings interfere with everyday activity and take away the fun in life. (That's a difficult one, most of the time when I'm with my friends I'm a different person then when I'm at home. When there's lots going on that's when I'm happiest, because it doesn't really give me the chance to freak out about anything.. but lately I'm being a bit weird appaently. If what Beanie's saying is anything to go by.)

I just don't know . This is all normal I guess. I just wish it would go away. People, well, my mum, keep going on at me about how great it is being young. But it isn't, 'cause all you get told is "Oh, that'll get better as you get older" (I'm talking about confidence issues btw) O_o.

Anyway, as I'm apparently making myself ill through lack of sleep I have to go and make myself sleep now.

One more thing.. how can I make my mum go to the doctor? She's underweight and she seems to feel ill all the time. She's been to the doctor before but they said there's nothing wrong. There is something wrong, this isn't normal

x

It's weird. There's something you knew that you never really thought about, not as in how it affected you anyway... but then you do think, and you want to talk about it more. You think about what you could have had, and maybe what your life would be like now if you did have it. You kind of want that life instead of yours. But then that life is a bit of a wildcard, because if it was there then it might all have gone wrong by now anyway. But still, there's always something that you want, but you can't have, isn't there. But then when you realise... that you could have had it, but it didn't end up that way... does that make everything more serious? Why did that get taken away from me.. from all of us? Why did it happen? I wouldn't have been on my own.
I wonder if she still thinks about it. She must do really, it's not like it's something you could jusr forget. But then, maybe you have to. I guess it must be something you have to. Strange she never really talks about it. Maybe she isn't thinking about it like I am now.
I'm feeling loss for something I wasn't even around. But I could have had everything that I want in my mind, ok, dad still would have left, Hugh would still be here and mum would still feel all screwed up and John would still be John.. I wouldn't change him. But... I wouldn't be on my own.
I can't ask her about it. It could really be hurting her. But she's not the type to keep quiet about things, she talks to me about everything, no matter what it's going to do... so I don't see how this could be any different.
NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME WHEN I NEED THEM TO
CAN SOMEONE
JUST
FUCKING
LISTEN
Stupid ARGH. I've listened to them so much but whenever it's me I always get ignored. They arre supposed to be friends, I've sat up for hours with jesse before when she's been telling me that she's going to kill herself as soon as she goes offline, and worried about her loads... and she won't even listen to me. Sammie doesn't care, Sammie only cares about Sammie so that's no exactly suprising. I just need SOMETHING FROM SOMEONE. And I get NOTHING.
I can't fix myself on this one.
Or on any of them.
I'd just like someone to sit down with me and be interested in ME. Not only interested until they're ok and don't need me anymore. I wanna tell them all but I can't. 'Cause I'm so PATHETIC.
What is the point? What is actually.. the point? 'Cause I'm SERIOUSLY missing it here.

Kailee rocks <3

I don't know what Rose was in the middle of saying to me

Beanie lurrvveeesss him. They'd better work out after she ditched me for him on my birthday :O!

GINGAZ everyone was scared

Kailee did them in permernant marker, she kept brushing her hair out of her eyes and everytime she did she got weird greyey blue streaks across her forehead [[[[:

no i'm not sharing

xxx

Getting ill the day after my birthday. SO typical of me. Feeling a lot better today, but I was really ill yesterday. Sickness bugs suck . I couldn't go to the cinema so I had to tell my friends I wasn't showing up to my own birthday thing. Rose & Beanie didn't go but I haven't heard from Kailee, I kinda hope she went because her guina pig died that morning and seeing a film might have taken her mind off it for a bit. I really hope she got my message . But even if she didn't I don't have to worry about it till Tuesday, mum says I'm having tomorow off. Hopefully it'll be relaxing, but I don't know... that's John's day off college and he probably won't like me being at home. So it'll either be kewl or I'll be wishing I was at school (yes it is actually that bad when he's moody).
While I'm on the subject of John. We now have another thing to worry about, he thinks he's bisexual. Not that this is a bad thing, but y'know, it's John. It's hard. I don't think he wants anyone to know, but at the same time I don't know if he'd talk about it if he thought it'd make him look kewl. Thing is, we want him to know it isn't anything to be ashamed of, but at the same time, telling loads of people isn't a good idea. Nothing bad can happen to John, it just can't. I don't want him to end up getting hurt... and I don't want anyone to take advantage of him.
It's hard, because now he's catching up with people his age, emotionally I mean.. it's difficult. He can't create a social life, it's just part of it, and we don't know how to organise it. I guess we have to try and get him and Jess together more often. It's just the time, because mum has to work and I don't think he knows that I know about it. I think he thought I was asleep when he told mum. Hmmm... I don't know. Because there's the chance that he isn't bi at all. Because he gets these obsessions over things/people it could just be that. Because there's a difference between admiring someone for something they do and well.. fancying them. I wish I knew what was going on in his head. I just... don't want him to end up getting hurt by someone.
Obviously again I'm the only person that she can talk to about this, my mum goes to church but she's a lot more accepting than my gran is. My gran/uncle etc wouldn't handle it because they're so christian [which obviously means alienating people they are "technically" being taught to accept... different rant.. anyway]. So I guess we just have to be confused. I wish I could try and sort him out a social life but I don't know how. When we were at school together he wasn't always very chatty with me and never really with any of my friends apart from Rose. So I don't think there's any way that I could try and get him to start socialising with Rowan and Sam. Unless next time there's a school thing on he came with me rather than going with mum or not going at all. But then I have to look after him for a while evening which kinda defeats the object of me going out in the first place. But then I guess that's just selfish. No. I know that's really selfish. And I don't know if he'd actually have anything to talk about with any of the guys I know. Hmmm... Sam, Rowan and Alistair are all SEXSEXSEX... Felix is just camp.. and then that's about it closer guy friends. There's Tom... but he's a bit of a druggie and I don't know him very well yet. Why can't any guys I know be completly obsessed with cars and stuff?! Hmm... There's Youth Night he could go to I guess. Everyone goes to that and there's Ollie.. he's the year below us so John might have more to talk about with him.. but then Ollie's kinda obsessed with stalking Rose so I don't think he'd have much time for John. Ooh. Dave.
Nah.. Maybe. I don't know. Dave is a bit depressed all the time, but he's into the same music as John so maybe.. or maybe not .
I guess I'd just have to take him and see what happens.
I'm just worried it'll be a disaster.
I don't know why I'm bothering, he wouldn't even want to come with me. But then he might.. Hmm.. I've only been to YN once though, so I don't really know what it's like, I guess if I went a couple more times then I might get a better idea of what it's like. Tbh, the only thing I got about it is it's fun but really seriously majorly BOILING in there.

Anyway
<3 this song
Heard it today
(L)

15
Today has rocked. Seriously. My friends are the best <333 and my mum has been so nice aswell. Dad *might* call later aswell. Hugh's coming out with us later, mum's taking me to Pizza Hut & I'm going to see Ratouille with some of my friends tomorow. Omg. Today has been so kewl, and the broadband is being sorted out tomorow so hopefully we can start making the ipod work.
Amazing.
Today <3.
I'm drowning in cds. I don't know what to listen to . This is so kewl. XD. This rocks.
Felt kinda weird. But still . I guess I wasn't as weird as normal.
The card Rose has given me is so lovely. She's put Zac Efron & guy Of Gisbourne on there. Lol, she said it was a massive sacrfice giving me her best picture of Zac Efron XD.
Stuff crust later
My cake rocks
the cake my friends have made me rocks

xxx

Some idiot that walks home at the same time as me doesn't get that it's not firework night anymore. They let one off in the street. Again. You can't see them anyway, I would point it out to them but I didn't see who it was and if I did they'd probably eat me. Had a few scary chav incidents in the last few days. If you accidently bump into them they so blow it out of what it is. Oo-er. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!" I'm bumping into you, sorry, I'll go now.
Except I'm always thinking Don't eat me. So I never actually say it. Plus I don't think they find it very funny.
Uppy downy day. Kinda like always I guess. Down on guys front. Not that it's ever up really (once again oo-er).
I set fire to a pen today in science.
Rose wasn't happy. I didn't mean to. You have these little stick things you shove in a bunsen burner then light a candle with. Part of it fell into the candle thing. I thought it was going to set fire so I thought: Oh I Know I'll Pick It Up. It burns me, I drop it on Rose's pen. Rose's pen catches on fire. Luckily it goes out quickly otherwise I would have burnt Jemma's science book.
Burning down the school fiasco avoided.
English seating plan. Sat next to a girl that doesn't like me very much. She's scary. And she obviously doesn't think I'm good enough to be dirt on a shoe.
Depressing.
So now I'm going to have boring english lessons being depressing 'cause without having Kailee to talk to I just sit there thinking and it's annoying. 'Cause I'm distracting myself from the things said on Saturday morning but it's hard to when there's nothing going on.
Nyeahh.
Everyone seems to know it's my birthday on Friday.
Oggie (lol) just IMed me "happy birthday for Friday"
Oggie hates me . Ahh well "Thanks [[:"
Lol. You get lots of OMGIT'SYOURBIRTHDAYONFRIDAY?!.

Lol.
And it turns out I don't have to worry about seeing my dad because apprently he didn't even mention my birthday when he came round to take John out at the weekend.

I know I'm being annoying seeing as I didn't even want him to be here.
But the fact that he didn't even mention it has pissed me off.
A lot.
I almost want him to be annoying so it seems like I'm not being so unreasonable.
I expect too much from people.

Ok. Saying it 'cause it's annoying me.
Arctic Monkeys are good, ok. But they are NOT this amazing super-band everyone is making them out to be.
I have Whatever People Say I Am That's What I'm Not.
It's not the best album I own.
They're really not that amazing .
Shutup radio 1

Omg.
I should change the top line thingy of this blog to:
The Daily Moan.

xx

Happy bonfire night
it's made me feel better
fireworks <3

xx

Weird couple of days. Actually, weird week. I've felt really bad for a lot of it. It's like.. anxious I guess. Just every single stupid thing that happened felt like a big deal and worrying ALL the time. Didn't even get to forget for a second. Tiring.
Went out on Friday, to the school fireworks thing. It was actually really fun, tho the I.D was there so we kinda had to run away really quickly. Met Rowan's little brothers aswell, they're cute nutters [[ And Sam's really good with kids, which I wouldn't have thought. Actually, I just didn't think about it. But it was sweet anyway.
Then Beanie's partyy. Was good. I was ok . Sounds like nothing but it's the first time I've stayed somewhere and been ok since John developed epilepsi. Though didn't end up going to sleep till about 4am so I'm really tired . It was good though, I ended up having this really really long conversation with Beanie's mum about stuff. I've never met her before but she's one of the rare people that I meet and feel comfortable with. She says it's just 'cause she doesn't let shy people not speak. But I just felt... I don't know, there's just something so different about her house. And the way her and her mum talk to eachother. It's so much more relaxed than me and my mum. Because like.. as much as there's the friends rather than mother/daughter thing with my & mum it's always a little bit tense. Because I don't know when she's gunna snap, and obviously I don't deal with it when people shout at me, so I hardly ever say anything back. Although I did yesterday. Anyway... yeah, being there, at Beanie's house was so refreshing because they just.. they all know who they are and they're happy with that.. so now they spend all their time taking the piss out of eachother. They just seem really... happy. I wish here was more like that.
So I ended up having a really really good night. Eventually we went to bed and Beanie put on a film, at like 3:45am. I lasted 10 minutes.. next thing I knew I was waking up to the end of the film watching the guy that I was sure had died at the begining. I was too tired to ask what I'd missed .

It all took my mind off earlier in the day aswell. Saturday morning was horrible.
More than horrible.
Mum actually said something that pushed me a bit too far. So I yelled at her, she should have been greatful, I held back most of what I wanted to say. I basically said she was being selfish though.
She says I shouldn't expect her to be happy all the time.
I don't. I NEVER have.
I just don't think she should be saying "I might aswell kill myself..." etc etc.
So I flipped.
Then she had a go at me and told me to carry on with what we were talking about before.
I said no.
I never say no.
I normally carry on anyway.
Still makes my stomach hurt, 'cause obviously she felt bad for yelling at me later on.
I felt bad for yelling at her aswell. But for once.. I didn't say sorry.
Because I'm not sorry, ok, I guess I didn't exactly pick the best moment.
I wish I'd said everything really. She was pissing me off so much. Just going on and on about the fact that she has to worry about everything all on her own all the time, and that she has no one to talk to and that she's completly on her own. Well I don't know what her dumping everything on me is then. I've never once made it sound like I wasn't interested, even when I actually wasn't. When she can't be bothered she makes it completly obvious, I've never done that.
So I guess now I'm home I'm thinking about it more.
And wondering if she meant everything that she said.
'Cause she said sorry for yelling at me, but she didn't say sorry about the things that she actually said.
Or does sorry for yelling mean sorry for the things that I yelled?
:S.
Off to worry & confuse myself elsewhere
xxx