Angst? Me? Never.

Happy Halloween

Have a lot of things in my head but writing isn't really helping.
Have good news, got a B in my first unit of science c/w. I guess that's good.
Not good, I've suddenly accidently made myself feel awkward around my friends
And not going to have my hamster for much longer & have to make a painful decision about him.
Argh.
Anyway
x

I feel weird. Everything is stressy still but right now I'm so cold it's not bothering me so much.
Solve all your problems - sit in a freezer.
:S.
Hugh thinks he's better than we are . He thinks he's doing mum a massive favour by letting her work for him. He isn't. He says he's basically paying her to do her writing. He isn't.
She's WORKING for him, so he pays her. How is that him doing her some massive favour?
AND the times he wants her to do things are annoying. Like she'll actually be working on her writing and everything and then he'll ring up and say he needs her to check a letter for him. (Learning to actually write properly apprently isn't an option) So even when it's really inconvineint she still stops all her important work to do his. He acts as though he's doing some amazing thing when actually all he's doing is making her feel crap. She doesn't want it to seem like he's doing some massive thing for us when he actually isn't. It's like normal work but with really, really crap conditions. And another thing I hate about him is the fact he doesn't like.. respect anything about us. He's rude about the things that mum spends ages cooking for him.. 'cause he won't eat the vegetarian stuff that we eat. He won't take his muddy boots off when he comes into the house even though he's been asked to loads of times. Apprently it doesn't matter 'cause our house is wreaked anyway. Which isn't true, I like our house. And he breaks stuff and when mum gets kinda annoyed she's being stupid. If I broke something and got his house dirty he'd rip my head off. Literally.
And then he complains about her not letting him stay the night anymore. She is a christian, she doesn't want him around at night because she doesn't feel right doing it. He should respect that, he still comes around, he just goes home again. It was HIS fault that he didn't come on holiday with us. He keeps going on and on about the fact that he hasn't had a holiday, when it was his fault. Us going on holiday with him meant feeling completly unwanted and everything for a whole week. When he stay in a travel lodge he is really horrible for no reason. We can't watch tv even if we arrive there early. Like 10 or something. We're not allowed to do anything. Everything that we do gets eyes rolled at and everything. And then for a whole week you can barely breathe when you're around him because he's going to tell you that you're doing something wrong. Tell you that No You Can't Touch That 'Cause You'll Break It. We're allowed to at home. Exactly Look At Your House. There's nothing wrong with our house. It doesn't matter if he doesn't want me there, MUM does. And isn't she the person he should think is important?Shouldn't he just want to make her happy and if "family" holidays are what she wants shouldn't he be more than happy about it?
I hate being here when he is because I know he doesn't want me around.
But then he starts being nice, and you think he's got over whatever he was in a mood about and you can relax. Then he'll start having a go again for no reason. You want to scream and ask why he seems to have the need to have a go at everything. We, well, I know I'm unwanted there. Does he really have to make it anymore obvious?
But then that's the thing with parents partners. They want your parents but they don't want you.
Ever.
They pretend to be nice but as soon as they're in and they know that they're staying they become who they actually are. Critisisors. Of everything. Mandy does it, Hugh does it. I don't know why they both wanted to be with people who came with baggage if they can't deal with it.
Not that I suppose you'd say dad came with baggage. He isn't around enough.
And he's never stuck up for us. Ever.
When he should. He shouldn't let her give me looks about the things that I say and everything that I like. I don't want to be sent to someone's house for the day to spend time being like.. sneered at and stuff. The really stupid thing is the fact that they don't even seem to understand what they're doing. But then with her dad does it aswell so I guess she wouldn't understand. Should your dad need encouraging from someone to see you?
I don't know. But I used to blame it all on her 'till I realised the fact that my father is actually a dickhead. Took me a while.. lol. Not that he knows what I'm really thinking. No one does really. Can't ever tell the person I have the problem with the problem. Which actually probably makes me seem like a really bitchy person. I can kind of do the sarcastic comments and barely speaking.. but then when they actually start wondering what it is they've done I start being nice to avoid the subject. I dont even know why I do it. 'Cause I want to talk about it and ask why and stuff.
Weird.
But not really, it's always been like that.
I just don't understand what we did so wrong. Or I did wrong anyway. John can't really help it, not that he's even doing anything wrong. He's just being him which is something that none of dad's partners have ever tried to understand. We have to, so I don't see why they should get away with being bitches.
'Cause Jeremy Kyle was going on about it taking an amazing person to take on someone else's kids. I disagree. I just think it takes a mum with decent taste in men. Because then maybe they'd actually have found a nice dad in the first place. And I don't think I'm being harsh. I'm just right. Which is why anyone I told that I thought that would tell me I was being unreasonable and stuff.
But then that's what all adults say to someone my age when I'm right about something they'd rather I was wrong about.

I'm on to you.

http://www.lovemusichateracism.com/

& buy this weeks NME magazine. I actually didn't know this stuff because tbh I usually tune out when my dad talks about everything... but this is actually interesting.
BNP.. more about it in NME mag if you don't know what it is, but basically they are racist and everything.. they're handing out leaflets outside schools, to people my age trying to get them to join and everything.
Fucks sake. Like everything here isn't bad enough without these freaks . Get NME *glare*

And yeah, wow, this is me actually caring about something.
It's in my msn name and everything.

Oh, and did I mention?
BY NME

x

Hamster is sick. Not going to be okay kind of sick. Except in himself he's ok.
Which leaves me with a difficult decision which makes me cry 'cause I don't know how to decide .
Basically I got him out for the first time in a couple of weeks yesterday... haven't had either of them out because I've had a cold and I read once that they can catch things like that off people. When I got him out yesterday I found this massive.. seriously, huge lump on his stomach.
We went to the vet today... and we have to see if it grows this week. Which given how much it's grown in 2 weeks..
. We have to take him back next Monday unless it grows loads before then.. I have to decide whether they operate or just put him to sleep. I can't. It's too hard. Because even if they do operate the chance of him waking up again afterwards is really small. . But then if I don't try at all it'll be horrible.. but at the same time as that I don't think I should be putting him thru the operation at the age he is. I don't knowww. I just wanted it to be something they could fix 'cause I don't want him to die
Mum said whatever happens I have to prepare for the fact I'm going to have to say goodbye to him next week. Fucking hell, all I needed was for ONE really important thing to be okay. I love him to peices.
God I'm not getting anymore animals after this. It was awful the one I had before him aswell.. she died in my hand which was horriblbe .
I just wanted him to be okay and he isn't going to be..
So I've got to let them kill a hamster that would be okay if this stupid thing wasn't there. It's not even causing him any pain at the moment. I hate this

Hamster is sick. Not going to be okay kind of sick. Except in himself he's ok. Which leaves me with a difficult decision which makes me cry 'cause I don't know how to decide :(. Basically I got him out for the first time in a couple of weeks yesterday... haven't had either of them out because I've had a cold and I read once that they can catch things like that off people. When I got him out yesterday I found this massive.. seriously, huge lump on his stomach. We went to the vet today... and w

Why does everything have to worry me? You know what I think I would like most is just to not care. Why can't you turn that off? Surely it should be your choice whether or not you care about something. Maybe it is most people's. And if something is how it is and isn't likely to change anytime soon.. even if it's no where near good enough do you have to put up with it anyway?
If you do that's pretty depressing. And I don't think I want to live like that. I mean, I get you can't have everything you want but when I think about it.. which I do, a lot. It's a pretty simple thing really. Maybe it's something that used to be everything but isn't anymore. And the people that still think it should be are idiots and should move on and stop getting hung up on the same old things all the time. But then at the same time as that if you're hung up about something then there's got to be a reason and you can't just cover up what you feel. I always thought so anyway. But then sometimes you don't give yourself the choice. Or you let yourself be a certain way and the person you wanted to talk to doesn't even notice. Or is that just me?
And if there's so much unsaid things between 2 people does it get to a point when there's no point in any of it being said? Because you get the feeling once it isn't compulsory anymore you just won't see them. Ever. Because it's easier that way than thinking constantly about all the things that you haven't said. And now it's been so long even if you did say them would there be any relationship left to save when you were finished? Maybe there was nothing worth saving in the first place. Or maybe there was but you waited too long.
Or maybe you're just reading too much into the whole situation.
I do that a lot.
Sometimes I think I think I know more than I actually do. But then as the innocent bystander maybe I see more than they do. More than they think I do definatly. But then we already know I think too much. Not even in a good way. I'd rather be one of those weird people who does equatios in their head all the time. If there even are people like that. And maybe I'm actually not an innocent bystander. Maybe I'm just an idiot. That seems more likely. Really.

. John has been a nightmare this week. He's being horrible. He chucked a tennis ball at my head yesterday.. stupid thing to be upset about I know, I guess it was the pure aggressiveness of it that upset me most.. and the fact that my mum was in the room but didn't say anything. But apparently she wasn't looking so she didn't see if he meant to do it. I saw. But that clearly counts for nothing.
Then today was nice.. earlier anyway. I had a non-pupil day thing so it was just me and mum.. which like, never happens. So it was kewl, we went shopping and got some new makeup and stuff . I was really happy till John got home. He's still being horrible to me for no reason. He's not even in a mood he just seems to enjoy critisising everything that I do. Even when I'm not doing anything there's something wrong with it. Then he says sorry and mum is instantly like "it's fine" and then when he starts having a go at me I look at her but she still does nothing. It isn't fair. He can do whatever he wants, say whatever crap he can think of to make me feel bad but the SECOND I retaliate she gets mad. It's not fair. I don't forgive him. I don't forgive her earlier. She pretends to be all nice but the second he's back it's Go Away Lydia. He can interrupt me.. talk over me, shove into me (on purpose) chuck stuff at me say whatever he wants but she won't say to him that he shouldn't be doing it. He doesn't need to learn not to because I'm not only one that he does it to. When she said this morning that his moods where annoying her I said at least he doesn't take everything out on you. Which I think is fair. He could at least me nice to me considering how much time I spend worried about him. It isn't fair. No one gets it because everyone thinks "awww John how sweet" and if I say anything I'm being evil. 'Cause everyone is interested in John but no one gives a shit about me. It's like that with everyone my mum knows. "how's John?". I'm sick of all of them. I don't care if they notice me or not 'cause they aren't worth it anyway.
He's so selfish. Everyone else does everything for him but the second someone does something he thinks is stupid there's a massive strop. Annoying to mum but damn right hurting to me. Everything hurts. I have this massive knot in my stomach but I'm trying not to cry 'cause I have about a million times this week.
Hmm :/
x

My Barney
Insane but I love him
♥

No news on the mum blog front yet . Part of me is hoping that she'll decide that she can't be bothered.
*Hope for me*
x

My mum wants a blog . She thinks she can promote her books on it and maybe get herself some more work because she doesn't have any at the moment. I don't know what website she's gunna end up doing it thru but when I googled "blog" the first thing that came up was this website so it looks like I'm screwed. If she sets herself up a blog on this website then there's a chance that she'll find mine and she can't because that'd be really really bad... so if she gets one on here then I'll have to delete mine.. which I really really REALLY don't want to do.
I also feel really ill. Stupid trivial thing but when it was John she was all "are you okay?" every 5 seconds but it's me and she doesn't even care. And I had a stupid coursework test GCSE thing and I couldn't do any of it . And I just feel really really crap.
And now I might not have this anymore.
is what I feel like doing.
Except I can't 'cause everyone will be back from the shop and annoying me again in a minute.
I also have loads of homework that I don't want to do. Clearly however I try I'm going to be useless anyway so please tell me, where is the fucking point? And AOL is pissing around AGAIN.
Grans gone. Good. She was annoying me this morning. She seems to think I don't know anything about my mum when it's actually me she talks to about everything because a lot of the time she's too scared to tell her.
But then she has no idea so of course she can happily piss me off and make me feel bad.
And Karly is annoying. Whenever me and Rose are talking she starts talking about someone she knows is dying and the "shocking" revelation that her uncle "killed" someone and she couldn't deal with it. (He was in a car crash that someone died in. Okay, I'm being a bitch but that isn't being a murderer). Have felt pretty crap since we got back from London really. For some reason I had this massive crying session before I got up yesterday. Then ended up having an ok day.. today.. alright, but no so much.
I can't be bothered to leanr my spanish.
I don't even wanna do it anymore, the only thing I'm good at is RE and that's never exactly going to get me anywhere.
And I want the stupid burn scar to go away. Does anyone know if the things you buy to rub onto scars actually work?

London is so kewl . Went a bit weird when we first got there 'cause of like.. the massiveness of it. And it being night and everything I was a bit like Omg I Wanna Go Home. Got over that after about an hour though. I'm always like that, give me a chance to get used to it and I'm okay. Well :/, kinda. With places more than with people. Mum's radio interview went well, and the guy was actually really nice.. which relaxed me a lot.. it being christian radio and everything I was kinda worried it was gunna be the typical intense make me feel uncomfortable kinda person. I'm not generalising, just with christians.. I guess that's my experience of it. But this guy was really nice showed me and John all the radio type equipment and being a nerd and all I was actually interested . Then.. interview over.. the woman, Lynette from CWR is actually really nice anyway and I was suprised that I was speaking to people I'd never met before without being a nervous reck and like.. Like Yeah Um... Like.. Y'know all the time.
Thennn we went on one of those open bus tours around London things. We were trying to go to Covent Garden. We got on the wrong bus . After going around this pretty boring route for like and hour and a half we eventually found our bus and the tour we were meant to take and everything. And the tour guide guy was funny which was kewl aswell . And I saw Keira Knightly's twin... not that that's particularly interesting, but it was better than the guys sleeping in hedges. That made me kinda sad :/. But one of the homeless guys we talked to was kewl, 'cause we got a Big Issue off him.
Covent Garden is sooooooooo kewl, even though we hardly got any time there in the end 'cause of the tours and stuff. And then we didn't know how exactly to get a cab so we had to leave early to try and get one to stop for us. Bought some face wash from Lush which is supposed to sort out my skin. It better had. Lol.
Yeah... so now I'm home. I wish I wasn't. Everything I don't like is here.. and my gran is. I love my gran and everything but she's just another person I don't know what to say to.. and I'm on my own with her tomorow . She is one of the people that make me feel uncomfortable. Mainly 'cause she finds everything that I like offensive and whenever I'm not with my mum makes me feel bad and says I don't do enough and talks about how stressed "mummy" (I'M 14 FOR GODS SAKE!!!!!!!!!!") is. I guess it just bugs me how none of them really know me. But then I guess I don't really know them. I swear they all liked me at one point. When I was young. Before I started wearing eyeliner.
It's not like I ever yell at them or anything either. They just don't seem to like me all that much. Well, apart from nan. She does. Maybe that's 'cause she's not even actually related to me. *Shrugs*. This sounds awful but relatives depress the hell out of me, I'm really hoping with Cate it'll be different.. :/.
I don't know what to do. I guess I'll be out most of tomorow anyway, 'cause it's the first DofE walk. After I ended up flipping a bit mum's being nicer about it. As in I'M FINE HONESTLY WAAAAAAAAA type thing. It makes me sound like a spoiled kid, it wasn't that.. I guess it was 'cause I thought she'd think it was a really good thing and she doesn't and that really dissapointed me. 'Cause for a while she'd been like You Never Do Anything. Which is true :/, but then when I do something it's not good enough anyway.
I wish it was earlier. It was so kewl.. I like it better when it's just the three of us.. mum wasn't even stressed or anything, it was really nice and now it's all gone . I don't like being back.
Hmm.. Fine as in fine or fine as in not fine fine?

Omg. I'm scared to go to Rose's house again now .
What parent gives their clearly insane 10 year old water balloons?!?!
"What are they doing.... OMG THEY HAVE WATER BALLOONS RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"

x

Whenever I don't worry about something something bad happens. .
Smudge is still sick we're managing to give him the medication but I really don't think it's doing anything to help, plus the vet didn't even seem to know what was wrong. To start off with I wasn't too worried because last time the vet just gave him an injection and he was a lot better by the time we got home. I didn't worry and he's not better , he seemed alright when I first saw him this morning but he's gone all foofy lying down and not eating again now. He hasn't eaten properly for 3 days .
And mum and Hugh are falling out again. It's weird, the last few times I've seen him they've been getting on and he's been nice and stuff. I saw him for a while yesterday morning because I didn't go to dad's and he was nice and funny and everything.. but then in the evening when he came back I kinda got the feeling there was some tension and when I went upstairs they started arguing about something.. and mum's all miserable again. 'Cause he always chooses to go running or something over going out somewhere with her. Even if he did wanna go somewhere with her she wouldn't want to because she's gone out this morning and she doesn't wanna leave John on his own for a really long time 'cause he'll get irritated.. and Hugh thinks things are crap if we're there. That isn't me being paranoid, it's been said a lot of times. That's why I tend not to enjoy holidays very much. I guess I just don't understand how he can be being horrible, he should be SO happy that she took him back but he's already being horrible again. I wish they could manage to be ok for longer than 2 weeks. And mum keeps going on about the fact that she just wants someone to be with, someone to help with everything 'cause she's sick of worrying about everything on her own all the time. I won't lie, that REALLY pissed me off, she has no idea how much this stuff screws me up and she's going on about her being on her own? I don't think that made sense. All I know is it's making me mad again. And she keeps going on about having no one to really talk to but she talks to me all the time. About everything, all the stuff that I don't want to know and everything that makes everything else get worse and I've never once told her to shut up. But apprently she has no one to talk to. And I couldn't even get mad at her 'cause it looked like she was going to cry.. and I hate it when people cry. I always seem to end up in situations trying to help people who are crying. Happened with this really popular girl in our school once, she's left now tho. There was this other girl called Lauren (who's also left, I'm pretty glad really she was scary) and Lauren was making this girls life hell... and I guess it kinda exploded in tech one day and Nenah went off and I ended up going with her and trying to help ans stuff.. it was weird. I barely knew her and she still never really talked to me after that. Lol :S.
I'm just not very good at dealing with it basically. I don't know what I'm supposed to say and I'm just generally crap in those kind of situatuations. So yeah, I kept my mouth shut and started ranting about it in my mind. I've forgotten what the point of what I was saying was :S.
ARGH. I have one (admittly big) pile of cds. ALL my cds are on it. SO WHERE IS MY BLINK 182 CD???!!! Annoying. Scream etc. Except I don't want to 'cause I just mad a massive hot chocolate and it's made me feel sick .
Okay, Hanson in instead. I hope Isaac Hanson is better now. I guess it's better to be listening to them tho, 'cause that means I'm trying to cheer myself up rather than depress myself more. I don't know what to dooooooo. John's watching car racing and everything on the computer takes about a zillion years because I'm downloading and the dial up is so friggin slow. I haven't made my bed. No, I'm not doing cleaning. Feeling like this and cleaning will probably result in throwing something out the window. Lol. I feel more annoyed than sad. And pissed off. And the knot in my stomach is like WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA massive. O_o. I need to text Kailee and be all HAPPY 15TH SPORK LOVER XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Yeah, I'll go and do that .
x

I've confused myself.. a lot. I guess I always thought I knew myself pretty well but today has just kinda.. reaked everything that I thought I knew.
I'm always kinda screaming out to be notcied inside like.. I always want my friends to come and ask me what's wrong and for me to be able to talk about it with them and stuff. I also always cheer up like.. outwardly whenever I'm at school and around everyone.
Today I didn't go all happy. I mentioned a couple of things because I thought I wanted to talk, I thought I wanted someone to notice and give me a hug and stuff. Beanie is like.. the only person that's been kinda concerned in the last couple of days with my depressing MSN names, so she's been asking me if I'm okay and stuff and I guess I just nodded and changed the subject. So.. today, at lunch, Beanie, Kailee and Rose are like.. okay talk. I panicked. I don't know what happened I just suddenly freaked and thought ahh how do I? 'Cause I don't know.. I can't actually speak about what I feel. Which I sounds really stupid seeing as I write about it every day. I just.. if I told them everything then their opinions of me might change, I couldn't stand being one of those people everyone feels they have to tip-toe around.. I don't want that. It's just... I always thought I wanted friends I could talk to.. face to face, but then they gave me the opertunity and I didn't do it. I don't want to really anymore :/, there was more than once that day when I could've... but I didn't, because when it came to it I didn't know what to say. Weird. Same thing sort of happened last night on AOL aswell, tho it's okay there now. I went offline for a while.. I think Mike was arriving just as I was leaving and like.. in the last few weeks I've kinda got the impression he hasn't really wanted to talk to me.. just to try and sort himself out with his problems. So I guess I've pretty much left him to it... but as soon as I was online he IMed me. And then when I did the general "Hi, you ok? [:" stuff he just goes Yeah But You're Not :/. And I was shocked by that aswell, so barely anything I typed made sense.
Then I guess it's weird how it's easy on blog.. except it isn't. The post I did on everything to do with my dad I was doing for about an hour, and sometimes I take ages to reply to messages. Not so much now tho, people being on here and reading everything and being really really sweet and supportive has helped me a lot.. I feel more like this is where I come to sort of.. not exactly let go of everything, but I do think I can tell people things.. and it is actually kinda like telling someone because somebody reads it. :S I hope that made sense.. and I'm gunna do my best to do that for everyone else as well if I can. Prepare yourselves for silly comments/rambling .
Basically THANKYOUUUUUUUUUU for the all the comments and not thinking I'm silly and stuff.
And I know I sound silly but I really wanted to say it (I'm actually cringing at myself here)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Nothing will leave me alonee
. After the last couple of days... only been one thing on my mind. Something I'm trying to forget 'cause it was so scary. But it won't go away.
http://imnotdead.blog.co.uk/2007/04/26/bad_memories_sorry_in_advance_actually_i~2167677
I did that ages ago y'know... I had improved since then, I wasn't thinking about it everyday, but since seeing it on tv and that guy...
I think that one was friends only. But it anyone wants to know.. then read that, it explained everything.
So... yeah
Oh yeah, I sound like an idiot in that post, but I was upset. It's never something I think I've ever properly talked about. I guess there's nothing to really say..

x

Found out properly what happened yesterday. Omg...
Yesterday me & Rose were walking back from school.. well, me to the station to meet my mum and there's a massive crowd. We go and see what's happening and there's this guy we kinda know from our science class lying on the side of the road with his face covered in blood. Instantly think he's been hit by a car, Sam stays behind to find out what happened.
Later. Sam comes on MSN I ask what happened 'cause we thought he'd been hit by this mini bus that had stopped. He said he was hit by a 20 year old. I think "shit, bad drivers" don't think anything else about it.
This morning. Telling Rose what I found out and then it suddenly occurs to me that he might not have meant a 20 year old in a car. Find out later thru what he hear and Ryan, who was there. Then english and I get all the details.
They were walking home from school yesterday and this chav (who is a TWAT btw) was going on and on and Tom 'cause he's ginger. In the end Tom turns round and goes "so what?" then says "what a twat" to ryan under his breath. You don't think about it, I've been in that situation and then same the same thing hundreds of times, I guess it's just who you say it to. With mini chav there was this guy who's 20 called Chris white or something. He starts this whole big thing about it, Tom walks away. Chris punches him in the face. His nose goes upwards and he just goes solid as a brick and falls over and starts having a seizure. I wish I didn't know exactly what that looked like. Then he stopped fitting got up and tried to run away.. fell over again and that's when I got there.
He could have killed him.
No one knows if he's okay now even :/.
I just... doing that to someone 'cause of their hair colour. I've had stuff said to me lots that can y'know... get to you sometimes. But hurting someone?
Fucking ridiculous.
My mum still thinks he got hit by a car and asked if I knew anything. I felt kinda mean lying but she'll never let me do anything if she knew what actually happened. Ryan seriously wasn't okay today, I didn't really know what to say. I just said he had to start doing something else and if he was really worried then to go and see him after school.
I'm worried about 2 guys I barely know.
And John decided he was really ill about 12 last night so we have to ring the NHS thing to see if he can take paracetamol after having his eppilim.
I'm mad at him 'cause I thought something bad was going to happen and he's basically made me freak loads so he can get some days off college.
I know that's mean but it's how it is. And sometimes when I'm worried about people it's easier to be mean to them than to let them know I'm worried. Which is horrible I know. I just... being mean is easier than letting them know you are like.. there and them being "meh, sure". Tho I'm hardly ever actually mean. Just with John 'cause he's mean to me and expects everyone to be his slaves 'cause he's got a cold.
I'm mad and worried and confused and stuff.
Why would you nearly kill someone because they're ginger?
I hope the police have got the guy 'cause they had a name so hopefully... hopefully they're arrested him now. And I wanna now if the guys okay but I don't know if it's a very good idea to ask Ryan in the morning 'cause well... he has everyone asking him and me aswell just doesn't help :/.
x