Things I read really get inside my head, they go in and then something else comes and I end up with this stupid massive mess.
Can you be anrgy at someone for something they don't even think about? Okay, don't think it, I know I go on about the same old stuff but I'm the only one not getting sick of it.
Okay, guys. You've met the woman you love, you've finally managed to get married after a lot of difficulty, you have children. I can't help thinking that'd be your priority. Wanting your own life I'm fine with but having all this shouldn't it come first? Your wife nearly dies having her second baby, me. She can't do anything for a long time because of the operation to stop me and her from dying. As if all the pain wasn't enough she catches another infection, she needs someone to be there to help look after a then 2 year old John. Where are you? You're playing golf, because that's your priority, YOUR life and you're not changing it for anyone. Move forward a year, mum is starting to want to get out more. No, course not. Having to look after your children instead of going and doing what you want? Never. "I've reached levels in my golf you'll never even see in your acting."
She finally gets sick of it. She throws you out, she loses all her friends, how could she do that to you, the ideal husband and father?
You continue to see us at weekends, come about 9 in the morning and drop us back about 7. You meet Lindsey. Suddenly there's Charlotte and Jess, Jess particularly strongly disliked. Her calling him dad used to really bug me. Lindsey is a bitch, you break up, you move around various flats, us following for those few, gradually redusing hours every weekend.
I only actually ever remember my parents having one row. I remember it being scary 'cause I was only small. I don't even know what it was about, I just remember something something "MY SOLICITOR!" something something "MY SOLICITOR!". I remember the solicitors office aswell, I remember going to it a lot.
Single mum, suffering from depression, son being diagnosed with special needs, still very young daughter, on benefit, not reseaving any money from dad. Your son has special needs, mum, get on with it, found a list she had made when she first found out in one of those baby book things they have "What the problem is and how I can help". Dad, "Why me?".
Meet Mandy, move in, get married. Mandy's nice at first. Actually, people that wanna get in with so called "single parents" (tho that term is hardly what I'd use for my dad) are always really nice at first, even Hugh was at one point. They're moving in together, I like her, having a step-mum seems quite kewl. Thinking about this, I remember that they'd be going to visit houses on the days me and John were there, so we'd be left with gran. I always asked if I could go, because I'd never been to a house veiwing before and I wanted to know if I liked it before they moved in. He always said no, and I always wondered why he didn't want me to be a part of it, didn't think about it too much, moved on.
I carry on going, the following years, they get married properly... I don't go to the wedding, I didn't want to and mum wasn't invited which at the time I thought was a bit weird because they were on good terms. I didn't go because I knew no one would speak to me. From being taken to pubs and stuff with my dad before I knew I'd just be left on my own. That was another significant thing I always thought was kinda weird, there used to be this bit at the golf club near the bar that you couldn't go in if you were younger, but he'd always go in... tell you to go away if you followed, so we'd just be stood there for ages waiting for him to be finished what he was doing. That's what it'd be like at the wedding, all over confident, patronising people I wasn't even remotely interested in meeting. Plus the fact I didn't like Mandy. It goes on. Sarcasic remarks from Mandy who doesn't even attempt to accept John. Then last year, John has his most major seizure yet, it's the first one I see.
That's the only time I've nearly cried writing this.
Mum was crying, there was a woman I vaguely recognised there at the hospital with her, making sure she was okay, mum asked me to ring dad and tell him what had happened. I did, Mandy was home, I told her what had happened... she said she'd tell him when he got home from work. It only occured to me when I was lying in a family room at 2am on an uncomfortable sofa after having had a nurse yell at me for having no where to go (he didn't even bother coming to the hospital, your son is currently in a resuss clinic, there was a chance he might not wake up. Come see him? No, work, golf, Mandy) that it struck me as weird. I blamed Mandy then.
I'm never asked if I'm okay. I know you shouldn't twist something as terrible as that was to be about me... but he never asked. Seeing John fitting had to be the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. He never asked me if I was okay. But then, tbh, with the men in my life none of them can handle me and emotion. You're not allowed to be needy, as long as their ok everything is fine. John's medication is upped, this has quite major effects on his behavior that takes quite a while for us to get used to, me and him are out on our own for some reason, I think John has revision. I tell him to talk to Mandy about the medication (she likes to give you one of those looks which is like taking your self esteem and throwing it accorss the room then stamping on it) when he does things that are weird. Whenever she does this I can't speak. I can't bear being shouted at, hurting people. The guilt mixed with the anger afterwards are too much. Yeah I'm weak, I'm paying for it.
Skip to my birthday, my 14th. Don't ask my why but I was really excited about being 14, 13 had kinda sucked so I figured 14, new starts etc. Rose was round, my mum was taking us out to Pizza Hut in the evening after dad had been round to see me. Dad was going to play golf that evening, that's where he was going after coming to see me. We waited. We waited a long time. He never showed. I felt crap, but couldn't cry because Rose was there and given the relationship we have seeing me cry would have been too much for both of us. I bitch for a while, so does she, helpfully.
They went straight to play golf because coming over seemed a bit pointless in the end. I get angry, I move on.
Skip to John's 17th. He's well excited anyway but he idolises dad. Couldn't wait to see him. Dad's playing golf again, our house is on the way back if he goes a slightly different way home. We wait. No one comes, John has been sat by his window nearly and hour now.
"Oh, bad day, too tired, y'know, I'll make it up to him." Just thinking about the look on John's face makes me wanna cry. John does not cry, ever. He looked like he was going to, this look stayed on his face. When we're on our own mum says "Okay, normally I would get it but this time I think he just couldn't be bothered." We decide we're gunna take John up to the pub, tho now it's still kinda early so they take Barney out for a walk first. They're gone out the house, I flip. All that was in my head was how could you not turn up to your autistic son's 17th birthday? If you know anything about it you know that rountine is a big thing. One thing John can't handle is change. He could have ruined everything by not showing, me and mum managed to save things that day, but it barely happens.
So I'm crying. Thing is when it happened I couldn't even give John a hug because he hates it, physical stuff like that he can't stand. I think that's probably the longest time I've ever cried in my life. I know that sounds SO drama queen ish but it's true, I don't cry for long amounts of time, but dad not caring and the look on John's face not going out of my head. I don't manage to stop for the time that they get home. I feel terrible. Mum comes and talks to me a bit, I'm kinda calm I say sorry to John and flip into if you had any idea you'd think I was a phsyco mode. I.e over enthusiastic and shaking... and obviously having recently cried. Waiter we had was really nice, stomach still hurt and I only ate about 3 chips but in the end we actually has a nice evening.
That was in May. Things have gone downhill so fast since then. Everything he's ever done is in my mind, everything my mum keeps telling me doesn't go away. Everytime I see him get angry. He talks down to me, he doesn't care about me. Mum says he doesn't think about it. HE SHOULD FUCKING THINK ABOUT IT. Last night she said she thought it was partially because Mandy wasn't encouraging him to have more of a relationship us.
WHAT KIND OF STUPID BASTARD USELESS FATHER NEEDS ENCOURGING BY SOME WHORE HE MARRIED TO SEE HIS CHILDREN AND CARE ABOUT THEM?!???
How does that work?
Can someone PLEASE help me to understand why that is?
And then after last weekend I was going to make a point of not going. But hey, he's playing golf, which CLEARLY comes first so he's not seeing any way.
I've never said any of this to him.
I CAN'T. I don't know how. I don't know how to tell people that they're making me hate them. I'm trying not to but I do, all the rejection he's made me feel.
And people wonder why I don't like sport. 
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When you're a dad, shouldn't your children come first? I've just read something where they said they wouldn't put a woman before what they love doing most but...
Your kids? Your marriage? Shouldn't that have been in a whole different leage?
I wanna be noticed, I want him to care I exist. If I dissapeared I'd want it to have some kind of impact on him. It wouldn't.
'Cause when it comes down to it, maybe Hugh was right.
"He wouldn't notice if Rose went instead of you."
Can't even cry, I'm just numb. I don't want to go and see Catie tomorow anymore. My uncle is such an amazing dad and she's going to have such a perfect life. Except I'm in it, because I want to be. I wanna be involved with my cousin more than ny dad ever wanted to be involved with me. I don't wanna go and see they're stupid fucking perfect family, and what real dad's are like.
I don't want that, not now. Not all that rubbed in my face.
I guess what I'm saying is everything that you do, everything that you don't effects somebody.
Tonight after I started typing I remebered things I didn't even know I'd forgotten.
Everything you do has an impact.
When that comes back on you you can't complain because whatever you think at being yelled at about is half what the persons gone thru finding the guts to say it all in the first place.
That is, if you're like me.
And everything will remain unsaid. God, I couldn't even tell some twat in my maths class the shut up 'cause he was upsetting me.
Nothing goes unnoticed.
Everything has an impact.
And yes, it is your fault, I DO blame you.
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. I just... I was still kinda upset and stuff and Felix wouldn't stop winding me up and stuff and then Alex joined in and I kind of snapped at him. Plus he thinks I think he's gay. It's best not to ask really 
. And Felix was being mean to Rose about her clothes and stuff, she's jokey in front of him but she told me he's actually making her really self concious. So :/. Kinda crappy day and after my kinda snapping at him Alex probably won't talk to me again. He wouldn't even look at me. Well, I think that was partly to do with the fact Rose said he was trying to flirt badly. Lol.
. Mike was sweet tho, apprently now I'm online it's his job to make me happy & stuff. Him comepletly over dosing on energy drink having nothing at all to do with it 
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, can't comepletly relax because it's also my introductary vitsit for child dev. but it'll be mostly fun, all I have to do this time is find out heights and weights and general stuff like that. Bit worried about seeing my uncle tho :/, I don't get why we're so awkward, we never used to be... 
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. Ahh well.
. Everything that way-wise was okay in the end. Well, mostly. But there was this guy on the next table in the pasta bar that kept staring at me which made me feel really uncomfortable. But yeah, apart from that it was all good 
. I'm freaking out about all these things I've got and I used to just think like "Oooh, boring. Crap." now it's like.. "crappp, i can't do it." In the first 2 weeks. I'm just.. so uncomfortable with me. I feel awkward with everything about me. I had to do that presentation and one of the chav guys was sweet, I was talking with Kailee about OMGI'VEGOTTOSTANDUPINFRONTOFEVERYONEI'MGUNNADIE! And I talked a bit about it with him aswell 'cause he was sposed to be before me but forgot his stuff. He said I was being stupid and I'd be fine. And wooped me, so I was like, awwww.
. I guess first I need to try and get the blushing under control. It was getting better but it's got worse again. I just.. I sometimes feel like I'm constantly being watched and critisised by everyone around me.. then I think about it and kick myself in mind for being stupid. 'Cause I know it's stupid. But I still can't help it.
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Embarrassing but funny, I guess it just got really really hyper that and he kept giving me Rose & Jemma evils. So nahh. Whatever. I'm over it. 
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It was a shock. XD
