We went back to the Dyscovery Centre today. It was good, mum and Dr.Kerby had a long meeting first and then we all went in. Dr.K thinks that this course at South Devon College is perfect and I think that’s given mum the reassurance about it she needs, which is defiantly a good thing. I kinda wish she’d just listened to me when I said she’s made the right decision tho.
Partly because it’s going to be helpful and partly because John has a lot of free time they’ve also given him an independent learning course to be doing, when he’s done it he’s got something about level with an NVQ and can do the next level up in it afterwards if he wants to.
I have to help to do some survey thing. Just about being his sister and how it affects me. I can’t tell the truth tho, because face it, I’m talking to my mum, if I said anything that I wasn’t happy about she’s get all upset and angry and tell me that she was doing her best and I should take that into consideration and then ask me if I’m happy every 6 seconds for the next 2 years.
Not worth it.
So here’s what I’d really say: I feel second best.
It just always seems to be as long as John’s ok. I mean, I know it has to be like that but sometimes I think I’d like to be first sometime… just once. Like.. me and my mum never get any time just us, then when we do John wants something he can’t get himself she has to go and sort him out rather than making him wait. He’s always interrupting me when I’m talking about something and most’ve the time she lets him they talk about what they want to talk about and then when it comes back to me I’m too pissed off to be bothered with saying anything anyway. And then she keeps telling me that she’s taking me shopping, but I always get rushed so John doesn’t get bored and then start panicking and never buy anything and then get yelled at for not having any clothes. But as long as John’s ok.
I know I sound horrible. I’m absolutely everything that I hate at the moment but I can’t change it. I like who I am when I’m with my friends because then I’m this… I’m happier when I’m with them I’m like this kewl (haha, yeah right) person who has friends.. I feel part of something. But when I’m at home.. but majority of the time when I’m at home I’m sad. Ok, sometimes want my friends to want to know about everything that’s going on with me rather than ignore me when I’m sad but Rose even asked about everything with Hugh and what was going on on Sunday and it was just… nice. But now I’m here and everything is all in a knot in my stomach. I don’t even feel upset about Hugh and mum or the stuff with my dad at the moment. It’s just me. I’m everything I hate. I’m reading thru one of mum’s diary books at the moment and there’s this thing in it about positive thinking where this boy had to list something like 10 things he liked about himself. I couldn’t do that.
As I said – everything I am I hate. And I can’t seem to change, I can’t seem to make myself loose weight and completely blew my diet again today and I know I won’t go jogging tomorrow cause I’m too tired, I don’t sleep properly anymore. Half the time I feel… I think it’s anxious and there isn’t any way of calming me down. I’m panicking something bad’s going to happen even when nothing is. I hate thinking like something is going to go wrong… I was getting better but now I’m worried John’s going to have a seizure all the time.. whenever we go out so I’m not enjoying myself cause I’m freaking out about him. And I feel bad about John cause I keep being horrible to him. I can’t help it tho, I just really resent him at the moment. I just feel like.. all this Hugh/dad/various shit is being dumped on me and he doesn’t even know… he doesn’t really care about mum and Hugh and what’s going on yet I’m worrying about it all the time. And then how he just has to have everything his way or there’s this massive thing… I should be used to it it’s always been like it but at the moment it’s pissing me off so much. And then there’s the fact that sometimes when we’re talking about things with people being selfish or mum’s yelling at me for something I haven’t done he’ll come in with something like “I learnt a long time ago you can’t always have what I want” and then her just letting him go on and on at me but if I do it to him I get told to stop it because it’s not good for self esteem and we’re lucky it’s a good as it is.
Then I think what about my self esteem. Then I think what self esteem?
I actually only got it when I was writing it. I knew something about it was annoying me… but that’s what it is.. I resent him. He doesn’t have to worry about anything yet I’m worrying about everything. Whenever he’s stressed everything has to be perfect for him but whenever I want that I’m being stupid and I just think I’m better than everyone but I’m not I’m crap etc.
I don’t want this. I wanna get away. Get the hell out of here away from everyone because everything is eating my insides. In my mind I’m deciding people don’t like me anymore just because they do one thing and then being paranoid everyone that I know hates me and then they invite me out and I have an amazing day and then feel guilty for thinking badly about them…
I just… FUCK. I’m frying my brain. I’m tired. I feel sick. I’m hungry. And I think my internal organs are eating themselves. I need to cry but I can’t. I need to stop being horrible to John but I can’t.
Ok. I can. I might try and avoid him tomorrow. How do I do that?
Fuck fuck FUCK
