No prizes for guessing what I'm upset about :roll:

Hugh is still making a big thing about the fact that mum doesn't want him staying the night here anymore. Saying things like there's no future.. but what kind of future was there anyway? Whenever someone mentions marriage in front of him (he even said this in front of my mum's dad) "Pfft no thanks".
And.. what happened with mum was his fault. She's told me that it was, it wasn't because of me and I'm never going to forgive him for saying it was. I didn't know what was going to happen on that night... it'd be gradually getting worse and I was 10 for fucks sake. Oh yes your mum is being taken in to hospital because she can't breathe properly anymore. Not that you'd get upset or anything U-(. Ok, I guess if it happened now then I'd have more control. But ARGH.. being told it was my fault was so not what I needed to hear. And she was on a heart machine and everything..
Anyway, that wasn't my point. Just last night after he left I got told a load more horrible things that he had said.. and then when I got angry I'm being unfair. I wish they'd just sort it out because I really can't handle much more of this.. whatever they had went a long time ago.
I know I'm being selfish but what they're doing isn't fair. I don't care if it's hard for them, being told all these things and then being expected not to be angry isn't fair. Being expected not to say anything.. just to be nice. How the fuck am I supposed to be nice? He treats her horribly. Everything she does isn't good enough and he just..
Y'know, if they'd worked out and got married and stuff I might've had a big sister. That only occured to me last night when suprise surpise it made me cry again.
I preger crying tho.
A lot of the time I just get suck in between being really angry and needing to cry and then everything just hurts.
If they're going to finish it I wish they'd just do it.
I don't even see why they don't. Hugh.. I have no idea why he's sticking around as he thinks that coming around here is pointless anyway.. and mum feels sorry for him.
To be honest I have to say I don't think my mum's been fair.
This has been on my mind for a while now :-/ but it just sounds harsh if I say it. She hasn't been fair tho... When her parents were breaking up she told me that her mum told her that she was going to leave her dad when her and Julian left home, and that she always felt really awful for him knowing that everything was going to end for him... but the thing is.. a couple of months ago now she told me that she didn't feel anything for hugh anymore.. and that when we were gone she couldn't see anything happening just being her and him... so then.. isn't what she's done pretty much the same? She hasn't wanted to be with him anymore for over a year.. and even tho I hate him more than anything else in the universe I can't help thinking that I feel kinda sorry for him. The person he supposedly loves was only with him because she felt sorry for him... and didn't want him to end up alone.
He should be alone. He doesn't deserve anyone around the love him ever. He could of had a family, and could have been our dad he was around from such a young age.. but no, he didn't want any of it. He rejected that. Which makes me feel so great U-(
But then I also thought last night.. my dad and Hugh are the same in this way.. I know for a fact that if I was into sports and my lifes ambition was to move to Australia that Hugh would like me.. if all I wanted was to go sailing and didn't watch Hollyoaks and was confident and didn't get upset and wasn't shy and didn't get self cooncious and didn't.. didn't do everything that I do that he would like me. He would. I know it... and in that way I think that my dad is the same, I think that if I was really into golf then he would be around all the time being a proper dad..
No one wants me to be how I am. Even mum doesn't.. not really, she still gets mad at me for being sad sometimes even tho I can't help it. I can't help how I am.. god knows how many times I've decided that I'm not going to be like me anymore.. But I can't help it. I am how I am and am apprently really bad at changing that.

So yeah.
Reject.
And that isn't an over statement.

Blink 182.

Stay Together For The Kids.

It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all.
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day.

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost.
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them every day
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants and this is what
she wants
Then why is there so much pain?

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right
It's not right
It's not right
It's not right..

I don't care if this post was really irritating.
And stupid.
Cause it was.. I know
I bet I'll read back over it sometime and cringe at my feel sorry myself-ness.

I'm right tho...