Archive - Angst? Me? Never.

Had a really like.. horrible dream last night. Sounds lame but it's bothering me a lot.
We all have to go out with Hugh this afternoon. I don't know what they think they're going to acheive by it. We're never going to be a family, we could have been, but he never wanted it. So all of this is just pointless shit. It's so stupid that you can feel rejected by someone you hate so much. He came in while I was 4. Katie's step-dad came in when she was 4. Difference. Hugh never wanted to marry my mum, he never wanted to help us.. he doesn't want us around. With Katie.. her mum and step-dad got married and had Erica, he wanted to be around for it all.. so why didn't Hugh? But even after all that stuff her mum & step-dad are just getting divorced. If this is like.. love.. You can keep it.
I sort of have this ideal in my head, it's stupid, cause I never really used to care that much. But even tho I kept telling myself I didn't believe it.. I honestly thought she was going to finish it this time. I thought it could all finish, it was.. exciting, the idea that none of this would have to matter anymore. When we went on the holiday without him it felt so free, even mum said it.. We kept talking about how much better it was without him, how we didn't have to worry about all the restrictions, we could do what we wanted. I don't understand why she's forgotten all that. Why we're back here again. I can't.. There is nothing inside me that understands. Loving someone isn't enough, but I still can't ask. So, in a way, she must have been lying to me. She did lie. I just wanted it all to be over, so on the first night we were away, I asked if he was gone, she said yes he was. I said "promise?" She said yes, cause she didn't want to be back here again. And yet, here we are. Or here I am. No one else cares. I want to ask her why, but I know what the answer will be. I hate him for showing up. everything was ok till he came. We'd had 3 days just us, and mum was feeling really good, she was sure that it was all over and kept telling me how amazing we were going to be on our own. It was.. scary, exciting.
And then.. the next morning. Everything was wrong again. He'd been calling her in the night crying, telling her that he would be different.. that everything was going to be ok and please not to hang up because he loved her, and that he was actually only a few miles away and he'd come and see us and sort everything out. She said, ok, come and see me. I'll never forgive her for that. Even after everything he's done she doesn't want to hurt him. So I don't matter now, I keep saying we but the fact is that it is just me, John's on his side.
I remember, after she told me he was coming, I went and put the shower on and cried, a lot.. Just.. crying you can't stop because of her being so weak. Letting him back in even after swearing to me that she wouldn't. I didn't go downdstairs the whole time he was there, I saw him when he arrived but I just.. sometimes just seeing him is unbearable because I hate him so much. Everything that's wrong is because of him. Everything. Y'know, the day he showed up was my day aswell. When we were up there, the thing I really wanted to do was to go to York, and we had it all planned out for that day, and how amazing is was going to be. We went another day, but the whole thing was completly fucked up by then so there was hardly any point.
She did one thing for me on that day, she told him to go home.
Next morning. He's been horrible on the phone. Apprently it's all my fault, because I didn't go downstairs. Why should I have done tho? WHY should I?! What exactly did I owe him?
So now he's back, and they fallen out, and I'm being told more things, and I'm angry, but I can't say anything. I was toying with the idea of throwing a rock thru his car window, at him maybe. Wanting to hurt him is a new thing actually. I never used to want to actually physically harm people that I hated. But he's different. He's horrible to my mum he made John go beserk with the hitting anf thumping and stuff so many times. It was every night, and not just in an annoying way, in a way that I hated that actually made me cry.. like.. leaving marks on him and stuff. But that's just John. You take it to someone who's being paid to help and they shrug at you.
The thing is, it's actually been prooved that we're fine without Hugh. When John had hsi seizure he wasn't here, he was on the other side of the world. But me & mum coped. She had me to make sure she was ok, she doesn't even NEED him. Seriously tho, if there's the chance.. fuck I hate saying this, but if there's the chance that your son isn't going to wake up from something you don't exactly want your boyfriend to be on the otherside of the world. We're fine without him, if something happened with John again I'd tell him to fuck off. He wasn't here last time, we don't need him. I coped, we coped. If he was there he'd send me away, like he always does. Make someone take me home.
Or tell me it was my fault. I was 10. My mum was really really ill and I didn't know what was going on. Course you wouldn't cry when someone you hated told you you weren't allowed to stay with her. That you had to go home. Make you leave her. Another tick on the list of things I'm never going to forgive him for.
I bet no one'll even read this.
Sometimes, when you've told someone something a million times, and then they just carry on anyway. I begin to get the feeling... they're attention seeking.

I love this song.
Paramore - Never Let This Go.

Doing some terrible singing will hopefully cheer me up :>>