God what an up and down day. I know I'm writing again but I'm kinda... I've come to a decision (I know, scary).
I'm quitting telling people things. Or... to be more specific, I'm quitting telling my mum things. I just.. in the last week or so.. I've been mean to John, I know I have and today.. and yesterday I think, I've made an effort to be nice, but now he's being horrible to me. Everything I do he's like "Eurgh". And I'm not saying it's more than it is, everything I do: Eurgh. And the thing is, when I've got annoyed and said that he's not being fair he yells at me for a while but then when I honestly look upset he goes "Sorry everything's all my fault i'm pathetic"... etc and Mum'll instantly say "i'ts ok"
I'T'S NOT OH-FUCKING-KAY. Whenever I say anything it's like.. leave John alone. HE KNOWS this annoys me, but whever I'm watching anything that I watch at the same time every single fucking day he'll still say "eurgh you're watching that". Well YES I only do y'know EVERY SINGLE DAY. And then when I ask something and can't be bothered to get up (as he does every single time he wants something) and decide to yell it's all "stop shouting" and then when I get annoyed about that he starts hitting and biting himself. ARGGGHGHHHHHHH.
So after about an hour of it it was really getting to me and making me nervous and I started pinching the back of my hand or the side of my neck or something. This isn't an s/h thing, it's just something I do when someone has wound me up beyond the point on being angry. It's basically ok I'm going to cry in a minute. Like.. after the last post I was really happy but it all started up again after 10 minutes of finishing. And at that point was when all the pinching myself stuff started. It's just ALWAYS as long as John's ok.
And so after all this I went to see my mum. I told her what was happening she didn't... she didn't appear to even care. She's like this whenever I say something about John but I'm usually pissed off when I say, and I guess.. I guess I thought that she'd go and say something to him cause I was as worked up as I was but she just.. didn't do anything. It isn't fair.
To put it to extreme:
"Yes Lydia throw yourself out the window John's ok with that."
Drama queen bitch
I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
So yeah, I quit talking about stuff. She always chooses them over me, she watches Big Brother with me but now that gets ditched cause she'd rather do stuff with John and Hugh. It's always Them And Me, never Us.
And I've sorted myself out. I cried for a while out of.. frustration. It's not just this Beanie going on at me about my diet has reminded me of me being the fat ugly fat person. Hairspray made me stop thinking about that... lol. I keep losing my point.
So yeah, I cried lots angry kinda argh somsone kill me now please that would be fine I don't care if it's painful (not dramatic at all eh? 
) type thing for actually not very long (thru Stay Together For The Kids I think) and then decided to sort myself out. Because to be honest, I hate crying in front of people more than anything, I've nearly been sick at school before because I didn't want to cry in front of anyone. Actually, when I need to at school I physically can't.
So hahahaha all the people who upset me but appearing not to give a shit when I talk to you.
"are you ok?"
"yep".
Answer always. I can sort myself out. And I know that now. I knew that from the first time I knew I couldn't tell anyone what it was in Detling last year. Giving myself a talking to at 5am in a tent. But it was kewl. I wasn't sick again from the ohmygodi'velostmybrainsomsonekillme-ness.
I don't think I seriously want to die tho, like when I get really badly upset. I sort it out quickly. I mean I'm still sad but not in the way I was before. I don't think I can mean anything I think when I'm badly upset. I just.. is there any way of controlling how worked up you get?
Because.. with the getting sick.. I don't want it to get bad again, I mean, I haven't tonight but I'm getting soo worked up about every single stupid little things that happen to me, and I'm never happy for longer than a couple of hours.
Argh I hate being me.
I actually do.
Lots of people don't really mean it when they say that.
But I loathe myself.
I feel better.
And I'm not pretending to be someone else.
I stayed as me
And sorted myself out
is it wierd that I'm proud of myself? 
OMFG
MY CEILING
IS COVERED IN BUGS
THERE IS NO CEILING
JUST BIGS
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG
But noooo HOT FIT ETC.
But I'm ok today.
