Angst? Me? Never.

Worried. Smudge (rabbit) is ill again . He hasn't eaten anything for 2 days. I know it sounds kinda dumb but I love him to peices and I don't want it to be anything bad. We're taking him to the vet this afternoon. I hope he's ok and it's something that the vet can just fix. I hope it isn't his teeth.. he's had an operation on them once which was risky cause rabbits don't always react well to anesthetics but he's 6 now so.. :/. He has to be ok.
I was nearly sick three times last night cause I was panicking. He gets sick quite a lot tho really and he's always ok. I was just.. scared . He's so lovely and I don't wanna loose him.
Seeing the Hot Sainsbury's Guy didn't help today. My stomach is in too many knots.
Sounds dumb, but when everything is bad with mum and Hugh and John's playing up and dad is being useless.. Smudge is the one I go and hug.
Mum keeps bringing up the dad thing. I mentioned in Sainsbury's that it was upsetting me and then when she said she was useless and shouldn't be saying all these things to me I didn't tell her it was fine like I normally do. It isn't fine, so I'm not going to pretend. Not gunna tell her to shut up either but still, I didn't say it was fine which is something.
AOL is being really weird today. I'm typing this offline so I don't loose it cause writing helps but I can never be bothered to type it all over again when I loose something. It's lost connection twice and I've been online less than 10 minutes. I don't know why. It's since we got the digital tv it's been worse but that isn't connection to the phoneline so I don't know how that could be affecting it. If anyone knows help would be nice [
BB final tonight. Hugh's not coming . I guess no one would get it accept me.. it's just when there's something you do together, even if it is just watching tv, and someone else comes in and ruins it... I don't like it.
Anyhoo, have a plan for cheering up mum. I'm going to try and get a David Tennant autograph for her. I've found an address which is apprently valid and there's this autograph collectors site and I asked a couple of people on there what I have to do and they said you have to write a letter and say why you want it. 3 months wait tho :/ but that would mean it should be here for Christmas. I can't afford it tho :/. I only had to idea day before yesterday and I spent all my money on a Funeral For A Friend cd so now I have about £1.40. And I need to buy a stamp and too big envelopes.. and a bit of cardboard to stop it from bending and stuff. I was thinking of using the back of a cereal packet but he might think that's a bit lame. Cause it is. But whatever, as long a he writes back I don't think it matters. And how to you pay postage? :S I don't know. I just assumed letters came to you. Does that mean I have to put in a spare stanp on the second envelope?
I never send/receive letters I e mail people so I have no idea :S. Ahh well, maybe I'll explain a bit in the letter and hopefully he'll just think I'm a stupid idiot (he's not wrong) and send it back anyway.
John coming in and telling me when he's booked the tv is really begining to piss me off.
I DON'T CARE GET OUT OF MY ROOM YOU LOONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ahem.

We've seen him once in 2 months.
John got his results, he hasn't called. He texted and said he hoped it was ok.. he was on holiday at this point. He's been back a week but still hasn't called. And then MANDY calls FOR HIM today and says it's Saturday. 2 days before. Which means I/we couldn't make any plans for this weekend because of not knowing what's happening with him.
That's one of the things I hate about him, he just assumes that I'll always be here no matter what he's doing, waiting for him to take us out for a few hours so he can watch golf while I slowly die of boredom.
This has been bothering me anyway.
Not helped by mum telling me how stupid she thinks it is every 5 seconds.
Thanks, I need it so much.
But whatever, I've been here before. There's no point in saying anything. God forbid me get upset.

Argghhh, really worried about Resh now. A couple of days ago she went out for a meal with some of her friends and on their way back some men drove past and yelled "fucking n**" out the window and threw rocks at them . One of them hit her in the leg and the other one hit her friend in the head. They were all too shaken to get round to calling the police and she hasn't told her parents She said that it wouldn't help cause it's happened before and probably will again and all they'll do is worry and ban her from going out after 5. So I guess there's nothing I can do. We were talking about police and stuff but then she said that was pointless cause they'd just be let out again. It's stupid, seriously. There's got to be something wrong with you if you think throwing rocks at a bunch of 15 year olds because of their race is ok. Fucking hell. I just.. I can't understand what is wrong with some people. And like.. this sort of thing has happened to her before, she was mugged when she was younger and didn't get over that for ages. She says she's stronger now and will cope better but she shouldn't have to, it shouldn't be happening in the first place. What kind of parent could even.. explain bringing their child up like that? Why would you do that? Why.. I don't understand any of it. I don't want to understand. It's fucking ridiculous. More than that. One night in a cell isn't enough. And then these guys might go and do it to someone else. Hurling rocks at people's heads, how long till they fucking kill someone?

I just.. ARGHHH. I'm really worried about her now She doesn't deserve this.. no one does.

I never know what to call these posts. I eiter bit random song names or something boring.

This blog helps me loads . I managed to ask mum about some things I was talking about on here yesterday last night. About how she said she felt so free without him. I just said that it seemed like everyone had forgotten abot everything that we talked about exept me and that I kind of didn't understand it. But the thing is, when I actually find the nerve to say it I can't follow it thru like, I have to pretend I have to go and do something cause I don't want to know her answer. Mainly because I know her answer will be saying I'm wrong when I know I'm right. Or she'll be sticking up for Hugh and I don't want to hear that anymore cause it hurts too much. I sound lame again.

Beckie won't talk to me anymore. I don't know what I've done. I hate not knowing where I stand with people. This happens to me all the time, I'm trying really hard to help people and then they suddenly turn against me and hate my guts when I don't think I've done anything wrong. Mum does this a lot aswell . And Hugh actually, with John. Hugh's messing around so John gets over hyper and then when he's all over excited Hugh'll say something to comepletly put him down and get all annoyed when it was Hugh that started the whole thing off in the first place.
And he's completly fucked up mum's work for the next few days. He's told this client of his that mum'll do all his typing up for the next few days when she actually does't have time and this guys writing is impossible to read, and apprently most of what you can read doesn't make sense. Why can't he do his won bloody typing?

Trying to help Beccay. (different one) I feel really sorry for her . One of her friends died about a year ago and she went to put some flowers on his grave yesterday and when she got there she found someone had graffitied all over it... She then had to go and tell his parents what had happened, which was awful. I seriously don't understand who would be fucking sick enough to deface and headstone. What.. how could you possibly get any pleasure out of doing something like that?
I didn't know how to help, I just like.. said I hoped they could clean it up. I think I might have helped a bit with some of her other stuff tho, there's this guy who's kind of.. not the best boyfriend material (known to be a lot of an arsehole) but he's been going on about liking her, so she was gunna tell him she'd changed her mind yesterday but when she went round to his he was kissing her best mate
I told her to give him to nice kick in the balls . And she laughed so like.. I hope she feels a teennyy bit better.

Did anyone watch that Little Devil thing that's been on ITV the last few weeks?
Hugh and mum watched it with me last night.

xxx

Had a really like.. horrible dream last night. Sounds lame but it's bothering me a lot.
We all have to go out with Hugh this afternoon. I don't know what they think they're going to acheive by it. We're never going to be a family, we could have been, but he never wanted it. So all of this is just pointless shit. It's so stupid that you can feel rejected by someone you hate so much. He came in while I was 4. Katie's step-dad came in when she was 4. Difference. Hugh never wanted to marry my mum, he never wanted to help us.. he doesn't want us around. With Katie.. her mum and step-dad got married and had Erica, he wanted to be around for it all.. so why didn't Hugh? But even after all that stuff her mum & step-dad are just getting divorced. If this is like.. love.. You can keep it.
I sort of have this ideal in my head, it's stupid, cause I never really used to care that much. But even tho I kept telling myself I didn't believe it.. I honestly thought she was going to finish it this time. I thought it could all finish, it was.. exciting, the idea that none of this would have to matter anymore. When we went on the holiday without him it felt so free, even mum said it.. We kept talking about how much better it was without him, how we didn't have to worry about all the restrictions, we could do what we wanted. I don't understand why she's forgotten all that. Why we're back here again. I can't.. There is nothing inside me that understands. Loving someone isn't enough, but I still can't ask. So, in a way, she must have been lying to me. She did lie. I just wanted it all to be over, so on the first night we were away, I asked if he was gone, she said yes he was. I said "promise?" She said yes, cause she didn't want to be back here again. And yet, here we are. Or here I am. No one else cares. I want to ask her why, but I know what the answer will be. I hate him for showing up. everything was ok till he came. We'd had 3 days just us, and mum was feeling really good, she was sure that it was all over and kept telling me how amazing we were going to be on our own. It was.. scary, exciting.
And then.. the next morning. Everything was wrong again. He'd been calling her in the night crying, telling her that he would be different.. that everything was going to be ok and please not to hang up because he loved her, and that he was actually only a few miles away and he'd come and see us and sort everything out. She said, ok, come and see me. I'll never forgive her for that. Even after everything he's done she doesn't want to hurt him. So I don't matter now, I keep saying we but the fact is that it is just me, John's on his side.
I remember, after she told me he was coming, I went and put the shower on and cried, a lot.. Just.. crying you can't stop because of her being so weak. Letting him back in even after swearing to me that she wouldn't. I didn't go downdstairs the whole time he was there, I saw him when he arrived but I just.. sometimes just seeing him is unbearable because I hate him so much. Everything that's wrong is because of him. Everything. Y'know, the day he showed up was my day aswell. When we were up there, the thing I really wanted to do was to go to York, and we had it all planned out for that day, and how amazing is was going to be. We went another day, but the whole thing was completly fucked up by then so there was hardly any point.
She did one thing for me on that day, she told him to go home.
Next morning. He's been horrible on the phone. Apprently it's all my fault, because I didn't go downstairs. Why should I have done tho? WHY should I?! What exactly did I owe him?
So now he's back, and they fallen out, and I'm being told more things, and I'm angry, but I can't say anything. I was toying with the idea of throwing a rock thru his car window, at him maybe. Wanting to hurt him is a new thing actually. I never used to want to actually physically harm people that I hated. But he's different. He's horrible to my mum he made John go beserk with the hitting anf thumping and stuff so many times. It was every night, and not just in an annoying way, in a way that I hated that actually made me cry.. like.. leaving marks on him and stuff. But that's just John. You take it to someone who's being paid to help and they shrug at you.
The thing is, it's actually been prooved that we're fine without Hugh. When John had hsi seizure he wasn't here, he was on the other side of the world. But me & mum coped. She had me to make sure she was ok, she doesn't even NEED him. Seriously tho, if there's the chance.. fuck I hate saying this, but if there's the chance that your son isn't going to wake up from something you don't exactly want your boyfriend to be on the otherside of the world. We're fine without him, if something happened with John again I'd tell him to fuck off. He wasn't here last time, we don't need him. I coped, we coped. If he was there he'd send me away, like he always does. Make someone take me home.
Or tell me it was my fault. I was 10. My mum was really really ill and I didn't know what was going on. Course you wouldn't cry when someone you hated told you you weren't allowed to stay with her. That you had to go home. Make you leave her. Another tick on the list of things I'm never going to forgive him for.
I bet no one'll even read this.
Sometimes, when you've told someone something a million times, and then they just carry on anyway. I begin to get the feeling... they're attention seeking.

I love this song.
Paramore - Never Let This Go.

Doing some terrible singing will hopefully cheer me up

I'LLLLLLLLLLL NEVER LET THIS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BUT I CAN'T FIND THE WORDS TO TELL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Mum & Hugh were arguing all last night.
I said I told you so to her. She didn't get mad at me.

Basically mum hasn't been very happy the last couple of days, and when Hugh came round he went "Ugh, miserable AGAIN!" (BASTARD. But I'm telling the story so I'll go into colourful language later). She doesn't know why she's feeling bad, but it isn't helped by the fact that Hugh is pressuring her to go on holiday with him and leave us behind. She doesn't want to go, because one time they went away and he was really horrible to her the whole time.. And she doesn't wanna leave us... and my gran is horrible to me about everything all the time when she's down and mum isn't here . I would say leave us on our own, but then I wouldn't be able to sleep for a week making sure John was ok.
Anyway, so they went out, and I knew what was coming when they came home (lol). Mum told me they'd be home about 11.30/midnight so like.. when she got back at 11 I was pretty suprised. It's cause her mobile went off in the cinema and then her phone wouldn't tell her who called or give her her messages because she doesn't have credit. So she went out of the cinema and called me to see if it was me that called (cause I would have had to call her quickly if anything happened with John epilepsi-wise). So when she called me and the phone was engaged (cause I was online) She thought it could have been me calling an ambulance cause they keep you on the phone and stuff. So her and Hugh had to leave to come and make sure everything was ok (which of course it was, but I feel really sorry for mum thinking it wasn't, or might not have been). And Hugh was alrightish about it, but when they got back and everything was fine she was like.. apoligising and stuff and he said to her "well GO IN then!". Like, meanly.
So . Fucking twat.
Oh yeah, also, whenever mum is talking to someone and they can't leave he's really rude to the person. And when they were due to go (so they didn't miss the film) he was on the phone to Callie, so mum just said, "Sorry, but we've really got to go" And he had a go at her again and went "what do you want me do, hang up?" I just don't think that was neccisary, she only asked once. I hate him. I kind of wish she hadn't told me. It shows tho, this is never going to be over. Because she can't hurt him and he's too spineless to finish. Probably cause he knows no one else woud be fucking stupid enough to have him.
So they're definatly back together.
I can tell by the fact that they're arguing.
So it's never going to stop, the only way I can get away from it is by moving out. But I'm 14. And it would like.. really hurt my mum if I left as soon as I hit 16. I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I'm sick of being so angry about it all the time when the solution is so blindingly obvious. Just neither of them will do it.
What kind of shit boyfriend doesn't want to be around and starts being horrible as soon as you're unhappy?
I've been living with it contsantly for the last few days, he's here for one evening and he's already been horrible.
You can't be like that.
I hate him.
Why does she care so much about hurting him?
It's like the fact that he's hurt us doesn't matter.
I know this is mean to say but she's comepletly chosen him over me. There's a massive part of me that wants to say all this stuff but I know I never can.
Or as Josh said "Can't, or won't?".
I don't know. But it's not just like I won't, I actually can't. I want to. But I can't. This is stupid.
I can't be because I'd feel bad. After everything Hugh's done telling him exactly what I think about everything shouldn't make me feel bad. Tho actually.
Oh fuck why did I think that.
How much of it has he actually done to me?
Which would mean it's all my mum's fault.
Or maybe it's just mine.

Ok, this has gone just a bit weird.

I feel dead. Well, not dead but not alive. Not crying tho, which is a good thing as I think Blink 182 were getting a bit sick of it (don't ask).
I probably shouldn't say this but I don't want to be dealing with it on my own anymore.
On one side, Beckie making me think she's going to have bled to death by the morning...
On the other side Jesse telling me that she's going to kill herself. For the second night running.
I don't know what to say.
What can I say?
I don't want you to kill yourself but I can't stop you... but then if she went and did it then it'd be my fault.
And with Beckie.. she refuses to get offline help so I don't know what to do.
I used to be really good at understanding. But the more I fill my head up with shit the less I understand everyone elses.
Mum & Hugh are out on their own.
I said something about it being blindingly obvious they's back together yesterday night and mum didn't deney it.
I call it spineless.
But then I feel mean so I can't actually call it that.
John's had his tablet and gone to bed.
But last time it was just me & him something weird happened with the epilepsi just after mum got back. And it's really hot today so I'm too scared to go to bed cause if I feel asleep and something happened...
Well, I'm not even gunna go there.
So I have to stay WIDE AWAKE.
This isn't helped by the fact I had no sleep last night because there was a massive spider in the house that I couldn't stop thinking about and I was too hot. I would get myself coffee or something but then I think I would actually boil over.
I'm hungry.
It might be a bit ironic to have breakfast cereal.
But then it might not be cause I'm not actually 100% sure what ironic means or when you're sposed to say it.
It's too hotttttttttt.
I'm bored.
My back hurts.
I'm miserable.
Mum & hugh are back together.
All my online friends want to kill themselves.

Guys suprise me sometimes. Cause like.. even online it's completly obvious they don't wanna talk about your problems and stuff. But last night, I was getting worked up about mum & Hugh again. I heard him make a mean comment about us to one of his friends the other day. I told my mum and she stood up for him. And yeah, I've felt shit again since then.
And I just kinda splurged about it in chat cause I was getting like.. upset and stuff. And Josh actually like.. listened. He talked to me about it and stuff. He was kinda harsh a couple of times but still y'know.. right. I left after a while tho just cause. But yeah, and I've been thinking about what he said a lot, and I guess it makes sense. So.. I came on this morning and he'd e mailied me saying sorry if he was harsh but he knows being like that makes people talk.
Weirdness.
Just in, people ignore me a lot when I talk and stuff, and then they never like.. e mail. Awww.

Had a pointless argument about sofas online last night.
Mainly because someone we talk to who says he's a guy has a Bebo as a girl.
Weird.
But why would a girl pretend to be a guy online?
That's just weird.

I have to go back to school in a couple of weeks.
Omg I'm a year 10.
That's weird.
I'm actually really worried about going back to school cause I'm sure I'm going to fail all of them and be terrible at everything that I've picked.
Ahhh helllppp.
And John goes back to school later than me. Has Mondays off. Always breaks up earlier than me.
Not faiirrrr.
Oh yeah, and has no homework. Which stress-wise for my mum is going to be a good thing I guess.
It just isn't fair, just as I'm going to start getting coursework and shit

Anyway, I have to go and stare at the Hot Sainsbury's Guy now.

xxxxxx

John got all the grades he was supposed to get, and got a C in drama when he was predicted a D. So he did really well
And Rose got her A.
So we're all good [:

Got over my last night wierdness. I think so anyway.
It's just like that in evenings, you - well, i - start thinking about all the stuff that thinking about is a bad idea.
Lol :S.
John's getting his GCSE results tomorow. I need to ring Rose to find out where I'm meeting her and Imé.
It doesn't make me feel stupid that 2 of my friends did a GCSE a year early at all.
Going out to Living Coasts place today with mum & John. I can't be bothered to meet up with anyone from school. I mean, I want to but don't somehow. I just don't know what I'll say. "Hows your summer been?"
Well...
I guess it hasn't been that bad. It just feels like it could have been better given everything that's happened. Still happpening. Or still happening as far as I'm concerned anyway.
Maybe it'll be good tho. My mornings gone ok, so hopefully that means today will be alright.
Gone ok meaning I managed to watch tv and put my makeup on without getting it all over my face or crying over a mnusic video.

I've... completly run out of things to say.

Do you ever get to the stage when you just don't know what to say anymore?
It's like... I'm trying really hard but nothing I say helps her, and she won't accpet help from anyone who actually knows what they're talking about.
And then even tho you haven't mentioned anything they start apoligising even tho I'm the one that can't seem to help.
I just don't know what to do. I want to help but I don't know how. And then whenever I can't deal with it I avoid it because I need to sort my head out for whatever reason.
I just.. I don't know what to say apart from the same old things. But then that's seems to be making it worse.
But I can't give up on her completly.
So I really don't know what to do anymore.
And then at the same time as that there's another person who's saying things. Sometimes I wanna get away from all the online stuff. I don't know how to help any of it. Because there's nothing I can say. Like.. I say that I'm there but that isn't enough cause they still feel like they do.
So I feel like shit when they're the ones with the problems.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i just sent the superman thing to beccay. (different one)
seeing as she is there in Lost when me & mike are having our slightly conversations. I assumed...

I get an e mail get

"i don't get it"

me: dw lol

"noooo, explain it to me"

I'd like to think she's joking.

Had a bad night last night
I don't really know what happened, it was one of those one minute I'm ok then I think about one and I'm seriously not. It's just.. for the past 2 weekends Hugh is here constantly and it's pissing me off. They're acting all couply even then when I ask mum gets pissed off with me and says they're not together. I just.. I don't understand how everyone seems to have completly forgotten everything. Mum pretty much said it's ok now cause he's making an effort. Yeah, and how long is that going to last? It isn't, for fucks sake. Everything he says and is is complete bullshit and I hate sitting around waiting for everything to go wrong again. And then when it does I'm going to get bitched at then then it's not fair when I get angry.
It's all them & me. Like.. it doesn't matter what I think as long as Hugh doesn't feel bad anymore. But I know I'm not being fair.
And then this Beckie stuff is worrying me a lot aswell and argh. Although she has just sent me something that's really made me laugh. 2 things actually.

Enjoy

Superman was bored. So he gave Batman a call. Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look after him.
>

>A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a

>few beers. Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

>

>As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see

>if she was free. As he landed on her balcony, he looked through the

>window and saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs open.

>

>Superman thought to himself: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I

could

>be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what was

>happening". So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew

>off happily.

>

>Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said: "Did you hear something?"

>

>"No," said the Invisible Man, "but my arse hurts like hell!"

That's actually Beckie's mum's. Ha her mum is kewl.
God I'm immature.

Something has gone very wrong the day you realise there are dog hairs in your tooth brush.

----

This is the fairy tale that should have been read to us when we were little:

Once upon a time

~~~~~~~~

In a land far away,

~~~~~~~~

A beautiful, independent,

Self-assured princess

~~~~~~~~

Happened upon a frog as she sat

Contemplating ecological issues

On the shores of an unpolluted pond

In a verdant meadow near her castle.

~~~~~~~~

The frog hopped into the princess' lap

And said: " Elegant Lady,

I was once a handsome prince,

Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

~~~~~~~~

One kiss from you, however,

And I will turn back

Into the dapper, young prince that I am

~~~~~~~~

And then, my sweet, we can marry

~~~~~~~~

And set up housekeeping in your castle

~~~~~~~~

With my mother,

~~~~~~~~

Where you can prepare my meals,

~~~~~~~~

Clean my clothes, bear my children,

~~~~~~~~

And forever feel

Grateful and happy doing so. "

~~~~~~~~

That night,

~~~~~~~~

As the princess dined sumptuously

~~~~~~~~

On lightly sauteed frog legs

~~~~~~~~

Seasoned in a white wine

~~~~~~~

And onion cream sauce,

~~~~~~~~

She chuckled and thought to herself:

~~~~~~~~

I don't fuckin think so.

That even made my mum laugh.

Argh. I hope I can sort this. Lol. I was uploading the pictures of Cate (that I'll put on later.. she's the luffliest baby in the univerrrssseee and she smiled and me loads and stuff and I'm gunna shut up else I'll never stop.. lol) Yeah, and I deleted this file because I didn't think I needed it anymore... I forgot that the camera was still plugged into the computer (and I didn't know what would happen anyway) and when I deleted the file it deleted all the pictures off the camera and I was sposed to be sorting them out for my Nan. Cause she has all her photos (like 300 of them) from when she went to Australia on there and I'm sposed to be getting them developed and stuff. But the photos are on the computer still and I can put them on disk and take them to a photo shop can't I? If not I'm dead. .. Well, I might not be, I don't know.

In other news... CATE IT SO GORGOUS. She is sooo lovelyyy, I've never met such a smiley baby. Thing is, I have nooo confidence with babies whatsoever so I could only muck around and make her laugh and stuff when no one but John wasd there. Cause my uncle.. he's another one my family I don't know what to say to. I don't mind that much anymore tho, I think he just doesn't like me very much. But I'm DEFINATLY making sure that doesn't happen with Cate.

Saw Hot Sainsbury's Guy aswell
Was good actually because John was being horrible for no reason and seeing the hottest guy that lives around here cheered me up. Yeah, I'm sad. But it's easier liking guys I don't actually know cause like.. yeah. When you're around someone a lot who you like and doesn't like you it's crap. But tbh, I hardly see him and only take as far in my head as BLOODY HELL HE'S HOT. Ahhh...
I don't care. There has to be something to make me smile, and once term starts again I probably won't see him cause I can never be bothered to go food shopping.
Omg, I start year 10 in like.. 3 weeks. Then it'll be September. Like.. 3 months and it's my birthday.
I'm actually nearly 15 now.
Weird.

It's sooo one of those mornings and it isn't even 9 yet .

Day starts by being woken up at 7.15 by next door having a skip delivered. 7.15?! Don't they get that's when diet giveupees are sleeping? So yeah, then I'm trying to get back to sleep, but mum is ranting at me about it and about the building work so I point out that it isn't permernent and when we had the new bathroom (ok, like a year ago but it's still an example) that it must have been pretty noisey. And then she said I only don't care cause it was Gareth. Which, ok... is slightly true but I'm still pissed off with her for saying it. So I've decided that from now if she does anymore ranting today I'm not bothering answering. And she's a hypocrite. She had a go at me last night about my temper which upset me a lot. And it's cause of her.
Whenever there's something really getting to me, she'll tell me a load of other stuff about it and make the whole thing 10 times worse but then won't let me deal with it by talking to the person that's making me angry and trying to sort things out. No. She dumps and me then I just have to live with it. And I don't care if I'm being selfish, HP (YESS!!!! SHE WAS FINALLY BACK ONLINE) told me that I wasn't being and that what mum was doing wasn't fair and that she shouldn't be dumping everything on me. But that's the thing, that's what she does, mum wants me to worry about all the things that she worries about and wants me to be terrified to do anything that'd make her worry. I don't know if it's conciously or sub-conciously, but she is doing it.
So yeah, I'm pissed off again and I needed somewhere to splurge before I yell at someone. Because I know in my mind the day I finally tell eveyone to FUCK OFF is coming very close. Lol. Feeling calmer.
We're going to see Catie today, which'll be kewl. I'm hopefully gunna take my camera if it has any charge, which it hopefully does because Rose wants to know what Catie looks like. Do you think it'd matter if I put her on here? Hmm... I dunno. I put me on here.. it's just the whole internet safety thing, I don't know if it's a good idea with a baby. But then.. why wouldn't it be? Ahh.. might be a friends only. But I wanna show her off to everyone cause she's gorgous.
Shit. Mum back.

Gtg.

xxxx

Ok, so, it's standard not having anything to do in the holidays day. I've found a band I really like on Scuzz in the last few days and I was trying to go into a chatroom on their website but it didn't work because of the dial up.
Also. Discovery. I KICK ASS at car games. John plays them all the time but I'm better than he is. So that's my acheiment for today .

ARGH I HATE AOL. Everytime I try to load something to do with Bebo this thing comes up, it says..:
Error 504 (Gateway Timeout) 'www.bebo.com' could not be found.
Does anyone know if that means Bebo has a problem or is it my computer? Cause I haven't been able to sort anything on my Bebo for days now and for once someone has actually commented me, but whenever I do anything that comes up.
So.. yeah, is it Bebo or me? Any answers on that would be good thanks [:

I wish my life had a speedy up button. There's this bit on SIMs where you press this button and it's goes fast thru the boring bits. I'd like to do that now cause I'm bored out of my mind. Rose isn't online but I want to ask if she's back yet. The only way I can is thru bebo because e mailing on my MSN is too annoying to be bothered with. And plus I don't think she ever checks her e mail.

So far it looks like the highlight of my day is going to be going to Homebase later.
Great.

OoOoOoh, went to see the Simpsons Movie last night, it was actually really funny, which was kewl as everyone told me it was going to be crap.
There was a hot guy in the cinema. On his own. Tbh, I think I'd rather go with John & Mum than on my own. But yeah, the film was really funny. So if you like the Simpsons and you need something the cheer you up go and see it . Or Hairspray. Tbh, I'd rather have gone and seen that again lol.

Going, off to try and find something online that's fun lol.

xxx

I HATE AOL
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE DIAL UP
I HATE THE INTERNET
I HATE MODEMS
I HATE MODEM WIRES
AND I HATE AOL TELLING ME TO CHECK THEM ANF LOGGING ME OFF EVERY FIVE SECONDS

*breathes*

Day didn't start well. I cried over a music video. Luckily I was the only one up.
Then we had to go and have lunch with Hugh which didn't help and mum & John have annoyed me again. Hugh has been invited to some running club and he's in's barbeque and basically what we're going to spend out evening doing is not knowing anyone. Then mum will find someone to talk to and I then have to stand there and pretend I'm interesting in what they're talking about, or (worse) they have daughter their who's my age and thinks me and her should go somewhere to talk and then I don't know what to say so I have to spend all my time feeling awkward until they find an excuse to leave. And I don't even know why we're going, we're nothing to do with Hugh now. Tho apprently we still are.*re-thinks contract killer idea* . So mum was saying that she didn't want to go and then John flew into a mood because he wants to go and then he was going on about how we should be going and when I said that it was going to be crap I got yelled at.
Whenever John doesn't want to go to something and makes loads of comments he doesn't seem to get yelled at.
AND THEN when they thought I was listening to my walkman John was bitching about me being difficult and he then said how when he doesn't want to go to something he goes anyway and then ends up enjoying it. FUCKING LIER. He makes a MASSIVE fuss over every single little thing and then stays in a mood for about a week afterwards until someone does something that he wants. Whenever something like this happens they both seem to do everything that they can to make me look bad and it isn't fair. This isn't do do with him being special needs. It is called: Being A Twat.
So now I'm being pissed off with both of them mum is wondering what is wrong and asking me what she's said wrong.
I'm staying up here till I calm down.
I'm actually being nice by doing this even tho I want to go and scream at them.
They won't realise that tho, they'll just say to eachother that I'm being a bitch.
She also said if tonight sounds so bad then don't come. So they don't care if I'm there or not .
I know how ridiculous I'm being. Seriously, I do know how pathetic all of this sounds. Still can't stop it tho.
>.< Someone get me out of here before I hurt someone.
That someone probably being me. I already have. I kicked a wall. With soft shoes on. I thought I'd broken my foot but it doesn't hurt anymore.
I feel better now tho. Not better enough so that I would advise myself to go downstairs. John is watching tv I hate. It's too tempting.
Tho of course, how my brain is right now if I caused a bit problem to stop myself feeling bad I'd decide that they both deserve me to treat them like shit.
My mum probably doesn't even tho she's upset me. But actually, John does cause he won't stop being horrible even tho I stopped being mean to him.
Maybe I should start being mean to him again cause he stopped while I was doing that.
AND O.M.G WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT
ARGGGGGHHHHHRHRHRHHHHDF[GOEHN
When I got pissed off John goes "Oh I feel bad for wanting to go down"
Like fuck he does.
Y'know, Rose is the only one that believes me on this. I wish she was here now. But she's on holiday.
Oh yeah, and I think my internet is breaking. The phone keeps ringing while I'm online. Seeing as I have dial up this isn't exactly normal.
And then I get knocked offline. I'm writing this offline because it happened twice in less than 2 minutes. I don't wanna loose this tho. I'm posting how I feel and I would be bothered about how that made me look but one person has looked at it in the last 2 weeks so I'm not that bothered anymore. Lol.
And they saw one of my happy posts.
Before John ruined it.
And it was John that ruined.

I can't believe a music video made me cry.

Madeliene McCann
100 Days
xXx

God what an up and down day. I know I'm writing again but I'm kinda... I've come to a decision (I know, scary).
I'm quitting telling people things. Or... to be more specific, I'm quitting telling my mum things. I just.. in the last week or so.. I've been mean to John, I know I have and today.. and yesterday I think, I've made an effort to be nice, but now he's being horrible to me. Everything I do he's like "Eurgh". And I'm not saying it's more than it is, everything I do: Eurgh. And the thing is, when I've got annoyed and said that he's not being fair he yells at me for a while but then when I honestly look upset he goes "Sorry everything's all my fault i'm pathetic"... etc and Mum'll instantly say "i'ts ok"
I'T'S NOT OH-FUCKING-KAY. Whenever I say anything it's like.. leave John alone. HE KNOWS this annoys me, but whever I'm watching anything that I watch at the same time every single fucking day he'll still say "eurgh you're watching that". Well YES I only do y'know EVERY SINGLE DAY. And then when I ask something and can't be bothered to get up (as he does every single time he wants something) and decide to yell it's all "stop shouting" and then when I get annoyed about that he starts hitting and biting himself. ARGGGHGHHHHHHH.
So after about an hour of it it was really getting to me and making me nervous and I started pinching the back of my hand or the side of my neck or something. This isn't an s/h thing, it's just something I do when someone has wound me up beyond the point on being angry. It's basically ok I'm going to cry in a minute. Like.. after the last post I was really happy but it all started up again after 10 minutes of finishing. And at that point was when all the pinching myself stuff started. It's just ALWAYS as long as John's ok.
And so after all this I went to see my mum. I told her what was happening she didn't... she didn't appear to even care. She's like this whenever I say something about John but I'm usually pissed off when I say, and I guess.. I guess I thought that she'd go and say something to him cause I was as worked up as I was but she just.. didn't do anything. It isn't fair.
To put it to extreme:
"Yes Lydia throw yourself out the window John's ok with that."
Drama queen bitch
I DON'T FUCKING CARE.
So yeah, I quit talking about stuff. She always chooses them over me, she watches Big Brother with me but now that gets ditched cause she'd rather do stuff with John and Hugh. It's always Them And Me, never Us.
And I've sorted myself out. I cried for a while out of.. frustration. It's not just this Beanie going on at me about my diet has reminded me of me being the fat ugly fat person. Hairspray made me stop thinking about that... lol. I keep losing my point.
So yeah, I cried lots angry kinda argh somsone kill me now please that would be fine I don't care if it's painful (not dramatic at all eh? ) type thing for actually not very long (thru Stay Together For The Kids I think) and then decided to sort myself out. Because to be honest, I hate crying in front of people more than anything, I've nearly been sick at school before because I didn't want to cry in front of anyone. Actually, when I need to at school I physically can't.
So hahahaha all the people who upset me but appearing not to give a shit when I talk to you.
"are you ok?"
"yep".
Answer always. I can sort myself out. And I know that now. I knew that from the first time I knew I couldn't tell anyone what it was in Detling last year. Giving myself a talking to at 5am in a tent. But it was kewl. I wasn't sick again from the ohmygodi'velostmybrainsomsonekillme-ness.
I don't think I seriously want to die tho, like when I get really badly upset. I sort it out quickly. I mean I'm still sad but not in the way I was before. I don't think I can mean anything I think when I'm badly upset. I just.. is there any way of controlling how worked up you get?
Because.. with the getting sick.. I don't want it to get bad again, I mean, I haven't tonight but I'm getting soo worked up about every single stupid little things that happen to me, and I'm never happy for longer than a couple of hours.
Argh I hate being me.
I actually do.
Lots of people don't really mean it when they say that.
But I loathe myself.

I feel better.
And I'm not pretending to be someone else.
I stayed as me
And sorted myself out
is it wierd that I'm proud of myself?

OMFG
MY CEILING
IS COVERED IN BUGS
THERE IS NO CEILING
JUST BIGS
OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

Title nothing to do with anything.
It's a bit of the Blink 182 song Feeling This.
It's so kewl.
FATE FELL SHORT THIS TIME
YOUR SMILE FADES IN THE SUMMER
PLACE YOUR HAND IN MINE
I'LL LEAVE WHEN I WANNA.

Haha. I knew it was coming.
* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
lol very true, so its been 5 days now have u been keeping up with the weight loss?
L y d i a says:
erm.. kind of not.
L y d i a says:
i went jogging on monday
L y d i a says:
i think
L y d i a says:
but since then nothing lol
+* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
good
+* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
oooooo
L y d i a says:
i know
+* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
lydia i am very disapointed in u
L y d i a says:
i know lol
+* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
i'm keeping up with it
+* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
while in the camp site, i went jogging twice a day. and we were on our feet most of the day aswell. i'm gettin my nose pierced soon

Whateverrrrrr.
Grr @ the getting nose peirced. I was going to do that.
Can't now.
She's already copied every single other idea I've had in the last couple of months.

Fuck the diet.
HAIRSPRAY IS THE MOST AMAZING FILM IN THE UNIVERSE.
Seriously, the whole way thru it last night I was sat there like
ZAC EFRON IS HOT!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't know when that happened. And when I first saw the picture of him in Hairspray I was thinkin But noooo HOT FIT ETC.
I may even tell rose in shock that I like him better than Peter Pan.
Cause I really do.
There's this bit where he winks and this girl.(not all the winks cause most of them are stupid)
But this particular one... WHOOOOOOAAAAAA <3333333333333333
God I'm lame. I'm all giggly from thinking about that.
There is a serious lack of men in my life.sed off a minute ago.
Hahahaha, blogging helps.
Zac Efron <3
He had a weird name in the film.
It was something like prik but obviously not lol.

Ok. Beanie is annoying me now. IT'S IT SO BAD THAT I LIKE KATE NASH?
Her song is so kewl tho. Well, the one I know is kewl anyway.
+* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
by the way, i still can't believe u like uggggghhhh Kate Nash
+* Music for the jilted generation *+ says:
*sigh* lydia where has your GOOD music taste gone?
SHUTUP SHUTUP SHUTUP.
That Kate Nash song is SO KEWL.

Wellllll this was long and pointless.
And no one will read it.
Does it make sense?
*drops pin*
I need to go round some of my friends blogs cause I haven't for a while.
I don't think.
have I?
Sorry if I haven't.
In the evening when I'm going to I'm usually all But I'm ok today.
I'll have a look after Neighbors

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

We went back to the Dyscovery Centre today. It was good, mum and Dr.Kerby had a long meeting first and then we all went in. Dr.K thinks that this course at South Devon College is perfect and I think that’s given mum the reassurance about it she needs, which is defiantly a good thing. I kinda wish she’d just listened to me when I said she’s made the right decision tho.
Partly because it’s going to be helpful and partly because John has a lot of free time they’ve also given him an independent learning course to be doing, when he’s done it he’s got something about level with an NVQ and can do the next level up in it afterwards if he wants to.
I have to help to do some survey thing. Just about being his sister and how it affects me. I can’t tell the truth tho, because face it, I’m talking to my mum, if I said anything that I wasn’t happy about she’s get all upset and angry and tell me that she was doing her best and I should take that into consideration and then ask me if I’m happy every 6 seconds for the next 2 years.
Not worth it.
So here’s what I’d really say: I feel second best.
It just always seems to be as long as John’s ok. I mean, I know it has to be like that but sometimes I think I’d like to be first sometime… just once. Like.. me and my mum never get any time just us, then when we do John wants something he can’t get himself she has to go and sort him out rather than making him wait. He’s always interrupting me when I’m talking about something and most’ve the time she lets him they talk about what they want to talk about and then when it comes back to me I’m too pissed off to be bothered with saying anything anyway. And then she keeps telling me that she’s taking me shopping, but I always get rushed so John doesn’t get bored and then start panicking and never buy anything and then get yelled at for not having any clothes. But as long as John’s ok.
I know I sound horrible. I’m absolutely everything that I hate at the moment but I can’t change it. I like who I am when I’m with my friends because then I’m this… I’m happier when I’m with them I’m like this kewl (haha, yeah right) person who has friends.. I feel part of something. But when I’m at home.. but majority of the time when I’m at home I’m sad. Ok, sometimes want my friends to want to know about everything that’s going on with me rather than ignore me when I’m sad but Rose even asked about everything with Hugh and what was going on on Sunday and it was just… nice. But now I’m here and everything is all in a knot in my stomach. I don’t even feel upset about Hugh and mum or the stuff with my dad at the moment. It’s just me. I’m everything I hate. I’m reading thru one of mum’s diary books at the moment and there’s this thing in it about positive thinking where this boy had to list something like 10 things he liked about himself. I couldn’t do that.
As I said – everything I am I hate. And I can’t seem to change, I can’t seem to make myself loose weight and completely blew my diet again today and I know I won’t go jogging tomorrow cause I’m too tired, I don’t sleep properly anymore. Half the time I feel… I think it’s anxious and there isn’t any way of calming me down. I’m panicking something bad’s going to happen even when nothing is. I hate thinking like something is going to go wrong… I was getting better but now I’m worried John’s going to have a seizure all the time.. whenever we go out so I’m not enjoying myself cause I’m freaking out about him. And I feel bad about John cause I keep being horrible to him. I can’t help it tho, I just really resent him at the moment. I just feel like.. all this Hugh/dad/various shit is being dumped on me and he doesn’t even know… he doesn’t really care about mum and Hugh and what’s going on yet I’m worrying about it all the time. And then how he just has to have everything his way or there’s this massive thing… I should be used to it it’s always been like it but at the moment it’s pissing me off so much. And then there’s the fact that sometimes when we’re talking about things with people being selfish or mum’s yelling at me for something I haven’t done he’ll come in with something like “I learnt a long time ago you can’t always have what I want” and then her just letting him go on and on at me but if I do it to him I get told to stop it because it’s not good for self esteem and we’re lucky it’s a good as it is.
Then I think what about my self esteem. Then I think what self esteem?

I actually only got it when I was writing it. I knew something about it was annoying me… but that’s what it is.. I resent him. He doesn’t have to worry about anything yet I’m worrying about everything. Whenever he’s stressed everything has to be perfect for him but whenever I want that I’m being stupid and I just think I’m better than everyone but I’m not I’m crap etc.
I don’t want this. I wanna get away. Get the hell out of here away from everyone because everything is eating my insides. In my mind I’m deciding people don’t like me anymore just because they do one thing and then being paranoid everyone that I know hates me and then they invite me out and I have an amazing day and then feel guilty for thinking badly about them…
I just… FUCK. I’m frying my brain. I’m tired. I feel sick. I’m hungry. And I think my internal organs are eating themselves. I need to cry but I can’t. I need to stop being horrible to John but I can’t.
Ok. I can. I might try and avoid him tomorrow. How do I do that?
Fuck fuck FUCK

7.05am- Woke up. Hmmm.. it's kinda light hopefully my phone broke.

Still 7.05- Shit it isn't broken. that means I have to go jogging.

Great start to the day obviously. Lol, I've actually done some exercise, I went for my jog (it only takes 15 minutes but most of that is uphill and everytime I stopped walking to jog I nearly fell over =|)
Anyway, yeah, and I've just had half an hour on the dance mat.
JOHN IS BEING SO ANNOYING.

Yesterday was fun tho, I went down to the wier with Rose, Doidge and Beanie. And we thought we saw Dumbledore.
It turned out to be a hippy in a wig. lol.
Cept Beanie's gone all weird. She's trying to be really like.. emo I guess. Like we were talking about wanting a tan then she goes on about wanting to be really pale.. she was trying to be all miserable when she's actually fine most of the time until like.. the last few days on MSN.. and she cut her knee and rather than trying to clean it up she just let it bleed loads... and then when me and Rose were talking about that Kate Nash song (the lyrics are so kewl [so yeah... when me and Rose were talking about it she started having a massive go at us about crap music.
Actually lots of her music is rubbish.
I can't think of any that is.. but yeah.
I'm trying to send radio 1 brainwaves to play that song.
I'm gunna be the lyrics on here.
Not really anytihng to do with anything.
But they're kewl

Kate Nash

Foundations

Thursday night, every thing's fine, except you've got that look in your eye
when I'm tellin' a story and you find it boring,
you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with it then drop it and humiliate me in front of our friends.

Then I'll use that voice that you find annoyin' and say something like
"yeah, intelligent input, darlin', why don't you just have another beer then?"

Then you'll call me a bitch
and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I wont give a shit.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons
'cause i am so bitter.
I said
"I'd rather be with your friends mate 'cause they are much fitter."

Yes, it was childish and you got aggressive,
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

My finger tips are holding on to the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

Your face is pasty 'cause you've gone and got so wasted, what a surprise.
Don't want to look at your face 'cause it's makin' me sick.
You've gone and got sick on my trainers,
I only got these yesterday.
Oh, my gosh, I cannot be bothered with this.

Well, I'll leave you there 'till the mornin',
and I purposely wont turn the heating on
and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one.

My finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

And every time we fight I know it's not right,
every time that you're upset and I smile.
I know I should forget, but I can't.

So kewllllllll
Radio 1 still haven't played it
Tho they bought up Kate Nash...
I hope they do soon

No prizes for guessing what I'm upset about

Hugh is still making a big thing about the fact that mum doesn't want him staying the night here anymore. Saying things like there's no future.. but what kind of future was there anyway? Whenever someone mentions marriage in front of him (he even said this in front of my mum's dad) "Pfft no thanks".
And.. what happened with mum was his fault. She's told me that it was, it wasn't because of me and I'm never going to forgive him for saying it was. I didn't know what was going to happen on that night... it'd be gradually getting worse and I was 10 for fucks sake. Oh yes your mum is being taken in to hospital because she can't breathe properly anymore. Not that you'd get upset or anything . Ok, I guess if it happened now then I'd have more control. But ARGH.. being told it was my fault was so not what I needed to hear. And she was on a heart machine and everything..
Anyway, that wasn't my point. Just last night after he left I got told a load more horrible things that he had said.. and then when I got angry I'm being unfair. I wish they'd just sort it out because I really can't handle much more of this.. whatever they had went a long time ago.
I know I'm being selfish but what they're doing isn't fair. I don't care if it's hard for them, being told all these things and then being expected not to be angry isn't fair. Being expected not to say anything.. just to be nice. How the fuck am I supposed to be nice? He treats her horribly. Everything she does isn't good enough and he just..
Y'know, if they'd worked out and got married and stuff I might've had a big sister. That only occured to me last night when suprise surpise it made me cry again.
I preger crying tho.
A lot of the time I just get suck in between being really angry and needing to cry and then everything just hurts.
If they're going to finish it I wish they'd just do it.
I don't even see why they don't. Hugh.. I have no idea why he's sticking around as he thinks that coming around here is pointless anyway.. and mum feels sorry for him.
To be honest I have to say I don't think my mum's been fair.
This has been on my mind for a while now but it just sounds harsh if I say it. She hasn't been fair tho... When her parents were breaking up she told me that her mum told her that she was going to leave her dad when her and Julian left home, and that she always felt really awful for him knowing that everything was going to end for him... but the thing is.. a couple of months ago now she told me that she didn't feel anything for hugh anymore.. and that when we were gone she couldn't see anything happening just being her and him... so then.. isn't what she's done pretty much the same? She hasn't wanted to be with him anymore for over a year.. and even tho I hate him more than anything else in the universe I can't help thinking that I feel kinda sorry for him. The person he supposedly loves was only with him because she felt sorry for him... and didn't want him to end up alone.
He should be alone. He doesn't deserve anyone around the love him ever. He could of had a family, and could have been our dad he was around from such a young age.. but no, he didn't want any of it. He rejected that. Which makes me feel so great
But then I also thought last night.. my dad and Hugh are the same in this way.. I know for a fact that if I was into sports and my lifes ambition was to move to Australia that Hugh would like me.. if all I wanted was to go sailing and didn't watch Hollyoaks and was confident and didn't get upset and wasn't shy and didn't get self cooncious and didn't.. didn't do everything that I do that he would like me. He would. I know it... and in that way I think that my dad is the same, I think that if I was really into golf then he would be around all the time being a proper dad..
No one wants me to be how I am. Even mum doesn't.. not really, she still gets mad at me for being sad sometimes even tho I can't help it. I can't help how I am.. god knows how many times I've decided that I'm not going to be like me anymore.. But I can't help it. I am how I am and am apprently really bad at changing that.

So yeah.
Reject.
And that isn't an over statement.

Blink 182.

Stay Together For The Kids.

It's hard to wake up
When the shades have been pulled shut
This house is haunted
It's so pathetic
It makes no sense at all.
I'm ripe with things to say
The words rot and fall away.
If a stupid poem could fix this home
I'd read it every day.

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost.
It's not right

Their anger hurts my ears
Been running strong for seven years
Rather than fix the problems, they never solve them
It makes no sense at all
I see them every day
We get along so why can't they?
If this is what he wants and this is what
she wants
Then why is there so much pain?

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right

So here's your holiday
Hope you enjoy it this time
You gave it all away
It was mine
So when you're dead and gone
Will you remember this night, twenty years now lost
It's not right
It's not right
It's not right
It's not right..

I don't care if this post was really irritating.
And stupid.
Cause it was.. I know
I bet I'll read back over it sometime and cringe at my feel sorry myself-ness.

I'm right tho...

Madeleine 'seen' in Belgium

Gerry and Kate McCann are soon to be in Spain

The parents of missing Madeleine McCann marked three months since her disappearance as a possible sighting of her emerged in Belgium.

A customer at a restaurant in the Flemish town of Tongeren, not far from the Dutch border, said she was "100% sure" she had seen the youngster.

She said the girl was with a couple, a Dutch man and an English-speaking woman, who were acting strangely and not like "normal parents". A police spokeswoman said they were treating the report "seriously" and are looking for DNA on a drinks bottle used by the girl.

They have also issued an identikit drawing of the man based on the description given by the "trusted witness". It is the latest in a string of possible sightings since Madeleine disappeared in May, although none have turned into concrete leads. As news of the Belgian sighting spread across the continent, her parents Gerry and Kate McCann were travelling to Spain to mark the three months since her abduction. From their base at Praia da Luz in Portugal, they will travel to Huelva, the capital of Andalucia, and put up posters of the four-year-old across the city.

Police in Belgium were first alerted on Saturday after the customer at the De Pauze restaurant noticed a girl fitting Madeleine's description. The woman, a child therapist, said the couple with her did not seem to be acting like a mother and father, and told a waitress, Jolien Houbrech.

Miss Houbrech said: "A woman who was a child therapist came up to me and asked if I noticed any resemblance between Madeleine and the child. She said that because of her work as a child therapist she had noticed that the people's behaviour was not that of normal parents. After she said that, I said maybe she should call it in to the police."

Miss Houbrech, a 21-year-old student, said the child had long blonde hair down to her shoulders and was aged around five or six. The couple, who were driving a Volvo estate car with a Belgian number plate, left before the customer had raised her concerns, she added.

A Belgian police spokeswoman said: "We had a witness who possibly saw Madeleine McCann. She was accompanied by two people - a man and a woman. She was 100% sure it was Madeleine and it is a trusted witness. She works with children and noticed something unusual, that is why we are taking it seriously."

The spokeswoman added that results from the DNA tests were expected next week.

HOT SAINSBURY'S GUY IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Him being there improved my day massivly. I don't know him tho I've spoken to him once when me and mum managed to break one of the self checkouts. He was nice about it.. but when 2 others broke a couple of minutes later he seemed kinda stressed. Fit stressed .
Also... ohmygod I'm wearing a skirt. I don't know how I look. Not like some people do in skirts [i'e amazing]. I just look like Oh My God It's Lydia Wearing A Skirt.
Anyway, in good news, John is getting free transportation to South Devon College (by taxi I'm guessing) which just means I have to sort out going on the bus. Mum is being all annoying and worried because I have to cross a main road to get to where the bus is, but taking the bus is more enviromentally friendly and stuff and so I'm still going to do it.

Whoa, Katie hasn't been enjoying herself since I last saw her. With this list of things I don't really know how to help.
My head hurts.... not that that's anything to do with anything. But still. Ouch.

Oh lovely. Here's an e mail I just got. This isn't good news me being a cereal Coke drinker.
A lot of which I have out of cans.

E mail -

This incident happened recently in North Texas. A woman went boating one Sunday taking with her some cans of coke which she put into the refrigerator of the boat. On Monday she was taken to the hospital and placed in ICU. She died on Wednesday.

The autopsy concluded she died of Leptospirosis. This was traced to the can of coke she drank from without using a glass. Tests showed that the can was infected by dried rat urine and hence the disease Leptospirosis.

Rat urine contains toxic and deathly substances. It is highly recommended to thoroughly wash the upper part of soda cans before drinking out of them. The cans are typically stocked in warehouses and transported straight to the shops without being cleaned.

A study at NYCU showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets (i.e.). Full of germs and bacteria. So wash them with water before putting them to the mouth to avoid any kind of fatal accident.

Isn't that just exactly what you want to hear when all you've done lately is drink Coke?
Whatever. If I was going to die I would have done by now.
And I don't want to anymore, I'm in a really good mood. So if I died now that would be annoying.
Say... last night, it wouldn't have bothered me.
But not today, I'm happy.
So coke I drank yesterday, please don't kill me.
And it was out of a bottle anyway.
Yesterday.
When did I last have coke out of a can?
A few days ago.

I still didn't go jogging.
My alarm went off and I turned it off and decided I wasn't bothering.
I had a good sleep after I didn't bother.
I'll start going on Monday tho..

xxx

Went out with dad today.. which was wierd. Maybe he's changed his parenting tactics from tv watching all day.
God it was tiring. The second we went in John was running off in one direction and dad had completly dissapeard somewhere else.. and obviously John is my priority so that meant I spent most of the time wondering where the hell dad had gone.
We're not seeing him again for another month. I've decided that this is a good thing because I don't.. I don't seem to have anything to say to him anymore. I done with being mad at him but now it's like every single bit of having a conversation stuff there was.. I can't be bothered with anymore. We just don't have anything in common and I don't know how to get excited about golf .
So hmm.. I guess I feel kinda depressed.
I had a load of other crap in my head that I can't be bothered to write somehow. Lol.

Didn't go jogging again this morning.
I forgot to set my alarm.
WILL GO TOMOROW!

Yes, I'm bored. You know when you decide that you're bored of everything? It was coming on yesterday afternoon but it's definatly here today lol. I want something interesting to happen. Didn't go jogging AGAIN today, my phone decided that it didn't have a SIM card so it thought it wuold complain about that rather than making my alarm go off. Phones are annoying, and there's no point in my having credit because I have no one I particularly want to text anyway, I only got more to be annoying seeing as mum used it all up talking to Hugh. Ugh. Got upset again about it all last night because I thought it was here but it turned out to be the christian people from up the road. I got just as annoyed about that tho, especially as there was a message for me from Elizabeth. Basically whenever I get made to go to the group thing she always pressures me to talk and then when I don't want to starts these talks about people who aren't 100% joining shouldn't be there etc. And then she said to my mum that she hoped she hadn't upset me and that I never actually had to say anything if I didn't want to. She still said that I shouldn't be there.. how christian is that? Then I started thinking about that and then what happened with John the last time he was doing church stuff.. I just got mad because how everything works isn't really fair. But whateverrr.. I've had a long nice shower so I'm not going to get all stressed with myself again
Shopping was alright, York is wayyyy better than here tho, I only got a couple of neony necklaces to go with my new tops and stuff.. And this really cheap vest top from Primark, it should go with my skirt.. if I ever wear it. Shopping made me get mad with myself agian tho because I haven't stuck to my ceral diet at all. My BMI is what it should be tho, which cheered me up a bit, but as Beanie said, it's about feeling good. So if loosing weight is gunna make me feel better then I'm going to do it. Plus a bit of self obsessiveness usually takes my mind off whatever else is going on.

I <3 the Arctic Monkeys.. must get their new album at some point...

Arctic Monkeys

A Certain Romance

Well oh they might wear classic Reeboks
Or knackered Converse
Or tracky bottoms tucked in socks
But all of that's what the point is not
The point's that there ain't no romance around there
And there's the truth that they can't see
They'd probably like to throw a punch at me
And if you could only see them, then you would agree
Agree that there ain't no romance around there

You know, oh it's a funny thing you know
We'll tell 'em if you like
We'll tell 'em all tonight
They'll never listen
Cause their minds are made up
And course it's all okay to carry on that way

And over there there's broken bones
There's only music, so that there's new ringtones
And it don't take no Sherlock Holmes
To see it's a little different around here

Don't get me wrong, oh there's boys in bands
And kids who like to scrap with pool cues in their hands
And just cause he's had a coupla cans
He thinks it's alright to act like a dickhead

Don't you know, oh it's a funny thing you know
We'll tell em if you like
We'll tell em all tonight
They'll never listen
Cause their minds are made up
And course it's all okay to carry on that way

I said no
Oh no!
Oh you won't get me to go!
Anywhere, said anywhere
I won't go
Oh no no!

Well over there there's friends of mine
What can I say, I've known 'em for a long long time
And yeah they might overstep the line
But I just cannot get angry in the same way
Not in the same way
Not in the same way
Oh no, oh no no

If you haven't heard it, Google it.
Amazingness

xxx