Angst? Me? Never.

That's mum, John & Barney outside the cottage we stayed in.

This random cat that i though was cute lol

Haha funny face I'm guessing he was eating something at this point [it wouldn't suprised me] in fact it would be more unusual to say "john wasn't eating".

IT'S BARNEYRULZ

I feel tons better today.. I guess that's cause nothing's really had the chance to happen yet seeing as I only got up at 11 lol. But yeah, I had a better sleep and everything sort of.. Looks a bit better today. It's just me and John and the animals in cause mum is at Hugh's But she still works for him so it hopefully won't be him upsetting her because they'll both be meant to be working.
Argh, I can't be bothered to put my makeup on or anything. I've had a shower and now I can't be bothered to do anything so I thought I'd come on here lolol.
Dad rang.. actually had a kewl conversation with him although he did start talking to some other random person about selotape half way thru

Beckie keeps mentioning meeting up, I hope she doesn't talk so much about meeting up.. she has once but I pretended I had to go. Oh crap.
Beckie [11:44]: so we should meet too
Plus I sort of don't want to, I'd be a dissapointment because I won't know what to say. Oh god. And now I've said that my mum wouldn't want me to she's all "I'm the only one with a mum who couldn't care less". Argh don't ruin my mood Beckkiiiieeeeee!!

I'll try the holiday stuff later

xxx

It seriously is. Despite everything last night (lovely climax of being very sick) I still woke up before 8. I don't get it, it's like I'm suddnely incapable of properly sleeping. Just not having slept properly for the last week or so makes everything seem worse and then I made mum feel worse by crying when I was sick. I know why I did.. When Hugh came round last night it was really awkward and I got upset when he'd gone again and then argh. I just.. even after to everything, when he came round I was nice to him and he was completly off with me, treated me like me being there was just.. I don't know. But I guess I thought after everything he apprently said when he showed up and ruined everything last week that next time he saw me he'd actually make an effort. So much for that. Then me being the idiot that I am went and mentioned it to mum . She was annoyed with me and nice about him, she said that he just doesn't know where he is with everything at the moment. That's not an excuse, don't they both think that me and John would like to know what's going on at some point??! As much as they want we're not all to everything that's going on.
So yeah, I got upset and then a bad headache. You know those really really awful headaches when you have to holfd you head because if you don't it feel slike their gunna explode? The like ohmygod kill me ones that feel like you brain moves when you lie down? Yeah, I had one of those. I managed thru the evening but finally gave up and had paracetamol before I went to bed.. didn't keep them down long. Ended up being sick loads of half an hour after I went to bed. It wasn't because I got upset tho. That barely happens anymore and I'm not getting as bad as I was before again. It sounds lame but I think it was basically being tired.. It made mum be all nice to me tho. But yeah.. then I cried because I knew in my head that this was completly the last thing that she needed and I've been horrible about all this Hugh stuff. I've tried harder today but she sees right thru it. That's that problem, my mum is the one person I can't seem to fake ok to.. She's also the person I most need to fake it to.. But I can't and it's making me feel bad because I'm making her feel bad. I want to be all happy and make her feel alright but I can't seem to get myself out of the hole I've been in for the last week.

Oh yeah.. and I sorted the camera out. Got all the things to load all the pictures onto the computer so if I can work out how I'll be able to put a few of my holiday pictures onto this.. If anyone wants to see them lol. The Barney from Barneyrulz is in one of the photos.. and no I don't mean the dinosaur

So yeah... me:
(I have no idea how this is going to turn out to if it's massive or really blurry sorry)

I'll upload more tommorow.. But I'm gunna go and watch BB soon.. I know it's lame but it's like.. I dunno, I guess it's just what me and my mum watch to make us laugh about everything.
(and compare Chanelle and Ziggy to her and Hugh)

xxx

We’re back. It was… interesting I guess. I don’t really know whether I enjoyed it, right now when I think about it I’d say no. And yes, I was one of the “lucky” people stuck on the M5 last Saturday.
Mum told Hugh that he couldn’t come and then when he rang again she stuck to what she’d said and he didn’t go up there with us. It felt weird really, kinda like we were running away from everything, it sounds lame but it made it more exciting to be there by ourselves and to be able to think of all the things we were going to be able to do because Hugh wasn’t there.
Didn’t really talk about it the first morning that we were there, I was kind of scared to mention it, cause mum still felt… feisty, I guess and I didn’t want to ruin that by bringing him up, but in the end I kind of had to because I wanted to know what was actually going on. So… yeah, we ended up talking about it for a long time and then she told me that she didn’t think that we were ever going to see him again and then promised me that he was gone. I don’t know why I believed that. It’s just… him not being there showed what a bad effect he had when he was there, this year when we were there there were so many things that we didn’t have to worry about this time, we didn’t have to worry about going shopping (Hugh makes a massive fuss out of the fact that you do have to buy food to be able to eat) and then when we were just around the house you could do what you wanted without having to watch your back and check that there wasn’t a critical comment coming. It just felt so free not to have him there, it actually felt like a real holiday.
Then he showed up.
He finally got in contact on Tuesday night saying he was glad we got there ok etc and then when mum turned her phone on in the morning she said there were loads of texts and a tearful phone message. One word: Bullshit.
But whatever, she told me that he wasn’t coming to the house then he was at the house and then he was going but he was there for ages and then that he was completely different now. I got really upset… cried a lot and stuff, I just want him to be gone, you can’t… you can’t understand just how much I hate this person.
I didn’t go downstairs the whole time that he was there because I wanted to make sure that I didn’t see him.
Mum told him to go home and he did.
But then the next day in the morning she came down all upset cause he’d been all mean again on the phone and it was all because I didn’t go downstairs. I don’t see what it even has to do with me, I hate him, he hates me.
So he’d gone back to normal already and it’s just… nothing that he says he means. His solution to all the problems was for all of us to move in together. For gods sake, there’s something seriously wrong with him, he hates us being around, it’d be a complete nightmare. Mum said no and that’s another reason he’s gone back to normal again.
Oh yeah, and he started all the it’s not a break cause we’re there thing. That made me cry cause it really hurts when he says that. Doesn’t he even think about how him saying that makes me feel? Someone saying something isn’t good because you’re there. Mum still felt guilty about telling him to go home again.
I don’t care about him. He deserves to be alone. He shouldn’t have anyone, everyone that he does have he takes completely for granted and criticises everyone. ARGH I HATE HIM.
And this doesn’t… I’m just saying it how it happened… I don’t know why but I don’t feel so upset by it anymore.
I’ve been doing posts on here in my head all week to stop myself from being sick.
It’s worked really well actually… like having someone to talk to cept it’s in my own head and stuff, I still wanted someone I could phone.
Mike’s online… I don’t know what to say, I hope that all goes back to normal soon.

Hugh’s coming round tonight as mum’s “friend”.
I don’t wanna see him but I have to.
I’ll talk as little as possible.
Hopefully he won’t come.
I moaned at Mike already.
Went to the 24 hour ASDA at 2:30am last night…
It was closed.

Foof.

I don't know what's going on. I actually don't although it looks as tho Hugh definatly ISN'T coming on holiday with us. He finally rang, yesterday morning she told him she wasn't sure if he should come and he didn't bother trying to talk until now. Selfish twat.
But yeah, after a while I went and listened at the door to try and work out what was going on but then she opened it and she isn't talking to Hugh anymore she's talking to her mum. She's crying. I'm doing this in Paint to copy in, I was finishing to hoovering for her but I sort of want to write something cause I'm kinda all weird and stressy, and the stairs need doing anyway and I'm guessing their having a kinda important chat so the hoover being all VVVVVVVMMMMPPPPPPHHHHH on the stairs probably wouldn't be that helpful.
I'm scared about what's going to happen when she comes off the phone, I expect she'll still be crying. But I don't know how to help, I've only ever had one boyfriend who I tried to talk to but he was all weird and then when I realised I didn't fancy him he came on pretty strong so I freaked out and avoided him (so far I've never seen him so I think I did pretty well really). So yeah, I'm a complete loser who knows nothing about relationships except that couples always seem to look really miserable. So how do I help? I could go down the "he's a bastard" road but then my mum would get even more upset cause I'm swearing and she wants me to be a church goer type person. Even tho I seriously don't fit in there.
Have they broken up? I wanna know but I can't exactly go in there and be all "So, have you chucked him?" That'd just be waayyyyy to insensetive. And then there's the fact that whoever I talk to online I will want to splurge it all out to. And then there's the fact that I'm meant to be going to bed early cause of the 4am start. Oh god. I don't even know why I'm asking for advice because by the time anyone reads this I'll be dealing with it. And plus whenever I talk about it all I think about everything to do with it and then just end up making everything worse. And then there's the last time they "broke up" we went off to Port Isaac for the day and I actually did think that he was gone, and I was wondering how it was going to be and stuff, but then when we got home he was hungry so came over and my mum just let him. I don't even know if they talked about it. If he does come back I'm not speaking to him. I'm gunna be a difficult little bitch. I think I'll go and throw a rock thru his window. It's not like he wouldn't deserve it as he's been a prik for 10 years. But then I'm not completly sure which house is his and I wouldn't wanna get Alison's because she's always been really nice. I'll probably never see her again now :/ Hmm.. that kinda sucks. Not that I guess I see her that much anyway, but she's always been really nice to me. She's the only peroson out've there weird family that I actually like. And I remember that she made John a really kewl racing car cake once. Maybe I should write her a letter or something and say that me and mum still like her and that we hope she doesn't hate us too much and it's not our fault that her brother is an idiot. I wanted to say worse but I'm trying to swear less. Cause.. Charly from Big Brother. I don't wanna be like that, and I don't wanna be one of those people who has a little kid that swears at people and stuff, and if I said something like that in front of my Gran I actually think she would kill me.
I don't know why people like me want boyfriends. Tho me and Rose saw a very hot guy in Woodlands today. But seriously, if they end up like this.. what's the point? All men seem to do is just.. let you down. Ok, I'm going from my dad and Hugh, but still :/ Ok, and from a couple of the guys that I know, they're ok with you somtimes, but then other times they'll have a massive go just because you said hi and you're left thinking "?!".
Also I'm now worried Rose is going to ditch me. I can't help it, a had a really close friend and then one day she decided that she hated me and that was that. And the whole Robyn thing. So yeah, I get paranoid a lot and really worked up about stuff, just people don't know because I'd sound like a complete bunny boiler obssesive. I'm not, I just get scared people are gunna leave me sometimes.. a lot. And Rose was kinda off with me today, and they all went off without me in Woodlands today and when I said I was stuck on my own for a while she like.. didn't care. I guess I just wanted her to be like.. "Awww no sorry". And then when I said something about me asking Will if he'd seen them she said they had seen him and he'd said but they couldn't be bothered to come and look for me. Huh. I'm such an idiot for getting really upset about that. It's so dumb that it actually makes me wanna cry. I can't help it, I don't think I can go thru the whole Lara thing again. And then there's the voice in the back of my head telling me it's because they're all pretty and wear clothes with make them look pretty and I'm fat and ugly and that's why they aren't really bothered whether or not I'm there. But yeah, that's the really stupid idiot part of my brain that I can't talk about, and I can't tell the people either because if someone said that to me I'd find it annoying. I guess I find it annoying cause I hold it in and they don't even tho I just wanna yell ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE YOU MORON!!!
Yeah, a c k n o w l e d g e
I suck. It is an undeniable fact. It kinda must be tho. And then Sammie annoyed me earlier aswell, she was going on about Soph being mean to her when she could have just blocked her when she went into the chatroom. So I just said that Soph was being immature but she didn’t have to join in. Then she got in a massive mood with me. It’s what she would have said to me.

Mum’s off the phone..
Xxx

…Or not…. She doesn’t wanna talk to me. She was on the phone with her mum for 2 hours.
But apparently nothing happened.
Argh, whatever.
I really feel like crying now. I know that I was worried but I thought she’d at least wanna talk. But she’s more interested in the holiday preparing. Even tho I bet she isn’t going to enjoy it.
I don’t wanna be me anymore, I get so… worked up about everything, and everyone’s gunna think I’m horrible from the stuff I put about getting like.. thinking people are gunna leave and stuff, I can’t help it, and I have to tell someone cause it’s eating me up a lot :/

Well this is... different.
Anyway, feeling better than I did last night, but I knew it was going to be like that, it's different when I'm at school.
Last night was... bad tho. I tried to talk a bit with people in chatrooms but they blanked me then I got pissed off with everything and felt kinda... unwanted y'know?
Oh yeah, my dad upset me again, forgot I didn't write that, I'm not seeing him for a month and when we went yesterday he watched golf all day. He's not seeing us for a month and doesn't seem to care. So.. yeah, was really upset about that and then started thinking about all the other things with him and then got really upset and then even more upset by no one who I was talking to in the chat caring then... I ended up thumping my table several times. It hurt.. a lot, but with.. :/ that was partly the idea. So.. yeah, it swelled up loads and still hurts a hell of a lot today, but I'm feeling better now I think.

Yeah, that was the last day of proper year 9, activities for the rest of the week Also found out something ewwww about someone. Lol.
Also got The Fray's album

ttfn

xxx

Paramore

For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic

Just talk yourself up
And tear yourself down
You've hit your one wall
Now find a way around
Well what's the problem?
You've got a lot of nerve

I never wanted to say this
You never wanted to stay
I put my faith in you, so much faith
And then you just threw it away

x

So… weird day. We went to my nan and grandad’s… my nan was really upset cause her family are being mean to her, I don’t really know exactly what’s been happening but she like… suddenly started crying and stuff… my mum like.. sorted her out. I’m just no good in like.. the whole people getting really emotional and stuff, I’ve tried to with some people like.. just be there for them but it all got rejected lol.. so I’ve been like.. to scared and awkward to do it since then.
I probably just would’ve made it all worse anyway.
She gave me a really expensive camera, her son gave it too her but she hates him now so she doesn’t want it, that makes me feel worse cause I didn’t do anything, just read my book. :/ I’m such a crap person.
Then I guess.. we were talking with gareth and jemimah… they’re really nice and kobi is lovely.
Haha, suddenly feel all depressed for no reason.
I think it’s being online and thinking about the stuff with my nan and then other things. Got really upset about all the dad/hugh stuff. Because.. well.. dad isn’t a dad dad and looking at gareth being with kobi just like.. I dunno, I guess I kinda wish I had a dad like that. Then me and mum ended up talking about hugh and ARGH. I’ve decided if he upsets john tonight I think I’ll say what I’m thinking. Cause the fact is, he doesn’t wanna be any kind of dad to us, but he still thinks that it’s ok to critisise everything that we do, and ok, I get him giving advice… but he isn’t involved and he does it in… ARGH I HATE HIM. I really… the whole me hating him thing is taking over everything when we’re at home, cause even when he’s not here he’s phoning, just the contact pisses me off.

and i can't even cry about cause i'm so angry about it.
it's so stupid, i just want... a real dad or big brother or something, i dunno why, cause i need to make sure my mum's ok.. and i have to stop talking to her about this stuff, because it's upsetting her, and then there just.. isn't anyone that will get it. i don't think anyone does. i just want someone to ask me to tell them about it without me just telling them even tho i can tell they don't wanna know. and give me a hug and stuff.
but then that's selfish.
i don't know..

I love this song.. <333

Paramore

When It Rains

And when it rains,
On this side of town it touches, everything.
Just say it again and mean it.
We don't miss a thing.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole (blackest hole)
And convinced yourself that
It's not the reason you don't see the sun anymore

You can take your time, take my time.

x

CHARLY IS UNBLIEVEABLE!!!
yes, i'm that sad, i'm writing about Big Brother.
Last French lesson today, managed to get to it this time

Guys I know are also really up themselves, well.. a certain guy anyway. He didn't exactly say anything bad but it irritated me and I haven't stopped thinking about it. lol. And he's also right which makes it worse..

So.. yeah, I guess that was kinda my last proper school, cause from Tuesday it *should* be activities week and I kind of doubt we'll be doing anything on Monday. Either that of we can skip and make sure they don't tell anyone by writing about how "great" school is. She actually made us write about things we haven't done so the school would look good
Also found out Bill got beaten up with a digerydoo by his french person.
I'm glad I didn't do the exchange.

Anywayyyyy feel like crap

Night Night all

xxx

Today has been pretty kewl. My board shorts came, so as long as it stays late activities week should be good. It’s gunna be crap if it does come, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about that… Well, I have to go to the doctor because of the amount of times it’s late and stuff. Fun.
Spanish people are mean. There seems to be some Spanish exchange thing going on at school atm, and tbh, it’s REALLY annoying because it means we have a million room changes half of which they don’t actually tell us about and then when we’re late they look confused. So even tho it’s all really annoying, when a group of Spanish guys went past us we decided to wave to be friendly, and >:O he stuck his finger up at us!!! So we went and followed them even tho they didn’t see us and then Rose told mr.jones. lol.
All the room changes meant half mitching French. As in till about 10 minutes before the end when a teacher (Jesus lady) came in and said if we did some writing about how good the school was she wouldn’t tell anyone… “what have you been learning about?” Japan. “what about Japan?” anime and stuff “and you’ve learnt something about life in Japan?” No. “yes, you have” no I haven’t “YOU HAVE” er… Ok.
James was there tho, which was a bit annoying because he was making me laugh. Partly at him. I am a nerd so I haven’t ever actually skipped much before, but I was pretty calm because even if they did catch us (about 20 teachers must have walked past us… yeah right course something soooo bad is gunna happen ) he was acting like he was some sort of spy kewl person, because as much as he was having a go at Scarlett for saying “we should just go and find the lesson” whenever someone walked past he was practically throwing himself on the floor… and one time he was like “HIDE” and it turned out to be his reflection. He also nicked one of those “fire door do not open” signs god knows why.
that would be about it.
still don't know what's gunna happen on monday...
Rose says she still idn't going in, which I think is kinda mean, cause when i told her about my activities week possible prolem she was all "YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME" i was gunna point out that's how i feel about monday.. but i didn't bother lol.
I guess it sounds dumb, but in my school... if you're on your own that's when stuff might get said. especially when you're as self concious as i am oh well..
cept not.. i'm still worried

anyway, quiz i did [:

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	4.1
Mind:	3.5
Body:	5.2
Spirit:	4.1
Friends/Family:	3.8
Love:	0
Finance:	2.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

xxxx

Sorry, randomness from the song I have one.
Enjoyed myself last night, had the house to myself for about 2 hours, it was nice without all the normal crap.
Just being able to do what I want without all the comments and such. And without John hitting and biting himself all the time It's actually driving me mad now, it's ALL THE TIME. And that isn't an understatement. The one time we went to someone about it theu shrugged, so I guess we have to "Deal wiv it". God I watch too much Big Brother.
Anyway, James is a dick. I knew that anyway, he just reminded me of it yesterday. We were messing around and then when one of the chav people came up he acted as tho I was being stupid and was a freak and... said some harsh stuff... then the chav guy goes and he's normal again. It's like that with so many people now
Oh well, it's just annoying because the fact that i reallllyyyyy fancy him is making it pretty hard to hate him. I'll just avoid him.. lol.
Also, kinda good news, got a level 6 in my science SATs!! And considering it was a 4-6 paper that's really good.. and I was one of 3 people in my group that got that high... god I sound up myself. Sorry, I just don't get stuff like that - marks to actually be happy with I mean - a lot. So on that front.
And that's about it... haven't talked about any of mum's stuff... which is a good thing and a bad thing.. actually, it doesn't really make any difference, i'm still worrying about it.
Ugh, and everyone is staying off school next Monday and my mum says that I have to go in.
Lovely day on my own then

oh well... actually, not oh well. I'm gunna have to persuade Rose to go to school.
Hopefully anyway

Cause it's so long. but yeah, signed up to some "teen" website yesterday, and this was on it. It probably seems boring to everyone else but I thought it was interesting lol

something can have dramatic effects on a situation. You can use formal language, or colloquial language (slang). You can be polite or direct. You can be open or defensive. How you say something might just relate to the kind of words that you use. In a situation where talking to a teacher for example, you might want to say something like "Unfortunately, certain activities had prevented me from completing my homework." as opposed to "Nah, didn't manage to get it done, sunshine." This is a fairly obvious example, although categorising the ways of talking to specific people can be worked out and used to better suit a situation.

What you say
Strangely enough, what you say only accounts for about 5% of communication. All the other factors make up the vast majority of the messages that are given off in a social environment. Nevertheless, what you say is still important. It is the specific meaning of communication. Without this, someone may think "Happy. Trusts me. Is emotional about this situation. Feels good about it...but what do they want?" In contrast to this, only displaying a message of what you say tells nothing about any of the other factors. If the factors don't fit then people get confused ("Happy. Feels guilty. Is showing interest in what I'm saying. Is glaring at me. Has asked me about a sporting event.???"). Make sure that what you say fits nicely in with the other messages that you are giving off.

These are the basic categories of verbal editing with a little bit of information on each. Remember to connect each method with others. How you say something should reflect what you are saying, and emphasise it. Again, this is just to raise understanding of your own messages that you are giving off, and those of others.

Overall
These methods are best used when understood and observed. Improper use of these methods can give off messages that are not intended to be given. If they don't connect to each other in some way, they may confuse people. Instead of trying to use each one, see which ones would work the best for you in any given situation. Try them out. If they don't work, find out what went wrong, and try again. Low risk situations are best for these type of trials, (such as talking to shopkeepers).

These issues relate to being able to better express yourself, and to better understand what people mean, not only through verbal messages, but through visual ones too. These techniques can be used by anyone. Moreover, they probably are used by everyone from time to time. You may feel that you have to be a social god/goddess. Not the case. Anyone who can understand and apply these techniques in front of a mirror can potentially use them. You can probably think of loads more of your own! Having said that, confidence is an issue. It takes courage to step outside your comfort zone and (say) wink at a friend to symbolise trust. However, once you can do this and get a positive reaction (which you will understand) then your confidence will grow so that you can do it again, and again, and again (and so on and so forth).

The greatest thing about all this is that it can be applied to family, friends, partners, and strangers. It can work for anyone and with anyone. In any social environment or interaction, these things convey meaning.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yeah, it was actually sunny today
I guess it's been.. normal. Sam and Beanie got really stressy with everyone tho, when everyone was mucking around. But tbh, I guess they must have expected it. Beanie got really annoyed tho and kind of barely spoke to Sam all day and when he put his arm round her she yelled at him . Ok, I get it partly, because I hate all the "lovey dovey" stuff, but I don't think him putting his arm around her was so bad. So *shrugs*
And ARGH people keep adding me and MSN and Bebo and I don't know who they are, and when I ask they don't answer.
I DON'T KNOW WHO YOUARE FREDDIE WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ME.
I don't know why that's annoying me lol.

Also pissed off with myself because I have ended up liking the same guy again when I thought I was over it lol. He's called James... I liked him for a while but he kind found out and then I avoided him for ages, but recently we've kinda started talking again, he makes me laugh and stuff, and I'm really good at winding him up. Lol. So.. yeah, I wanna keep talking to him and stuff, cause I like having him around.. so.. yeah, I'm gunna ignore it.

Also Apprently there is a paedolfile in Totnes!!!!!!!!! We all got warnings tpday not to walk home by ourselves, I don't walk, well, I do, but not home. So.. scary scary. I wonder if it's the same guy they were chasing a while ago...
Ages ago on my way to school there were all these police cars and stuff, and we saw this guy leg it across the road and over a fence and there were loads of police dogs around and stuff all day. But then policemen aren't unusual, they're always around at school. I don't know why really .

OoOoOoOoh, anddddd we might be having more money soon, it turns out that because they out John's disability living allowance up we were supposed to tell the tax credit people and they put the tax credit up because it means mum has more work. So it might mean we might have a bit extra, whic'd help because atm money wise it's CRAP.

Feeling depressed for no reason. Well, I have a reason, but it's the James thing and tv that made me cry.

I have to go to a vintage car show tomorow.
Boring.
But better than going to my dads...

xxx

ME AND ROSE SET PEOPLE UP AND IT ACTUALLY WORKED. Well, kind of, we were there and being annoying anyway. Beanie and Sam are going out XD. We went to his house after school… well, we went to the wrong house, but we found his eventually. Beanie was already there, and we just started winding them up ad stuff, and covering the sofa so she had to sit with him etc. And then it turned out he had a plan and a bunch of roses. Next thing we new after hiding behind Sam’s door to try (and fail) to hear what was going on and having to run really fast downstairs so they didn’t see us… they’re going out. YAY. So that’s Deeon and Rowan… And Beanie and Sam. Tho I kind of think beanie is partly ashamed of Sam because she doesn’t wanna tell anyone. He is.. I dunno, he’s nice and she likes him so I don’t know what the problem is.
Then we went to see Felix and High School Musical XD. Sam (different one) wasn’t there thank god. But someone was that asked me out about a million years ago… I’d forgotten about them lol. So… yeah, Felix is so camp and a really funny dancer. He was wearing seriously tight trousers =|. Karly decided to push me into a few more walls today aswell, she doesn’t seem to get that it does actually hurt.
Hahahaha, talking to Beanie on msn. I know don’t have many hopes her their relationship.

*+*+ GINGE +*+* says:
yeh, but the novelty will wear off as soon as everyone knows

great =|
oh well.

Hahaha, my mum just found out David Tennant is turning on the Blackpool lights… looks like I’m going to Blackpool then.
So I guess today has been kewl… my mum is still sure I should be going to bed earlier, I don’t really know why tho, because I’m not tired.

OOOOH HOLLYOAKS (yes, I’m an extremely sad person)
They got Tom back yayayayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, off to be sad and no lifeish (even tho I actually went out today shock horror) lol

xxx

JOHN’S GOING TO SDC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They said that the course was ideal for him and they thought he would do really really well there. They all seem really nice as well. They also said that if we call the council then they might be able to sort out paying for a taxi, and then I’d be able to afford to get the bus so the car wouldn’t get used as much, which is good because then it’d be less likely the break and everything.
And that was my good news, apart from that I’ve had a really crappy day, Karly’s been a complete bitch. She just purposely left me out of everything, and every time she walks past me and rose she’ll say something like “oh yeah that thing I told you? Don’t tell Lydia”. She could so easily say it when I’m not there but she does when I’m there anyway. And then when I went “Karly you’re really pissing me off” she shoved me into a wall and it really hurt :/ I HATE HER. And for some stupid reason I felt sad today anyway and getting pushed out of everything was making me all
Rose hates her aswell tho, so I spose at least it’s not just me, it’s just getting to me, and also she’s being irritating she’ll say something like “you’re gay” every 5 minutes, and I normally don’t answer but this time I went “yeah, I know” and then she was all “ohmygod you freak”. Then I told her she was a stupid pathetic person because she has such a thing against gay people. GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!
And then I just got home and had to fucking see Lara. I’ve managed not to since I’ve been at KEVICC why I had to now I know. In some ways I’m pretty grateful for my mum being there because else I would have had nothing to talk about and it would have been even more awkward. That’s made me feel weird as now. I know it happens it’s just…. Me and her used to be really really close and the way it’s all turned out sucks. Argh, I feel really crap. I don’t want to go to school tomorrow.
Oh yeah, and I got my maths SAT result. I got level 5. Which I guess seeing as I was doing a 4-6 paper is ok. I wanted to get a 6 tho… loads of people did.
Argh, feel so crap. I want a hug off someone but I don’t know who and my mum is annoying by being really nice. I’m such a bitch. I can’t help it tho, I’m just gunna stay up here tonight else I’m going to end up yelling at someone and no one’s done anything wrong.
Hmmmm…. 4 emails. I bet they’ll all be boring shit….

Got the new Paramore album today It's good. I wanna see them live, I heard they're really really good.
Argh, have to go to the Tuesday night thing today, which is annoying I don't want to go because the whole thing just makes me feel uncomfortable, but I have to go. I don't see the point really, you would have thought my mum would have got the message by now.. *shrugs*

Karly got in another massive mood with me today, her sister is 19.. and so is her sisters boyfriend, and well.. Karly apprently said as a joke that she was going to break his fingers, and this guy apprently said "NO I'LL TELL YOUR MUM!!!" Which I thought was v funny. karly didn't. I just.. the image of a 19 year old going "mummy karly's being nasty to me" was in my head, and she still was stroppy with me even when I explained, and said that she wished she'd never told me. =|
Funny tho.

OoOoOoOoOoh and telling Kailee and Beanie about the Infamous Devil was definatly a bad idea, HE SPOKE TO KAILEE TODAY!!!!!!!! Apprently he did something and she laughed and he went "don't do that please." Scary scary. So we have to run away whenever we see him now, and me and Rose ended up stuck behind him on the bridge and we had to run past really quickly and he made it really obvious that he was talking about us. Now all his friends know. Great =|. So we now have to be scared all the time, he always stares at me and Rose whenever we're near him, and cause of a room change we were next door to him in a lesson. So... keeping an eye out.. lol

And thankyou to the person that just added me
Just got the e mail lol.

xxx

Today was pretty good. Feel a bit weird now, but I guess that's kinda normal for when I'm at home.
This boy called Chris did an assembly today, he's downsyndrome and I think he had lukeimia. He's really sweet tho, and his assembly was really sweet and funny and stuff. He's mostly really happy all the time, and most of the chavs are sweet to him, which is good. One of the chav girls (sam) is really horrible to him tho, and I don't know why. But me and Rose have talked to him a couple of times when he's bene upset because of her.
But.. yeah. It was fun. My tech teacher thinks I'm a complete freak lol. I guess it's to do with the fact that me and Jo haven't done anything in the whole.. however many months of tech we've had. I don't know why we haven't, it just kinda happened that way lol. And next week we have to present what we've done, which is so far a cow stuck on a plastic cup . Actually, I lied, me and Rpse did a power point thing, but when Rose was away today Abby decided she could do a better one..
Lunch was good tho, just sitting an talking. And majorly blushing when I couldn't avoid having to walk past the ID.. telling Kailee and Beanie was such a mistake, because they've made it really embarrasing and scary. He stares at me and Rose all the time now.. and I hate being stared at so I blush .
And then me and kailee had a laugh woth my umbrella... i spose that's all they're good for.. breaking an laughing at, cause it wasn't keeping me dry.
The post was boring. I'm in one of those moods.

xxx

I'm in a kinda good mood. But still kinda upset... but mostly good. The only DOEA i have left to decide on is the service part, i wanna do youth work, but not if no one else is. I'm also singing REALLY badly to Avril Lavigne. I only got the album because of When You're Gone. But I actually like it lol.
I've decided that I'm gunna do one of those cereal diets in the summer holidays. because then it's easy and I can go back to year 10 skinny welll, hopefully anyway, you're sposed to loose loads in 2 weeks. cept to keepy my mum happy I have to have it with fruit, because then she's still sure that im getting everythig that i need. and i got a pare of traccies i look awful in them but when i go jogging it's gunna be at like 7 in the morning because i don't want anyone to see me. god.. so much for summer lie ins...
anyway, yeah, pointless information. just suddenly felt like writing.