Angst? Me? Never.

Avril Lavigne

Runaway

Got up on the wrong side of life today yeah
Crashed the car and I'm gonna be really late
My phone doesn't work cause it's out of range
Looks like it's just one of those kind of days
You can't kick me down I'm already on the ground
No you can't cause you couldn't catch me anyhow
Blue skies but the sun isn't coming out no
Today it's like I'm under a heavy cloud

I just wanna scream and lose control
Throw my hands up and let it go
Forget about everything and runaway yeah
I just want to fall and lose myself
Laughing so hard it hurts like hell
Forget about everything and runaway yeah

Today we had "enviroment day" it was alright but a bit depressing because it made you feek guilty for everything that you do. Am giving in my DOEA thingy on Monday because after spending ages with her looking at it last night my mum hadn't actually signed it. I spose it gives me more time to decide what I'm gunna go and everything. Argh, the guys I know are so annoying. For some reason James and Alister are calling me a monk. They were doing it months ago but for some reason I haven't spoken to James for ages but now we are he's doing it again. They found the fact that i live in "abbots"kerswell funny =| you can't say anything and they bow and go "ooohhhmmmm" everytime they walk past me. and james has an evil a laugh. and smile.. it's scary.
Alllsssoooo we now have even less money =| because the guy that dorve into our car hasn't sorted it out the claim isn't going to be sorted in time so it's coming off our thing so our car insurance is going up. :/ we can't afford anything as it is and this is making everything worse and my mum more stressed... which makes her yell at me more. So I have to ask my dad for more money, well, for money for some DOEA stuff and then.. argh, i don't know, i think i'm gunna leave my mum to sorting out the stuff, i can hardly talk to my dad anymore anyway.. i've seen him about 2 times in the last month but whenever i'm around him i get really angry and don't really talk. so.. *shrugs*
haha, i actually enjoy being at school now. it's weird, but with everything here being all stressed it's nicer to be out. beause john's at home all the time with nothing to do he is reallyreallyreallyreallyreally hyper all the time, jumping all over youe and yelling and everything... that's driving me mad. and then there's the fact that my mum is always yelling about something or being upset because she thinks somone like david tennant would never like her. so... being away is nicer lol. and the chavs are nice to us all the time now.. well the girls are, and they were the ones who were mean.. the guys are just annoying. so yeah, the chav girls leave us alone so it's ok now. tho they are really mean the emma and i never know weather or not to say anything. i don't know why everyone hates emma, she's really nice... ok she can be kinda tarty, but the chav girls aren't exactly in a position to comment on that...
hmmm.. makes me feel bad tho, i always wanna say something but i don't know what i can say. whenever it's near me with elsa being mean i just give her the "ignore the idiot" look. but then i also can't be mean or anything to elsa because she's always nice to me. =/ argh. i wish they'd just leave her alone.

i bet none of that made sense

anyway...

Ok so... Mum had massive hissy again about the Duke Of Edinburgh thing and then I decided that it wasn't worth the hassle so I said that I wouldn't bother doing it and then got upset because I was dissapointed but the sorted myself out.. so last 2 days I've been thinking "aww I'm not doing it and it's gunna be crap having to hear about it from everyone else" And then suddenly my mum comes upstairs today and says "i spoke to miss roberts about the DOEA today and she says that the dartmoor stuff is in the summer so it should be ok" and then I'm suddenly ok to do it because my Gran told my mum she was being unfair. So.. yay . Still a bit upset tho, when I got the letter and wanted to do it for a while I thought my mum would be really proud of me for wanting to do it.. and she yelled at me. But oh well I'M DOING IT YAY!!!!
And.. THE RAIN HAS FINALLY STOPPED. We haven't flooded either which is good because I don't like all that. We're not the most affected but some of the houses further into the village get flooded.
And… I love Rose and Ime. They have a weird plan for me because we think it’ll be fun, nothing’ll come of it because there’s no chance of him liking me anyway but it’ll still be a laugh. Rose and Ime have to go and get their german GCSE (they did it a year early) results and Rose said if I sleep at hers the night before I can go with her and Ime and at the same time and them getting their results the year 11s will be getting results aswell.. so I guess it’ll make a day which might be really bad kinda good. It might be really bad depending on what happens with john, but we’re hoping that’s all going to be ok. And anyway it looks as tho john is defiantly going to South Devon college now anyway. I don’t remember if I mentioned it but Dr kerby rang and when they talked about it she said that she thought the best thing for him would be the SDC course.
So.. it’s all good and I hope it stays and way and I stay in a good mood. lol

Being at my gran's wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, she didn't nag at me in the end, but then most of the time we were actually at her house I was sleeping anyway. Steve's show was kewl aswell, he's funny. Once again the whole church thing freaked me out tho, when we went in loads of people stared at us.. mum says it was probably cause they didn't know us but it put me even more on edge. Met Shane Lynch aswell.. if that's how you spell his name. He was nice.. and he didn't yell at me or anything when I walked into him.. so hmm.. he's kewl. He was talking about feeling on his own before he found all of it, but the thing is.. I don't think I believe that it would comepletly make you ok. When someone's yelling at you for no reason and there's no where to go to get a hug or anything.. talking to something in my head doesn't help.
And then.. people say that christians aren't the whole steriotype, but they totally are. I know I've said this before but whenever I'm around religion I'm just getting forced to do things that I'm not comfortable with. I'm either being guilty tripped to go into church where I will have no friends or when I am there I'm being made to do embarrasing games that have nothing to do with god anyway. And then there's the Tuesday night crap.. being made to talk when I don't want to and being told that if *someone* isn't participating there's no point in them even being there. So somehow I don't feel as though I have someone "looking after me". People don't.. cater for people like me. It's like it everwhere, they assume that people won't find things embarrasing or whatever, and they all think that everyone has the confidence to do everything. And then if mean comments get made it's "jokes" and I shouldn't take it seriously. a lot of the time all people do is critisise. I can't help being how I am. And another thing, everyone says that it'll get better as you get older.. you'll have more confidence and find it easier to talk to people.. but that's a load of shit because the older I get the worse I get.
Sorry. I a bit of a feel sorry for myself one.
A lot of a feeling sorry for myself one.

It's true. And my mum doesn't like it, we're going up to stay at my Gran's in north Devon tonight and she doesn't wanna drive it, but we're going to see Steve do one of his escapoligy shows so we don't have the option now.
I'm kinda worried about it, because she'll talk to my gran about how she's feeling and then i'm just gunna have to do everything i can not to be on my own in a room with my gran... cause she won't shutup about how i should do more and how i'm lucky etc. like i haven't even tried to help, when i have, i just get nagged at anyway. and then there's the fact that my gran doesn't like steve because of what happened during IAB so we'll probably have to leave straight away even tho my mum would probaby like to talk to steve.. that guy that used to be n boyzone is gunna be there too.. shayne linch? his songs are crap, i wish she could be writing a book for someone interesting lol. but i guess it's not her fault.
i think we're gunna flood y'know. the rain is tipping it down.
grrr.. my MSN has got weird, people's display pictures don't come up anymore even tho i've set it do they do come up. any ideas how to get them back?

see you tomorow xxx

mum is trying to make me feel guilty about not going to church again. she had a massive go at me earlier. she basically wants me to go to some camp where i'm going to be talked at about things i don't know if i believe in anymore.. be on my own all the time causei have no frinds.. and just generally be miserable. and then when i bought up the king edinburgh award she said something REALLY unfair, she said she'd sign it if i went to church with them every sunday. THAT IS COMPLETLY UNFAIR. I just said no way and told her why. well.. i didn't say about being sick of all of it.. but i did say that whenever i'm around religion all that seems to happen is me being pushed to talk about things i don't want to talk about.. or being made to do something embarrasing. i swear god wouldn't want people being forced to want to know him. i expect he'd like it if someone went because they wanted to, and i don't think he'd want "his people" making everyone that isn't 100% feel like crap.
also, it's annoying me how people are horrible to me and then they seem to wonder why i'm not being chatty. mum had a massive go at me for no reason as soon as i got in the car from school today.. and then made a big thing about me "never being chatty anymore" she makes me feel not good enough all the time, and then expects me to like.. be her little.. minion. she's just in one of those moods where everything that she normally likes.. and everything that she does with me suddenly becomes crap. like.. certain v stuff that me and her watch cause like.. it's our thing, it's suddenly all "i'm sick of this watch something else" and if u suggest me and her going out for coffee that's boring aswell because all we do is go to the same places. it hurts y'know... she should be happy with it because it's with me. but as usual i'm not good enough so she has to go and look for something else. she yelled at me this morning aswell, all that happened was i snapped at john because he was pissing me off and then she said that i'd better not be in a bad mood all the way thru our holiday. everyone always says that i ruin holidays when i'm actually happy even tho all that hugh does is have a go at me all the time.
moving onto my next moan i still feel just as bad about my dad... he still hasn't shown up with the money which is annoying and he still just seems.. not to care. well.. not like a dad. i don't know how to explain it i just want.. right now.. i know this is selfish, i just want.. someone to look our for me.. a big brother or sister. i love john but he's never gunna.. look out for me and give me a hug when i need it.. and most people at school only seem interested when i'm being a laugh or have problems of their own so i can't talk to them anyway.
and then online soph is annoying me. she's a complete bitch and i know she would drop me the second i didn't do what sammie wanted, she also just came into a chatroom and didn't bother saying hi and then goes "thanks for the hellos" i'm seriously going to have to yell in a minute. but then i can't do that either because then i'm screwing things up and making online crap for everyone.
ARGH. i just want someone to treat me like i'm good enough.. i want mike to come back.. i probably wouldn't talk to him about any of this but just having him around would make me feel better.
i talked a bit to resh last night... she was really sweet and everything.. the only people that seem to really wanna talk to me are online. well.. rose does sometimes.. but geena seems to have gone off me a bit so i can't talk to her anymore. and anyway.. i don't know that talking about it is even going to help me tbh.. this hasn't. i've just upset myself. i need to thing of something good to say so i don't sound like a selfish pathetic moody cow. ummm.... oh yeah.. Hollyoaks was good. lol.

xXx

Spent first couple of lessons today with different people from normal. In french everyone around us all talked to eachother.. rather than me being the only one not knowing what everyone is on about which made a nce change. Alistair was talking about his family and stuff.. and then he kinda.. seems a bit old fashiondy. They were all talking about this sleepover thing that they are having and someoone called Maddie was sposed to be going, but she was at her dad's.. and Alistair was all "her parent's don't live together?!" Lol. And he was really shocked because he went round asking everyone if their parents are still together. There was about 7 of us in the group. 6/7 had divorced/separated parents lol. Then.. we were talking about families for a while.. and then I was asking about their drama group. I still don't know what's really happening with John, but I know he was wanting to join a drama group so I was asking about the ages and I mentioned about the special needs and stuff.. and then Sam and Alistair started asking me all about it..
It was weird, no one normally ever really cares about it... and.. I know a lot about it, but when they asked me I didn't know what to say because.. no one ever does. People aren't normally that interested in serious stuff about me, I kinda get ignored when I'm not laughing lol. I just.. didn't think it was something I was going to be bad at talking about, but I obviously am. And it's hard to make people understand, like right now.. he's being a complete pain in the arse, but I can't just say that. And I ended up talking a bit about the eppilepsi.. but that's where the conversation fininshed because I'm bad at talking about that. Just.. bad memories I guess. And then I get scared and stuff.. So it's just better that I don't talk about it.
Hahahaha.. The Infamous Devil thing is getting really out of hand. To start off with it was just me and Rose messing around.. then Kailee and Beanie got told about it.. and now they've told everyone. And now he seems to have told all his friends about the weird girls that laugh at him all the time. Argh. And then there's the situation with the scary girls.. Lol. I never talk about the stupid things that me and Rose do all the time on here... well.. The Infamous Devil David Serum GHD Chip The First (to give him his fill name) is someone that was mean to us about our charity rasing thing on children in need day.. And then lol, there's the scary girls. They were giving us scary looks one day when me and Rose were walking down to the station after school.. and now they know who we are as well.. cause we run away when we see them. Lol.
Anyway.. Hollyoaks is on lol..
"did I really kill them claire?"
"yes tom, you did"

I watch too much tv.

anyway

Feel terirble. i'm still updownreallyreallyupextreemlydownangrypissedofcryinghyper
lol.
dad was supposed to bring the money around tonight because we need it. he hasn't showed up. what a fucking suprise that is.

anyway.. i am singing along ver loudly to this song.. and it's cheering me up lol.
actually.. it's cheered me up loads. i love this song.

PANIC! AT THE DISCO LYRICS

There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey. You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet

Please, leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman.
From that moment you'll be out of place and underdressed.
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and...

And I know, and I know, it just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up.
I've never been so surreptitious, so of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch.

singing along loudly and badly

Done a lot of laughing today.. which I guess made up for the last few days of feeling crap. I have managed to be amazingly unsympathetic to everyone today. Alister came up to me earlier and said Katie had been mean to him and he was well.. genuinly upset.. and then he goes "she called me a minger". I burst out laughing Lol.. well it was really funny. I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't that. And then me and Rose left him and Felix etc and.. I'm embarrased myself. There are these double doors.. and one of them normally never opens, so i decided to pull the one that never opens really hard and... it opened and i flew backwards into the guy that was behind me. . Fortunatly for me he was good about it. so while rose was killing herself laughing i had to try and keep a straight face to say sorry to this guy and i was trying to too laugh to much till he'd gone.
lol.
and thennnnnn... we were with felix and alister again and alister was still all upset so i said sorry about laughing about katie calling him a minger. and then they said that it wasn't just that. james was being mean (the guys in my school are such drama queens) and then i thought i'd mention something and then felix went "that's just typical james really" just in time for james to be walking around the corner. . then we were laughing about that then rose put her umbrella up and it broke..
i bet none of this sounds funny, but at the time it seriously was.
then it kinda got ruined. most of our teachers can't be bothered to teach us anything anymore (we had the same maths lesson but with different teachers every day last week) and like.. in english now we're watching films. and godddddddd, for the last few lessons we#ve been watching i really depressing one called Shooting Dogs.. bout the war in Rowanda. every single other group didn't watch it cause apprently it's not suitable.. but we did. it was really sad.. and i guess what makes it worse is that you can't think "oh it's not real" god. the worst thing tho was at the end, where they were saying things about the crew working on it, one guy lost his whole family. i just.. i don't see why no one could help. i know that the UN weren't allowed to take sides but i think it's stupid that they weren't allowed to do anything while all these people were being killed. they should have at least been able to stop it if they were near it.

For some reason I just too a quiz to find out what emoticon I am.

Weird night last night. Online is getting weirder and weirder… night before last I was arguing about nothing with Soph… Then bitching about a different Soph with Josh.. he really made me laugh and is expecting a father’s day card.. rofl. He’s my online dad.. lol. And then, to make everything even more weird than it was I randomly stood up for Sammie when someone was having a go at her. I don’t know why I did it really… I don’t want to get back into all that screwed up stuff with her. Until yesterday I thought I hated her lol. And then we were.. mucking around and stuff, kinda like it was before cept I was thinking “wtf?!” in my head. Beckie is going to kill me… and Mel… and Zoey. Hmmm… I have definatly confused myself, and I don’t know what’s going to happen today. Do I go back to ignoring her or not? Ahh… I don’t know.
Also.. Father’s Day . I’m supposed to be going to my dad’s today but I’ve already decided that I’m not going. I was just gunna say that I don’t wanna go but then I felt guilty and it started to make me feel sick so I’ve decided that I’m just going to say that I have something for school that I have to finish. I don’t know why I feel bad, I doubt that he ever has . I doubt he did on John’s birthday.. tbh I doubt he even thought about it. Argh, I wish mum would just let me say my bit. I could say it anyway, but again, I don’t think I can be bothered with everything going wrong. And the fact that it’s obvious that he’s gunna shout back not just sit there and listen to me like I want him to. And plus apparently he’s ok because he doesn’t actually think about the fact that I don’t feel like I have a dad. But again, how could he think about it? HE DOESN’T KNOW!! I’ve decided I want Kevin from Eastenders as my dad. He’s weird, but… I like him and he’s nice and everything. And he’s not actually his kid’s real dad… but he looks after them anyway and still does the whole dad thing. Neither Hugh or Dad do that. It makes me feel pretty like.. nobody wants me ish. Buttttt, I’m not going to get back into that. Because after all that I did about 3 solid days of crying before, so like I said… I’m not going over it again. It’s just upsetting me in my head.
Yesterday was alright. It was a bit boring tho. I hate bus drivers, sorry but they are all miserable and rude to us. This one lady, on the way back, she was 10 minutes late, and then when we checked she was going to the place that we wanted she got all stressy with us. It really doesn’t take that much to say “yes” nicely. Then I talked to Rose about yesterday a bit on the bus. She listened to me and everything, and then said that she sometimes has the same problems. I like it when she talks to me about stuff… actually, I like it when anyone does. I’m always on the AOL “stressed out” message boards giving advice and stuff, it’s fun, cept now there is this girl that e mails me with something every day and her stories are gradually getting less and less believable. Oh well. I don’t actually care if she’s lying, thinking up replies is keeping my occupied. And it’s not like she’s making me feel guilty for anything… So, yeah, she seems sweet enough.
Argh, I always feel soooo ugly when I’m with my friends. They all look nice all the time. And Chloe said that I’m miserable all the time yesterday, which I thought was a bit harsh. Ok… I didn’t do all that much talking yesterday, but I didn’t have anything to say worth hearing anyway. AND she barely spends any time with me so I really don’t know how she’d know. And I know for a fact that I’m not miserable all the time because I do a lot of laughing. Just not when I’m at home. Or when I’m near things that piss me off (i.e her).
Aren’t I just so nice?

I have done a lot of eating lol, I hate being shouted at so I guess this is a normal reaction. Mum has calmed down today so I have to be ok with her.. even got her something when I was in town because I can't be arsed with arguments. I just.. everything in the last few days.. half of which I haven't written about yet.. made me realise that.. well.. nearly everyone around me has a really low opinion of me . They really do. Lots of people act differently around me depending on who's around. Karly.. we're always making sure she's alright and causing shit for ourselves with the chavs sticking up for her. And then despite all that the second that they come near she starts being mean to us to make herself look kewl. My mum seems to think that I'm gunna go off and never contact her againa as soon as I'm 16.. and she seems to think that I have no brain of my own and I'm gunna become a complete slag. People just.. don't care about how they treat me cause like.. it's only me and I'm not gunna do aything about it . I hate it. I can't be bothered with Karly anymore.. and the next time the chavs make her cry she can sort herself out. I don't care anymore. And online isn't fun anymore. I was avoiding coming on because everytime I do I get millions of bitchy comments. FUCK SAKE
There was no point in writing this. It hasn't made me feel any better.. lol.
So.. hm.. Bye.

My mum is being really unfair. Whenever I’m happy about something she hates it. I’m crying now.. it’s stupid.. just something that she said got to me a lot.
I just.. today we were given some letters to see if we wanted to do this Duke of Edinburgh Award Scheme thing. I wanna do it… I just.. I don’t feel like I’m good at anything.. I don’t have any confidence.. I’m just.. argh.. crap at everything. And then for once when they gave us this I actually though “yeah, I wanna do that” rather oh my god no way. So.. I guess I’ve been excited about it all day, because I just.. I found something that I actually wanna do and I guess.. I was just happy about that.
Then… end of school. There was part of it I thought that my mum might be a bit stressy about, the camping on Dartmoor. But I spose I thought she’d be alright about it. She wasn’t. she got really stressed with me and said the whole thing was stupid and didn’t know why I wanted to do something like that. She’s trying to make me feel like I have to be scared of everything because something is going to kill me any second. I’m NOT going to live like that. She doesn’t want me to do anything, she gets mad when I want to go to Rose’s house and stuff… just because I wanna go out. And then when I said that she wasn’t being fair she said her life was unfair and stuff.. basically blamed everything that’s wrong on me. I just… I don’t know why she acts like she has such a bad deal all the time. I don’t think I’m horrible.. I don’t smoke.. I don’t have friends she hates.. I don’t drink.. I don’t go out without her knowing where I am, I come home when I’m meant to.. all of that. She just… I’ve been like.. nice in the last week or so.. I’ve tried really hard and stuff and she still thinks that I’m not good enough. She does loads of things that I hate. She’s been with a man that hates us and makes us feel horrible all the time for fucking 10 YEARS. I just.. it’s 4 weekends. All I want. And it’s not like we ever do anything. I sit around being bored. And ANYWAY she is always going on at me that I should be doing something. I just.. ARGH. Why does she make it seem like I’m the worst daughter she could ever have ended up with?! What I could do now if I was really a bitch is tell my dad about it… because he’d want me to do it and make mum let me, BUT I’M NOT LIKE THAT. I could have done that with so many different things. When I feel like this it makes me wanna blame things on her. I just.. ok.. she can care, but I don’t think caring goes as far as guilt tripping someone when they don’t do exactly what you want. I went to church for years because she wanted to.. even tho it was miserable and I had no friends and all I did was not want to go. SHE’S the one that’s been going on about my eating. SHE’S the one that says I should be exercising and guess what? SHE’S the one saying I should be doing something rather than sitting around all the time doing nothing.
It isn’t fair.
I’m not horrible. I really don’t think I am.
After everything that happened with dad.. I was really in a mess.. I wanted to talk to him. She said she didn’t want me to. And I haven’t. 14 years worth of issues and I’m saying anything because she didn’t want me to.
I’m not horrible. I’m not.. am I?
I don’t know. I feel fucking horrible tho…

ok so, not any better than yesterday. and now there is more that is bothering me. we're going out tomorow night to pizza hut.. because john finishes his exams. and.. i'm worried about it.. really worried. i want the weight gone. but then i'm thinking if i don't eat all day then maybe pizza won't matter. but then i think i might die half way thru the day without eating anything. maybe just skip lunch.. argh, i dunnio. if we're going out about 8 i won't have had anything since about 8.. that's 12 hours. argh godddd. maybe iif i had an apple of something when i got home? argh, i don't know. i don't know why i'm so worried about all this. i just.. all of it is depressing me. and anyway, i spose.. i'm taking my mind off worrying about people. like i'm trying to help beckie.. and she wants to know other ways of calming herself down. and she doesn't know that i understand her. and i can't tell her that i do, because i just.. don't tell people that kinda stuff. arghhhh.
ohhh noooo, i just remembered i'm going to torquay with everyone on saturday and that'll mean everyone eating crap... argh.
no one gets it, i just tried talking to katie.. but she didn't really understand. it's just.. argh, it's all i'm thinking about. it's annoying and stupid and pathetic.
but i still can't help it..

Ok.. so I have written the last few days have I? I've had a few failed attempts. I guess.. my head is just in a bit of a mess, I'm really.. obsessing now about my weight and stuff. I know it's stupid it's just.. nearly all i've thought out in the last couple of days.
I know I'll be ok and stuff.. it's just another one of my stupid phases it just.. hmm.. I need to sort myself out soon.
I miss Mike.. he hasn't been online since I got that message about him not going to be on.. they said a few days.. it's bene ages now. I know it's stupid but a lot of the time him and josh together are the only ones that have any ability to cheer me up when i feel like this. I've talked to josh a bit but because zoey and sammie now seem to have to got together an i hate lydia club outa all the people i wasn't friends with it's.. difficult. being online used to be fun, now i seem to come on to be made to feel crap. foof.
anything else.. hm.. well, geena's back with gavin so that universe is ok, which is good. i was gunna ask more about her mum but i decided not to. oh yeah, and another new person who looks EXACTLY like Jo, it's actually kinda scary. i keep trying to talk to the new girl.. katie.. but it's hard, she makes me feel uncomfartable and i don't know why.. part of me thinks that she knows that i feel like that because i was sat near her in maths today and all she kept staring at me. i hate it when people do that. argghhh.. i'm so.. argh, i can't explain it. everything is just so screwed up in my head. it's annoying me that i can be this self obbsessed. and it's not like what i've done is gunna help me loose weight it's just.. ARGH. i just.. feel like if i loose what i wanna loose everything'll be ok.. when i know that isn't actually true so.. argh. but then at the same time..
ohhh i don't knowwwwww

Yep, I'm at home again. I wish I could be at home and feel ok, but if I did feel ok then I'd be at school which would be crap.. I guess I can't have everything . Urgh, got "girl pains" (lol) which isn't helping either. Paracetamol are craaapppppp.

Anyway, Mum went round to Owen's house last night and his mum was at home so we found out what is definatly happening. Basically it all started out as an ear infection, but Owen didn't like taking the medication and so it didn't get taken properly so the infection got really nasty . It's all infected the bone behind his ear, and I don't really understand why, but because of this massive infection all the blood clotted and then he got taken into hospital. Poor little kid ended up having a 5 hour operation so that they could sort out the infefction and remove part of the bone behind his ear (it was that damaged by all of it) But when they were doing the operation he bled more than they thought so he ended up having blood transfusion aswell!!! He's only 5 and has been in hospital since he had the operation, apprently he's still really unwell
One kinda sweet thing happened, when my mum went round last night and explained who she was to Owen's gran she said "oh, I know who you are Owen loves you" and it's all... awwwwww.
oh yeah, and just remembered, the worst thing was apprently Owen kept saying "what have i done?" hope he understands it's not his fault what happened.

have to go offline.. mum has to ring school and check john picked up his lunch money.
Oooooh, and we might FINALLY be getting our money back from when Kenneth Pedbetter decided to drive into us.. he gave the police his wrong address or something. My mum told me when you yell at people they do what you way. Lol.

Docters are useless.. sorry to any docters that are good but some of you seriously need to learn to do your job properly!! There is this little boy that lives near us called Owen, when my mum still worked at the pre-school he was her favourite, and his mum is lovely aswell. Basically over the last few weeks he has been really ill, he hadn't been eating and he was being sick a lot. When I went to the docter a couple of weeks ago he was there, that's how we found out about all this. Then abour a week after we found out about him being ill my mum took round a teddy for him as like a.. get well soon present, and his mum said that he was on some antibiotics but they weren't working yet . Then she meant to go back but because there has been a lot to do here she didn't get round to it, and just now her and John went to the shop and ran into someone who works at the pre-school and Owen has been in hospital for a week the docter didn't know what was wrong or mis dianosed it or something, Owen has some infection behind his ear which has been getting worse and worse because they haven't done anything about it, apprently all the bone behind his ear is like honeycomb because of the infection. He hasn't come out of hospital yet. I really hope he's ok, I don't know him very well but he'd a really sweet little boy and.. just I wish they'd sorted him out sooner.
Which.. brings me to the thing about that family in the news. I only saw it cause of being at home and watching This Morning. About the woman that died of blood poisening, she went thru like.. 8 docters or something before they took her to hospital.. and it was too late by then.
It's just.. I really do want to be a nurse.. i just don't know if i want to be a part of something that is this bad.. but then maybe it'll be better by then. Or maybe it's just the docter that we have here, but then it's not, because this other woman didn't live around here. I just think that must be really awful, cause i saw her husband of tv this morning.. and like.. him knowing that something could have been done but wasn't.. must make him anrgy, but he didn't ocme across as a really angry person. I don't know, i spose just this happening with Owen aswell has really made me think about it. the fact that people have died from ppor services but people are getting free boob jobs.. that's just not right

I was planning on writing loads lol.. but i still feel crap. I think my mum is gunna let me have the day off tomorow tho lol, which is kewl.
lots of baby things at the zoo.. the monkey families are really amazing.. i wish that i had a big family sometimes.. a lot. also we weew really close to a lemur at on point because it was sitting on a bridge we were going to cross.
As usual sammie's upset me.. just the bitchy comments and stuff.. i'm trying not to let it but she's really getting to me.
i want to look different. i'm starting to obsess about it again which isn't good, it gets me really really down and stuff.. i just, argh, i wanna loose wieght i hate my hair i look fat and horrible in all my clothes.. i go red too easily. i just want someone to stop me from feeling that way. and then i feel stupid because i'm thinking about myself so much lol.

anyway.. bye bye x

I HATE SAMMIE I REALLY REALLY HATE HER SHE'S A STUPID BITCH AND I DON'T KNOW WHY I EVER THOUGHT SHE WAS NICE
I HATE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok.. *breathes*
she is trying to stop everyone from being friends with me and the thing is.. i don't know why because i haven't done that with her, whenever anyone leaves her to talk to me she makes a comment.. someone i thought was my friend had a massive go at me because of her making them feel bad for talking to me, a minute ago, i came in chat and she said instantly "everyone, wanna go to TG?" she is a bully I HATE HER. they didn't all go, which i guess is good.. i'm just scared, because even tho they are only friendships behind a computer screen they still mean as much to me as normal friendships do.. i just.. i'm having to worry ALL the time that one day i'm going to come on and no one is going to talk to me at all, and i have a bug. my throat hurts, my glands feel up i feel sick my head hurts. the zoo isn't going to be fun now and mum made me go to school today, and i bet if it had of been john she would've let him stay at home. told rose about the dad not showing up to john's birthday.. that's all i said tho, because when i talk about how i feel with that i cry and i don't like crying in front of people cause it makes them sad. and i have cried in front of my mum a lot in the last few days because i couldn't help it so i feel bad about that cause i know that upsets her. i just.. argh, i want sammie to leave me alone, i don't see why she wants no one to be friends with me just because i stood up to her, it's driving me frigging madddddd. and i'm worried all the time about it. i don't even know why i come on because all i seem to do is get upset about all of it, and then i talked to josh and katie about it last night, and they told me they weren't going anywhere.. but the thing is.. argh, i don't know.. if someone was going on and on at you about being friends with a person.. would you give up? i hope you wouldn't cause else i'm a bit screwed. I HATE HER

Today’s been good. Kinda had a really crappy start but after a while it got better.

This morning mum kept telling me more of the shitty things that dad’s done.. and like… I just don’t get it. Because she knows how bad I’ve felt because of this in the last couple of days… so.. I don’t know why she is telling me all this stuff and getting me more mad. And then whenever I want to talk to him about anything she always tells me that I can’t because it isn’t worth it. I don’t think that’s fair, because like now.. despite the last couple of days when I next see him I’ll have to act like I’m fine and everything’ll just keep boiling around inside me. It sucks.

Then we went to my gran’s (Dingle.. don’t ask, there was a gran and a nana so she said she would be dingle.. it’s no wonder I am like I am really.. there is a serious lack of sanity in my family). And we were with her for a while, and annoyingly it seems like my mum has told her pretty much everything that I’ve said in the last couple of days.. and.. well, I spose it’s fine I just don’t like people that I don’t know very well (I know that sounds awful but it’s true) like.. knowing when I feel bad about stuff.. and I don’t like them knowing what it is I fele bad about cause if they don’t know me it’s more likely that they’ll say it’s stupid. But then.. if I think that then why do I do this blog? Hmmm… I dunno, I guess it’s just easier writing things down than talking about them with people that’ll then get upset about what you say.

Then.. we went to see Julian and Gill and the babyyyyy. Catherine is sooo sweet and she’s gunna be Catie, which is kewl.. it looks kewl with a C lol. I held her.. she’s really sweet tho she started crying after a while.. her head’s all soft and stuff still. And then when I worried about something and said sorry Gill said not to because she didn’t know any more than me seeing as she’s only been doing it 4 days. So lol.. I didn’t feel so uncomfortable and stuff after that.
I like Gill.. she’s the only one of our family outside of me and mum and john that I can properly talk to, maybe that’s cause she’s only related by marriage.

Argh.. I can’t even talk to my own family

Yes, had ice cream lol, and lots of it. I am being sooo unhealthy at the moment, but I told mum she had to buy it because she made me pretend I was ok with dad when he came over . Lol, she let me stay at home tho, and we're not going next week either. I think dad knew there was something wrong tho, cause when he got back with John he decided to give me money. Which is kewl I guess. Doesn't make up for the amount of crying that I've done in the past couple of days (tho I will admitt some of it was down to Neighbors but if anyone has been watching it they will fully know what I mean lolol) So.. yeah, I have £10. And I now have a grand total of £25 and the shoes I want are £27.99 and mum says she will give me the extra money . So WOOOOOO!! Lol.
Actually had a pretty good day in the end, just being at home.. and it was nice, because me and mum had some time just us and she wasn't in a bad mood so she was making me laugh and buying me ice cream (lol). Still.. can't get rid of this annoying feeling that I have. I dunno what it is really. Someone online made it worse lol, they told me that I've ruined everything. But.. hmm.. If someone is telling you that they have self harmed because you weren't there for them enough I think you would probably stop speaking to them aswell. And anyway, after speaking to some other people (one of them has met up wiht her) I know everything she ever told me is pretty much a lie. But strangly enough.. I don't care. I don't care about Sammie and all her stupid lies etc, but.. the only thing that bugs me is the turning people against me thing. Ahh well..
ARGH Big Brother. LOL, I've been watching it lolol, and even tho my mum used to say that she hates it she sits and watches it with me cause it's so funny Gawd, the Victoria Beckman wannabe has to be my favourite, she's sooo dumb, and she was saying about all her ambitions to be a WAG. Seriously, that's what she wants to do with her life. Ahh well.. And then when she was in the diary room she was talking about how someone peeing in the shower made her stomach convulge..revluse..revolt..convrse.. anyway.
Sounds crap when I write it but it was v funny.

How can you hate BB? LOLOL

I feel a bit better today.. Still feel pretty rejected, but I'm trying to push it to the back of me mind lol.

Gill came home with Katherine yesterday evening, which is good. Because for a while they thought they were going to have to do a blood transfusion, and she didn't want to have one. She lost a lot of iron tho, because they had to do some kind of operation but I don't know exactly what. I can't wait for Sunday when we get to go up and see her . They have wanted a baby for such a longggg time aswell, so it's amazing for them that's she's finally come.. even if she was pretty late .

Went to Sainsbury's with mum, but couldn't even be bothered to get excited about seeing the amazing gorgous guy.. I thought he'd quit cause I haven't seen him for such a long time lol, but I'm knakerd and I seem to have developed a cold overnight so I couldn't be bothered to think about him much.

It was yesterday that John went to south Devon College, the course is good and everything, but we're still not sure wether or not it's the right thing for John, because accamdemicly, he is a bit ahead of the other kids that do this course, but his major problems are his social and life skills. So.. We don't know, because we want all these skills that he needs, and the college will find him a job placment where he'll get looked after properly.. but at the same time it's difficult, because we don't want to me limiting him. It's really hard when you are looking after someone who is middle of the range, because there is everything out there for children who have the extremly serious needs, but then for children like John there really isn't much out there.
It's hard really..
Does anyone have any ideas? Lol, I think it's stupid to say that, because you don't know him and stuff, but.. it's hard my mum doesn't know what to do..
They are thinking of arranging another day for him to go in within the next couple of weeks. so hopefully, hopefully that'll make the desicion a bit easier...