Angst? Me? Never.

Still feel just as crap. This is kinda stupid, John is fine. I guess just being mad makes me think about all the stuff that’s ever upset me. And all the things that my mum has ever told me.. and the things that she’s still telling me.

I just… I realised about 10 minutes ago that I don’t feel like I have a dad, cause… dad’s aren’t like this, they want to know you, they care about what’s gunna happen to their kids. He doesn’t. I feel rejected I feel… STUPID. Talking about it doesn’t do anything, I still feel the same cept kinda worse because it makes me think even more.
I don’t have a dad. This isn’t just because I’m mad still, it’s how I feel, because he just isn’t.. and from now I might as well refer to him as Tim. But the thing is, loads of people think of their step dad’s or something as their dads and… Hugh should be that because he’s been around for such a long time, but he doesn’t want to know either…

And then mum mentioned that me starting an argument probably wasn’t a good idea because apparently he gets really nasty, like when her dad was ill a few years ago and her and Tim argued he said that he didn’t care if her dad died he was never doing any extra looking after us again. And he hasn’t.
I really don’t have a dad.

Can’t turn this song off…

LINKIN PARK

Hands Held High

Turn my mike up louder I got to say something
Light weights step to the side when we come in

Feel it in your chest the syllables get pumping
People on the street they panic and start running

Words on loose leaf sheet complete coming
I jump in my mind and summon the rhyme, I'm dumping

Healing the blind I promise to let the sun in
Sick of the dark ways we march to the drum and

Jump when they tell us that they wanna see jumping
Fuck that I wanna see some fists pumping

Risk something, take back what's yours
Say something that you know they might attack you for

Cause I'm sick of being treated like I have before
Like it's stupid standing for what I'm standing for

Like this war's really just a different brand of war
Like it doesn't cater the rich and abandon poor

Like they understand you in the back of the jet
When you can't put gas in your tank

These fuckers are laughing their way to the bank and cashing the check
Asking you to have compassion and have some respect

For a leader so nervous in an obvious way
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
In their living room laughing like "what did he say?"

[Chorus]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
[End Chorus]

In my living room watching but I am not laughing
Cause when it gets tense I know what might happen

World is cold the bold men take action
Have to react or get blown into fractions

Ten years old it's something to see
Another kid my age drug under a jeep

Taken and bound and found later under a tree
I wonder if he had thought the next one could be me

Do you see the soldiers they're out today
They brush the dust with bullet proof vests away

It's ironic at times like this you pray
But a bomb blew the mosque up yesterday

There's bombs in the buses, bikes, roads
Inside your market, your shops, your clothes

My dad he's got a lot of fear I know
But enough pride inside not to let that show

My brother had a book he would hold with pride
A little red cover with a broken spine

On the back, he hand-wrote a quote inside
When the rich wage war it's the poor who die

Meanwhile, the leader just talks away
Stuttering and mumbling for nightly news to replay

And the rest of the world watching at the end of the day
both scared and angry like "what did he say?"

[Chorus]
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen
Amen

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you

With hands held high into a sky so blue
As the ocean opens up to swallow you
[End Chorus]

I HATE MY STUPID FUCKING DAD

He has gone to far this time, I mean, I was pretty pissed off when he did it to me but now to John aswell?! That is sooooooo much worse. I really do hate him for this.
He told John that he was coming over today, and John has been excited about seeing him and stuff. (it's John's 17th birthday today) And mum rang dad a sec ago cause we'd seen on the phone that he had rung and all he said was that he had had a "hard" day, so he wasn't coming.
I HATE HIM. MY MUM WASN'T FEELING GOOD THIS MORNING BUT SHE DIDN'T GO "OH, I'M NOT HAPPY, WHO CARES ABOUT JOHN'S BIRTHDAY" I HATE HIM. I can't believe it. Joh really looked like he was going to cry, he still does. I'm sick of dad only being there part time. Other people's dad's still do stuff even tho they don't live with him, but all he does is make is sit there while he watches golf once a week. When we need more money he says he can't because he has to pay is "depts" and then he goes out and buys docter who dvds. Whenever we try and talk about John he doesn't wanna know. I'm not going on Saturday, I'm tempted to call him now and ask him who the hell he thinks he is, but then he might come over (yeah right)
I hate this, I want to cry because I'm so pissed of. I actually can't get into words how much I hate him at this moment. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not going to his on Saturday and I'm telling him why. I'm making him feel bad for this wether he likes it or not.
I'm not being unreasonable am i?
IF YOU SAY YOU ARE COMING TO YOUR KIDS BIRTHDAY YOU BLOODY WELL COME!!!! hard day? what? he loose a golf ball?
I HATE him.

The baby was born last night, it's a girl, she's probably called Katherine.

I was really looking forward to writing about her but somehow I can't now.

I want to cry but i'm to angry.

I HATE HIM HE IS SO USELESS WHAT THE HELL WAS THE POINT IN WANTING KIDS IF HE WASN'T EVEN GOING TO STICK AROUND?! WHY DID HE MARRY A WHORE WHO HATES US AND WHY THE FUCK DOES HE LET HER TREAT US LIKE WE'RE SOME KIND OF FUCKING PROBLEM?! WHY DID HE START A JOB WHICH MEANT IT CUT US SEEING HIM DOWN TO HALF DAYS? WHY DOES HE PLAY GOLF HALF THE TIME INSTEAD OF SEEING US? WHY DOESN'T HE WANT TO THINK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IN THE FUTURE WITH JOHN?!???! I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE FUCKING TIME AND IT ISN'T EVEN MY JOB!! WHY DOESN'T HE GIVE US ENOUGH MONEY AND THEN ALWAYS "HAVE TO GO" WHEN THE SUBJECT COMES UP! WHY DOES HE SPEND THE WHOLE TIME WE ARE THERE WATCHING GOLF AND TAKING US TO PLACES WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO TO?! WHY DOES HE THINK THAT WE ARE GOING TO WAIT AROUND FOREVER JUST TO FIND OUT HE ISN'T TURNING UP?! WHY CAN'T HE JUST BE A GOOD DAD, WHO'LL HELP OUT WHEN WE NEED HIM, TAKE ME PLACES AND JUST.. WANT TO KNOW US?! WHY WHY WHY FUCKING WHY

Ok, I have sort of not felt the need for this blog so much in the last couple of days, but after something weird that just happened I now kinda do.

Ok, first, good news. GILL IS IN LABOR. They had to induce it cause of the abay being 2 weeks late, but still, this is better than nothing. But.. I kinda think I won’t be waiting up because her mum having her was 35 hours and her sister having her daughter was 32 hours, so I think it’ll be a while yet.

Ok… now why I’m worried. One of mike’s (yes, online person) friends just sent me something on msn saying that he wouldn’t be online for a few days and gave me his mobile number and when I asked they said they “thought” he was ok. I spoke to him earlier and everything and he was fine. Argh, I hate being me, I bet it is nothing and I’m worried for no reason. Shows he knows me tho, he got someone to tell me seeing as he knows I’m the sort of person that worried, so… yeah, it’s sweet and everything. But with him giving me his number.. I wonder if that means that something has happened or that he was just.. being there so if something happened with me I’d have someone. Argh. I’m really worried. And I don’t have credit so I’ll have to use john’s phone. He never uses it tho, Kath gave it to us and John never takes it anywhere because of the Winnie The Poo cover that we can’t be bothered to replace, and when I asked my mum if I could borrow some money for credit (cept I said for someone at school lol) she said I could use it, so I guess it’s fine.
I actually feel better for writing that lol.

And omgomgomgomgomg! John is 17 tomorrow, it’s so weird cause john.. he just doesn’t seem like a 17 year old, I don’t know if it’s a part of everything but he only looks about year 8 and him with all these other people is weird enough… but being 17. God, it’s really weird. But then I guess it gets made slightly less weird by the fact that he wants to go to Digger Land. Which doesn’t bother me, cause even tho we are the only people there without a toddler it’s still actually a really fun place. Lol. Driving diggers all tomorrow. And Gills baby might share a birthday with John, which he brought up and thinks is kewl, so that’s all ok aswell.

I’m calmer now.

So much for not relying on this so much anymore…

The title has nothing to do with anything lol.

hahaha, this is the e mail that I came online to
[all i said she deserved, seriously] lol

but from Hannah:

I ABSOLOUTELY FUCKING SICK OF YOU HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A ATTENTION SEEKER YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM GOIGN THROUGH.
YOU THINK EVERYONE LIKES YOU AND THEY HATE YIOU
I DEFINRTELY FUCKIGN HATE YOU

being loved, it's such a great thing. somehow instead of upsetting me it made me laugh.
The person that sent me that e mail was sat in a chatroom saying that they wanted to die. and they hated life and everything was rubbish. it was really upsetting everyone, and so i snapped, and a lot of people snapped, and she has 2 not so lovely e mails waiting for her tomorow.

now.. song i've had on for the last couple of days, it has nothing to do with anything, i just think the lyrics are beautiful.

BOWLING FOR SOUP LYRICS

Much More Beautiful Person

Jeanie has a dad that might as well be dead.
A case of day habit every other kids.
She's a much more beautiful person
Then you'll ever know.
She hates the world
At least the one outside.
She's a Myspace kid livin a virtual life.
She's a much more beautiful person
Than she'll ever know.

[CHORUS]
Close your eyes and the time tick by.
In this life, it's OK to cry, sometimes.
It can be hard to see what's right in front of you.
You're gonna smile sometimes,
Your worlds will collide.
I know you're tired of waiting,
So when you're through with hating,
You'll be a much more beautiful person,
And now you know.
And now you know.

Tommy can't help but feelin alone,
Walking the halls with his head hung low.
And he's a much more beautiful person
Than he'll ever know.
High school kids can be so nasty
In a cut-throat war for popularity.
A much more beautiful person then he'll ever know.

[CHORUS]

And you don't feel so lucky,
But I've seen so many things in you.
Believe me, I know just what you're going through.
So stand up and take a bow,
Hold your head high
Don't ever let them get you down.
It's all about you
And it's not what they do.
You're gonna smile sometimes,
Your worlds will collide.
I know you're tired of waiting,
So when you're through with hating,
You'll ba a much more beautiful person
And now you know. And now you know.

amazing. lol

I’m sort of doing this a bit for yesterday because I was out. I don’t really know why I’m writing, because nothing that interesting has happened lol, I just felt like it I spose.
Went to Quay West with Rose, Judy, Chloe and Beanie yesterday. It was alright but absolutely freezing, so we didn’t spend much time in the water, and no one wanted to go on any of the scary slides except me... lol. Then we went on some weird sawn boats, and these 2 essex girls (who were actually from Hackney “pepow are stupid daaaaaawn ere”) kept crashing into us, and the old lady person got really stressy.
Then.. it was best on the way back to Rose’s house, we were basically making weird noises at people out of the window, sounds kinda crap when I write it but at the time it was really funny. It’s amazing how annoyed people get about a noise.
Then.. Went to see the new Pirates Of The Caribbean film with mum, Hugh and John. John was in a bad mood that I think was my fault, but apart from that it was alright. I like the film, but it’s kinda sad.

Argh, I’m really depressed today. I know why but the reason is something people tell me is stupid whenever I tell them. I’m just really down about how I look. I know that I’m being shallow and stuff, but Judy being down really made me think about it, her and Rose and everyone are really really pretty, I’m just sick of feeling like the ugly one all the time, and the fat one. Someone called me fat on Friday, but then I said they were crap at throwing so I guess it’s fair. I’m trying to think about the good week and stuff, and I’m now thinking that I’m stupid, because I’ve gone back to being in a bad mood and pretty much nothing has happened.

Killers – Smile Like You Mean It

I really do. I'm being picky, I love the sun and everything, but it's BOILING. Lol . Today was kewl again, don't feel very well, but apart from that I'm still happy lol. Mike and Jesse went mad when Liverpool lost, I have to admitt that I don't care Some bad news tho. Kailee was in a crash last night!!!!!!! Someone went up the back of her car and she banged her head, apprently she was alright to start off with, but then she started getting dizzy and not being able to talk properly in the evening So she ended up spending the night in hospital. We all rang her and talked to her a bit, but she doesn't sound great, really un-Kaileeish So I'm worried about her. Alos Geena is telling me some more things, I actually think that I do believe her, but I don't know.. I can't say cause I said that I wouldn't. I still just.. I do really want to believe her, because I want to be able to help her thru this.. if it's really happening. But then, this is wayyyyy worse than pretending to be pregnant, so I don't think she'd actually do it. Lie, I mean. Spent time with Jo again today, she's really kewl. Our table ended up spending an hour talking about guys, and trying to gues who eachother fancied, she says that she doesn't fancy Ewan, which I don't belive. And like.. she kept saying that I like him, and yeah, I did, but then.. I dunno, we used to get on really well and everything, but he's gone wierd in the last few months. And then I ended up talking about lewis, and just generally having stupid conversations about porn. Lol. I like it tho. Not porn lol, just the funny conversations, means I don't think about my mum's depression and everything that's bad with John all the time. I mean, I am still worried about it, but for like.. the last 3 days, it hasn't been such a massive thing. Even tho my mum is being REALLY annoying. I made a joke about having no life, and then she starts asking if that is why I'm miserable, because I think I have no life. And then I had to convince her I was fine with the way that things are etc. And then when I sort of can't think of anything to say it's all "Am I annoying you?" And even tho my mind is screaming YES!!!!!!!!!!! I always have to be like "no". And then I feel guilty for thinking like that etc etc. Y'know, I need a swimming pool Quay West might be cancelled, which is a bit annoying. But then it's not, because we want Kailee to be able to go, but we don't know if she will, because she's hurt her neck and stuff aswell. And then Beanie said we could just re-arrange it, but the thing is Rose wanted to have it this weekend because Judy's down and stuff. Lol. I've sort of.. run out of things to say, lol. XxXxXx

3 days now and I'm still happy, this is getting scary
Just having the sun out seems to be doing my tons of good. It's so strange, I really haven't felt this great for ages.

Now, as for the title. I watches Sam sit in dog poo. And then he was like..ewww and stood up and then sat down somewhere else and put his hand in poo.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.
Ewww aswell. But the thing is I can't really go near him now, and I'm NEVER letting him hug me, because even tho he washed his hands and stuff it's still like.. ewww.
And then in science geena was away (i'm worried about her ) And so I worked with Jo and Jess. I know me and Jo laugh a lot whenever we're together but with Jess there in a mad mood asell it was well.. nuts seriously. Plus the fact our experiment thingy involved caffiene. I think it was a bit of a nightmare for our science teacher lol. And the teacher downstairs got really stressy with us. We had to go and find a teaspoon (fir the coffee) and we were only outside the door laughing for a while before we went in. I don't see why needing a teaspoon is such a crime. When we eventually did find one they asked us what it was for. Honestly, what do they think we're gunna do with it :S. They gave me a wierd look when I said it was for coffee tho .
So.. yeah, I wanna move into Jo's form now. And they said I always have to work with them in science from now on

Also, mum has her appointment at South Devon College today. She told me it's amazing there, and there's like.. a maximum for 10 kids per class, and seeing as there can be more than 30 at KEVICC that's pretty amazing. The classes are amazing, the college is amazing. Although he might have like.. to good abilities to go there, because he's doing GCSEs they aren't sure if the course is actually suitable. But the thing is he is really struggling with the GCSEs, so I think that he'd be wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy better off there.
But, anway, he's going in next week on Thursday because they aren't on half term. So like.. they're gunna asess his abilites and everything, and then I guess we find out what's going to happen.

Gill STILL hasn't had the baby. It's over a week late now =| They are going to do something to the neck of the womb if it hasn't come by the weekend tho. Heh, I can't waittt. I love babies.

Oh yeah, and one more thing to do with Sammie. I've been talking to someone that she used to talk to online and they met up and everything, Beckie says that she doesn't believe a word that Sammie says, and that after going to stay with her she knows none of it is true. And like.. Sammie made something up about her dad hitting her and stuff, and then admitted that that wasn't true. I knew that already tho, because Kaiden told me.
I just don't get someone being desperate enough to want to do that.

I guess I just don't understand. But with the fact that all she ever goes on about is trust and stuff.. it just makes Sammie seem such a hypocrite.

Hehe, this was longer than I meant it to be, I guess just doing this helps me work out how I feel about things and order my brain. I seriously depend on this thing now.
Is that wierd? Probably lol.

xxx

Lol, I love the sun. I think Maz is right, I have sesonal sensitivity disorder. I get the feeling she made it up. But then it might be real, I dunno. I'm just really happy this week so far, and it's all sunny and stuff.

Today has been.. kinda nothing happenning. Hmmm...
Actually, something scary happened in tech, I heard Felix talking and I heard my name and he wouldn't tell me what he said.. I get he was saying how hurrendously ugly and fat I am

I talked a bit to Geena again in the last couple of days. She still isn't that happy because Gavin is being horrible to her and has apprently cheated on her with Beckie. God, I dunno. But I actually don't hang around with anyone in that group that much, so at least all I'm hearing is Geena's story. That way it's easier to believe her.

AOL is annoying me. In the YT chats, you're allowed there up until you are 17. Sammie is 17 today and all the hosts know that. They aren't doing anything. OMG. Since when was she so special that it meant that she could stay on? Argh, I was looking forward today because I thought that would mean that she was gone and so like.. I could relax and wouldn't have to worry about her commenting on stuff I'm saying etc. It's annoying. I didn't say who I was talking about, but I e mailed AOL and asked what makes it ok for the rules to be bent for one person.

Ahh.. I'm in such a good mood today.
Apart from all the boring lesson stuff school was actually fun Had a water fight all over lunch time. Sam beat me (to start off with) And it's wierd. We hang around with Beanie and everyone every lunch time now. It's fun. Got Sam back after school tho . We were waiting for him and Rowan to come out of the Enlgish Block for AGES. But when he did me and Kailee SOAKED him.
Ahh.. fun. I'm in such a good mood lol.

This sorta stuff never used to happen when Robyn was here. Because she always seemed to get annoyed when I spoke to people that weren't her and Rose and stuff, but now Robyn's gone it's like.. freedom. I know that sounds corney but it is what it's like. I have met some really really kewl people this year, and it's all since she has gone. At the same time as being annoying, year 9 has actually been the best year. Because I kind of have friends now.

Anyway, I thought I'd put some more lyrics on, they have nothing to do with me, but this is a song that I always have on when I'm really happy lol.

Orson

No Tomorow

GlitzyGemzy
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Layout design by Pannasmontata Thu 6 Jul 2006
lyrics for "No Tomorow" By Orson

ORSON LYRICS

No Tomorrow

Let's go to a rave,
And behave like we're trippin'
Simply 'cause we're so in love.

Funny hats, shiny pants-
All we need for some romance,
Go get dolled-up
And I'll pick you up.

There's no line for you and me
'Cause tonight we're V.I.P.
(I know somebody at the door).

I see that twinkle in your eye,
You shake that ass and I just die,
Let's check our coats and move out to the floor.

When I'm dancing with you
Tomorrow doesn't matter.
Turn that music up
'Till the windows start to shatter
'Cause you're the only one who can get me on my feet.
And I can't even dance.

Just look at me, Silly Me,
I'm as happy as can be-
I got a girl who thinks I rock.
And tomorrow there's no school,
So lets go drink some more Red Bull,
And not get home 'till about 6:00.

When I'm dancing with you
Tomorrow doesn't matter.
Turn that music up
'Till the windows start to shatter
'Cause you're the only one who can get me on my feet.
And I can't even dance.

Everybody here is staring
At the outfit that you're wearing-
(I) Love it when they check you out.
Cover's only twenty bucks,
And even if the dj sucks
It's time to turn this mutha out!

When we're together
There's no tomorrow,
No Tomorrow.
When we're together
There's no one in the world
but you and me.
Just you and me.
You and me

Dad's was alright I guess. Standarly boring lol.
Mum is still bieng difficult tho, I don't know what to do, when someone says the only thing that they have worth something in their life is you it puts a lot of pressure on. It makes me feel guilty everytime I even have an opnion that's different from hers.
And there isn't anyone to talk to this evening, there really isn't. I just don't know what to do. I mean, I really do want to help, but when she says those sorts of things all it does is annoy me. And then it'll start to all the things she used to want to do and that. And like.. how she wants to move because that would help. And then next time I want to go out she'll make a massive thing out of it and get mad at me for actually having friends. I don't know what to say to it anymore. It's not fair that I alway have to do the sorting out. Argh, that's selfish. I just.. I have to be nice or she cries on me or something, but I haven't been happy this weekend and all she's done is get annoyed with me. She yelled at me just for saying "I wish..." about something, I don't even remember what. And dad said I was a drama queen. I don't remember why. Maybe I am. I probably am. But then what does he know? He see's me for a few hours every week or so. In some ways I'm actually glad it's school. I really want to get away from all of this for a fw hours. I don't know why, but being in this house just irritates me atm. I just don't know what to say to everybpdy anymore. And I'm not going to promise her that'll I'll never leave. She is practically asking me to sign my life over. I thought that we'd sorted this out. When she's like this she basically says I'm gunna become a slut who smokes and drinks and never goes to see her mum. IT'S SO ANNOYING.

God.. someone PLEASE get me out of here.

It's annoying me. Because (shock horror) I actually have some money, and was thinking about buying a skirt (more shock horror i know) But it keeps raining . And I hate shopping.. lol, so there are too many reasons to not bother .

Mum keeps being all wierd. She keeps asking me if me and her are still close, because I don't talk to her anymore or something. but the thing is, if I did talk to her all she'd do is ask me what she'd done wrong to make me how I am. So I don't really see the point in doing it, because me talking just makes her more upset. And then when I don't talk that's not ok either. Argh, it's driving me mad.
And in chatrooms everything I say is being copied and pasted to people, it's scaring me a bit now. Because like.. everyday I have an e mail form someone telling me I got that wrong and they didn't say that.. and when I mentioned it they weren't there. Like a couple of days, after commenting on everything that I say for a little while Soph went "oh why doesn't she just go die!?" And like.. when she'd gone i just said "god, i know she hates me, but that seems a bit harsh". It didn't bother me tho, because like.. Robyn used to say that kind of thing to me all the time lol. And Zoey told me that she felt bad for all the people that cared about me.. haha. I can't believe I let an 11 year old behind a computer screen get to me. I think that's why I'm loosing my temper so easily tho, I'm really really over sensative about EVERYTHING at the moment, and it's making me have a go at everyone whenever they say anything, even if they probably didn't mean it the way I took it. I think I even snapped at Rose yesterday . And the fact that someone that I talk to online has made me like this is annoying me aswell. This is absolutly because of Sammie. Literally, the last 2 months she has been getting at me for everything. I don't know why. I think I just have a talent for pissing people off. Which, at the same time as being kind of funny, is annoying. Cause like.. a lot of the time I don't know what I do. And someone keeps telling me that it's nothing to do with me how people react, and I haven't done anything. But be serious, I must be doing something, this has happened a lot of times. But with Zoe (different one from primary school) All I had to do was not hear something that she'd say and there would be a massive thing. In the end I have to admitt that I did try and wind her up, because it was funny. "No Lydia, you've done this to me to many times". I think that time it was because I was playing with a ruler.. hmmm..
thinkiing about all this stuff is kinda making me laugh now. I really do piss people off. I said this to Josh the other day, and he said he would pay me to wind up old ladies Ahh well, he isn't exactly sane .

Gill still hasn't had her baby. It was due this week. I was hoping I'd have a baby to go and see this weekend.. lol. Is it 2 weeks over they leave it before they do something? I don't know. I think she's scared that the same thing wil happen with her as happened with her sister. I think her sister was in labor for like.. 32 hours or something before the hospital actually did anything. that seems kind of mean. Maybe docters enjoy seeing people in pain. I might have said some of the wrong words. God, it's a good thing that I'm taking child development etc. Because I actually really don't know much .

And.. oh yeah, good news maybe. At South Devon College mum may have found an amazing course for John. That is, if it is as good as it looks on paper. They have this purpose built flat, and a special kitchen, so as well as getting a qualification, he'd be getting life skills, it's amazing. They have small groups aswell, and try and focus of the individual, which is what KEVICC don't do. And the woman obviously knows what she's talking about. Because she actually said to us don't bring John to the open evening (there's one of Monday) Because it will be really busy. (one of the problems with his special needs is that he isn't good with big crowds or people, and someone knowing that gave us more confidence.he isn't so bad about that kinda thing anymore tho) But when he first went to KEVICC he wasn't eating his lunch because they had stuck him in the canteen, and he couldn't cope with the amount of people that were in there. It turns out there was another place that he could go, but the school didn't even tell us about it.
i know this sounds dumb, it just gets me excitied because someone really might help us. Mum has an oppointment thingy next week aswell, which is kewl.
I went on the website, cause I was hoping there'd be a link to show all the stuff we have in the booklet, but it just says a teeny bit. But they help him find work aswell, and he can do work experience within the college (shop, kitchens etc) So they will always be keeping an eye on him, and he'll have help. And plus everyone would love him, cause.. everyone always does. Lol.
And there are 2 one year courses he could go on. So it's all.. if things work out, going to work.

I hope.

Today has been aright I guess. The guy in my brain would have left today. Which is a good thing at the same time as being annoying.

I made karly cry today . It was an accident. She just annoyed me SO MUCH. She tries to be in a bad mood all the time, and then when we make her laugh it's really ovious she's trying not to laugh because she thinks being miserable is some statment or something .
And while she is doing this she also critisised EVERYTHING that i do. So whatever I say is stupid or she'll take the piss and look over to see if the chavs are watching because she wants to think that being a twat is kewl. They're never even watchi9ng because they DON'T LIKE HER. So.. yeah, I told her if I was such a massive problem why didn't she just go away and leave me alone.
I know I have to not keep doing this and yelling at people and stuff, I'm just even more.. sensetive to everything atm. It seems like everyone is having a go at me, when they actually probably aren't meaning to.
Cept with karly I know that she's doing it on purpose. And then she cires so that everyone will think that I'm mean. But now they don't, She does this kind thing so many times a week/day no one cares anymore.

Why do some people think that being miserable all the time makes them kewl? I think she thinks that it makes her seem like a really complicated person or something.
She isn't. She's a bratt who thinks her friends are good enough for her.

AND Sammie is pissing me off. She keeps going "rolls eyes" at everything that I say. it's hard not to just say how many people that I know of that hate her.

I'm so nice.

Anyway, another song that links with something in a way.

Linkin Park

In Peices

telling me to go
but hands beg me to stay
your lips say that you love
you eyes say that you hate

there's truth in your lies
doubt in your faith
what you build you lay to waste
there's truth in your lies
doubt in your faith
all i've got's what you didn't take

so i/ i won't be the one
be the one to leave this
in pieces
and you/ you will be alone
alone with all your secrets
and regrets
don't lie

you promise me the sky
then toss me like a stone
you wrap me in your amra
and chill me to the bone

there's truth in your lies
doubt in your faith
what you build you lay to waste
there's truth in your lies
doubt in your faith
all i've got's what you didn't take

so i/ i won't be the one
be the one to leave this
in pieces
and you/ you will be alone
alone with all your secrets
and regrets
don't lie

so i/ i won't be the one
be the one to leave this
in pieces
and you/ you will be alone
alone with all your secrets
and regrets
don't lie

i think it's my new favourite.. lol

Weird day. I couldn’t speak to Geena in the beginning.
She’s told me a completely different story from the one everyone else is telling me.
She says that she lost the baby because of stress. And that her and Gavin are together but he’s being horrible to her because he says that she’s lying when she isn’t.
Thing is someone told me she’s pulled something like this before.
I really like her still tho, and when we did eventually get talking it was like it was, me and her still getting on really great. But now when we’re talking my mind is being annoying, stamping the fact that I don’t trust her anymore into my mind.
I know this isn’t seriously, but for me it.. well.. sucks. I don’t get good friendships much, and I hardly ever meet people that I can talk to and am comfortable with, I dunno why, it’s just how I am. And the thing is that as I got to know her better I was really starting to feel really comfortable, and I started talking to her about everything. I want to say that I only have doubts about her that I can fix. But I 100% don’t trust her even tho I really want to trust her. So I don’t know. I can speak to her now and after talking to a while an hour was like.. gone.. and we hadn’t done any maths. Lol.

And then I have this boy in my brain and it’s getting on my nerves. But he’s in year 11 and they leave tomorrow (tho I doubt I’ll see him, they’re going to woodlands) and the fact that I’m not going to see him anymore is annoying.

And.. yeah, I guess that’s it.

It’s BOILING here today, seriously.

Gareth is gunna bring me back a t-shirt from download. Even tho I’ve never spoken to him I like him lol. Well… I have spoken to him, but only when my mum is there an I can say something about what they are talking about.

I have a song you all need to hear aswell lol, I would try and get the video off youtube or something, but I don’t know how to do it or anything.

So.. yeah Hands Held High by Linkin Park. Actually.. y’know what? Get the album.

Oh god.. drama was awful today. We had to do like.. exaggerated movements and stuff and it was all drawing attention to myself things that I hate, and then even mopre attention gets drawn to you when you try and not do it because you’re getting yelled it.
I can’t believe mr mason ditched out group. And I actually had some.. respect for him even after the whole john thing.

Ahh well..

Tonight is one of those weird nights. I spose I’m not exactly sad, just.. not ok.
I went to that fashion show with Rose, it was really depressing. Full of pretty skinny people who look nice in everything.

And I’m annoyed with myself. I mentioned earlier in the week that I was worried about something but I wouldn’t say because it was to do with someone else.
Well… it turned out that person was lying. Geena. She told me last week that she was pregnant. She isn’t. And her and Gavin a probably over. I don’t get it tho, why do that? I have been really worried all week, because I didn’t know what was going to happen, it makes me wonder if anything that she has told me is actually true. And then when she’s next at school I’m gunna have to be nice. I hate that she did that, I really liked her and trusted her. She’s told me a lot of things, and I always believed her.
I don’t know why I trust people. I REALLY don’t. All they do is let me down.
I hate it.

And I had another massive argument with Sammie last night and lost most of my online friends. Someone was bitching about me at the same time as saying sorry. I know it’s stupid, I just really like… valued them as friends, and so now that they’re gone (well, I told them that I wasn’t having anything else to do with them) I’m kind of upset. And Sammie basically said that everything I was saying wasn’t true. But I know I wasn’t making it up. I KNOW.

John might be going to South Devon College. Mum rang up Bidwell Brook about their six form, and they did the same thing as everyone else. Basically were crap.

Even tho I’m not… I feel really on my own tonight.

Today was ok. I’m still in a pretty good mood even tho we have to go to this Tuesday night thing today. Hopefully it’ll be ok. I have Linkin Park-In Pieces on. It might be my new favourite lol. I don’t really know what to say at this second, which is weird, because I have a lot of things I suppose I want to say.

I think I’m going to blame it on the song. It’s one of those ones that you relate to in a different way, like.. he probably meant it to do with an ex, but for me it’s to do with someone I stopped being friends with. Finally got rid of Sammie lol. She annoyed me and I got sick of it. But she did show me something, something that I probably should have known already. I shouldn’t let people get to know me. Because when they know me they know how to get to me, and it isn’t worth it.

Well, when mum tried to talk to dad about the fact that all of these things with John aren’t just going away he got mad, and then he was stressy for a while. I don’t know exactly what happened tho, because I know that John is picking up on all the things happening being to do with him. So I went and hyperfied him so he hopefully wasn’t thinking about it.

Today…. Well, I kind of stuck up for myself in PE. I said about it a while ago, all the bitches in my PE group. Well, today one of them, Daisy, was REALLY annoying me. And when she was stood next to Sian I threw the ball and it hit her, but that time she didn’t know that it was me, and I was meant to be throwing the ball the Sian, so it wasn’t my fault that she was stood in the way.
Second time... Well, she’d been having a go at the way I was throwing the ball for a while and I was getting more and more pissed off. And after about 40 minutes I threw the ball in her face and told her that she could do it then. Apparently it hit her. I’ve got no idea why she made such a big thing out of it, because it was only a tennis ball, and I didn’t throw it that hard. At least… I don’t think that I did. Daisy got really pissed off with me then. And she was really moody for the rest of the lesson, and the funny thing is, she tried to throw it at me, but I saw it coming lol. She missed by MILES, and then the teacher said that they would have to send her out if she did that again, because it was foul play. Hahahahahahahahahahaa, is all I can say XD. And then her crap group asked me what I was laughing about, but more than just me was laughing, so I didn’t bother with an answer. I’m kinda surprised tho. Because in my head I think I’m gunna snap, but then I don’t actually do anything. I hope it hit her hard. No I don’t. Oh god, who cares? I am a bitch, but I hope it hit her hard and I hope it hurt. She deserves it. I don’t see why I should have to be nice to her when all the does is be a bitch. I heard myself being called a bitch and stuff, but I was round a corner, so they didn’t know I was there. But I don’t care, I just thought “if I’m a bitch Daisy.. what does that make you?”. I’m sick of being all give with people, and then treat me like shit in return. So yeah, the tennis ball way begins .

And what else today? Oh yeah, mum brought me the new Linkin Park Album wooooooooooooo. It’s amazing. I was supposed to be deciding between Mike and Josh’s favourite songs, but my favourite ones are different.
Given Up. That’s mine. It’s AMAZING!! Seriously. If any of you get the album, number 2.

Linkin Park

Given Up

Wake in a sweat again
Another day’s been laid to waste
In my disgrace
Stuck in my head again
Feels like I’ll never leave this place
There’s no escape
I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

I don’t know what to take
Thought I was focused but I’m scared
I’m not prepared
I hyperventilate
Looking for help somewhere
And no one cares

I’m my own worst enemy

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

Put me out of my misery

I’ve given up
I’m sick of feeling
Is there nothing you can say
Take this all away
I’m suffocating
Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me

As I said. AMAZING.

Good question, and one that my mum actuallly asked me today.
It looks like her and Hugh are heading towards another "breakup". I.e, have a day when we all finally think yay it's over, and them he turns up again in the evening and everyone starts acting like everything is fine .
I caught her crying this morning aswell and it was partly my fault, because I got annoyed with her, but it wasn't exactly just my fault, because I didn't know about any of the stuff that had happened last night at that point.
Basically Hugh wants to go away but my mum doesn't want to, because as she put it there is "something wrong with his brain". I was going to point out that it's normally called being a twat but I decided not to. But the thing is she works for Hugh, and if they broke up then we might not have any money, but that does sound like a bit of a stupid reason to stay with someone.

I've must do something tho, because both the people that my mum and dad are with hate my guts. I was nice to Hugh to start off with, so I don't know what I did there, and I haven't ever actually yelled at Mandy so god knows what she's got against me.
Mum is making me more mad at Mandy, cause like.. well, I spose someone else pointing out the things I thought I had just made up is making me pretty angry. She has completly turned dad into some kind of lap dog, and as my mum keeps pointing out, she's the one that's making dad not so interested in seeing us .

Hugh just e mailed me asking me to come off the internet so mum could call him. I don't know.. I might stay on for a while because if they talk they'll argue down the phone and then mum will be upset but I'll still have to go to dad's. Argh. I should be staying here to make sure that things are ok. And I don't think that I'm actually going to be able to say anything to my dad about everything I was thinking yesterday.

And things with John are still getting worse. We just need help but there isn't any, we need him to be going to a good school and have people that actually understand. Cause the thing is, no one really sees what we do, so they don't actually know about how he really is.
The TA even said that the grades that John has been predicted with are really unlikely. But the TA is crap. He doesn't actually do his job because nothing for JOhn is ever organised. John never knows what he's doing/ where he should be going etc.

I wish I could sort all of these stupid things out but I really can't. All I can do is tell my mum that it's going to be ok when it really obviously isn't. What the hell are we going to do when John gets his results back? What's gunna happen when mum and dad fall out?
And.. I'm not putting up with Hugh much longer. But then what exactly am I gunna do? Well, I had an idea, but I don't think it would work and I spose it's kind of dangerous.
But, if i did try and wind him up enough to punch me or something then I know that my mum would dump him.
But that would really hurt her and then we would have to ask dad for more.
But at least Hugh would be gone..

Hmmm..

I have just had an amazing idea full of genius!!!!!
Well, if it works it will be anyway.
I'm hoping to make my dad feel bad about not taking John out and stuff, but like.. without actually talking about dad's lack of well.. dadding.
I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this face to face tho, because I'm not very good at talking to him. But, I do know for a fact that he has AOL, so we could IM maybe, but then again, I'm not sure if him and Mandy share an account and I fully don't trust her.

Anyway, I'm gunna talk about "bloke time" Because like.. everyone seems to love it. I'm always seeing dad's out with their son's playing football and that kinda stuff, and the thing is, seeing as Hugh is a twat, John doesn't get that. I don't know if I'll actually say that tho, because then what i was doing owuld be kind of obvious. Argh, how am I going to do this? I just don't know how much more I want to know about all the crap that my dad has done. But I'm not exactly going to tell my mum to shut up, because then she would't have anyone to talk about stuff with and that would suck. or she might talk to Hugh and then I'll get the horirble comments (i.e "ha, he wouldn't notice if Rose went instead of you." no, I'm never going to forget that.)
ANYWAY! How am I going to do this? Because I have to, Mum isn't, and that means that all she is going to do is bitch because apprently he should be offering to do it. I don't knowwwww. Argh, this is upsetting me now, because when I have to try an dwork things like this out, I suddenly realise how little I actually know him. Now I'm just getting mad with myself .
Maybe I need to think this thru a but more..
Why should I have to do it anyway? Because I dunno, I guess I'm thinking that he won't get mad with me, but you never know, and I don't want to make him feel crap.

God.. this seemed like such a good idea a minute ago.

But I have to do SOMETHING.

Why do I have to obsess about stupid little things?

my radio crackles when I lean back on my chair..

Anyway, there'll probably be anoyther entry that I was trying not to do lol.

xxx

I'm in a really good moood today, althought somehow I just managed to delete eveything that I wrote. Ahh well.
I talked to Rose a bit about some of the stuff, because I was pretty upset this morning still, and it's wierd, but today, she seemed to like.. wanna talk, and when I started talking she started talking about her stuff. And that is really good.. cause, I dunno, Mum talks to Sophie sometimes, and I spose I wonder a lot if she doesn't think that I'm good enough to talk to.. cause she doesn't normally talk to me about stuff. So.. yeah, that made me feel pretty kewl.

And now? Well, actually, a lot of it is down to Mike and the nutty conversation we're talking about. I have found out that he dressed up as Princess Jasmine as a kid.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
That was what his mum told his ex the first time he brought her home, ahh.. well, it is pretty funny.
And now we're talking about Pokémon (haha I can do é now XD)
Ahh god.. anyway, I'm gunna go before cause I'm laughing a bit to much at that idea now

hahahah

XxXxX

Last night was kind of hard. Mum started slagging off dad, because he doesn't do anything. And it's true, he doesn't do anything. He's letting us struggle money-wise and won't ever help with John. he never offers to let him go over on his day off, and whenever mum starts talking about that kind of thing he always "has to go".
I hate it. Because after getting told all these crap things he's done, I still have to be able to talk to him without yelling at him and ask him why he is such a useless arse hole. But I can't do that. I don't do stuff like that, cause that's who I am.
And Sammie keeps IMing me. I can't help her anymore. I don't want her to be telling me she self harmed because I wasn't doing enough, I don't want her to be telling me she wants to die. I just want her to LEAVE ME ALONE.
And my friend is in a mess. Geena. I can't say because I promised that I wouldn't but I'm really worried about her, I seriously don't know that is going to happen. So sammie telling me all of this stuff right now is SO not helping.

Argh. This is stupid.

I want to hate my dad for all of this, but I can't cause.. he's my dad.

I want to stop all this. And I know.. ARGH. I don't want all these things in my head again, because I'm refusing to let it become a problem.

Yeah. Today the SATs were worse. I think a part of my brain is missing. I'm suprised I can even count.

And john has failed one of his maths GSCE modules. Which is making my mum upset because she thinks that she should have done more, when we actually couldn't, because until a few months ago, we thought everything was going really well. When it really isn't.
He got a U. And like.. I dunno, he wanted to do A levels, and this doesn;t neccisarily mean that he can't, it's just.. well this is SO stressful, and those would be 10 times worse. And we're gunna loose loads of benefits and stuff when he doesn't go to school anymore.
AND now he's got this being an actor thing in his mind that just.. complicates things even more. Just.. no one gets that he is always gunna need someone looking out for him. And like, he is good, seriously, he's funny and he got a few laughs last night.. but acting school?
Mum says it's not gunna happen Cause you have to be able to do serious stuff aswell, and that's definatly going to be a problem. Just.. everything. Mum is all..stressed, and keeps getting really bad pains and STILL hasn't gone to the docter about anything (yeah, not just the pains). And then like.. I dunno. I spose I feel a bit.. sick of everything. Because no matter what I do I'm never going to solve the problems with John, I'm never gunna be able to make my mum happy. I'm just not.. enough. I'm not even vagely close. And then there is this stupid person in the chatroom trying to get attention by saying that they are depressed (I mentioned that today had been depressing). And then ARGH. I hate people.

So.. yeah, the main thing. The stupid thoughts. It's nothing really bad, I've just only thought of that kind of thing once before and it's annoying me that it's in my head again. Cause things aren't bad, and I'd hate myself if I left. Just.. I'm spose I'm just dying to be enough for someone. can you even have that? I don't know.
But I would never actually do the whole running away thing. I'd hate myself.
I spose I just wanna get away.
BUT, everything would still be going round in my mind.. so what would be the point?
OK. This is now being shoved to the back on my mind..

The SATs today were ok. The science 1 was a bit easier and 2. 2 was pretty much impossibe.
And that was on the lower paper.
And.. yeah, I'm doing all lower papers. I know that that is a good thing, because then I'm sposed to be able to do it. I'm being such and idiot tonight.

Went to see John and a few other groups do they're GSCE peices tonight. John's group was the best, and I'm not biast, the clap for them was sooooooo much louder than the one for everyone else. And there wasanother really good group, and that was with one of them having glandular fever.

So.. this has led me to being how I feel now. Pretty.. useless. I'm happy for them and stuff, I guess just seeing all of them do all this really kewl stuff reminds how stupid and pointless that I am. And there's just.. nothing that I do. AND I look awful. Stupid rain. it's made my hair go all frizzy.. lol.

Stomach killing me.. chips were nice tho

Argh.. have to straighten hair.

Blokes have it sooooo easy

argh.. i'm tired

AND OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!!

Maths SATs tomorow

Wish me luck

xxx

I'm sposed to be revising science. I don't know why I'm bothering because I'm oretty certain that tomorow is going to be a complete disaster.
Yes, the time has come (ahh) I have my first 2 SATs tests tomorow . Science 1&2. Argh, nightmare. And because of the stupid bird in my ceiling I'vr barely slept the last couple of nights. And that, I guess, if why I can't be bothered to do a load of reading. Which, leaves me with the website games. I ended up going on them yesterday at dad's to do english revision, and I knew some off the answers to the questions. So I spose that's a good thing.

Today was actually pretty good. Mum was ok for once and we went and spent her birthday vouchers and had coffee in M&S. I like it there, and she brought me some kewl body spray .

John is home now tho, and once again, moody for no reason. And it's wierd, because he is doing the critisising thing with mum that he usually does with me. she shouted at him. If I'd have done that she would have started screaming at me, so haha is all that I can say. I said to her "I told you it was annoying."
She didn't answer.

Also, hahahaha, it rained on the maypolers. I didn't go and watch, the funny thing is I was actually in it one year, when I was about 9 or 10. I don't remeber if it was me and Lara that had wanted to do it, but I do remember that there was one dance thingy the group didn't end up doing, because, tbh, we were crap.
Ahh well.

Oh yeah, and I remember one bright spot from "church" yesterday. A little kid asked me what a prostitute was.
His mum goes "I'll tell you later dear"

Ahh well.. made me laugh anyway.

xxx

I know that I have had a bit of a moan about this before, but after this morning this whole thing is annoying me again so I figured I'd write about it anyway.
Basically I went to a church group thing this morning.
Well, I didn't really want to but Mum would have made me feel all guilty if I hadn't of gone and I really can't be bothered with the argument right now.
I already go to this Tuesday night thing because she wants me to. That is ok because we have about an hour afterwards where we can muck around and just be generally stupid. The main problem with the Tuesday thing is that no one will leave me alone when they're actually trying to teach us something. I'm really self concious anyway, and it makes it 10 times worse when everyone is going on at me to sing and join in more. I just want them to leave me alone to watch.
And now I think I have to go on a Sunday aswell, cause Mum enjoyed herself. John will make a fuss about going, cause he wants to go back to the old church we went to. (that was worse, I was basiclally on my own all the time because of my general crapness at making friends).

If I'm going to have a religion I want it to be because I want to, not cause I'm getting guilt tripped into it.
And there's the selfish part of me, doing something all morning that I'm not enjoying then coming home for 5 minutes aand then getting dragged of to dad's.
Which is what is happening now.
God today is going to be crappy.

Anyway, better go.

xxx

Mum seems to be pretty happy today cayse we've been at Fermoy's all mornng sorting out garden stuff and having coffee. She's started to have really bad stomach pains tho, which is worrying. But I'm making her go to the docter if they aren't gone by Tuesday, and if she doesn't ring and make herself and appoinment, I will.

I feel kinda of wierd. I know that isn't unusual, I guess something just came into my head when I was watching this family when we were un fermoy's. And I know that it is stupid, and that I should block it out of my head, but it's kind of really bothering me now.
First of all I thoght.. I wonder what that's like.
Which sounds PATHETIC. And I have no idea why it was in my head because I don't really care about the fact that they aren't togther, cause like.. is they were then all they would be doing is making eachother miserable. So what would be the point? I don't know why seeing a Mum, Dad and 2 kids should make me feel wierd. It shouldn't when I don't actually care about it anyway.
Then.. I guess I started to think about them not being together, and the fact that tey broke up pretty soon after I was born. And the fact that my mum first got really depresed after I was born.

God. I need to get this out of my head. I don't know why I'm thinking about it. I hope it's not my fault.
But it might be.

ARGH.

I don't care about it.

So why do I feel all stupid?

I think I'm gunna do some other people's blog reading. Cause I haven't done any for a few days.

xxx

Argh revision. I hate it, but I’m forcing myself to do in the hope that it means I won’t worry so much. Division. Urgh. It’s impossible. And annoying. I hate whoever invented it. I’m sure we’d be fine without it. Or, if we wouldn’t, then we should leave it to the people that can actually do it rather than making the dumb people (i.e me) struggle.
Ok, maths has annoyed me and I’m sick to death of Richard III so.. Science.
Godddd. And I had a French test today I had forgotten about. I seriously think that is pretty mean considering all the other revising I haven’t been doing. I guess I kind od can’t be botherd with it, seeing as it would be pretty obvious that I’m going to fail them all anyway. AND next week has been made even worse. Am gunna have to take in painkillers and stuff else I think I might die half way thru the exam. Lol, or cry when I realise that I can’t do any of it.
No. I won’t do that.
Why do they make us so stressed anyway? Surely if it wasn’t a big thing they wouldn’t make us worry so much. Maybe they think that me being worried means that I’ll push myself or something. Well.. not exactly working seeing as this is only the second lot of proper revision that I’ve done.

Also Rose gave me that letter from Robyn today. It irritated me.
Actually, to say it annoyed me is an understatment, it made me SERIOUSLY mad. One of the things she has said was “we need to sort out whatever this is about”
OMG. She knows perfectly well what it is about.
She also said “I’m willing to forget this whole thing.” And she also seems to think that I’m desperate to be friends with her. Which I’m not.
I’m really not. I’m still having to worry about what she is saying, but.. I dunno. I guess I’m not panicking enough to speak to her. And anyway, I have another thing that I’m worried about anyway.

Monday.
John has to go to school (haha) because him and his drama group are using the extra day to rehearse their GCSE piece. I mean, I guess I’d normally love this cause it means that me and mum get time to ourselves and stuff.
But…
Well, what if she is having one of her really really bad days?
She’s just gunna yell at me all day long and make me feel really terrible. I mean, I guess it isn’t her fault, but it isn’t mine either and I know I sound like a bitch but however bad she feels she really can’t blame it on me. It’s not fair

Now I really don’t feel like revising.
I mean, I know that I have stupid problems, and I know that they aren’t massive.
I guess I just worry about everything.

I'm actually in a pretty good mood, which is nice. Tho I've had a bit of an annoying day because of Robyn. Well, it made me really worried for a while, and I'm still worried about it, I guess it's just nicer being at home, especially as my mum hasn't done anything Hulk-esk yet.
Anyway
Basically Robyn told Ime that this whole thing is her fault!!!!!!! OMG. It's not Ime's fault at all and I can'y believe that Robyn would say that to her, and Ime thoght that I hated her. But I told her it reallt wasn't because of her, and then gace her a hug, so hopefully things are ok, cause I feel bad. Ime shouldn't have been made to feel crap.

And then I forgot to go and find out from John at lunch if he drama after school. So then it was annoying because we had to look around for him after school for ages, and then when it looked like he must have drama I went and met mum at the train station, but then we had to drive back to school anyway because we didn't know what time te drama finished so it was difficult to go and pick him up. School is really creepy when there is no one there. In the end I found this guy that I recognised from when we pick John up and I was annoying and scary (cause I don't know him and I just had to ask about John lol, and this guy is actually pretty scary anyway) He looked a bit surprised but he was nice about it and didn't tell me to get lost or anything which was kewl.
So.. yeah, sorted that.
Buttt, I also forgot to pay in my money for activities week. I hope that doesn't mean that I have lost my activities, I'm sure there is another date that we can pay in, cause it isn't really my fault, my morning was all mixed up cause I had loads of english revision stuff for SATs. All the school are doing is making me panic.

So, yeah, my mock results:

English- (i don't remember what I got for reading lol)
Writing 1- 21/30 - not too bad but Rose did better.
Writing 2- 16/20 - again, better than it hoguht I'd get, but still not as good as Rose.
Maths- (I missed paper 1, it was when we were at the Discovery Centre)
Paper 2, Calculator- 35 and a half (dunno what out of).
Mental- 16/30 - that one is my worst, I HATE the mental test, y'know; the one with the tape.
I haven't done a science one =S

Sorry, I know all that is kind of boring, I guess just writing down the stuff that I did better in than I thought I would is like.. nice. If you see what I mean.

And things are better with Sammie. I guess I basically have to do whatever she wants and it's ok. Which isn't so bad, it's better than having her how she was.

Even tho stuff has happened I guess I don't really wanna write.
Basically I had a go at John today because him started being miserable because.. well.. I don't know why. And then I could see him going into critisise everything that Lydia says mode, so I snapped. Then Mum started yelling. A lot. Saying that she was going to go off somewhere and not come back and stuff.
I went and locked myself in the loo and put my hands over my ears. If I pressed really hard it did work a block everything out.. lol.
And now Sammie's upset me. She was being mean about Chlo. And then when I said that that wasn't fair of her she said that she was just gunna stop saying how she felt, which upset me. And then all she has said in the last couple of days is how uesless I'm being.
It's not my fault. I said that..

What I wish I'd said:

I'm me
nothing else
just..
me.
And if that isn't enough for you..
what's the point?
because
I'm sick of being blamed
for everything that
goes wrong
by
her
mum
john
robyn.

bye.

Lol, yeah, another hate. Everything that I see atm is making me feel like crap about how I look at the moment. I'm fat, I'm ugly.. just ARGH. And then when I say stuff people say that how you look doesn't matter.
But.. if it really didn't matter why is it bothering me so much?
And like.. that stupid magazine cover. Going on about wieghts and stuff, and then that programme. Argh. Just everything. And then all my friends are really pretty and always look really nice and I'm just.. argh. I look TERRIBLE all the time. So.. I feel crap about that.

Mum seems a bit better today tho, which is good. I know it's just cause it'a been an ok day, nothing will magically go away. I haven't mentioned going to the docters again. She says that being on pills doesn't slove anything. If it looks like it's going to get like it did last time then she is going. And that is all that I'm gunna say. She doesn't need that to happen, there's too much else going on, and, as I expect that I've said, I can't take it again. But lol, she shares my hate of councellers so I guess her going to the docters just isn't going to happen. Hugh isn't here tonight, which I guess is a good thing, because he just gets mad at her. I did to start off with aswell, because of the going on about how everything in her ife is crap. But like.. yeah, we ended up talking about that and she promised that she doesn't mean me. have I written this already? I don't remember. I got to talk to someone about it a bit yesterday, and someone gave me a really sweet reply on the messgage boards. I spose it just isn't easy to talk about. It sounds like I'm being horrible and selfish about it all. I'm really not meaning to be, and I really do want to help, I just don't know how. She shouldn't have to be feeling like she is. And there is a part of me that kind of knows that tbh it is partly my fault for being like I am. I'm trying really hard I'm just not good at being normal about anything. I know that I'm causing her extra worrying as well. Godddd, I just don't do anything to help anyone. I'm going on about me, when all this serious stuff could happen again and I don't want it to. But.. I'm saying how I don't want it to happen when it can't exactly have been great for my mum either. But the thing is that time I don't know that it was really my fault because she didn't tell me. I didn't know for a really long time that she was depressed, as I was only about 10 when it last got really bad. I guess I've just been more aware since then.
I can't help her, or me. And i'm feeling selfish cause I feel on my own aswell. I just want someone to understand, I guess I wish the impossible - someone just knowing how I feel without me having to tell them. But then I gues everyone probably wishes that. It'd be nice tho, maybe even just someone that.. Hmm.. But then I feel horrible for thinking that, so.. I don't know. I can't even think stuff without feeling bad.
And mum is going on that we all need a holiday. HA. Is all that I can say, It'll be stressful because Hugh will be there all the time, and he'll uset Johhn every 5 seconds, and then I stop speaking to anyone because I don't really feel like joining in with all their stupid stuff and pretending that things are ok. This is stupid. I'm actually saying that I hate holidays. But it isn't my fault. I don't even have the internet when I'm away, so the only escape is my own head. And even that is being pretty useless now. I just hate reality. I hate me. I really do absolutly loathe everything about me. And people say stuff about low self esteem, but it's not that. if I wasn't me I'd be fine. I've said that loads tho. And like.. even now, I can't really say much in chatrooms anymore either, whenever I talk to someone it has to be in IM. And even then, if I say I'm ok in chat and then start complaning in Im it just sounds like I'm attention seeking. It's just.. I didn't have anyone to talk to, and so I guess I just thoguht I'd be truthful and say no when somone asked me if I was ok. And then Sammie just goes "anyone in here that can actually move should be THANKFULL". God, I don't want some competition, I'm just saying how I'm feeling. another example was last night, we were talking about hosts with a few other people, and I just said " I miss HP " And then it got her started on how she actually misses her more because HP is more important to her and blah blah BLAH. GOD. I didn't say I missed her more than she did. With her it's like everything that I say is a competition. I feel crap, everything with her has to be worse. I miss someone, she obviously misses them more because she has a more in depth relationship with them.
It's driving me nuts. And then she starts when someone does something like it to her how she never does that "never says that she has it worse" is nevr "mean to someone just because she us unhappy" and all that. And I just have to agree even tho I'm thinking err..
It's like having an online Robyn.
Argh, speaking of which, apprently she has written me a letter which Rose has. I think Rose wants me to make up with her, because when I said that I didn't want anything to do with Robyn Rose sounded kinda pissed off. But I just can't be bothered anymore. I don't want everyone to be able to make me feel like this. I'm always like.. I dunno, I'm sure I never use to have such a short temper.. lol.

I guess it just seems like every hates me.

Then.. I spose I have to work out what I'm doing.
Because this happens a lot really, so I must be doing something. Hope I work out what soon..