Angst? Me? Never.

Ok. Tbh, I'm TECHNIACALLY meant to be revising Richard III butttt I can't get past the first sentance of all the Bitesize stuff. So I thought I'd write about the stuff that has pissed me off today instead.

Abie, Chloe, Daisy. (And now the rest of my PE class). They ALL think that they are better than us for NO GOOD REASON. God, I feel self concious in PE anyway, but with them being there yelling at us, commenting, calling us fat and just generally being complete bitches it just makes everything 10 times worse. And the thing is the teacher doesn't do ANYTHING. She hears every single catty comment that they make but I think she is scared of them or something. I did say something to one of them today and she looked kind of shocked but didn't say anything.

I don't think I'm gunna go to PE anymore. Well.. I'll probably end up going cause I'm stupid, I just don't feel like I can put up with it now. I know it sounds lame but like.. When I feel really crap (eg:this morning) it kind of takes a lot to sort of.. make myself ok to go to school and be normal and everything, and it's like.. I@m trying but they are still treating me like shit.

I don't understand what makes them so much "better". I hate popular people. God knows why they're popular, they aren't nice. They're bitches. And that's the thing, they pretty much know that we can't be arsed with causing problems for ourselves and so they know we won't stick up for ourselves. I want to. I guess I just don't know what to say and I don't think if I really feel like having some massive battle type thingy with them. Because then I come home and mum is in a stress and we just end up arguing all the time. Then I feel even worse than I did in the first place.

Not going to PE seems the only option. But them, it'll upset my mum if i get in trouble for that.

ARGH.

Once again, the age old question.

What the hell did I do wrong anyway?

I think I was talking about the sort of thing AGES ago on here, but it's still annoying me.
Why does it have to be so boring?
I mean.. We have to do an SAT test on it, they could have at least chosen something good.
Richard 3 is SO BORING. The film is boring. The drama stuff is boring. The book is boring. The revision is boring.
BORING BORING BORING!!!
I bet they do it on purpose.. lol.
I have Fall Out Boy on waking me up. But I have tro do more tomorow. And I have a whole science revision book to learn. And maths? haven't thought about it yet.. lol.

God, this is only SATs..

I was trying to be strict with myself and only do one entry today, but things that annoy me/ worry me keep happening, so I gave in and decided to write.

Hugh and mm are having another fall out. It's a stupid thing really. Basically, for her birthday, Hugh is gunna get her this bike. And we're gunna go and get it today. And like.. she just rang him to say when was ok for us to go and he got in a stress. Apprently he wanted to run to Paington (where my DIDN'T want to ger the bike) And then meet us at the bike shop, and then run home.
But.. Mum doesn't know where the bike shop is, so she asked Hugh if he could come here and then run back. And he made a fuss about that and said it meant that he would only get "half his running time" and that it was juet a waste of time. Selfish twat.
So then.. Mum says could he tell her where it was and then we could meet him there.
Then he just got annoyed and said he would come here and Mum was being difficult.
How?
I'm pissed off
And if they argue.. I might snap.

Maybe I could get him to thump me.. then maybe she would dump him.

But the thing is.. If I got started, then I wouldn't stop. Every single thing in my head would come out. All the hate and stuff.
I don't know if that's a good idea.
But then.. maybe he would realise was a horrible person he is and leave.

But then Mum might feel worse and hate me.

I wish I wasn't here.
I wish I could just tell her that I wasn't going to come but then there will be nobody to stick up for her if he starts.
Tho I'm pretty sure she'll be the one that will start it.

I have to try and stop thinking about this.
Ended up being sick last time.
Cause everything bad is all in my head.

I hate the way their shitty relationship effects everybody..

Just shouted at John. I don't actually feel bad because he really deserved it. He's been being horribe to me all morning because he's woken up in a bad mood. Well I'm not happy either. I know that I have to make allowances and everything, but like.. I don't see why I have to be ok with everyone and go along with everything when he doesn't. All that happened really was him coming down and having a go at me for being on the Playstation (I've been revising all morning lol, so I wanted to have some fun) And like.. He'd been revising aswell so I just said we may as well both go on it. And then he did that trying to make me feel bad thing, but came on it anyway when i ignored him. Then.. Started hitting and biting himself. Which was when I yelled I CAN'T BE BOTHERED. And went off. I could here mum throwing a strop but I haven't bothered going back down. I know this isn't a major thing, it's just annoying because I thought I was going to the beach with Rose today but mum won't let me because she keeps telling me I'm too crap at swimming to go in the sea.

Nice.

So now I feel even more crap than I did before. Which doesn't help. I know this sounds all pathetic and "Oh feel sorry for me"ish, but.. Why does everyone always blame their being unhappy on me?
My mum does it.
John does it.
Sammie does it.
And that nurse did it..

maybe I have an invisibe label on my head that says "please yell at me because you've got problems, it's ok"

It pisses me off. If I'm really mad about something I only yell at people if they yell at me. Otherwise I just don't talk. But then that isn't ok either.
It's annoying.

Sammie really upset me again last night aswell.
I don't know why I bother going in YT chats anymore. It seems like Mike has grown out of them and in the end I was only going in to talk to him anyway. But.. Yeah, without him there Sammie can just have a go at me and always get away with it. I don't understand her, just bcecause one of the hosts goes "hi xxx" to me yesterday she was horrible all day. IT'S A HOST FOR GODS SAKE. And then she had a go at me because I didn't stand up for her when someone was mean.
I wasn't looking at the chatroom at that point. I was replying to stuff on here. But apprently she thinks I was watching laughing or something.
God, get rid of one Robyn gain another one.
I wonder if this is what my life is always going to be like?
lol..

Yeah.. another one of my crap songs.
I've written it in about 5/10 mintues but I can only sort of do it when it flows.
It's the first one I've done for a while..

Same Old wish

I have a question
About life the earth and everything
Who can I ask I am all alone
Every night it’s the same old wish
But never with any reply
Every day it’s the same old life
If I can even call it that
My imaginary friends have long since left me now
I begged and scream for them to stay
But they went before my eyes

And heaven sounds a wonderful place
But would I ever belong
I need someone to be my home
Cause I can’t stand alone much longer
My legs a growing weaker
My walls are crumbling
Eyes are fading
Take my hand keep me stood up

I used to think you’d be there
I always thought that we’d be close
But suddenly I can’t do a thing right
I don’t mean to upset you
I don’t mean to not be there enough
I wanted to be someone
But myself is something no longer know

And heaven sounds a wonderful place
But would I ever belong
I need someone to be my home
Cause I can’t stand alone much longer
My legs a growing weaker
My walls are crumbling
Eyes are fading
Take my hand keep me stood up

And heaven sounds a wonderful place
But would I ever belong
I need someone to be my home
Cause I can’t stand alone much longer
My legs a growing weaker
My walls are crumbling
Eyes are fading
Take my hand keep me stood up

I wonder where to answer is
To life the earth and everything
When I think I’ve found them
I have me heaven for a while
But then something will change them
And they will run miles away
Maybe it’s just my fault

god i'm pathetic..

This is quite weird

Take just a couple of minutes to take this test & see what happens!
If you are honest this tells the truth -- it's pretty good.
Write your answers on a piece of paper, NO cheating!! The answers are at the bottom...

1. Which is your favorite color: red, black, blue, green, or yellow? blue
2. Your first initial? L
3. Your month of birth? November
4. Which color do you like more, black or white? Black
5 . Name of a person of the same sex as yours. Rose
6. Your favorite number? 15
7. Do you like California or Florida more? Florida
8. Do you like a lake or the ocean more? ocean
9. Write down a wish (a realistic one)
The person i need coming..

When you're done, scroll down. Don't cheat

Answers:
1. If you choose:
Red - You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from
the ones you love. Yellow - You are a very happy person and give good advice to
those who are down.

2. If your initial is:
A-K - You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R - You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love
life is soon to blossom. S-Z - You like to help others and your future love life looks
very good.

3. If you were born in:
JAN - MAR: The year will go very well for you and you will
discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
APR - JUN: You will have a strong love relationship that will
last forever.
JUL - SEP: You will have a great year and will experience a
major life-changing experience for the good.
OCT - DEC: Your love life will be great, you will find your
soulmate.
4. If you chose...
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will
be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You have a friend who completely confides in you and
would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

5. This person should be your best friend. yep!!

6. This is how many close friends you will have in your
lifetime. hahahaha, i doubt it.

7. If you chose:
California : You like adventure.
Florida : You are a laid back person.

8. If you chose:
Lake : You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are
very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
9. This wish will come true if you send this to 1 person in
one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next
Birthday.

god i'm lame.

i sent it to someone

and now i'm putting it on here

i'm bored

YOUR AGE BY RESTAURANT MATHS!

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!

WORK THIS OUT AS YOU READ IT.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat. (More than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757. If you haven't, add 1756.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS!

it's wierd, it got my age anyway.

I guess this must be kinda annoying, I just need to say how I feel, and I don't really know how tonight

So yeah.. this song.. is it.

Avril Lavinge

How Does It Feel

I’m not afraid of anything
I just need to know that I can breathe
And I don’t need much of anything
But suddenly suddenly
I am small and the world is big
All around me is fast moving
Surrounded by so many things
And suddenly suddenly
How does it feel To be
Different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel
I am young and I am free
But I get tired and I get weak
I get lost so I can’t speak
And suddenly suddenly
How does it feel to be
Different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel to be
Different from me
Are we the same
How does it feel
Would you comfort me
Would cry with me
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah
How does it feel
How does it feel
You’re different from me different
How does it feel how does it feel
You’re different from me different

so.. yeah.

this another one of those "i need a hug nights."

argh

I feel so crap.

I had managed to make myself sort of okay aswell.

I hate magazines. I didn't even read the stupid thing, I just saw the front cover. Which, annoyingly, was enough.
And other stuff.

Isn't it so annoying when you're kinda trying to ignore someone, so you don't wanna look at them, and then they seem to walk into where you're looking?
I hate it.

There really isn't any point in me writing this..

Sammie's just make me feel even worse.
When everyone was gunna go into Lost as YT chats closed, I said "oh, are we all going into Lost?"
And Sammie goes "I'm not going so you can "

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM???!

apprently it's cause of my that she hasn't been saying how she feels in chat and stuff, and apprently she's been trying to avoid me as much as she can.

1. she HAS been saying how she feels in chat

2. i have tried SO hard with her.

3. WHENEVER I SAY HOW I FEEL SHE TELLS ME HOW LUCKY I AM COMPARED TO HER.

like that helps.
god, and i didn't think that i could feel that much worse.
i wish HP was here, i miss her

i wish there was someone all the time that i could just talk to. but there isn't. and i can't talk tp geena anymore, cause like.. with everything that's happening at the moment it wouldn't be fair.
and i'm scared HP and Mike will get sick of me and leave.

and kirsty is going on at me about robyn

SHUTUPSHUTUP TALKING ABOUT ROBYN.

i guess she doesn't know how i feel.

so that's kinda mean

argh

i hate me

Snow Patrol

Chasing Cars

We do it all
everything
on our own
we don't need
anything
or anyone
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world
i don't quite know
how to say
how i feel
those 3 words
are said too much
but not enough
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world
forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden that's bursting into life
lets waste time
chasing cars
around our heads
i need your grace
to read my need
to find my own
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world
forget what we're told
before we get to old
show me a garden that's bursting into life
all that i am
all that i ever was
is here in your perfect eyes
they're all i can see
i don't know where
confused about how aswell
just know that these things will never change
for us at all
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world...?

I feel so crap. I hate feeling this bad but I can't really get it to go away, and now I'm just sat up here on my own and I don't have anything else to really do. So I suppose I can just feel it more than during the day.

The day...?
Well, I had to put a condom on a fake dick (oh the joys of year nine). And er.. that's about it. I didn't understand anything in maths, or science. I just keep like.. going off into my own daydreams and stuff, because I can't be bothered to listen to it, Especiallt after what they said about the level 4s.

Robyn has rung me about 4 times. I just don't want anything to do with her. It's a lot to do with her that I feel as crappy as I do. I don't like this. And I don't see how she seriously thinks that I'm gunna talk to her again after what I wrote in that e mail. And anyway, what would I say? I just want her to leave me alone, but you can't block people ringing your home phone. or at least, you can't on ours. And I can't exactly get my mum to change our number just cause Robyn won't stop calling. What does she want anyway? Robyn, that is. Someone who'll let her get away with things? Well, I don't anymore. Mainly why I'm not speaking to her now. I guess if I hadn't of written the e mail then maybe.. I dunno, maybe it would be a bit easier. All she is doing is making me miserable. And for once I'm not gunna do something just so that she can feel ok, and tell people stuff just cause that's what they're asking me to say. I don't want her in my life. I'm better off without her. I mean, I do REALLY hate school, but it's 10 times better without her there.

hmm.. I thought that this would help more than it is.

Also, the one person I can sometimes talk to has a major problem. I can't go into it cause she made me promise not to tell. I really wanna help her, but sometimes I don't know if I can and stuff. But Geena is so lovely, and she'll let me talk to her about things sometimes. Yesterday for example, I told her about some stuff I realy hadn't mentioned to anyone, and she knew what I meant, and I guess.. I dunno, I just don't get that offline. And she has just.. helped me a lot, and I wanna be able to help her, but I'm crap at it. I just asked her if she was comepletly sure about what she was doing and stuff. And then she said as long as she had her friends then she would be ok. So I guess that means I have to try really really hard to make things ok when I'm around her. I know that I want to. I just don't know if I can.

Robyn just rang. Caller ID. I didn't pick up the phone.
I REALLY want her to leave me alone. I was sorta getting a bit ok at that point, but now all my insides have just knotted up and I don't know what to do.
I don't want her in my life. Every single them that she's upset me is in mind.
I'm never gunna forget it.

I never do I guess, it's annoying, I was just sort making myseklf a bit ok, but now that horrible feeling is there really strongly. And we're going to that thing at Sam and Jordan's today. I don't want to go.
It's a christian thing, and I mean, I don't know about everything religious wise yet, and I just wanna sorta.. sit there, but they don't let me, they always go on at me to talk when I don't want to.
And I cant stop going cause my mum would get upset.

I hope they leave me alone tonight.

She's left another comment on my bebo, and tried adding me back onto her friends list.
I just don't think that that makes up for the last 2 years, I really don't. I mean like.. if someone made you think that you had done something wrong EVERY SINGLE DAY for like.. 2 years, and then left and you'd thought it was all over and then it carried on? No. I think I have every right to have snapped.
Ok, samle conversation

(Robyn has stopped talking to me, for as far as I can see, no reason.)

me: Robyn are you ok?

silence

me: um.. have I done something wrong?

she gives Rose a look

me: sorry

robyn: but how can you be? if you don't know what you've done

me: i haven't done anything

she rolls her eyes

i look at Rose

Robyn: Don't tell her, she has to work it out for herself

Everyday. And people wonder why i say sorry so much..

I just don't understand what I did.
And like.. non one gets it. Like they'll all think that I#'m horrible because everyone else saw us being friends. No one else knew. I know none of this is serious, and know people get bullied and stuff, which is worse than Robyn. I just.. I dunno. I wasn't as bad as I am now before. I know that I wasn't. Once she fell out with me because I wasn't happy. I never understood that.
And a lot she would be fine with me if Rose was ill for a day, but then she wouldn't be speaking to me the next day. And there was the nicknames, she'd give them to me and then make Rose not tell me what they meant, and then she'd say it and they'd start laughing and stuff.
And the talking to german. GOD. that was HORRIBLE. They both did german and I do french so that was always a great wa to be able to make sure that she could leave me out. Whenever she decided to fall out with me she'd always say stuff to Rose in german, like they were bitching about me. Rose said afterwards that's not what she was saying, but it's still horrible. To ave to sit there with someone deliberatly making people talk so that you can't understand. She did that with rnaomd ones she made up sometimes aswell. For nearly a whole day.
I couldn't wave to people for ages either, cause me wave was stupid. Oh yeah, and ever other word I said was dumb aswell.
Argh, I know I'm being over dramatic. it probably doesn't really sound very bad.
I guess the main thing that gets me is that I don't know what I did. I was just.. me. And she told everyone I was horrible to her in year 7. I don't remember that.
All I remember is her making everyone that I was trying to make friends with run away when I wasn't looking. Oh yeah, and calling me SC (social climber) for ages when I started making friends with other people.

ARGH.

i hate this.

what did i do?

I'm kinda really paniking so I guess I'm going this to try and calm myself down. Last night was so horrible. I started to get really really nervous and worried for no reason and there was no one here, so I just ended up crying lots. It was horrible, and I don't why it happens, but I can't control it at all. I was doing my best not to make myself sick.
Mum got home while I was still crying so she was talking to me for a while, but I was kinda beyond helping by that point. I know it sounds pathetic, but I can't help it.
And apprenlty after I went to sleep last night John started to get really ill. He didn't have a seizure THANK GOD. But he still isn't right this morning, so we're all extra worried about it. I hate this.
AND John still wants to go to dad's. God, they are NOT making me do that. I CAN'T. I'm even crying now loads but I don't know why. I can't look after him all on my own. Not today. I can't deal with it. I can't deal with anything. I just have to make myself better for tomorow.

Got Famous Last Words on again. I love this song. I love My Chemical Romance basically. I wish I knew them. But they wouldn't be interested in me anyway. So what would be the point?
I wish I'd stayed in bed. I don't even know why I got up. There isn't anything to get up to. Apart from a depressiong reflection.

John's headache is back.

GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Mum's birthday today.
I pretty much fauiled to make it a nice day.
Her and Hugh have been arguing about nothing since last night and it carried on this morning so she was kinda upset. And then I got mad. I hate myself for it but I don't think I can listen to it for much longer. I HATE Hugh SO much. There isn't one thing that I can think of that makes him being around good.
They've gone out this evening.
He'd better not have upset her. I wanna try and stay awake until she gets back but I'm tired (sleeping was apprently not allowed last night) And I feel terrible. I went to bed for a while but I got bored. It's ok as long as I don't move. If I do it feels like someone is trying to slowly cut of peices of my brain with small scissors.
Got the MSN working again tho, which I guess is a plus. But I can't think of anything to say to Mike, and I can only talk about My Chemical Romance with Soph for so long until the conversation fizzles out. I mean, I love MCR, but Soph.. Argh, I dunno, I guess she just isn't always an easy person to talk to. And we do seem to be going over the same stuff a lot. And with Mike.. I dunno. I spose I just can't think of anything to say. And Sammie is offline.
Which.. tbh is probably a good thing because I don't know if I can properly think of advice which she'll then get annoyed with me over and tell me I'm making her seem stupid and stuff. I didn't realise, but apprently I was. So I think I just up on the whole advice giving thing.
God, tomorow is the last day of the holidays. I have to go back to school . That is SO crap. Especially as I have SATs in like.. 2 weeks. Oh god. 2 weeks!!!! I have done NO revision. Mainly cause I have kinda given up on school in the last few months. I just can't be bothered. There's nothing that I'm good at and I'm going to do crap in all the tests anyway. So what's the point?
There isn't any.

Argh, I need to go downstairs soon and feed the animals and make sure John has had his meds and goes to bed and stuff.
Somehow I don't think I'll be going to bed. I mean, I really want to cause I'm so tired. But when it's jusr me and John I worry. Cause like.. if something happened while I was sleeping.. Argh. I could never forgive myself. So I guess I'll just have to make myself some coffee or something and hope my head doesn't get really bad again.
Cause if it does I will have to go to bed.
I swear it's cause I'm going back to school.
None of this was happening last week.
The headaches and stuff had gone.

I need to hug

My sorta aunt is really sick

basically she would be my step aunt, but my grandad adopted her so it's more comeplicated.

she's called sophie.

she was.. a herion addict for 4 or 5 years. but like.. she's been off it for AGES.

but.. it's done loads of damage and it has definatly shortened her life. basically for some reason her immune system is attacking organs and stuff, so she is having to take things o supress her immune system. and she can't do her uni course anymore because she is too sick.

godddddd, it's so unfair. she went thru everything giving it up, and it still isn't over.

i HATE drugs.
i'm NEVER going near them.

GOD, i've inly actually met her a few times, we just like.. clicked y'know?

and i was really hoping i was gunna get to meet her lots more

i'm never ever ever ever ever ever going near drugs.
and i hate the people who deal in them. don't they even think about the lives that they're screwing up?!
i don't exactly know why sophie got into the drugs.
i think grandad and nan were a bit.. control freakish, but like.. majorly.

i wish so much i new her better.

this is so unfair..

Anyone that has it:
AOL expression - Superbuddy

ahh well, it made me cheer up a bit LOL

my icon is a stoned coffee mug

hmm..

but it puts on sunglasses

so that's ok then

=S

Ok, if anyone reads this can they tell me what they think? Cause I really need some help

Basically, after all this stuff that's happened with Robyn I came online today and there was a commment on my bebo that said "sorry". I don't know why because I didn't think that she really cared because she's left it a few weeks and stuff.
I instatnly panicked and deleted the message, because I thought that it was all over and I wasn't going to have to think about it anymore.

So.. I'm NOT going back to how things were before cause I'm not that stupid, but, I fo have 2 options.

a. Leave a comment that says "thanks" and then never bother with keeping in touch

b. ignore her.

I've asked Mike and he says not replying is probably better incase she keeps commenting or something.

Argh, I don't know..

Plllleeeaaaasssseeee

could really use some adive

xxxxx

ARGH

Rose has put a really horrible picture of me on bebo and she won't take it off

not fair

argh, it's stupid that it's getting to me lots

but everything small is kinda something massive at the moment.

i wanna cry now

god i'm lame

now she's in a mood with me.

*sigh*

cause

I felt like parts of this song yesterday
(the bold bits)

i'm so horrible, but everyone in my house was in one of those "lets nick pick at EVERYTHING Lydia does" moods, and it was getting really annoying. and then i heard this song..lol

Bowling For Soup

A Friendly Goodbye

A Friendly Goodbye Lyrics
Artist(Band):Bowling for Soup Review The Song (0)
Print the Lyrics

Send Bowling for Soup polyphonic ringtone to your cell phone

I can lay it on real thick
Cause I know how you don't like to get bogged down
With anything 'bout us
And our kick ass true love tale
Sorry I swore just then
Cause I know you hate it
And by the way that cake you baked me really sucked
But I ate it

[Chorus]
Cause I loved you
Even more than you could ever imagine
Here's a friendly goodbye
5,6,7
Ain't that a “b” with an itch
Ain't that a mother trucker
You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks
And f yourself
Cause I'm flippin' gosh darn sick
Of all the “s” words you put me through
So f-u
F-u

I can hang it out to dry
Cause I know how you like all your laundry neat
And not just thrown around
Like a chain saw in need of juggling
Sorry I flipped you off cause I know,
How you hate it
And that homemade porn I said that I erased
Well I saved it

[Chorus]
Cause I loved you
Even more than you could ever imagine
Here's a friendly goodbye
5,6,7
Ain't that a “b” with an itch
Ain't that a mother trucker
You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks
And f yourself
Cause I'm flippin' gosh darn sick
Of all the “s” words you put me through
So f-u
F-u..,f-u..,f-u

I'll send you a post card that says
I'm glad you're not here
I'll buy you a t-shirt
But I'll use it to wipe up the beer
That I spilled
While I was spilling my guts
To my friends about you
And I really don't have anything else nice to say
But f-u
F-u

[Half Chorus]
5,6,7
Ain't that a “b” with an itch
Ain't that a mother trucker
You can go to h-e-double hockey sticks
And f yourself
Cause I'm flippin' gosh darn sick
Of all the “s” words you put me through
So f-u
F-u..,f-u..,f-u

Acatually, she's known him 21 years

yep. it's her fault..lol

ARGH!!!!!!!!!
I COMPLETLY FORGOT MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

well, not forgot so much, I thought it was on Thursday.
Omg, I'm so horrible, i thought my dad's birthday was on thr 19th. But.. I've always thought that. He's probably changed the dates to annoy me.
Apprently the 19th is his and Mum's wedding anniversary..or at least, it would have been if they hadn't got divorced. But why would I remember that?!

Oh well, apprently we're gunna go to Fermoys in a bit and get him something and do the whole leaving it on the doorstep thing.

I hope it's not too obvious that we forgot.

Anyway, why didn't my mum remember? She was married to the guy for 8 years.

But then.. I've known him for 14..

Pain seems to have gone a bit, which is good cause I'm NOT going to see Dr.Roberts cause all she ever does is try and send me to a counceller. And I hate them aswell. The one I had was HORRIBLE!! She made me talk about things that I didn't wanna talk about and then wouldn't let me leave when I wanted to. In the end I made up this like.. resolution to it all and told her that, and she let me stop going. It was annoying tho, because they were asking you all these questions and the begining, but like.. they said that they would tell your parents if you having problems with certain things (anger, s/h etc) And so like.. what's the point? You tell them how you're really feeling because you can't really tell anyone else.. and then they go and tell the people you didn't want to know anyway. So.. after that it was obvious that there was no point in my being there, I only kept going cause I didn't wanna stay in the lesson I had (Robyn was still there then, and that was one of her best "lets leave out Lydia as much as we can and talk german all the time so she can't understand" lessons) So.. hmm.. the choice was being made to feel like crap but Robyn.. or by someone that I then wouldn't see for a week . Speaking of Robyn.. I wonder if she's gone home yet, cause I kinda..need to meet up with Rose and think about some stuff, but it would be BAD if I rang up and Robyn was still there.
So I don't know what to do..

Last night Hugh called me "The Girl Who Doesn't Speak Anymore"
O.M.G
And why does he think that is?!

Still that post I want to do, but the thing is.. when you're worried about something that you're not sure about there probably isn't any point in being worried about it and shouldn't be making me feel the way that I am. But it still is.. I don't get it tho, I feel really really bad, and kinda like I'm gunna cry.. But I'm not crying. And I got upset in some private chatroom I was in last night, cause a girl came in and started going on about her depression and sekf garm and stuff. And I guess.. maybe it's me being selfish, but I seriously didn't need to hear it, so I left. Mike did first then he told me I#d be better off going, cause like.. it's upsettig watching somone going on about that, and like.. I don't know if I believe her cause of Shona and stuf. It's stupid I know, but..argh. I still wanna like.. escape and stuff pretty badly. I guess I need to find a song that is how I feel, but I spose I can't really pinpoint it at the moment, cause there are so many diffferent things. But I guess.. The one good thing is that I haven't been like.. left on my own when I've been really really bad, cause of.. well. stuff.

foof.

My Chemical Romance

Famous Last Words

Now i know that i can't make you stay
but where's your heart
but where's your heart
but where's your
and i know there's nothing i can say
to change that part
to change that part
to change
so many bright lights they cast a shadow
but can i speak?
well is it hard understand why i'm incomplete
a life that's so damanding i get so weak
a love that's so damanding i can't speak
i am not afraid to keep on living
i am not afraid to walk this world alone
hunny if you stay you'll be forgiven
nothing you can say will stop me coming home
can you see
my eyes are shining bright
while i'm out here on the otherside
of a jet black hotel mirror
i'm so weak
well is it hard understanding why i'm incomplete
a love that's so demanding
i get weak
i am not afraid to keep on living
i am not afraid to walk this world alone
hunny if you stay you'll be forgiven
nothing you can say can stop me going home
these bright lights have always blinded me
these bright lights have always blinded me
i said
i see you lying next to me
with words i thought i'd never speak
awake and unafraid
alseep or dead
cause i see you lying next to me
with words i thought i'd never speak
awake and unafraid
asleep or dead
i am not afraid to keep on living
i am not afraid to walk this world alone
hunny if you stay you'll be forgiven
nothing you can say can stop me going home

I AM NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING

I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE

HUNNY IF YOU STAY YOU'LL BE FORGIVEN

NOTHING YOU CAN SAY CAN STOP ME GOING HOME

especially if they don't acually live here

I seriously do. I just remembered that Mum, dad AND Rose ALL have their birthdays this month. And I'm trying to save up to get John a kewl t-shirt cause he's 17 next month and he doesn't wanna be a chav anymore. It's a Ghostbusters one. It was in my Gtrindstore catalouge. Right no I can afford it but then I don't have any money for Rose and dad. God, all the money I currently have is £15.
Actually, that's not true, I have a bank account thingy but I'm not allowed to use it cause I think it's for later in life or something. It's unfair tho, cause mum found the books for it the other day and JOhn has like.. £100 more than me . Lol, not that it really matters, but still.

Stupid pain is still there, I told mum and she looked all worried so I wish that I hadn't now. However I have got myself in her good books by doing all the washing up this morning (no one could be bothered last night lol). So I've done a nice thing but I'm still a bitch cause I only did it cause I thought it might put her in a good mood so I didn't have to be so.. worried. See? Argh, I'm horrible

Anyway..jobs. What can I do? Erm..
Annoyingly you have to be 16 to get a job in Sainsbury's, not that I desperatly wanna work there, it just has its.. positive sides
apart from that.. I could deliver Abbtalk, but it only comes out once a month. Well, it's meant to, but I think we got december 2006 a few weeks ago. Maybe not.
A while ago there were posters for papar rounds, but despite the fact I have lived in this village my whole life I don't know where everywhere is. And tbh, I don't think I can be bothered.
There's the shop.. But they have tons of people working there and I'm terrified of the people who run it cause sometimes they are really nice, but then when you think it's safe to have a conversation with them thy suddenly go all scary. So..no.

baby sitting?

Oh no. If it was the kinda kids in bed scenario it would be ok. But after Rose's experience of baby sitting (10 year old boy who writes raunchy novels. yes, i am completly serious) And other stuff he talked about.. I don't know if i can even do that. And after the whole Ben Jo thing.. Little kids are so TIERING!!!!! And they kinda seem to find the same thing funny about 100 times over. I mean, i love them and everytihng, but when there is major other stuff just getting thru to you at that moment.. then it isn't so good.

Still haven't got around to doing that post..

Going to the zoo today XD

maybe i'll do the post later
god.. i don't know.
ARGH.

What's it like being normal?

Sammie's back, I loe her and everything I just.. Argh, there is a friends only post I can#t decide wether or not to do. Argh, this is anoying, I'm typing in the dark cause when Mum and Hugh get back if they know I'm still up I will be murdered.
I hate being on my own when it gets later. I know it isn't late I just.. I think john's gone to sleep so I'm on my own now. I can't see the keyboard properly.. LOL

Argh, stupid pain is still there, it isn't getting worse exactly, but it's there, and it's annoying and I can't really stand.

Oh wait.. john's awake.
getting nagged, i'd better go cause i haven't been sleeping that much and he'll tell mum i'm up

so..

night night one and all

x

no idea, just bored and trying to make myself happy

Which.. and EXTREEMLY wierd talk in chat has gone.
I don't know why whenever we are in priavte chat without hosts. It always comes back to the same stuff

lol..

Stupid painnnn. I hate it, and it's annoying cause I'm not evne that worried this evening. I mean.. Still thinking about doing the post that I need to do and stuff but I haven't made up my mind.

Argh, Docter Who was good. That's another thingI prefer to reality. I'd rather go off somewhere else than stay here. Even if it did mean I only lived for an hour a week..

Actually

That wouldn't bother me

Lol..

Ok. I've been feeling like this for 3 days now. is it time to say about it? Argh, I don't know. The only person I have told is Mike, and he was great. I still.. I just want to know how I feel. Not have all these confusing things in my head making me feel like everything is different from how I think/thought it is. And it's making me ill. I know that sounds lame, but worrying about it is making me feel really really crap. Suddenly all the headaches and stuff are back. I don't know if the only reason the pains are there is cause of me. I think that the other stuff is getting in the way aswell. Like.. my mum. I mean, she's my mum and I love her to peices, it's just.. her being how she is at the moment I am constantly on edge. You just never know when something is going to set her off, and with her keeping saying stuff like "I've got nothing to look forward to" I guess.. I'm just worried and stuff all the time. I wish that she wouldn't say that kinda stuff, cause like.. what am I meant to say? I don't know. And like.. Pretty soon she's gunna start about how she hates everything, and then.. I get mad. Because I am a part of that everything. I hate it when people group things together. Y'know, like when you have been talking to someone for ages and stuff, and then they say something like "no one cares." I guess I shouldn't let it piss me off but it REALLY does. I just feel like nothing I do is worthwhile, because whenever I try and do nice things it always goes conpletly wrong. And then like.. I can't make it right, cause the person is more stressed than they already were. I just make things worse all the time because everything I thing of is exactly the wrong thing.
And then like.. everyone swiches back. Mum and John start being really happy and stuff, and then I just have the automatically be ok with them, or I'm causing problems.
It's just hard, when she's going on about to me about how she has nothing to look forward to and everything is crap, and then when John is in a mood critisising everything I do and thumping himself in the head and no one can get him to stop..
Then they've alright, so I have to be.
Well guess what? I'm not. And then I get moaned at, and asked what is wrong (right, like I'm really gunna say) And then Mum asking me what she's done wrong when I'm off with her, telling me not to snap[ at John. I just feel.. so alone sometimes. And I know that I'm not really, I guess I just wish that there was somewhere that I could go that no one knew about, somewhere I could like.. escape from them all yelling and stuff.
Hugh's here aswell.. ugh. I came in here and hid when he arrived. Him and Mum are going out tonight so he's gunna be here this evening but it doesn't mean that I'm not going to avoid as much as humanly possible. I can't be in the same room as the guy, I just hate him so much. And no.. hate isn't to stronger word. All the horrible stuff he's said and done.. over 10 years. Nope. HATE is definatly that word for him.

I think.. I've written all I'm going to now. I might doa friends only thing later, I haven't decided yet, and actually.. I don'tknow. Because if I'm just confused then I'll just seem patheticer and stuff..
So.. I don't know.

x

Sorry I didn't write yesterday. Well.. Tbh, I did write.
I was gunna do one of those friends only posts but after I wrote everything out I decided not t post it.
Everything is just really confused and I don't know what to do. I've talked to Mike about it and like.. He knows exactly how I feel and stuff but still..
I just don't know.

Mum is in a bad mood again for no reason. She keeps saying stuff like "oh, I have nothing to look forward to".
What am I supposed to say to that?
I've said everything that I think I possibly can, and it never works. So now? I don't know. Nothing I ever say or do is EVER going to be enough for her. She always wants more than I can get. I think when I'm doing my GCSEs I'm just gunna tell her everything is always ok. I know with mine it won't be so stressful cause like.. I'm not John. But still.. She'll think about it a lot and stuff, so.. y'know.

Argh, they're back

XxXxXx

Went to Ros's today and we went swimming and then to see Blades Of Glory. it was acually really fun.And the film was good. I was a bit like.. eeks about the swimming cause I get really self concious, but it was good in the end, and we've decided that we HAAAVVVVVEEEE to try and set up Chloe and Alister. cause she reallllyyyy obviously likes him and we think that he likes her aswell. And as Rpse said 2 we have some major love making to do" (she meant love matching btw, ad then sytarting hitting me with a woggle when I wouldn't stop laughing). Laughing makes you sink, it's annoying.

I think.. I'm gunna go. I feel really mixed emotiony and I'm not sure if i..

Hmm.. it doesn't matter

Hahahahaha. I'm so stupid, I just looked up cardcaptors on amazon, you can get the series on dvd or something. I dunno why I still like it really. I guess.. I dunno, I just really really liked it when I was younger, and I guess.. I just remember that feeling. Cause when i was younger I was always in like.. this world of my own that I had. And I guess.. I duno, stuff like that was what made me do all the wierd imgination stuff.
It's just.. distracting. And I know it's lame, but if I have... Like a kinda safety net thing that can take my mind off stuff that's making me feel crap I don't wanna..
I guess.. I don't know. I think I'm such a wied person, but my own world is where I like being better. I know that sounds So immature, but I've always been that way. Because in my head I can control what does and doesn't happen. And if I don't like something I can re-write it all so the ending is better. I can make it so I'm not me.
Cause I hate me.. I know tha I say that a lot. But no one gets how much I really mean it. Maybe it's just the way I am. I don't know. I just.. even when I was a little kid I never spent any time being me. Cause everything else seems soooo much better.
So yeah.. I guess this whole lame thing now.. has come out of that.
But can anyone really blame me for liking something that makes me happy? Cause I can't find any other wa of not being me. Apart from.. distracting myself.
I'm my biggest problem. And.. no one is ever gunna sort it.
That's pretty depressing.

I'm going out tomorow, me and Rose are going swimming and then to see Bades Of Glory. Should be funny. Robyn is down tho.. but she'll be staying with Ime and Ime doesn't live in Totnes so it should be ok. Have to be there for 11 tho, so i'll have to get up pretty early. But that isn't such a massive thing.

God, it's wierd. I rely so much on this blog. I don't know why really. It's just.. my place. I can tell it everything. I hope like.. I don't get juged. Cause I know that I'm being a bitch all the time. But I can't help. It's the way I am, and as I said.. that's the problem. But on here.. it's easy. you don't have someone asking "and how do you feel about that?" Especially annoying when you've just said. And then the akward silnces. If I was dying they'd tell me I'd been feeling a bit stressed. All I wanted was some painkillers that would work and my Mum to stop worrying. But no. Go and see this person, they can give you one starter session and then we'll work thru things from there.

I laughed when we came out of the room thingy.
Hahahahaha, I don't why I'm thinking about this, it was a couple of months again now. Well, last time anyway. It's happened about 3 times. Me actually being ill isn't possible. I'm either faking me ill without knowing or "feel a bit stressed" (and at this point we're all thinking about hitting the "nice" docter).

I actually.. don't think I;m really an agry person. and anyway, when I am it's only in my head or on here so it doesn't matter anyway. I hate it when people do the whole getting angry thing, so.. knowing how crappy it makes people feel why would I make anyone else feel that way? That's another reaons I say most things on here, like everything about john. cause if I said any of that to my mum then she would get really upset. And I don't want to be responsable for that, cause like.. She'd feel crap, i'd feel crapper for making her feel crap. So.. yeah. I'm stuck.

And.. as it's in my head. This song has the most amazing lyrics in the universe.

Muse

Invincible

Follow thru make your dreams come true
don't give up the fight you'll be alright
cause there's no one like you in the universe
don't be afraid what your mind concieves
you should make a stand
stand up for what you believe
and tonight we can truly say
together we're invincible
during the struggle they will pull us down
but please please
lets use this chance to turn things around
and tonight we can truly say
together we're invincible
do it on your own
it makes no difference to me
what you leave behind what you choose to be
and whatever they say
your saul is unbreakable
during the struggle they will pull us down
but please please lets use this chance to turn things around
and tonight we can truly say
together we're invincible
together we're invincible
DURING THE STRUGGLE THEY WILL PULL US DOWN
BUT PLEASE PLEASE
LETS USE THIS CHANCE TO TURN THINGS AROUND
AND TONIGHT WE CAN TRULY SAY
TOGETHER WE'RE INVINCIBLE
TOGETHER WE'RE INVINCIBLE

Today i feel.. not nearly as bad as I thought I would. I mean.. the whole day that everything happened in is going around in my head, but tbh, it's been like that every single day since I saw it all happen, so it's not really that unusual. John seems ok today apart from a cold, which is all good. And Hugh isn't around to make him stressed which is also a good thing. And last night was fun in the end..
We were meant to be going up to that thing at Sam and Jordan's house but it wasn't on. I was happy to stay in..lol, but Mum decided that we should go out (mostly for John's sake i think..) So.. yeah, we went to Torquay. I'm not sure if some girls yelled something at me but I couldn't be bothered to look up so I just looked down and hoped I wasn't blushing too much. We walked along one of those kewl paths we tons of lights coming out from behind plants and stuff. Nearly fell in the pond a couple of times aswell. Also.. got ince cream on the way home. So much for the dieting.. ahh well. I've nearly finished the easter eggs now tho so I can be 100% good when they are all gone.
Whooooooooo!! Got a manga book and I've ben practising trying to do the eyes. Most of the ones that I have done are crap but I've only had the book for one afternoon so I'm not really annoyed about it. And like.. I gues I could have got the bus into town and gone and got everything that I wanted, but what would be the point in that if Mum and John were going in anyway? It's stupid. ONe thing happened that annoyed me a bit.. well, I'd been waiting for like.. half an hour for her and JOhn to finish choosing revision guides and stuff, and then when they were done and we went to Waterstones.. I kinda thought we were going there for me, and that Mum was gunna help me choose a book and stuff.. Haha. She went off to look for MORE things for JOhn as soon as we got in.
I know I sound like a bitch. I just.. argh, this sounds really really awful. It isnt meant to, it's just how I feel all the time recently. I just want.. something to be about me . And yeah, it does sound awful. I know I'm being a crap person, and yeah, course things are gunna be focused on John cause like.. he's John. But sometimes.. I just wish someone would want to spend time with me a bit. Whenever we go away it's always.. them and JOhn. Cuz he enjoys himself more because he's into the same stuff as they are. I can't really be bothered to wak, I'd rather be doing watersports and stuff and going around big towns. But they wanna walk in the country. And that causes problems cause whenever they are all having a go at me about stuff like that John joins in. Same with this going to church stuff.
I don't know about all that. Not yet anyway. I didn't een want to go before all this stuff started with Sam. And anyway, I go to this Tuesday night thing, isn't that enough? And I get pressed to talk and stuff when I go to that. If I decide that I want to have a religion, I wanna decide it because i WANT to have one, not because I don't want my mum to feel bad. And at this Tuesaday night thing, they are getting more and more stressy with me because I don't wantto talk. I enjoyed myself a bit to start off with, but now they don't leave me alone because I don't want to sing or speak or something.

I've completly lost my thread. It's wierd how easly anpother rant comes out of something I'm already going on about. That didn't make sense. And a lot of what I say doesn't. ot just online, off aswell. Cause when I get started on something.. I dunno, people actually understanding what I'm on about seems to go out the window a bit.
And.. the only christian thing IO've ever been to that I liked was Detling. And I can't go this year. Well.. actually, I'm kinda a lier. I didn't really join in with the praying for the kids cause I wouldn't know what to say. And then people wanted to "pray" for me, saying they understood that I felt uncomfortable and stuff. But they didn't.. cause if they had of known honestly how I felt they would have left me alone and not made me blush. ARGH. I've never said about how I feel about this. And I shouldn't. It's just something that my MUm said a few months ago that is in my head a lot atm. About how everything I appreciate is wrong. Basiclally everything that I like and kinda.. am is stupid .
So I don't know what to do..

It's wierd how I was looking forward to something that dissapointed me so much when it was over tho. Cause like.. there was all this Detling stuff, and then everything I felt when no one really bothered to stay in touch.. And still, i was looking forward to it all year. Well, all year until a motnh ago when it was annouced we can't afford it

This smilys are easier to put tha writing today..

SMUDGE IS ALRIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

and when we were in town i got one of those how to draw manga type thingies. hehe, and my comp's background is the best in the universe. it's annoying tho, the thingy isn't right so I can't put it on here, i LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE the picture tho!!

I feel a lot better today than I did last night, tho i'm still worried cause we have to take Smudge to the vet later to have his injections done. I hope everything else with him is going to be ok, like his teeth and stuff. Cause now he is a bit to old to have the operation again, with the dangers of him not waking up and everything.. Argh, I hope so much that he's going to be ok.
Hahaha, my mum might possibly fund my obsession. I attempted to draw an anime manga face thingy LOL and she says that if we can find one later she'll get me a book on it which is sweet. I think it's so I have something to do while she is sorting out John tbh. But that doesn't matter, the picture I've drawn is pretty crap, s I'd like that get better at drawing.

Hahahahaha, i just sat here for ages waiting for the picture to upload.. and then it was the wrong file type. *rolls eyes* not fair. I hate computers.
Oh godddd, we have to go to the vets soon, i want to go but I don't cause I'm worried about what's going to happen.

I watched that wierd film that was on last night (mum taped itfor me cause no one else wanted to see it) argh, i've forgotton the name.. somethingsomethingsomething Of The Spotless Mind. The Jim Carrey Kate Winslet one. GOD that's going to annoy me nowwwwww.
Argh, if anyone has any idea what I'm on about, pleeaassseeee tell me the name!!

god i thoguht i left being 10 and my cardcaptors obsession behind. when i watched the filn again i didn't think i would actually still like it. it's actually making me feel good to be doing something so lame makes me feel good.
oh.. actually, mum just came and yelled at me cause my music is too loud. the neighbors should appreciate my amazing taste..hehe.

it's annoying, i was gunna upload a load of the pictures but it won't let me. grr..

God, I must sound like such an attention seeking annoy bitch.
i just.. wanted somewhere I can be honest. I guess it's ok, cause on here, if i annoy peopke.. they don't have to read it.
they'll probably just leave an annoying tag instead....

but yeah.. this is that Good Charlotte song that doesn't seem to have a name.. again.

Lost and broken
hopless and lonely
smiling on the outside but hurt beanth my skin
my eyes are fading
my saul is bleeding
i'll try to make it seem ok but my faith is wearing thin
so help me hea these wounds
they've been open for way to long
help me fill this saul
even tho this is not your fault
that i'm open and i'm bleeding
all over your brand new rug
and i need someone to help me fill them up
i only wanted a magazine
i only wanted a movie screen
i only wanted the life i'd read about and dreamed
but now my mind is an open book
but now my heart is an open wound
but now my life is an open song for all to see
so help me heal these wounds
they've been open for way to long
help me fill this saul
even tho this is not your fault
that i'm open and i'm bleeding
all over your brand new rug
and i need someone to help me oh i need someone to help me
so you come along
i'll push you away
then kick and scream for you to stay
cause i need someone to help me
to help me heal these wounds they've been open for way to long
help me fill this saul
even tho this is not your fault
that i'm open and i'm bleeding
and all over your brand rug
and i need someone to help me sew them
i need somone to help me fill them
i need someone to help me close them up.

Last night was bad. And when i say bad.. god. Seriously bad. Just.. everything that I hate feeling was there, kinda overwhelmingly. I just.. i know that if i wasn't me things would be ok. I was thinking of doing an entry at like.. 2 am, but then if i had of got up another day would have started and i couldn'r really be bothered with it. I guess.. I'm just angry at myself. For being like i am, for feeling like I feel. It was so bad I couldn't really cry, i just let everything go round and round in my head, i could practically feeling my insides knotting together. But i know that sounds way too overdramatic. And the thing is.. people tell me that feeling like I do is me "growing up" but as I get older I feel worse, and if this is the person I'm turning into.. I don't want to. I just.. I wanna be pretty, i wanna have nice skin, hair, everything. I just want to look like.. nice. I know that this is me being hopeless and stupid and superficial, but I can't help it. I get this stupid horrible feeling everytime I look in a mirror and see myself. There is.. nothing. And I find out if I got the GCSE options I wanted soon. Not like there's any point. For a start I've still got the rest of this year to do, and I'll be a hopless nurse anyway. I'll blush everytime I have to talk to one of the patients. Great. And whenever I've been in hospitals all the nurses seem pretty close, but I'm never gunna have that. I'm so bad an hanging around in groups. I just sorta.. go back inside myself and wonder why I can't just speak. it's like I just don't have anything to say. No wonder Beanie's ditched me.
And I'm too fat. I HATE it. It's like I can't so no to food or something. Even tho everytime I eat it makes me feel sick. Especially when I then have to look at myself. And now I have all this stupid chocolate in the house which I'm gunna eat. But after that.. no, I'm finished. I'm going to be healthy and stuff. I kind of have a plan in my head, but it involves throwing out food and I feel guilty doing that cause Mum can barely afford to do it as it is.
The fact that I'm even considering it shows what a horrible person I am.
And I'm angry about this STUPID school thing. It's so lame that it's upsetting me, but the upset feeling won't go away. Basically... John might move schools. I don't really care about that cause he's on year 11 and I'm in year 9 so it's not like I see him or anything. The thing that is bugging me is, I didn't get to choose my school. I wanted to go to a different school because that's the one that ALL my friends were going to. And the thing is, I can't help wondering what would have happened if I had of gone there, maybe Lara would've kept caring.. I don't know. But the thing is I wasn't allowed cause it was inconvineit, and John was already at a school cause it was better for him. The fact that the school has turned outto be worse than crap hasn't yet been said. And now.. he might go to a different school. It's ok for John, cause it would be better for him. And I hate the fact that my insides are yelling "what about what would have been better for me".
And then.. this Hugh situation. My mum actually won't let me argue when he gets mad cause she is scared about what he might do. I'm completly serious.What kind of a relationship is that? We can't say our opnions incase he might whack us or something?! But.. since him and John having that argument a couple of days ago.. I just, i have NEVER seen John that angry in my whole life. ever. it was actually scary seeing my brother get like that. Really scary. And it made me angry, because I hate the fact that the person that made him get like that is being allowed to stay in the house, is sleeping here, and then coming back the next day. The person who causes so much upset and is making all of us miserable.. And that is now all I can think about when I see him. Everything he's ever done that I've hated is there in my head even when he's in the same house. When he's around I've started to feel so amazingly low. Lower than I thought I could. I don't want to feel like this because I know it makes my mum feel bad, but I can't help it. Practially everytime he has ever upset me is in my head. 10 years worth of crap. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. and i guess.. i don't deal with it anymore. hugh is SO lucky. God, he's got NO IDEA. he can make John so upsewt, but half and hour later, John will be fine with him. He won't hold a grudge, he'll be really really nice. But still.. Hugh will upset him again. Hugh said to mum yesterday that hus dad still nags at him about stupid things. But there is a diffference.
HUGH ISN'T OUR DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
he is NOTHING. And that is something I've never said during an argument, because to me.. that's a horrible. But next time.. I'm saying it. I don't care anymore. After everythingnbad he's ever made me feel. I give up with him. I'm not gunna try and be nice. Ever.
I think I might set it up so he hits me. Really clobbers me.
Then maybe she'd finally get rid of him..

I actually feel a bit better than I did last night.
He isn't here today.

woooooooooooooooo!
sitting here. big easter egg (galaxy XD)listening to The Feeling. woooo, coulnd't get much better.
AND I'M ALLOWED MILKSHAKES AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!
and Hugh's gone. and i kinda got to talk to my mum a bit last night, i felt calmer cause i just wrote a load of stuff which i didn't wantanyone else to see into a big w mail.. which i then deleted. i get wierder and wierder, but it actually really helped, it's so much easier to write things down than to say stuff.

I'm trying to make me and Rose's bebo band thing better. i't an I love peter pan one. jeremy sumpter *drools* annoying thing is, Felix took the mick and we have to groupies so har, oh well.. I'm trying to upload clips from YouTube. But it won't work. it won't let me get java, flash or anything. and it also won't let me get msn or fader (wierd writing) oh yeah.. and the speakers don't work. the computer thing is going SO well.. not. Ahh well, i'm calm, ooommmmmm, i have chocolate. wooo. big galaxy promises egg. Y'know, this is the best thing about the fact that no one in my family has the capability to stay married. there being like another "family" we then get loads of stuff on easter and christmas etc. see? I'm looking on the bright side. And anyway, i don't eally care that everyone is divorced, cause if they were together, they'd just be making themselves miserble. So what would be the point?
but who cares?! CHOCOLATEEEEEE

if you agree with me, click on that and be a groupie pleaaaaaassssssseeeeeee, we have to proove felix wrong XD

oh.. she was with hugh.

oh well.

Him and John just argued again. I could hear things getting bad so i went down to see what was going on. I think John farted or something and Hugh made a big deal out of it. John got really really mad tho, i didn't know he could yell that much.
I just.. I mentioned to Hugh that he knew perfectly well what was gunna happen when he did what he did, and then i asked why he did it. But mum stood up for Hugh. This has made me mad. Why does she let him get away with it? After all the horrible stupid things that he says and does. When this kinda thing happens all i think about is things that he's said. And the way he's mean about my dad sometimes. I know I'm mean about my dad, but i'm his daughter, so that's ok. One time when i was talking about getting a nose stud (which i still haven;t got around to grr). I said, "i wonder if dad would mind" cause like, i geuinly didnt know, and then Hugh goes "Don't be stupid, he wouldn't notice if rose went round their house instead of you" so.. yeah, that's always been in my mind. And then when mum was in hospital he said me being how i was put her there. There's loads of other stuff, i guess those are just the main 2 that have always stuck in my mind.

Being mad has kinda passed, now I just hurt. Not physically anymore, well, mostly not anyway. Just that horrible feeling. And mum is all stressed. And even tho a lot of me is mad at her for not telling hugh to get lost, most of me wants to go and make sure she's ok.

hmm..

ok, i think i'm gunna

omg, Shona's online. I thought she'd gone. God god godddd. I just said in the chat "oh someone's onine i thought we'd got rid of" hahahaha, VT said that was a horrible thing to say, even after i explained.
ahh well..

Today has been alright. Feel tons better than I did. I had a really crappy hour or 2 this morning. Then we went out cause JOhn needed to and stuff. It was pretty fun in the end. And I guess it wasn't just because John wanted to, mum thinks i need to spend less time online and more outside. If I could go to Totnes I would. But Rose is away anyway.
I need to start having a look at the revision stuff for my SATs soon but somehow I can't be bothered. I'll probably just get distracted and not do anything anyway. That's what happened in the actual mock.

John is a bit better today. he has gone wierd a couple of times but I'm not as worried as I was. This IT coursework still isn't sorted tho which is annoying cause it makes mum all stressed. He is supposed to be able to get onto it from our house but i won't work. That's why he went in for the extra day but they didn't get it finished. So now I don't really know what's gunna happen. What happens when you can't do coursework? well, apart from your mum getting stressed...

I keep getting stupid pains in my side. It's really getting on my nerves now cause it makes it like you have to sit down. I think it must just be cause I'm all stupid at the moment. watching Docter Who won't help lol. I like that whole imginary thing. it would be so much better if it was real tho. Well.. some of it anyway. Mum's taping it cause everyone is gunna watch it later so I might ask her to keep the tape so I can watch it on my own. It sounds dum, but I prefer it. Then if it's sad or something I can cry or whatever without someone taking the mick out of me.

John is still wierd. I'm getting really worried now. Mum says if it does happen then we don't have to freak cause we can just call an ambulance.. doesn't make it any less scary tho. The things the hurse said.. god, i can't even type them. I guess considering what it's neaely a year since i would be more paranoid, but.. still

People keep telling that I'll grow out of the way that I am. I don't really get that. As I've got older everything has just got wayyyyyy worse. The blushing has, tho that was because people started making more a a thing about it. And the not being able to talk to people.. well.. that was always an issue, but as I've met more people that's got worse not better. And the worrying.. I dunno. That's different, I don't get sick with it regularly now.. but, it does still happen.

Awww, Mike had a really good deay with Chris. I like.. I dunno, I'm happy cause Chris makes him happy, but Chris has a really really bad side. Well, from the e mails that I saw when things went wrong last time. And apprently it got worse.. Eek.

It's so much nicer being in chat without Zoey there.

John’s being all weird today. It started about half an hour ago while we were in Sainsbury’s. He was all hyper and I was trying to calm him down a bit, until he went weird it wasn’t working. I’m worried tho, cause we have to go to dad’s soon and I think we’re going to some crap national trust thing. I don’t want to go for a start, but besides that I’ll be worrying about John the whole time. Dad doesn’t get that you have to make sure John doesn’t eat too much. Dad doesn’t understand that you have to keep an eye on John. The only person that does understand is mum, and she won’t even be there. I know it sounds as tho I’m being selfish, I just don’t really know what to do =/

Tho at the same time as being worried he was there so I at least had something good to look at (without falling over XD)

Hmm.. I thought that writing something would help me.. but.. it isn’t really now, so I think I’m gunna go

XxXx

I guess.. today has been alright. John had to school (hahahahahahaha) cause he had ro sort out things with his IT courswork which it turned out aren't completly sorted out but there hasn't been any crying or yelling yet so I'm assuming nothing is that bad.

Had a pretty good morning with my mum. We had to get some stuff so we went to Sainsbury's and had a coffee. And themn we went into town. I know it sounds lame it being with my mum and everything.. it's just.. sometimes, i need a little bit of time with just her. I know it sounds pathetic, bit I guess I wanted her to just think about me, which.. didn't happen. I was getting a book with some Smiths stuff left over from Christmas and I thought she was gunna help me choose. And I couldn't find her for ages cause, and then when I did she was looking for things that John needed. Me being pathetic, it annoyed me, but it doesn't really matter, I didn't say anything. Then the rest of the morning was pretty kewl. I was on my own again for a while tho, because mum was talking for ages to a person that we know.. about John

I'm such a bitch. Tbh this isn't a new thing, i feel like it a lot, i just never said anything before.. in some ways.. saying something is worse, cause it makes me seem even more horrible. I mean.. hating yourself for thinking something inside your own head is ok, but like.. argh, now I've said something it's worse. Nit exactly said something, but.. typed it.

I've got Invincible on repeat. As Mike said yesterday: "why does this song have to be so amazing?"
I think I might turn it off tho, I feel kinda crappy, and having this on when I feel bad might wreck the song, so yeah.. when it finishes, I'm gunna sitch it off..

it won't go. It's still there. Must be about.. 3 weeks now. It's gotta be. And it's like.. i'm all happy and hyper and everhthing, but at the same time it's there.. going on at me. I dunno why really. But it's making me feel sick. It's kinda making me do crappy at school. had a mock SAT today, and I was sat thinking about stuff, with this feeling, i didn't get anything done. didn't finish the paper. must have been sat there about 10 minutes. just feeling crap. It eally makes it so i feel i can't do anything. I'm just there.
I know what'll make me feel better. But I'm trying really really hard.
i think thw worst thing is that i've made rose feel bad. She was really quiet this morning. about this whole robyn thing. I didn't think it would really bother her. but everything that i do the first thing robyn does is bitch about me to rose. And i guess.. i dunno, i think i knew that really, but,.. i dunno. I didn't really understand so much, but it kindas sounded like she felt she should stand up for me. But she shouldn't. This last thing i ever want to do is cause her any problems. And like.. i made myself in this mess. everything that goes wrong is always my fault.
and.. yeah..

am in the computer room. I think I'm supposed to be doing some sort of RE or something but i can't really be bothered. We were supposed to be watching tv but no one else that i can talk to wanted to so i've ended up here. Rose hasn't showed up for last session which is kinda wierd. I spose she must have german or something, cause i haven't seen Ime either.

Today has been better than I thought it was gunna be. I was kinda expecting everyone to hate me cause of this whole Robyn thing, but everyone has acttually been pretty kewl about it. I did send that e mail. And then we did start to have a conversation, but Robyn wouldn't answer any of the questions i really wanted to know about. So then when she asked me to unblock her on AIM so we could "talk things thru" I gave up and stopped replying.
I don't see the point. Talking it thru isn't going to help. It'll basically be her making me feel bad about being honest with her. She's also sent the e mail around to a couple of people, which makes me more mad. it was a private thing and I don't see why she sent it around.

Karly keeps looking at what I'm writing and asking about it. I kinda told her not to be nosey lol. I wouldn't usually do this at school, but the IT room is practically empty tbh. And anyway, Karly has to go in a sec so I'll be on my own anyway.

I think I'm gunna find some lame games to play. I don't feel like doing any RE now.

that's why I wasn't here yesterday. I forgot to say that we were going today. it was amazing. The lady is sooooooooooo nice. To start off with she talked with mum and me and john went off and had to do some IT stuff, and then she decided on a plan and did some more stuff for john. She is gunna see if there is this befriendment scheme thingy somewhere around this area. it's basically a student who'll take John out for the day. And that'll give me and mum a bit of time which is good aswell. She is also gunna write to the school so everything seems more official. And she is writing to the docter, basically saying that "there isn't an funding" isn't a good enough answer. which is good, and we have to go back after John's exams are done.

This is gunna sound lame. but like.. heard this for the first time today and.. hmm.. it meant something. I don't care if it sounds lame i like it, and more.. so yeah, i'm putting it on here

(it didn't have a title)

lost and broken hopeles and lonely smiling on the outside but hurt beneath my skin my eyes are fading my saul is bleeding i'll try to make it seem o but my faith is wearing thin so help me heal these wound theyve been open for way to long help me fill tihs saul even tho this is not your fault that i'm open and im bleeding all opver your brand new rug and i need someone to help me sew them up i only waanted a magazine i only wanted to move screen i only wanted the life id read about and dreamed iand now my mind is an open book and now my heart is an open wound and now my life is an open saul for all to see but help me heal these wounds theyve been open for way to long help me fill this saul even tho this is not your fault that open and im bleeding all over your brand new rug and i somone to help me so you come along i push you away then kick and scream for you to stay cause i need someone to help me and i need someoen to help me tpo help me heal these wounds theyve been open for way to long help me fill this saul even tho this is not your fault that im open and im bleeding all over your brand new rug and i need someone to help me sew the i need someone to help me fill them i need someone to help me close them up

the end.

Haha, says it all in the title really. I thought my mum was slightly better today.. but i was wrong. again. I'm not sure what started her off. Probably something stupid like that fact that it's started raining. Sorry, I'm being a bitch but I can't be bothered. I don't think I'm always that much of a patient person, but I don't yell at her for doing nothing just because I feel like crap. And then later I can't garuntee I'll get ganged up on about moving. I don't want to. But then John will decide it's easier being onside so he'll start having a go, then I'll loose it. It's amazing how predictable everything gets really. And it seems as tho I'm not going to see much of HP or Mike anymore. AOL have had to cut down the hours tons, so she might not be on YT so much.. she actually might not get any shifts at all. I might see her next Sunday, but I don't know yet. And Mike.. Well, he is getting sick of everyone, and he did make a point about him spending too much time in chat. And then he hasn't been in since. I hope he doesn't dissapear. I'd decided that he wasn't a Jonny. But then I guess you never know... God I hope he isn't. Because I don't know what I'd do without him given how I feel atm. I just.. want everything to go away, I was starting to feel sorta ok, but then Mum's phase started. And her and John ALWAYS gang up on me about everything. But so far when she has got mad (i.e constantly for the last 2 days) I've walked off, because I don't want to listen to it anymore.

Went to see Mr Bean's Holiday with Mum, John, Hugh and his mum yesterday. It was funny but i didn't enjoy most of it cause of this stupid man. Basically, there was no one in the seat in front of me so i put my feet thru the gap. I think in the film this made the seat moce up and down a couple of times or something, cause suddenly the guy in front rammed the seat down really hard on my foot and went to his girlfriend "I'm getting really pissed off now!" So yeah.. I was worried that he was gunna yell at me when the film ended or something, cause that would have got my mum started and as I said, I can't be bothered with it. I don't get it tho, if I was being that annoying, why didn't the guy turn round and ask me to stop it. It's patheitc how everyone gets mad. I'm seriously sick of it. I think I'm gunna do what that man did on that thing I saw ages ago. Stop being a citezen. I'll buy a field and go and live in that. I told mum if she was moving I could stay here aswell. I think it'd be better. I don't think that living on my own would be so bad. I could do what I want and nobody would be yelling at me for nothing, because there would be no one else here. And I could express how I feel without getting worried about someone seeing me crying. Infact, it would be great. I think I'll move into the woodshed XD

Someone left a stupid comment yesterday. I dunno why it's upset me cause all they said was "get a life" But.. it got to me. I don't have any money for a bus to Totnes, and anyway, when my mum is like this she gets mad at me for wanting to go out. And then there isn't any point in doing anything here (tho I did watch half of POTC2 yesterday) But it usually gets in the way of whatever John is doing, and I don't want to deal with him being in a strop, cause I hate how it makes me feel when it's my fault.

Zoey is still being stupid in chat. Everytime that I'm there she starts bitching about me and saying stupid stuff. It was better yesterday tho, because HP stood up for me and stuff. And in the end zoey went. She is really horrble. Tbh I didn't know she could be this bad, I had been told about it but.. didn't really give me that much of an idea. And sometimes she does it so as the host can't tell that it's aimed at me. Tho that's no excuse for everyone else. They all knew.

Oh well..