Angst? Me? Never.

Feel a bit better. Everything earlier.. argh. I just don't know anymore hald the time. A lot of this, i look back at what i've written and I try an think that this isn't me. But it is, and I hate that. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to need to do these things just to to calm myself. I'm sick of being how I am. I just want.. argh, i don't know. Somthing. I guess I have to work out what it is. HP was lovely tonight. She really helped, and it was nce that I could talk to her, i really luff her to peices, and I don't know where I'd be without her. Sammie doesn't seem to be mad at me. Which is great and everything. But I have felt so bad all day because of one e mail. It sucks.
Finally told Mike about all Katie's lying. To start off with he only sauid "oh" so i thought he hates me, which was actually why I didn't tell him in the first place. But, then he asked me why i didn't tell him. And I didn't know what t say, so, in the end, I just told him that I thought that he would hate me. I know it shounds dumb. But I'm always going to be like that. I constantly think that everyone is gunna leave me. I don't really know why. Well, in some ways I do.. But, I've let it get way worse than it was.
lolol, Mike says he is on brb cuz he's looking for the moon. Well, look up, big silver thing? i pointed this out to him. He hasn't answered.
Hmm.. I want to keep typing, because if I'm doing this then my mum won't kick me off.
Argh @ John. I wish he'd stop all of this self biting stuff. I hope mum asks them about that at the discovery Centre. Because i can't watch it for much longer. I hate having to see him thrumping himself in the head and not being able to stop him. Argh, and then when you try to phisically stop him, he ends up thumping me. Sigh. Tbh, most of the time it does't actually hurt. But, it makes me want to cry all the same.
Hmm.. had better go, I've got a thumping headache. Think I'm gunna go to bed.
Night Night all xxx

I did it again. I know that I shouldn't have. But it's one thing that I can control. It's something that I do for me. No one else knows, so it's not like they are going to worry.
It's just, nothing is in my control anymore. I can't do anything without worrying. Everyone gets mad at me and makes me worry. And this is one thing about myself that I control. And it isn't as thought it's something that I've picked up from other people. No. I've always done it a bit. When I was little and I got frustrated. usually after I' got sent to my room after standing up to John or something. And I dont acre if it's selfish. I want something to clam me down. This does. There isn't anyone that I can honestly talk to about everything. Cuz they would get worried and stuff. That is, if they listened to me anyway.
So.. yeah.

Argh, I sill can't get rid of this stupid worried feeling. I was begining to get it under control then I had to go and read my e mail. Sammie's upset with me =( i think I didn't say bye last night or something. Noooo, the last thing I need is for her to be mad at me. Ahh well, I e mailed her back and stuff, so hopefully when she comes online later she'll be alright with me. I hope. This kinda thing happens to me a lot. I am focused on sorting one person out and then a few other people start to get mad at me. Like, last night, Mike was really upset cause he is having a lot of problems with his girlfriend, and so I was talking with him a lot. I wasn't not talking with everyone else, it just took a while to answer. And I had to go kinda quick, so I just said one big bye (and a cxouple of things to Mike) rather than saying it to everyone individually. Sigh. Can't do anything right anymore. Being online used to be a place I could go to escape but recently all that happens is that I end up feeling worse. LIke, people chucking my friendship nack in my face and saying I@m ignoring them all the time. It is just a bit hard, I can't always do everything. Not that any of them know because they haven't really let me tell them, but I just don't feel right atm. So I've got a shorter temper and everything. But, I can't say that, they have worse problems than me, I know. I just feel really on my own sometimes. I know I'm not really. It's just, I can't really really talk to anyone, because they all have their own lives, I know.
The last thing I needed was that e mail. I wish she knew me well enough to know I wouldn't have done it on purpose. Everyone was yelling at me to go downstairs and stuff, and JOhn comes in and starts yelling at me really loudly if I don't go quickly and I had a headache anyway. Not that any of this will matter, I'll just be making excuses.
Argh, sorry, I jusr feel even worse now.