Angst? Me? Never.

feeling crap. Everything that I felt earlier has gone. And now I just feel like evrything inside me is all in one bit knot. Robyn never tried to call. She obviosly couldn't care less. Oh well.. Actually. Not oh well. This is making me feel so crappy. I just started talking to soph again because I can't be bothered with sammie having a go at me and telling me to more of a "adult". So everythig that i thought i was thinking doesn't excist. God i need to get some backbone.
But.. on the plus side of things, i'm now typing on my computer!!!!! Mum said that she was gunna call a guy out to do it but then she decided that she could. an d2 hours later she did. it's kewl having thr internet in my room. Tho it hasn't really helped my mood. John was in a strop cuz mum was sorting this out and not taking him out for a change. But I think he might have got over it now. I don't really know, i haven't seen him much all day. Oh this isn't fairrrrr. I thought i was happy today. I might hurry up and dye my hair. Not that that will help and I don't have the guts to do it anyway. I wanna die it black and blue. I'm so bored of the way that it is. but then.. if i do dye it will i get even more hassle than I do now? Argh, i dunno.
My mum's uncle died today. That made me feel even wierder. I never met him. And i annoyed with myself. I guy who I'm related to died today and I never met him, i never even got to say hi. Tho if i had of done he wouldn't have known who i was. but... i dunno, i guess i wish that I had met him and stuff..

Had a at talk with Rose, and feel soooooooooo much better now. It's really kewl. And she is kinda mad at Robyn as well (tho not as ma as i am) I didn't know this but apprently Robyn is trying to steal one of her friends boyfriends or something. And apart form the obvious fact that this is mean and bitchy and horrible and 2 faced and various other things, it's hypocritical. Well.. When she was here there was this guy that she like, bill. And I didn't actually do anything wrong, I just ended up making friends with him because he always seemed to be around a lot. And.. Robyn hated that. She decided that every time that i talked to him i was "flirting" (i wasn't) and everytime we made eachother laugh I wa trying to push Robyn out and I was being a bitch etc etc. I never did any of that crap. I just got on well with someone. Just because i make friends with a boy doesn't mean that I like him. And so.. yeah, i'm not friends with him now because Robyn fell out with me so much ovr it i didn't end up talking to him much in the end. And.. now she is doing this. It's so ARGH. I really hate her.
And the thing is.. when I first made friends with him she would just stop talking to me, and I didn't actually know why. I asked, and she'd be like "you know what you've done" and i was thinking huh?? But whenever I said that she just got even worse and then like... went off to bitch about me or something. And then the next day she would be fine until I spoke the the wrong person again.
I just... is it bad talking to someone that your friend likes? i mean.. would you stop talking to someone because your friend liked them? Mybae you're meant to, but if you are, i didn't know that.
She always got mad at me over guys that I spoke to. And like.. whenever I talked to them she got mad at me for no reason. I just.. i don't always understand why she hated me so much. Sometimes, if Rose wasn't a school, she would be fine all day, and then she would stop talking to me the next day. And as far as i knew, i had never done anything wrong (one of the times it turned out that I hadn't been very happy, and of course saying how I felt wasn't allowed). I'm just so.. it gets me thinking about it y'know? All the stupid crap that she did just to make me miserable. And the fact that everyone still loves her now pisses me off. Ok.. there are people that hate her, but i don't think they really know about the like.. maliciousness of her.
I probably have stopped making much sense. I don't really know why, I just have. I know what I want to say. I want to write down every time that Robyn upset me. The times she made me cry (and the time i went home cuase of her)
But.... it makes me sound like such a drama queen. I was just really sad a lot while she was here because i was constantly having to try and work out what I had done wrong. And i hated that so much. It was like.. she was trying to like.. hate me for being me. And then she told a load of people that I was horrible to her in year 7 once as well. I don't know what I did. Making friends with Rose is the thing that I did that annoyed her I think. I just.. apprently I was horrible to her, but she was the one that made everyone that I made friends with run away all the time. That's actually how I made friends with Rose. Even tho she was like.. Robyn's best friend, she stopped running away when everyone else did. I think that was what annoyed Robyn, Rose chose to be friends with me and not just leave me on my own. And now.. me and Rose are still friends (best friends actually lol) and Robyn.. well, I guess.. I don't want to try anymore. I don't understand her, I don't think that I actually want to. How is trying to make someone sad fun? She is 100s of miles away and she makes me feel like this. I am so much better off without her. I actually really am. And I am going to not make up with her. Well, in my head I'm not going to. And I was going to delete her off my bebo friends list but i haven't done it yet. I don't knowwwwww. In my mind I'm never going to bother with her again.. but everyone else. I just.. I don't want to be friends with her, i know that. And I can't be friends with someone just because I don't want other people to hate me. That isn't fair on Robyn, and tbh it isn't on me either. Because being friends with Robyn means that I have to put up with her telling people things that aren't true. Worrying about what she is saying about me and stuff. And i don't think that I want to worry about all that stuff anymore. I know that I don't. I just feel bad. I always think about.. how can people stop caring and stuff.. but, i haven't stopped caring. I just don't trust her at all. And I don't think I'm ever going to. I know that this isn't really a major major thing. But i some ways to me it is. Because she has made everything all come back.
Rose is mad at Karly. I don't like Karly, so i don't mind ignorez vousing her. Basically Rose, Kalry and Chloe go to this youth night thing (they were trying to force me to go, ad i will this week now) and karly kept dragging chloe off saying they needed to "talk". And she was leaving Rose on her own on purpose.
Karly... she is, she's one of those people that you are there for a lot but they just throw everything back in your face all the time. Like.. the other day, she was going to an interview for going to South Devon College to do some of her GCSEs and she had no idea what she was doing so we were helping her and telling her how to behave what to wear etc. And then there are the other times when we have caused ourselves problems with the chavs because of sticking up for her. And yet she still thinks it's ok to be horrible to us on front of them cause she is showing off. I pointed all of this out to her in front of the chavs, and she just told me to get lost (cept not in those words exctly.. =/) And i know i probably osund like an old grandma. But.. I want real friends. I want friends that are going to stick around for me. And Rose.. that's what she is. She is a real friend and she won't go anywhere, i know that. But Karly and Robyn.. what do they do? nothing. Do i trust them? no.

So.. what's the point?

sorry about all the entries, it's just wierd at the moment, and writing down everything that I'm feeling on here is helping me to work things out a bit myself. A lot of the time I don't know what I'm going to write. I mean, i know that I'm upset about something, but most of the things that I end up writing i wasn't planning to lol.

I CAN TYPE WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE KEYBOARD!!!!
well.. most of the time anyway
i just noticed that I was looking at the screen not the keys

XD

After writing that title i now have the No Doubt song in my head. Oh well, i don't really mind, because i like the song. I finally saw all the videos that i wanted ot yesterday!!!! i was mad last night so I forgot to say. 4am Forever, I Don't LOve You (i like that song so much more now!!!!!) and Invincible. The Invincible video is so amazing, but then, so were the other 2. I don't know if anyone knows the song 4am Forever (LostProphets) but i love it a lot, and it's on my bebo now XD
Am feeling wierd today. That would have to be the first time that I have really properly stood up for myself with Robyn. Tho I don't think that she cares about the fact that I am mad at her. I guess part of me was wanting her t say sorry not "it must have been a different robyn" Still feel a bit betrayed dissapointed and everything. I'm getting dissapointed by wayyyyy to many people at the moment. I hate myself for feeling like this about people, cuz.. I would hate it for people to think that about me, but.. I just. Hmmm.. I guess I have been thinking about what a friend really is.. Isn't it supposed to be something that you can go to with anything and they feel the same back, they accept you for any mood that you are in and stuff..
I have really confused myself now. I knew what I wanted to say when I started typing but I've kinda lost it now.

It soiunds pretty oathetic but now i don't really know what I'd do without this blog. I am on like.. 3 entries per day now, and i know that is lame, but it helps. Sometimes (even tho I still don't make any sense) it's easier to write things down. It's defainatly easier than telling people and then have them have a go at you and tell you how much worse their life is and that they have to be ok so so do i. I don't want to have some lame competition about my feelings. I just want a person who is going to accept that I'm not happy. Accept that I'm not saying that I have really bad problems, but i just don't feel very happy and I haven't sorted myself out yet. I don't want someone to make me feel bad about the fact that I am sad. And then be another person that makes me feel bad about stuff.. i just.. argh

oh great.. now I'm gunna get yelled at, John needs to do his homework so i asked him to let me finish.. but he is just kinda hovvered around so i asked him to leave me alone please and stormed off

I could refuse to give the computer, but I'm not.

Oh well, I'll have one that I have the internet on some time in the next couple of weeks.

Get on lock on my door and it would all be perfect..